Impediments
by poemsandroses
Summary: "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove." Trigger Warnings: Physical violence or physical abuse throughout the whole story. Please keep that in mind.
1. Chapter 1

I was sitting on the carpeted floor when my grandmother approached me. Her legs eerily shaky. It's like I knew what she was bearing in her wrinkly hands was a message from either one of them, or worse, both of them. My sweet, sweet mothers. As much sarcasm that could hold as much as it needs more to highlight how very unsweet they are.

I was angry. I am angry. My grandmother handed me the album that I have flipped through tens of times. I've seen each picture and traced every memory before I was born and even after. But now I look at every picture in a different way. I trace their faces, and suddenly, I can see how stupid they both have been. It's very obvious, I don't understand how they've never seen it. They look so much alike, they've always looked alike even when they were very young, yet they have never seen it. They have never figured it out until it was just a little bit too late to get rid of me and get rid of their mistake.

I know my grandmother blames herself the most. I know she feels that everybody blames her, because it is her mistake that her daughters ended up married, and with a child who's now eighteen. But I don't blame her, I can never blame her. I blamed myself at first, but it is not my fault. And now I blame them. They didn't tell me, they didn't listen. They know they are sisters, and yet they eloped together to continue their own lives with each other. Not caring about how much of a sin that is, not giving one single damn about how illegal it is what they are doing. If anybody ever finds out that they are related, they will both be in jail. Both of my mothers will be in jail for a crime of incest.

I can only imagine how my poor grandmother feels right now. What a disappointment. Her two daughters after years apart, trying to fix her mistake and their mistake, they decided simply to dump everything and fly away in order to live together. It's as if starting over is that easy. I pity them. I honestly and truly pity them. They're like reckless teenagers. They don't think about their impetuous actions. And here I am, forever will be dragged along in their never ending circle. I can lie to myself and say, who knows, maybe one day I'll be fine with that.

"Sally," My grandma approaches closer to my seated form. I can hear her voice breaking and I can see her hands shaking. And without even guessing, I know the envelope in her hands, like I guessed, a letter from one of my mothers, or both. Probably the latter. "It's from them. It's from Edinburgh."

"They're there?" I ask with a furrowed brow. I hadn't even expected they would go there.

"Uh...I guess. I think Tegan found a job there. I think they want to be far from everyone. Scotland has no friends, family, nor acquaintances." I nod and look at one picture. Dated June, 2005. I can't really help but chuckle at their hair. Both of them, they both had really funny haircuts. Even though I know mum will make fun of my aunt's...I mean my other mum's hair, thinking hers is better. She always commented on that picture saying _'A bird chopped Tegan's bangs in here. Or she was probably hungry and munched on them in her sleep.'_ I look more and then close the album. I can't believe I had never connected the dots. They were together all the time. I heard every lie they told and I believed it. Maybe I am as stupid as they are. After all, these are strong genetics. How fucked up is that. "Sally, it's for you." Grandma says once again, bending down.

I look at the white envelope, but I'm scared to touch it. God knows what's there. A pitiful attempt to make me forgive them? They think it's that easy to do that? "Take it, honey. See what's in there. It's kinda heavy." It was kind of heavy, and a bit large. Could there be money? What could there be? My grandma motions for me to open it with her eyes and I do just that. I admit I want to know what's inside there, but what if I'm not ready for it?

"It's papers?" I look at the many papers inside there. All neatly folded in the same OCD way my mother would arrange everything.

"A letter?" Grandma asks.

I unfold one and look at the font, knowing immediately that it is my mother's. It was the first letter of the many. I check the second and from the font as well, I know it's my aunt's...uh mother's. "Letters." I sigh.

"Maybe you should read them." My grandmother whispers. Her hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze before standing up and walking towards the kitchen. I look at her figure as she disappears from the living room and then look back again at the stack of papers. I take a breath, as I really need to, and pick the first one. The number _'1'_ scribbled on the top.

_'Dear, Sally._

_Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments...That's what Shakespeare had said, remember? You took that in ninth grade and I explained it to you. I know you are enraged. I know you don't deserve what we've done. And I can't really explain it well. I can't really tell you that love is a force that I myself cannot really control. Someday you'll find love, the way I have done with Tegan. Someday you'll know what it is like to never be able to live without someone. And even if the rules pulled you away from each other, someday you'll know that such trifles do not matter._

_You should not blame her. I know you blame her the most. Believe me it is not her fault. I played a part in all of that. Love is for two and not one. Blame us both but don't blame only her for she loves you more than anybody ever will. She's your biological mother after all. Maybe I raised you, I changed your diapers, I taught you, you lived with me and my drama, but she's the one who carried you inside of her, and she's the one who I always left you with when I was dealing with hardships in my own life._

_Tegan gave up on love for years because of my doing. She did not date, she did not allow herself the chance to be happy as I selfishly did so. She never gave you up, Sally. She was always there, she loved you and she still loves you._

_I am writing this and Tegan is sitting beside me. The apartment is so nice. It's much smaller than Tegan's place in Vancouver, but it's cozy and warm. I love it so much. I wish you'd be here to see it._

_I don't want to prolong my pleading, so I'm just going to let you know that Tegan and I have come to an agreement. We want to tell you our story, from the very beginning, till the very end. I know you hadn't had your fair chance to hear us, and even though you pushed us away when we tried to explain, we know it's still our fault. Anyway, we wrote our parts in these white sheets that are now supposed to be in front of you. I really do hope you'll spare some time to read each one of them slowly and think about everything we have documented. We went in details, because we really want you to see how our relationship started, how it developed, how it ended, and how much we really loved and still love one another. And most importantly, we want you to see how with this love we made you, and how much we both love you. We want you to hear our own narratives._

_After you read them and finish, then the decision will be up to you whether you'd want to join us for Christmas or not. Read them well, think about every occasion well, and then decide._

_Love,_

_Sara.'_

**Sara**

I know I have a stupid report that needs finishing. I also have to call Emy because I forgot to do that today. And I need to eat because I also forgot to do that. But I won't do none of that until I fucking win this game. It's me or this PlayStation tonight. I win, or this device will be in my trash can...right after I step and jump on it many times.

My eyes hurt, they sting so hard. I am there, I am gonna pass that car. I am going to finally win. I am going to destroy this. I am the champion. I am hardcore. Hell fucking yeah. Look at this bitch. I passed it. Yes. I'm going to win. Fuck, yeah I'm going to...And here comes the door slamming and here I am...I fucking lost.

I take a deep breath and look behind me. Oh, shit. I forgot freshmen bitches are coming to the dorms today. Look at that bitch. Oh God, look at her hair. Who the fuck chopped it like that? Did she have an accident with the scissors? Did a bird chop it? It looks like she either ate it in her sleep or it was a dare.

Here she enters, with two suitcases, she slams the door and looks around the room. I stand up and clear my throat. I can't help but look her up and down when she faces me. she's...one of these bitches who think they're cool. A piercing underneath her lips, hair greasy and poorly cut, wide hips, these jeans are way too large, clothes are okay, she has good features, dirty shoes...Oh hell no, not on my carpet. "Take off your shoes."

I see her smile turning into a frown. "Excuse me?" Oh wow...nice voice. Definitely didn't see that coming. I see her eyeing me up and down with a confused vision. Her brows furrowed and her hands folded against her chest. "Holy shit, you look just like my mum." She chuckles as I stand there and get insulted.

"Excuse me?" I imitate her pose and walk up to her. My dorm room is big, and that's a good thing I suppose. I've been in this room alone for the past year, but now I've been told I'll have to share it once again, and everybody knows I hate nothing but sharing with messy, straight chicks who lack hygiene and sneak their filthy boyfriends inside.

She clears her throat and smiles again. Oh God, a friendly bitch. These are the worst with their _I'm a straight ally, I like gay people, I want a gay best friend, yay. Can we make out because my boyfriend is an ass?_ Hell no, I don't have time for these bitches.

"I am Tegan." She reaches for my hand to shake it, but I unconsciously take a step back and pull a face that implies disgust. Shit, Sara. You shouldn't be this rude, remember what your mother said, be nice, try to be polite. But I can't, who knows where her hands been?

I sigh and look up at her again. I should just make things clear from the start, just to make it easy for both of us. "Listen," I begin to say, killing her smile away and making her eye me again from head to toe. "One, your shoes never on my carpet. Two, I clean this place every day but that does not mean I will do your dirty laundry or come in contact with it. Three, if you snore or breathe heavily in your sleep, just quickly find another roommate because I don't tolerate it. I sleep early and wake up early, so if you can't do that as well, also find another roommate because I only sleep in quiet and in darkness. Four, never, ever, ever move the furniture without my consent. Never, ever, ever leave your clothes on the floor. I don't want to see stray hair on my floor. I don't want to see your hair in the shower after you finish. You never, ever, ever use my hairbrush or my clothes, and especially not my towel. Five, when it comes to hygiene, you brush your teeth when you wake up or never approach me. If you ever smelled like sweat or reeked, I'm dragging you to the shower myself and pouring water all over you, so save yourself the shame and shower everyday because trust me I have done it before. If I ever found your dirty underwear in front of my eyes just casually lying there, or saw blood on the toilet seat, or a tampon on the floor, something not nice is going to happen and you will regret it. You clean after you finish and you flush the toilet, and never ever ever forget washing your hands. You can eat on your bed but never on mine, and if you wanted to sit on the floor, you put a tray under your plate because I don't wanna see crumbs. Six, no boyfriend ever ever ever enters this room. I don't care how horny you are, if I ever knew a guy entered this room, you'll be sorry, I swear to God. And lastly, I don't fucking want posters of shirtless men on my walls. You use your own side for your posters, but shirtless men will not be on my walls." I take a breath and look at her wide-eyed gaze. I smile and put my hands on each hip. "Clear?"

"One," She looks at her sneakers and with her feet, she takes them off and pushes them near the door, then steps on my pink and purple carpet. I look at her mickey mouse socks and I hold back my giggle. "Two, I am not that much of a useless person to let you clean for me or do my laundry. Three, I am not an old man, I don't snore. I sleep whenever I want and wake up whenever I want, so suck it up because I'm not going to look for another roommate. Four, dude you have some serious OCD issues and I encourage therapy. My mother is a therapist, I can give you her card since you seriously need help. Five, why do I get the sense that your past roommates were barbarians? And once again, your OCD, watch out. Six, I'm not interested in the men species, so don't worry about that. Also, are shirtless women allowed on your walls?" I see her smile becoming bigger, her teeth showing and then her gums. I honestly, with all honesty, cannot help but smile and it's like a magical gay God had thrown a stone on my head and ordered me to stretch my arm to her once again stretched out one and shake her, hopefully, clean hand.

"I am Sara." I know my cheeks must be as red as my mother's tomato sauce when I shake her hand. I am mesmerized by her confidence. But I need to make sure first, so I ask, "So you're gay?" She nods and smiles even bigger, our hands still in a firm grip. "I should have known, I mean look at that haircut and these clothes." No, Sara. Don't be rude, remember what your mother said, if you want to make friends don't be rude. I only have Emy, and she's annoying sometimes, plus she's my girlfriend. I need more friends, and this one right here looks like a fine catch, I hope she's clean and doesn't smell after some time.

"And you look awfully straight. I mean look at that hair and all that pink in the room. It's like some bitch back from Junior High burped all over this place. And look at your clothes, pretty sure my mother has that shirt, and my mother is awfully straight, she married like four guys."

I pull my hands away and frown. She smirks. But I am not angry, because that's how I know that this girl can take my bullshit and we will become good friends. I mean, I hope. "You're being stereotypical." I raise my eyebrow.

"You started it." She does the same. Damn that voice, so raspy.

"How did you know I was gay, though?" Her eyes look up to what's behind me and I turn around only to see the giant gay flag hung on my side of the room, just above my bed. I blush just a little bit and look back at her, nodding with a smile. "So now you know my rules, I hope you don't break them. Another rule is that you're not allowed to make fun of my OCD."

"Why the fuck do you act as if you own this place?" Tegan sits on the bed that by sole comprehension, she reached to the conclusion that it is hers.

"It's because I've been in this room for the past seven years, all this furniture is from my dad's money, and I'm pretty sure because of him, I'm gonna stay here for another seven years unless some miracle happens and I finally graduate."

She looks very confused. Her eyebrows knitted and her eyes squinting. I don't give an answer, only because I'm intensely distracted by her hands removing her jeans jacket, revealing a very tight purple top. What catches my attention the most is that both her nipples are extremely hard and I honestly wonder if she's wearing a bra or not.

I think she just caught me staring, shit. I swallow hard and curse my person for getting easily distracted. See, this is why I never pass, this is why I'll never graduate, I'm always distracted. "It's not nice to stare, you know."

Shit, bitch caught me staring. I know my cheeks are on fire right now, but I have to play it well. Therefore, I clear my throat and raise my eyebrows. "May I eat you?" I read what's written in white font on her top, pretending it's what I've been looking at all along. "Really?" I curl my lips and perfect my smirk, making her the one blushing in return. Yes, Sara, you're such a hardcore motherfucker, you deserve chips after dinner tonight.

It seems like Tegan wasn't even aware of what's written on her shirt. She is actually furiously blushing I just want to pinch her cute little cheeks. She looks like a little baby right now, and once again I really can't help but smile.

But then Tegan shrugs while looking down at her chest, right where the _offer_ is written. "It's my way to get inside some pants." She lifts her head and good god, her smirk is so fucking evil I wanna fucking hit the shit out of her. It's so hot. "Is it working?" She raises one eyebrow and I really hope that's not my underwear getting wet right now. Fucking flirt.

"No, thank you. I have a girlfriend and she does a really good job at that." I have to have the upper hand. She can't just have the last word. I won't let her have it. "She has a really long tongue." I give her one of my dirtiest smirks and boom, Sara Smith, you're a fucking queen. Tegan is on the verge of explosion from the amount of crimson on her face. This is going to be great. Emy should fucking see her. Maybe we'd have that threesome I always dreamed of.

I sit on the sofa in the middle of the room and look behind me as Tegan arranges her clothes on her side of the closet. That's what I really hate. I whine in my mind that I'm gonna share a closet again. I mean okay, it's big and all, but come on, my clothes might touch hers. What if she has skin dandruff? That's disgusting. And this girl is seriously messy. Who packs their suitcases like that? Her underwear are mixed with her shirts. Who does that? That's seriously weird.

Hmmm, she wears boxer briefs, boy shorts, oh look one normal granny pantie, and what is that? I sit up and crane my neck to get a better look, I see lace. This bitch has a lacy underwear.

I don't notice that a giggle escaped my lips until Tegan turns around and faces me, the black lace in her hands. She looks at her hands and then back at me again and the familiar hue covers her cheeks. "You're a creep." She mouths and puts the underwear in her drawer.

"I'm not the one asking to eat pussy through my shirt." I smile triumphantly as her eyes squint and she stays still for a moment.

"It's called flirting, you should learn how to do it since it looks like you seriously need to get laid."

I can't let her win. "Sweetie," I begin to say, "I told you I have a girlfriend, and she got me laid just this morning." I lie and subconsciously wink at her, but she doesn't blush this time, she just smiles as I try to remember when was the last time I actually got laid.

When was the last time Emy and I slept together? Oh God, it's been a fucking month. Holy shit, are we having some sort of bed death? I seriously need to get laid.

"Somehow I feel like this girlfriend of yours doesn't exist." She scoffs and I frown. Fucking cunt. Emy exists. Emy is the god of existence. She's the queen of existence. She defines existence. Emy exists and she will get me laid as soon as I win the car race on that stupid video game and then call her.

"Her name is Emy and she lives on the floor above ours." I say as I try to prove that my girlfriend exists to bitch-face Tegan.

Tegan says nothing after that and returns to her unpacking. Once again all victory shall be mine. Bow down to Sara, yes, yes, I always win.

When Tegan goes to the bathroom in order to shower, I don't resume my video game. I call Emy instead, only to fill her in on bitch-face Tegan. I make sure the water is running before I dial my girlfriend's number.

When my girlfriend picks up, I hear giggling in the background, knowing too well it must be her roommate Sarah the one laughing. "Hey babe." Emy's laughter dies down slowly as she greets me, I smile at her voice. I can't believe I miss my girlfriend and she stays in the same place as my person. I haven't seen her in two days. I do miss her and I do miss the times we were inseparable two years ago when we just started dating. I don't know what happened, we are drifting apart and I miss her.

"Hey Em," I smile and forget why I have called her in the first place. Damn, if only I know whether Tegan takes long showers or not so I can persuade Emy for some phone sex right now. I'm extremely aroused and I need some release, but I can't risk it, not with bitch-face Tegan a door away from me. I sigh and give up on the idea. "I miss you." I whisper sensually through the phone.

"You do?" I can hear Emy chuckling and she has every right to do so. Since we went back to the dorms last week, I've been occupied with my PlayStation and haven't given her the space to be near me. I'm such an ass.

"Ya. I really, really do." I pout and imitate a baby's tone, Emy always loved that. Some weird kink of hers that I haven't found out about, yet.

"I'm coming down, Sara." Emy purrs through the phone and I immediately grasp the meaning behind her tone.

"No, we can't do that." I stop her before she could end the call. I swear I can almost hear the crashing hope in the background as Emy's frustrated sigh escapes her lips. "My roommate just came today." I sigh again.

Emy and I benefited from my dorm room greatly. We slept together whenever we wanted and joined the two beds together last year. I look at the two beds separated and frown at the good memories. How the fuck good things come to an end? Now we will no longer be able to do that unless Tegan magically disappears. Or maybe I could work on that threesome fantasy if Tegan is single and Emy gives me her consent. That would be nice, I mean Tegan is hot, ya, Emy would like her. Tegan is my height, we have the same skin tone and eye colour. She has a magnificent octave. Good boobs, nice ass, from what I could see. Ya why wouldn't Emy say yes?

"Really?" Emy's tone picks up again, no more disappointed. And I guess that's what I love about her, she's understanding and always happy. "How's she like?"

"She's gay." I whisper with a chortle. I literally squeal and laugh like a gossiping teen even though I am a twenty-four year old adult stuck at university.

"Holy shit, is she hot? Details." Emy has the same reaction, and even though she's not my age, she's still a twenty-one year old adult.

"Yes, oh my god, Em. She's a bitch too. Like you know how bitchy I get, she bitches back when I do it. And I think she's smart, like she has comebacks and shit."

"That's good. Maybe we could hook her up with Sarah or Lindsey. Fresh meat, they'd like that. Freshmen always are horny for a college experience with graduates." For the first time I actually feel that what my girlfriend just said is very rude and very inconsiderate. And I feel it, I could feel it inside my chest. This aching part that I have no idea where it came from. I only felt it twice in my life. The first time when my mother told me she's pregnant and I felt that I'm no longer the only child anymore. And the second time was when I was told there is no way I could find my biological parents at all. It's a pang in my chest and I have no idea why I felt it, but something inside of me made me feel it.

"Uh, no. She could do better than them." I don't know why I even said that. Sarah and Lindsey were kind of my friends, and I didn't even know Tegan. But I just really wanted to push away what Emy said about her. I really hated how she called her fresh meat. I know what she meant by that. She meant that they'd sleep with her and forget she exists. Even though I had selfish ideas of a threesome, I still don't know why I didn't like the idea of Lindsey or Sarah having a one night stand with Tegan. Maybe because of the way Emy put it. It's weird, and I can't justify it, but I hated it.

I hear the water closing and I hear movement inside the bathroom. I look behind me at the closed door and say, "Uh, listen. I have to go. Let's go for coffee tomorrow. Okay?" I try to make it up to Emy by making coffee plans, as mundane as that is. Who knows, maybe we'd finally sleep together in some bathroom in a cafe' or something. I'll try to work on that.

"Alright, I'll call you in the morning. Bye, love." Emy whispers her last sentence.

"Bye, Em." I respond and we end the call.

As soon as I put the wireless phone on the coffee table, Tegan leaves the bathroom. I take a look at her and I can smell the sweet scent of her shampoo from miles apart. I look at her wet hair and somehow her bangs managed to get worse. Only if I know who the fuck took revenge on her hair. I look at her body and snicker at her attire. "Nice pajamas." She's clad in a big Spongebob shirt and black sweatpants, and I assume these are her night wear.

"Thanks." Tegan mumbles as she walks to the bed. I know she's hungry because of the sounds her tummy makes. I look once again at her torso, and once again I see her pointy nipples even though I am pretty sure she's wearing a black sports bra underneath that sheer T-shirt. "There's food in the fridge." I declare and she looks up, a bit taken by surprise I suppose.

"I can eat from your food?" Did I sound that much of a bitch to her?

"No, but I don't want you to die from hunger and then I'd feel guilty." I jokingly roll my eyes and she smiles.

I get up from my sofa and watch Tegan walking to the mini fridge. "Don't fucking touch my drinks or my chips, though." I warn as I walk to the bathroom.

Good God, what is this fuckery. "Tegan." I shout the loudest I can as I view the scene in front of me. I fucking told her my rules and I see this mess. Tegan walks up to the bathroom and stands near the door. "Please clean this mess before I hurl all over this place." I motion at the pile of clothes on the floor, the fucking wet floor. "There's a fucking hair in the fucking shower." I motion at Tegan's brown strand in the bathtub. "This is disgusting."

Tegan begins picking up her clothes and before she could throw them in the hamper, I stop her. "No, not in my hamper." I pause and look for some place she could throw her clothes at. "I think I have an extra one, wait." I walk out to the room and walk towards my closet. I try to remember where I have put the other one as I rummage inside and get blinded by Tegan's clothes. Bitch-face Tegan ruined my fucking closet. This is insufferable.

I finally find it and I walk back. I'm met with Tegan's nice ass as I watch her bending down to pick any stray hair she left there. "You put your clothes in here. Don't get near mine. Body fluids could mingle together and I might get diseases." I know I am exaggerating but it seems fun to be bitchy to her.

"My mum is a good therapist, have I told you that?" Tegan throws her clothes in the hamper and the hair in the trash bin.

"And I told you not to make fun of my OCD." Before she could leave the bathroom, I stop her and turn her around. I guess this is the first time I put my hand on Tegan's body, other than touching her own hand, and it feels slightly strange. "Wash your hands." I order and she sighs, walking to the sink. I'm gonna have to teach this girl a lot before we get a food poisoning or something.

Then I take my turn in the bathroom. I pee first, then I wash my hands and brush my teeth. I change into my pajamas and try to inhale the last bits I can of Tegan's shampoo scent. It smells so good. I walk out and find Tegan looking at her schedule in one hand and has an apple in the other. I hear her chewing and I jump with utter disgust. "Close your mouth while chewing." I walk to the fridge as I am ignored by no comeback and reach for my leftover pasta from last night. I heat it in the microwave and when I turn around, I find bitch-face Tegan scanning me up and down. I scowl at her and she smirks.

"Nice pajamas." She scoffs, repeating my words. I look down at my plain white pajama shirt and pajama pants and she snorts. What a pig. "You look exactly like my mum, it's so scary. She even has the same pajama." Second insult of the day. I hope Tegan knows that I fucking hit people and I'm not afraid of it.

It's my turn to ignore her and walk towards the sofa, sitting down and holding my plate in place. I start eating small bites of my pasta while curiosity rises inside of my system. I don't know anything about Tegan other than the fact she's obnoxious, a bitch much like me, cute and also really hot, her nipples are always hard, and her hair smells good. I turn around and find Tegan looking through her books. I don't even know what she majors in. "What's your major?" I ask her as the question pops inside my head.

She looks up at me with a soft smile. "Business Management. You?" She returns the question.

"For now, it's Psychology, but it will probably change soon." And Tegan laughs as if I have told the funniest joke of this day.

"You?" She points at me. "Psychology?" She laughs again. "At least you're trying to help your own self." What a motherfucker, she thinks her jokes are actually funny.

I stab my fork in my pasta and stuff it in my mouth, chewing with a closed mouth and a scowl the size of Africa on my face.

We don't say much until it's time for us to sleep. I'm on my bed and she's on hers. Many questions in my head. I know many are in hers. I want to get to know her but we're both rude to each other. I remember my mother's advice and I ask, "So are you excited for college? Next big four years, huh?"

And my questions seems to take her aback. She looks at me with a confused look, but then her features soften. "Umm, ya. Very excited. Is this your last year?"

I laugh, mostly at myself and my failure. It's Emy's last year, it's Lindsey's last year, it's Sarah's last year. However, it's not mine. "Hardly." I chuckle and as much as I try not to make it sound as if I'm really sad about it, it comes with a pessimistic sigh that she picks up on. I know by her look she wants me to elaborate. "College is not for everyone, and it's not for me at all. I've been here for the past seven years. I changed three majors, I keep on failing. I just can't do college." I admit with a smile. I don't want her to sense how much it bothers me but I know that this is the sole reason why I feel like a failure.

"Why are you still here then?"

"Because my dad says that a woman without a degree is a woman with her rights taken away from her." I roll my eyes and sigh.

"That's kinda weird. Like women your age are working and are independent and all. I'm sorry, I don't mean to belittle you, but how come you still live in a dorm? The only reason I'm here for now is because I can't afford an apartment for myself. So I'm going to work and study so I can maybe support myself a little bit until I'm able to rent an apartment with someone, I guess."

Tegan seems as someone who has their whole life figured out, and here I am still trying to prove something to my father. I love him, and he loves me, but I'm just tired. "I'm always distracted, I hardly study. It's...I'm not smart. Academically, I'm not smart. So if I got a job, that means I'll seriously never graduate. My parents first supported me to get an apartment and all but then my dad felt really disappointed in me. He said he won't support me anymore if I change my major again. That's why I've been stuck with Psychology and failing ever since. So just like you, I can't really afford an apartment unless I graduate and start working."

Tegan remains silent. I know she feels a bit bad for me and I kinda don't like that. I don't want her to pity me or feel bad for me. She barely knows me, I barely know her. "What about your girlfriend?" She asks.

"I met her in here, in the dorm. She was a friend of one of my past roommates. So ya, she's graduating this year and I guess maybe I can move in with her or something. Who knows." I know that won't happen. And by next year, Emy and I will probably be done if we still went on the same way in our relationship. She will graduate, I will fail once again, and she'll probably even go back to Montreal and start over.

"Where are you from, Sara?"

"Originally, Calgary, but my family lives in Toronto at the moment."

"I'm from Calgary." Tegan grins as she points with her thin index at herself. "What's your last name?"

"Smith." I answer. I don't think I will ever tell Tegan that I am adopted. I've been dating Emy for two years and she still doesn't know.

"Sara Smith. That's nice." She chuckles. "I'm Tegan Quin."

"That's a nice name too." I admit. "You're like eighteen, right?"

"Yup." She nods, getting underneath her duvet, the one she spread over her mattress. I have a feeling Tegan likes cartoons, ninja turtles are covering the whole fluffy material. "So what did you wanna be if you didn't go to college?" Tegan slips a yawn as she rests her head on the pillow.

I imitate her actions and rest on my own pillow. "A musician..." I remember my high school band and I remember how much I really wanted to sing for a living. "Or a housewife." And then Tegan snorts once again and this time it's not as bad as the first. Maybe she's just a monkey and not a pig.

"What an alternative." She closes her eyes, and my eyes, without much concentration, move their gaze towards her lips. Damn, rosy and moist-looking. That threesome should happen. I'm such a hypocrite. "If I didn't go to college, I'd be a basketball player." Tegan yawns again and it's contagious, I do the same and I close my eyes.

"You like that?"I reach for the lamp on my bedside table and switch it off.

Tegan hums and does the same. "As a hobby only. I wanna be a business woman, though. I'm good at that."

"You're messy, you can't be a business woman. Your closet is a mess. You don't even know how to pack well..."

"Good night, Sara. It was nice meeting you." Tegan shuts me up and I stay silent for a little bit until I reply back, telling her goodnight. Tegan said it as if she was going home and we were going to meet again. I don't say it was nice meeting her back because I will wake up to her in the morning. Oddly enough, I am not repelled by the idea at all. It was nice meeting her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tegan**

I've been always warned that dorm rooms are the dirtiest spaces a human could step into. I've been told the bathrooms are the filthiest of all the filth I could see. And I was also told it would depend on whom I'm sharing my room and my bathroom with for the next four years of college. So how to put it exactly? Let's see. Hmmm, I am glad...No, no. I am immensely glad. I am terrifically amazed. I am wonderfully pleased, I am fucking ecstatic that the person I'm sharing my space with has terrifying levels of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and not someone who smells or makes a mess of what's around her.

Now I admit, I spent the whole day yesterday asking myself: What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?

She's strange. She's different. She's...I don't know how to describe her, but she's definitely not who I thought I'd see in the room. Her rules were something beyond extreme, I admit that as well. But as a benefit, she's cute, she's gullible, she's hot, she's bossy, and she hasn't gotten laid in a long time as I can foresee. The last point is the most important one, because I, Tegan Quin, have one aim, and that is to sleep with this woman even though I know nothing about her other than her physical allurement.

The one thing that made me cringe was the amount of pink I witnessed in her room. I checked her closet while adding my clothes to my section, she did not have one skirt nor one dress, yet everything, including her hair and her voice, indicated she's such a feminine woman. I can't really judge since that's no way to measure it, but she has a sweet timbre and her hair is brown and shiny, reaching her shoulders. It looks a lot like my mother's haircut, which scared the living shit out of me at the beginning. But then I got used to her features, which were soft but also sharp and appealing.

Her desk was very neatly arranged on her side of the room. She has a very small shelf of books hung upon it. She has her computer placed there, notebooks and pens as well. The room was filled with tiny stuffed animals in each corner. She has a television and a PlayStation. A couch and a small coffee table faced them. All are fancy furniture, even the bed I can call mine. I know the other rooms must be very different as Sara said all of these are from her father, which made me cringe as well. I am a roommate to daddy's little girl.

I know it is going to be especially hard to deal with her. I am not a very arranged person. I clean and I like tidy places, but at the same time I am not what you call a freak of organization, which Sara clearly is. I throw my clothes on the floor when I'm tired, my hair falls from my comb when I brush it in the shower, sometimes my toothpaste stains the sink, I smell after a long day, and my hair becomes greasy and my breath is odious in the morning. I am normal, I am just like every human being. But Sara, she's another case of a clean freak. Which makes me wonder, does this girl really have sex or actually enjoy it?

Sex is dirty. It is the truth. You touch every part of the person you're having sex with. You taste them for god's sake. Sometimes things you don't want to touch you in sex, against your will, they do that and you're like, what the hell, I'll shower after that. So I truly feel sorry for whoever Sara's girlfriend is. I bet any sexual encounter they had was much more boring than my grandparents', who are still sexually active according to an accident of busting inside their room without any warning at midnight caused me to unwillingly discover.

Speaking of interrupting something nice and private, though I hate to admit what my grandparents were having was nice, the said lady that goes by the name Sara Sweep or whatever it was, cruelly, and without any consideration, interrupted one peaceful slumber and a heck of a dream of me thrusting inside some blonde bimbo with a dick that I had just magically grown out of nowhere, with her stupid hoover in my ear.

I huffed and buried my face in my pillow, groaning as the sounds felt closer each second. "Are you fucking serious?" I groaned as I felt the obnoxious noise very close to my ears.

"I told you I wake up early." Sara reminded me as if I had fucking forgotten. What time is it? What the fuck is wrong with her? "I also told you not to throw any of your clothes on the floor." Sara said once again and I raised my eyebrows in confusion. When did I throw my clothes on the damn floor?

"I do..." I yawned midway, turning on my back only to watch the devil with one hand on her hip and one holding the vacuum in place as it groaned near my bed. She formed one of these, obviously fake, disgusted faces when I yawned without covering my mouth.

"Ohhhhhh." I think I blushed just a little when I sat up and saw my sweatpants and T-shirt on the floor beside my bed. Sara, on the other hand, she looked exactly like my mother with that guilt-trip face after I'd do something wrong as a teenager. "I get hot when I sleep. I like to sleep with few clothes on."

I removed my blanket and looked at the small clock on the wall beside Sara's bed. It was fucking eight. Okay, this woman has issues. She truly has issues.

When I turned around to face her, I saw millions of pinkish shades biting her entire face, and I didn't realize it at first until I got off the mattress and stood up in my boyshorts and sports bra, facing a red-faced Sara who tried her best to look elsewhere but not on the material of underwear clung tightly to my crotch, highlighting what things might look like if she ever saw me naked...which I'll make sure she does.

I smirked and licked my lower lip, and when our eyes met, I winked at her, reaching for my sweatpants to put it on once again.

Sara rejected my attempt of flirtation with a raised eyebrow and pressed lips. "You have to get over yourself."

"Says the girl who thinks she can control her roommate and make her follow her rules just because daddy bought the furniture." I scoff, placing both hands on my hips, forgetting I still have to cover my torso.

"Rules about being clean and organized should have been taught to you by your parents. I don't make them. I follow them, and so will you." Daddy's girl spoke again and I couldn't help not to roll my eyes.

But something caught me while standing there, arguing with Sara and trying to win a battle of words that I wasn't sure I was capable of winning; Sara's pupils never ceased shifting to my chest. It's been happening since yesterday and I didn't really get why at first until my hand came in contact with one breast by mistake and I remembered the reason why some people usually stare if I'm not wearing a padded bra.

I always felt more comfortable with sports bras after getting my nipples pierced. I especially preferred sleeping in them because they made the whole area feel much better, and sometimes really good. Especially after I just got them pierced and wanted them to heal. So I suppose it made people wonder why my nipples are always hard. I wondered if Sara could easily guess it's a piercing or was just like most of these people, questioning whether I'm aroused or not, which I am.

"Babe, I don't follow the rules, I make them." I winked once again and cringed at the corny comeback my lips uttered without much thought, knowing too well Sara was going to mock me.

I watched Sara eyeing me up and down in looks of thumping disdain as I put on my T-shirt. "I don't like when people call me babe, sweetie pie, hun, angel, sugar, princess, woman, or gurl." Her majesty said with the same tone my mother used when she gave me a lecture about being safe in sex, thinking I was actually into men.

"Oops, too bad, I broke another rule...Babe." I winked once again and walked to the bathroom, and I swear I heard her muttering 'bitch' when I slammed the door.

With all honesty, without lying, without sugarcoating or any type of exaggeration, if one asked me whether I'd rather spend my whole life in Sara's bathroom or in my own room back in my mother's house in Calgary, I would choose Sara's bathroom without even giving it a second thought. Not because my room was dirty or disgusting or any of that, but because Sara's bathroom is the cleanest bathroom or anything I have ever seen. This bathroom is cleaner than most rooms I've entered in my entire life. It smells great, like it's been drowned in lotion and shampoo, even though I know Sara still hadn't had her shower yet. The tile is sparkling with cleanliness, the mirror is crystal clear, the amount of body lotions on the shelf below the mirror made my head spin. All kinds and all colours, I just wanted to try them all yesterday after my shower, which I kind of did, pouring this and that and smelling them as well.

I looked at all the brands of perfumes and colognes arranged there as well. I know my collection stood no chance. I thought of myself as someone who spends most of their money on silly things such as colognes and hair products, but daddy's girl managed to beat me even at that.

I looked at the cabinet on the wall right beside the mirror, and opened it to inspect what I might see in there. The three shelves were also very neatly arranged and organized in a way that if I touched anything, Sara would know immediately that someone noisy had messed with her things. A variety of medicines and pills arranged by name, hair products and combs as well, shaving cream and three different razors all I would never even discover the difference between, a very modest amount of make up which consisted of mascara, foundation, and blusher, a container of contact lenses and their solution, and finally two boxes of pads. Admittedly, the latter made me giggle quite a bit because I didn't expect a woman as old as her would still be using something so uncomfortable as pads.

Sara's everything invaded the bathroom and it made me confused as where will I put my own things because there is no other cabinet or any space left in the bathroom. So when I finished what I needed to do, brushed my teeth, and left the room, I asked Sara, who has finished her cleaning, about it.

Sara stood in her place for a moment. I was trying to figure out what should I satisfy my empty stomach with. "I'll try to free some space for you but you can get a cabinet. I bought this one from this store near the university's main entrance, like two blocks away. It has such stuff, I'll show it to you, if you want."

"You'll show it to me?" I asked.

"Uh, ya. If you want." Sara seemed confused of my reaction, but I can't be blamed because she comes off as such a stuck up one second and actually sweet the next.

"Ya, I want that. I don't wanna take any of your space. Plus, I have many hair products, so ya." I explained, finally settling on grabbing the Froot Loops cereal which I spotted arranged near three boxes of different types of cereals on the counter on the far side of the dorm room, behind the television set. That's the space which I can call _the kitchen_.

"Hair products?" Sara looked at me as well as chortled as if I have just told her one of the jokes that I usually tell people and they laugh at. I gave a confused nod and Sara rudely laughed once again. "Have you actually looked in the mirror and saw your hair?" Sara rhetorically asked, then once again, rudely continued, "It's like someone has bitten off your bangs or you had an accident with the scissors."

My chest hurt. Literally, my chest had this kind of sting when I heard myself get insulted that way. I've been insulted all my life, but the way she said these words, the way she poked fun of the one thing I was so happy about, which is my new haircut, the way she aimed at it and laughed, all of these made my heart drop just a tiny bit and made me unable to come up with any harsh or witty comeback because I was utterly speechless and enormously hurt.

I subconsciously reached for my bangs with a pout on my lips, I patted them and faced the fridge, not knowing what to say to Sara because I felt completely lost now that she had insulted my hair. I reach for the milk and Sara is just standing there, she has a different expression now, one which I can't really decipher.

After I prepared my cereal, Sara was still standing there like a dumb statue who I ignored walking to the sofa and sitting there, grabbing the remote control from the coffee table and switching the television on.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?" I chuckled as I realized that Sara was actually the one hurt because I ignored her. She is a really...simple woman. I don't like to call someone stupid, because I'm sure she's not, but perhaps a little bit naive and gullible, which makes me able to see and understand her thoughts through her facial expressions. And that made me realize that what came out of her mouth was purely unintentional and was against the will of her thoughts.

Sara is one of those who let out a bunch of words without thinking them over. Those types of people are good at heart and any type of competition or fight they want to be involved in, they usually lose with their foolishness at the wrong moment. Though Sara has some witty remarks and can appear sly and subtle, she lacks the adequate amounts of cleverness to keep up with her desires, which really can't make me that angry nor hurt.

"Anything." I finally said with a wide grin and then raised the volume as I switched to Disney Channel and spotted a new cartoon in the name of _Brandy and Mr. Whiskers_. I haven't seen it before and I always flip on Disney in the early hours of the morning to wait for _That's So Raven_. It seems to be as if it is a new animated series and I am immediately hooked the same way I am hooked whenever I see tits.

So I'm not really sure if Sara had muttered anything after my goofy answer or not, but I'm pretty sure I heard her sigh and slam the bathroom's door after a minute or so.

Sara left the bathroom after a full half an hour and _That's So Raven_ has had just begun. She walked in front of the television and blocked my view. First thing I notice is her hair in a ponytail, which charmingly accentuated her jaw, brought the honey of her eyes, and made me stare at her without realizing I was staring too much. Second thing I notice is that we have exactly the same jeans, except mine is too wide and large for me and hers is not leaving a lovely inch of her feminine curves without drawing attention to. She really has the right amount of meat in the right places, which also made me stare for as long as I can recall. Third thing I notice is that her black top was as well tight, but not as tight as most of my tops, it doesn't show her love handles, not that she has any, I assume, but gives the hints of full breasts, which made me drool inside my mouth until I was hit with Sara's voice to wake me up from entering a fantasy of bedding her while she squirmed and writhed beneath me.

"That bowl lying there," Sara points at my empty bowl on the coffee table. "I really encourage you to wash it before I return and it's still here." I nod, wanting her to get away from my screen and let me watch Raven as she gets a vision. It's a new fucking episode, that's not fair. "And I really encourage you to get dressed and walk inside the campus, discover a bit, look for your classes so you won't be lost the first day."

I shook my head at every word Sara uttered, it's like I have never left home. For god's sake, when are adults gonna let me live the remaining bits of my teenage years in peace without their constant nagging? "Be honest." I said. "Did my mum send you here to spy on me? Are you like her other child which she kept a secret from me in order to traumatize me when I'm older and away from her home? Therapists have such techniques. Admit it, Sara."

I spot a shadow of a smile ghosting its way on Sara's lips and I feel my heart flutter, just a tiny bit. "I don't know your mother, nor have I ever met her, so no, I am not a spy. Please do as I told you, until I return." While Sara was saying this, she walked to the door and put on her shoes. One other thing I notice is that she has exactly the same converse as mine, except hers is squeaky clean and mine clouded with dirt.

And then Sara left and I stayed alone in my dorm room. I did as Sara told. I washed the bowl, I changed my clothes, and I left my dorm room.

I haven't had sex in two weeks, and I am extremely horny at the moment. I really thought about what if I spotted someone I could fuck while touring my university, but I really don't know how the system works here, how girls are here. Will I find easy sluts I can fuck and then dump, or will the bitches here cause me drama if I did that? I don't want any woman crying and pleading at my door. I don't want to give false hope of a love I can't give. I don't want attachment, I don't want commitment, I just want to fulfill my needs so I can carry on with my life. Other than that, they can dump all their love and romance on someone else, I am not ready to take any of that. I came to this university for one thing, and that is to study and be my best for the company I'm gonna manage in the future. I want to be a business woman. I want my words to be heard. I want to be powerful. I want to be the boss. I want to be someone who can depend on herself and not on lovers who stay for a bit then leave me to cry about them in my bathroom's floor like my mother. I don't want to be like her. I want to be my own individual, and no love, no woman, no person can ever make me fall in a trap of silly affections my heart doesn't yield to.

I walk around my campus with thoughts of victory and strength invading my brain. I have a smile on my face and a will to start a life I can lead. The classes are all ready for me to enter them and show my abilities to achieve what I always wanted to achieve. My schedule in hand, and my motivation in my other hand, I walk to each class I am destined to be lectured at next week.

I walk to the cafeteria, I walk to the stadium, I walk to the theater, and I walk in the comforting nature outside of the buildings. I see the sorority houses, I see the rich, joyful girls walking in giggles and glee. These whom I should post the label _daddy's girls_ to and not Sara, I suppose, but then again I shouldn't label anyone, that's what dear Sonia taught me, but my mind sometimes judges too quickly, until I realize I am in the wrong. Perhaps I was a bit cruel with Sara, I came off as bitchy, but she did start it at first, so I can't be blamed, right?

I do want to be a friend to Sara because the woman simply caught my attention. Not only when it comes to the sexual matter, but personally, she really does make me feel intrigued to know her more. Not to forget, she's going to be my roommate until one of us graduates or leaves the dorm, so at least I have to try and be friendly with her. But at the same time, teasing her becomes very easy and lovable to watch, especially when she becomes irritated with my reactions or responses.

I finish my tour around the campus and I return back to the dorm. Sara hasn't returned yet, and I don't know where she has went, anyway. I don't know what I should do exactly to save myself from boredom, so I decide to spend my time playing in Sara's PlayStation.

I'm not sure if she minds that or not, but I honestly don't give one single fuck. She can yell and shout when she returns, that doesn't scare me. It's not like I have anything better to do, so I might as well win the level of car race she's stuck at.

Fifteen minutes pass and three tries and I finally win that level and move onto the next one, which I actually win from the first attempt, and soon I find myself hooked on this game and can't really move my eyes.

I switch my seating place from the couch to the floor, and I can feel the burn in my eyes at the proximity of my body to the television screen.

Even when Sara walks inside in a rush and a loud slam to the door, I don't shy away from the television and I don't remove my hands from the joystick. I hear mumbling behind an irritated breath and shuffling behind me and it makes me curious to find out what's actually happening on planet Sara, so I pause the game and turn around.

Sara is standing there with disgust as a painted map on her facial expressions and body language. Her back to the door as she tries to get whatever type of dirt she thinks she got on the door. "That's disgusting, it's disgusting, I can't believe I've done that. Fuck you, Emy." Sara continues removing the transparent dirt by lurching her body against the poor door. "I'm probably gonna get an STD and die, oh God." She keeps muttering to herself until I hear her last sentence and burst in laughter, which makes her face me with beastly red eyes full of anger.

Suddenly, I feel obliged to let go of the joystick as her eyes shift to my hands and she gasps. She walks towards my seated figure and in slow motion it will look like an angry penguin walking in the room and not an easily irritated human being. "No, no, no." I grab the joystick once again and hide it behind my back as she tries to reach for it. "Wash your hands first." I raise my eyebrows with a smirk I perfect so well on my face as I try to beat Sara at her own game. "Your rule, not mine, remember?"

I think that just made her more furious and I look at her head waiting for the steam to rise and the volcano to erupt as her face becomes stained with the colour of embarrassment and furry. "My hands are clean." She confidently and firmly says.

"Please," I roll my eyes with a chuckle. "You were just scrubbing your whole body against the door. God knows how many microbes you've stuck on it. And then you said you're gonna get an STD. I think we both know what have you done, therefore, I can't really trust you and give you the joystick without even knowing where your hands had been, but I think I have a pretty clear idea, so wash them first." I finish with a triumphant smile as Sara's scowl reaches a whole other level of anger. "Better if you take another shower, if you want my opinion. Calling yourself clean, psh." I scoff and face the television again in order to resume my game.

Before I could do anything, before I could resume, before I could take a breath, without even expecting it, without even comprehending what is happening, I find myself on the floor with Sara on top of me. Her eyes dilated and her bum on my waist. She has both of her hands wrapped around my throat and suddenly I absorb what the fuck is happening.

I admit, this actually scared me. It terrified me. I started praying, I started pleading, and begging for Sara to stop what she's doing. She wasn't putting any pressure, she wasn't squeezing, she just had her hands wrapped around my neck and I swear I thought I was locked in a dorm room with a violent criminal. I almost started crying until I remembered when I have done the exact same thing just last year with my best friend when he pushed my buttons. And then I started laughing hysterically, leaving Sara confused and startled with my reaction.

I suppose she became scared as well with her action, she looked rather tensed and on the verge of tears. But when I started laughing, Sara's face relaxed and her hands were on her sides instead of forming a circle around my neck. Oh God, I am roomed with someone much like myself, and it took me only a day to realize it. I laugh more because it is funny to me. We are different, yes, but I have reached the conclusion that both of us are psycho bitches who feed on irritating the other and if one is irritated she seeks violence which isn't a good option, but from the looks on Sara's face, I assume both of us can't control it, nor change it.

As Sara sits there, straddling my hips with a confounded glower, I can feel the pressure down there becoming too real to miss. My clit twitches and I feel my wetness increasing. Sara's not even moving or doing anything, she's just sitting there, and God, I need that pressure her bum is aiding my crotch.

Without realizing, I give a slight thrust in order to grasp the friction my core and clit ache for. This makes Sara's eyes pop open as she realizes what I'm doing. It makes both of us blush.

Sara slowly, and without saying any word, gets up and walks to the bathroom, leaving me there on the floor, staring at the ceiling and trying to make my mind give me the stimulation I need to get myself off and come without even touching myself.

I have read about it a lot. Some people can come with mind stimulation, but as much as I tried it, it never happened. I couldn't encourage my clit to be rubbed solely by giving orders from my mind. One day it almost worked, I felt it twitching and I felt the great satisfaction until the feeling was slowly evaporating and I had to rely on my fingers instead. But now, I just want anything, any type of action, any type of friction. I want to come and I can't do it because Sara may leave the bathroom at any second.

The feeling in my nipples isn't so great right now. I've got the piercings six months ago and they barely healed. My mother kept questioning why I keep wincing and flinching the next day and I didn't know what lie I could tell, so I told the truth and she kept silent. I think many things went inside her head. Why? For who? Why do you wanna hurt yourself? Why didn't you wait till you're eighteen? And these type of questions. But she didn't say anything but to be careful with them because infections happen easily and I could injure myself if I wasn't careful, which I shamefully have done, and since then it's been giving me a hard time whenever I got aroused and my nipples hardened.

The only not fun part about piercing them is that now they're too sensitive to receive any playful sexual teasing. They hurt if licked or pulled. I was told that's going to stay but the first year is the hardest. And I really did love receiving pleasure from my nipples, but I also really love having them pierced, so I sacrificed and chose the latter.

While I was being engulfed by my arousal, a scene of Sara walking out of the bathroom with her towel interrupted all my flowing thoughts. Dripping confidence pouring out of her wet locks, dampening the floor and my inflamed libido. I stared at her while still on the floor, lying on my side and squeezing the beating between my thighs.

We exchange a glance, and like a beggar, I let out a soft whimper as her majesty feeds me with proud looks while rummaging through her drawers. She takes out light pink boyshorts and a black bra. Then she walks to the closet, trying to hide her underwear to the other side that I can't see, even though I saw the padded bra and the girly pink ribbon on the front of her underwear. She fishes for another top and khaki pants this time. Then Sara returns to the bathroom and I groan the pain out of my system. How can I be so attracted to a bitch I just met yesterday?

I can't even get up. If I did, I'm gonna feel the pool that's going to explode in my underwear. It will be so hard just to get up and remove the movie scene of wet Sara out of my vision. Her skin looked so soft, like a liquid lotion I want to drown in. I really wanted to lie underneath her thin legs as she stood there searching for her clothes. I want to see and discover what is there, the way her cunt looks, the way her folds are shaped, the way her clit would twitch when I breathe on it. God, I want to do that, and her leaving the bathroom with a dark green top that not only gave me a full idea of her breast size, but also provided the shy hints of a cleavage I couldn't stop staring at, was not a helping factor at all.

Sara clears her throat while I just sway my legs back and forth, still on the floor. "I'm sorry." I know it's hurting her to apologize, so I smile wickedly at her. "I didn't mean to lose my temper." She explains. I start laughing once again and curl on the carpeted floor. She furrows her brows and asks, "Why the fuck are you laughing? I almost choked you to death and would've probably buried you underneath this fucking ground and nobody would have known." She wraps her arms against her chest, which makes the fabric slide just a tad down to give me more of the squishy flesh of her breasts squeezed together in the cups of her bra.

I am not sure whether she's doing that on purpose or not, but what I'm sure of is that I stared long enough until her heat climbed to her face and crawled down to cover the chest my eyes were glued on. "Maybe I'm into kinky shit like that, didn't you ever ask yourself that?" I say, interrupting our intense eye contact and then hear her gasp as I shift my vision once again to the lovely scene of her tits.

"That's so..." She cuts herself off by giggling, and all of a sudden it's like I'm looking at another Sara. She keeps on giggling and I raise my eyebrows. "I feel like you speak of shit way more older than your age or mentality." She sits on the sofa and I remain on the floor.

"What happens down here," I motion to my crotch and watch as Sara's pupils move to where my hand is. "Has nothing to do with my age nor with my mentality." I raise one eyebrow again and plaster a smirk.

Sara nods then hums. "So you watch cartoons, mumble shit about wanting to be a power ranger at night, and yet you think you're that charming in sex. Dear, you're just eighteen, who did you even sleep with? When did you even start having sex?"

I've been previously told about my habit of sleep talking by my friends, so when she says that, I am not embarrassed nor bothered at all.

It's true, I am actually young to call myself experienced in sex, but I am experienced in sex. I've slept with many women, with older ones, with younger ones, with ones my age. And I am pretty sure whatever skills Sara thinks she has, mine can top hers, which only makes me wonder of the skills Sara might have in sex.

"Sounds to me like you're challenging my sexual abilities. Wanna give it a round so you can witness the magical madness I will cause to your pussy?" I eagerly push my luck with crude words and a dirty smirk, making Sara not only gasp and blush, but also avert her gaze and shift on the couch. I got her and I got her good.

Then Sara looks at me once again, gaining her composure and putting on her bitch-in-charge mask. "Get over yourself." She says so slowly and with an interval between each word that I swallow all the saliva dancing on my tongue as I imagine that voice whispering dirty nonsense in my ears in moments of intimacy.

None of us say anything for a long while. I really think it's ten to fifteen minutes that we stayed there in our respective places, either glancing at each other or at what's around us.

Then Sara huffs and looks at the clock. I know she wants to talk, like normally talk without the irritating back and forth bitching we keep throwing at each other. I do that too, but I can't seem to bring myself to say anything. "So umm..." Sara murders the silence between us. "I need to grab some groceries. Do you want to join me? You know, to get your own food and maybe we could pass by the store that sells these home stuff, you know to get you a cabinet?"

Subconsciously, I feel my eyes widen at her suggestion and a smile grows on both of our faces as I nod and get up. I'm not sure what we are exactly. Friends? Enemies? Flirting buddies? We act like siblings with our back and forth fights and then we make up all of a sudden and we're good again. I like that, I really do, but I am confused about Sara. Who is she? What does she do in her life? I am curious about a woman my vagina likes and it's quite strange, because what my vagina likes, my mind doesn't give a shit about.

Sara and I leave the dorm and walk out of university without any of us saying any word. We walk in the heat of the summer, and I smell the scent of the green on the trees, knowing not much longer, winter is going to munch on that scent and leave the green brown and barren.

Sara begins to show me places of where I could eat at or study at, just outside the university. She shows me a diner and then a cafe. Which I stop outside of as Sara continues walking, thinking I'm tagging along.

I read the advertisement on the glass window, they want extra employees and I honestly can't think of anything better than a cafe to work at. I'm not a coffee lover, that's true, but I view the tasty collection of their cakes and cupcakes and my mouth instantly waters. If I happen to nail a job here, I'm probably going to be offered free cupcakes, and there's nothing Tegan loves more than free food.

"You want to work here?" I turn around and watch Sara standing beside me, her hands in her pocket and her eyes squinting to read the ad. I nod my head and bite my lips. "That's a good place. You should work here and get me free coffee." Sara adds and I chuckle at the fact we both want me to work here in order to get a free something that we will throw down our throats.

"And free cupcake to myself. What do I do?" I ask.

"I know someone who used to work here. All he did is go inside and talk to one of the employees, I think he got interviewed right away and was called two days after." Sara shrugs.

"Alright, I'll go in there, later, maybe." I am a bit surprised by the support Sara is giving. She's simply speaking to me and trying to help me as if she knows me. Maybe I misjudged her, maybe she's really nice and I pushed her buttons way too much.

"I don't think you should wait." Sara says. "Because they might get people and then remove the ad. It happens." I'm not sure what Sara's exactly saying. "How about we go get the things we want, get them back to the dorm and then come here? We could have something to eat. Did you eat anything?" And this astonishes me even more, because Sara is asking me to join her for a meal, in a cafe.

"Are you asking me out, Sara Smith?" I wiggle my eyebrows at her, even though I know I should stop teasing her already, but I really can't help it. It's fun to do that.

Sara rolls her eyes and starts walking, not giving me the benefit to enjoy my teasing. I see she's learning from me, to just ignore and keep the other on fire. And this girl said she's not smart, now I doubt it.

Sara and I did what we were originally out to do and the more I watched Sara walking, the more my curiosity fattened and ordered me to smother her in questions. But I decided to wait until we're back in the cafe and we're seated in front of each other so I could begin a conversation with Sara. I will try my best not to turn it into another one of our _who's gonna win in the battle of words_ this time.

I look at the stores that we pass one by one, and nothing catches my attention more than the sex store that Sara passed as quickly as she could. I've never bought a toy before because I'm under eighteen. But soon enough I can finally stash some for my own entertainment and pleasure, and some to use on the women I'm going to fuck.

Then we enter the store Sara told me about and I pick my cabinet out of the many choices I see. Sara buys scissors, and I add a mug with _Winnie The Pooh_ painted on it. I don't let Sara pay, and sneak her scissors in with my other stuff and pay before she notices.

When she does notice, we go into another argument that is not even worth documenting. And it makes me feel strange because then Sara insisted she'd pay for my sandwich at the shop. It's like I'm dating this woman and I don't even know her. It's like we're going on a date and dates remind me of my middle school awkward self with boys who didn't know how to treat a girl.

I push the thoughts that linger there inside my head and decide to enjoy this day and this new friend I just made.

We walk back to the cafe' and I swear if I walked everyday that much, I'm gonna burn every extra kilo calorie I have on my thighs or my belly, which is not a bad thing, except I hate walking.

Sara does the talking for me as if she's my older sister or a guardian or something. One of the employees smiles at me and shows me where to go and get interviewed. I didn't think it was as simple as Sara has told me, but Vancouver been a good bitch to me so far. I don't wanna jinx it, but I think I'm gonna like it here, and I'm gonna like being a roommate to Sara.

"So you go, and I'll order us something to eat. What do you want?" Sara asks me and I tell her what I want, trying not to order anything that's too pricey, since I don't even know her yet.

When I return, I find Sara seated on a table for two. Two tuna sandwiches on it, coffee for her and water for me. She hasn't started eating yet, and this also makes me feel strange, because I don't even know why she waited for me to dive in.

I go up to her and smile as I sit and reach for the water bottle. She smiles back at me and asks, "That was quick, how did it go?"

I swallow the gulp of water and nod. "I think they're desperate to have new employees. I think it went well, the dude said they'll inform me soon enough." I go for my sandwich, without even waiting for Sara to reach for hers. "God, I'm hungry."

She eyes me at first and I can see her nose twitch in the disgust her face is trying to show as I take a bite and the lettuce from the sandwich all falls down from my mouth. But then Sara averts her gaze and looks at my eyes instead of my mouth. "It's because most of the students aren't back yet from vacation, and without students in need for jobs, nobody works in these places."

Sara reaches for her own sandwich and takes a very small bite and I almost get doubts that Sara is actually a small bird and not a human being. "How come you're here so early then?"

Sara doesn't answer until she swallows what's in her mouth. "I was informed I'll be a roommate to a freshman, and freshmen get here before us to get to know the place, so I came here earlier in order to let you know on all the rules and such."

"What about your girlfriend, is she here?" I begin to ask the questions that my mind is curious about.

"Mhm." Sara takes a sip of her coffee and she continues, "Some students are already here, mostly seniors who need to work on their graduation projects."

"How come you don't see her?" I ask, and Sara looks at me for what seems like a long while, so I'm obliged to continue. "My friends who are dating, they stick like a glue to their partners, some even neglect their friends. And here you are out with me as if you don't have a woman who lives in the same dorm as us."

Sara laughs and nods her head. "I think when you're dating someone for two years, you eventually become bored of being with them twenty-four seven and you two would just want to do things alone." Sara traces the napkin on the table and continues, "I mean I saw her this morning, I need to breathe, you know."

"Well, I think that's just the end of a relationship both parties are trying too hard to hold on to." I give Sara a look that I kind of regret because I promised I wouldn't bother Sara, but here I am pushing my nose in her business without even knowing her.

But Sara doesn't seem the least bothered, she simply shrugs and smiles. Which makes my mind furious with more questions. Maybe Sara is available and with more effort I could get her in my bed and get inside her pants.

"So, tell me about you." Sara finally says. "You don't have a girlfriend?"

I shake my head and smile at her. "Hell no." I laugh. "I'm not into the whole dating thing." I wink at Sara and take another sip of my water after finishing my sandwich.

"How come?" Sara asks.

"Well," I don't know what to say, I honestly haven't thought much about it. What to tell people? "I don't know. I guess, I'm just not into the whole love thing. I don't want to waste my time on human beings who will leave eventually."

"What makes you think they will leave?"

"I've seen my mother moving on from one man to another, they always leave her." I explain.

"That's not a way to measure it. My parents have been married for more than thirty years. Nobody left the other even though they had lots of complications in the relationship. It's just that you haven't met the right person yet."

"And have you?" I ask with a raised brow.

"Not really." She answers. Now I am sure her relationship with her girlfriend is either done or heading to a doom.

"Not even your girlfriend?" I push more, trying to grasp more details.

"When I first started dating Emy, of course I thought she's the one and all. Whenever I date someone I think like that, but right now?" She trails off with a question and a chuckle. "She's like my friend more than my girlfriend."

"Ohhhhhh." I give her one of my wicked smiles. "No sex, huh?" I see her face turning red.

"Not that, but," She trails off once again, clearly not that comfortable in opening up to me. "It's really...dry?" I nod in understanding. "It's like we either don't do it, or we do it just because we're...you know." Sara is both, shy and not shy. She can speak about such stuff in front of you but at the same time it's obvious she's sweating from embarrassment.

"If you want my opinion, you two either break up and see other people, or you Sara Smith, can simply sleep with other people." I point at myself. "And these people will show you the magical land of sexual euphoria, you'd want more and more and more." I keep pointing at me as she laughs. "And Emy doesn't have to know."

I think I just asked my roommate to sleep with me, and I think it made her laugh. Should I feel happy she's not bitching at me or sad she's laughing at me?

"Quit it, Quin." Sara says as she begins to stand up. "I don't cheat. And I definitely won't sleep with someone as desperate as you." Ouch...well, I think I should feel sad.

"Don't flatter yourself, sis." I say with a wink. "Nobody is as desperate for a good orgasm as much as you."

"Sis is one of the names I hate being called." Sara leaves the last sentence and focuses on the first.

"Well, look who doesn't care." We walk out of the cafe' without saying more words.

I broke my promise and she helped. But that doesn't matter because whenever we tease each other we get closer to sleep with each other. And now I am positive it's going to happen fairly soon.


	3. Chapter 3

To clear out confusion, you might notice the use of words in Sara's narration differs somehow from Tegan's. Sara uses a lot of exaggerated hyperbole, and that's to highlight her personality. I don't mean to show that Sara is an airhead, but she's naive in some way. Later on their narration will alter and change, especially Sara's, as they grow up and things change for them. So if you notice it, that would be great.

Also, I'll have to make sure to post this again, even though it's in the summery. Trigger warning for physical abuse and physical violence. Please keep that in mind. It is not major, kind of like sisterly fights, but it is still physical violence nonetheless.

**Sara**

I try so hard to do college. I try to study, to memorize, to write reports, but my motivation isn't even alive. It's dead, it's murdered by my lack of interest and my constant distraction. I'm either too distracted by saving my relationship with Emy, or too bothered by the presence of Tegan around me.

It's been better since bitch-face started her job the past week. She's been supplying my caffeine thirst with different types of coffee while leaving my clit dancing on its own inside my pants. But the good thing is, when she's out, I could masturbate, which is another distraction from studying.

I don't know who my biological parents are, but sometimes I feel like if I happen to find them, I'm going to sue them for creating such a stupid kid like me. Why can't I just focus, or care? Or like understand what the fuck is happening in this book? That's it, I give up. Let me just swirl my body on this stupid chair while chewing on the edge of my pencil.

I think I stay twirling around in my chair for about seven to ten minutes, thinking about everything in general except the homework I have in front of me when I realize that bitch-face is here and is staring at me with her judgmental, irritating, but also attractive eyes.

"Earth to you." She says, moving around the steaming cup in her hand. "Irish nut creme." She says swinging the cup in front of my excited eyes and I move my hand following hers just like a puppy seeking its toy. "What's the magical word?" She raises an eyebrow, and even though I glare, she doesn't care anymore because that's just the ritual each day.

"Give me this, fucking bitch." I growl and she snorts, handing me the hot cup and it almost slips out of my grip and falls.

"So unthankful. Ass." She says, just like everyday and I flip her off while taking a sip of the goodness in that one cup. I think I've subconsciously moaned at the greatness of the taste because then she opens up her mouth and says, "Good, huh? It has vodka." She wiggles her brows and I giggle, sipping again.

"I know, dumbass" I insult her again as she walks to the closet like she does everyday. "Did you make it?" I take another sip and watch her remove her black polo, which was her uniform along with a black snapback.

Tegan lets out a faint sound that's between a groan and a whimper, which by practice, now I can manage to understand that it's a _yes_.

University has started ten days ago, and what I managed to figure out from the start is that Tegan is a very sexual being and I think that's why I've been horny since she came to this dorm. Which makes me feel guilty because as soon as I'd see Emy, I lose every interest of having sex, which also makes me feel guilty and ends us up having sex in restaurants' public bathrooms, which is such a turn off that I can't even remember the last time Emy had made me come during sex.

The thing is, with Tegan around, we can't really have sex in my room or in hers because of her roommate as well. And I can feel the distance between us now. I have to imagine something seriously sexy in order to get aroused around her, while here I am drenched in my own juices just because bitch-face is walking around in her sports bra and jeans. And can I stop ogling the outline of her perfectly shaped abs or the swelling of her breasts, or worse, how much hard her nipples are. Nope, not at all.

"Are you always turned on or are your nipples just always hard by nature?" Fuck, fuck. You stupid bitch, Sara. Why the fuck did you open your mouth? Why the fuck did you ask that? I fucking hate the person sitting inside of me, I hate her.

She's looking at me with her judgmental, beautiful eyes again and I can feel how weak I must be looking right now. She's walking towards me with her lips curling to the side. "Looking down there, huh?" She stands right in front of me and for a moment I feel as if she's going to straddle me so I push the hot cup between my legs and lean back on the chair, and open my eyes widely because her breasts are literally two inches from my face.

Before my fantasies of burying my face in her tits come to life, I'm disappointed because she steps back from my personal space and smirks wickedly like a charming actor in an action movie in the process of seduction to his blonde mistress.

"That, my darling, is a piercing." Before she finishes her sentence. Before my brain can absorb it. Before my eyes can realize it. Before everything and anything, Tegan, casually, swiftly, and without any hesitation, lowers the right side of the red fabric down and I choke on my own spit as the glorious scene of a full boob and a pierced hard and pink nipple fills my needy eyes. "Wanna touch?" I blink rapidly as I try to connect the question with my comprehension abilities, which are working even slower this time.

Yes, yes I want to touch, I want to touch it so much, I want to squeeze it, that's the most beautiful boob I have ever seen in my life, not that I have seen many, but I'm pretty sure it's the most beautiful one. "No." I answer because I don't know why. Why did I say no?

As soon as I reject the great offer that I'm pretty sure was going to change my life for the better, somehow -I don't know how but somehow- Tegan puts the beautiful boob back in its prison and smiles at me. "Your loss." She whispers in such a sexy tone that I'm sure if she did one other thing, I might as well just drown in my own juices and Tegan can't even save me. Yes, of course it is my loss.

"I have a girlfriend." I remind her again, like I do millions of times each day, and honestly, at this point I think I'm trying to remind myself not her because I easily forget I have a girlfriend when I only see her to fuck in a dirty old bathroom and not even enjoy a bit of it.

"Faithful. Always faithful." Tegan says with a nod as she sits next to me, but on the carpeted floor.

"What do you mean?" I scowl as I look down at her. She reaches for the bag she left on my desk and takes the red velvet cupcake she brought for herself. Why the fuck is she still in the bra? Can't she just wear something?

"It means you're too faithful, and I honestly don't think that's the right choice." I frown and wrinkle my eyebrows because I'm not sure what she means. "Here." Tegan takes a piece of her cupcake and gives it to me, and I take it without any hesitation.

"Thank you." I smile and chew on the small piece till my eyes go wide remembering where we're eating. "Crumbs, fucking crumbs." I say while my mouth is full and she giggles while pieces of cake leave my lips and fall on my lap.

"Idiot." She mocks, reaching for my cup of coffee and taking a hold of it. "You sure like warm stuff between your legs, huh?" I blush deeply, because honestly, I have forgotten it's there and I was benefiting from the warmth it was radiating to my clit. But then I see her about to drink from it and I let out a scream, which makes her jump and makes me take it away from her hand.

"Eww, no." I say. "That's mine, fuck off."

"Hey." She shouts. "I shared my cupcake with you. I made this shit you're drinking." I curl my lips in a devilish smile and sip from it, wiggling my eyebrows in order to tease her. "I showed you my boob." She then says and I choke on the stupid coffee, because how the fuck did I just forget she showed me her fabulous boob? See? This is what I'm talking about when I say I get distracted.

"I didn't tell you to show me your boob." I say as I watch her glare at me.

"I love doing good for the needy." She says and I control myself very well and don't show any type of emotion, I just drink. "You either show me your boob or let me share with you."

Me showing bitch-face my boob? Fuck no. I barely let Emy see me naked when we have sex. Bitch-face ain't getting a glimpse of my body. "No. I don't go showing everyone my body." I say.

"I noticed." She says and I look at her with confusion covering my features. "You're a prude."

"So what if I am?" I say, a little offended.

"I think it's really hot." She says and my tension calms just a little bit down. "That's why I'm so attracted to you. Your self control is a turn on." Tegan flirts with me everyday and tries to get into my pants each day, so it became easy hearing these words without caving in, but at the same time it's not easy to control all this sexual tension inside of my body.

"Here." I whisper as I hand her my coffee. I think a part of me just relaxed when she complimented me. And fuck, she knows how to get me. "Just, please, try not to leave your spit in it."

"Oh, I've already done that." Tegan winks and then takes a big gulp. I am too shocked to even care about the fact she has just wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "I'm kidding." She says, trying to get me to snap out of my shock. "Dude, I'm kidding, I didn't spit in it." She snorts again and I calm down once again.

Tegan gives me another piece of her cupcake and I carefully put it in my mouth and chew slowly as I stare at her taking another sip of the coffee. When she lowers her hand I notice that her arm comes in contact with her breast and she flinches just a tad. This fills me with curiosity about the barbell in her nipple. "Are they each pierced?" I ask and she looks up at me with something glowing in her eyes.

"Yup." She smiles, confidently, with teeth, gums, and charm.

"Did it...umm..." I hesitate and point at her breasts. "Hurt?" I finish the question.

"Piercing them?" She looks at her covered chest and back at me, I nod. "Well, yes it did." She casually says and takes a bite of her cupcake.

"Why'd you do it? I can't imagine myself getting a piercing or a tattoo." I admit. I feel like my body is too sensitive for that. I only have my ears pieced and my mother did them for me when I was pretty young. While Tegan, she has three piercings each ear, a tattoo on one arm, a piercing on her labret, and two on her nipples. God knows where else.

Tegan shrugs and smiles at me. "I love them." She says. "My tits, I mean." I giggle because that somehow makes me blush. "They're hot, so why not adorn them and make them even hotter? Plus it was an offer. My friend's sister works at this really cool tattoos and piercings place back in Calgary. He paid for my tattoo." She motions at the strange black drawing on her arm. "And she offered to give me the piercing for free for my eighteenth birthday."

"Hmm, cool." I say, nodding. Admittedly, the piercing is actually quite attractive and even more of a turn on for me, but I don't admit it to her because I'll probably blush too hard and forget the words and I don't want her ego to expand, because it's already too large.

She hands me my coffee, but I shake my head and push it back to her. "Why not?" She asks with brows knitted and innocence in her tone.

"I can't." I admit, moving one shoulder in a manner of a shrug but it's just a protest. "You drank from it." I whisper, guiltily.

"Are you..." I think I kind of upset her, but I really just can't drink after other people. "Sara." She says gravely all of a sudden. "How do you even have sex?" Her tone is serious, but I can't help but make a funny face at the question. "I mean, I know." She corrects herself and we both chuckle. "You get disgusted pretty easily, from everything. Isn't sex like kinky? Especially that you've been doing it in public bathrooms? Like isn't that just disgusting for someone like you? I'm just curious, that's all." She take a breath after hurriedly speaking.

"Well, ummm..." I hesitate, because I honestly don't know what to say. "Emy is special." I admit, feeling the heat climbing back to my face. And even though Emy is special, and Tegan is right about me finding most things repulsive, I hide the fact that I don't engage in sex as fully as Emy does because I know that will make Tegan laugh at me.

"Ya. I've noticed it." It really annoys me how she notices everything. She's seen Emy like two times and she _noticed it_. "So like you'd have sex with Emy with all the yuck it really is and like push your face in her pussy but not drink a drink because I put my mouth on the cup?" Now that's exactly what I haven't done in sex. I haven't eaten Emy out. And I know I'm a terrible girlfriend for that, but Emy is fully satisfied with me using a strap on her, otherwise she would have complained.

"I told you Emy is special. Like I know her and she's clean..." I bite my lip before I continue because I see how offended Tegan gets with my unintentional offensive assumptions. "Emy is my first." I say loudly and randomly to give Tegan a reason to mock me and forget another offensive comment I have uttered.

"No, shit." Tegan says sarcastically. This makes me frown because whenever I say something thinking it's news, Tegan just knows it by watching me. I hate being a roommate to someone as smart as her. Maybe I'm just too predictable, maybe I'm just too easy to be read. "You're just so in love with her even though there's no love between you two. You just don't wanna let her go because of this bond you have, which is her being your first." Tegan explains my situation better than I could understand it and I look at my psychology book and wonder for a second whether she's the one majoring in that or it's me. "It's alright, Sara. I understand." She says so softly that I feel the urge to kiss her for understanding and not mocking me for once. But I don't, because I can't cheat on Emy even though everything in me is telling me to do so.

"Did that happen for you?" I ask, innocently, and calmly. "With your first?" I continue my question when the chopped-bangs owner takes too long to answer.

"My first time was a mess." She moves her hand as if she's trying to tell someone to go away from her. By that, I understand she doesn't want to to speak about it, therefore I don't insist.

"I'm sorry." I say, apologizing. She lifts her head and smiles genuinely at me. A little bit of surprise in her sparkling irises, but these happen whenever I do or say something nice, which really makes me wonder, am I that much of a bitch?

"It's fine." She waves it off again with the same hand.

"So listen," I begin to say again. I want to be nice to her because I feel kind of bad for some reason. "Today we're going out." She raises her eyebrows. "I mean Emy, Lindsey, Sarah, and I." She nods. "Ya, so why don't you come with us? We're going to a lesbian bar. It actually sucks. They're basically taking me out for my birthday. They do it every year and they think that I'll be surprised, but like wow, a day before my birthday you wanna go out? I might be stupid, but not to this point." I finish my banter and Tegan is giggling now.

"You're not stupid." Tegan says and that's the only thing that doesn't make me stab her in the middle of the night at times. Whenever I say that I am stupid, she tells me that I am not stupid. When I say it around Emy, she doesn't say anything, which makes me think that she agrees. "Your birthday is tomorrow?" She asks.

"Uh, ya." I lie. The fact is, I don't know when is my birthday. My parents have been honest with me from the start. When my grandmother found me at her door, the note accompanied me said I was two months old. So when she handed me to my parents, they decided they'll celebrate it in September the 8th, because that's their anniversary and that's how we celebrated my birthday and their anniversary together since ever.

"Cool. Mine is in three days. The tenth of September." Tegan shows her teeth as her lips widen in a smile so excited.

"Oh, wow." I say, chuckling a bit. "That's actually cool." I nod. "Then you must come." I remind her again. "Please?" I don't know why I'm begging, but I want her to come. I don't know why, but I just do. "We'll have a great time."

"Sure." She nods and gets up, taking the bag and the cup and walking to the area where the trash bin is. She throws the trash in it and then walks to the bathroom. "I'll shower, do you want to use the bathroom?" She asks before going.

"No, thanks." I say and focus back on my homework, which I know I won't focus much on as thoughts of Tegan nude inside there fills my mind as soon as I look at the boring text of my book.

I told Emy that Tegan is joining us, she didn't mind at all. She said she liked Tegan and thought her funny, which was a bonus for the threesome I have in mind, and yet a negative point because I don't want Emy to think that of Tegan. I don't want anybody to think that of her but my person. Which doesn't make much sense since I want both Emy and I to sleep with Tegan, so at least she has to be attracted to her.

Emy suggested that Tegan goes with Sarah and Lindsey in Lindsey's car, and I with her in her car. I hesitated, but she said she wanted to speak to me alone.

"So you know this is for your birthday, right?" Emy asked as she drove down a road full of restaurants and bars. It was too bright, and too lively. It was still the end of the summer. The weather's just a bit chilly, but still good for people to wander around in the streets rather than stay at home and protect their bodies with the warmth of their roofs.

"Of course." I mutter, looking out at two girls chatting together. That's what it seemed to me at first, but then I notice the taller one is actually yelling, and the shorter one is trying to explain something to her. I wonder if they're a couple, maybe sisters, or just friends.

Emy and I did argue, we did fight, but not often, we always had a mutual understanding. When one is just angry, the other would leave her alone. My sister and I only have some silly fights, just like any other siblings. But she's only ten and we're good together. And even though I barely see her, we still have that bond that I cherish. My mother and I never argue. Maybe because I've always been the good child, the perfect child she always wanted and only had by some _miracle_ as she says. Even though I did upset both my parents with my grades throughout my academic years, we still didn't really fight about it. They knew I tried my best, they knew my abilities, they just wanted me to be the best I could be and I appreciate that. And my parents, I honestly, with all honesty, never heard them yelling at each other or arguing. Of course it happened, but it only happened when Joy and I weren't looking or weren't around. That's how it worked for our family. And that's how it worked with me. So seeing strangers yelling at each other in a well-lit street is really strange to me, and whenever I witness or hear about fights between couples I can't really describe how I feel because I've never been there. I had a few break ups, they were all very calm even the one that broke my heart the most. But the shouting and screaming part, this I never had, and sometimes I wonder how it feels to let out all this anger out on someone. Perhaps that's why I take it out in forms of violence sometimes, which really nobody had witnessed but Tegan and the first girl I ever liked, who was also my best friend.

"Ya. I really can't celebrate it with you tomorrow. I'm really sorry." I snap back into reality and look at my girlfriend with a pout on her full lips. "Rachel is not doing any of her parts with the project. Sarah and I are doing all the work, it sucks. Tomorrow we have to visit this museum for the final thesis. Bad timing, I know..."

"It's okay, Emy." I interrupt. "I don't really care that much." I shrug. "I'm only getting older. What to celebrate about that?"

"You're turning twenty-four. That's not old."

"It is for someone stuck at university." Around Emy, sometimes I can express the stuff that make me feel upset about my person, and one of them is my academic failure.

Emy doesn't say anything, she doesn't comment at all, and the conversation dies down until we reach the stupid lesbian bar, which, I'm pretty sure, is the most trash place in this city.

Lindsey, Sarah, and Tegan were all already there and seated respectively. Drinks in front of each as the two friends whom I really don't like are engaged in a conversation, and my roommate is just looking at all the women around her. When Tegan spots Emy and I, she smiles at me, or her, or both of us, so I smile back and take my chance to sit next to her in the booth before my girlfriend does.

"Hey." Tegan whispers as if we're in a library and not in a crowded and a loud place.

"Hi, Tegan." My girlfriend says before the signal reaches my mind that I should probably respond, so I just smile instead as the full attention is given to my girlfriend and I by the other two women.

"What took you guys so long?" Sarah asks.

Emy has a purse with her, she kept looking in her purse and I look inside as well, trying to figure out what she's searching for. "Ya, we left after you..." She trails off, still looking inside her purse.

"Tegan looks a lot like you, Sara. Are you guys related?" Both, Tegan and I, both of us have the same reaction of pushing our heads a bit to the back and widening our eyes at Lindsey.

"Oh, God. I can see it." Sarah giggles, putting her hand on her mouth. "Are you really related and you're not telling us?"

"No. Stop." I say. "I don't even know her."

"She looks like my mum." Bitch-face blurts out and I really, truly, and honestly want to slap the shit out of her at this moment. "What?" She looks at me with dilated eyes. "My mum's hot, men are like worms after her, till now." Tegan rolls her eyes and both of the other women laugh.

"I forgot something." Emy declares all of a sudden and suddenly I remember that I have a girlfriend whom I cornered to the back of my mind and gave her my back in order to focus on my roommate. "Umm, Sarah will you come with me to the bathroom?" I sigh, knowing exactly what my girlfriend has forgotten.

"Emy, it's fine." I whisper to her as her face becomes heated with embarrassment and guilt.

"Babe, it's not." She shakes her head, turning her head with a frustrated sigh.

"I don't like when you call me babe." I whisper again.

"I need to use the bathroom." She utters exasperatedly and stands up quickly, not giving me a chance to say anything. Sarah follows her immediately and I know better not to follow because Sarah's her best friend, she's been her roommate for the past three years and I know she and Sarah are much closer than we are.

Tegan just sits in her place and sips from her liquor, she doesn't say anything at all. I respect that, I admire that about her, when she sees drama, she distances herself away.

"So, Tegan you're eighteen right?" Lindsey asks with her fake flirty smile that makes me boil inside.

"Turning eighteen in three days."

"You told me you're eighteen?" I jump in with a tone a bit too loud which makes a few heads turn.

"You told me you're twenty four." She shrugs with her stupid smug smile and her stupid wicked smirk.

"Fake ID?" Lindsey asks again, scooting closer to _my_ bubble and to Tegan, who's sitting too close and inside Sara's own bubble. Tegan nods and makes that hot _yes_ sound that really arouses me each time. "Nice bangs." I slam my drink a bit too hard on the table and paint on a smile as the two women look at me. I see what Lindsey's doing, she's inching her way inside my bubble and inside Tegan's pants.

"Thank you." Bitch-face answers her with the highest and the most fake octave I have ever heard. "Sara hates them." She looks at me again, wiggling her eyebrows, and I kick her leg underneath the table. She mutters the usual bitch she always does mutter and I smile at her with the exact amount of fake enthusiasm that everyone on this table has.

"Umm, excuse me." Lindsey stands up. You're excused, you can go to wherever you want, don't come back, that will be better. "I'll go say hi to someone." Tegan smiles politely at her and I pray to God she doesn't come back, like ever again.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Tegan does the same to my leg and I return it again with more force, making her wince.

"Lindsey's bad news. Stay away from her." I warn, playing the innocent caring role that I pretend to be. Tegan squints her eyes and I go on elaborating, "She'll sleep with you for the fun of it and leaves you in the morning."

"I think you already know this is exactly what I do and what I want?" Tegan's confusion is apparent in her tone and I'm suddenly hit with the reality that this is how Tegan is and this is what she wants. I turn my head away and stop talking, because I don't know what to say anymore when I lost the argument. "What's up with your girlfriend?" Tegan asks, gaining my attention back.

"She forgot my gift." It doesn't really matter to me so I don't give it much attention. "She's probably crying in the bathroom that my birthday sucks, but I don't even care." I sigh and she nods.

"Looks like she cares." Tegan whispers, almost as if she's not sure if she should say these words.

"She does. I care about her too." I admit the true fact about Emy and I. We both care about each other even when upset or bored with each other. And I'm pretty sure this will stay till the end of time because before we dated, she was my friend, and she cares so I care. Tegan hums and the conversation dies again.

Emy took too long, Sarah did too. Lindsey is speaking to the other girls she hangs out with. I like to call them the plague of the lesbian community, these three monsters that Emy and I cannot stand at all.

As soon as the thought of my girlfriend comes to mind, she joins me. I look at her weak smile and puffy eyes. I lean in and peck her lips. "You're so cute when you're so caring." I whisper in her ear and she groans. "It's fine, Em." I whisper again as I feel heavy eyes scanning us and I know who's the owner of them, and this makes my heart beat faster and my selfish excitement grow larger. "Where's Sarah?" Emy cuts off my honest love and affection and I scowl. Tegan motions to Lindsey and Emy wrinkles her nose as she sees who is Sarah talking to.

"So um, this blonde with them. The one with the short hair." Tegan motions at the master of the plague and I feel myself almost hurling. "She keeps checking me out at university. Is she single?" Tegan asks and Emy and I instantly look at one another with the understanding that we both hold about how much we despise that woman in particular.

"You should probably stay away from Theresa." Emy says. "Biggest bitch on campus, I assure you."

"Not looking for a relationship, just saying." Tegan points it out again and Emy immediately understands because I've already told her about Tegan's nature of mating.

"Well," Emy shrugs, looking at me, she knows exactly why Theresa is so despised by me and she understands that. "We warned." She shrugs and looks at me again and I do the same thing, which leaves Tegan, obviously, confused and with a frown on her face.

Even though it was boring and highly uneventful, the night managed to move swiftly and smoothly as Tegan narrated a story after another about her friends or her childhood or her mother. What I grasped is that Tegan has a lot of friends, like a lot. Her guy friend, Jeremy, is her best friend, and he's the one she's always talking to on the internet. I also realized that her mother is a whore just like her. Tegan has like eleven step fathers or five, I don't know, I lost counting. But the most important thing that I discovered about Tegan and I hadn't even asked her about is that her father is the famous Stephen Quin who runs management and audit accounting companies all over Canada, and that's why Tegan's future after university is basically secured. So Tegan comes from money, even though she doesn't look like she does. She will probably have a bright future, and my dad had actually worked with hers on some deals.

"I want to make it up to you." I return to the reality I'm in again when I hear my girlfriend's voice as she's driving in a street out of lights and full of darkness. "That's what Sarah and I talked about in the bathroom." I focus on her as she focuses on the road. "We made a deal that Tegan spends the night in our room, and I spend the night in yours. She's going to convince Tegan right now, and I'm sure she's going to agree since she seems that she wants to sleep with every vagina owner around here."

I don't respond at first. I stay silent. I think about what my girlfriend has just said and I look at the road, and then at her again. "She just acts like that, but she doesn't really." I say the words I'm not sure of. Not because I want to defend Tegan, but because I have this strange tendency to make her look good to my girlfriend. "You have no idea how proper she acts around me, she doesn't act like that, it's just to get attention a bit." I lie once again and the image of Tegan's breast flashes inside my brain. I don't know why I'm doing this, and I know Tegan's behaviour is just as bad around me as it is around any other woman, or actually worse since she hasn't flashed my girlfriend yet.

"Mhmm." My girlfriend humms. "Okay, Tegan is not the topic here." I feel irritation in her tone, so I don't say anything. "You're okay with what I said first, right? Us in your room?" What kind of couple arranges having sex like that? It's always scheduled and it's always as if we're in a rush to get it out of our systems, and it's never out. My aging parents still have a much better sex life than Emy and I do, sadly, I know.

"Ya. It's fine with me." I say as if we have just arranged a meeting at a place and not a time and place to fuck without coming.

Now here we are in my room. We move around with only a dim light coming from the small lamp on my bedside table. She and I have never done any sexual act in bright lights, nor have seen each other naked underneath them. It's something I'm not quite comfortable with. It's just much more comfortable for me to focus on the feeling rather than see any parts of a different person's body. What I might see I might be repulsed with, and that's just not what I want. So yes, when Tegan showed me her boob this morning, it was the first time I see a boob with the light of the day, other than watching it in pornography for sure. The thing about porn is that if I'm repulsed by the body parts or the act, I can just change what I'm watching, and I actually enjoy reading porn rather than watching it. I also enjoy the playboy magazines type of porn, the magazines I'm hiding under my bed. As guilty as I feel, as turned on it gets me knowing I'm hiding something from other people.

Emy says something about wanting to please me since it is my birthday, though there's still a full hour until it is officially my birthday. I'm glad she offered to lead because I have a headache and I feel sleepy and tired.

"It was much easier when we joined the beds together." She whispers as she takes one item after another from the clothing I have on. "Are you cold?" She asks when I begin to shiver under her touch.

"Your hands are cold." I say, watching her pull my jeans down my legs. "Can we get underneath the duvet?" I ask, now my pupils focused on my girlfriend's wandering fingers, toying with the elastic of my underwear.

"Sure." She mumbles, pulling the soft fabric down my thin legs and I hurry in closing them. I get inside the warm duvet and watch her getting rid of her own clothes. She does it quicker than taking my own and without any hints of bashfulness the way I still display. Emy's body is too cold on my own warm skin and it makes me flinch and shiver even more. "I'm sorry." She whispers, planting a kiss on my jaw. "It's really hard to do things when we're restricted by the stupid duvet, Sara." I groan as a response and she sighs, kissing me again just a little bit under.

I'm uncomfortable and Emy's uncomfortable. My hands are both rubbing her arms as her lips swim across my chest. I try to relax, I try to breathe, I try to do everything I could to focus on the fact we're alone now, but I just can't, and all I can think of is Tegan fucking Sarah in the same building as we are fucking right now.

I feel my girlfriend's hand messing around, I feel it pinching the small pouch of my tummy, the way she always did when we first started having sex. It used to make me giggle, now it only made me gasp. She looks up at me with a smile and I look at her wet lips, realizing we haven't even kissed, realizing that, yes, this is exactly the kind of sex two people with a spark dead do have in order to prove each other wrong. When I don't smile at all, Emy returns her lips on my skin, taking one hard nipple between her lips and I gasp once again. Then I feel her sneaky digits making their way down to my mound and it hits me that I haven't shaved in two days and the hair can be felt when touched. And when Emy notices it, she smirks and looks up at me.

"How come?" My nipple detaches itself from her lips when she speaks.

"I..." I don't know why these things make me so shy around her. I've been having sex with her for about two years and I'm still coy about everything. I don't grow my pubic hair and when she witnesses its shy growth, _it's a miracle_, according to her. "I didn't think we'd have sex." I respond.

"You know too well I don't mind hair at all, so come up with a better lie next time." She takes my other nipple in her mouth and proceeds. The truth is, and I know she can tell, I'm just not in the mood to do all these things. And yes I didn't think we're gonna have sex, and that's the truth. I shave when I know I'm engaging in sex because I want to be fully clean, though Emy is bothered by how I think about it.

I gasp for the third time when Emy's digits all of a sudden are dancing between my lips. I'm not wet, not at all, so whenever I feel her pointing at my entrance, I wince and shake. "It's been so hard getting you wet lately." I lift my head and I look at her. I feel my heart beating harder than usual because what I heard shocks me. "You know what I'm thinking?" I can barely see her features in the dark, but I still manage to see her big eyes heavy on my own. I feel her own nipples on my own, and her digits are still desperately trying to squeeze the juices out of my system, but nothing, nothing of that turns me on. "I'm scared I'm not gonna make you come once again." She whispers and my heart's beating accelerates, and I know she can feel it too, I bet Tegan and Sarah can feel it too, I bet Tegan is feeling it while eating Sarah out, I bet she's laughing at me, I bet she's mocking me.

My mouth is too dry, so when I try to speak, words don't come out until I clear my throat. "You know?"

"I'm not stupid. I know when a vagina comes and when it doesn't, you're not that good at faking it, either. I'm sorry." She says, sighing, still trying to get me wet. "Tell me what are you thinking of?" I feel her thumb press on the hood of my clit.

"Tegan and Sarah fucking upstairs." What? What did I say? Why don't I ever think before I fucking speak? Once again, I opened my mouth and said what's in my brain. Smart, Sara, you're very smart.

A loud, very loud and strong sigh comes out of my girlfriend's lips and in a matter of a second I'm shivering again because she's no more on top of me, the duvet is no more covering me, and there are no clothes to shield me. "This is just not working." She sighs again and sits on my bed, both of us uncovered and I've never been a fan of conversations while naked and exposed. "What's up, Sara? What's happening to us? Why can't we just enjoy sex anymore?" She's now looking at me.

I reach for the duvet and cover my chest, she rolls her eyes at my action, but I do it anyway. "I don't know, maybe it's just, I don't know." I don't know how to tell her that this relationship is dying, but Emy's smarter than I am, I'm pretty sure she can see it.

"By the way, it's not only you who isn't enjoying it, me too. It's happening to me too." She points at herself as she speaks.

"Maybe we need like a little bit of change? Like trying new things?" I bite my lower lip. This is definitely the best chance to discuss a threesome, maybe she'd be so thrilled and we'd drag Tegan from Sarah's room and we'll have our threesome while Sarah stays alone in the cold and darkness right where she belongs.

"Wow, really? Sara Smith? Suggesting new things? Must be that bed in bed." Emy's sarcasm doesn't make me even smile. "What are you suggesting Ms. _You go down on me and I fuck you with a strap for two straight years and for a change we'd finger each other in a dirty bathroom?_

"Emy." I whine. I'm not like that. I'm not that boring in bed. Yes, I have my reservations, but I am not boring in bed. "Like a threesome?" I say again.

Emy laughs out loud, like really really loud that she looks like a pig choking on whatever pigs eat. "For fuck's sake, Sara. You're drunk."

"I'm not. I'm suggesting a threesome. For a change. Something fun and refreshing."

"You don't even accept shower sex. You don't even let me see you naked under a goddamn light." Emy's voice has gotten higher, and I'm not used to her yelling at me, so I back away with fear. "I don't mean to yell." I guess she can see it. "But Sara, do you know how a threesome is? It's basically you, me, and whoever else, all having sex at the same time. Have you actually seen a decent threesome with lights off and three women under the blanket too scared to touch each other because what if they caught germs or their vaginas were dirty? No that doesn't happen. And you'll have to push your face in someone's pussy, and you'll have to mingle in their sweat, and do these sexual things you think nasty." Emy rants and rants and I'm just sitting there only thinking about doing whatever she's ranting about to Tegan, and it fucking annoys the shit out of me that I'm not a bit annoyed nor repulsed by the idea of pushing my face in her cunt, and I bet she doesn't even shave. "Who do you even want us to have a threesome with? Like you're so shy, do you even have anybody in mind?"

"Tegan." I blurt out the woman of my thoughts.

As much as my eyes go wide at my revelation, Emy's narrow as we hit a point where discussion is just halted and only silence takes the place. Silence and looks from Emy I'm not too happy with.

"I see." She nods and gets off the mattress. "Looks like you're developing some sort of feelings towards her." Emy starts getting dressed, shaking her head.

"No, that's not it. You know I love you." I watch her getting dressed as fast as she can.

"I'll go get you your Tegan, maybe she can make you come." What the fuck? What's up with this bitch? What did I say? What did I do?

"Are you kidding me? Emy?" No, don't cry. Don't cry. Don't...fucking too late. "That's not what I meant. Come back here." Don't close the door. Well, fuck you.

So Emy just left me, and here I am alone crying like a little child that my girlfriend left me at midnight. She didn't even leave me with a proper _happy fucking_ _birthday you motherfucker_ and a slam of a door. No she just left me like that because I shared my desire to include Tegan in our bed. I'm pretty sure Tegan can spice it up, I'm pretty sure she can make sex fun for both of us again. And I cry again as the thoughts of Tegan fucking Sarah come to my mind, now my girlfriend just went there, and I'm sure she's going to join them and they will all have the threesome I want while unhappy little me stays here in her birthday, alone and sex deprived.

Few minutes pass and I'm still alone, naked, cold, and crying. So I get up and get myself dressed in my pajamas. I pick a stuffed snake and cuddle it while weeping in my pillow. I guess I'll wake up to mascara stains all over my pillow, I'll wake up to clean in my birthday, my fucking birthday. Great, just perfectly great, the exact birthday I want. My roommate fucking my girlfriend and her roommate and I'm asleep alone holding a stupid stuffed snake.

My crying is interrupted by my stupid, noisy, asshole roommate, shouting, "Sara, Sara, Sara." Wait...Tegan is calling my name. "What's wrong? What happened? Sara? Why are you crying? Why did Emy just murder my sleep and send me here to make you come? You wanna come? You want me to make you come?"

Bitch won't shut up, so I remove the cover and squint my eyes at her. She has tired eyes, and bed hair, she's holding her bra in her hand and her jacket in the other, and her nipples are greeting me behind her black top. Her jeans unbuttoned and her lips look swollen, she was totally having sex. I can't believe people younger than me are having sex more than myself, and this makes me cry more as I sit up and hug the snake.

"What's going on? Wow, you're actually crying. Did you guys fight?" She joins me on bed and I flinch when her hand comes in contact with my arm.

"Don't touch me with your dirty hands, I know where they've been." My hand move to wipe my ridiculously falling tears.

"Ya they've been on your girlfriend's pillow." She scoffs and I cry. "Just tell me what's wrong. She seemed really pissed."

"This is not working." I say, taking a breath. "We were about to have sex, and like you know, we were like in it, in the middle of it...It's just not working. What's happening to me? Why isn't it working anymore?"

Tegan doesn't say anything, she just sits there as I sob like a baby over my relationship. She yawns and rubs her eyes, I look at her once again and she sends me a lopsided smile. "You remind me of my mother, a lot." Upon this, I cry even more and she giggles. "I don't mean it in an offensive way. Just, you guys are so much alike, personality wise, the way you talk. When I saw you crying, I was just reminded of all these times I went into her room and she's sobbing like a child over a man who left her because there's just no love anymore, and even though she knows it, she just doesn't wanna let go." My sobs die down and now they're just soft whimpers and loud sniffles.

"I remind you of your mum and you wanna fuck me? You're weird." I say what's on my mind and she sighs. What now? I glare at her.

"Really? You left everything I said and focused on that?" I see her eyes rolling like there's no tomorrow, but I also see a shadow of a smile. "Well you're not my mother, so that's not weird." She shrugs. "Look, I just, I don't know. I have this strange tendency of wanting to take care of you or make you feel better the way I used to do to her." She chuckles. "Damn, I guess I miss my mum."

"Oh." I wipe more of my tears and look at her stupid, cute, smiling face. "So like are you attracted to me? Like do you wanna date me?" Tegan huffs and looks at me as if I said something really wrong.

She shakes her head. "I don't date, you know that. Yes I'm attracted to you, yes I wanna fuck you, but I don't date, because that action you're doing, is exactly what I don't want in a relationship. The whole drama and commitment, then love just ending all of a sudden. I don't want that."

"Oh." I say again.

I think I'm starting to understand Tegan, or where she's coming from. Her parents are divorced and her mother has relationship issues, which makes sense to me. For me, I grew up in a healthy, happy family, so not being loved, or my love ending is just a disaster to me that I can't accept, while for Tegan, it's just something normal, something that happens everyday. And that won't work for us. Even if I fell for Tegan and wanted to be with her, she wouldn't want to be with me because her mind is set on not dating any drama queen, which proudly, I hold the title of. And I still love Emy, but at the same time, I don't feel attracted to her as much as I am attracted to Tegan, this whole thing is just confusing me, It's stressing me out. I wish I'd know what it is I'm feeling, and what's happening between Emy and I. I'm pretty sure combining both Tegan and Emy in one bed will help me figure everything out and solve my feelings, but how can that happen when my girlfriend is mad at me for suggesting it?

Tegan moves her hand again and puts it above my own, and before I can pull away in disgusted horror, she snorts and shakes her head. "Relax, my hands are totally clean. All I did was sleep in your girlfriend's bed, I didn't do anything with them, promise." Her cute pouty lips become even poutier, and finally, I am somehow, wet. "But look how I'm holding your hand even though I know exactly where they've been?"

"Well that's because you're a slut." I bite my lip and close my eyes as soon as I realize the offense that escaped my tongue. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." She nods at me. "You didn't sleep with Sarah? How come?" I ask what's on my mind and her head shakes in a silent laugh that ends in a snort.

"I'm so not attracted to her. Not my type. I know you think I go around and sleep with every vagina owner, but that's not how it works. I have to be attracted to the woman first, and there has to be some sort of connection or sexual tension between us, you know." She winks at me and I blush so hard. Thank god we're sitting in darkness, otherwise, she would have just laughed at my crimson cheeks.

"Oh." I whisper. "And you're attracted to me." My girly bashful giggle escapes in a very high tone, that she giggles along with. I move my fingers to erase the remnants of drying tears. She lets go of my hand and stands up. I immediately miss her touch, and miss her bacteria-filled hand.

"Sleep now. We both have early classes." She yawns again and gets inside her blanket. "Oh, and happy birthday, by the way." She shoots me a flying air kiss and I giggle like a school girl once again.

"My hands aren't dirty, by the way." I pick a random thing to say to her, because I don't want us to stop chatting. "They weren't where you think they were. Emy's hands were in my..." Another fierce blush creeps through my skin and so I change the words. "They were where you think they were." I whisper sheepishly and she snorts once again. "So if she touched you with them, I'm sorry."

"Oh, really?" She cackles, and I laugh. "She totally did." Tegan pauses. "And I totally don't mind it now that I know." She sends me a wink and I turn off the light from the lamp because I feel too embarrassed to look into her eyes. "Good night, cutie." She says and I hold back a squeal.

"Good night." I whisper, and we both sigh in content.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello. So this is the new chapter of this story. I'm back to updating in here for now, and if I see the atmosphere suitable, I'm probably going to stay since the uploading and editing method on this site is amazing. Very simple, easy, and quick. Trigger warning again for physical abuse or physical violence. Especially in this chapter. Please keep that in mind. Enjoy xo**

**Tegan**

Do you ever wake up in the morning, have an extremely monotonous start, and you think to yourself;_ man, that day is going to be boring and too long_? You do what you do and the day just doesn't pass. But all of a sudden, in that boring day, something happens that can change your whole life. Your whole damn life. And I'm not talking about winning the lottery or finding a diamond ring and selling it, finding the love of your life, or any of these trivial matters. No, no, no. I mean something that will literally change your whole life.

Here I am, standing here, mouth wide open, pupils threatening to crawl out of their holes and jump on that place where a beauty is sitting on, with the same shocked expression, except her face, and I am positive, is as crimson as that of blood.

This morning I woke up and Sara, the dearest devil, awoke as well. I showered, she cleaned, then she showered, and I prepared breakfast for both of us. We ate quickly, and each went their separate ways. We met again for lunch, where Emy surprised Sara and joined us. They made up, and I was the witness of the sex talk I wasn't supposed to hear, nor even wanting to hear. What I grasped is that Sara is pretty square in bed, and that's what's killing the spark. I know Sara's innocent, I know she blushes with every thread of flirtation, and I only know she's wet most of the time because I can read people pretty well from their body language...But this..._This_, I also knew Sara has some dark side, as _this_.

The relationship with me and my dearest, loveliest, and most precious devil is one of uncertainty, one of mystery, one of desire, of thirst, of need. I crave this woman, all of me craves her to the point I cannot touch another, because I really just want to touch her to get it out of my system. I know once I put my hands on her, she'll be past news to me like each and every woman, but there's this shy piece of humanity inside of me that's making me go like, what if? What if she becomes a source of comfort to my desires and whims? What if she becomes more? I've never fallen in love, I've only had one crush, and I was about ten, and it's scaring me to imagine that Sara might be a crush, but I hope she's nothing but a stubborn, evil bitch who is so nice but so annoying at the same time. And that really turns me on, which is why I watch her closely, and want to ravish her against these corners of the room we're sharing.

Getting back to the point, so what's the relationship that Sara and I share? Well, that remains a mystery like I have said, because I know she's floating in her lust around me, and I'm aroused to the peeks of insanity when she looks at me. I want to fuck her, she knows it, she entertains the idea of me wanting to fuck her, yet she doesn't let me. So it's some type of a weird relationship. And the reason I'm calling it a relationship is that the human in me wants to take care of her, wants to cuddle with her, and wants to kiss her, as ugly as that sounds, as flowerish as it seems in my head. I believe that Sara Smith is going to be the death of me.

So getting back to my boring day, my long, unproductive boring day, that made me leave work early with a delicious chocolate cake and an espresso for sweet Sara, intending to surprise her and give her something to relish her birthday with. Going back to _that_. But I am standing here, what was in one hand is now on the floor, because my hand is too busy covering my mouth in shock with the sight I've never really expected to ever see. The sight that changed and is still changing my life for the better.

I yelled _surprise_, but I came in the wrong timing, and the surprise was, she also _came_ in the wrong timing, she came when I came. And now she's staring at me with her small teary eyes because I did not only witness her coming, but I witnessed her coming on top of the poor, poor, so damn poor teddy bear she was straddling on the bed...In clear daylight.

I am a bad person, I start laughing when her tears start rolling down her eyes. "I knew you had a wild side. I knew it." I scream in triumph now that I recovered, just a bit from my utter shock.

But Sara, oh God, poor, young, naive, little Sara, she sobs and stands up, and I see it, I see the wet patch on the crotch of her navy briefs, darker than the rest of the fabric, and glistening in front of my weak eyes. I laugh more because I'm too fucking shocked to function. But that's rude, and I can't stop laughing, and her body is tantalizing. I can't stop scanning. Her bra is not doing her full breasts justice, I wish I walked in on her riding that bear naked, I wish she was masturbating in nudity when I walked in, but it's like she almost knew I would walk in, and so she was covered.

For a start, I know Sara masturbates when I'm out. Obviously when you have erotica, playboy magazines, and porn DVDs, you do masturbate, but I thought, perhaps, she and Emy enjoyed these together. Sara always portrayed innocence and naivety, but I knew she had a wild side by that shift of her thighs when she's sitting near me, by that look in her eyes when I'm half naked around her, by that tongue of her which speaks before a thought could be processed in her mind. I knew she had a wild side buried inside a stubborn, prude, and a timid young woman. That wild side had yet to be discovered, and I am honoured to be the one who has finally discovered that wild, animalistic side that enjoys fucking stuffed animals while staring at a nude woman from a magazine. The wild side of my dearest tormentor, Sara Smith.

But all of a sudden Sara is in the bathroom and I'm alone still speechless with my excited and thrilled thoughts. Sara left and I didn't say anything but laugh and point at her, and I feel insanely terrible, because that's not the person I want to be in front of her. I'm not a bitch, well at least not to her.

I put the espresso on on my desk and pick up the bag of the cake. I don't wanna look inside, because I'm sure the real victim in this situation is this delicious sweet cake. I put it next to the coffee and I walk to Sara's bed. I look at the bathroom's door and I know it's locked, and I also know Sara is sobbing from embarrassment in there. I look down at the bed and I see the poor stuffed animal.

Before I could realize what I'm doing, I pick it up and my smirk is too wide to even comprehend that Sara's standing in front of me, fully clothed. I drag the face of the inanimate animal to my nose and I sniff the scent of Sara's juices. My eyes can see Sara, but somehow my mind can't stop what my nose is doing. I bet her pussy tastes as nice as it smells. I'm in a daze, so I close my eyes and I get smacked across the head with the same bear that was once in my hands. "That's perverted." I snap out of my stupor and blink a few times. Sara in the same clothing she has worn this morning, her eyes are red and mascara-smudged, her voice is hoarse, and that's the first, and probably the last time I will see Sara in some state of messiness, because even when she wakes up, she's neat.

"You know if you wanna ride someone's face so much, I offer my fabulous visage." I don't know why I'm saying this, I don't know why I tease her the way I do, but each time her face mixes with bashful colours, and each time she inhales a breath of irritation, I feel the power I've always sought for, and this power turns me on, as twisted as that is. "Or maybe you wanna scissor? Not the best position, but I'd do it just for you." I raise my eyebrows and smile the devilish smile I perfect so well. And Sara, oh boy, she's boiling, boiling, boi...Owww...I look at my body as my back hit the edge of my bed after Sara has just shoved me with all her force that I fell.

I look up at her standing form and the pain in my lower back, my irrational impulse, and my anger, all combine to form a monster out of me, tackling the weaker woman and shoving her across the ground as well. "You fucking ass." I yell at her and my hand starts finding any spot it could to hit and scratch. I want to stop it, but I can't. She's squirming, covering her face, and I think even crying, but my beast just won't calm down and suddenly, she's on her stomach and I'm sitting on her bum and I'm pulling her hair. "You fucking psycho, you fucking bitch. You have issues." Even though I know I should be directing these words to myself, and I feel so ashamed, but I can't stop.

"Stop. Fucking, stop. Please stop." And I can hear her muffled sobs as I pull her shirt and push it up her head to ban her from shaking. I'm a fucking monster, and I can't stop doing what I'm doing.

When Sara clams down and stops making so much noises, I calm down as well. I blink, once, twice, thrice, and I realize where I am, what I'm doing, and who am I doing it to. "Oh my god." I whisper in disbelief to myself. "I'm so sorry." I stand up and try to help her up.

Sara refuses my hand and stands up on her own. I've never seen this type of fury in her eyes, the way she looks at me makes me feel so small, so bad, so awful. I don't usually feel like hating myself, but now I really do because I can already see her arm starting to bruise, and I'm pretty sure her back will too, and I feel so sick with myself and my doing I can't even say anything. "You know, you don't have to make fun of me everytime. It fucking sucks. Some people actually have feelings, believe it or not." I didn't expect to hear that. I didn't even know I was making fun of her. When did I ever make fun of her? I don't remember at all. I just teased her the way she did to me, we're equal, but Sara's too soft, too damn sensitive. She's a bitch to me as well and I'm okay with it, what makes it different for her? I don't understand it, I don't get it.

I watch her walking away with a shake and a shiver, and I think I now know what guilt really is. I've only felt bad with myself when someone insulted me, but never felt bad when I insulted someone, or hurt someone, because I've always believed whoever I hurt, they did deserve it. But now I don't really know anymore. Look at her, walking to the bathroom with fresh underwear and clothes and her whole body is shivering, she's like a baby deer and I'm the fucking lion who just attacked her. And what's killing me more is that she's not fighting back, she doesn't care that I hit her, she doesn't care that her skin is bruising because of me, and she's not saying anything back, she's not hitting me back. Why isn't she hitting me back? Why isn't she saying anything?

And that's how the rest of the night went. Sara didn't speak to me at all and I felt too ashamed to speak to her. I couldn't sleep all night, and now it's probably dawn and I'm still tossing and turning on the warm mattress. All I can think of is Sara's face when I came in, her features, the way the orgasm invaded her complexion slowly, creeping on every spot of skin, removing the paleness and attacking it with a scarlet hue. The way her eyes squeezed and the way her soft voice let out pleasured whimpers. And I remember how her toes curled and how her hands gripped the ears of the bear she was straddling as if they were someone's hair she's holding for dear life. These thoughts kept racing back and forth all night, I put myself in place of the stuffed animal and imagined it was my face she's hugging with her full thighs, and I also remembered her heady scent till I pooled in my underwear and couldn't do anything about it because the owner of my fantasies was not only sleeping beside me, but also breathing heavily that for a moment during my struggle of sleep, I began to worry she's not getting any oxygen in her asthmatic lungs.

I sigh and turn to my side, facing her, and also staring at her after turning my lamp on. After she got up an hour ago and went to the bathroom, she's been worrying me even more because her sleep seems troubled. And now that I'm looking at the sweat coating her brow, and hearing the soft snores leaving her parted lips, I'm beginning to feel more guilty and more anxious. What if I hurt her so bad? What if I caused her so much pain? What if she's having a terrible nightmare about me being an abusive person? I am terrible, seriously terrible, and I feel bad, really, really bad.

And Sara, I mean, why did she only comment on me making fun of her and not me hitting her? Why didn't she say anything about that? Why didn't she tell Emy? Or yell, or say something? I can't sleep, and I can't close an eye knowing what I've done, and not even knowing how she's feeling about it. I have to tell someone, but I know that's the worst time to tell anyone, nobody's awake, and I can't even tell my mother that, and I don't even have a friend in here besides her, and Jeremy is for sure asleep at the moment. Why can't I stop thinking? Why can't I close an eye? I hate you for making me feel this way, Sara Smith. I truly do.

I groan and push my face more in my pillow upon hearing the grating noise of Sara's alarm. She usually shuts it off as soon as it rings and starts making lots of noises until I get up and pause for like half an hour until I realize I have to get ready to go to my classes. But now the damn noise won't end, the ringing won't stop, and I'm quite positive the evil bitch is doing that on purpose as revenge for what I have done yesterday. "For fuck's sake, shut this thing off. Put it on snooze." Wait, yesterday, oh yes, yesterday. I hit her yesterday, and we weren't talking, and she was having a bad sleep and I barely slept.

I remove my blanket to take a peek at Sara and I find her still lying in bed, eyes tightly shut and legs curled. "Sara?" I mouth, but the alarm is too loud for her to hear. I reach out for it and finally murder its disturbing voice. "Sara?" I call again, now hearing her troubled breaths. "Do you want your puffer?" I start looking for it, and I find it on her bedside table, next to a glass of water and some pills I'm not sure what they're for. "Are you alright?" Sara doesn't answer me, but I see her shivering and I figure out she's asleep, or pretending to be asleep. Her sweatpants has risen up in her slumber, revealing her goosebumped calves. Her arms are slightly reddish where I hit them, a scratch on her left forearm. "Don't you have a class?" When she doesn't answer after a few seconds of my provided patience, I sigh and begin to get ready.

My shower is short and my breakfast is interrupted by Sara's sudden rush out of bed to the bathroom. I think she just realized she has to go to her class and is for sure running late, she didn't even clean today. I eat more of my cereal and watch more of the early morning cartoons and Sara's still in the bathroom. She has never taken this long to shower, maybe she doesn't want to see me? She probably hates me. I mean, she kinda hit me first...Okay, Tegan who are you justifying your brutal actions to? Bad, Tegan. Bad, bad, Tegan.

The knocks on the door make me halt my self-reprimanding thoughts, make me get up and open it for who I expected, Sara's girlfriend who does everything with her but be a girlfriend, Emily Storey. "Morning." I mouth back to her after I realize she's smiling so cheerily at me I'm pretty sure even the damn sun is disturbed by that happy smile.

"Where's Sara?" She looks around with her so fucking happy voice. It makes me want to vomit. Why are some people so fucking joyous in the damn morning? Be bitter, live in the moment.

I motion towards the bathroom and she nods. "She's been in there for the past forty minutes, I think she died." I say casually as I try to get my attention back on the TV.

"Oh." She whispers and walks towards the bathroom. "Sara? Are you still in the shower? You're gonna be pretty late for Math." I look at the watch on my wrist and I gasp as I realize I'm running late. I get up and take my bowl to the sink, when I do, the bathroom's door opens, Emy vanishes through the hole, and the door closes. I hear some sort of a voice, which I'm sure it's Sara's whiny voice moaning, and I don't really wanna stay hearing the show of Emy and Sara getting it on in the bathroom. Evil witch, Sara Smith, is probably planning to annoy me on purpose, or she really has a fetish with bathroom sex. I mean, she's kinky, now I can use that against her all the time, and she'll end up pushing me to the ground, and I'll hit her again, so that's a bad idea, I won't do that. I still feel guilty about yesterday.

Friday is a busy day at the cafe'. People with absolutely no life keep ordering coffees. Businessmen who I have no idea what they're doing in this area at this time invade the place instead of students who neglect it on Fridays. I've been standing on my feet since the morning, they're killing me, all I want is a nice bath and some good sleep. People usually go out on Fridays, but I just love to chill in the empty dorm when I return. Sara and Emy go on dates on Fridays, and I stay alone and watch a film or play in Sara's PlayStation till I'm too sleepy.

I don't usually take coffee for Sara and only take a cake for me, but tonight, I quite still feel some hints of guilt even though I haven't seen or heard from Sara at all today. I didn't even see Emy around campus. I saw Lindsey and Sarah walking together, however, therefore I ran in the opposite direction since their company is rather throttling. Anyway, I end up walking towards the dorm with a cupcake and Irish nut creme for Sara, I hope she'll forgive me with bribery if she's there. I forgive me, so she should.

When I walk in, I see Sara and Emy both on Sara's bed, sitting, with the phone attached to Emy's ear. "She keeps vomiting, I'm sure it's stomach flu, she has a fever."

"I'm pretty sure it's food poisoning. Fuck these tacos." Sara whines and her girlfriend hushes her.

"I brought you..." I bring up the cup in front of her pale face. "And a cupcake. All for you."

"No, no, no. Keep these away." Emy pushes my hands away and I stumble while stepping back. "Hold on, Jessica." The fucking bitch says and looks at her other fucking bitch who's scowling at me. "Don't you dare, you know what this does to your stomach when it's upset." She turns to me. "She's really sick, coffee makes her throw up and gives her a stomachache, she already has that. So please..." She trails off as I nod and step away, already drinking the delicious coffee I brought Sara as she eyes me with with squinted lids. "That's Sara's roommate. Yes, she told you about her?" I furrow my brows as my eyes land on Emy's back of the head. "Ya, she brought her coffee. No she doesn't know she's sick. Ya, ya. Yes, she's very nice." My eyes fly to Sara and I see her eyebrows raised as she's staring at me. We both know what that means, and honestly, it makes me blush, because I'm anything but nice, especially after what I have portrayed yesterday. "Sara, do you want to talk to your mum now?" So that's Sara's mum on the telephone? Holy fuck, I forgot Sara has a mum, I never saw her speaking to her. And it seems that she doesn't want to do that after shaking her head. "She's just really tired. She insists it's food poisoning, but I know it's not. She just has a sensitive stomach from the clean obsession she has. I know, I told her. Your mum says are you sure this is not just your regular stress stomachache? Like everytime?" Sara huffs loudly and pushes her face in her pillow. "Okay, I think this time it's not, I mean it's not only a stomachache, she's actually vomiting, Jessica." Why the fuck is Emy talking to Sara's mum as if they're friends? I will never get these people. "Alright, I will. Bye. Yes. Alright, ya, ya I know. Bye."

Emy turns to me with half a smile as I stuff my face with the cupcake on my place on the sofa. Sara lies on her bed and closes her eyes. "So, what's up?" I say with my mouth full, and Sara opens her death-promising eyes to glare at me.

"She's just a bit sick." Emy says and looks at her girlfriend. "Sara, what are these bruises on your arms?" My eyes go wide as Emy takes one arm to inspect it. "I saw them in the morning but forgot to ask." She studies the now terribly visible bruises and I feel myself swimming in guilt.

"I fell yesterday in the shower." She mumbles like it's nothing and my heart beats like it's everything, and it is everything because what I've done is just sick and as much as I try to joke about it in my mind, I know my face continues turning yellowish as I realize what I've actually done. It's all fun and games when she's on top of you and her hands are wrapped around your neck and it's getting you turned on, but there's just a thin line between that and between beating her senseless just because she pushed me down. I'm not sure where that came from, but I'm sure I will never forget I've done it if I'm being quite honest.

"You're so clumsy." Her girlfriend giggles and kisses the purplish skin.

I am not in the mood to finish what I'm gulping or eating anymore, and suddenly I feel so small and so stupid, so damn stupid I can't even sit with them. I walk to the bathroom without making much noise, since when did I become an abusive person? I can justify it, I can give millions of reasons to why this particular woman ignites these mysterious fires inside of me and drags me to do things I haven't done, but I can't really give a solid reason to why I hit her the way I did. I don't really cry much, but now I feel like crying, even though the tears won't accept to fall out of my lids. I want to make it better to her, I want to feel better about what I have done, and I know that's selfish, but I don't think I'll sleep or close an eye without her saying it's fine and she forgives me, without her smiling and teasing me once again.

After moments of contemplation under a cold spray of water, I return to the room to find Emy's still in her exact position, but Sara is calmly asleep and heavily breathing. Emy puts a finger to her mouth and shushes any possible noise that I might make. I look at my roommate and not only my guilt eats me up, but something similar to that of jealousy strikes me when I see her hand holding her girlfriend's hand. Hopefully it's the heat of the moment that makes my stomach drop, but realizing that Emy and Sara are still in love just shredded all my fantasies about that woman and threw them lying scattered under my feet. My green eyes won't stop staring at that grip of love that I have never felt, nor will ever feel, and that actually makes me want to cry more. Even when their love is ending they still care about one another, and nobody has ever cared about me, and I don't know why it's hurting me just now out of all the times I've seen love in front of my eyes and mocked it.

"Come with me. Let her sleep." My eyes are up again and sternly staring at the woman I'm beginning to find a rival in. I don't react for a couple of seconds till she drags me by the hand out of my room and into the corridor. "Sorry, I just need to talk to you about something." I nod and follow Emy through the halls of the dormitory. "So since my girlfriend is seriously clueless, when I gave her the silver chain with the silver guitar pick as a pendant, she didn't realize it was a hint of her actual gift." I listened while walking to Emy's dorm with her. "I want it to be a surprise, I want her to wake up in the morning and find the guitar next to her."

"It's not Christmas." I don't know why I said that, but everything about Emy being the girlfriend I thought she's not is bothering me.

"It doesn't have to be Christmas to surprise people you care about, you know?" I sense irritation in the woman's octave, and I honestly don't blame her. I am irritating. "I know she's really stressed. I feel kinda bad. Today she dragged me in the bathroom telling me to beg her mother to be okay with her quitting college. I don't know what happened all of a sudden, she seemed pretty upset. Do you know what's wrong?" By now I'm not sure if Emy can see through me and is investigating through wit and wickedness to get to me and slap me across the face for laying a hand on her girlfriend, or is just simply questioning me.

"No. I don't. Why would you call her mother though? Why were you the one talking to her mother?"

"She's angry because her parents yelled at her when she called them at six in the morning telling them she's quitting uni." Emy sighs. "That's basically Sara's anger. She'll just wake up tomorrow forgetting everything and she'll talk to them again. She's got a white heart, never holds a grudge."

"You love her?" Again, I don't know why I asked, but the fire in my heart is awfully burning every sense of sanity I once owned, it's starting to drag me through ambiguous abysses of feelings I have never encountered.

"Well of course I do. I mean yes, we're basically breaking up and we both know it, but I will always love her. She's my best friend before being my girlfriend." Emy shrugs and the fire is extinguished. Did I just hear what I heard? Am I smiling? Oh god, why am I happy? Why do I feel better? I don't like Sara that way. I just want to sleep with her, and after what I've done yesterday I doubt she wants to sleep with me.

Sara wants love, I don't give love. I want sex, Sara doesn't give sex. It's never gonna be solved.

Sarah, Lindsey, and Theresa are standing outside of Emy's and Sarah's room when we reach. Honestly, they're a replica of that new film _Mean Girls_. The way they're standing, scanning us, staring at us up and down. It's repulsive, and I'm like a magnet to their scrutinizing stares. I go there and join their circle while Emy goes inside to get that guitar. My eyes on the blonde and her smile is wide.

"This is Tegan, we told you about her." Lindsey says and smiles at me, I smile back and lick my lower lip.

"What's her face's roommate?" I nod even though I'm not really concentrating on what she's saying. "Oh, poor you. Out of all people you were roomed with that stupid loser?" Before I think of nodding, my brows wrinkle and the charm slowly disappears.

"I still don't know what Emy sees in her. She's totally blinded. She keeps dragging the bitch everywhere we go. Like we wanna talk and be us and dummy has to be there." I look at Sarah and I feel lost.

"I'm pretty sure she did some witchcraft to let someone fall for her and finally take her virginity away." Theresa says and my eyebrows raise. Is this junior high? Is this the sequel to_ Mean Girls_? Where are the cameras and the director?

"You're not gonna tell her we said that, Tegan, are you?" Lindsey's nervous chuckle gives me an idea. If I want to win the game, I have to play them game. I smirk and shake my head.

"Of course not. Why would I?" I wink at Lindsey and Theresa pushes my shoulder to make me face her. Talk about possessive bitches.

"So, Tegan. Is Sara being an annoying little girl to you? Want me to deal with it?" Okay, someone is obsessed with Sara, I see.

"Last time you dealt with it you got Emy to date her, so no thank you." Sarah's angry tone makes the passers in the hallway look at the circle of us mean bitches while passing by.

"Aren't you like sleeping with her? Why are you so sad about it?" Okay, what did I just hear? Who's sleeping with who? Sarah looks at me with dilated eyes and from the corner of my angry ones I can see Theresa's wicked gaze.

"I won't tell, don't worry." I give her the most fake assuring smile I have ever mastered. She relaxes and thanks me.

"See, this girl right here is smart." Theresa's hand is suddenly on my shoulder, giving it a rub, one of those flirty ones I do well. "Unlike stupid Sara." She continues. "That's what everyone calls her here, by the way. Like come on, seven years and still can't graduate university? I wonder how she graduated high school." Hearing all that is new to me. Since I came here I viewed Sara as someone other than this. She didn't seem stupid to me at all, naive? Yes, but stupid? Definitely not. But now I'm hearing that, all that hate, all that talking behind her back, I am shocked. I didn't think Sara's weak, or see her as someone weak. I didn't think she's hated...by her own friends, but now it's lain in front of me. Sara is a victim of backstabbing, and I am standing with these backstabbers.

"I bet her rich daddy bribed his way to get her to college. Rich girls always get what they want." Evil Sarah rolls her eyes and I can see how much she despises good Sara by every black dot in her irises. I see envy, I see hatred, I see irritation, all mixing and boiling together.

Emy leaves the room with a black and blue acoustic guitar. I see honesty in her blue irises, but I'm probably deceived with them. I notice she didn't say hi to her friends, and doesn't say hi at all, she motions for me to follow her and I go, shrugging on purpose to the circle of bitches before following. "That's pretty. Does she play?" I don't know anything at all about guitars, but I try now to be fake and friendly to Emy, just to get where I want.

"Yes, she's been eye-fucking it for about a month whenever we go to the music store. She plays the keyboard. She's seriously good. She writes songs as well." Emy's honesty is killing me. I hate it so fucking much because I know it's fake.

"Why are you cheating on her?" I ask out of nowhere. Actually out of every raging part inside of me that carries bits of care towards Sara. I don't really know where do they stem from, but they're there, the same way they are present when a man breaks my mother's heart. I hold that same tender care in me even though I am a hypocrite who hurt the innocent woman as well.

"Excuse me?" Emy furrows her brows and halts her movement in the middle of the stairs.

"You're cheating on Sara and you say you love her. What the fuck? She's so faithful to you, if your love is done just break up, or don't cheat on her." Honestly, I have no idea where is this coming from, but it makes me feel good.

"Okay. Who the fuck told you I'm cheating on Sara? Cause I'm pretty sure I'm not." She seems confused, looking at me as if I'm dumb, which I feel like I am, and by now I don't really care if she knows her roommate was the source of these spicy information or not.

"They were all just talking about how you and Sarah, your roommate Sarah, are sleeping together. Look I'm not supposed to say that to anyone, but like what the fuck?"

"Is that what they're saying? Oh my god." Emy erupts in laughter and my confusion is expanding by the second. "Okay, they either meant to say that to _you _on purpose, so you go tell Sara and that will break us up, or Sarah's spreading rumours that she's sleeping with me. She's in love with me. Just ignore it. I'm not sleeping with anyone, not even with my own Sara, if you want it raw and real." I don't know who and what to believe by now. I just continue walking as Emy resumes the movement of her feet.

"I'm seriously confused." Emy looks at me. "Why do they hate Sara so much? Why are you all friends? They seemed so bitchy."

Emy stops again and sighs. I prepare myself for the story I'm sure I'm going to hear. "Theresa's sick. She's still stuck in junior high somehow. Sara's too weak for her, therefore she was the catch. They dated four years ago. Don't tell Sara I told you this, but Sara's kinda too shy, to the extreme, she believes in all of that special first time and love making and these stuff." As if I didn't know. "So of course Sara didn't sleep with her, and Theresa was always making fun of her and talking about how she's still a virgin to everyone. Sara called it off, and that damaged Theresa's pride so she started making fun of Sara and embarrassing her wherever they're at the same place. One time at a bar it was really awful, she kept telling some douchebags about her being a virgin and they made a bet on who will get her drunk and sleep with her, even though they all knew she's a lesbian."

"Wow." We are in _Mean Girls_. Holy shit. "What happened?"

"Well we didn't let it happen. I mean she got so wasted but her old roommate, who introduced us, didn't let anybody touch her. I started having feelings for her when she kept mouthing dirty stuff to me in the car." I see the sides of Emy's cheeks blaze with redness and I try not to laugh thinking of drunk Sara with a dirty mouth.

"Sara talking dirty to you?" By the smile on Emy's face, I can tell she understands why I'm surprised, and I'm glad she understands why I am, in fact, surprised.

"That was the only time." Emy's sad sigh makes me hold a giggle. I think I'm beginning to wish I was in Emy's place. I wonder how it feels and what it feels to bed Sara and shower her tender skin with kisses.

"I feel bad for Sara. She's so nice, they're such bitches to her. I feel like I wanna seek revenge in her behalf." I share what's on my mind as we reach my room.

"Ya, well you have something in mind? Because I'm starting to hate my friends for what you just told me." Emy does care about Sara, and even though that's a good thing, it's still an impediment to get to Sara.

"How about I make the Theresa bitch fall in love with me and then..." Both of my hands imitate a motion of something vanishing after an explosion.

"That bitch doesn't love. She just wants to fuck. I hate those people." I stand in my place and Emy moves the knob. I revise what she has just said in my head only to be given a summary about myself. I am not like that woman who spreads hate, I am nothing like her. I don't like to be categorized in the same rank as her. The non-lovers, abusive fuckers, I don't want to be that. "I'm sorry, didn't mean to offend you. You're a good person, I'm sure you just do what you do because you haven't found love yet, otherwise you wouldn't be so caring." Emy whispers and my heart flutters. Aww Emy, now I like you. But I don't think I'll ever find love. I mean mother found love with father and they've been separated since ever. So what's the use anyway if love doesn't last?

Emy rests the guitar on the wall on Sara's left, right besides the closet. Sara's still asleep and softly wheezing through troubled lungs. "Good night." Emy whispers and smiles at me. I mouth it back and sit on my bed. What a long day, full of details about this cutie sleeping in my room. I want to know more and more, but first, I want her to forgive me. Hopefully in the morning I'll try my best. Right now, I'm tired, I just want to change my clothes and close my eyes.

Before the morning comes, before I think of understanding what's happening, before the sun rises, before it's time to wake up, and in the middle of the night, perhaps a bit before dawn, I hear noises and I wake up. Sara's on her bed, eyes closed, coughing, aloud. The room is too dark to see, the moon is still out there, and I don't know what time it is, I reach for the lamp and turn it on. I see Sara struggling to breathe, sweat trailing on her forehead, still asleep but hardly in peace. I get up and touch her arm. "Sara? Wake up. I think you're having an attack in your sleep." I shake her just a little bit and she begins opening her eyes. When she finally does, and is finally aware of what's happening, a forced gasp escapes her mouth and in a flash of seconds, only seconds, Sara has covered both herself and I with puke.

I am getting sick at the smell and the sight. My t-shirt is full of the undigested food she just hurled, and all her mattress as well as her clothes are covered with it too, and she won't stop. She continues vomiting and it takes me and her a while to realize what's happening. By now I'm not sure if she's having an attack or is puking her guts out only, or both. But I do the best thing I can do and pull her to the bathroom. I notice she's still pretty unaware and in the daze of her slumber when she stumbles. I catch her before she falls and help her to the bathtub. She looks at me and blinks a few times when I start aiming the shower head to her feet and legs, which are covered in the contents of her stomach. She whimpers a little bit, and I'm not sure if it's because of the cold water or the fact she's now aware of what's happening and is now fully awake.

"Take off your clothes." I say quickly to her, but she pushes my hand away. "I'll clean everything, I'll get you some clothes, take these off." I say again and leave the room. I switch on the light and look, as well as smell, the mess my roommate has just caused. The carpet between our beds is full of her puke, as well as her mattress. I remember I'm as well dirty and grab myself another sports bra and new pajamas. As for Sara, I honestly don't know what to get her. Clothes and underwear, I know, but I'm scared of touching her undergarments, she might yell at me. But she can't really yell at me for wanting to help her. I hear her gagging from the bathroom and I feel even worse, I seriously hate throwing up. I open her underwear drawer and take a peek, and I know I must be looking like a little child searching for candy in their mother's kitchen, I see the variety of underwear that I didn't expect. Feminine and masculine variety all in that one drawer, from boxers to lace, from briefs to thongs. All well arranged according to type and colour. I choose simple black briefs and move on to the drawer beneath that one. Also struck by variety of bras, but I don't look more, I just grab the thin black bra and close it. I know she likes to sleep in these types of bras rather than the padded ones, and I don't blame here, these are comfortable.

I walk to the bathroom again and when I enter, I see her in her undergarments, in front of the mirror, washing her face. I pause and stand at the door. I'm afraid to look and afraid to make a sound, but I can't help but take in the art that is her form. I've only seen it two days ago, when I caught her, but I didn't pay much attention to the creamy skin, to the fullness of her thighs, to the gentle width of her hips, the roundness of her breasts, to her lovely arms, and the shy pouch of meat of her belly. I didn't notice all that, the femininity she possesses in her body is astonishing, and I am mesmerized by her beauty. I can't even speak until she looks at me, reaching a hand over her chest in a useless attempt to cover up. "Uh...I'm sorry. I brought you clothes." I hand her what's in my hands. I don't know why I'm blushing, or stuttering, that's not me. But her flushed face is contagious and I am starting to catch whatever fever she's spreading to my non-immune body. "I'm sorry I had to go through your underwear drawer, I know you hate that." I speak really quickly and I think I catch some ghost of a smile, but as soon as I blink, it disappears.

"It's okay. Thank you." She whispers so politely and so nicely I want to rip my heart out and lay it at her feet for her to step on it. How did I lay a hand on her? How did I even think her evil? I'm the evil bitch, not Sara. "If you don't mind." She whispers again, holding out her clothes. I nod and leave the bathroom, closing the door behind.

I take the chance and get myself rid of my t-shirt and my sweatpants, I throw them near the bathroom's door and I walk to my own bras drawer and fetch another one. I sigh as I look at the puke everywhere again, the room already smells terrible, Sara's bed is covered with her stomach's content. I think about how am I going to clean that while ridding myself off my bra and throwing it where my clothes are. As I'm putting on the new one I hear Sara's gags once again and I hear the loud coughs one more time. I take the puffer and walk to the bathroom. She's hugging her stomach while trying to empty what's not there inside the toilet. I stand and watch, because I don't know what to do. I see her tears squeezed between her lids as she grabs onto her stomach, I know she's in pain. She looks like she's in a great deal of it. Her complexion alone is not quite promising, and when I touched her skin while waking her up, she was burning.

She winces and groans. "My tummy." She's astonishingly adorable and I feel seriously stupid finding her this fucking cute in this situation she's in. "It hurts so bad." She starts crying and I don't know what to do. How do you comfort your bitch roommate who makes you blush but you also wanna fuck but you hit earlier and feel guilty and bad about it?

She begins to cough once again, and the coughs seem forced out of her lungs, as if she's trying to search for any route for air. I'm like a dumb doll, just standing there falling for whatever I'm falling in while watching her struggle to breathe. It's only later that I realized her hands movement were for me to hand her the puffer I forgot I was holding in my hand. I give it to her as I gasp at my sinister subconscious, scolding my mind immediately. I watch Sara once again regain her breath by helping her own self with mouth wide open.

She stands up and flushes the toilet. She walks to the sink once again and I'm still in my place, watching her the same way I used to watch my mother apply make up on her face before each date back when I was only five. I can see her eyes shifting towards my standing figure from the mirror, and something inside of me shakes, actually trembles, some sort of feeling, I don't know what it is. Some type of deja vu, it's as if I've seen all of this before, when, and where? I don't know. The resemblance she has with my mother, and honestly, even myself when it comes to looks, is quite frightening, but I know a lot of people do look alike by some chance, so it doesn't really bother me that much, however, at times like these when we're so close and I can see her features clearly, I do become irritated with the fact I am attracted to her. It only means one thing, and one thing only, I am a narcissistic ass, attracted to people who look like me. That's probably the case.

"C'mere." I take her hand when I see her struggling to walk, one hand clutching her troubled stomach and one shaking in mine, her eyes can barely open, fresh tears are running down, and I continue feeling terrible that she's feeling that way.

I am actually surprised she accepted holding my filthy hand, according to her. Probably because I just washed them in front of her after throwing my dirty clothes in my hamper. "God, Sar, you're burning. This is not okay, don't you have some medicine?" We walk out to the room and she wrinkles her delightful features when the smell and sight both hit her.

"Emy said she's gonna take me to the doctor if it got worse." She says with her hoarse, lovely voice. "I'm just taking stuff for the flue, but they're making me throw up." She whines the last sentence like a child and I just want to squeeze her and jump with her on a trampoline or something. "God, the room..." She trails off, because I have eyes and I can see as well. "I just wanna sleep." She whines again.

"Okay, sleep on my bed. I'll clean all this. You can't even sleep on your bed. It's a mess." I offer and she furrows her brows at my suggestion. "It's fine, your pillow is clean, my sheets are clean. Sleep on my bed, really." I walk to my bed and remove my blanket in order to motion her in. I reach for her purple pillow and put it in the place of my white one. I pat the space on the bed and give her a smile. "Come on. No need to worry, I don't masturbate in here." I wink at her, and even though I know that's the worst timing to tease, I'm kinda glad I did, because the yellowish hue of her skin suddenly alters to one so red it's full of life.

She walks to my bed and sits on it gently, she moves her two feet and rests them, then moves her hand and rests it on her aching tummy, and I cover her with my own blanket. "What about you?" She whispers.

"I'll clean this now, and I'll crash on the sofa." I mouth as I pace towards the room. I look at the guitar that Sara hasn't noticed at all and also remember I'm still in my undergarments. I grab myself a tanktop and shorts and begin to dress. Sara has already closed her eyes, but I know she's not asleep, and I know she keeps opening them every second to see what I'm doing.

When I figure out how I am going to clean all that, I find Sara's eyes open and watching every movement I make. I aid her with a small smile as I grab the pot of boiling water and start to pour it where she puked on the carpet and on her bare mattress after I have removed her bed sheets. "Mum used to pour boiled water over her mattress when I used to pee myself on it when I was..." I squint my eyes to remember. "About four or five. Best sterilizer." I look at Sara and I see her smiling, a very tired smile, she looks very tired. "Hey are you sure you're gonna be alright? You really don't look well at all." I ask, because her colour is back as pale as it was if not more, and I know she's feeling cold because she's snuggling with my blanket and her lips are trembling. She gives me a nod but I sigh, because right now I'm really not sure. I grab the garbage can and put it near my bed. "If you feel like you want to throw up again, here, okay?" She nods once again. "Are you cold?" She nods quickly. "Let me get you something to wear, some jacket?"

"Can you get me my green blanket from my closet? Top shelf, same place as the bed sheets." Her words, even though kinda bossy the way they are, but very groggy and full of her lisp. I nod and walk in to her closet. I have closed the light by now, only my lamp is on, so I'm basically blind, I'm also very short and can't reach. I try to push my hand, I can feel the material of her blanket, I jump in to catch it, but instead, I don't know how, but something hard greets me and falls over my head...And by something hard, I mean a fucking dildo.

I knocked over the whole box with the straps and the dildo on the ground, and the phallus had fallen on my head, and now it's in my hand. Surprises, more surprises, Sara's so not who she portrays she is. It's her dildo, so she's probably the one who uses it on Emy, or herself. I've never used one on people, only people used them on me. Lucky Emy, I bet Sara's wonderful at this. Innocent Sara's so not innocent.

I remember why I'm here in the first place and push the toy in its box and put it on the top shelf again where it was. When I return, I find that Sara has closed her eyes and is on her side, facing my side of the room, my wall where my desk is and my other trash. I remove my blanket and cover her body with her own, then put mine on top of hers and walk to the sofa with my pillow and lie down.

I toss, I turn, I close my eyes, I try to focus on my sleepy state, I try to fall back into slumber, but I simply can't. Not because my mind isn't letting me, but because the woman constantly inside of it is having the worst time, and I am nearby to witness all the smothered cries she's trying to hold and all the soft moans she's trying to tame. I decide to get up and walk to her, what if it's something so serious? I switch on the light of the lamp again, and as soon as I do, I see Sara shutting her eyes tightly as the red rays hit her sensitive vision. "Shit, you're so not okay." I mumble as soon as I feel her temperature with my palm. "That's really bad. What should I do?" I mumble mostly to myself. "What are you feeling?"

"That someone is stabbing my stomach." She forces the words out and I sigh. I don't know what to do, I'm not a doctor, I suck at nursing someone back to health. I'm usually the one who's always sick and needs all the love and care.

"I don't know what to do. Should I call Emy?" I'm such a horrible roommate, damn it. Sara shakes her head and grits her teeth, I suppose another wave of pain hit her stomach. "Okay, look, I'll try to control the fever by now, but in the morning you must go to the doctor with Emy." She nods, because she has no other option.

A bowl full of cold water and a towel is all I manage to bring back to bed. I cool Sara's sweaty brow with the towel and she flinches, but then I see she starts to relax, and I relax as well when I move my hand over her arm and feel that her fiery skin is slowly getting back to its original temperature. I can't help but rub down the softness of her arm, the tiny hairs meeting me till I reach her hand and rub at her knuckles, and I see how calming that is to her, her breathing is even better than before. I smile at her when she looks at me and she smiles back at me.

"How come you're taking care of me? Don't you hate me?" She asks all of a sudden. I look up at her small swollen eyes and tilt my head to the side.

"Hate you?" I chuckle. "Why would I hate you?" I shake my head. I remove the towel, drench it in water, squeeze it, then put it above her brow once again. "I'm very sorry, Sara. I feel so bad. So fucking bad about what I did. I know it's wrong. I don't know what had gotten into me." I bite my lower lip, I don't know what so say anymore.

"I'm not mad at you." She whispers. "I'm just really embarrassed." Her voice cracks, and I feel it coming, but I hope she doesn't cry again. "You saw my orgasm face. You saw me in the most embarrassing and private act ever and it's so hard looking at you." She doesn't cry though. She just sighs.

"It's okay. I can show my orgasm face if it will make you feel better." I try to lighten up the mood, but I can feel that Sara's physical pain is too overwhelming to let her respond to my efforts.

"Like what? You'll masturbate in front of me?" I haven't thought about that. And now I'm the one who feels embarrassed for offering, so I don't answer. I kind of give a slight nod, which comes naturally, without much thought, not because I will do that in front of her. Having sex with her is different than having sex with myself in front of her.

I can feel it's hard for her to look into my eyes now. She turns her head around and I can no longer help her fever. I put the bowl aside and switch off the light. "Can I join you in bed?" I ask and quickly retreat with an explanation to my suggestion. "Not in a pervy or a romantic way, I promise. In a friend type of way. Like I won't do anything." I only make out a nod and hear a very low yes from her. I think it's because it's my bed, and she feels guilty she's sleeping on it and I'm not. "Let's talk. We should just talk. I want to talk." I know it's the worst time, but it's the only time I'll catch Sara in this state of honesty and truthfulness, in this state of rawness and realness, exposed and naked from the masks she portrays. Not trying to disguise her emotions or fantasies with disgust or terror. The same it is with me, if you want me to unravel and vent, then the time after midnight is the best time, when I'm sleepy, feeling lonely and empty and is heavy with emotions and feelings I can't suppress like I do during the day.

When Sara doesn't answer me I reach for her hand again, and to my luck I feel her body unconsciously moving towards my own. The space isn't even big on this bed, but it's enough to give us a gap while sleeping on it, but now the gap is omitted by Sara's body glued to mine. "First of all, you really don't have to be embarrassed about this." I contradict my thoughts with my words. I hear a groan and I laugh, I know she really doesn't want to talk about this. "Look, at least it wasn't your mum who caught you with two fingers inside of you when you were thirteen. Now that's a horrible situation." I hear Sara gasp, and I feel her head lift and I'm sure her eyes are wide open with shock but I can't see them because we're both squeezed under the blanket. I snort and nod. "Yes, my mum caught me doing that. Like she straight up removed the duvet and boom, two fingers in my cunt meeting her eyes. I was thirteen which made it all really terrible. Well at least I didn't hear the sex talk. But ya I couldn't look into her eyes for a whole week." I let out one of these sighs of comfort at the memory and I heard it, her soft, sweet, girlish giggle. "Ha, feeling better with my embarrassing story?"

"Ya." She shyly says and I smile at her sweet voice. I'm so close to her and God, I wanna cuddle her and squeeze her, I've never felt that way towards any human being and the feeling inside my heart and lower abdomen is so fucking great I feel like I could fly right now or I could throw up rainbows and excitement. I'm so fucking excited that I reach for her damp hair and start stroking it, and she fucking _lets me_. She lets me do it without any protest. "I fucked a teddy, though. That's really bad." I giggle and keep stroking her hair. I honestly don't know what she was thinking, and I have a feeling she doesn't know as well. It could be some fantasy or fetish, but it's embarrassing her too much to think she did it often. "So you masturbate?" She asks again and I shake my head, here's Sara, that's what she focuses on.

"Doesn't every human masturbate?" I ask, but get no answer. "Of course I do, Sara, where do you think I let out my frustration in? Besides beating the shit out of you...okay sorry, that's not something to joke about."

"I almost choked you. I think it's fair. I mean we fight like I used to fight with my sister. Though she's pretty young and I end up yelled at and she ends up crying, but anyway, I think we're even." Sara rants and my smile is so silly, thank god she doesn't see it. "Where do you masturbate?" Are you fucking serious? She asks the most random questions ever, they kill me. "Oh wait, in the bathroom." I can feel her wicked smile spreading across her face. Okay wasn't she crying minutes ago because of her stomach? What a con, I bet she just wanted my love and affection. "That's why you take long showers, don't you?"

"Well you don't miss a thing, do you?" I chuckle and she giggles. "Can I confess something?" Here is sob Tegan, she's starting to open up, oh no.

"Ya." I can feel the excitement through her voice.

"I haven't slept with anyone since I came here. Like at all. Nobody's filling my desires or wants as much as..." You, say it idiot, it's fine. She knows anyway.

"I want to confess something too." She takes a deep breath and I can feel how shaky it is because it hits my face and now I realize we're inches apart, my heart starts racing, and my sweat starts running out of my body. "I feel so guilty because you always make me wet." She whispers and my breath hitches. Nobody, nobody has ever said something so raw to me in such a sugary, sweet way. I'm melting, she's crushing me, I'm evaporating.

"You make me so wet too. I touch myself thinking of you." I confess something so dangerous. There's no coming back. We're basically saying things that will either change things for us for the better or the worst.

"Emy will hate me." She whispers in guilt. Emy will hate me too, but I don't care, I've fallen in a fucking pit, I need to touch this human being and I know she needs to touch me, but that barrier called Emy is fucking things for us. "What are we Tegan?" She asks again. "This is so weird. We're like...I don't know. Are we friends? Do you like me? I like you. But I love Emy. You turn me on, but I can't cheat on Emy. You don't like commitment, I want one, I'm getting old anyway. My friends from high school already have kids and I still can't hold a relationship." I feel now that she's rambling, she's letting out her feelings and I know she's as tired as I am, and is for sure more due to her sickness.

"I..I don't know." I don't know what to tell her. All of this is scaring me. It's like she's trying to charm me through words to start falling for her, and I'm scared of that. Words are the strongest propaganda a human can use to toy with a mind, I don't want that. I don't want to let words tickle my brain the way they do to my mother's, but I want this woman and because of how much I want her, I can't think nor touch anybody else, it's slowly killing me. This is too fast. It's happening too fucking fast. We only know each other for about a month. I hate this, I don't want this, but I want her. "We're friends...Who feel some things towards each other. It happens." I try to give her an answer because I know how sensitive she is and I don't want to make her cry again. "We'll figure it out." My hand is still on her hair and her breaths are still hitting my skin. But that's how it goes, that's how it ends, we stay in this position and we fall asleep in that same position.

I wake up to an excruciating pain in my left breast, where Sara's head has found a pillow other than hers. My nipple is so sore and I feel the piercing causing a burn. I try to push her head but she doesn't yield easily, and I end up pushing her roughly and groan while holding that breast.

As I wince and grit my teeth, look inside of my bra for any signs of infection or bleeding caused by the piercing, I realize I'm being watched by Sara. "Was it me? I'm so sorry."

I nod and hiss at the burn I cause myself while toying with the barbell, squeezing my eyes shut. "It's just that not only it hasn't fully healed yet, but two months ago I fucking cut it with the stupid earbuds while pulling them, they got tangled with the piercing and I pulled it roughly. Don't even ask why I was topless."

"I figured you like being naked all the time?" She says through her sick voice, watching my hand moving under my shirt and bra, massaging my breast softly, and I know by the shimmering sparkle in her eyes, it must be doing some stuff between her thighs.

"No. That's just what you think of me, however, have you ever seen me naked?" She shakes her head shyly. "Then don't assume." Okay, I'm sounding like an irritated bitch, which I am, I didn't get good sleep, my boob hurt, and Sara keeps blowing her nose too loudly.

Sara sits up and winces while holding her stomach, she rubs her temple and looks around. And then she spots it, she gasps and gets up quickly. "Oh my god. Is that? What?" She's in loss of words, she points at the musical instrument and I smile. And now I suddenly remember why I'm irritated. It's because of the talk we had last night, and because of how she makes me feel.

Also because Emy brought her the guitar, and she's so happy, and it's making me so angry and frustrated. I am not documenting any of the details of her squealing about the stupid guitar, and will move on to when her sickness invaded her body again, and thankfully, made her leave the guitar and get back on _my_ bed, with_ me_.

Her parents call and speak to her. Then Emy calls and says she's coming down in a bit. I shower and get ready for my day. Sara's getting worse somehow, throwing up, sweating, and her breathing is troubled, and is still on my bed.

I open the door for Emy when she knocks on it, she smiles, I fake a jealous smile, and she walks to Sara. "Why are you on her bed?" I swear it's the first thing she says when she sees her. Not anything sweet and caring, but questioning why she's on my bed.

"She puked all over hers last night." I say, with hands on my hips and eyebrows raised. "I slept on the sofa." She doesn't even hear me out and jumps on my damn bed.

"Oh, baby." Gross, disgusting, details of Emy and Sara forcing themselves to show false affection shall never be documented in here. Not in Tegan's world.

I watch them whisper things to each other and I know I must look like a volcano right now, ready to fire its lava at any giving second. "We're gonna go to the doctor." Emy looks up at me, smiling, unaware of the green monster that I have become, but I can see Sara, with her eyes, is fully aware of it, she gives me _that_ look. That fucking _look_.

"I'll go grocery shopping. Then I'll cook some soup for _you_, Sara. I'll get some movies too, we'll watch a movie or something." I smile with the fakest innocence I own.

"That sounds great. Ya, babe?" Bitch, she said she hates that word, fuck off, weren't you breaking up last night? "Sounds good, Tegan. We'll have fun." We? Who included you anyway? God, I hate myself. I shouldn't be doing that, thinking like that, Emy's nice, she's a good one, like Sara. But Sara, she's Sara, I want to fuck her, I want her for me and only_ me_. Me, me, me.

Speaking of me, I somehow forgot it's _my_ birthday. How the fuck did I forget it's my birthday? I love myself way too fucking much to forget it's my birthday. This is what Sara's doing to me, she's making me forget to love myself, to think of myself, and to have a time for myself. I'm only reminded it's the day when I adorned this life by sliding out of Sonia's vagina when Sonia herself calls while I'm walking back to the dorm. "All the spongebob episodes on DVD? Hell yeah, mum. And a gift card? Yesss. Thank you, I can't fucking wait." I squeal as she tells me what she emailed me as a gift for my birthday. "Uni's good. Pretty easy so far. Work's fine as well. Yes, I'm saving up pretty well." I answer my mother's curious questions about life and work. "Hopefully by next year I'll be able to rent a place." The bags are becoming heavy, my arms are getting tired. "Yes, mum, of course I did. My roommate's pretty nice. She's a clean freak though, but I'm getting her used to my filth." I joke and hear my mother laughing. "Kay, bye. Love you, Sonia." She says she loves me back and we hang up.

Jeremy calls and says happy birthday to me as well, we talk for a bit then he promises we'll talk via messenger tonight because right now he has things to do. I hang up as I'm close to the dorm and dad calls. I bet mum just called him to remind him it's my birthday. I pick up and we talk.

I toy with the keys on my room's door while holding the mobile phone between my ear and shoulder, as well as trying to manage not to drop any of the bags. "Yes, yes." I say as he rambles on about business, which he will gladly hand a part of it to me when I graduate. I walk inside and put the bags on the floor as we begin to talk about my birthday gift. "Yes dad. Money." I say loudly. "Money, money, moneyyyyy." I can feel my dilated pupils turning green with a dollar sign on each when he says how much money he's going to transfer to my account. "Hell yeah. More money, I fucking love money." I'm jumping in my room and twirling around. He laughs and we say our goodbyes. I sigh in big relief and then get back my senses, my vision, and my consciousness to notice both Emy and Sara are on Sara's bed, staring at me with wide eyes and a face ready to burst in laughter.

"Did you even hear the groan you made when you were chanting for money?" Emy says, a spoon of chicken soup in her hand, where Sara's mouth is trying to catch it but keeps missing.

"Let's pretend you guys didn't see or hear that." I blush as I walk closer to them. I watch Emy feeding Sara and roll my eyes, then I watch the medicine and pills on Sara's bed. But something else catches my eyes, and they widen immediately. "Ha. I knew you were knocked up." I joke taking a hold of the box of the pregnancy test in my hand, even though my heart is racing like a fucking truck is about to hit it.

"That's not for me." She opens her mouth and both Emy and I wrinkle our noses when her funny, squeaky voice fills the room.

"That's for the other Sarah." Emy sighs and I furrow my eyebrow.

"I thought she's..."

"She needs it for some biology project." Emy fills me in and spoon feeds Sara who's cuddling with her green blanket.

"So what's up?" I say, looking at the girlfriend and the cute cub. "I brought fruits and healthy stuff for you, Sar." I smile at her and she smiles back. God, she's so fucking cute, I'm gonna stab Emy in the heart so I can be alone with her. Take a breath Tegan, Emy's good, Emy's nice, Emy's your friend.

"Stomach infection and the flue. Bad mix. And with her weak lungs, not so fun." Emy fills me in and I nod. "They gave her lots of drugs, she'll be sleeping a lot, I guess, and she should drink lots of hot fluids and eat nothing too heavy or oily." Emy gives me these instructions as if I'm going to nurse Sara back to health...Which I probably will. "Happy birthday, by the way." Then Emy smiles sincerely at me and I can't help but calm down and smile back.

"Happy birthday, Tegan. I'm sorry we forgot." Sara's voice is too funny and painful to hear.

"It's okay, I only remembered when my mum called like half an hour ago." I watch as Sara hugs her stomach and pushes Emy and the bowl away, turning her face just like an infant when they're done wanting food. "So guess what I bought." They both look at me. "Mean Girls. It's on DVD. Like hell yeah."

"Yay, we'll see Theresa and her bitches on TV." Oh my god. Sara thinks they're like a real life representation to Regina George and her wannabes? Holy fuck, our minds are alike. "No offence, Em." She says and her girlfriend laughs.

"It's okay, I totally agree with you." Yes, Emy join our side. "Speaking of that, I'll go give Sarah the test and change my clothes, please wait for me."

"I bet that whore Sarah actually wants it for herself and is not telling anyone. Imagine if she turns out to be knocked up? I'll laugh so hard. Okay, that's mean. I'm not mean." Sara says after Emy closes the door.

"Who cleaned the place?" I look around me at the neat room. Clean and tidy and smells good. Even my bed sheets are changed and my clothes aren't in every corner, I know Sara doesn't touch my clothes, or didn't maybe, now she's slept on my bed and besides me, she's not disgusted by them, probably.

"Emy." Sara answers, resting her head on the pillow and letting out a sigh.

"Wife material, huh?" I walk to the DVD player and set it.

"Ya." Sara answers lowly. "But not for me." She continues, and I turn around looking at her. "I'm so scared of letting go. I know there's no future. We're basically only friends now, but I don't wanna be alone." I honestly don't know what to answer her. What's wrong with being alone? It's the best thing, I've been alone my whole life, that's why I'm so independent, and that's why I manage my life so well, but I guess that's not for everyone.

"You're not gonna be alone. If my mum, who's 38, still gets asked out like five times a day, then you won't be alone when you're 24. You're young and beautiful, you'll love again, you said it remember?" I remind her of her own words and she nods, closing her eyes. I turn mine back and start putting the movie on. But I don't play it until Emy's here.

It's weird, but it feels good, and I like it. The position the three of us are in is making me like this place, and really like these people even though I hold tender jealousy of Emy, one I shouldn't even be having since it's that obvious that her and Sara are drifting apart by each kiss she replaces on the older woman's head as it lays on her shoulder. And in my position, on Sara's bed, my head on Emy's lap, I lift my eyes and can see the discomfort they both posses. I can also see Sara's scanning eyes on my head instead of the screen.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sara**

I'm just a simple woman. I've lived a simple life. Too simple to be documented on papers or talked about to someone. Maybe the only light my tales could be given is at tea time with gossiping simple women who have also lived a simple life.

But, I can't say that my life is that simple any longer, neither can I say that I am as simple as I used to be, or that my mind is full of simple rainbow thoughts as it was. No, now, Tegan, whoever that girl is, whichever complexity she holds in her perky personality and vivacious attitude, Tegan has managed to crawl shiftily and slowly inside the simplicity of my sleeping thoughts and desires and awaken each and every yawning urge that I have repressed for too long out of fear of being judged. Now I want to do what I dream of doing. I desire to put my hands on each part of my body while staring at her, staring at me, without the tasteless rosy hue boxing itself behind my cheeks.

Am I embarrassed that I've been so exposed to her in all aspects? Physically? Emotionally? Privately? Yes, I sure am. In fact, I'm dying because of this embarrassment. I know my sickness only increased because of how shameful I feel. But, bitch-face, Tegan Quin, makes me love it. Makes me want it. I want these big gorgeous eyes to scan me, to want me, to want to touch me while they're deprived of having me. I want this feeling, this great feeling, it fills my frowning heart with lazy butterflies. It gives me a shining hope that I am, in fact, wanted. But, but, but...The bad that comes with it all, is that I fucking want bitch-face as well, I can't touch her. I want her so fucking much that wild sex isn't only a fantasy I entertain my brain with at night, no, now it's a quest I must seek and find. Fantasies of strangely sweaty bodies haunt me each moment I look into her eyes and shift back to my girlfriend's eyes.

It's like having the main course when you're too full. It's delicious, you want to try it, but goddamn, the dessert is something so yummy you can't fucking get your tongue to stop watering just thinking about it. Emy's my main course, but Tegan, she's my sweet dessert. I want them both, and I want them together. I don't know how since Emy seems against it, and I don't think Tegan is attracted to Emy. But in this state, their state right now, they seem friendly and good together, good to sleep together with _me_.

But let me halt for a moment. That's not me, that's not Sara Smith. I don't know what's happening to me, but the simplicity is fading, complexity is emerging. I am afraid of my thoughts, they won't stop, they're a bother, they're a turn on even in the worst states, like the one I'm in. My heart is beating too rapidly because of this medicine I just took. I feel dizzy, sweaty, tired, and my tongue is dry. I can't move an arm, or a leg, I can't speak and my eyes are about to close, but what's jumping are both, my clit, and my thoughts. Both aroused to the degree of physical pain. My Lord, I need a help in both cases.

I need to touch her, brush my hand all over her skin. I need to taste her, I've never tasted a human being, but now I have the desire to do so. I don't just want to be inside of her and feel her, no I need to see how everything looks, and I want to taste, to get a glimpse of the heaven I'm sure exists between her two thighs. I can't believe my urges are now taking me to the darkest corners of my mind. Sex was one thing and it was to fulfill the need and that's it, but now I know what was once with Emy was pure honest affection, nothing too wild, too hot, too furious like all my stupid feelings for Tegan. Sure, I loved Emy like a lover once, sex was fun because I got to come and her tongue always knew what it was doing. She loved my techniques when I rolled my hips and pushed inside her, and that made us both happy. But now, now I know it was just a desire, a teenage love, one that is ending, or actually ended. Now it's friendship that we have, with the occasional sex that can relieve both of us for a short time.

Now I wonder, if I opened up more, threw Emy against the wall, fucked her from behind, in the light of the day, touched her the way I want to touch Tegan, let our sweat melt together and enclosed her in the moments of pleasure, would my affection return again? Would a change occur and give our relationship a new chance? I doubt it, but it won't hurt to try, right? I mean, she's right, if I want a threesome, I've got to show the threesome attitude, I've got to let my sexual repression out in the open. I've got to say it, to scream it, to reveal it. Yes, I am the same Sara Smith, still repulsed by everything I touch that isn't on my body, but I would really like to eat cunt, I would really like to have rough sex, I would love a sweaty, yummy threesome. I would love to see a beautiful woman nude in front of me and touch all her parts with her loving it. I would love to be handled roughly as well, I would love to be fucked by a dildo, I would love someone to talk dirty to me, and I really, really, really wanna try some crazy positions. But the thing is, will I do all that? I don't think I can, but it won't hurt to try. God, I wish I wasn't so shy.

"You gonna fall asleep, love?" I squint my eyes at my girlfriend, then I nod. I didn't think the drugs have that strong of an effect, but throughout the film, I have managed to lose all my energy, and when it was done, I did nothing but stay in bed while Tegan and Emy made food and chatted, things I couldn't hear. They were laughing together but I was too tired to focus on their hushed voices.

"Ya." My sick voice is painful to hear, I bet I sound like a dying chicken to them. "I feel drowsy." Tegan and Emy are both staring at me. My head's on the pillow and my brain is about to shut down.

"Alright, we'll leave you to rest. I'd kiss you goodbye but I really don't wanna get the flue. Exams comin' up." Fucker.

"Bye, Sare." Tegan says.

"By bitch-face." I close my eyes, and now...

"What?"

"Shh, she's falling asleep. She mouths weird stuff when she's too tired sometimes, just ignore her."

"Fucker."

"See? Let's go, Tegan."

"Wow, that's fucking weird." Shut the fuck up and let me enter my dream alreadyyy.

I wake up to the sound of fast typing on the keyboard. I open my eyes and I see Tegan at her desk, facing her computer's screen. I stay there for a bit, feeling my fever hugging my body, but also feeling really hot. When I yawn and push my duvet a bit further away from its previous place beneath my chin, Tegan turns around with her cute gummy smile. I give her half an attempt of a smile as I start to get up.

"Dude, you slept so much. It's nine right now, you're gonna have some issues falling asleep again." I sit on my mattress and yawn again, staring at the floor beneath my feet as I try to adjust to the reality of consciousness.

I rub my eyes and look up again at Tegan, now she has her head tilted to the side and her smile is lopsided and somehow dreamy. I look behind me, as I try to figure out what she's smiling at but I only see the bathroom's closed door. "Ya, it's fine. No uni tomorrow, anyway. Plus, I'm so tired, I'll probably fall asleep." Tegan nods and keeps staring at me. "Is there anything wrong?" She wrinkles her brows and straightens her posture, suddenly stiff. "I know I look horrible. I bet you're happy seeing me ugly and horrible." I get up and start walking towards my dresser.

"You don't look horrible nor ugly." She says, but coldly. And as I am fishing for fresh undergarment, I turn around and watch her focusing on the screen again.

"I'm sorry I puked on you. I forgot to say it. I'm really sorry about that." If anybody did that to me, I'll probably never speak to them again, I'd be too repulsed to do that, but I puked on her, how disgusting is that, and she didn't even mention it, she slept beside me, and we almost cuddled and it felt fucking great, she didn't get disgusted.

She lets out a small chuckle, still looking at her screen, without typing. "I've had worse, trust me." I don't know what that means, but I can see she doesn't want to look at me, and I feel bad, and offended.

I don't know what to say anymore. I take my clean clothes and stand at the bathroom's door, still looking at the back of her head while she's not facing me. "I'm going to shower." I announce even though there isn't a need to do that. She nods and I go inside.

I strip myself in front of the exposing mirror, something I'm not used to do, nor comfortable enough in doing. I've stood there in front of it yesterday with a bra and an underwear, I looked at my body, and Tegan looked at it as well. Her eyes seemed to be wandering in awe rather than squinting in disgust. This gave me the confidence to stand here, as I am standing right now, with no clothing to protect my vision, and no barriers between my eyes and every imperfection on my skin.

My breasts which once were caged in the fabric of my bra are now free, hanging above my chest in a sight I've always rejected. A bra did wonders, it pushed them up, it made them seem attractive, it made many eyes fall on the swell that the bra brought attention to. But without that supporting piece of fabric, my breasts seem to sag as if I have breastfed three children in the past ten years. Emy says it's because they're big, which is natural for them to be sucked down by gravity, but Tegan's, they weren't like that. We have exactly the same size, I'm sure of it, but hers seem so perky and so round and beautiful, mine aren't like that. And that's not the only thing about my body that I don't like, it's that stupid belly as well. Emy loves it, she loves kissing it and squeezing it, but that makes me hate it, it makes me feel strange, and I can't get rid of it. I tried working out, I tried everything, I just can't get rid of the extra meat on my body. Not to mention these fucking thighs. I'd love to fucking burn them, they're awful, they're huge. And my hips are wide, and my ass is full of cellulite, my body's ugly, it's fucking ugly. I don't know why I decided to look at myself naked.

I hide away from the mirror because I know my eyes are beginning to water, and I hurry throwing my frame underneath the warmness the showerhead is throwing at my skin. _It all takes confidence_, Emy always told me that. _Confidence is what I lack_, that's how I usually answer her. But if I want to be exposed in front of Tegan, wich strangely enough, I do want to, then I must at least get used to be exposed in front of a mirror, or my girlfriend who has already seen me naked and touched my body in different ways that I refused to touch hers with. The thing that is confusing me and terrifying me the most is that I get a certain excitement that I can't quite define when I'm around Tegan's well-structured, vixen-like face. When she scans my body thinking I'm not noticing, I feel a warm tenderness in my chest. When her eyes roam here and there, I want them to stay focused, I get wet to the feeling, I want her to see more, I want her jaw to drop. But I can't make her jaw drop when I can't see what's there to admire. And the fact that I'm beginning to feel fondness towards her is the biggest problem. What if I end up falling for her? That's not good. She won't ever fall for me, but I know it's easy for me to fall. And she's young as well, she's six years younger, but it seems that she's the one in charge with everything that involves us together.

When I'm in the room again, Tegan is still in her position, she looks back at me as I try to tame my wet hair by tying it. Her lips part in an 'O' shape and I wrinkle my brows for the second time at her facial expression. "You're hot." She answers my thoughts before I voice them. The expression takes me aback, it seems that she's back to her old self, which was gone for about a minute before I entered the bathroom.

I see her licking her lips while making it obvious to know she's checking me out. And I'm like a fucking deprived sex addict, I love it, I start blushing, pooling in my underwear, and walking towards her with a smile. She smiles while sitting, legs apart, eyes focused on my exposed legs, chin in hand, foot tapping the carpeted floor.

I stand in front of her. She's sitting, I'm standing. And in slow motion her two hazels fly up till they reach my breasts, which are, and I'm pretty sure, well hidden by the white tanktop I have. Yes there is some cleavage, and yes the material is tight, but she can't see anything, which is making it more obvious that she's imagining everything. Her eyes pause there. I go closer, and I feel it, it's a special attraction, as if her heart has a magnet, and mine has a magnet, and I'm being pulled to her magnet to stick to her. But does she feel it? It's probably just me, but I do feel it, it'a special attraction, it's bound by nature. Nature controls it, and I could come up with theories and call myself Sigmund Sara...or Sara Freud, but I won't, and I never will come up with the theory of this attraction. It's special, but we're not related, we're not chained together through a womb we have shared, or through a chain of milk that I have fed from. She's not my mother that's for sure, nor my father, and she's not my sister if I'm building on the theory I've been thinking about for the past month. She's nothing to me but a human being whom I don't know.A human being I'm attracted, dangerously, to.

Snap out of it, Sara. Snap out of it and remember the hand that fed you this morning, the woman who loves you and always will, you can't do that to her, you can't cheat on her. I swallow hard, I try to control it, to contain the screaming wild need in me, and I know this will turn it to one thing, one thing I'm ashamed of...anger. "Thanks." I swallow the lump in my throat as our eyes meet.

I don't know what I see in her eyes, it flashes like lightening, but it looks like hesitation, regret, remorse. It goes away as fast as it comes that I think I just imagined it. Suddenly, her screen lights up with a request of a video call. Her whole face lights up as she accepts it without giving my slow mind time to read the name of who's calling. A boy who seems to be her age appears. Face, good looking, magically free of the pimples boys his age usually have. He's smiling as we both appear to him. I don't know if he can see my face or only my body, but suddenly, I remember what I'm wearing, and I attempt to step away from the camera. But of course before I could, bitch-face holds my wrist and keeps me in my place. "Jeremy, this is Sara." She declares as he squints his eyes at us.

"This is the one you haven't stopped talking about?" I immediately see the redness invading her whole face as her friend gets his chance to embarrass her. I blush too, looking at her.

"Guilty as charged." She says, without anymore hints of embarrassment. She says with her confident voice, and her fucking confident everything, I fucking hate it. "Look at her." Her hand moves to the waistband of my pink pajama shorts. "Isn't she worth looking at?" I see them both scanning my body again as I stand there and feel objectified to the degree that I can't take it any longer. I push her just a little bit. "She's a trophy that I can't seem to win." Okay, what the fuck?

"I'm still gay." Jeremy announces and I look at him, then back at her. We're so close and both her hands are on my waist.

"Good." She winks at him. "More for me." I don't like how I'm being treated. She doesn't sound any better than the clan of bitches I hate so much. I'm not some meat, or some shiny car she's talking about. Where's Emy? I need Emy.

I step out of her grip, roughly. I scowl at her, but it doesn't seem that she sees anything wrong in her action, so I decide to clarify. "Don't objectify me."

It surprises her, or actually, shocks her. She looks at me for a second, then back at Jeremy. "I'll talk to you later, Jer. Sorry, I have to go." Before he could even speak, she closes the video call, and in less than a minute her computer is off. I'm still standing there with red anger aiming at her. She looks at me, and I know, and I can feel, where all of this is going.

"I was kidding." Finally, she says.

"Didn't seem like it." I insist.

"You know what?" She rolls her eyes. "You're contributing in this fuckery as much as I am. Don't fucking play the innocent lamb while I'm the vicious tiger trying to pry on you whenever you're not looking." She stands up and starts walking towards me. "No. You want this as much as I fucking do. And don't try to pretend as if you're not seducing me with every fucking move you do."

"Seducing you?" I don't remember I've done anything of that. I don't even know how to do that.

"Yes. Look at you. Look at what you're wearing. You want me to look elsewhere when your boobs are going to fucking rip through your tanktop. You want me not to imagine myself fucking you, when you sway your hips as you walk. You want me to fucking just act normal when you look at me like that."

"What the fuck?" I feel confused, and exposed.

"I have needs you know, and you pressing on them doesn't make it better."

"You're a pig." I say as she calms just a bit down. "You walk half naked in here and I respect your privacy. You pushed your breast in my face and I didn't touch, I didn't call you names, I didn't make excuses to treat you as some cheap meat. While I'm here in my pajamas and you're preaching me about your animalistic needs? You're really no better than Theresa and her clan." I chuckle, her face grows red and hot, mine is as equally enraged. "Actually, you're worse. You're like a man. I should be scared probably. You'll touch me in my sleep then you'll blame it on what I'm wearing and what I'm doing. Isn't that what men do? You're just like them. An animal. A pig. Sex addict, fucking pig. You're disgusting..." I talk and talk without shutting my the box of my words up. I talk without stopping until I'm slapped across the face.

As I let out a scream and blink a few times, I adjust my eyes back at her only to find two pairs of teary eyes ready to shoot their laser at me and kill me with that fury. "Don't you fucking dare compare me to a disgusting man. Don't you dare." She turns around, trying to walk away.

In a moment, just one moment, we're like two animals in a forest, trying to win the battle of who is stronger. I didn't let go like that, I'm not her punching bag, and her attitude says exactly that she's nothing but a disgusting filthy man who hits, objectifies, and finds excuses to sexually harass innocent women. I didn't let her go like that. I jumped at her and I pinned her to the floor. First, I slapped her back as I straddled her, now we're just using our hands to survive. I know my right cheek is bruised by the hits it keeps getting, and I didn't leave her left side untouched as well. It's like we're carving another face of our two faces, and creepily enough, the sides can mesh to make a face, a new face that's not our faces but looks like us. We're that much alike that it's staring to look fuzzy to me, maybe that's why I'm attracted. Maybe it's because she's a reflection of myself, but the stronger one I'd like to see. Maybe she's a witch. Maybe it's meant to be. I don't know what it is, but it makes me angry, and so I punch her chin and she doesn't even take a minute to flinch, she takes my hair and pulls it so hard that my tears climb up to the lids of my eyes. I'm still on top of her, but I know she's in the lead, she's stronger, physically as well as mentally, and I'm just here getting dizzy with everything she's doing. But I don't give up, and I won't give up. I lower my face and do my best trick. I bite the next thing I find, her left cheek. I bite it so hard that I hear her pang and her gasp and I taste the blood that I cause to escape.

But before I could triumph, before I could declare that I have won the war of insanity, I get one of the cruelest, meanest, and harshest punches on my right breast that I wither and fall off her with a shriek so loud I know everyone in this dorm hears it. I place my hand over my most sensitive area and I try to take in the pain, but she doesn't stop, she sees that It's my weakness spot, and she takes the other one and squeeze roughly. "No, no, no." I scream so loud my voice scares her. "Are you fucking insane. Are you fucking insane?" I can't make sense because the pain isn't even tolerable. I can't take it and I feel as if I'm going to faint. I lay on the floor and sob. "You don't punch a woman on her breasts. You should know that." I squeeze the words out.

She retreats and I sob. We stay like that for a while, for a long while. She's crying as well. And it makes me feel better because I thought she's one of those who never cry. I open my eyes each second to find her hugging her knees and sobbing. I never notice how badly I injured her cheek with my teeth until we both calm down after fifteen minutes of constant sobbing. I adjust my eyes on her face, and I know these tears must be stinging the cut I caused. I don't know how she's going to cover it in the morning, but she's going to cuss my ass off while trying to.

"I'm sorry." I whisper really lowly, my voice is strange to me, because I'm not only sick, but also losing breath.

"No, no. I'm sorry." I didn't expect that, and I admit it shocks me. Maybe that's why I'm having an asthma attack right now, maybe that's why I'm going to choke and die right now.

I don't know what happened next, it all happened in a flash. I stopped breathing, I coughed for air, I almost fainted, Tegan ran and shouted, my puffer was in my mouth, I was carried to my bed, and now I'm getting back to reality. I think I fainted just for a bit, I don't know, but I feel like shit, I feel horrible.

"Do you want me to call Emy? Your mum? Are you okay? Should we go to the hospital? The uni's medical section is closer though, why don't I take you? I'll carry you if you can't walk. Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." First she was panicking, then her voice cracked, and when she started apologizing, she returned to crying.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Calm down." I try to sound as convincing as possible, but my shaken voice and groggy timbre doesn't really convince her. She reaches her palm above my forehead and that's what convinces her, she sighs in relief, and my heart smiles when I see the concern I've never thought I'd see there. I smile at her, and without noticing it, I take her hand in my own, I rub my thumb over the softness of skin, and subconsciously kiss it.

I am actually shocked of my own action, probably more than her, but I can't take it back, and when she excuses herself to the bathroom all of a sudden, I can't do anything but wait for her. I'm attracted to her, I'm dragging her, but without noticing, and it's happening against my will. My body is doing all the moving, I'm doing nothing, I'm just listening to my suppressed desires and unleashing them in her presence.

I hear sharp breaths and gasps that the bathroom door doesn't muffle so well. I'm not sure if she's crying, or doing what I'm thinking. I stay in my bed and hug my duvet and I miss her, but I relish hearing the sounds of her heavy breaths. What's so bad about it is that the heavier her breaths are, the wetter I am becoming. I can honestly feel my clit mocking me and my nipples arranging a war against the fabric that's suffocating them.

Tegan stays there for as long as she's heavily breathing, when the breaths die down, I hear the water running, then it stops, and Tegan leaves the bathroom. I turn my head and look back at her. Hooded lids, check. Teary eyes, check. Messy face, check. But was she crying? Oh no, definitely not. She's only in her undergarment, hair so messy, body shaky. We look at each other and her red face increases in redness.

"Te..."

"Can I sleep next to you?" I'm interrupted by her strange request. I furrow my brows and she continues, "I need to sleep next to you. I don't want to sleep alone." I feel her need, even though I don't know where it's coming from, but it's present and it's begging for someone to extinguish it. I'm happy to be that someone.

"Aren't you scared of getting sick?" She's already walking towards my bed when I ask her that. She shakes her head and sits on my mattress. "Were you masturbating in there?" I ask even though I shouldn't have, but I can't control my running thoughts as usual, and they escape against my will. Oddly enough, she nods her head quickly, she doesn't look at me though. She's giving me her back. "Were you masturbating because I made you horny? Were you thinking of me?" She nods again, and this makes me feel so fucking good about myself that I smile so big and thank my lucky stars she's not looking at me. "Isn't your underwear like...soiled?" Again, I'm speaking without thinking of what to get out and what to keep inside.

"It is." She answers quickly. "Do you want me to change it?"

"If you want to."

"What are you more comfortable with?" She asks, and I can feel her coy smile creeping behind her question.

"Mine is soiled as well and I just showered, so it doesn't matter." I tell her the truth in order not to make her feel as if she's alone in this game of exposure.

"Did you masturbate?" She finally turns around and look at me. I shake my head and pull her by the hand closer. She helps herself on my mattress and under my duvet beside me.

"I'm too tired to do that. I don't wanna get an asthma attack." I let out a laugh on my own. "Do you wanna sleep?"

"Talk to you then sleep." She answers.

"Well, get your pillow so I won't end up sleeping on your chest and close the lights." I order her and before my sentence is over she's done all that and is back on my bed. Her feet touching mine and it doesn't make me pull away, feel weird or disgusted, no, no, no, not at all. It makes me feel one thing, one thing only, it makes me feel warm, it makes me feel at home, whatever that thing means...it has to mean this warm feeling her skin is giving to mine. "So, what do you wanna talk about?" I ask again, listening closely to her breathing.

"I'm sorry." She apologizes again.

"You already said that."

"I feel like I should keep saying it." She's nice, she's kind, she's charming. I melt each time she speaks, and that's what makes it harder. "I didn't mean to say what I said. Or to hit you on your chest. Or to hit you in the first place." She continues and I listen. "I don't know why I'm doing that. Do you understand me?"

"I guess." Not really, I don't understand why I'm doing all that as well.

"It makes me angry."

"What makes you angry?" I ask her.

I feel her turning around to face me, but I'm staring at the ceiling because that's the best position for me to breathe well. "You." She answers. "Wait let me explain." She sighs before I get a chance to interject, and I feel her hot breath on my cheek. "When I came here I was instantly attracted to you, like you have this power, this special supernatural power to make me attracted. I wanted to touch you, I still do. You don't let me touch you and I know the reason and I accept it. Then we started getting closer so quickly, you realized I want you and I realized you want me, but we can't do anything about it because I want something and you want the other. Plus, there's Emy, and I don't want to hurt Emy, because I actually like her, and I know you love her and she loves you because it's so fucking obvious. All this makes me angry. So I do what I do, and I can't control it, and you fight back and I love it, but then I hurt you, and you hurt me, and that's not good, nor it is healthy."

"No, it's not." That's the only thing I could say, I don't know what to say more. I don't know what to do. "I'm sorry too."

"About my cheek, or how I feel, or your words?"

"About everything." I whisper to her.

"Sara?" She asks and I hum. "I never had a female friend." She tells me. "And I consider you as my female friend. I like you. I like the way you speak and I like your kind heart." I don't know why this made me giggle, but it did, and so it made her giggle as well. "Do you see me as a friend?"

"Yes." I simply answer.

"So you don't hate me?" Tegan asks. A part of Tegan unravels in front of my closed eyes each night, and a part of me is given to her as well in return. I'm not sure if that's dangerous or good, but I like it. "I mean you're not disgusted of me anymore, right?"

"No I don't hate you." I answer her first question. "I was never disgusted of you, though. You don't disgust me just like Emy doesn't. It's not people who do, it's actions, even my own actions, and it's more of a feeling I can't control. I'm like what if I got a deadly disease out of touching this? Then I start thinking about it and it exhausts my mind and I end up being repulsed."

"Oh." She answers. "Well, some stuff are disgusting." I agree with my silence. "Have you got a female friend besides Emy? Who are your friends? Tell me about you." I don't remember anybody being interested in my whereabouts or personal information other than Emy and my parents, but now Tegan is, and it's making me excited, which is why I'm facing her now.

"Emy is my best friend, I guess." I smile, thinking of what Emy is doing right now. She's probably stressing about tests like usual. "I met her three years ago and she was so shy. So fucking shy, you have no idea. She'd blush because of the smallest things." I giggle, remembering my girlfriend's rosy cheeks everytime I tell her something when we had just met.

"She doesn't seem like that." Tegan says.

"No. She's not anymore. She was just younger. We...were each other's firsts." I bite my lower lip, smiling at the memory of two fools having sex for the first time.

"Makes sense, I suppose. You haven't had any sexual experience before Emy? Like at all? Groping? Dry humping?" Tegan asks. I'm pretty sure I'm blushing, but I'm thankful I can't feel it nor see it.

"Well..." I don't know how to begin my story, but I clear my throat and decide I should start from _five_. "When I was five..."

"Dude, five all at once? Chill." Tegan interrupts me and I laugh.

"No, I didn't mean I had sexual experiences or whatever at five. You chill." I say and she laughs. "Okay, so I was five and I really liked my neighbor. I used to bite her a lot. Like I used to bite her arm until she cries. I don't know why I did it, but I think I was a fucked up sick kid according to my psychology books. I think I had some hidden sexual desire or something...Alright that went bad."

"Sara, oh my god." She's laughing at my bad choice of words, at my failed attempt to make a story properly told. "So that's why you bit me?" Her voice suddenly full of rasp.

"Shut up." I whine when I say it, she giggles. "I'm weird, I know. Christina was also my friend."

"What happened?" Tegan asks.

"Oh, she moved away." I sigh and pause, suddenly forgetting what I was going to say. But then Tegan's foot, playfully, rubs against my own and I snap out of it. "Oh ya, and then Rob moved in the house next to ours and he became my best friend since then."

"So you have your own version of Jeremy?"

"Rob is straight and he was in love with me all through our teenage years." I think I'm beginning to get sleepy again, but I feel like we do need this talk. We do need to get to know each other more. We need to be introduced to one another properly.

"Did you make out with him? He's the one who you let touch your boobs?" Tegan's crude mouth begins its hunt for any sexual information as usual.

"No. I was always into girls. I've never kissed a boy at all. My first kiss was when I was eleven with a friend. She's the one who I also made out with at fourteen and let her fondle my boobs and she let me fondle hers at fifteen. But then we broke up." Camellia was a nice girlfriend to me. We were both equally shy. We were both ready to take it slowly, but then she wanted what I was too uncomfortable to provide and so we ended it. It was simple, it broke my heart, but I got over it and I dated Riley. She was a cute tomboy and liked my long _witch-like_ hair, according to her. Then we broke up because of the same reason. I was just not ready, they didn't push me, they understood, but they couldn't stay. Then I dated Emma and we had a fun time together, then we had to go to college, so we broke up. Then I dated Theresa, she broke my heart the most. She made fun of me, she mocked me for not wanting to be sexually involved with her, and she almost made some men take advantage of me. So that's why I really hate her.

Then Emy came, and I liked Emy so much and really wanted to be with her. Everything with her was natural to me. I asked her out one day and my heart leapt when she agreed. I was scared it's going to ruin our friendship, but I think we have that special bond not to let things get between us even now with our love ending. Sex with Emy just felt right, it came naturally as well. I was ready, physically, and emotionally, and she was ready, so it was the right time and she was the right person. But now things have changed, and the change is causing me this heartbreak and headache all at the same time. Now there's Tegan, and I don't know what to categorize her with. I want to give her what I gave Emy, but at the same time I'm not fully ready to do that. Plus, I don't see a future because of her own struggle as well, so I don't want to break what I have with Emy for temporary pleasure that will end in me falling for the wrong person and crying.

"How come you took a long time till you had sex?" Tegan interrupts my thoughts with her expected question.

"I wasn't ready." I give her a simple and a short answer. "With Emy I was." I give her more because I feel like she deserves to know.

"I respect you for that." She says and I do smile, but it also confuses me just a tad.

"I wanna ask you a question." She doesn't say anything, so I ask. "Am I attractive? Like is my body attractive?" She laughs, no, no, she snorts, like the pigish type of way, so I kick her foot. "I'm serious, be honest."

"Are you fucking serious?" She's laughing again, louder this time. I reach for her arm and squeeze. "Oww, you pinch and bite?"

"Come on, tell me."

"Sara!" She says it in confusion. "I was just fucking myself imagining you naked. There, do you want it like that?" I moan, against my will, and so we both stay silent. "You're attractive. You have a really good body." She assures me again.

"I don't see it." I let my insecurities out. "When I was taking a shower, I saw myself naked in the mirror and I almost cried. It's like I have a granny body. Full of stretch marks and cellulite."

"I have those as well." She says, a bit defensively. "That doesn't mean I have a bad body. That just means I'm a human being. A woman. It's normal." Her defensive tone is rising, and I can't help but feel that I have offended her body instead of mine.

"I wish I was that confident. The sole reason of Emy and I not having a proper sex life is because of my self-consciousness. I feel like if I let her see my body fully in clear light, she won't love having sex with me."

"There's a lot you need to know and learn." She kind of cuts me off. I stay silent. "To enjoy sex you have to love your body and appreciate what it can do."

"That's not necessary, I've enjoyed sex before." I fight back, the way I always do with Tegan. The way I always do when I feel like I'm threatened to be wronged.

"You just said you don't let her see your body fully. Like what do you guys exactly do? Barely anything that's fun, I bet. I know you love each other and apparently that's enough for you, but have you ever tried just memorizing every detail on the female body? Have you ever just looked at yours with appreciation and touched yourself in front of the mirror? No you haven't, but let me tell you, that's even hotter than porn itself."

"You're turned on by your own self?" I'm wrinkling my nose, imagining her doing what she has just said. I'm getting even more turned on, but I fail to see how it will turn me on to do the same.

"Well, not technically, but you get it right?" No, I don't. "Watching someone doing something to the body of the female. I know you'll attack me and call it objectifying and what's not, but that turns me on." I don't say anything, and I think she wants a response, but I don't know what to say. "All I'm saying is, if you want to be confident or experience more things with Emy, just start slowly, baby steps are good. Begin with what's comfortable and keep pushing, soon you'll find yourself glowing with sexual needs that you're not ashamed to apply."

"I'd like to talk to you more and more about sex but I think that I'll fall asleep at any second." And I think my clit is going to burst and I'm going to come just hearing Tegan's sleepy timbre whispering sexual words in my ears, there's only so much I can take before I give in and touch her where I want.

"I'm sorry, I forgot you're tired. We should sleep, I'm sleepy as well. Emy said she's coming early to check on you. Should I get back to my bed before she comes? We can't tell her about this, right?" I haven't thought about Emy, or this, whatever this is, but now my mind is suddenly alert once again.

"I'll handle it." I say, but that doesn't give a clear answer. "I'm not cheating. We're not touching. As long as we're not touching, it's not cheating." Even though I know I'm cheating myself, because emotional cheating is as well cheating, but how can I control my damn heart or vagina for wanting what it wants?

I start to gain consciousness when I hear the knocking on the door. I wake up fully when I hear the familiar voice of my girlfriend and the one I'm becoming used to of my...roommate. I open my eyes, and the first thing I notice is Tegan standing still in her undergarment and her bed hair and Emy facing her with a wide smile. Then I look beside me and notice that Tegan has moved her pillow and messed up her bed before letting Emy in. Or perhaps she could have returned to her bed at night. I swallow and feel the burn in my throat, this makes me groan, and so the two women look at me.

"Morning, Sare." Emy smiles and I smile back. "Brought tea." She walks to me and hands me my cup. I look at Tegan and she's already hugging her own with both hands. Emy also has one for her person. "How are you feeling?"

"Like shit." I rub my eyes and take a sip. "I'm not getting better, Emyyy."

"Back to the whining?" Emy sighs. "I can't do anything about it. Just put up with it, it will go." She moves her palm and rests it above my forehead. "I'll make you breakfast, you need to eat well before you take your medicine." My eyes shift towards Tegan. She's staring at us and drinking her tea. Emy notices and looks back at her. "Do you always sleep like that in front of my girlfriend?" Emy is checking Tegan out, so explicitly, and in front of _me_.

"She doesn't mind." Tegan, despite blushing, shrugs, and winks at_ my_ girlfriend.

"Hey, you two." I say with a scowl, but it seems that none of them is hearing me.

"Of course she doesn't mind. Why would she?" Okay, is Emy licking her lips? Oh yes definitely doing that. Tegan is now on my bed, smirking with all her mighty wickedness to my girlfriend. "Is that a piercing? Holy shit. Your nipples are pierced?" My eyes go wide and I take a sip after another even though my bladder is threatening to explode. I can't stop staring at both of them, or my girlfriend getting turned on staring at Tegan's breasts, nor can I stop getting turned on to the fact it's turning her on, and probably turning Tegan on. I don't know how, but that threesome must happen.

"Ya, wanna touch?" What? That evil bitch-faced ass. No.

"No." I interject.

"Yes." Emy says, already reaching her palm to cup Tegan's breast in front of my jealous eyes. Tegan is looking at me, smirking as evilly as she can. I'm looking at her with a scowl, but then I jump when I feel a hand cupping my own breast. I look down and watch my girlfriend cupping both our breasts. "You guys have the same boobs, except Tegan's nipple is pierced." Emy declares and we're both just staring at her. "What?"

"I can't believe you just said that." I say and feel a slight squeeze on my breast before she lets go of both of our breasts.

"What? What's so wrong about that? It doesn't need a scientist to see you guys have exactly the same body structure." Emy keeps making it worse, I don't know how, but she's making it awkward and I can feel Tegan getting so uncomfortable. Emy leans in and I find her hot breath on my earlobe. "No wonder you want that threesome. I'm actually thinking about it." I gulp, she does the same and I can feel it. Her palm brushes my thigh slightly and I shiver, twitch, and blush.

"So I'm going to ignore whatever just happened in here, or what's happening in here. I'll go shower, and you two...just take care of whatever you're...I don't know, just relieve your need." Tegan waves us off. If I didn't know better I'd say she doesn't care if I just fucked Emy right here while she's in the shower, but it's obvious that it's making her as angry as she was last night, which is why she made an excuse of showering, which will probably end up in her relieving her own desire.

"Alright, chipmunk, spell it out." Not with the stupid nickname again. I roll my eyes. "Sorry, I forgot. It's a cute nickname." She shows me her teeth and gums while smiling, thinking I'll forgive her with that. Well, I already did.

"Do you like it if I called you squirrel?" I take another sip. The hot drink easing both my throat and my aching tummy, but it's making me want to pee badly.

"You used to call me monkey." She frowns and glares, which makes me laugh. "Which is why I started calling you chipmunk, remember?" I do, but I won't admit it. "Anyway, just tell me."

"Tell you what?" I tilt my head to the side and yawn.

"One day, Sara Smith, while very, very, very drunk has bitten my neck and my upper arm while mouthing really, really, really naughty stuff in my ear. And we weren't dating. The bite stayed for two weeks. This morning, I find the same shape of teeth on her poor roommate's cheek. Care enough to explain?" Busted? Yes, definitely busted. Okay, Sara think of an excuse, what to say? What to say? Why am I scared? I should just tell her the truth, I did nothing. "Not to mention your bruised arm?" She lifts my arm, the one I forgot about, and the giant bruises from Tegan are still there. "What's going on? Please tell me. I won't be mad. I swear. Are you sleeping with her?"

"No." I shout immediately, causing her to almost spill her tea. "Hell no. I'm not cheating on you, Em. I swear I'm not." She nods.

"Remember when we promised to tell each other everything? Like every little thing?" We did, but some things are better left unsaid. I nod, however. "Okay, then tell me, please." I sigh. Is there any possibility of me getting away?

"We've been physically fighting." She nods as if it's no news. I assume she wants reasons. "I don't know why. It just happens. We get angry at each other. Like yesterday it all happened at once. I called her a pig and compared her to a man because..." She raises her brows, waiting for me to continue. "She flirts with me...Naughtily" Emy chuckles, and I feel bad because I'm basically putting all the blame on Tegan. "So she slapped me for doing that. And I slapped her back and we started hitting each other. So I bit her cheek and she punched my boob. Then we apologized to each other." And the rest is better left unsaid.

"You two like each other." Or said by Emy. Is it that obvious? "You like her, don't you?" If I say yes, I'm basically hurting Emy, or breaking up with her, I don't want that to happen. If I say no, I'm basically lying, and she can see it.

"More like sexually attracted to her." I admit the thin truth, the real, visible truth.

"I wouldn't blame you. We haven't had proper sex since ever." She shrugs. "Do you want us to break up?" Even though she asks, I can hear her heart screaming no. I also hear my mind screaming no.

"No." So I listen to her heart and my mind and sigh. "I don't want that. I need to give us a chance. Do you want to give us a chance?"

Her hand finds mine and she squeezes it. "I always want that." She whispers and leans in, before I could protest, she kisses my lips gently.

"Aren't you scared of getting sick?" I ask.

"Not anymore. I feel so attracted to you now you said the truth." Her cheeks begin to redden, and mine join her as well.

We're interrupted by Tegan leaving the bathroom, fully dressed and smells amazing. Despite her hair being wet, she wears her socks and her converse without saying a single word, and leaves. Emy looks at me and I'm not sure what to say.

"I'll make you breakfast." Emy sighs and we decide not to speak about Tegan and what has just happened.

Two hours pass, three hours go by, and Tegan doesn't come back. It's Sunday and Tegan doesn't have to work. Emy does her homework near to me and I watch a bit TV and try to waste time on my own homework. But of course I'm only thinking about everything that's not my homework. I think about everything that Tegan has said. I think of giving Emy chances and giving myself chances. I look at her and she's so occupied while I'm so bored. I look at the clock and wonder where Tegan is and how long she'll be gone.

"Let's have sex." I pronounce my thoughts before balancing them in my head. She looks at me and my eyes are wide, thinking of what has just come out of my mouth. "Ummm."

"Ya, let's have sex." She says it louder than me. Her books, mine, and everything on my bed is thrown on the floor.

"Emy, no." I say, looking at the mess.

"I'm the one who has been tidying this room, I make the rules." She smirks and is already crawling towards my body. But I don't let her make the rules. I barely let her do that when we're having sex anyway. "Get under the duvet." She whispers as we start getting ready for our ritual.

"No." She looks up at me. "Sit on my lap." I take a breath. "Don't take off your clothes." I help her body and position it on my weak thighs. I close my eyes and take a breath.

Here's what happened. We had sex. Emy is shocked. I am shocked. She sat on my lap and put my hands inside her pants and underwear. We made out while I made her come. Then it was my turn, and that was the hard part because I don't think she's ever seen me come in daylight. But I listened to Tegan's advice and let it happen. She did the same to me, except I wasn't on her lap. She kept staring at my face the whole time she was doing it. She was surprised I was wet and moaning. I was surprised as well. And I came in the right time, and it felt so good. So we had sex, and it wasn't the wild fun Tegan probably has, but I came, and that's more than enough. Plus, it's something new.

"Wow." Emy sighs. "You actually came. Now I don't have to worry your vagina isn't working properly."

"Emy!" I slap her arm while she's sleeping next to me. "Don't say these words." She rolls her eyes in a sportive way and leans in closer to my body. "Wait, don't touch me at all, we have to wash our hands." I don't look at her when I'm saying that. We barely speak about these things facing each other and the sun is shining. I'm super shy, and letting it all go at once is just too much.

"That's your come on my fingers." She moves her damp digits in front of my eyes. "You're so weird. Like I'm sure you finger yourself, why would you even be scared of your own fluids?" Before I could blink or comprehend what's going on, damned Emy takes her digits and puts them in her mouth. Sexually, and with a wink, she licks them clean.

"Oh my god." She laughs at me. "I'm not doing that to my fingers."

"I figured." She sighs and gets up. "Relax. You're all sexual and horny one second then shy and weirded out by everything the other. Doesn't make sense sometimes. But it's cute." She says as she walks to the bathroom and washes her hands. I follow and do the same.

Tegan returns after a bit. Too busy counting dollars to say hi to us. I think her only soulmate is money even though she mocks me for being_ daddy's girl_. If we're being honest here, she's the only daddy's girl. I've never been given that much money in my own hands my whole life.

"I'm rich. Bless the gay gods." She lifts her money as if she's Rafiki lifting Simba.

"What are you gonna do with all this money?" Emy asks, gathering our books and putting them on my bed again.

"I wanna throw them on you while you do some stripping right now." She's scaring the shit out of my baby.

"Tegan." I scold and she cackles. This woman is so weird. She was eerily angry when she left and now she's flirting with my girlfriend...and not me.

"Okay, I wanna rent an apartment." She gives my girlfriend the real reason while rolling her eyes at me.

"I liked the first option." Emy says, sensually, and I raise my eyebrows, standing with hands on my hips while my girlfriend sways her hips right in front of my mortal enemy. I think I growled or did some weird sound when they both look at me. Malicious Tegan smirks and starts throwing her money at my girlfriend who is twirling stupidly around. They're both laughing, and I'm the only one scowling. I have to admit, it's funny and adorable and I like their friendship, but I'm jealous, of both. Jealous that Emy and Tegan can be so friendly together without the constant sexual tension that we're sharing, and jealous that Tegan is looking at Emy the way only I should be looking at her. One part of me is telling me to join their foolishness, one part is telling me to pull Emy away, and actually take her place and do it well, with seduction and real dancing, while Tegan throws her money at me. The other part is telling me to take my girlfriend away and ban Tegan from staring at her the way she's doing right now. The fourth part is torn between throwing both of them on the floor and fucking them both right now, and between standing still and seeing this as just a friendly thing friends do and I shouldn't be too worried or tensed about it. But what do I do? Nothing, I just stand there and stare at them all day. I smile at certain times when something stupid happens, and scowl at the other when I feel that Tegan is crossing the line. I'm not sure now if she's trying to make me jealous, or this is the usual sexual Tegan who's attracted to every hot girl she sees, and I can admit that my girlfriend is as hot as it can be.

I feel confused and torn, that's what I feel. The sex with Emy was refreshing, but the feelings are just not there. Yet I love her dearly, but I can't decipher this love. Is it just genuine love for a human being, or the real desire-filled love like the one I experienced before? All I know is that whatever I used to feel for Emy at the beginning of our relationship is now directed to Tegan, except with Tegan, comes anger and confusion that I can't as well find a reason for. If it's going to stay like that, I'm probably going to lose my mind.


	6. Chapter 6

**Tegan**

Mondays are already the truthful representation of what hell must be like. I'm pretty sure they are the days Satan celebrates his powerful control over the human kind. Each Monday, Satan sits with his nymphs, they gulp the mead, and talk about their next victim. Guess what? I am the next victim...probably.

Not only it's the worst day of the week, but I haven't gotten a single hour of sleep last night because of Satan...I mean Sara. I'm pretty sure Satan is doing this, he's making me the rag that her majesty uses to wipe the floor with. I don't know what she's doing, but she's doing it well and I'm falling. I'm worshiping her. I'm under her mercy. I'm there for her even though I don't want to. Is it because I slept with so much women? Is this punishment for the many hearts I have broken? It better not be, because I don't think I can live with this. No, I don't think I can.

Here's what happened. She was tired. Poor, little baby, how could I let her be tired and not do a thing about it? I mean, I admit it, Emy and I messed the shit out of the the room, and we got her pissed at the end. But she was too dizzy and angry, and over drugged to clean, so who would volunteer cleaning after Emy had left? Of course no one other than Tegan Stupid Quin. Who else? Why did I do that? I don't know. She seemed so cute, I couldn't let her be adorable and cute and not do what her mind was telling my mind to do.

That's not all. Then, she was working on some stupid report, and she was whining about not being able to finish it because she was going to fall asleep at any second. I asked her how much left and she said only editing is required. So Tegan, in her mind, she was like, oh well, easy peasy lemon squeezy, I'll do it. And again, Tegan Dumb Quin was the martyr of Sara's bullshit.

So Sara slept like a little baby and I stayed up all night trying to understand what the fuck she had written. I discovered many things, one of them is that psychology is hard as fuck. The second one, my roommate has an eerie infatuation with incest. The third one, she has the most complex mind I have ever encountered, and I don't think I'll ever understand what does happen inside there. I couldn't understand what she was speaking of. All I knew it was some weird theory about attraction between siblings and she was trying to prove it with literature. I didn't know what to edit and what not to edit. No grammar mistakes or even spelling errors were evident in her report. I simply put myself in a tangled situation last night.

I also couldn't sleep without editing whatever she wanted to edit, I'd have felt guilty because I have promised her that I would edit. So my only option was to contact the one person I know majored in Psychology, known as my mother.

At 12 AM. my mother was still online, most probably chatting with some new dude she just met or something. So I contacted her.

**Tegan**: _I need help :(_

**Sonia**: _No, I'm not going to convince Stephen to send more money!_

**Tegan**:_ Not with that -_-_

**Sonia**: _Who did you knock up ;)_

**Tegan**: _Ha ha, so funny..._

_Seriously, though...Remember my roommate?_

**Sonia**: _The hot one who reminds you of me? _

**Tegan**: _Did it sound that wrong when I said it? Anyway, yes her. Look, so she majors in Psychology, and like she's sick and all and she fell asleep without putting the last touches on her report. I promised I'd edit it but I don't get anything. Can you help me?_

**Sonia**: _Helping someone that is not you? Shock! Tegan Rain Quin, have thou fallen into the pits of love? _

**Tegan**: _No, what the fuck? No, I haven't. She's just nice and we're good friends. She cleans the room everyday, okay?_

**Sonia**: _Alright ;) Email it to me and I'll take a look at it. _

**Tegan**:_ K._

So I emailed my mother Sara's report and waited. An hour, two, three, and there was no response back from my mother. I ate, ate, ate, and watched cartoons, then ate, tried to be quiet while fighting with the dudes of GTA on Sara's PlayStation, and mother did not respond. I even, creepily, watched Sara sleep, her little mouth was a bit opened, and she snores just a tad. Funny, one of her conditions to stay in this dorm room is me not snoring. Finally, at four in the morning, my selfish mother returned.

**Sonia**:_ Oh, Tegan, sorry I forgot about the email._

**Tegan**: _You've got to be fucking kidding me!_

**Sonia**: _I was talking to someone earlier. I took a look at it, don't worry. Are you still awake, waiting?_

This pissed me off so fucking much. It's always about her and her boyfriends, it's never about me or what I want, and then she says I'm the selfish one. Well, look who caught the bad gene?

**Tegan**: _Yes!_

**Sonia**: _Are you mad? Don't be mad. I honestly didn't think you'll stay awake, you never care about anyone too much to stay awake for them._

I didn't respond after that. I did not only feel offended, but at the same time, I knew she was kind of right. I never really cared about anybody too much to stay awake for them, not even for my mother and she's the most person I do care about. I never wanted to help a girl that much. I never liked somebody that much to help them in the first place. I don't know what's happening to me, but I can't face it and I don't know what it is.

**Sonia**: _Your roommate is something._

**Tegan**: _What do you mean?_

**Sonia**: _This report, it's something! I mean, she's really smart. She's building on Freud's and Lacan's theories of incest. _

**Tegan**: _Who are these?_

**Sonia**: _Theorists. She took the Oedipus Complex and Electra Complex to a whole new level, but this will surely make her fail._

**Tegan**: _I'm lost...But why will it make her fail if it is smart? She thinks she's stupid._

**Sonia**: _She's building theories on her own, proving them with literature. Psychology professors don't like that, they like the basic knowledge they give their students. Anything out of the ordinary is shunned._

**Tegan**: _Mhm. So are you saying my roommate is some theorist? Anyway, what did she mean by editting? Did you do it?_

**Sonia**: _I think she only meant revising. Just tell her she won't get a good mark with this. Tegan, is your roommate adopted? _

**Tegan**: _As far as I know, nope. Why?_

**Sonia**: _Just seems like it from the way she's written about the theory not being applied if the infant is adopted, which is what happened in Oedipus Rex. How the person, if adopted, they are instantly attracted to their mother, father, or even sibling._

**Tegan**:_ Eww._

**Sonia**: _These are known theories, just so you know._

**Tegan**: _Still, eww!_

**Sonia**:_ Between you and I, do you like her?_

**Tegan**:_ I told you, I do. She's my friend. And mum, she has a name. Sara Smith!_

**Sonia**: _What does she look like? Do you have a picture?_

**Tegan**: _Brown hair, same colour as mine, same style as yours. Hazel eyes, same colour as mine. Same skin tone as mine. Soft, really cute voice. As tall as I am, maybe an inch shorter. Annoying as fuck sometimes. Has terrible OCD. She's random, and self-deprecating. She has a dirty mouth but is so fucking shy at the same time, I don't even know how that's possible. She's six years older than me and fails a lot, she thinks she's stupid, but apparently she's not. She has a girlfriend._

_Oh, and I don't have a picture._

**Sonia**: _I asked you what does she look like, not tell me everything about her...You like herrrrr ;) :)_

**Tegan**: _Fuck off._

**Sonia**: _I'm your mum, hey..._

**Tegan**: _Sorry. Good night. Thanks. Did you email it back?_

**Sonia**: _I did. Goodnight xo_

And that's how my mother ended up being another reason why it's seven and I haven't closed an eye. I couldn't stop thinking about her words. I couldn't stop thinking about what she said. Do I have to deny it? Or I can just admit it? I like her. Yes, I like Sara. I have a fucking crush on Sara. That probably explains everything, right? I mean, I'm confused, I've never liked anybody. I've never thought of anybody like that, like the way I think of Sara. That's what it feels like to like someone? I don't like it...Actually, I do. But what do I do now? Yes, I like her, but what do I do now? I don't know.

Sara's alarm is now ringing, interrupting my thoughts about her. I remove my blanket away from my head and I look at her as she starts to wake up. She wakes up the way a kid does, or maybe all of us wake up that way, but hers is just extra cute. She shifts in bed as her eyes begin to flutter. Then her fist moves to rub her eyes, then she sneezes, then she rubs both her eyes and groans. This same ritual happens everyday. Now her hand is reaching for the alarm to put it on snooze. There, she reached for it, a sigh is out of her lips. Now her eyes are opening, and the first person she sees is me, looking at her. She jumps, blinks, then smiles.

"Morning." She whispers and smiles wider.

"Sup." I say, yawning as she yawns. I shift on the side and look at her.

"I dreamed about you." She says while she sits up, grinning. I sit up as well, even though my dizziness is killing the shit out of me and I'm about to collapse.

"Really? What was I doing?" I ask her. She stretches and yawns again.

"I don't remember much." Lies. I can see them. "We were in a kitchen?" Yes we were. "In a house. A big house."

"What were we doing?" I wiggle my eyebrows at her, she rolls her eyes at me.

"We were talking. Just talking."

"About what?" I tease, getting up. I should just sit down and skip, fuck.

"I don't remember." She whispers, getting up. I sit down and make myself fall on the mattress. "Are you okay?" I nod.

"I'm just so tired." It's okay to skip, right? I need the sleep. "I didn't get your report so I contacted my mum, and she explained it to me."

"Oh." That's the only thing she says. I look at her and I notice she's looking through her dresser. "What did she say?" She asks again. Apparently, Sara is torn between choosing a light blue bra or a purple and black polka-dotted one.

"That you're smart but you're gonna get a really bad mark because this is like I don't know, controversial?" Sara chuckles, she decided to go with a white lacy bra instead. I really like this bra. I wonder how her tits will look in them. Fuck, man.

"I've been told." Sara turns to me, smiling. "Thanks for wasting your time on it."

"Oh, no problem." I sit up once again. "But like, are you into incest?" Sara purses her lips, I look at her. "Are you like in love with your sister?" I ask again and she furrows her brows.

"No." She laughs. "It's just, I believe that there's this special attraction between siblings who don't know that they're siblings, just like how Oedipus was into his mum and he didn't know she was his mum. Like in _Moll Flanders_, she loves and marries her brother and he lover her back. She has two children from him and the third is on the way when she discovers he's her brother. Not only that, like there's this book called _The Hotel New Hampshire_, even though they know they're siblings, they love each other, that type of love. I believe nobody can understand you better than your sibling. If I had one, I'd probably love them so much, maybe not that type of love, but you know, I'd trust them with my life." I have never felt more lost than ever. This is the _Sara Complex_, one I'm drowning to understand it.

"You have a sibling, though. A sister?" I raise one eyebrow, suddenly remembering when my mother asked me whether she's adopted or not.

"Oh...I said if I had? Sorry, just not focusing. I mean she's young. I meant someone close to my age." Oh, I guess that makes sense. "So I'll go shower." She declares like she's been doing a lot lately whenever she has to go to the bathroom. It's like she's trying to send me some subliminal message or is asking me to join her. Oh, maybe she's asking me to join her.

"You want me to join you?" I smile widely, ready for her to blush and stay silent so I can follow and we can fuck.

"Excuse me?" She squints her eyes at me. She's going in, there's still no answer so I get up, and...rude...very, very fucking rude. She slammed the door in my face. Now she's locking it. She could have just said no.

I almost fell asleep, but she left the bathroom and kept making noises. Now she's making breakfast while whining about how late I am going to be. It's like having another mother sometimes, or a whiny girlfriend. "I'm not fucking going, stop nagging." I groan and bury my head in my pillow.

"Why?" She asks quickly. "Are you okay? Are you sick? Did you catch the flue from me?" She's showering me with concerned questions. Now she's staring down at me. Sweet baby Jesus, she's a fucking beauty, she's so beautiful, her eyes are so beautiful, her confused worried face is so beautiful.

"I might be catching some flue, ya." The Sara flue, probably. I'm sick with the Sara syndrome. "You might want to make it better and kiss me, prince charming." What the fuck? Prince charming? Why did my voice even come out so fucking tender and sweet? That's not me. No, no.

She's blushing, I made her blush.

"Maybe one day." She winks and she walks away. One day, one day she's going to kiss me. She winked. That used to be my job. What is she planning in that mind of hers? Wait, which day? Is it soon? No, Sara, don't leave me. Is that like a metaphor? Or is she shutting me up? I need to kiss her. I need a kiss. I want it.

"What the fuck?" She looks at me while setting our cereal bowls on the coffee table. I squint my eyes in confusion and she giggles. "You just made the weirdest sound ever. Like a squeal slash groan slash moan slash scream." Did I? Do I do that often? I don't remember I did that. She giggles again. "Leave whatever struggle in your mind and come eat. _That's So Raven_ is on." Oh hell yeah.

**...**

I hear banging, lots of banging on the door. Fuck off. Who is that? I wanna sleep. More banging. "Tegan." Yelling. "Open the door." Whining. What an annoying voice. "Fucking Tegan. Wake up you idiot, you have to get to work." Wait, work? That's Emy. Oh my god. Work. I forgot. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I get out of bed like a drugged lunatic, rushing out to the door with my blanket half-wrapped around me. I unlock it, Emy enters, and I end up being pushed to the ground. "Oww." I don't even put any effort to stand or to open my eyes. I like where I am, I love the floor, I shall continue my sleep.

"Shit." Emy is laughing so hard at me and I don't blame her, I probably look like a clown. "Get up." She holds my hand and tries to pull me up. "Sara told me to wake you up so you can go to work." Oh, right, I told Sara to wake me up to go to work. How much did I sleep exactly? Emy puts both hands under my arms and pulls me up. "Gross. You're so sweaty."

"I was asleep." I rub both my eyes as I try to adjust to the surrounding. She walks to the bathroom to wash her hands and I follow. I yawn while standing at the door. "What time is it?"

"Very late." She sighs and leaves the bathroom. "Shower quickly, you need to get going."

"Do I have to shower?" I moan while pushing my face against the wall. I haven't been getting any good sleep since ever Sara has entered my tiny brain cells and planted whatever evil spell she did in them. I think of her all night and all day. The worst part is that, and I'm even ashamed to admit it to myself, yesterday I have started this plot about us in my head. Like I'm writing a fiction about us in my fucking head, and that's the only thing that makes me doze off. But then I get to the sex part, and well, ya, I'm too worked up to sleep anymore. Now if I just fuck Sara, I'd stop craving her, I'd stop wanting her, I'd stop writing our plot together, I'll just basically forget about her like I've done to every other girl. But the fact she's making it too hard to do her is what's pulling me towards her. Why wasn't she just a cheap bitch I could fuck and get it over with? Why does she have to tease and be cute and be fucking hot and be classy and be in a relationship and have self-control all at once? Goddamn it.

"Unless you want Sara to smell you when you're back..." Before Emy even finishes her threat, I am already fishing for fresh undergarment and my uniform to go shower. I don't want to repeat another yelling fist like the one I had about ten days ago. I was back from work and I smelled like rotten onion, but I was too lazy to shower and too exhausted. Sara of course was able to tell by my repulsive smell. She told me to shower and I just lazed around, she told me again and I didn't hear her, she started yelling and I rolled my eyes. All of a sudden, I ended up being dragged to the bathroom, literally dragged by my collars to the bathroom. So I showered, but the shitty thing was, when I got out, she gave me this whole lecture about personal hygiene and that shit. Yelling was involved. The whole dorm heard it.

I leave Emy in the room and go to the bathroom. I get rid of my tanktop and my pajama pants after. My bra and boyshorts follow. I look in the mirror at myself, I yawn, then I rub my eyes. I look at my naked form and smirk to myself. I'm so damn attractive, like how can Sara not even want to touch this? How can she not want to knead my breasts or push her face in my cunt? What kind of self control does she own? Why can't I just have it?

Can I masturbate or is it too late? Probably too late.

I hop in the shower and hum as the water keeps cascading down my shoulders and runs through the curves of my body, through the valley between my breasts and above the heavy mounds, it continues to run above my stomach and down my legs and thighs. I quickly do what I do each day. I wash my hair with my shampoo and then add conditioner, then my skin with a washcloth, then I brush my hair and clean my piercings while using the sea salt I was told to use. I put up with the burn as I clean them then I close the faucet and get out of the shower. I wrap a towel around my body and start picking up the stray hairs which fell down. Then I stand in front of the mirror again and use Sara's blowdryer to dry my hair. I mess up with Sara's lotions like I usually do and put from each all over my skin. I'm pretty sure she knows that I use them by now, but I guess she doesn't mind since she has never mentioned it. I brush my teeth and I pluck the hair that's growing beneath the thin line that I have structured for my eyebrows. Then I pluck the few hairs that are making themselves visible above my lips and grab my deodorant and apply under my arms. I grab my mascara and apply some to look less sleepy. Then I grab my hair straightener and quickly straighten my hair and my bangs. I get dressed, spray a bit of a perfume and leave the bathroom.

Emy jumps and hides whatever was in her hands behind her back. I didn't even know she's still here. I squint my eyes at her and walk towards her. "What are you still doing here?" Scarlet redness is tickling her entire face. I look at her opened backpack and try to look at what's behind her. "What are you hiding?" I ask, more sternly. I try to shift my gaze to what's around me while still focusing on her. I notice from the corner of my eyes that the closet Sara and I share is half opened. "Were you spying on your girlfriend?" My hands are on my hips, I'm about to crack her, she can't even reply back, she's nothing like Sara. Sara, even though naive, still enters your mind with sly actions or some witty words that come out of her without much consciousness, but Emy is too weak for me, she's collapsing under my gaze, her big blue eyes are watering.

"I wasn't. It's personal." She says, closing her eyes, huffing, then opening them again. She removes her hands and shows me what she was about to put in her backpack. I notice the same lengthy phallus that hit my head two days ago is in her hand. In the dark, I couldn't see that it was blue coloured, but now I can see it well, and now it's my turn to somehow blush. She sighs and I nod. "It's a shared toy." She whispers, but chuckles and shakes her head. I don't say anything because I'm thinking of all the reasons why she's taking the s_hared_ toy and putting it in her backpack. It's probably so she and Sara can fuck, I'm not stupid and I have noticed that they have became closer lately, despite Emy telling me they're drifting away, and Sara constantly complaining about it. So if Sara and Emy are still having a somewhat healthy sex life, it means Sara doesn't want me anymore and doesn't want to fuck me. Emy's hot, beautiful, her body is fucking heaven, so Sara wouldn't even think of doing me anymore.

No...No. Sara _would_ think of fucking me. Since when was I so self-deprecating? I am as sexy and as attractive as Emy, Sara does want me and will want to fuck me. I should just tease more, maybe.

"Tegan?" Emy asks me as she puts the toy in her backpack. "I want to talk to you about something. I need an advice. That's why I stayed in the first place." She bites her lower lip with hesitation girdling her entire frame.

"Sure." I finally let out a sound. "Come with me while walking to the cafe'?" She nods and gets up, taking her backpack and following me out. I lock the door of my room and we start walking to our destination. "So what's up?" Emy doesn't speak, so I break the silence.

"Well," She chuckles and I notice she's hesitant and nervous. "It's weird talking about this, or actually asking for an advice about this from someone younger." And by _this_ I'm assuming she's talking about the holy act that I cherish so much.

"Just say it, Emy. We're friends."

"How do I make Sara...I don't know? Like..." She keeps stuttering and my patience is running out. "Get involved in more sexual experiences, let's say?"

"I'm not following up." The weather is getting colder and colder each day, winter is coming and my winter bones are starting to ache by the simple breeze in the air.

"Okay, you know how Sara and I are eh in bed?" I nod with a small laughter. "She doesn't go down on me." Then Emy drops the bomb and I almost trip and choke on more rude laughter.

"I'm sorry, sorry." I apologize as I try to remove some dust from my eyes. I don't like how the sky is full of clouds and how it seems very dusty outside, this weather makes my allergies act up and makes me dizzy. "Like doesn't do it anymore or never actually has gone down on you?"

"Our sex is either fingering or her using what you've seen on me or me going down on her. It's been like that for two years. It has to be really dark in order for us not to see each other because it grosses her out, but actually, I know it's just that she's not comfortable with her naked body. She refuses to change it. I try so hard to make her try something new, but she's such a top she doesn't let me take any action."

"Sara? A top?" I laugh more and Sara's girlfriend sighs. It feels so strange discussing the girl's (you're basically, kind of, crushing on.) sex life with her girlfriend who is also really hot. It feels weird because I'm imagining them in bed and it's turning me on. It feels weird because I wanna do Sara and Emy is asking me for an advice to do Sara. It feels weird because Emy seems so clueless and I feel like I have a lot to teach these two women. It feels weird because I wanna sleep with both of them, but at the same time, I only wanna sleep with Sara.

"Ya, she is. She's so dominant, it's so annoying." It also feels weird that Emy is saying that because Sara showcases nothing but submissiveness. "I wanna use this dildo on her." Then she sighs the biggest sigh a solicitous fellow sighs.

"Em, I'll get back to you. Stay here, don't go, alright?" She nods after we walk into my place of work and I go where the staff are only allowed, leaving her outside. "Hey Mike, what's up?" I greet my co-worker and he smiles in return.

"Slow day, kids are still in school. 't'll be filled within an hour. Studyin' and shit."

I tie my hair and hide the small bun inside my snapback and wear a new pair of gloves. "Seems like it's gonna be a long day." I sigh, mostly to myself, and leave. I find Emy on one of the stools facing the counter. I take my place next to Julie and greet her quickly. "I'll make you something on the house. What do you want?"

"Are you bribing me because I'm sad?" Emy's face is between her two hands, her cheeks are pushed against her eyes and it's making them smaller, her lips are pouting and she looks like an adorable child. "Because it's working." She sends me half a smile and I send her a wink back, which I'm pretty sure makes her blush. "One of that Irish nut creme Sara said you make so good." Oh Sara, not the only creme I make so good.

I start preparing for Emy what she wanted and then take a couple of orders, hand Emy hers and finish with my other orders. Then I face the brunette again and purse my lips. "So she doesn't want you to do her with a dildo?"

"It's not that she doesn't want it. It's just that whenever we plan to, you know, have sex, I end up underneath her. And the other times she's the one who pushes me above her and pushes my head where she wants it. I wanted to do the same with her but she told me she's not into eating pussy. I asked her once if she wanted to be penetrated by that dildo and she said this one is only for me and she's not much into being, you know, fucked like that." Emy's words are too loud and too obscene. While I'm making an old lady's American coffee, I couldn't look into her glaring eyes nor tell Emy to shut up because I don't like to cut someone off while they're venting to me.

Just like I have imagined, Sara doesn't really do much in sex, she probably doesn't even enjoy it much and she doesn't know anything. But I also know Sara has wild fantasies from that teddy she was riding. Emy's description of her stubborn dominance illuminates the fact she's capable to be kinky in her head but is too afraid to apply it in actions. I wonder if Sara can be dominant with me. I'm mostly a top as well, I think we'll spend it fighting who's gonna fuck who if we slept together. That's not a terrible idea, actually. "So what do you want me to help you with?"

"I took the dildo so I can wear it and surprise her all of a sudden, but like, I don't know how?" She blushes fiercely as I raise my eyebrows at her. "Not using it, dude. I mean how to be like, sit still, we're gonna fuck like right now, and it's not gonna be dark, and it's not gonna be me who ends up being fucked at the end." I don't know why Emy doesn't wanna be fucked by Sara in the first place, I mean sure, fucking Sara is fucking great. But damn, being fucked by Sara? That's actually hot.

If Emy can realize the thick fluids in my underwear right now are caused by her description of her sex life with her girlfriend, she's probably gonna think I'm sick.

"I honestly don't know how to give sex advices. I just think there should be some understanding between you two when it comes to something so intimate. You can't just force her into it. She has to be comfortable too with it. From what I noticed about Sara, she's pretty self-conscious..."

"Tell me about it." Emy cuts me off.

"Ya, so you have to make her feel good about her body or herself or what she's doing first then go too extreme like that. Start of with making her comfortable in sex not in the dark. Like walk naked around her, even if you already did, keep doing it, let her know there's nothing wrong with it. Talk about your insecurities about your body, let her know it's okay to have them and to share them and to love them. Then take baby steps until she's not afraid to expose herself to you completely. Then sex will come naturally afterward." In my head, in my mind, in my heart, and in everything in me, I'm cursing myself and my being for helping my friend to sleep with her girlfriend, whom I wanna sleep with. But I can't do anything about it. I can't just tell her to fuck off when she's nice and she needs help. Plus, maybe this help will actually help open Sara a little bit more and then Sara will accept swaying back and forth between her and I.

"I guess you're right." She nods and drinks more of her coffee. "Thank you." I nod in return and serve another customer. "So what are you going to do about Lindsey and Theresa not leaving you alone?" She's fiddling with the necklace around her neck now. I was literally chased by these two women yesterday when I was out to get some things. I told Emy only, I didn't tell Sara. Emy told me they have some sort of competition who will sleep with me first. How sick is that. I told her I'll do something about it.

"I have a plan." Which I'm not sure if it will work or not. "But I won't tell you about it. You'll know it on your own." I wink at her for the second time this day, she blushes for the second time this day. I'm starting to believe it's easier to sleep with Emy than it is with Sara.

I return back to the dorm and quickly up to my room. Sara's body greets me as I open the door. She's sitting on the chair facing her desk, she has a hand behind her back and one rubbing her brow. I lock the door and throw my snapback on my bed. "Hot mocha for the one who seems grumpy." I hold what I've gotten her in front of her tightly-shut eyes, waiting for her to open them.

She opens up her eyes and looks at me, she doesn't take what's in my hand. She winces then pushes me back gently. "I smell, don't come near me." She whispers, but I smell nothing too funny. "Do you have any painkillers? I'm dying." She winces again and sits back, her eyes shut tightly and open up again, a tear rolls out of them.

"Ya, wait a minute." I go to my nightstand and grab the Advil I usually take for my cramps. I grab her a glass of water and give her a pill, she swallows it and gives me the glass back. "Period cramps?" She shakes her head and wipes her eyes.

"I've been cleaning the room for the past five hours, my back is killing me." I look around me and shrug, I don't notice any change. "When I was sixteen, I fell in the shower, since then my back had been very fucked up. I had to get physical therapy to be able to walk normally again. I forgot all about it and now I'm dying, basically." She huffs and grabs the mocha I've gotten her. She gulps too much that I'm afraid she'll choke on it.

"The room's clean. Why'd you clean it?" I sit on the floor, facing her, I begin to unwrap the carrot cake I've gotten for us and look at her. Now I can smell what she's talking about, and I feel so tempted to tease her with her own words about hygiene and shit.

"Emy doesn't clean well. I don't trust anybody cleaning. The room needed air and everything needed to be changed. I changed your sheets and pillowcase. I did your laundry as well. Cleaned the bathroom and everything else. Now I need cleaning, but I can't get up." I offer the cake first and she's too careful to take just a small part of it using her thumb and index in order not to drop any crumbs on the ground. I take the box back and do the same, not wanting her to be upset with me murdering her efforts of cleaning.

"You did my nasty laundry?" I chew and talk. She makes the same disgusted face and disturbed reaction whenever I'm eating something. Am I that much of an ugly eater?

"Yes, and I'm glad you know how nasty it is." She rolls her eyes. "Just a little of an advice, don't throw your bloody underwear all over your other laundry and stain everything with it. Blood doesn't come off easily, especially when it's dry, that's very disgusting." I look down at the cake. This is the most embarrassing thing that has so far happened to me. "I don't mean to embarrass you, Tegan." She sighs. "I'm just giving you an advice." She says and I nod. I look up at her and she smiles at me. I am blushing, but mostly it's because she's seen something so private out of my clothing that nobody had ever seen, and it feels kind of strange, but it feels domestic, I feel closer to her by this, and I feel like we're bonding in new ways.

"Well, thank you." I nod and give her more cake. She nods too and gives me her mocha. I take it and drink from it. "You look pretty when sweaty." I wink at her and the redness sways away from me and jumps on her face.

"I feel like the closer I get to you I'm less disgusted by everything around me." She takes back the mocha cup that I have just drunk from and sips from the same place my lips were on. "See?" She sips again. "I can't believe I like doing that. It's like..."

"Indirectly kissing me." I grin at her, she giggles sheepishly and I know that's what she meant. She wants to kiss me. Sara wants to kiss me. I'm getting there.

"Like today I didn't really get disgusted. I mean, just a little bit, but like, it felt like...I don't know, like it's my own dirty laundry I was taking care of. It's weird. I feel like Emy would hate me because of it." She's handing me back the cup, but my hand is above hers while we're holding the object, and my thumb is rubbing her hand.

"I think we know by now what we're feeling towards each other, so it's not weird. Plus, I'm pretty sure Emy wants to fuck me as much as you do." Her foot kicks my knee and I giggle.

"You don't change." She says in a playful way and gets up. "Stay right here. I have something for you. I'll take a quick shower." Before I can add more words to tease her, she looks back at me. "And no, you can't join me." She closes the door and I sigh. I fucking like her.

While she's showering, I make myself useful and make us both grilled cheese and salad since she loves salad so much. I change my clothes and get comfortable in my pajamas. I try to find something interesting for both of us on the television but I end up watching cartoons and laughing at silly moments.

Sara is still holding her back when she leaves the bathroom. I look back at her from my place on the sofa and I smile really big when I see her eyebrows raised as she notices what I'm watching. Somehow she still can't get used to the fact that I'm an animation lover despite my age and mentality.

"Come here for a little sec." Sara orders me. I obey without much thought because it's Sara fucking Smith. I look at her and she giggles, I don't know why, but I smell evil more than the sweat I have smelled on her before. She removes her duvet and I see a giant stuffed spongebob pillow that my eyes widen at seeing. I don't know how the fuck I didn't even pay much thought to what was under there, I just thought it's her clothes or something, but it's a cute spongebob pillow, and it has arms and legs. "You like it? It's for you." She picks it up and hands it to me. Oh my god, I probably look like a fucking child, but I don't care, I hug the pillow, slash stuffed toy, and smile with gums and teeth at her. "It's me thanking you for taking care of me when I was sick and a little something for your birthday."

"I wanna kiss you right now so fucking much." She giggles again and tilts her head. Her adorable hair falls to the side and almost covers her eyes, it rests on her shoulder and I sigh as I get lost in her eyes. But then mine pop up and I remember what I have actually bought her as a joke and a present yesterday. "Wait, oh my god." She's already confused. I put the stuffed toy on her bed and walk to my backpack. I take out the toy that I bought her and walk towards her again, smiling so big as I hand her the white box. "I got you a toy as well."

She opens the box hurriedly and turns crimson quickly. I smile at her and she's staring at me with disbelief. "What the fuck?"

"It's a vibrator." She obviously knows and I feel so dumb. "See? We both got each others sex toys." I wink at her, already reaching for the poor spongebob and squeezing it between my legs. I feel like her eyes are going to bulge out of her face and it's so fucking funny. "I'll sure make use of mine. Already doing. I hope you'll make use of yours."

"Asshole." She yells at me and pushes me roughly. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" She drops the pink and white toy on her bed and sits there, angry and glowering.

I throw the yellow stuffed toy on my bed and sit beside her. "I'm sorry." I whisper. She doesn't answer, she starts crying. What did I do now? God, she's always so sensitive. "I was joking with you. I'm just kidding. I just..." I don't know what to say, I don't know why she's crying.

"You'll never stop making fun of me riding that thing." Oh, so that's what's it about. Think Tegan, think. How can you embarrass yourself in front of her?

"Sara, I can just strip naked and do it in front of you if it's making you feel so ashamed." Why the fuck did I offer that? What if she says go ahead and do it?

"You always make me cry. I hate you." She wipes her tears but more fall down her cheeks.

"No, you don't hate me." She sniffles and shakes her head. "I'm sorry about that as well." I point to the sex toy. I bought it yesterday after I received the money my dad sent me. I hid it in my backpack to give it to Sara. It's my first purchase of a sex toy and I wanted it to be for someone special, and that someone is Sara. I didn't think anything of it, but now I'm kinda regretting it. I don't really know if she ever experienced the hitachi magic wand, but I remember the first time this woman used it on me when I was fifteen, it was heaven on earth, since then it's been my favourite, even more than the dildo, and I just want Sara to try it instead of the teddy bear. Speaking of that teddy bear, Sara has thrown it away apparently, it's nowhere to find after that day.

"What gave you the idea to get that? Sometimes I feel like you don't think before you take actions, just like me not thinking before speaking." That's actually true. I never think much before taking an action, which is why I don't regret much.

"I don't know. I went into the sex store and I was too overwhelmed, okay? Like I wanted to get you something and I imagined you using that. It's fun and it's a safe choice." I shrug.

"I've never used a vibrator before." She confesses, looking at me. She reaches for the toy and takes it in her hand. "How do you use that?" She looks at it and inspects the buzzy head.

I smile and get closer to her. "You just plug it in, turn it on, and put this thing over your clit." She turns bright fucking red when I say the last word. She bites her lower lip and nods with a smile. "Want me to show you?" Her expression changes and she pushes me away, shaking her head.

"Thank you." She whispers, putting it back in its box. "I might make use of it." Her foot is on my lap, she's pushing me away and out of her bed, looking at me with hooded lids, and I know, and I can tell how horny she is because that fucking beating in my parts isn't triggered out of nothing. It's that look again, that sexy look that's driving me crazy. I put my hand on her foot and pull her towards me. She sits on her elbows and giggles, pushing my chest with her foot.

"You sly thing." She giggles again, and even though her eyes are teary, she's nowhere near crying again. I take a hold of her moving foot and kiss her ankle. She giggles one more time so I kiss again and again, going up. She throws her head back when I'm rubbing the whole length of her legs till I reach her thighs.

"I think we should go eat." I pinch her thigh and try to sneak my way in the slit of her pajama shorts. I can already see her underwear peeking from there. I can't take it anymore. My underwear is a pool of fluids, my nipples are aching and hard, my mind is focused on thing, and I bet she's suffering like me. But then she pushes me, she pushes me harshly and I almost fall. She giggles and grabs my hand so I don't fall. "Oops." She wickedly says. "That's enough." She says more sternly. What a fucking bitch, she's getting me where she wants, fucking evil witch. "No touching, no cheating. Didn't we say that?" She raises her eyebrows at me and I nod like a drugged idiot. I'm probably drugged. She probably had cast a spell on me, maybe she is a wizard or something.

We end up eating in half silence and I know the change in attitude means many thoughts are dancing in her mind. I'm sure of it more when she doesn't let me sleep next to her. Something about not crossing the boundaries. I know she's thinking of Emy and is doubting everything. Everytime we touch we get closer, and her motto is _no touching no cheating_. If I can just find a way that we won't touch but we'll do what I have in mind that would be great. But let's be real, I just wanna touch her more than anything.

I'm going to skip to the most important part or parts in the following day. Giving a promise to two thirsty woman at the same time approximately is something I haven't done, but today I have managed to do it so well. My plan is simple, I want to ruin the friendship of these two people. Emy knows half of it, she just doesn't know the exact details. Emy helped me arrange a time to go to Lindsey's room at 6. Then I flirted my way through Theresa's heart and promised her we'd meet up in her room at 6:30.

My shift is exactly over at six, which means I'll be late for Lindsey, that will piss her off, and that's what I want.

I go back to my dorm room first, Sara is nowhere in sight, which is strange. I change my clothes quickly and head up to Lindsey's room. As soon as I knock, she opens the door, and before I had a time to absorb my surroundings, her saliva is all over my lips and inside my mouth and splotching my cheeks. I push her off, a little bit too roughly to get her away from me.

"Whoa, calm down little nugget." I push her towards a bed, hoping it's her. My eyes are trying to scan the room, it's not bad, but not as neat and tidy as Sara and I's.

"Little nugget?" She chuckles and pushes me off. I see how it is, I see how she wants it. "Listen, sweetie..."

"No, you listen." I push her again and this time she falls on that mattress. I try to accentuate the rasp in my octave as I hover over her, pinning her down by having my palm pressed over her chest. "I have no time for playful shit, kay? You can come quickly or I go away?" She tries to fight back, she tries to push me away, but I'm much stronger than her, she can't really do anything about it.

"I didn't think you're like that." She whispers, giving up. "It's really fucking hot." I lift one eyebrow, already cupping one breast. "Yes." She gives me her consent. "Do me." With a smirk, I lean down and take the skin of her neck between my lips.

Lindsey's so submissive and easy to control in bed, but she's taking too much time to come, I know Theresa is fuming in her room, and that's exactly what I want from her. "You should come because this girl is waiting for me, you know." I'm holding her wrist roughly to ban her from trying to undress me every now and then. My other hand is working on her orgasm.

"What girl? I'm not gonna fuck you?" I lower my head to her cunt to hurry the process. I flick my tongue all over her clit as my two digits curl inside her. "Fuck." She hisses when I suck on the engorged button and quicken my thrusts.

When she's finished, she tries again to make me lie on that bed but I push her away with my words this time. "Theresa's waiting in her room. Be a good girl and let me go." I wink at her and she pauses, taking a step back. I run quickly to the door and leave her there, bewildered and confused.

I run towards Theresa's room before Lindsey comprehends what's happening and chases after me. Again, with one knock I'm allowed entry, and with the adrenaline rush I have, it doesn't take me much to push Theresa on a black bean bag chair.

"What took you so long? I thought you'd never come." I look up at her and she nods, so I rid her off her jeans and underwear all at once.

"I was with Lindsey, your friend?" I lower my head on her crotch and my tongue runs its length between her slit before she could say anything.

I almost feared my plan didn't work so well when she started moaning instead of saying anything, but then she pushed my head away and looked at me with confusion clouding her face. I have to admit, she's a babe, Lindsey's too, but their attitude and the story Emy told me made me see them in a very different way. It's funny how when someone is so attractive says or does something seriously ill-mannered your whole perspective of them changes.

"With Lindsey? What were you doing?" I smile to myself as relief washes over me.

"Her is what I was doing." I wink at her and lower my face again, but then I'm pushed even more harshly and fall on my back.

"What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? You can't do that."

"Last time I checked we're not dating." I get up and watch her tall figure standing there like a brick, she's already zipping up her jeans when I stand up to face her. "I can do whatever and whoever I want."

"She's my fucking friend." Plan is working well. "I fucking told her I want you." She's mostly rambling to herself.

"Sure didn't seem like it when she was chanting my name a few minutes ago." I shrug. "Well too bad, your pussy tastes good." I wink at her, opening the door. I imagined that's how it's going to be, I imagined it would calm down and then the next day we'll hear about the rivalry, but I certainly didn't imagine finding Lindsey waiting outside, and didn't imagine the cat fight that happened in the hallway. This is much better than what I've imagined, and this is exactly what I wanted.

I left them both fighting over me and I went down to my dorm. I'm sweaty, my face is heated, and I'm horny to the degree of insanity. Having to please someone and make them come without getting there yourself too is hard work. I just need to touch myself at the moment. My pussy is throbbing for any type of release. I need it more than ever since I've come here.

I find Sara lying on her bed, well half her body is, her legs are swaying and her feet are touching the ground. I walk there and try to even out my breaths. She sits up and looks at me. I look at her and notice her damp fringe and her flushed complexion. "Guess what?" I look at her swaying socked-feet, then up at her face, her smile is swaying me more and building up my orgasm without having to touch myself. "I just had sex." She fuels my anger the way she wants it and it works so damn well because I can feel my whole face on fire. "It was really fucking good." She sighs in content and giggles as my jaw clenches and I take a hold of her own chair. "Did you have sex, Tegan?" Did Emy fill her in on the plan? No, it can't be. Why does she seem so cunning right now? Why does it seem like she has a rope wrapped around my neck and is dragging me where she wants me? "You look really tensed up. Help yourself." She directs me and I'm lost for a second, then she looks down at my lower body and I look down as well, noticing that my hand is subtly pressing on my clothed clit in her presence.

"You do it too." Now I see where she's going, and now I can understand the concept of no touching, no cheating. My hand is already unzipping my light blue jeans.

She tsks at me and shakes her head, in a manner that is playful, childish, and adorable. "I've already done it, it's your turn now." She pauses and her eyes focus on my hand going inside my pants and hurriedly inside my underwear. She can't see anything, but she can make out the shape of my palm cupping my mound as the wetness covers every bit of dry skin. "Show me your orgasm face." She says, coldly, gravely, and tauntingly...all at the same fucking time.

I hiss and shudder as I drag my digits between my moist slit and stop at the very engorged button crying with sogginess for a touch. I give my most precious part of my body the satisfaction it's crying for and begin circling it with my index and middle finger in clockwise movement. I open my eyes and watch Sara watching me, but I also notice one hand cupping her breast, and the other on her thigh. I know I'm breaking her by the minute, but I also know the kind of irritating willpower that she owns, and even though she was dying, I know she won't cave in. But it doesn't bother me any longer because my main focus at the moment is on the release my body is shrieking for.

I cup my breast in solidarity with Sara, and we both let out a sound that's like laughter but really, it's just a whiny moan, nothing more. I don't press much because my nipple is already hard and hurting because of the piercing, but she squeezes hers and sighs as I start to pump in two of my digits hard and fast enough for her to see and understand what's going on so well. "My pussy loves you." I start talking dirty to get her going and get myself going as well. I know she won't be the one doing that, so I do it instead. I'm not sure if it makes her blush or not because her face is already flooded with red, but she giggles and that's what gives her shyness away. "It's so fucking wet and it keeps getting wetter. Ugh." I moan because it seems like I'm teasing myself with my words and not her.

"When is it gonna come?" She finally lets out a sound and I look at her again, she's licking her lip and giving me that dirty eye that's driving me to the edge.

"Help me come, please." I whine, squeezing my eyes shut when I hit the right spot inside. I massage my walls and my thumb help me by massaging my clit. My legs are cramping and my muscles are sore. I'm either going to fall or going to come so hard and then fall. When I feel the tightness in my lower stomach I start thrusting hard once again. I take a good grip on the chair as I feel it coming.

"You don't need my help from what I can see." I open my eyes again and I feel a tear swimming beneath my eyelid. My mouth is in a round shape as I focus on Sara's tired eyes and Sara's hand pinching her thigh. Her legs are tightly closed and her other palm had already made a home for her boob.

I start thrusting my hips like an idiot as I begin to ride my orgasm. I can't control my movements or my breaths or whatever weird sounds I'm probably making. The high takes me away from reality for some seconds and brings me back to life when I hit the floor as I lose my balance. She gets up and stands near my resting body. Her legs are on both sides of my stomach as I'm lying under her. She giggles while looking at my state and my hand still down there inside my pants.

"Good girl. Now we're even." She giggles again and I look at her with wide eyes. "No touching..."

"No cheating." I finish her sentence and sigh as I try to realize what's happening around me. I only understand one thing of this whole mystery that is us, and that is, Sara Smith is wearing me like a ring on her finger.


	7. Chapter 7

**Trigger Warnings: Sexual abuse, rape, child molesting, and pedophilia all hinted at in this chapter. **

* * *

**Sara**

"My back is fucked up." I watch my person in Emy's mirror. I look at my face and try to mess with the pimple on the lower left corner of my lips. Her mirror makes everything so huge and extra noticeable.

"Again?" Emy's in the bathroom with the door slightly ajar.

"Ya. I barely slept last night. Now it's better with the painkillers but it's fucked up." I take a step back. Maybe I should cut my hair. I do look like a dog, don't I? "Why do you have a long ass mirror in front of your bed?" I twirl around as I try to scan my body. "Do you like...watch yourself masturbate in front of it?"

Emy's head pops up from inside the bathroom. "Sar, you have issues." I notice her exposed shoulders and I become curious.

"What are you doing in there?" I furrow my eyebrows, walking towards the door. She doesn't let me in, she blocks my possibility of entering with her arm.

"Go lie on that bed." She orders but I try again to enter. "Please." I sigh and turn around, doing as she told me.

"Alright." I hear my girlfriend's voice once again. "I need you to accept what you're gonna see with an open mind. I need you to try and think about it. Please." I am not exactly sure what she's talking about. I squint my eyes in a state of haze as I try to imagine an endless variety of possibilities. But before my mind can come up with colourful images, I see Emy standing before me...naked...and strapped.

_Naked and strapped._

"What the fuck?" I laugh, not because I intend to do it, but because I'm seriously nervous and embarrassed. Well...my girlfriend is completely naked in front of me...and strapped...and that's my dildo. She must have gotten it without me knowing. I take a deep breath and we look at each other, she's embarrassed as well because her face is adorably cherry red.

"Do I look funny?" Her arms are moving around, covering her breasts one second and hiding behind her back the next. I didn't mean to laugh but I couldn't really handle my feelings in any better way. She has beautiful breasts...not as beautiful as Tegan's, but beautiful enough to make me stare.

And as I stare I begin to think what has taken me this long hiding her and myself beneath blankets and darkness. I've seen her naked, many, many times, but everything is more captivating underneath the glow of lights. I have a beautiful girlfriend. "You look hot." I whisper, lowering my head with a smile. I wonder, if Tegan stood there like that in front of me what would I be feeling?

Why am I thinking of Tegan when my lover is trying to catch my attention? She's right, I do have issues.

"So?" She walks closer to me. And subconsciously, my eyes widen when I see her nude form closing the gap between us and I see the blue phallus so close to me. She notices me staring so she grabs it, wrapping her tiny hands around it. And I can't help but imagine her moving her hand as I am wearing it. I need to do her right now.

"We talked about that." I say again, looking up at her.

"Don't you ever want to give it a try?" My hands are already fooling around the straps, trying to get her rid of them.

"Well, right now I truly wanna fuck you with 'em." I lick my lower lip and she starts caving in. She always caves in. She loves the dildo in her, and I honestly do wanna try it, I'm curious about it. But I also really love doing her with it, and I'm also very shy in trying it. But I feel like we're breaking many barriers thanks to Tegan.

Tegan? Again? Yes, I mean if it wasn't for that threesome idea, I wouldn't have been pushing myself to try and feel and look and be exposed.

"I'll let you do me if you'll get as naked as I am right now." She smiles, letting go of the straps and intoxicating me with the view of her shaved cunt. "I also want to go down on you first, while you look at me." Hell no...I'll faint from embarrassment.

"No." I shake my head. "That's too..." I don't continue, I let it go when my face heats up. She places her hand over my shirt and I do allow her to unbutton it.

"You're beautiful." She tells me, taking off my shirt and revealing my breasts protected by a black bra. "I've been down on you many, many, many times." She winks at me, taking a hold of my jeans. "I've already seen you naked because my face has been there, and I already know how everything looks, tastes, and feels like."

"Emy!" I scold her and she giggles. Where did all the confidence come from? She's never spoken to me like that. It's like...it's like she's been taking lessons at Tegan's sex school...wait a minute, that motherfucking whore, Tegan. I'm pretty sure she's teaching her some shit. The way she's teaching_ me_ some shit.

"Look babe, I know you don't want to see me looking at your vagina. I know you're shy and all, but you need to realize that we're dating, we love each other, and I don't care about any flaw you think you have." Well, that sounds like Emy. She has told me that plenty of times before.

"What if you don't like how my vagina looks, though?" I take a look at her nude body one more time and then at her hands lowering my jeans. I push it down my legs and throw it away with my feet.

She looks at me, as if I had said something really weird, and then shakes her head. She reaches for my bra and I push her hands away. "What now?"

"Emy?" I ask her. "Can I touch your boobs?" She looks at me again with the same expression but doesn't shake her head anymore, she grabs both my hands and allows me to palm her breasts. I giggle like a stupid child and she giggles as well. "They feel good." She blushes and I think I am blushing too. "It's weird touching them like that...like not in the middle of sex, like..." I stop knowing what to say and I end up drowning in my own emotions and desire, kissing her as if I've never kissed before.

My kisses take her by surprise and she almost falls, I've been always the one who melted us both into action, rarely she took charge and as much as I wished she did, I knew she liked it when I did it. I'm always too intimidated to ask her to take me and just ravish me, and she always gives up easily and surrenders her body and heart to me. This time it's different, I feel the difference and I do allow it. She holds my face when she realizes what's going on and she pushes her tongue with aggressive permission, which I allow happily and which she moans at while tasting the remnants of strawberry juice inside my mouth.

She pushes me on her mattress and I feel my back burn and cry, but I let it go because something else more important is happening. With one swift move, just one damn move, my underwear is thrown farther away in this room. I'm pretty sure it's on Sarah's bed but my drugged and shocked state can't seem to absorb anything other than the fact that Emy has just stripped me naked and I am fucking naked in front of her prying eyes.

What I do next is that I turn around immediately and cover my face in my hands. I give Emy a view of my ass and she takes the chance to slap it playfully, which makes me gasp and wish I am disappearing from reality. "You're one of a kind, has anybody told you that?" No, because I'm not. I'm just a shy loser, that's probably what she means.

I whine and squirm under her touch when she pulls me by my hips to the edge of the bed. "My back, Em." I warn her when I feel the pain increasing in my lower back. She stays still for a while and I bet she's thinking why the fuck she's fucking a grandma with stretch marks and back pain and saggy breasts.

"Turn around, I wanna see you. I wanna go down on you, turn around." I turn my head and look back at her, she's squatting down on the floor in front of my slightly parted legs. "Close your eyes if it's too much to take, Jesus." She rolls her eyes and I turn around, closing my legs and hiding my face with one arm. "I've been going down on you for the past two years, pretty sure I know what your body looks like in precise details. Probably more than you do." I take a peek and I watch her looking between my legs after parting them. My heart starts drumming, feeling like it's the first time ever I'm being touched and looked at, but something in me is also relishing and enjoying the moment. Something in me feels excited and wants it, so without much consciousness, I spread my legs and watch her grin at the view of my drenched cunt. I start to take calming breaths when I feel her digits inspecting and toying with my folds. "Sara, fuck." She says with astonishment. "You're like dripping all over my sheets, do you know that?" Yes, motherfucker, I can feel it, now stop making me feel embarrassed and eat.

I groan instead of saying what I really want to say. "Emy." I whisper, really lowly.

"Hmm?" I'm not sure if she knows I'm peeking at her, but she's looking at me now while teasing my clit and taking a dip in my slit. "What do you want?"

"You know." I say again.

"No, I don't." Oh for fuck's sake.

"Fucking do it already you fucking bitch." I shout eventually, killing the mood and her teasing and making her burst in laughter. But also it makes her lower her face where I want it the most and it makes her swirl her tongue on my needing bundle of nerves. I moan in relief and I smile when I see her smiling while lapping at my juices.

She starts off slow, really slow, taking her time and I am an impatient one, with my other hand, I push her head to my pussy and she laughs, sending vibrations all over my clit, making me jump and begin to hump her face. "I wonder what you're thinking." She talks while biting down on my clit, it fuels my insides and she knows it. I'm squealing and she loves it. "Or who you thinking of." I wasn't listening until now, and my heart starts knocking for help, wanting an instant release and wanting an escape, because even though the thoughts are pushed away, she brings them back with her words without even mentioning the damned name on her tongue. What is she trying to do?

She grabs my legs and wraps them around her shoulders, I arch my back and push my folds in her face. She's bobbing her head, sucking my clit between her lips. Both of my hands are now on her head, messing up her hair. Then I see it, I see myself and I see her down on me through that mirror and I die and come back to life all at once. I gasp because the view is mesmerizing but also embarrassing.

She moans and I do too. "Are you thinking of her?" She kisses my clit and continues, "I bet you are. Do you imagine me as Tegan? Imagine me as her, eating your pussy like that. Making you come like that. Imagine I'm Tegan, I know you want to. Pretend I'm her." Let me say this...my heart is one second close to a collapse which will end its life. I don't know if I'm turned on, shocked, weirded out, or dying...probably all of these at once. But what she has just said basically built me up to higher levels of pleasure I've never experienced.

"Emy." I shout, I've never shouted. Her tongue is doing wonders inside my wet core, and all I can see is the woman mentioned by her doing it instead.

"I'm Tegan. I'm not Emy." And then it hits me. It hits me strongly and it crawls down on my skin like the sweat all over my body, it hits me that my damn girlfriend is also dangerously attracted to the woman I think...I think...I think I'm growing feelings for...and then I come. "Ohhh, that's how fast you'll come for her. You'll soak her whole face. Bet she'll love it." At this moment where my head is too out of it to make sense of what my lunatic girlfriend is blabbering about, I only nod my head and smile like an experienced little virgin who's just had her first orgasm ever.

Emy takes her chance and reaches to my face in order to kiss me, I almost do until I remember where her mouth has been and my sexual instinct acts up again as her breasts brush over my own. I push her down, a bit too roughly, I admit. She winces and I kiss her neck, finding a spot I want and making it my own. Her moans begin to rise and my eyes begin to darken once again. "And what about you? Are you imagining me as Tegan too? Or do you imagine yourself as Tegan and I'm fucking you?"

Emy's looking at me with eyes I've never seen, I bet she's wondering if an animal has been unleashed inside coy Sara Smith. I mean as far as I'm concerned, she just had to say the magical word to get me out of the cage, and she did. She said her name and now here I am strapping myself before her, slapping her thigh and parting her legs. Yes, I did almost erase my confidence with blushing and gasping at her red, soaked pussy, but I soon regained my confidence again and took a breath.

Okay, here's the thing...I seriously wanna go down on her. I seriously do and I'm also thinking of how Tegan's pussy might look like. Will it look the same? Or the same as mine? Or different than both of us? I bet it's beautiful, as beautiful as Emy's. I wonder if she'll find mine beautiful, what if she doesn't? I wonder if Emy finds it beautiful. "I love your pussy." I say, without much thought, obviously.

"Then fuck it, Tegan." Oh...is my girlfriend cheating on me emotionally the way I'm cheating on her emotionally? "Or do you want me to be Tegan? Show me how you'll fuck her then." And that's what pushes my sick mind and self to go in without any warning or patience and push inside my girlfriend, stretching her and squeezing a high-pitched scream out of her lungs.

Emy doesn't really shut up. She keeps feeding me words and making me pump in and out like a crazed person, I know I'm probably hurting her, but she's fucking loving it by asking for more. I honestly don't know what she's thinking and how everything is happening, all I know is that I'm fucking sick, and my girlfriend is a fucking weirdo and we're both fucked up and falling for my roommate who's also as sick and is a weirdo like us.

Emy and I find ourselves heated and flushed on her mattress, well, after she got me paracetamol and we both stopped crying. Me, because of my back. Her...well, maybe I shouldn't have listened to her when she asked for more. She keeps saying it's okay, but the way she's walking is not even funny, it's hurtful to the eye. And my back? Well it's another story, looks like I'm gonna have to be careful once again.

"We're so fucked up, Sara." She says through a sniffle and I look at her, watching tears fill up her eyes once again. "You hurt me." She whispers, and I know what she means by that.

"I'm sorry." I say, turning my face away from her. "We're fucked up." I agree with her. "Do you like her?" I ask and feel her hand over my waist.

"Attracted to her." She answers. "But you like her." She says it casually. "And it hurts me." She admits it.

"But I love you."

"Which relieves me." She says.

I turn around again and look at her eyes. "I don't understand you." I admit again.

"I don't understand you either." She shrugs and I take a look at her breast when it wobbles. "One month ago you didn't dare stay naked with me after sex...or allow yourself to me that way, and now her name is on my tongue you're so exposed and not yourself...or maybe that's yourself." Another tears stains her cheek. "It hurts me." She repeats it. And it also hurts me so I start crying. "That threesome will be amazing." I don't get her. "When are we going to have it?"

"I don't know." I whisper.

"Have you talked to her about it?" I don't get her.

"No." I wipe my eyes. "Should I?"

"Well? I want it. I wanna have sex with her...and you...together." I don't get us.

"I want that too."

"Then talk to her about it." She purses her lips then sits up a bit. "Do you guys talk about sex?" I nod, because lies are not necessary.

"Did she give you advices?" She nods. "She gave me some too." She chuckles. "She caught me masturbating...coming actually." Something feels so natural when Tegan is involved, it's like she's a part of me and my tale and my narrative whenever I speak about her.

"Catch her coming too." Emy grins. I furrow my brows. She shrugs.

"Emy, are we girlfriends?" I'm starting to feel the disconnection. It gets stronger each time we connect.

"Ya?" She asks, doubtfully. "Do you think I'll be able to walk normally tomorrow?" She changes the subject and I get my answer. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is relief or a sting in my chest, but then she kisses my cheek and leans in. "I love you." I let her kiss me and taste her tears, and also...I suppose, a bit of myself on her lips. I don't know what that tastes like, but it's probably the foreign taste that's hit my taste buds.

"I love you too." I smile at her, she helps me up and hands me my clothes.

"Sarah's gonna be here soon. I should shower." She stretches, still undressed, which brings back the excitement in my body and makes me feel sick that I'm such a sexual human, cannot settle for just a tad without getting aroused. I wonder if Tegan's home, I wonder what she's doing.

Tegan again is on my mind, and she stays on my mind the entire time I dress myself, say goodbye to my girlfriend, and go down to my room. Tegan stays on my mind when I don't find her there and I just lie on my bed and think about everything my girlfriend has said. She says she loves me even though I know she means it in a different way, probably the way I mean it. And I can't even begin to explain to my bothered mind what I mean by that. Emy also told me to catch Tegan coming, I don't even know what that means but I feel like I should do exactly that. She offered masturbating in front of me and I didn't take the offer but now I actually do wanna see how her orgasm face looks like. Like my girlfriend's? Different? Like mine? Oh dear. I wonder if she screams, if she moans, if she can top me. I bet she can. I bet I'll let her.

But then Ms. Quin rushes in, face too red, hair is a mess, sweat coating her entire body. She looks defeated and she looks hot. I wonder if I'll ever stop getting turned on by everything she does. "Guess what?" I grin at her, a bit too excitedly. I notice she's looking at me up and down. Her big eyes and her puffed lips are in a state of immense wonder about whatever is going on in her mind. It always seems like battles are inside her mind, and only sex and her person inside my own. "I just had sex." I have no fucking idea why I'm saying this, but I just continue talking and she continues getting redder by the second. "It was really fucking good." I sigh and giggle, watching her eyes narrow and her jaw clench. She takes a hold of my chair and her knuckles go white. I look back at her and at her damp bangs and I begin to tease, "Did you have sex, Tegan?" She doesn't answer me, she just stares at me. "You look really tensed up. Help yourself." I don't know where my words are coming from, but they're coming from my inner person, the Sara that only shines in bed, the Sara that's been shining gloriously more and more around this woman.

I notice that Tegan is caving in, I also notice that her hand is already on her crotch. "You do it too." She says with a shaky voice and I smile at her. It's gonna happen, and I'm gonna see her doing it in front of me.

I shake my head and tsk at her, as teasingly as possible. It's my turn now to turn the tables and have her under my mercy. "I've already done it, it's your turn now." I say confidently. I remember my girlfriend's words and I remember my self-made promise. No touching, no cheating. And Emy seems to think the same. Her hand is already inside her pants and her light pink underwear. It's the first time she's worn this colour, I really wish to see her in it, but this sexual woman seems way more shy than what she likes to show. "Show me your orgasm face." I look up at her again and then back at the shape of her hand inside her pants.

Then her hand starts moving and her lips start quivering. Her eyes are closed and I am slowly drowning in my own fantasies. I'm still wet from before, but each time she hisses and gasps and each time she bites her lip, I lose it more and stain not only my underwear but most probably the fabric of my jeans as well. The ache begins to increase where it has just been relieved. I squeeze my legs together and cup my breast, rubbing the softness of my flesh and calming the ache in my nipple. She opens her eyes and looks at me. I am losing my mind each second, and I bet she can see it, but I won't go there, I won't cave in, I won't join her. It's her time now. Maybe later, some other time, but not now.

She cups her own breast and smiles at me, I smile in return and we laugh, or moan, I'm not sure, but she releases that same sound that makes me lose it each time. Then I see it and feel it. I see it through the concealing fabric that Tegan has begun to finger herself, and from this movement, I can tell she's exaggerating the action and doing it harder than she usually does it in order to make me a witness of it. She wants me to lose it, but the only satisfaction she gets is me squeezing my breast in order to control my need. "My pussy loves you." Then she starts saying things friends shouldn't say to one another. I mean it's not touching, but still, it makes me so nervous that I giggle like an idiot. "It's so fucking wet and it keeps getting wetter. Ugh." She moans after her last sentence and I can't help but laugh because she's getting herself there by talking dirtily to me.

"When is it gonna come?" I decide to ask because I am curious. For me, I don't really come quickly, that's why Emy was so shocked and a bit hurt when I did. She thinks it's because of her I don't, and once she mentioned Tegan I did. The truth is, it's because it's something new, something I've never experienced. The fact that I saw my reflection being fucked made everything toss and turn inside my system and pushed me to the edge sooner than ever.

"Help me come, please." She wants me to join her dirty talk, but I won't join her. I don't really know how to dirty talk unless I'm doing the fucking.

"You don't need my help from what I can see." I swallow hard because I'm the one who actually needs help but I won't allow it to show. She opens her eyes and a tear slides down her lid. I'm not sure if it's because of the intensity of the moment or some dark thought that's dancing there in her mind. I shake the thought away when her sounds start to rise and her hips start humping the air. By that I know she's coming. I look at her face to see what mask I'm going to find and I only find something so beautiful, an art piece, a calm sea, a beautiful, beautiful face in front of me. Eyes closed, lips apart and rounded, sweat running down both temples, and skin glistening with lust and need. Then she falls down and rests on the floor. It makes me giggle and I stand up. I walk towards her and stand above her, my feet are on both sides of her stomach. I look down and I notice that her hand is still inside her pink undies, I also can see bits of an unshaven mound greeting me. I look up at her again and I say, "Good girl. Now we're even." I giggle while she looks at me, thunderstruck and dazed. "No touching..."

"No cheating." She finishes my sentence and I nod, smiling at her and crying inside as I realize what have happened, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with. Is it true? That no touching means no cheating? I don't know, but I just can't stop it nor help it. And after the features I've seen, the voices I've heard, the beauty I'm standing above, I don't think I'm going to quit wanting it to happen again and again, and everything in me is encouraging me to join it and be a part of it. Everything in me is pushing me to leave my body and leave Sara to be the person my fantasies have always showed me I could be. Perhaps when you think of something too much your damn mind manifests it and it becomes so true and alive in front of you.

I can also notice Tegan's mental struggle. It's evident from her facial expression and her awful silence after everything had calmed down. We only quarreled about who's going to shower first. Since she was on the floor and I was standing, I hurried to the bathroom and locked the door. I didn't take too long, though, because I already showered this morning. I just needed to freshen up and try to tame my renewed arousal. I left and Tegan was in her undergarment and on her bed. Her head was in her hands, which made me worry and feel bad. I told her to go and she nodded, remaining as silent as she could be.

While she's in the shower I decided to video chat my mother. But Tegan didn't even take long at all. She came out after the usual questions about my day and her day and about how my grades are and how my cat is doing and how are Joy and dad are doing. I also asked her about my back and that's when Tegan got out.

"But mum, I really don't want to deal with cortisone again." I whine, taking a look at silent Tegan. I see she has gotten her notebook out and is doing her homework.

"I didn't say you have to. I said you should be careful or you'll have to do that again. Sara, the last time we lost hope in you walking again. Please be careful." My mum is exaggerating once again. I roll my eyes at her and she laughs.

"I didn't even lift anything too heavy or slip. I just cleaned, that's all." I shrug, looking again at Tegan who's looking at me. As soon as our eyes meet, she looks at her notebook again. Did I do something wrong?

"Well, be careful next time. Like I said, a heating pad or even an ice bag, a bit of pain medication and you'll be good. If anything felt weird you go to the doctor, okay?"

"Okay." I sigh, taking another look. She's not looking at me. Seriously, what did I do?

"Who do you keep lookin' at?" I look again at my mother, squinting her tiny eyes at me.

"Just Tegan." I say, already blushing when I look at Tegan looking at me, facing me.

"Oh. She's here? I wanna say hi. Get her here." I silently cringe at my mother's cheery tone. My heart starts drumming when I finally see the obvious smirk on my roommate's face. I motion for her to come say hi to my mum and she stands up right away, walking to my bed.

Before she could sit next to me, her attitude changes, her face reddens, and her body language becomes more hesitant. "Come say hi to my mum. Don't be shy. She likes people with bad hair." I try to tease, to get her closer, but I think it angers her more, she glowers at me and pushes my body, sitting next to me. "Mum, this is rude Tegan. Tegan this is my mother." I introduce, looking at both of them staring at each other as if they've seen a ghost. "Okay, her hair is not _that_ bad."

Tegan looks at me then looks at her. My mum does the same. She looks at both of us, silent. My mum has never been silent. I don't know what's going on. "Hello, Tegan." I sigh loudly in relief when my mother finally speaks. "You're a beautiful lady. I didn't think that."

"I should blame Sara, I guess." And Tegan finally shows off her gummy smile. I let out another relieved sigh, which makes my mother giggle. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Smith."

"It's Jessica. Only Jessica." My mother instructs. Tegan nods. "Tegan?"

"Quin." My roommate answers. My mother hums. What is going on?

"Nice to meet too, dear." My mother gives a genuine smile. "My daughter talks a lot about you. It actually worries me. Is she being rude to you?"

"Mum!" I shout. "What the fuck? I don't do that."

"Yes, she's really rude. She keeps making fun of my hair." Tegan touches her precious bangs and sticks her tongue out at me. I mouth a cuss word that my mother tsks at.

"Don't be rude, Sara." My mother instructs again. "And you, dear. Watch her, let her do her homework and study. She said you're smart and have an ambition. Teach her how to have one. All she wants to do is be a housewife, clean, have a child, and do nothing." Again with the stupid discussion.

"A housewife does things. You're a housewife, you should know." I scold, not caring about the stranger we forced into the conversation.

"Exactly! I do know. That's not a way to live your life. You study, get a degree, and know how to have a life full of independence. You don't know what happens in the future." I look at Tegan who is nodding slightly. I think it's just an act to show respect, even though I know she thinks the same. She's probably mocking my idea of wanting to be a housewife and nothing else. "You might need that degree to find a job when you need it, isn't that right, Tegan?" My mother asks, the way she did with Emy, the way she does around Rob, the way she does around everybody.

"I agree." Of course you do bitch-face.

"That's good. She's some good influence. Be around her." She said the same to Emy, Rob, the grocery dude she once ranted her dilemma to, the freaking doctor who gave her a physical last year, the woman at the bras section like three years ago, probably to the entire population of Canada. The older she gets the whinier she becomes. I feel so bad for Joy, having to grow up with old grumpy parents. "Alright, your sister wants to say hi. Luci as well."

"Oh yes, let me talk to them." I cheer up immediately when she reminds me of my cat and my sister. She leaves and a second later my sister and my cat in her lap take the seat my mother was sitting at. "Hiiii."

"Holy cow, who's that? She looks a lot like you. Do we have a cousin we don't know about?" My ten year old sister jumps in all of a sudden, the cat agrees, meowing along my sister's loud and youthful voice.

Tegan and I both look at each other with wide eyes then back at them. Her blue eyes are wide as well, staring at us. Then I look back at Tegan. "Okay, this is my sister Joy. And this is Lucifer."

"I hate cats." Tegan says, all of a sudden, and loudly. My sister covers my cat's ears and I gasp. "I'm scared of them. This cat is scary." I don't think Tegan is actually joking, she's an inch farther than before, and she's staring at my black cat as if it's some devil. "I can't even believe you named your cat the same name as the one in Cinderella." She says, still looking at the cat, who kind of seems to understand Tegan's distaste with him.

"Lucifer is the name of Satan. That's why Sara named him that." My sister says, with an attitude and a glare.

"Oh my god, that's even worse. Like you know cats are devils and want to eat us all and rule this world."

"What kind of lesbian are you? Hating cats? You're a weirdo." I say. "Plus, pussy doesn't eat you. You eat pussy."

"Sara, watch your damn mouth." My mother shouts from the background and I jump. Is this bitch spying on the chat?

"She eats cats?" Joy gasps, covering Lucifer's ears again.

"Your sister is here." Tegan says, looking at my sister, who has no clue what's going on, then back at me. The cat meows and my roommate jumps. My sister laughs.

"I take that back. We are so not related. She can't be a cousin." My sister doesn't know yet that I am adopted. My mother said we'll tell her as soon as she hits puberty...something about understanding it more. I think she has the family brains to understand whatever she wants, unlike me, not being able to understand that my parents are not my real parents until I was about thirteen.

"Sara, are you adopted?" And then there's Tegan, who understood it by a simple chat with my mother and sister that didn't last too long. She asks as soon as we finish talking to my sister.

"No?" I'm too good at denying it and making it seem so absurd that someone has asked. "Why the fuck do you think that?"

"You don't look like them." She shrugs.

"Just because they have blonde hair and blue eyes and I don't doesn't mean I'm adopted. I have a side with brown hair and brown eyes and one with blonde hair and blue eyes. As simple as that. I caught the ugly genes."

"Actually, you caught the hot and pretty genes. Your mum's a babe. Your sister is cute. You, on the other hand, you are a beauty." I pause for a second, looking at my roommate straight in the eyes, waiting for the mockery that was destined to follow this sentence. She leaves my bed and walks to her own. She lies down and sighs. Then I realize she actually means it. She means that I am beautiful, and oh God, I think it shatters all my solid pieces of will power and melts them. Am I falling? Please do not let me fall because of a stupid compliment. Bad girls do that, they compliment you to get inside your pants. "I think we should sleep. That was a long day." She whispers, yawning. I nod and switch off the lights, I watch her return her notebook in her backpack and then go to her bed.

"Tegan, you're beautiful too." I say, she turns to look at me and smiles.

"I know that." Fucking egocentric bitch-face. "Come sleep next to me?" I see her pout through the dimmed red light. I cannot, under any circumstances, resist the curling of these lips and the puffiness of them, asking me to do what her words ordered. I just move quickly and join her in her bed.

I don't know why but we both giggle as we get inside the blanket, covering our heads and getting as close to each other as we can. "Your feet are cold."

"It's getting cold." She says. "Though I'm really hot." She yawns, her minty breath hits my face but I don't distance us. "Going to take my t-shirt off, okay?"

"Okay." She sits up, and with one movement gets herself rid of the green material. "I'm gonna take my bra off...don't look." I say, hesitantly. I sit up as well, and she looks. I wait for her to turn her face and she keeps on looking.

"Take it from under your tanktop." She shrugs. I sigh and roll my eyes, pulling at the first strap and then the second. I unhook it from the back and it falls down on my lap. Tegan takes it before I could and I roll my eyes again, resting beside her again. "I miss not wearing bras while asleep."

"What's stopping you?" I take my bra away from her playing hands and throw it on my bed.

"My piercing would be a bitch to me, I'd injure myself in my sleep." I hum and we return to our past positions again. I'm glad her attitude is back to the Tegan attitude. Her silence kind of scared me. What if I have crossed the line? But that's Tegan anyway, she crosses all lines because that's how she is. "So tell me, how was the sex?"

"None of your business." I say slowly, making sure every breath that escapes my lips hits her face.

"Okay, fair enough. Emy and you are none of my business." I know she is mocking me. "Another question, did you touch yourself while you were in the shower?"

"No." She only asks and knows, I never ask and know nothing.

"Liar."

"Not." I say loudly. She snorts. "I'm not lying." I say with a regular tone.

"Okay." She hums melodically, in a way that suggest thinking. "So what's up with your back?"

"I told you, I fell in the shower. It was fucked up." Her feet keep hitting mine and it's irritating me. I steady her swaying by putting one foot forcibly on her ankles.

"But you said something about cortisone and your mum said something about you not walking. It must have been serious."

"Ya. Kinda was. I had to take all these cortisone injections to get rid of the inflammation, and I couldn't walk for a while, I had to use a wheel chair. Physical therapy helped me the most, though."

"Wow." She says after some silence. "That's like major shitty." I giggle at her reaction. "Like did you break your spine? Was it a disc? What the fuck were you doing in the shower?" I open my mouth to answer. "Wait, were you masturbating?" Her tone changes into a cunning one and I hit her arm, she takes the opportunity to knee my knee, but instead she ends up kneeing my crotch because of my sudden move to push her off, which ends up in her thigh between my legs.

Against my will, I let out a moan and squeeze her thigh between my two legs. The pressure she's sending to my clit is too good to let go. "Stay right there. Don't move." I whisper, my voice serious and coarse.

"Okay." She says the same thing, and I'm pretty sure she can feel the warmth of my crotch against her naked thigh.

"No I wasn't. I honestly still don't know what had happened. I'm just a clumsy bitch. I was washing my body and I slipped, then I fell and hit my back. It was all okay and I just felt a little pain. The next day it increased, and it kept increasing till I couldn't walk anymore. I don't even get what happened, honestly, but it's like a disc, like my joints and muscles all were infected and affecting my tendons and all." Her thigh isn't moving, the pressure is so great that I'm afraid I might actually come, and if so, then it means we've touched and I cheated. "Okay," I say right away, before she can ask me another question. "You know stuff about me but I don't know anything about you." She laughs.

"What do you wanna know?"

"How old were you when you had sex for the first time?" Is this really the most thing that's concerning me? Really Sara? I mean, yes, I want to know, but I also wanna know other things such as her plans for future, how's her mother like, whether she likes me or not...no...don't go there stupid mind. I'll just settle on the first question.

"Thirteen."

"Thirteen?" I say with a loud, exaggerated gasp. She pushes her thigh and I subconsciously hump it. "No, don't." I slap her arm and she snorts. "But dude, what the fuck? Thirteen? I barely knew about sex at thirteen."

"It wasn't really my choice." Her accompanying chuckle eases out of her lips with a hint of remorse.

"If you don't want to talk about it, let's not." My head goes to the darkest corners. To the darkest possibilities, my heart begins to thunder inside of me.

"No, it's not like that." She pushes her head closer to me. "I was just too young to realize what I was doing, that's what I meant." I'm not following her. "I used to spend so much time in this girl's house. She was my friend. She was twelve. I didn't even think about my sexuality back then or anything. I knew what sex is and all of that, but I never experienced it. I never even touched myself before that time." I hum, ushering for her to continue. "So she has an older sister and I was so fucking fascinated by that sister. She used to be so cool, and hears cool music, and wears cool stuff, and had cool hair. She was my role model in some way, you get it?"

"Ya." Her face is ringing against my chest. I don't know why she took shelter hiding in my bosom, but I believe she doesn't want to face me, or herself. I've studied about that, I know what that is. I know that she's trying to avoid her reality, she's trying to regain the thoughts from the unconscious, and right now I am playing her analyst's part. I don't know what it makes of me, a good friend, or someone who she cares about?

"So in the party she had all these guys and girls and there was drinking. Her parents weren't around. Sara and I were there as well."

"Your friend's name was Sara?" I try to get her to look at me, but I fail. Is she actually scared to look at me? I don't get what's happening to her.

"Yes. Just like you." A nervous giggle accompanies, high in pitch and loud. "Anyway," She sighs, I feel her breath against my chest. I move my hands and start rubbing her back, she giggles again and I feel like I'm being introduced to somebody else that I never thought I'd ever meet. Is this my Tegan? "So they were all playing drunk truth and dare and one of these dudes was like..."

"Please don't tell me you slept with one of them in some closet, without protection, and it was taped." I'm dreading the worst judging by her actions.

She laughs, shaking her head and hitting my breast with it, which hurts, but I do not say anything about it. "He was like let's include Tegan and Sara in the dare and embarrass the shit out of them." I sigh furiously. "So Chelsea was like okay. She was drunk too. I don't think she'd have done any of that if she was sober."

"Chelsea's your girl crush?"

"Oh, ya." I feel her lips on my neck, pressed there. We're touching, we're super close, but I can't let go, because I know it's not sexual, I know it's something stronger. It's that same bond I feel, I feel it all the time, it's connecting us. "They dared me to strip and I was like no first. But in order not to be called a loser, I stripped to my undergarments. They did the same with Sara."

"Oh my god, that's sick."

"They're really sick. Like that bitch dared us to have sex with each other, in front of them, all of them. And we did. Dude, it was her sister, she was not even thirteen, she's a child."

"These things actually happen?" I ask, because I thought such things are only made in films.

"They do." She sighs. "I just don't like to remember it because it makes me feel really sick. Like we were children, she was seventeen, she was getting turned on by her own sister and her sister's friend fingering each other in front of bunch of people."

"I'm sorry." I whisper...I also kiss her head...I did it again, I kissed a part of her, her head.

"It wasn't even fun. I didn't enjoy it. It kind of hurt, and I wanted to cry. We both cried in her room after it. Our friendship ended that day." Why the fuck did I ask? Clearly, she's traumatized by it. It's a bad childhood memory. I shouldn't have asked. "The thing is, Sara, that's not why it was so bad to me. Mostly, it's because it ruined my image of sex. First, I was being felt up by my step father at nine. It kind of ruined everything for me, then this thing happened. I was just super confused and upset all the time."

I think if I spoke up I'd say something I shouldn't say. She's freeing her mind on my body so quickly and casually while shaking and hiding from reality. I'm her shelter as well as the darkness of the room. I don't think she'll like remembering opening up in the morning. "Your step father..."

"I don't like to talk about that." She shuts me up. I expected it. "Ya. He used to feel me up when I was nine. I told mum. They got a divorce. End of story." She's still repressing everything. And I feel guilty for accusing her the other day. I feel guilty calling her a filthy man who does these things. Her actions are now beginning to be justified in front of me. Her childhood issues are on a silver plate in front of my eyes.

"We don't have to talk about it." I give her another kiss there. I don't want her to think I'm a judgmental person. I want her to know I'm a good friend. I care about her, she can trust me. Despite all the teasing, all the conflicts between us, all the tension, all the confusion that I feel, Tegan is still a human with feelings, it seems that I've forgotten that. It's so dangerous how a simple display of emotions got us even closer, and is making me fall more and more.

"Thank you." She pinches my arm, playfully. "You won't tell anyone. You won't mention it in the morning. You'll treat me the way you treat me. I'm just the same shitty, fucked up, always aroused Tegan with really hot boobs, okay?" I can't help not to giggle. I'm not only falling, I'm dying.

"Don't flatter yourself." I say, as if the previous minutes didn't happen.

"I have every right to, babe." She does the same. "By the way, you have majestic boobs, I'm like so comfortable right now. What a soft pillow. Never wear a bra again." She kisses my upper chest and I push her off quickly, making her fall on her pillow with loud laughter and snorting.

"You fucking pig." It's so easy to remember why she's so annoying. She perfects her part so well.

"Did you know you're like super wet?" I feel the heat climb up to my system. "Like my thigh is soaked, I wanna taste it." My anger is taking the best of me.

"I swear to god, Tegan." She knows how to get me angry. She can control my entire mood. She can do anything she wants and I'm a follower. Her words take me and return me. They dismantle me then construct me. They send me to hell then back to heaven. They simply control me.

"What? I'm just saying. Like we've already established that you're always wet, I'm always wet, we wanna fuck each other, but you love Emy." And here we are again, same old topic, the never ending conflict. "Next time we're both fucking ourselves together." She reads my thoughts before my mind even processes them, and I cannot wait for the next time.

"Okay." I bet she's grinning like the wicked piece of shit she is. "Let's sleep now, though. My back hurts." She's back closer to me. "Get your thigh back where it was so I can sleep." And my octave changes, my tone alters, she understands, she pushes her thigh where I want it the most. The throbbing eases, the pressure gives me satisfaction, I calm down and she does as well.


	8. Chapter 8

**Tegan**

I don't know why everybody is looking at me this way. I look at my left, at my right, and I see smirks, I hear whispers. Emy looks at me and Sara doesn't notice. I shrug at her and continue walking. I'm hungry and it's finally time for a little break. Sara joined Emy and I because she didn't have a class.

We find a table and we sit. Emy and Sara sit opposite to me. Sara takes a sip of her coffee and I focus on what's around me. Emy kicks my ankle and at first I think it's by mistake, until she kicks it again and gives me a strange look with her eyes. I squint mine in return, so she motions toward our left. I take a look and see both women I caused to fight over me looking at me dirtily. Then it hits me why everything looks like another scene of _Mean Girls_. I chuckle, rolling my eyes at them and start eating my sandwhich.

Sara looks at both Emy and I. I think she's comprehending what's going on. We don't make any visible expression to her. Emy chews with an open mouth irritatingly in order to distract her, then she smiles like an idiot showing her full teeth with bread on them. Sara pushes her lightly with a frustrated, girly "Ugh," and then Sara takes a bite of her chocolate chip cookie.

Whenever our eyes meet, she pauses and looks at me with scanning orbs for a few seconds, then she breaks the gaze and gets distracted by her food. Whatever happened last night is now forgotten, well at least to her.

I woke up alone. She was on her bed. Maybe I bothered her with sleeping. Maybe she felt whatever had happened was wrong. I'm glad she didn't mention it, though. Because when I woke up I remembered how much I had revealed to her. I never do that, if I do it, I instantly regret it. And I do regret it right now. She's not treating me any differently, but this part of me can't help but believe she sees me with a different eye right now. I don't want her to be careful with me. I don't want her to be soft. I like her the way she is. I know Sara's soft and tender, nice and sweet, but with me she's Sara, the real indifferent Sara, whom I really like spending time with.

I also really like how quickly things are moving. I don't think I have ever touched myself in front of any human being, except that time my mother caught me, but other than that, it never happened. I was so weak in front of her, I couldn't resist the temptation her eyes and her smile sent. But her turn will happen soon, she already can't resist me. I know she can't. It just needs a little time and I'll get in her pants. I'll fuck her so good and so hard, she'll love it. I have to buy a sex toy first, though. I have to get a strap on so I can use it on her. I like to think I'll be the first to do that since Emy revealed Sara didn't let her go there. But I'm not entirely sure she'll allow me to go there as well. But I'm Tegan, I know how to get her and where to get her. She'll melt like a fine piece of chocolate between my hands.

"You realize you're smiling like an idiot to yourself?" I look up, feeling the huge grin I didn't notice I had slowly disappear. I look at my friends and they're both staring at me. Sara giggles and says again, "Wow, and I thought I got so distracted. I wonder what's inside there." She points at my head as I shrug, sending a wink her way. Then I look at Emy, who's looking at her right. I look and I see the rocket coming towards us in full speed.

Shit.

"Emy, good thing you're here with these two," Sarah says with the most bitter, most fake, most disturbing smile I've ever seen. We all look at Ms. Witch, waiting for her to speak. "I just want to let you know that Sara is cheating on you with her." And she points at me, which makes me shake with loud laughter at the absurdity.

"And who told you that?" Emy asks, confidently and comfortably. But Sara Smith, damn, she's in different shapes of yellow, pink, and fear. I kick her feet under the table and she snaps out of her thoughts. I give her a very subtle look but she turns her head away and throws daggers from her eyes at the standing woman.

"Everybody knows it here. Also, Tegan gave both Lindsey and Theresa herpes when she slept with them. I just think you should watch out." I laugh again, almost choking on my water. Sara's eyes go wide and Emy looks at her roommate with a look that says:_ bitch, you're dumb_.

"Okay, Sarah, thanks for warning me." She rolls her eyes with a chuckle and faces me again. I'm still laughing after Sarah leaves and Emy joins me. But Sara is just staring at both of us with her hands wrapped around her chest.

"I might be a bit dense, but don't think that I haven't noticed what's going on." She scowls at me as she speaks with her bitchy tone. "What's going on?" God, she has the same look my mother has when angry with me. I cannot fight this look, it's like a disease, it circles me until I cave in.

"I kind of fucked both Lindsey then Theresa and made them fight over me." I shrug. But then I look at Emy biting her lower lip with her eyes wide open, obviously begging me not tell, but too fucking late, I think I just...

"What?" Sara yells. "You slept with both? When? God, you're impossible." Everybody around us hears her, everybody's looking at me. I don't know why she's yelling, why did her voice break when she said these words? I sit back and sigh, my reputation is already screwed at this university, great.

"I can sleep with whoever I want to. I only fucked them, I didn't let them fuck me. I just wanted them to fight because I don't like the way they treat you and what that bitch did to you." I say in defense. Emy slaps her forehead and Sara instantly looks at her, with eyes burning and freezing, all at the same time. Emy looks down and Sara shakes her head. I see her tears collecting around her lids and she stands up. So much drama is happening and everybody's looking. Why is my life such a chick flick?

"I told you not to tell. Fuck you," Emy says and follows Sara. What did I do?

I follow them because I feel like I should do that. I'm a bit late so I search everywhere and they're not around, but thank God I have a brain that thinks properly, I rush to my room and they're in there. Sara's mascara is making her look like a raccoon because of all the tears. Is that too mean? She looks like a cute raccoon, I'd suck her face...but that would probably not taste good.

"I'm so sorry, I'm telling you I'm sorry. It just happened in front of her, they were insulting you in front of her and she asked. Ask her." Then they both look at me and it doesn't exactly feel that great because these are not the sweetest looks I've gotten. "Isn't that right? I didn't mean to belittle her, tell her. She thinks I told you to make fun of her."

"You sure do trust your girlfriend," I say with a chuckle. Emy shakes her head at me and starts crying just like that, out of the blue.

I hate relationships. I hate tears. I hate drama, and what I'm seeing right now is childish drama. I've had enough with my mother, I left thinking I'll live my life with ease from now on now that I left her, but I was wrong, lesbian drama is ten times worse than my mother's drama.

"She's right, you don't even trust me," Emy says. I sit on my bed and watch the soap opera.

"I do," Sara shouts. "I let you touch my body and see it." I chortle until I'm glared at. Maybe this is a sitcom. "I just don't want people to know I'm lame, I don't want _her_ to know I'm lame."

"I'm sorry. I'll just go." Emy rushes to the door. Well this is weird. These two are absolutely weird.

I follow Emy and pull her hand outside of the room. "What do you want? Let me go." She pushes me off and I sigh. How do I do this?

Okay, Tegan, think like Sonia, act like Sonia, what would Sonia do in such a situation? "Shhh, calm down. Stop crying. You don't want people to see you crying. They'll think the rumors are true."

"What do I care? She's probably in love with you." I wonder if Emy knows about all the mystery between Sara and I. I don't even know what's going on between us, but something is definitely going on.

"No. She's not. Don't be silly. She's a bitch to me." She's not, but I have to lie. "Look, I'm sorry. I forgot. She just got me angry." I think I'm good, I think that's how Sonia would want me to do it.

"Our relationship is fucked up. It's just is," she mumbles and walks away like a sand storm. I honestly do feel terrible. It is all my fault, isn't it? I caused the lesbian drama. I shouldn't have interfered. Who am I to do that?

But I couldn't. I hated the way they insulted her. I hated how silent Emy was about it. I couldn't do that, she's my roommate and I like her. I mean, she's Sara!

I find Sara on her bed, weeping her exhausted lungs out and staining her pillow with her dark eyes. She's on her side so she's looking at me. "I'm sorry," I whisper but she doesn't respond. I don't understand why she feels so bad about me knowing. "I'm really sorry," I say louder while walking to her. "Sara," I climb up the bed and sit beside her thighs. "don't feel bad. You're not lame. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, I wish I am. I wish I had a special first time." I swallow my saliva, as if I wanted to swallow the words I just released. Around her everything seems easier to let it out of my chest, but here comes the regret.

"Everything is messed up," she says. "What we're doing is so wrong yet I can't help it. And I really don't like you pitying me. Why did you fuck them?"

"I couldn't really bear hearing them so bitchy to you. I had to do something."

"You should turn the other cheek, don't you know that?"

"No. I never do that. I fight back."

"But did that get you anywhere?" She rests on her back and wipes her tears.

"No, but at least I tried." I shrug and look at her face, her small eyes, her plump lips, her adorable nose, her jaw, her skin, and then my eyes descend down and I look at her grey top, I look at her breasts, then at her tummy, and then down at her white pants until I reach her socked feet.

I feel like I belong to her body, I've never felt this way. Girls attract me, just not this way. The sensation is unique, new...delicate. I want to enfold her and lay my head above her soft chest. She's delicate and warm.

"Why do you look at me like that?" she asks, wiping more tears.

"Like what?"

"Like I scare you."

"You mean like you turn me on," I correct her, smiling at her with a drumming chest.

"No." She shakes her head. "Like I scare you." Fucking Psychology people. Yes, she scares me because I want her. Yet, I can't have her. And I'm also scared that I want too much of her, knowing I can't give too much to her. "When did you fuck them?" She changes the topic and I look at her once again instead of looking at our hands intertwined without much realization.

"Yesterday," I whisper.

"Oh." A soft chuckle escapes her soft lips. "Now I understand why Emy insisted we spend time in her room. It was all a plan?" she asks, but then she continues, "Stupid plan." She huffs.

"Ya," I agree. "Stupid plan." I huff as well, more irritatingly.

**...**

I'm starting to think Emy is falling for me. I'm also starting to think I'm sliding down the same road when it comes to Sara. I try not to think about it too much.

I wanted to make Emy feel better so I took her with me to the cafe' while I worked. She didn't say much as last time but she kept looking at me. She also told me that Sara and I look a lot alike and it confuses her at times. She said she wouldn't mind having us both sleeping with her. My eyes went wide and then she said she's just joking. She told me that Sara's rough in bed when she's not making love. I guffawed but it didn't seem like it's something to laugh at. She said she and Sara needed a change, something to spark up their relationship.

Then Emy started asking me questions about where I'm from, what's it like in Calgary, and what did I want to do after college. I answered all of them and she smiled at whatever I said. It's that smile any girl infatuated with me would smile. Then she asked me whether I wanted to have a family in the future, get married, or just be like that. I asked what did she mean by_ like that_ and she answered, "Break hearts and move on." I squinted my eyes at her and I said to her that sure I did want all of that but I didn't think these things will happen to me. When she asked me why, I didn't have a clear answer. I didn't want to tell her that I didn't think anybody would love me. I don't want people to know I have a side that's less confident than what I project. Except Sara, I think it's too late by now. I've already cried and felt bad about myself in front of her. I just answered Emy that I felt like I'm too pragmatic to fit in the marriage and family institution.

Emy also told me about how she wished she and Sara would end up getting married after college and having a family. She told me that they already made plans that Sara would carry. And if they had a second child, then Emy would be the one carrying. Selfishly, I didn't like the idea. I felt like it's too far-fetched. I told Emy she's being too silly. Emy seemed as if she had already noticed it. She told me that with the way they're going, all these dreams seemed so far away. Selfishly again, I rejoiced in hushed silence inside my brain.

Something within me doesn't want to see the family they'll form. If I see it I'll die of jealousy. I know I will. I want Sara to free float like myself. Emy can go have whoever she wants to have and form a foundation full of lies and deceit with them. As for Sara, she's better off alone, free floating with me.

**...**

A mellow, dulcet tone rings in my ears as I open my door and enter my room. Sara's on her bed, guitar in hand and lyrics flowing out of her heart. She doesn't stop when she sees me staring. Her voice is sweet and mellifluous, making me smile instantly. I walk over to her bed and she smiles at me. She's not shy about sharing the tune or the intriguing words I'm hearing.

_"I would go to jail with only boys _

_Just to prove I was as tough as you_

_And when I get out for good behavior _

_I'll be writing love songs _

_Silly banging knee songs."_

I place her Espresso Macchiato on her bedside table and place the cupcake next to it. Then I sit back again, next to her, and she keeps staring at me.

_"I'm a car crash _

_But I have to get up_

_And every morning it's a cleanup_

_All I need is time, time to love you."_

Sara sings and I chew the piece of cake. I sway my head without much awareness, which makes her giggle half way through the song. I smile again, I admit, a bit coyly. She stops the song and takes a fine gulp of her coffee.

"You wrote this?" I ask as we share what I brought like each day.

"Yup," she says proudly.

"Even the words?"

"Yes." She giggles after responding to my bewilderment.

"You're fucking good. Wow." I touch the guitar her girlfriend got her for her birthday. "Is it about Emy?"

"No," she responds quickly. I look at her and nod. "It's not about anyone," she says again.

"How can you not write about anyone? It just seemed like it's about someone. The part of needing time to love whoever you were addressing seemed like it's about Emy. You know, kind of like you're not sure of wanting to love that person, but with time you know you'll love them. So you need time, because you're kind of scared to love them and with time this fear will go away. So it seemed about Emy."

"I already love Emy," she says. "I just write what I think. It doesn't have to be about anyone." I nod, toying with the strings of her guitar, making an awful sound with my inexperienced digits. "Did you like it?"

"I did," I answer. "It's so beautiful."

"Thank you," she says, removing my hand away from her guitar. "Please stop this harmful noise you're making."

"Meanie." I sit closer to her and push her shoulder gently. But she winces and pushes my hand away. "How are you feeling?"

"My back hurts." I was asking about what happened today, but sure, I'll take that as an answer. "Will you make your hands useful and give me a small massage?" Yes, sure, totally, I love the change of the subject. "I'd ask Emy but we're not really talking." Good, great, fantastic.

"Okay. Lie down, on your tummy," I say as if I have no care about her request. But let's be honest, my sexual organs are all already too excited, as well as my hands.

Sara does as she's asked. I rub my hands together, smiling excitedly while placing my crotch above her butt. "Take your shoes off, and don't do something naughty."

"What do you mean by something naughty? I never do naughty things," I tease her while doing what she asked me to do. I return again where I was and she groans. "Where is the pain?"

"My lower back, right where you're sitting."

"Oh, sorry." I lift my self up and use my knees to sit up instead. "I was sitting on your bum by the way." My hands begin to caress her clothed back softly. The texture of her top is banning me from giving her a great feeling. "Is this good? I think your shirt should go."

"A bit lower, Tegan. It's my lower back. Oh yes, right there." She moans loudly when I hit the spot. It's actually a clearly swollen spot that's on the left side of her back, just above her bum.

I lift her top just a tad and focus on the spot, which makes her squirm and moan. I am clearly pressing on the pain and it's relieving her. "Is that where you fell? It seems swollen, kinda." The dimples in her back attract me to stare and look. The elastic of her blue undies is making itself clear from beneath her white pants.

"Yes, I hit the edge of the tub. It keeps going to my leg. The pain I mean, it keeps spreading to my thighs and legs." She sighs under my touch and I sigh as I keep looking at her milky skin and at the shape of her cute bum. It's so full and cute, I just want to squeeze it, or stare at it.

I lower her pants just a tad without her noticing and her underwear gets pulled down with it. I smile when I'm met with her butt crack and love handles. I lower a bit more till I'm kicked between my legs by her own leg.

She turns around quickly and pulls me by my polo shirt on top of her. In this glorious moment, I can't help but think _this is it I've won, we're going to fuck till our_ _pussies ache_. But then I see the shark underneath me open her mouth and I yell, pushing her a tad roughly and sitting up again before she gets a chance to bite me.

I try to control my breathing and I hear her doing the same. I look at what's in front of me and I see Sara's bare mound right in front of my eyes. Well, only half of it, only the part I lowered of her pants. "Had anybody taught you the term of consent, Tegan?" she says while raising up her underwear, but keeping her pants low.

I don't answer her. I just stare at her as she stares at me. I don't know why I don't answer her. We only sit there for a while until she starts crying for no reason at all. "Why are you crying?" I sit up and look at her. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Keep massaging you idiot. And ask next time. You have a voice, use it," she says and I feel confused. She continues resting on her back and I feel even more confused. "Take my pants off and give me a body massage," she orders all of a sudden.

I'm faster than the wind, I do what she says and she adds more by taking her op off. We're moving to a new place, a new area of discovery. She's in her undergarment lying between my discovering hands and I am touching her silky flesh. She's soft, oh God, she's so soft and tender and delicate. Did I say delicate? Yes, I did.

I'm trying so hard not to objectify her, I'm trying to be the good person she thinks I am. I know she thinks I'm good, otherwise she wouldn't have trusted me in touching her this way. I know I have my flaws and I know I take it all out on myself and the girls I touch, but I'm trying my best because I want her to be satisfied with me. I don't know exactly why her opinion matters to me but it does. Maybe because she's much older than I am, but she doesn't really make me feel like she's older. We're equal when it comes to thoughts, actions, and words, I'd say, but all of me want to devote all that in me to her.

I have to say though, what I love mostly about her body is those stretch marks she hates so much. The pattern makes me hypnotized, it makes me want to kiss all the lines on her thighs, and whatever she's hiding inside the piece of fabric she's wearing.

"Your hands work magically," she says softly, all of sudden, pulling me out of my enchantment. She turns her head and looks at me with a smile. "It's turning me on, though." She bites her lower lip. Her eyes are swollen with redness and her cheeks are sticky with tears but she's so beautiful even with that.

"Pretty sure the pacific ocean is flowing in my underwear right now." I grin at her and she giggles. "You know what's really good with massages?" She shakes her head. "The vibrator I've got you." Before she could glare, I continue, "I swear. I used it before. I used to love it. Like it gives you a pussy massage and a great orgasm. Don't you want that?"

"You used mine?" She turns around to face me once again.

I snort at her reaction. "No. I meant I used it." This doesn't explain so I try again, "A woman used it on me when I was fifteen. It was the first toy I tried. It's still my favorite. I really love the dildo, but this one is just so fucking amazing."

She literally pokes my crotch with her finger and says, "You had the dildo in you?" She sneezes then continues, "Thought you're the_ fuck 'em all, don't let 'em fuck_ _ya_ type of gal."

"No, that's you." She raises her eyebrows at me. "Try the wand, try it now. You don't have to be naked. Try it over your underwear. You're pretty wet." I only noticed she's wet when she turned around and faced me. Even though her legs are closed, I can still see the wetness her thighs are trying to cover.

"Go get it," she says lowly. "In my closet. In a yellow box, right next to my green blanket."

It's next to the dildo, but it's still in its own box. I also find lube in the box and a picture of myself when I was a baby...wait, what's this picture of myself when I was a baby doing in Sara's box? Holy shit, did she steal it? Where did she even get it from? I don't remember getting this picture with me. Maybe it was in my wallet. Does that mean Sara looked into my wallet? Oh no, it probably fell out of my pocket when I was playing stripper with Emy the other day. It's weird she keeps my picture, it's weird it's in her sex toys box.

Sara's so weird.

"You were looking at my sex toys, weren't you?" she asks me when I return. "I knew you'd do that." She doesn't mention the picture, therefore, I don't mention it. "Okay, that was not a smurf in there, it was a dildo."

"No shit." I roll my eyes at her and plug the toy I've gotten her. She sits up and takes it from my hand. I sit in front of her as she discovers how to use it. "It doesn't have speeds. Just turn it on or off. Put it on that wet spot." I motion with my head at her slightly parted legs.

"I don't come easily. I want you to strip to your underwear and do it in front of me as well." She turns it on, giggles, then turns it off.

She doesn't have to tell me twice. I was just waiting for her cue to get rid of my clothes. "You humped a stuffed bear and came, pretty sure you come easily. I can never come by humping only." She parts her legs in front of me. I have no idea where that confidence came from but she's surprising me with something new each day. I do the same and we both laugh at the bigger wet spot that's staining my black underwear.

"That was a four hours process."

She shrieks right after she puts the head of the wand above her clit. I snort with my loud laughter and she kicks me with her foot. I take a hold of it and let it lay above my thigh.

"And you wonder why your back hurts you?" I shake my head at her, but then I focus and I see that she's no longer listening to me. She's massaging her own breasts and her lips are parted, her eyes are closed, and her face is showing nothing but pure ecstasy.

We begin our secret intercourse, without it being an intercourse. We face each other, look at each other, and touch ourselves while smiling at each other. The toy seems like it's too rough on Sara's sensitive parts, she squirms and laughs and shrieks whenever she directs it right on her clit. Her underwear is so wet and so tight, it's giving me blurry picture of her pussy. My two fingers are already inside of my drenched and aching core after I have given my folds and clit the proper play they needed. I wish I can squeeze and touch my breasts the way Sara's doing to herself, but I can't because of the piercing. I only massage the flesh I own while I watch my roommate kneading and squeezing her lovely tits with everything within her. Whenever she jumps because of the vibration, she squeezes more. I wish I can kiss her neck as well. When she throws her head back and slightly humps the toy, something within me lights up and my pussy cries for more. I wish she'd eat me out with her luscious lips. I wish I can just hold her, or let her hold me and let her hand squeeze everything in me the way she's doing to her heavy breasts.

I don't know how it happened, but right now Sara's on her side with the toy squeezed between her legs, humping all that she can find from air or the toy itself. Her eyes are tightly shut and her hand holding mine, squeezing it as well. My other hand is in my drenched underwear, building me up as I stand in front of Sara's face. She hisses and screams and I do the same. She's riding the toy and I'm fucking myself. Sweat is coating our bodies and fatigue is drowning the both of us.

"When you come, look at me," I say breathlessly. "I'm gonna come. Please come with me." I squeeze her hands and she opens her eyes, they're begging me for something but I'm not sure what is it. I continue staring at her golden tired eyes and she stares at mine as well. She has abused her lower lip with all the biting and they're puffy but I can't kiss them because she doesn't allow me to do so.

"I'm..." She doesn't continue, she wheezes and pants, her lower half is swaying like a gentle calm wave while I know nothing is calm about the rush of pressure in that region.

I know how it feels. It approaches closer, especially when I notice her breasts squeezed for me to stare at, so lovely, so beautiful, so full, and so red with heat and excitement.

"Now," she shouts and I think she's coming.

I thrust my two digits so quickly I hurt myself on the way but I don't care about the pain because it generates wild joy to my core and makes me lose it, joining Sara and having the best orgasm I've had by my own self since ever.

She holds onto me when I lose my balance and fall next to her. I almost fell on her face but she held onto my sweaty armpits and adjusted me to land safely right next to her heaving chest.

I get a hold of the toy and shut it off. I also get a hold of her puffer and give it to her. It's like she's not even awake and it scares me. But then I realize she's just tired and exhausted. She helps her lungs and lies down next to me. She closes her eyes and falls into a peaceful sleep while I stay awake, thinking about how terrible we both smell and about what have just happened. I also think about wanting to touch her so badly but I respect all of her and tame all of me so I won't lay my hand on top of any part of her exposed or not exposed skin. So I just lie down next to her until I lose my consciousness to the unconsciousness of sleep.

And this is how it all starts between Sara and I. This is when our story starts taking a new route, starts swimming in a new stream, starts gliding down a new mountain peak, and starts entangling with things bigger than us. It all starts with admiration and infatuation, then we start touching ourselves in front of each other. We repeat this routine almost everyday, we do it whenever we're free, we do it whenever we can. I want to touch her badly but now I can admit that she has gotten me right where she wanted. She's making me do what she wants. I look at her body and she looks at mine and we come. Whenever I think of kissing her she pushes me off and tells me the golden rule that she has made up to believe her own lies: no touching, no cheating.

Speaking of cheating, she and Emy are so not on good terms but I am the link that mediates between the two. Yes they speak. They talk. They sit together but Sara told me that they haven't really had sex for the previous two weeks. I feel terrible because I can feel Emy's sadness encompassing me whenever I sit with her and listen to her. I think Emy's suspicious and wary of Sara and I's closeness.

Sara and I have gotten even closer. We started speaking a lot. I talked to her mother more and more and I'm helping her with her exams and studying for them as well. She's trying her best to do better that she actually finished studying for a test as well as revised all on her own without me pushing her to do so the other day. The result was her getting a good mark, not the best, but to her it's the best mark she's ever gotten. She showed it to her mum and we had a video chat party. After that we did our ritual and she allowed me to use the vibrator I've gotten her, as a reward for herself, not for me, because it turned her on to see me so _shaky, sweaty, and weak_...she said that.

I believe Sara has many fantasies about dominating me, or dominating anybody, but I want to believe it's only me. I'll make sure to tell her that if she will let us have sex I'll let her top me the way she wants to top me. I have to touch her and I need to do that.

**...**

"It's weird you're not disgusted of me anymore." I hand Sara the spoon and the ice cream container we're sharing. I actually brought two spoons, one for me and one for her. She ate from mine. When I asked her, she said she forgot, but she continued eating from mine.

"How many times do I have to tell you I was never disgusted in the first place?" she says. "Now I know you're a clean human being and I like getting closer to you."

"So why don't you ever touch me? Or let me touch you?" She hands me back the container.

She licks the remnants of the Peanut Butter Cup ice cream on her lower lip then says, "You know why." I take an angry bite of my ice cream and glare childishly at her. "You're cute when angry," she says.

"Not funny," I say.

"Tell me, Tegan," she says, "how come you don't want me to see your mother when you talk to her? I've seen Jeremy." I purse my lips together and shrug.

"I don't know. I never thought of it."

"Oh," she says. "I thought you just didn't want me to meet her."

"Nope," I say. "She's just too fixed on her new boyfriend lately, I haven't even gotten a chance to speak to her properly."

We don't say much anymore. We watch the show Sara is watching. It's boring, it's making me want to fall asleep. We finish all the ice cream and I lie down, with my head on her lap. I don't know why but she starts stroking my hair, I also don't know why but it makes me feel a tingling sensation inside my entire body, my chest specifically, then it descends to my lower abdomen, which cramps slowly then rests, it cramps again and rests. My heart starts beating and my stomach aches. It's a feeling I haven't ever gotten before. I lift my head and look up at her. She lowers hers and looks at me. She smiles and I smile back. She pokes my nose and cups my face.

"Don't you ever want to fall in love, Tegan?" she asks me. I swallow and keep looking at her because I'm too dazed, too enchanted, too tantalized to focus. "Don't you ever want to have a family? A kid? A cute little baby? They'll call you mommy and you'll buy things for them and spoil them?"

"You and Emy both asked me that question," I say.

"She did?" Sara asks. I nod. "Well?"

"Don't I have to fall in love with someone first? I don't know how that will happen, I feel like it won't. But if I did fall in love with someone, then sure, why not? Wanna know a secret?" She nods, still stroking my growing bangs. "I made a deal with Jeremy that he'll be my donor if I ever wanted to have a kid." I giggle after revealing that.

"I made the same deal with Rob," she says. "But I hope his girlfriend will allow it, she's a bitch." She sighs.

I toy with the hem of her hoodie and ask, "How did you come out to your parents?"

She looks down at me once again. "I've always known I'm gay," she says. "But the epiphany happened when I was fifteen. I was like that's it, I have to be gay, I'm probably gay."

"You've never kissed a guy?"

"I told you I haven't...well, Rob kissed me really quickly when we were nine, does that count?" I nod. "Well then, that's the only time," she says. "I'm the kind of person who cannot hold a secret too much in my heart. It's a bad thing, I know. So ya, I sat my parents down and had this whole dramatic speech, full of weird English words I've learned from books, and then I cried and sobbed. My sister was one year old or something and she was having the most fun, she was giggling and I was so angry that it was making my parents laugh, so I just threw the bomb, I was like, _'mum, dad, I'm gay. You either accept it or accept it'_. And then I cried again."

"Wow."

"Ya." She sighs in content. "They were so shocked, so I kept crying. I mean it took them two days to recover from the shock and speak to me. They came into my room and my mum was all crying and shit. She hugged me and my dad was like the caring dad, he came bearing candy and chips as if I was five. Anyway, they gave me this whole speech about loving me no matter who I am and who I love and they always felt that I am special because I was their miracle, blah, blah, blah. You know, the same shit you see in chick flicks."

"What do you mean you're a miracle?" I ask about the point that attracted me the most.

"Oh..." Sara pauses. "My mother, she had troubles conceiving, like lots of them." She nods and I do too. "Umm, when she was pregnant with Joy she thought she hit menopause, actually. Turned out she's just knocked up. You have no idea how disgusted that made me feel when I found out." I giggle at her reaction. "So ya, then they had two miracles."

"Cute," I say. "I came out to my mum at fourteen, when I was sure I was into girls. I just told her that I'm gay while we were eating lunch outside. She kept staring at me waiting for me to say that I was kidding and when I didn't she was like, _'wow, really?'_ And I said, '_yes, really'_. So ya, she told my dad and he didn't give a fuck."

"So it was easy for you."

"I guess I can say that."

I snake my hand underneath her hoodie till I meet the warm skin of her belly. I squeeze the folds which have gathered as she sat down and pat the soft skin. I lift my hand up till I'm met with the cups of her bra. She looks at me all of a sudden and I bite my lip. "Let us."

"No." She pushes my hand away from her and shifts in her seat. "You do it if you want."

"What about you? We do it together."

"I'm perioding, I shan't."

"You sh...what?" Peals of laughter ring in my ears, coming from me and her. I sit up and shake my head. "Your use of words makes me wonder whether you're from another planet at times._ Perioding_?_ Shan't_? _My person_?_ Bitch-face_? What more? Oh, oh, the other day you said some weird word, what was it?"

"Boobage?" I cackle as she says it again.

She said and I quote,_ "Keep your boobage off my face."_ I was trying to distract her from her video game, by stuffing my...boobage in her face. Video games are the only thing she's not distracted away from.

"Boobage isn't a weird word. My mother actually used it. She has small breasts, I have big ones. I took one of her dresses for a dance at high school once and it didn't fit me in the chest area. So she was like, 'How are we gonna cover his whole boobage issue?'" l'm laughing like a maniac while Sara's telling the story. It isn't even that funny, but the way she imitated her mother's voice and the facial expressions she has pulled all make me laugh and laugh.

"You wore a dress? And had to cover your boobage?" I laugh more, throwing my legs.

"Yup." She nods.

"I'm gonna touch myself," I announce. She nods again.

I push down my sweatpants but I'm not lucky enough to catch my underwear pulling its own self down with it, revealing the hair covering my mound to Sara's dilated eyes. I quickly pull my underwear back up and try not to look at her face again. My heart starts beating and I begin to sweat without knowing why. I'm too used to have her masturbating with me that I can't really relax and let myself undress or unfold in front of her scanning pupils.

"Do you ever shave down there?" And the question she asks strips off all the confidence that I once had. I swallow hard and change my mind about touching myself.

"I...I do, just...I..." I pull my pants up again, attempting to sit up and deal with the change of the mood that hit me all of a sudden far away from Sara.

"Where are you going?" With her palm she forces me to sit down. "Is it because of what I asked?" When I don't give her an answer she continues, "I...it was just a question. I don't care if you shave or not."

"Emy told me you don't like hair."

"It's not that." She sighs. "I just...I used to think it's dirty." She pauses and then continues, "I don't anymore. I mean I'm trying to accept it. I like your hair." She blushes intensely and I give her no reaction. "Just touch yourself, I'm not judging."

"I do shave, just not always. I mean I'm not sleeping with anyone at all, so ya," I try to explain as I rid myself of my sweatpants again.

"Tegan," she says, "I don't care. I like you...like that." She gives me a look...or _the look_. It assures me. This look is like a glimmering shiny hypnotizing object that she radiates from her eyes till it reaches my brain until I cave in and rest on her lap. I touch myself once again in front of her and bring myself to my orgams as she holds my hand and kisses the skin that covers my bones.

**...**

This whole thing begins to irritate me. With every orgasm I cause to myself I become more depressed. I was known for my high spirits and lack of care. I was known for my optimism and my sense of humor. But now I'm just an eighteen year old with such a lack of confidence, a high tendency of quick irritation and unrecognized anger, violence to my spongebob pillow, and crying fits in the bathroom out of both sexual and emotional frustration.

All caused by the evil witch Sara Smith.

I'm not sure if she is noticing the change that's altering in my personality, or the weakness I've been projecting, especially after I come while she's looking at me, but if she is I'm very positive she's causing it. The more I spread my legs in front of her eyes the more I lose it and the more I want her touch to become near. I have no idea as well why this is causing me to be so down and so sad all the time. A part of me is chewing on every small feelings inside when I see Emy and Sara flirt in front of my eyes. It's jealousy I know by now but I don't know what for and why is it happening. And the fact that I continue being haunted by images of Sara and Emy having sex or as they call it _making love_ makes me want to scream so loud and kick everything around me like a child. All I get is a scene of Sara in her underwear, her hands inside of them, fingering herself while I can't touch her.

It's torture, it's pain in its realest shape that it drove me crazy, it made me yell at my mother for talking about her new boyfriend. It's making me bitter, I hate being bitter, I'm not a bitter person. All of this drove me to do the bad deed, which is hitting Sara and shoving her roughly till she fell off.

Sara didn't do anything, she told me to get help. We didn't talk for about three days but I apologized and she said she understands...whatever that is. Maybe it's something them analysts understand, she's already acting like one with every good mark _I_ help her earn.

**...**

When I woke up, I didn't find Sara. It's Saturday, so she's probably with Emy, this alone angered me and made me kick everything around. Sara didn't even tidy nor clean the room. I hope the dildo gets stuck inside Emy's vagina and they'd have to perform a surgery to get it out, but it wouldn't get out and her vagina would become so huge and big with a dildo inside and Sara wouldn't sleep with her ever again so she'd have to sleep only with me.

But she probably wouldn't even sleep with me because I'm a heart breaker apparently. As if she hasn't broken my heart this past month millions of times with every orgasm she made me cause to myself without even giving me one single kiss.

I don't even bother to change my clothes in the bathroom. I don't care anymore if she'll come all of a sudden. I don't even know why we're doing it in our underwear, I'm pretty sure she's seen my breasts many times, each time I sneak my hand inside my bra to massage them.

And here I am arguing with this stupid bra because I'm too damn hot and frustrated to know how to hook it. I kick Sara's chair and I groan loudly.

Sara opens the door and enters quickly. "I went to get us breakfast and coffee," she says. I turn around with hot tears beginning to flow out of my eyes. For one second I thought she'd be inside with Emy, both bragging about their morning sex, but I'm wrong, she's just here with coffee and pancakes.

She furrows her brows and I continue crying. It's mollifying me and I can't stop. "Tegan?" She walks up to me after placing the food and the coffee on the coffee table. "What's wrong?"

At first I don't say anything, I just shake my head to convince her that nothing is wrong. But then she comes closer and now she's touching my face with her soft, calming touch and looking at me as if she's someone who cares.

Which makes me cry more.

"Everything is wrong," I finally say. "I'm so..." I kick her chair then sit on it, letting my bra unclasped but still covering my breasts. "I just woke up angry, I don't know why. Everything is making me angry. I woke up hot and bothered and I'm so fucking sexually frustrated, I hadn't had sex in two months. And touching myself while looking at you isn't helping. My mum is so in love with this new dude and I saw his picture, he looks like ..." I sniffle and let out a disgusting sob.

Sara kneels in front of me and puts her hands above my exposed thighs. "Continue," she says. "Let it all out. I'm listening."

"Ya..." I pause again, taking a breath. "I hate the man she's in love with, he looks like he just eloped from his funeral." Sara laughs. "I'm serious. He looks like a pedophile...he looks like...that man who used to touch me." I breathe, finally getting it off my chest. She nods, she_ understands_...I mean that's what she says. "And my boobs really hurt and this bra won't fucking clasp itself and I'm horny, I'm really horny. I want to get fucked, okay." She dilates her eyes after I continue yelling at her.

Sara helps me up and I'm her fucking robot, I stand up. She turns around and tries to hook my bra. "I'm pretty sure this bra is two sizes smaller than your breasts, that's not even good." She clasps it and turns around. Her eyebrows rise on their own when she looks at my cleavage.

"Ya. I told you my boobs hurt. My nipples I mean. I want something tight."

"Pretty sure that's not going to help. They probably hurt because you're horny," she says. "Let's ease your tension, shall we?" Sara winks at me.

Then Sara strips off her clothes and remains in her undergarments as well. Great. here we come with our routine. Is she even going to get it?

I don't even get it, I don't get me or what I want, she'll never get it.

Sara begins touching herself and I do the same. Same old routine. We begin slow, massaging our breasts, except the padding of my bra isn't allowing me to feel anything. Her bra is so thin that I can make up how hard her nipples are, I bet they hurt like mine.

Sara is on the sofa and I'm on her chair. I can't get myself into the mood because of my anger. My bra starts to irritate me so I simply unclasp it and throw it away. This makes Sara pause and look at me. Correction, it makes her pause and look at my breasts. She looks for too long that I unconsciously move my hands there and try to cover them.

This gives her the wrong suggestion, she moves her hands and cups one breast, starting to knead and massage. I start doing the same after getting myself rid of that hellish material and I feel much better.

I start getting wet. I look at her other hand and it's clearly circling her clit. I do the same and then I start stroking my lips and dipping my finger in my slit. Clearly, Sara does the same. Silky underwear barely cover a thing and I'm thankful. I touch my nipple and she quickly does the same. But I can't really do much but circle softly because I'm not a fan of pain, therefore, Sara does the same.

Then it happens, Sara pushes her bra down and reveals one breast. I gasp and stare. I blink, and then stare again only to find her bra is completely gone. Her lips are parted and her face...well that's another case. I really hope she's not getting an asthma attack.

I stare at her breasts. Same size as mine...mine are a bit perkier, hers are rounder. Her nipples are pink and hard, just like mine. She has a mole on the side of her left breast, it's tiny and can barely be seen, but I see it because I'm focusing too much. That's what Emy sees and touches and puts in her mouth, Emy's lucky and I'm more jealous.

My jealousy births anger and anger births rougher work to my cunt. I circle and she does as well, I tease myself and she does tease herself as well. I spread my legs more and she does too. I push a digit inside just to see if she's going to push one or two and I'm pretty sure she does it like me, she pushes only one finger. I notice that Sara's doing everything like I'm doing, therefore, I lower my underwear, I take it off and I expose my bare mound and my whole cunt to her, with my finger inside.

Right now I'm pretty sure she's having an asthma attack.

She's taking her underwear off...Oh fuck, she's taking her underwear off.

Holy fuck.

She closes her legs slightly and sneaks her hand between them, she refuses to look in my eyes, she's so quiet. I can still see everything, though. Her beautiful pussy, oh God, so beautiful, so delicious. I want to lick her and suck her engorged clit and I want to fuck her with my tongue and pull at her lips.

Emy gets everything and I only get to look and control my need to touch her.

I spread my legs because I don't care, but she doesn't do the same because she's dying of embarrassment already. I push two finger and begin the quick and rough motion, thrusting inside myself. Everything is too much and it's basically like watching live porn. It doesn't take me much to start losing it. I begin to make embarrassing sounds of frustration and sexual tension. I use my other hand to help me with my clit. Sara's other hand is performing art on her breasts.

I wonder if she's wishing that I'm touching her the way I'm wishing I'm touching her as well. I wonder if she's wishing she's touching me the way I'm wishing I'm touching her. I wonder what's in her brain, I can't take it, I want her to say something.

"What are you thinking?" I ask breathlessly.

"You shaved," she says.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She's fucking annoying. I hate her, God.

"You have a nice body." She can barely let out her sentences, I know she's super close, but I want her to say that she wants me.

"I fucking want you. I want to fuck you. Can't you fucking get it?" I yell at her. She doesn't say anything because she's already riding her orgasm. I can tell because her toes are curled and her eyes are tightly shut. This sight alone does not only build me up but throws me to my own orgasm all of a sudden and with too much tension that I punch Sara's desk and escape a cringe-worthy suppressed moan until I rest.

"I know," she says. But I'm so dazed I can't focus on that. "I'm sorry about that. Maybe you should sleep with someone else. I'm dating Emy." I look up at her and suddenly feel stupid and disgusting. I close my legs and sigh. Ya, maybe I should sleep with someone else. Fuck her. "I think it's better we keep it like that between us...so no one gets hurt." She's already starting to dress herself. "Come on, let's eat," she says again and I nod.

I'm not an emotional, heartbroken, lover. I'm not my mother. I'll be okay.


	9. Chapter 9

Hello dear readers. If you have any question regarding any of the stories I'm posting, you can ask me on Tumblr to clarify if the PM system in here does not suit you. I hate the fact I cannot respond to your feedback or comments when you are guests in here. Thank you all for your support. Again, if you want to criticize a point or want me to clarify something, you can ask me on Tumblr and I'll respond.

* * *

**Sara**

It feels like I'm floating. Whenever I close these eyes of mine I gently travel in this sin we're making. Is it even a sin or is it a mandatory business that has become a part of our relationship?

My legs are spread to the farthest degree of exposure. I've never been exposed like that not even to my own eyes. I know with her glimmering, twittering, tearing eyes, she can see each part of me. Red, wet, dark or light. The parts I haven't seen are in front of her. The parts Emy touched are for her to look at. My folds are dripping for her observation and my clit swollen only for her staring. My lips are dark red with moisture and my wrist is cramping with every thrust I force myself to bear.

I decided to go with my left hand and tease my person till I'm empty of need...but that wouldn't even happen, I'm never empty of need. I need her and I need her and I want her everyday.

My wrist is cramping. My back is aching. The position I'm in isn't the best but I am down for it all because I cannot get enough.

And watching her like this is like tasting the sweet honey of heaven and bathing in the drops of wine. It's intoxicating, the sweet scent of our arousal and the mixture of sweat and grief. Yes, it's grief. I don't know if she feels it but I do because I'm falling for her and I don't know whether it's true or not.

I know I'm hurting her ego by breaking it with every no I say to her hand creeping their way to my skin. But she doesn't stop trying and I can't stop falling. She's angry at me, yet she can't stop offering her art to me.

Her body is art, I should say. She's looking at me with sharp and steady eyes, I am looking at her with tired ones, begging for a release. She's hard and fast whenever she's pushing, rubbing or touching while I'm taking my tender time, scanning every inch of her body and teasing my own body to the extreme that's going to break me, I'm pretty sure.

If I touch her where will I start from? I say I'll taste her sweaty chest first, no, no, no, I'll kiss her cherry lips first. Yes, I'll do that, I'll taste them and I'll go down. I'll pay special attention to the clavicle...just because nobody pays attention to it. Then I'll stain my tongue with her salty fluids. I'll plant marks on her milky skin like the teenager that's in me. I'll make love to her.

Yes, I'll make love to her even if she doesn't believe in love. I'll move to her chest and I'll cherish both breasts. The first will be kissed tenderly, but the second will get a better taste of me. I wouldn't want to hurt her but I'll wet her nipples just a tad, just to give her a sting that will perhaps last till she's finished and panting. I wonder if she'll love that.

I'll move to her stomach. I'll kiss and I'll rest my head there and I'll hold her for awhile. I'll try to get a bit of a heartbeat in my ears. But then I'll kiss all around her bellybutton, and maybe, just maybe, I'll dip my tongue in it and then I'll swirl and circle. But then my heart will start beating quickly because I'll be ready for my feast, I'll be so ready.

I'll look into her eyes and she'll smile at me, I know she will, the way she's smiling at me right now with her drunken eyes. Then I'll place a kiss on the area that draws a barrier between her mound and her lower abdomen. I'll move swiftly, as a butterfly on sensitive skin, I'll plant kisses she wouldn't feel much of them but a tickling sensation that will make her squirm and shake. I'll control my breathing and I'll stare closely, unlike the way I'm seeing from afar right now. I'll place the main kiss on her clit, it would be as engorged and swollen as it is right now, but I'll get the chance to look closer and touch. When I kiss it, she'll fly into the seventh heaven and hops down, holding my hair and pushing me to dive into her cunt. So sweet looking, so puffed, sensitive, tender and red. I'll take my first taste and savour it well with my virgin tongue. I'll lose it, I know I will, I'll lose it and I'll do her so good, so well, so hard, so fast the way her digits are pulling at her lips, the way they're pushing in front of me.

I'll make her come inside my mouth and I'll taste the sweet nectar that will seep out of her opening. Maybe it will kill me right away, or maybe it will make me an immortal. I don't know but I know I'm starting to love her.

I don't know as well but this feeling is making me want to make it up to Emy, the woman who's always waiting to hold me and love me. If I'm going to taste someone it should be Emy first, then with Emy's consent, Tegan should be second.

Who am I betraying? Emy? Tegan? Neither, it's myself. I think it's time. It's time I tell Emy what I want. It's time I move. Last week I spent it like that, nude in front of my roommate. And last week I had to deal with her crying because of me.

I asked and she denied, but then I heard her speaking to Jeremy. She told him I'm doing it on purpose, she told him I'm trying to torture her. But I am not. I'm only scared. I want her and I want her in different ways. She wants me in only _that_ one way.

I don't want to get attached. If Emy and I broke up for a silly fuck with Tegan, nobody's going to be the loser but myself. I want love, I want it now. I don't love Emy as I used to. And I'm not sure if I'm in love with Tegan or the way Tegan makes me feel but I know whatever it is, it's stronger than what I feel for Emy and stronger than what I have thought it would be.

Why can't she fall for me the way I'm falling for her? Is it so hard to fall in love? Whom are these demons who caused her to be this indifferent? I'd want to kill them all and make her fall. I just want her to fall.

I escape a cry out of my slowly giving up lungs when I hit a spot I don't think I've hit before. It's the spot I want, but I don't want to come right now. I circle and rub for a second but instantly pull out and take several breaths. I smile at Tegan when she smiles at me, on her place on the sofa.

I'm on the ground, on the floor, spread widely for her and for her eyes. She's just like that, but I feel more exposed because I'm arching my back and humping the air. It's not me. I haven't done that. I was so opposed to the idea just last month. But it's the power she holds. I know she holds some special power.

Well...she changed me. I'm changed. I'm not who I am anymore. I don't think I can ever be who I am...or who I was before. I'm growing and evolving, I'm opening up to her the way she's opening up to me...but differently, in different matters only. She's talking more, sharing more feelings. I'm getting naked more, sharing more of my skin.

Tegan smiles bigger at me releasing a breathy moan. "You're tired?" she asks. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I'm going to regret this. I know I will.

My hand moves to my breast. I cup it at first, I massage as softly as possible. I open my eyes and she's staring, still performing what she hasn't stopped doing. I jump just a tad when my index makes contact with my nipple. And then I cage the tiny bud between the index and my thumb and squeeze. I do the same with the other breast with my other hand. I look at Tegan and I see her bitten lip, I see her give a lick to the jewelry beneath her lip.

I start to circle both nipples fast until I feel the hungry twitch in my clit. I move down and circle it with my left hand, moaning into the silent room. I circle fast and pause, I do it again and pause.

"Sara, please, please," Tegan shouts with a squealing tone. "Fuck your cunt, please." I do what she screams for me to do right away. I push two fingers in my soaked cunt and I thrust again, building myself once again. "Imagine me fucking you. I'll fuck you harder, fuck yourself harder." She's only fucking herself harder, though. However, I do as she asks and I quicken my pace, and whenever I feel it coming, I slow down and take a look at her.

Her back is arched and one hand is squeezing her thigh. The more she arches and humps, the more I slow my pace to focus on her approaching orgasm. She closes her eyes and squeezes them. Her nose wrinkles by itself and her knees shake as she escapes tiny whimpers.

When she opens her eyes again, she finds me smiling at her. My fingers are still inside of me but not moving, only massaging my walls gently. A feeling so good but so soft it doesn't affect me much.

"Do you like teasing yourself?" she says after I return to my clit, circling it then squeezing it with my index and thumb. I look up at her only to see her walking up to me. I think the look on my face was somehow a look of fear, because she says, "Hey, don't worry. I'll just sit there watching you fucking yourself. You take too long. Come on, fuck your pussy."

Her words throw me to the edge just by hearing them if I'm honest. I somehow manage to spread my legs even further and whine at the pain that's hitting my hips and back. She sits between them. Actually, she's lying down on the floor, on her stomach. Her breasts squeezed in front of my eyes and her face is inches away from my cunt. I move to rubbing with two digits and fingering with one.

The pressure is so great that if I just quicken the pace I'll come so hard, I know I will. "Your cunt is so beautiful," she says. "Why can't I just fuck it with my mouth? It's torture. This is torture." She blows at my pussy and giggles when I shudder. I'm losing it. I'm under so much pressure and tension and I feel like I'm going to faint. My head is in another land.

Tegan takes a hold of my ankle and steadies the shake that just started happening. I'm there, I'm so close. She places soft kisses on my ankle and I squeeze my eyes shut, finally circling faster because I can't take all that pressure anymore. "Yes, do it, Sasa." I open my eyes and look at her. She giggles. "You like that? Sasa? I love that. Fuck your cute pussy, Sasa." I escape some disturbing sound. It's like a sob but it's just a whiny, tensed moan

Tegan blows on my pussy and it scares me, thinking she's going to put her tongue there. As if that's going to declare my official cheating. But I can't let her. I'm a whore, I know, but in my mind, touching my human while she's staring is different than her tongue fucking me senseless.

I reach for something to hold and she takes my hand. She sits up and my eyes land on her breasts. I focus there while it's happening. The sensation starts in my lower abdomen and it travels down to my pussy. It's swimming with my fluids, it's there, I feel it, I feel it growing and prospering. I'm breathing so heavily and she's giggling the more the sensation grows. The thing is that the more it grows the more I resist it, and the more I resist it, it comes back stronger and makes my vision blurry.

"Just come already, you're killing yourself." A tear slips out of my eyes and Tegan kisses my hand. She looks at my breast and starts blowing on my nipples. This pushes the sensation to a degree where I cannot resist it. The sensation wins and becomes bigger than my will. It destroys me and makes me squeal. It makes me hump the floor I'm on, and embarrassingly shake and close my legs as if someone was going to cut off my vagina after all the nerves have been lit up and now they're numb and aching.

"Good girl," she whispers. I open my eyes and whimper like a tired dog. She massages my legs and my hand. "If only..." She sighs without continuing. She shakes her head and chuckles. "If you only know how much you're hurting me," she whispers.

"Soon." I touch her hand, but mistakenly with the one that's been in me. I think this is the one that's been in her as well, so who cares. "I promise you," I say again. That's it, I'm going to tell Emy. I want her...I'm hurting her.

"Really?" Her eyes light up immediately. She takes my hand and smiles. I nod. She looks at my fingers and pulls my hands. I squint my eyes and without much hesitation, Tegan pulls my index in her mouth. I gasp, but I can't take it out. I like it. She's sucking my wet finger. I like it.

"Fuck." I moan.

"Delicious." She winks. "Just like I thought, so fucking delicious."

"But with Emy," I blurt out quickly. "A threesome...that's the only way we can touch."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry," I say. "Please, I want to touch you as well," I beg.

"Well," Tegan swallows. "Emy's hot. I don't mind Emy," she says. "But I'm probably going to focus so much on you, just saying, so that better not make her feel left out." She shrugs.

"Deal." I smile at her and she at me. "I'll talk to Emy." She stands up and I take a full look at her body. Her cunt is literally in my face. Emy has to say yes and if she doesn't, then that's it.

My demons have won, Tegan's pussy has won.

**...**

When Tegan returns from work and sees me crying my eyes out, she hurries to my bed and starts touching me everywhere on my face. It's like I'm dying or something. She feels my forehead and then checks my breathing. Then she lifts my shirt and stares at my back. I haven't felt care from anyone as the care I'm feeling right now from Tegan. I mean sure, my mum's care is the ultimate super care, but that's because it's a mum care. All mums care this way, I suppose. But the Tegan care, oh girl, it's a special kind of care, it's a lover kind of care, no...a sister kind of care. Yes, because a sister cares about your health and fights with you and annoys you but you still love her and she still loves you. It's both a lover and a sister kind of care...not a friend's kind of care, however.

"What's wrong? Sasa? Are you okay?" she ask with eyes wide open staring at me with concern and worry.

"I can't understand this shit and I have a test tomorrow and I'm gonna fail. I can't memorize anything. I have a headache." I continue sobbing and she begins laughing. Exactly why her care is a sister care. A lover would fake compassion, Tegan is laughing at me with mockery.

"Fucking bitch, you scared me. I thought you're having an asthma attack or your back is hurting you or something." She shakes her and stands up. "Stop crying like a baby and make a space for me. Imma help you now." I shift to the side and wipe my tears like the baby I really am, sending glares her way.

Tegan takes off her polo and I stare in delight. I love her body. It's so soft. And so damn toned and perfect looking, just like all of her...while she remains an annoying imperfect person.

She sits next to me and wiggles the coffee cup in her hand. "Nahh," she says when I try to reach for it. "A kiss on my cheek first and a big hug to nice cute Tegan also." She bites her lip. Why does she bite her lip? Why does she keep doing that? Fuck her, I'm falling for her.

"How about I fucking shove my ass in your face?" I growl at her and take my coffee with force.

"I'd probably like that," she says. She laughs when I pinch her arm. "Alright, cut the games. What are you studying?" She takes a look at my book and reads a couple of lines. "Oh for fuck's sake, incest again? Do you not study anything but incest? Is that what Psychology is all about?"

"No," I whisper. "Just please don't waste my time, I'm already lost."

Tegan begins explaining Lacan's theories to me. I understand them, I just can't focus enough to absorb them. I'm too distracted by my thoughts. Different thoughts. Today, Emy and I argued about silly things. She asked me how come I didn't go see the movie we wanted to see together and I went to see it with Tegan instead. Simply because she had so much shit to do and when I asked she said she couldn't. Emy said I should have waited for her. I just couldn't because Tegan offered and I was bored to the degree of slow mental death caused by a wreckage of thoughts.

Emy's been annoying lately, and too jealous, she's just too jealous. Everything I do or say, she includes Tegan in it out of nowhere. Whenever I want to ask her about the threesome, she bitches about something. I am not the innocent party here, I know. But I can't take all of this. My emotions are mixed up and I'm confused. I love Emy, I really do...but what do I feel about Tegan? That's not some regular emotion. It's not a sister emotion, as much as out relationship gives that vibe. I mean let's not forget I memorized the details of her cunt by heart and I could draw it if I can draw.

"Sara, hey, focus. What are you thinking of?"

"Tegan's cunt."

"What?"

"What?" I say looking at her.

"You just said...Oh my God," she yells, "you just fucking said you're thinking of my cunt." She starts giggling like a small child, with evil innocence and everything that's pretty.

"I said that out aloud?" I shout, placing my hand on my mouth. Got to stop this habit, must stop this habit.

"Yup." She gives me a gummy smile. "I was actually thinking about your cute titties so we're even." She bites her lower lip again. Fuck me, why don't you.

"How did we become so sexual?" I tilt my head to the side and ask.

"I've been this sexual since ever, but you my darling," she says, tapping my nose then continuing, "you have become my student. The Tegan student."

"Actually, I'm pretty sexual, but I keep it to myself. I mean, yes, you...you fucking uncaged the tiger in me and now I just have a giant boner in my brain that's thinking of sex and pussies all the time."

"Hopefully that's my pussy you're thinking of." She rubs my left arm slightly.

"I think I just revealed that." I sigh. "Anyway," I say again, "let's continue, I'm beginning to connect things together. What were you saying?"

"Okay, look, it's simple. The Mirror Stage. So fucking simple. You see when a baby is born he has no accurate...let's say identification of himself. The stage starts at six months. It's in the Imaginary. You understand the Imaginary part right?" I nod and hum. "So the baby looks at himself in the mirror and sees his reflection. He thinks that's his true self, but it's not, because that's an imaginary self of parts he put together in his head. It doesn't give him the inside him, it's not his identity, it's merely a reflection. That's why it's in the Imaginary. Like we said, there's no absence, because he's part of the mother, therefore there are security and presence. At the same time there's no identity or language because he's already_"

"Considered a part of the mother, still attached to her," I cut her off, completing her explanation.

"Yes, great. You get it?" I nod and smile. "That's good. What more? Oh, the Father's No or the Father's Law?" I nod. "That's basically the father's opposition to the child's attraction to the mother."

"That's it?"

"Yes, that's what you need to know. Just the term, Sasa." She smiles and brushes my fringe away from my eyes.

"Alright, umm," I begin, "can you explain this part to me? How the fuck is the child attracted to his mother when like, half of us don't know our real mothers?" Tegan squints her eyes at me.

"You're adopted, aren't you?" Tegan asks while looking at me.

"No," I deny again. "I'm just talking about it in general. Like let's say I was adopted as a baby, would I still be attracted to my mother, who's basically not my real mother?"

"Honestly, Sara," She chuckles then continues, "I don't take this theory seriously at all. It's probably wrong. Boys attracted to their mums? Girls to their fathers? What more? Siblings attracted to each other? Imagine." She begins laughing, but I feel offended, because I believe in this theory. But I'm scared I end up like fucking Oedipus and then marry my mum. But like...I mean...if I loved her, I honestly wouldn't care. I wouldn't blind my person or anything. True love only happens once, you know.

"Oh my God, Sasa." Tegan starts laughing hysterically. "Imagine." She laughs again. "Imagine us sisters and not knowing? And then we know? I'd kill myself."

"Can you stop?" I tell her to stop only because I hate the way she's mocking some things that I believe are okay. Not because of her imagination, which is for sure wrong since her mum is so young. Like what? She like had me at fourteen and deserted me?

Wait, that's possible.

But nah, not possible.

"Alright, I'm sorry." She finally stops laughing. "Let's get back. Not much left. You're already pretty sleepy. You should rest and sleep. I'll make you some yummy dinner and tuck you in bed, my cute little Sasa." She pinches my cheeks, both of them. I can never stay mad at her. Not at all.

I take a long, deep, and a happy sigh as I throw my person and rest my head on my pillow after Tegan has made sure that I know everything pretty well. She's such an amazing tutor. She makes me focus because her voice is sex. And even though I think of sex when she's here, I still do focus because she forces me to do so by putting a rule that I should repeat everything after her.

Tegan rests her head next to mine. I nuzzle her hair with my nose and become sweetly drunken by her strawberry scent. "I love the way you smell."

"The pervy way I smell or_"

"Tegan," I shout with laughter. "You're such a..." My words escape me when I feel her gentle caressing to my arm. "Do you really think my titties are nice? I think they're really saggy."

"They're not. They're hot," she says. "Show them. Let's just sit with our tits hanging. I love tits, did I tell you that? And pussy." I shake my head and watch her remove her sports bra. Her nipples are already standing with glory, adorned with the barbel, and are beautiful like all of her. When I take my shirt and bra off, mine aren't hard at all. She stares at them.

"I wouldn't have done that if it wasn't for you. You changed me." She stares hard enough till they start hardening. So slowly, and with a brush of air that comes from her sigh, they harden for her only, shyly pleading to be hugged with her pouty lips.

"It's a good change. Being sexual is good. It releases the oppressive anguish that eats you up at night." Tegan swallows after finishing. She's looking at my face now. I think I can feel her side breast on the arm that's between us.

"What's eating you up at night, Tegan?" I ask her. I know her sad songs start playing inside her head each night. I feel it, I can feel her anguish drowning her to the extreme, to the levels of insanity. I don't know if it's because I'm good at what I'm majoring at or if it's because I feel like she's a part of me I yet have to discover. It's like I can feel her stars shinning and dimming inside my chest. I don't know how to express the feeling, I just feel like my mind can reach hers but is not allowed much entry.

"When you start opening up to me, I'll start opening up to you." I didn't expect this answer. I furrow my brows in confusion. I get nothing but a deadpan face out of her. "By the way, did you notice our boobs look so similar? Like wow. If we took a picture of them, they could be included in sister porn." She widens her eyes and I do too when she finishes her messed up sentence. "Eww, God. What's wrong with me?"

"I noticed though," I say. "Emy's boobs are different. They're way smaller but they're pretty."

"Ya, she has nice boobs," Tegan agrees. I glare. "What? I'm giving your girlfriend a compliment. You shouldn't be jealous. Aren't we gonna sleep all together? Ya, Sasa? Aren't we? When?" She smiles so big I fucking wanna kiss her face so hard.

"She's been in a bad mood lately. I'll tell her soon enough, I promise you. I think I need it more than you. I need something nice and new."

"Hey, I'm nice and new." Before I can respond, she says again, "I know, I know, you're dating her." She rolls her eyes. "Seriously though, hurry. I keep imagining what we're gonna do and I'm so excited. I'm gonna eat you out, I'm so happy."

"Wow." I'm starting to think her sexual excitement isn't healthy at all. "You're obviously hungry. Go get started with that _yummy dinner_ you promised." I push her arm and the tits I forgot are out to the world to see jiggle, which makes me laugh. On purpose, she moves her body and makes them jiggle again. "Nice. Now go."

"You're no fun." She whines like a kid and gets up.

Tegan's shouting and screaming wake me up. I open my eyes to find her arguing on the phone with her mother about the holidays. I listen for a bit until she looks at me then takes a step away and lowers her voice. I understand the message and take sleepy Sara to the bathroom.

I do the morning rituals: shower, breakfast, make sure Tegan isn't as sad as she is each night her body presses into mine, then I go to my classes. I take my test, I do good at it. Because whenever I think I've forgotten something, the memory of Tegan explaining it to me pops up in my mind. Childish, I know. But that's the only way I've been able to actually hope for a graduation next year.

"Tegan broke down at lunch," Emy says. We're walking around the campus to chat a little bit. I asked her how she did and she told me her test went fine, she asked the same question and I gave the same answer.

Her hand in mine and my other one is in the pocket of my coat. The cold is embracing me slowly and I'm starting to feel breathless and tired. Actually, I think that's the sentence she just said made me feel this way. It's like...an arrow had been thrown at my chest.

"What? What did you say?" I look up at her, my eyes wide.

"I don't know. We were just casually talking and she asked me about my family. She was just looking at me and started crying. I took her to the bathroom and she just broke down, she kept crying." I let go of Emy's hand and look at her. "Do you know if something is wrong with her?"

"I...I don't know." That's because I'm a terrible friend. How come I don't know? "She just doesn't say much. She's secretive. But today she was fighting with her mother. But she's always fighting with her mother. It's about her not wanting to join her mother and her mother's boyfriend for the holidays." I shrug after explaining what I had grasped from all the phone calls and the comments Tegan threw here and there.

"Ya," Emy says. "I think it's about that." She squints her eyes and looks at our dormitory. She takes my hand and pulls me towards it. "Let's go inside, I need to pee. It's getting too cold."

When we reach Emy's room, she rushes in inside her bathroom. I look around me and sigh. I start picking up my girlfriend's clothes off the floor. Sarah's side of the room is neat and clean, but my girlfriend's...let's just say she's worse than Tegan when it comes to tidying and cleaning.

"What are you doing?" Emy says when she leaves the bathroom. "You don't have to do that. Give me." She tries to take her shirt from me but I push her hand off.

"Sit down. I'm gonna clean your side of the room. What's that? Is that your dirty underwear on your pillow?" I pick up the piece of fabric and wrinkle my nose when Emy begins to laugh.

"It's wet, beware of touching my fluids and getting a deathly disease or something," she mocks, but sportively.

"Gross. And on your pillow?"

"I was gonna change the bedsheet and the pillowcase anyway," Emy says.

"Did you come in it?" I throw her dirty clothes in her hamper and move to her bedsheet, discarding it, which makes Emy stand up and look at me.

"No. I've been just really wet lately, you know..." I don't let her continue. I know I've been brutally bitchy in that part to her. Whenever she asks for it, I say no. I feel guilty and I feel sad. For many reasons. I feel jealous also. I feel like Tegan's sharing more with Emy than me. I guess that's why I have Emy thrown on her mattress and now I'm quickly removing her clothes. "What are you doing?"

I look up at my girlfriend. Her face is red and mine doesn't hold the old bashful hue it once carried. She's naked for my eyes to see and I'm not hesitant nor scared, nor even shy to look and part her legs and touch her where she wants the most.

I don't know what I'm doing, all I know is that I'm going to cry, but I don't let it, therefore I push my face and take my first ever taste of cunt by hurriedly running my tongue between her lips. She gasps, she gasps so loudly and takes a hold of my hair.

I like it. I think I like it too much that I moan loudly when I take another taste. I pull away and try to control my person from doing both, crying and eating her out like a crazy lunatic. I look at Emy and her blue eyes are adorably wide and staring at me with wonder and excitement. In these times I remember how much I truly love her, but now I'm more than sure this love I feel is sexual and friendly, not the type of love that's destroying me whenever I stay around the destroyer herself.

"Nobody had ever gone down on me," Emy whispers. I feel my face dropping with surprise. "You're my first in everything, Sar." I smile at her and take a breath. I look at her pussy and do what I want to do, locking a sob in my chest and daydreaming about doing it to the woman I cannot just simply call my girlfriend.

I thought Emy was my impediment, but truly, it's Tegan herself and her will to stay single forever. Her will not to love.

"You're so good at everything you do." Emy kisses my lips when I lie next to her, trying to catch my breath and replay the way she humped my face and rolled her hips crazily. It didn't feel disgusting at all, it felt intimate and sweet, and I loved it.

After I kiss her back and stroke her cheek, I pull away and smile at her. "I should have done this a long time ago." I kiss her shoulder but I don't feel the stomach-cramping sensation I feel around Tegan. I just feel like I genuinely appreciate Emy and want to make her happy, that's it.

"I just really, really want us to try something," Emy says. When I don't say anything, she continues, "The threesome, Sar. I want us to try it."

"Are you sure you want to?" My face lights up right away and my grin widens. Her grin is shinning as well and her cheeks are ruddy red as she nods excitedly.

When I return to my room I see Tegan sitting on my bed, hugging her Spongebob pillow and resting her chin on it. I look at her and she looks up at me. Her eyes are swollen but there are no tears. I walk up to her, but her eyes are fixed on my midsection, they do not move and look up at me; therefore, I kneel and face her.

"Tegan," I say. I take her face between my hands and look into the caramel of her irises. "What's wrong?" She shakes her head, but then she starts crying again. " Oh, Teetee, don't cry. I'm gonna call you that, is that okay?" She nods but continues crying. "Why are you so sad?"

"What does it f-f-feel like to have...parents who love you and want you around?" She sniffles and stutters. I sit next to her. I can't really do anything but hold her close to my chest.

"Your parents do love you, Tegan. Just because you mother dates it doesn't mean she doesn't love you." I'm pretty sure her mother loves her, otherwise she wouldn't have checked on her.

"But I bet she wishes I'm not around. I bet she considers me a mistake. If I ever have a child, I'll never do that to them. I don't have normal parents. They're divorced since I was five. They were so young. They dated when they were thirteen and stayed together till twenty-five. I don't know why they got married so quickly and had me."

"Because they loved each other, they wanted to celebrate their love. They didn't know it was going to end this way." I wonder who my real parents are, if they're alive, what they are doing. I wonder if they're together. Maybe I had a single mother, that's why she threw me at my grandmother's door. It's probably the case. I wonder if it's someone my grandmother knows but didn't say anything.

"They think shutting me up by giving me what I want makes me happy. I just want a normal family holiday. I just want to eat dinner with the both of them. I just want to talk. I don't want my dad's girlfriend or my mum's boyfriend near. I want us three. I sometimes wish I had a sister or a brother, you know, someone to share the burden with. Being all alone sucks." She's not crying anymore. She's just speaking with her head pressed onto my chest. I think this is her favourite position, she always lets go of her distress this way. It's like connecting ourselves makes her comfortable to reveal more and more. "What's it like having a normal family, with a sister, and like, parents who love each other? Does it feel normal, Sasa?"

I lift her head up and look into her eyes. "It does feel good," I begin to say. "But it also makes me wonder all the time what my real parents are like. I'm pretty sure they're not like that, otherwise they wouldn't have left me just lying like that on a doorstep." I shrug with a lopsided smile.

Her eyes are searching me, she's not saying anything but her eyes are searching. "So you are adopted," she simply says.

"I am," I confirm. "And the search for my real parents haven't been very successful because my birth mother apparently had made the impossible not to be found. Which is why I keep wondering. I love my parents right now. I truly do. But I wanna know who I am and where I came from and why I ended up this way. I don't even know my real birthday. There is just nothing, no record, nobody, nothing." She nods and looks down at her lap. "Nobody knows about this."

"It's okay." She swallows. "I won't tell anybody."

I don't know what made it easier for me to look at Tegan this way. I know she can sense it. I can't stop looking at her with all the passion in me. Maybe it's the vulnerability she projects only for me, or maybe it's because she's just simply beautiful, or maybe because_

My stream of thoughts breaks when her eyes start inspecting my lips. It's that comfort I've never felt finally setting in the closer she's getting to my face. My breath is erratic and my chest is drumming. I'm cheating and I've cheated. Emy said it's okay to sleep with her and we planned it, so why can't I just kiss her? It's just a kiss. She's seen more of me.

When Tegan swallows and closes her eyes for a second, I lose all the willpower within me and I close any gap that was by mistake between us. I breathe into her lips and she opens her teary eyes, breathing into mine.

And it happens, I lean in and kiss her. I kiss her. I take her lips in mine and swim in the sweetness and silkiness of her flesh. And in this moment, with my eyes closed and my heart racing with time and battling with all my hinged, grave and grievous thoughts, I am sure that I am in love with Tegan Quin. I am in love with a woman who doesn't want to love and wants only to sleep with me for the fun of it.

She kisses like somebody who wants love or is actually falling in love. Not in love but falling. It starts slow and unsure but then she adds more and kisses more, but so damn sweetly, so damn peacefully. And then, she falls, her kiss writhes all around me till I'm caged between her grip, fighting with her tongue and trying to keep my heart from bursting.

I only pull away because I need oxygen in my troubled lungs. She's smiling at me and it makes me smile, with my breath heavy and exhausted. "I always knew your kisses are as beautiful as you," Tegan says. I smile more. "Emy's lucky."

"I talked to Emy," I tell Tegan. "About the...you know." Why am I shy again? Why her eyes make me feel so bashful when they stare like that at me?

"Ya?" She bites her lower lip.

"Soon," I say to her. She nods and grabs my face again, kissing me again, and I fall down again, under her squirming passion, a passion I'm not sure exists or my mind is making it all up.

**...**

Emy and I arranged the time and place. We arranged everything that at this moment it feels like the beginning of a porno. I'm pretty sure highly-intellectual-in sexual-matters-and-whatnot Tegan Quin is fully aware of our tiny scheme.

Well, my heart is certainly at the level of my feet as I am sitting between both, Tegan and Emy. I wanted Tegan to be in between us. The plan is Emy and I fucking Tegan, not them fucking me. But Emy suggested that since she and I are dating I should sit in the middle. She said that Tegan is more used to me than herself, so I should lead the way at first until she helps me in taking full charge.

Emy chose the film as well. I'm not sure what that is, but the sex scene right now is making me sweat in the very unsexy way. Tegan is smirking and I can see it with the corner of my eyes. Emy's getting turned on and it's quite disturbing. I'm the only one who's too anxious to enjoy this. Maybe my girlfriend was right, I'm too coy and inexperienced to do this. But it's my chance I cannot waste it.

I slightly jump when I feel a hand on my thigh. I look at the hand and then at the owner. Emy's eyes are signaling me to move. I nod and look at the screen. I cannot get turned on because I'm only thinking about how staged all of this is.

The screen is showing a very badly directed lesbian sex scene. I didn't even pay attention to the movie. I don't know the actresses but the blonde is seriously hot. Good boobs. Okay, let me focus on the boobs.

I look quickly to my left and I think my roommate is enjoying the film more than Emy and I are. Her eyes are wide and a smirk is well painted on her face. I swallow all my nerves and look back at the screen again. I can touch Tegan's boobs if I just start to move. Well, not that I haven't touched them. We kissed again last night in bed. My arm was on her breast all the time and she didn't shift them.

Emy and I had sex again, also. I feel guilty but I don't feel sorry.

The blonde is moaning in my ears and suddenly she's not that attractive. I turn around and look at my girlfriend. Emy doesn't give me a chance, she leans in and kisses me like a stray animal who had finally found food on the street. I'm too taken aback to kiss her back. She's sucking my whole face, I think I'm going to be sucked by her fucking mouth and she'll swallow me. That's not how threesomes are, are they? I already hate them.

I have to be in charge so I push Emy and do what she did to me. Kiss her as if I am a cannibal. Okay, maybe that's a bit fun, and maybe that's getting me started. But I'm not sure how that's looking to Tegan's eyes. I push Emy and turn around to look at Tegan, who, without any exaggeration, turns into Mother Tiger and sucks my soul and fucks my being with her lips and tongue, making me fall on my girlfriend, who starts laughing as Tegan eats my face in the most unattractive but very pussy-watering way.

I'm not about to be fucked by these two women. I'm not going to let them do that. My strength and anger chew at me and I push Tegan. I grab her head and take my girlfriend's, making them both kiss each other the way they both have kissed me...if that even counts as kissing.

I watch the two of them kissing as if they've never kissed before. It's the sight I seriously needed to get me going and right now I'm not only going but I'm actually aching down there just to be touched.

I detach them and keep my hold onto Tegan's collar. "Bed," I say hoarsely. "Now."

Tegan looks at both Emy and I as if we are two cheetahs ready to pry on the little lamb. She sends half a smirk my way and walks to my bed. She's already taking her clothes off. My girlfriend looks at me and I shrug. Emy starts taking her clothes off and I look at both of them. Honestly, that's not how I imagined a threesome would be. It's not that it's awkward, but also, I feel clueless on what to do next. I don't know how to make it sexy enough or romantic enough. I know, for starters, that this cannot be romantic in anyway. Secondly, I cannot make it the type of sexy that I have imagined in my brain. My fantasies of absolute dominance seem fading away the more we carry on. I don't feel exactly comfortable but at the same time I really want it to happen.

"Lie down, Tegan. Just lie down and enjoy yourself." My girlfriend is taking my role, pushing Tegan slightly on my mattress. I look at Emy's eyes scanning the nudity of Tegan and I look at Tegan scanning my fully-clothed body. Emy looks back at me and I move.

I start taking my clothes off but Emy gives me a hand and takes them off for me. My eyes are fixed on Tegan's. I can sense the messages she's sending. I wonder if she's feeling the same as I am. I smile at her and she smiles at me. When our smile breaks I notice that my girlfriend is looking at both of us with an expressionless face.

Emy starts it first. She kisses Tegan again and Tegan does not object, she kisses her instead. I look at them and then I travel down Tegan's body. I can have all of it right now. I can touch and I can kiss. So I place small kisses on her shoulder. I look up and I find her smiling at me. My girlfriend is smiling as well. She places kisses on the other shoulder.

Emy winks at me for comfort but I'm far away from that. Right now, I'm just enjoying the serenity Tegan's soft skin is clouding me with while still shaking on the inside. It's the type of romantic lover that I am which cannot make me take this to a dirtier level right away. With Emy, only when I stopped loving her I was able to comprehend the term: sex for sex's sake. But with Tegan, I'm in love, I'm too in love and I just want to love her body while fucking it.

Her moans start becoming resonant when I kiss her breast. The tenderness it carries makes me linger there for a while, feeling the beauty she carries and listening to her sharp heartbeat. Tegan winces when I selfishly suck at her nipple. With her hand she pushes me off. I mouth an apology and Emy looks at both of us.

Emy's looks make me feel guilty because I can see them trying to understand the unspoken of deep connection that Tegan and I share secretly. She breaks her stares and returns kissing and sucking at Tegan's skin till she reaches her mound. I don't do the same. I continue looking at Tegan while she looks at me. She moves her hand and cups my breast. My gasp makes my girlfriend pause her business and look at the both of us again. Tegan whimpers softly, which makes me notice that Emy's fingers are toying with her pussy.

When I make sure Emy's not looking at us anymore, I try to preserve Tegan's upper half for myself again. I kiss her once again but it's not like that weird sloppy kiss we just shared. I kiss her like those few kisses we have shared alone. I kiss her with my infatuation, love, and passion and she kisses me back as if she holds the same emotions only that she doesn't.

When Tegan moans in my mouth a bit too loudly I pull away. I look down and watch my girlfriend down on my roommate. "Holy shit," Tegan says. She takes a hold of me and buries her face in my chest once again. "Emy, oh God." My jealously invades me as soon as I hear my girlfriend's name on her mouth. I push her off and move quickly between her legs. I don't even push Emy away, I just push my face and drag my tongue along puffed lips. And that's the first taste I take of Tegan and I'm not exactly happy about how it happened but here I am already addicted to it and already trying so hard to share what my girlfriend is taking all to herself.

It's easy to control Emy but not that easy to control Tegan. I push Emy away. I kiss her quickly and taste my roommate on her. Then I pull away and push my face right where I want, not allowing Emy any space. I close my eyes as soon as I actually taste Tegan and all the glorious fluids that are escaping her cunt. I circle her clit with my tongue. When Tegan moans I find my favourite spot of her body and wrap my lips around it, sucking it just to hear those moans only for my person and not for anybody else.

Someone takes a harsh hold of my hair and pulls it to the back. My scalp aches and I'm sure it's Emy feeling jealous and being bitchy. She can go fuck herself and watch. I don't care anymore. I found who I love and I want her. I don't care if she doesn't want me. I'll do anything just to make her happy even if she doesn't believe in the happiness of love. Little does Tegan know that what I'm doing right now with my lips and tongue is giving her love the best way I can.

Thinking about her makes me let go of her clit and look up at her. I notice that both of her hands are the ones that are pulling my hair. I also notice that my girlfriend is sitting next to her and only looking at what Tegan and I are doing. I'm too ashamed to look at Emy but too happy to see Tegan drowning in the ecstasy my tongue is providing her. "Is it okay if I finger you, Tegan?" She nods as soon as I ask.

My tongue moves quickly between her folds, from left to the right, up and down. Then I part her lips and push my tongue in her saturated entrance. I take a dip and moan. I fuck her with my tongue first but then I shift to my fingers. I push two slowly until I'm inside of her all the way. I sit up and look at her. I look at Emy then and I find tears collecting at her lids. That's not the way I wanted it to be. I don't want to hurt Emy at all. I just don't think I can love her the way I am so in love with Tegan right now.

"Come here, Em." I swallow my hesitation and motion her near. I want to be fair because I want us all to have fun. Emy looks at me for a second but then moves till she's sitting right in front of me. I look at Tegan's cunt and start thrusting slowly. Tegan closes her eyes as soon as I start fingering her. I close my eyes as well and start kissing my girlfriend.

After the kisses Emy and I share, I end up sucking at her breasts as she fingers herself in front of Tegan and I. Tegan is looking at the scene with tired lids. I feel like I should step up my game so I return again to Tegan's pussy and use my tongue as well as push harder and quicker with my digits.

Her walls feel creamy and soft on the inside. They're warm and beautiful, hugging my fingers perfectly. When I open my eyes again, I see Tegan fingering Emy, which makes me angry. Very angry. I take my two digits out and push with three roughly and without warning. Tegan screams just a bit but then she starts riding my fingers, loving the feeling already. Her eyes are shut tightly and my girlfriend is already coming thanks to Tegan herself.

I tease Tegan, not letting her reach orgasm quickly. Whenever I feel her walls tightening I pull out and just lick her pussy slowly. She whimpers and Emy laughs. I've done that to Emy before, without the licking part, but I've done it and now it's Tegan's turn to taste it all.

At one point I leave Tegan completely and make out with Emy. I let her fondle my breasts and rub my clit for a bit. But then I see Tegan's red monstrous anger that she thinks I don't know so well now, and so I return to Tegan's pussy.

Tegan puts me in headlock with both thighs when I massage the inside of her throbbing walls. I lick at her clit for a second and massage the other. Whenever I lick her button she squeezes more. I try to part her legs but she doesn't let me. I think she's scared I'll leave her again and make out with Emy. I'm not going to do that, she's already close and I need my release as well.

I rotate two fingers inside, going deeper, feeling parts of her I didn't think I'd ever feel. "Sara," she screams my name when I hit a spot that makes her jump, rocking her hips and taking my head with her. "Oh, fuck." I feel her shake and tighten around my fingers. Her fluids begin running down her core and cover my hand.

I'm so proud of my person and happy with my inner Sara at the moment. I made bitch-face, egocentric, sweet, and charming Tegan Quin come and scream my name.

Tegan Quin; however, she fucking pushes me on the mattress, on my pillow, in her previous place, as soon as she recovers from her orgasm.

"Emy, does she do that to you all the time?" Tegan asks Emy, who is on her knees, right next to Tegan. Both looking down at me.

"Oh, yes," Emy says. I'm scared. My legs are closed. I don't want to know what's going to happen.

Tegan grabs Emy's face and kisses her right in front of me, while pressing her hand onto my chest, not letting me move just a bit. "Go get the dildo, Em," Tegan says, looking at me.

Oh no. Hell no.


	10. Chapter 10

Trigger warning: Physical abuse and violence.

* * *

**Tegan**

I'm not sure what I feel about Sara. But it is something way stronger than the regular '_I just wanna fuck her'_ process that I perpetually engage in. It can be just the side effect of her wild tongue coming in contact with my cunt. The lazy strokes she performed and the raging circulation that came after, these could be the reason to my own rage that I cannot control well.

She cannot have everything while I rest there waiting for her mercy. I went at her pace and waited till she selected the time and place that I can touch her at. And now here she is having both Emy and I all to herself while I'm just a side project she can toy with. I never thought I'd be jealous of two lovers dating because I want to be an important element in their equation.

As much as I truly want to touch her I am not going to do so. I want her to feel the same type of pain that I am currently enduring. I wish I can translate it or find a meaning for it. It's in the shape of worry, disguised by jealousy, and looks violent that it scares me.

"Look what I found." I turn around to see Emy with the dildo in one hand and the magic wand I've gotten Sara in the other. "My girlfriend is so naughty she bought a vibrator to herself." I turn around and face thunderstruck Sara.

Alright, can I point out how insanely beautiful she is? I want her so much right now but I want to hurt her the way she's hurting me.

"Indeed," I say. "Sasa is a nasty little whore." I can't believe I'm saying that.

"Sasa?" Emy asks as she stands on her knees right beside me. Both of us are staring at Sara with her closed legs and a hand doing a terrible job at covering her breasts. Her face is full of fear and anticipation, I can see it.

"Just a little nickname." I take the blue smurfy dildo from Emy, making sure I let Sara see the small hand rub I give to her. Sara sees it well and I can see her eyes starting to form an angry monster inside.

I also take the wand and throw it on the mattress. "Are you ready for this, Sara?" I face Sara, who instantly shakes her head. She's sweating more than my father trying to exercise on his new treadmill that one time. I see fear and I want to lick it all and drain it out of her. I look back at Emy and she has a similar reaction. She must really love Sara. What a lucky woman Sara is. Everybody loves her. Nobody really loves me.

"Didn't_" Roughly, I cup Emy's mouth, shutting her up. A moan comes out of her mouth as I press on her lips. Sara's horror is increasing and I'm sure she's regretting this threesome. Well, that's good. I want her to regret it.

I dart towards Emy, nibbling one ear while squeezing both arms harshly. I'm draining the colour out of her complexion. And Sara looks like she's going to faint. "Didn't I say you don't get to talk?" I whisper and bite. Emy nods. "Alright then. Don't fucking ruin the plan." She nods again.

I told Emy I was going to fuck her with the dildo when Sara was down on me. I told her I'll do it in front of Sara because it's going to make Sara insanely jealous and it is going to be fun. Surprisingly, Emy was welcoming the idea. I told her not to get the straps. I did not tell her it is because I've never fucked anyone while strapped, but I lied and said it will look more intimate with my hand moving the dildo in and out of her. Her naivety and sexual desire made her believe me. Now I'm only teasing and scaring Sara because I honestly believe she deserves it.

I cup Emy's tit and squeeze. She moans and I lick her full lips. Emy's hot. I'd fuck her in a heartbeat, and forever if I could. But it's all because of Sara and the evil witchcraft I'm pretty sure she has performed on me, I cannot seem to find any girl in this entire campus as fuckable as this sweet looking demon.

I bet she's like a torturous vampire. No, wait, I bet she's one of those demons who torture sinful people like me. They make them fall in the pit and drag them to the lowest degree of hell. They make them suffer slowly and sweetly till they cripple and die. I bet she performs a ritual on me at nights. It's probably why she wakes up in the middle of the night and moves a lot. I'm going to stay awake and I'm going to find out what she does.

"Is this making you horny, Sar?" I ask.

She doesn't respond.

"Awww. I bet you're dying down there." I force her legs apart. Her face is red with anger and her eyes are jeweled with tears. But I'm possessed and I like it. I slap her wonderful pussy and she shudders but does not scream. I don't think Emy is very thrilled about what is going on. But I am. And I am the one who decides.

I look at the dildo. I believe this is six inches or something. Maybe it's a bit shorter than that. I rub it on Sara's cunt. It's slippery, wet, and dark red. I spread her lips and laugh, I push it between the lips but I do not let it get past her soaked entrance. It's so cute and small, I wish I can fuck it. Then I push it up until the head presses on the tiny clit. Sara hisses. I look at Emy's lustful eyes and then turn around to look at Sara. I think Emy is scared I get to fuck her girlfriend with the toy before she could do it. But I'm not going to do that because Sara the witch does not deserve an orgasm tonight.

I hurriedly press the toy to Sara's closed lips. She starts squirming and moving her face to the sides. It is strange that I haven't heard her speak at all. Is her spell breaking? "It's your come. Lick it you dirty whore." I laugh. She shakes her head. "Oh, come on. Lick it and clean it. Give us a show," I say again. "You just ate my pussy like you haven't eaten anything for a month."

"It's clean, Sar. I cleaned it well," Emy says hesitantly.

"See? She cleaned it. It's weird, though. You'd lick my pussy but not accept your girlfriend's fluids." Maybe this is a very bitchy move of me. But it makes me feel good to see the anger rising on both of their faces. To see the jealousy on Emy's and the furry on Sara's. If she thinks I'm just there to make her come in an hour of need without letting me touch her, then she's wrong.

Sara opens her mouth and takes the dildo in. She's staring not at me but at Emy. She starts sucking slowly. I push more and she begins to bob her head, giving the toy a blowjob. This really turns me on, so much that my hand unconsciously moves to my clit. I only notice when Sara's glances descend down and focus on my finger rubbing my button. This makes me push more, which makes her gag on the dildo. She's not that great at it, but as a person who gave dildo blowjobs to blonde bimbos after having been fucked in the bathrooms of dark, dirty pubs, I can tell very well that my dear witch has done it before. She knows what she's doing. I smirk at her. It makes her cheeks blossom in redness.

"That's enough." I pull the dildo out of her mouth and look back at Emy. "You," I say. "On your hands and knees...between her legs." I spread Sara's legs open and Emy takes her place between them. Unsure, frightened, panting, and shaking. "If your face falls on her cunt and I see you eating her out, you're gonna regret it I swear to that ass of yours you will." From behind Emy, I see Sara's wide eyes.

Welcome to Tegan Quin's kingdom, Sara Smith. If you thought I was just talk no game, you thought wrong, darling. You just met the devil in me.

I fuck Emy with the dildo. I've never fucked anybody with more than three fingers before so I find some resistance that makes me lose my confidence for few seconds. When she takes a hold of Sara's meaty thigh and gasps, I push more. She moans so I push more until I'm all the way in. I do not move it until she moves her hips, waiting for me to start. And so I fuck her. Slow at first but then I make her scream and beg and moan. I make her squeeze Sara's thigh till I see Sara's eyes squeezed as she tries to endure the pain of her arousal, her girlfriend abusing her flesh, and me fucking her girlfriend so well in front of her.

I sit up and lean above Emy. I reach for her breasts as I thrust the toy in and out of her. I tweak the nipples and knead the mounds. Then I sit back again and slap her bum. She lets out a scream and I laugh. Sara's breaths are heavy and her eyes are fixed on her girlfriend kneeling in front of her soaked cunt, but only breathing on it and not daring to touch it.

"When are you gonna come, Em?" I ask with another slap. She screams again and winces.

"More," Emy says.

"Oh, wow. You want more?" I slap one more time. "You're nasty." I slap again and begin to rotate the dildo inside. She begins humping the toy from behind.

When I turn my gaze back to Sara, I notice she has reached for the wand and is trying to plug it in but failing. I force the toy out of her hand with a bit of roughness and throw her back on the pillow. "You don't get to come tonight, do you hear me?" I scold. She has her brows furrowed. "No orgasm for you," I say again. I plug in the vibrator and return to Emy. I push the dildo and aim the head of the wand on her clit. She lets out a high-pitched shriek and begins moving in all directions, undulating her hips and trying too hard to control her wild newborn orgasm.

Emy falls down with soft whimpers. Her head hits Sara's lower abdomen which makes the said witch jump and groan. I see tiny half-moon shapes on Sara's thigh, adorned with dry blood. I take the dildo out of Emy's cunt and unplug the vibrator. I put the dildo in my mouth and suck it clean in front of Sara's eyes. But Sara closes her eyes midway and drifts to sleep. Emy has already slept on Sara's stomach. Even when they sleep, they're holding each other and inducing my jealousy. And there's no place for me on Sara's bed.

I don't know why I start to cry. But again the heavy anguish takes its place inside of my system when I go shower. I don't know where this sadness is birthed from. It just hurts me.

I call my mother in the bathroom. She picks up instantly and I can sense worry in her tone but I cannot buy it.

"Are you sure everything is alright?" she asks.

"Ya," I lie. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.

"Why did you call then? It's almost two in the morning. I was asleep."

"I'm sorry. I just..."

I decide to end the call but then she says, "Tegan, tell me."

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it. Go back to sleep." My mother sighs and I close the phone.

I sleep on my bed alone. I hug the Spongebob pillow but that doesn't count. When I wake up, I don't find Sara and Emy in the room. The room reeks of sex or maybe that's my jealousy, I don't know. The sex toys aren't there anymore and Sara's sheets have been changed. Was I really asleep all that time?

I make coffee. I cry a little bit more. I think of Sara and where she might be. Then I get dressed, telling myself I need air but I just need to look for her and find her anywhere.

I put up with the snow flakes falling all over my head. I look all around the campus. I look in the cafeteria. I look in the library. I look everywhere but the place she might be at, Emy's room. But she could be out as well, with Emy. They're probably in a cafe', drinking coffee and talking about how the sex helped them fix their relationship after my attempt to ruin it.

I give up eventually and stay in the library. I kill time by studying. I haven't been studying well because of her. Everyday seems like her spells are getting stronger and I'm falling harder. And it's the first time I feel so friendless and helpless. I wish my friends are all around me. I wish I can forget what I feel by spending some money. I wish I can drink and have sex and whine to Jeremy and feel okay. But I don't even have it within me to do all these things. It's obvious I'm charmed or cursed.

I hear sounds of heated discussion coming out of my dorm room. I listen to Emy and Sara's shouting. The discussion goes like this.

Sara: That's it. That's it. It was a mistake. Let's just not talk about it anymore.

Emy: It was a mistake because of you. You wanted it in the first place

I hear shuffling. I hear sniffling. I hear things being thrown around and rushed footsteps.

Sara: Yes. Okay. How many times am I going to hear this? I just thought...I just thought it will bring the spark to our relationship.

Emy: It's you who's not much into it.

Sara: Oh, for fuck's sake. Stop saying this.

Emy: I'm not a fool. She's right, you know. You ate her out as if you haven't seen cunt before while it took you all that time to do it for me.

Sara: Is that what it's all about? Because I was so lustful I pushed my face up her vagina? Isn't that what you kept moaning about? That I should be more open because this is a threesome? And please, it's not like I'm the one who got to come twice. No, let me finish. And if you think I don't know about what you're feeling for her, you're kind of don't really know me well.

Holy shit.

I run away from the door when I hear footsteps near. I pretend as if I have just walked up the stairs and is now heading towards my room. Emy leaves the room and we meet halfway. She looks at me with her blue eyes and I look at her with my less cold ones. She stops, blocking my way. She has a sweet face, but very icy eyes.

"I need to tell you something. I have to tell you something." Though when she speaks, her voice projects her inner timidness and innocence.

I nod and we walk down the stairs again. "Look, about last night," I begin to say.

"Tegan, I do not regret it at all." I stop in my place and look at her. I'm positive what I've heard indicated the opposite. "Though, you might have a hard time facing Sara," she says.

"I don't know why I did that. I just...I love dominance," I say. We start walking again. I notice she's leading me towards the cafeteria.

"You and Sara are so much alike. In strange ways. What you've done to me isn't new at all. Sara has done more."

"Oh, please." I chortle and she shakes her head with a little laugh. "Come on." She rolls her eyes. "Are you serious? Sara? The_ I'm too shy to let someone touch me in the light_ Sara?"

"That was long ago," Emy says. "Plus, she's dominant in darkness as well. Want coffee?"

"Yes, please." I take a seat and she goes to get both of us coffee.

I want more details about Sara. It feels like I don't know her. I'm surprised with something new everyday. It feels like she hides too much.

"Sara isn't really shy. She's just insecure," Emy says as she hands me my coffee and sits on the opposite direction. "You and Sara are like the same person to me. I don't know how it happened. I'm not talking about physical features only. I mean those are there but, you know, each has her own features. Personalities are different as well, I guess."

"What are you suggesting then?" I ask. I'm not sure where she's going. She's nervous, fiddling with her coffee cup.

"When you did that to me, it's like it was her. It felt great. I loved it. I love her so much and you are just the same...I love you...the way I love her." She looks down and my eyes go wide.

"What?" I ask loudly.

"I know. It's weird." She chuckles then continues, "I, myself, can't really absorb it. It just happened. I'm in love with both of you because you're like the same to me even though you're obviously very different. But in bed, the dominant side, the way you speak, I don't know. There's just this thing about both of you. It's stupid, I'm sorry." She takes a big gulp and wipes her mouth. I'm just speechless. "I know you don't love people." No, obviously I'm an emotionless sex monster.

"Does Sara know about that?" I ask.

"She has some clue. I mean, yes, I guess she does."

"Wow." I laugh nervously. "Wow," I say again. "This is too much."

"I'm sorry," Emy says.

"Isn't she angry about it? Jealous?"

"I guess." Emy shrugs. "Sara doesn't love me anymore."

"Don't say that. She was so jealous when I was doing you." Why am I saying that? Why am I trying so hard to know what Sara is feeling? "Who does she love then?" I'm trying so hard to make her fall for me when I'm not sure how I feel about anyone or anything.

"How should I know? She's a secret-holding machine." Tell me about it.

"I'm sorry, Emy," I say.

"Don't be. I'm just sick. I had this whole fantasy of dating the two of you."

"Well...that's kinda weird." I laugh. Emy's nice. I don't want to hurt her. But that witch, she can just wait. "Don't think Sara would allow it." I wink at her.

"Sara's very mad at you. I say just don't go there tonight."

"You have any other place I could be at?" I raise my eyebrows. Emy blushes. Oh boy, here we go. A girl is in love with me. The wrong one.

"I'd have you in if Sarah wasn't there." I nod. "Just be nice to her," Emy says. "God, I can't wait for this semester to be over. I just wanna get out of here for awhile. You're going home, right?" I shrug. "You have other plans?"

"Didn't really think much about it yet." I'm so not going home with my mum's boyfriend in there. She doesn't even want to spend Christmas with me. She wants to be with his stupid family. And then there is my dad and his girlfriend. Hell no. I'd rather stay here all alone but not go home.

I guess Emy was absolutely right. The dark monstrous wrath of Sara met me in a shape of a fist and hard knuckles knocking me out. I think I have went into a brief coma. I just opened my eyes and here I am with a bleeding nose. On the ground. With witch bitch straddling me.

"Oww." Another punch right where it hurts. I can't feel my nose or my lip.

Monster stands up and looks at me. Why is she so gorgeous even when she's a beast? I think I'm passing out. "I'm sorry," she yells. "No. I'm actually not. Fuck you." Okay. She's weird.

"You already did." I give her my special smile.

"Ya. And it was a fucking mistake. A stupid mistake. You're disgusting. You're filthy. And you have issues."

"All of that because I didn't get you to orgasm?" I sit up, shaking my head and wiping my nose. "That's how I play. That's how it is for me. You tease, you get punished, darling."

"Spare me your bullshit." I stand up and look at her eyes. If only looks could kill. Maybe her looks do. I feel like I'm losing power the more she looks at me. "You did this so I follow you around begging you to fuck me. Well guess what? You're fucking wrong."

"You're only mad because you're fucking jealous I fucked your girlfriend."

She pushes me and my head hits the table the TV is on. I push her back, not roughly. But then she pushes again and it really hurts so I push her till she's down on the floor.

One thing about me that I really despise, I cannot control my anger when it has been let out. I become a criminal. I hate that. Can I control it? I sure can't.

I only notice I have made half her face bleed when she's straddling me again. Two hands gripping my neck. She's crying but I'm just clueless and I'm too sad to even think of crying. I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I don't know why I want to hurt her anymore. I just want her to feel a taste of what I feel but is it her fault that I am awfully unlovable? I don't think so. I made her face look like a map. She's choking me and I can't even feel a thing but deep affection I'm not sure I can feel safe held by. But I certainly feel safe with her hands around me like that. I guess I'm sick and she's my sickness.

She lets go of me and buries her face in both hands. She's weeping while on top of me and I'm just looking at her as if I have died with eyes open. "You don't fucking get it. God, you're so stupid. Why can't you just get it?" She starts hitting my chest dramatically.

"I could say the same about you but I have a feeling both of us are talking about different things."

She slaps me. I don't even know why. I'm very sure I didn't say something stupid this time.

"I just wanted us to have fun and touch each other and then you had to go and be a bitch about it because I teased you for a bit? What are you trying to prove? That you're dominant in bed? That you can top me and take control? You're fucking stupid. You're so stupid."

My entire body hurts too much to respond to her. She cut my fucking lower lip and bruised my face and arms.

"And yes. I am jealous. I have every right to be jealous because my fucking girlfriend is in love with you and it looks like you're in love with her. Fuck you." She punches me again. "How could you?" And another time.

I guess she's more sick than I am.

I try to open up my mouth but I can only taste blood on my tongue. _Murdered by a psycho roommate whose victim was in love with her_. That will be written on my...wait no...I'm not in love with her. Okay, let me try again: _murdered by a psycho roommate whose fellow victim fancied her to the degree of death...and so fellow victim died._

I have to tell her I'm not in love with Emy. I don't even know how love really works or what it really is and how it feels. Like is it some throb in the heart that tells you you're in love with that someone? Or what is it? I don't get it. But I don't feel like that about Emy. I just want to fuck her because she's hot, and be her friend because she's nice. I mean I want more from Sara. I want to cuddle her. I want to kiss her. I want to have sex with her. I want to try nice sex with her. Like the really nice one in romantic movies. And I also want to fuck her against her desk. I also really want to go down on her. I want to go out with her to places and I want to talk to her for hours and hours and hours.

"I'm not in love with Emy," I finally say.

"Yes you are. I heard you talking to her outside the room. You were with her."

"Because she's a friend." I cough and wince when the pain increases the more she doesn't add to it. "I was just hanging out with her. I don't love her. It's purely sexual with Emy."

Sara stands up and chuckles. "That's what she said about you too but she's in love with you."

"I'm different from her. You know the kind of person I am," I say.

"Ya. A heartless whore," she says.

"I'm not heartless." And now she hit the right button that always makes me cry. And now I'm crying like an idiot in front of her.

She doesn't say anything. She walks to the bathroom and I stay on the floor. I hide my face and control my sobs. Is that what she wanted? To make me cry? Somehow she always wins even when I try so hard. I don't even know what I'm going for. But she always wins and I'm always on the floor. Just stupidly falling for her.

She leaves after awhile. Then she leaves the room and I slowly start to fall asleep after exhausting myself enough to do that.

I dreamt of Sara. Or maybe that's just her waking me up making me think I dreamt of her.

"If I didn't have serious back issues I would have carried you to your bed," she says.

I open my eyes and look at her. I blink. Her face is still somehow bruised but not bleeding much and I guess she hid some of my doings with make up. I close my eyes again and all the pain starts returning.

"Get up. Let's clean your cuts." She sighs. "God," she whispers. I open my eyes and find her on her knees, looking at my face as if I matter to her. "I fucked you up."

"It's a good thing that you know." I sit up a bit but decide the pain is just not worth it so I lie down again.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"You always say that."

"You hit me too."

"Self-defense." Bullshit.

She rolls her eyes and smiles for a bit. I don't know what for. "Maybe I'm too fucked up and I hit you for stupid reasons but you couldn't stop hitting me when you wanted to." She pulls both of my hands until I sit up again.

I rub my forehead and scowl at her. "It was all a mistake," I whisper and stand up.

"Yes it was." It wasn't though. But it's what she wants to hear. She wants to hear that.

She goes to the bathroom and grabs the pack of cotton. Then she grabs a bottle of gin, that I assume she has just bought, and sits on my mattress. She starts cleaning my wounds and I hiss with every sting.

She takes a swig of the liquor and pours some on the cotton then cleans the cut beneath my left eye. "I don't love Emy at all," I tell her.

"I got that," she says coldly.

"I'm sorry I ruined your relationship." She nods. She doesn't say anything.

"Just have sex with anyone you want but please leave me alone for now. You keep making it harder." I nod. I don't say anything more.

When she finishes cleaning my cuts, I take the bottle and drink all of it.

We sleep in different beds and we don't speak for two days. We don't touch ourselves in front of each other and each focuses on her tests.

Emy and I spend more time together but we also don't do anything more. I don't sleep with anybody else.

Emy said she and Sara can't even kiss anymore. They're just labeled as girlfriends but they don't act like it.

One evening I return from work and I find Sara packing her clothes. "Where are you going? We still have to take our finals."

I notice she's crying so I step away from her space. "I'm moving to another room."

"Why?" I ask.

"Because I can't take it in here anymore," she answers with a sniffle.

"Because of me?" She nods. "What did I do now?" I shout at her. "I'm avoiding you too fucking well. I'm not doing anything. I don't even touch you or talk to you. I'm minding my own fucking business."

She looks up at me with so much anger than I can take so I instantly lower my head. "When are you going to get it?"

"I can't get it if you don't spell it out. And if you think you're the one hurting so much, you're fucking wrong. Go talk to your girlfriend. She's fucking devastated. It was a mistake and we're over it. Get the fuck over it and act like you used to," I keep shouting. I don't make sense to myself anymore. "And you don't need to move. It's only two weeks and I'll get the hell out of your face. I'm getting an apartment. You won't see me here." I sit on my bed and I face my side of the room instead of facing her.

"You're moving out?" She cries even louder.

"Isn't that what you want?" I don't get an answer. "I won't let you move out on me like everybody did to my mother. We're not lovers. You don't get to do that." When I don't hear a sound I look back and I find her staring at me with a furrowed brow.

"Of course you don't get me. You can't even get yourself," Sara says and laughs to herself.

I stay up all night and wait for her to see if she's a witch. I wait all night to see if she's going to perform some special witchcraft on me. I stay awake all night to watch her sleeping. I stay awake all night talking to my mother who insists I should go back to sleep or wake Sara up and tell her I hold that stupid word called _love_ for her. I stay awake all night and wait for nothing. Maybe she knows I'm awake.

**Tegan**: _Do you believe in witchcraft?_

**Sonia**: _Sure. I read a book once about unwanted women casting spells on men to love them._

**Tegan**:_ It sounds like it's been written by some misogynist asshole._

**Sonia**: _It could be._

**Tegan**:_ Do you think she performed a spell on me?_

**Sonia**: _Ya. Most probably. A spell called growing up and getting feelings._

**Tegan**: _I have feelings!_

**Sonia**: _Of course you have. I meant other kind of feelings ;)_

**Tegan**: _Shut up. I don't wanna end up like you._

_She already wanted to walk out on me and we're not even together._

**Sonia**: _You told me that about fifty times. Can't you just ask her out and be with her?_

**Tegan**: _Three times. And NO!_

**Sonia**: _Why not?_

**Tegan**: _I don't know. Because of Emy ._

_She doesn't love me, mum!_

**Sonia**: _You're stupid. Of course she does._

**Tegan**: _People who love people do not walk out on them._

**Sonia**: _You seriously need to stop comparing yourself to me. I'm a fuck up, you're not. You don't have to be like me._

**Tegan**: _Like mother like daughter :P_

**Sonia**: _Trust me, Tegan. You're far from a fuck up. You're a good person and you're in love. Admit it to her. You won't lose anything._

**Tegan**: _I'll get rejected._

**Sonia**: _And what will you lose?_

**Tegan**: _Everything._

**Sonia**: _You insist?_

**Tegan**: _Duh!_

**Sonia**:_ There's just no use in helping you. I should sleep._

**Tegan**: _I didn't want your help. I wanted to vent._

**Sonia**: _Vent is over? I have work in the morning._

**Tegan**: _Yes. Go sleep and cuddle with your stupid boyfriend and leave me here._

**Sonia**:_ I wanna say some things, but I'm gonna shut up._

**Tegan**: _Good._

**Sonia**: _No hope in you coming for the holidays?_

**Tegan**: _No._

**Sonia**: _Alright. Goodnight._

**Tegan**:_ Bye._

I stay awake a little bit more. I sit on my bed and keep staring at her closed eyes and hearing her stupid heavy breathing.

I become hungry so I steal her chips on purpose and try to eat without making a sound. But that doesn't work out because now she's shifting and is about to wake up.

I hide the chips under my pillow and stay seated, waiting for her to get up so I can catch her doing her witchcraft.

She's so fucking stupid. Waking up like that. All cute and shit. One eye opens. Then the second. Then they both close. Then they both open like a monster opens their eyes.

She squints at me as she begins to sit up and I focus my gaze on her. "You think I don't know you wake up each night to perform evil spells?"

"What the fuck?" she says. She is looking at me as if I am the lunatic.

"You wake up each night to cast spells on me so I can like...want you and shit while you go there being a bitch only wanting Emy." She just nods.

"You know, I think I have changed a lot these three months thanks to you. I have a case to apply the things I study on." She gets up.

"Where are you going?"

"The fucking bathroom. I have to pee," she yells at me, but in a whisper.

I'm so stupid and I can't help it. She makes me be like this.

"I heard you peeing," I say when she leaves the bathroom.

"Are you on drugs? Seriously, tell me. Are you?" She walks up to me and inspects my face.

"No. Get away from me." I push her hands off when she starts touching my face. "We don't talk because we hate each other. Remember?"

"I don't hate you," she says with gritted teeth.

"I don't either." I lower my head.

"You're fucked up," Sara says. "You know how some people have like daddy issues? You have mummy issues."

"Both. I have both parents issues."

"Join the club," she says.

"You have parents who love you so shut the fuck up."

"You have parents who love you too so shut the fuck up," Sara scolds. "You know what we want? We want to feel like our parents are there. You with your own parents. Me with my biological fucking parents who left me without any fucking information about them. We wanna know they fucking care. Maybe my mother thought it's a good idea she gave me up to some rich people who wanted children. But she definitely didn't think about me wanting to know who I fucking am when I grow up. Do you think it's easy just sitting around wondering who gave birth to you and why they gave you up?"

"Why would it matter when you have what you want? Affection and money. Isn't that what we all look for? She could be poor as fuck. She could be dead. Maybe somebody found you. She could be a criminal. She could be anything. Just thank your lucky starts your parents' love isn't measured by money."

"You see, I thought that too." She starts crying. She goes to her desk and starts searching for something. "But I just want something real. I want to know her. I want to meet her. I want to know her story. It's killing me to do that." She walks back to me and gives me a test sheet.

"Oh my God." I gasp and look at the mark. "A-, Sara. You got an A-." She nods with a smile. But she is still crying.

"My mum thanks you." She sits on her bed again and cries more. "They think I'm too stupid to do anything on my own. They just want me to be like them. And that's what it is. I am not like them. Because they're not my own parents."

"Sara." I sigh. "They don't mean that. Your mum loves you and knows your smart. They just push you to be your best. My dad does the same. I get good grades, he gives me money. We're like equally fucked up." She finally laughs. I can't help but smile.

"Did you really think I perform witchcraft?" she asks me.

"Ya...because I'm fucked up and you're fucked up so like it was a high chance. I mean we're just really fucked up."

"You know who's even more fucked up, though?" I shake my head. "Emy. She's like so fucked up. She wants to date the two of us. Like she's really serious about it."

"She told me and I felt uncomfortable the way I feel uncomfortable now." I smile at her and she giggles and nods. "Ya, Emy is just fucked up in her own way."

Sara yawns then looks at me. A grave look is suddenly painted on her features. "Did you hook up with someone in here? I know it's not my business. I'm sorry."

"It's none of your business that's true. But no. I didn't." It almost feels like she cares about my out and about.

"Why not?"

"Because...I don't know. I don't know. I can't find anyone." She nods. "I'll probably like buy a strap-on tomorrow and like go fish for someone. It's the weekend." She nods again.

"Ya. Do that. Good luck." Thought that was going to make her jealous. I'm just an idiot.

The next day comes and I go for my strap-on and whore hunt. I take Emy with me because I'm clueless in sex toys. We don't tell Sara. I feel extra uncomfortable with a sprinkle of awkwardness caused by Emy's red cheeks.

"Can't believe you've had sex more than I did and you can't choose a dildo," Emy whispers as I look at the variety in all shapes and colours. I know how to get a vibrator or like something stupid, but not a dildo.

"They were always handed to me by these older women I slept with. I never really picked anything on my own." I reach out for a yellow dildo, the size of my middle finger but wider. Emy takes it away and puts it back.

"Really? You wanna fuck a woman with that? You can do better." She raises one eyebrow at me and I don't know why, but I fucking blush like an idiot. "How did you manage to sleep with older women?"

"My dad owns huge companies full of lesbians who love big boobs." I wink at her and she bites her lower lip. No, Tegan. Do not flirt with Emy. She's the red line you do not want to cross.

"Your boobs aren't that big," she says. She walks and I follow.

"For a fifteen year old they were." She looks back at me and smirks. I wonder if she's thinking of fucking me. Or me fucking her. Probably the latter.

"Here." She hands me a maroon dildo. "This one is good. This is like the one..." She doesn't continue and I nod, understanding already. "Anyway, that's a good size. six and a half is not too big not too small. You get that right?"

"Totally." I'm such a liar. "What about the straps?"

"What do you want?" she asks?

"I don't know." She smirks again and starts walking.

I get my strap-on at the end. Leather straps. Opened in the crotch area. So I can please myself according to Emy. The cashier thinks we're together and she doesn't stop smiling at us.

I hide the stupid sex store bag in my backpack and head back to the dorm with Emy. We find Sara studying and that's so strange that Emy and I think we're in the wrong room at first. No, seriously. Sara is actually studying on Saturday and she doesn't even have a test on Monday.

I go to the bathroom sneakily when she and her girlfriend start chatting.

I thought strapping this thing was going to take me awhile. But I did it quickly. I'm a fucking natural. The sight of the maroon cock bobbing up and down is alone making me want to fuck myself with it. But I want sex and I don't want to have it, I want to give it.

It's like the only person I want to be fucked by is Sara. But that just won't happen again.

When I leave the bathroom I see Sara in her coat next to Emy. "We're going to grab something to eat. Wanna join?" Sara asks.

I haven't been invited by Sara to eat with them since that day we fought. I haven't brought her coffee anymore. And now I'm suddenly asked to join. I want to go, but I want sex as well. Plus I'm not that hungry. And I'm in no mood to ruin my mood with my jealousy.

"No thanks. I'm not hungry. I'm just gonna go to the library." I nod and then I glare at smirking Emy.

**...**

When I return from my very unsuccessful pussy hunt, I find Sara on the floor. She's playing video games. She pauses and stares back at me panting and trying to catch my breath after running inside quickly. I have my hand on my heart and the other using the coffee table for leverage.

"Oh man," I say. "I can't fucking breathe." Breathing just becomes harder and Sara doesn't say anything. "Fuck." I throw myself on the sofa and spread my legs. I have a hand on my forehead and my eyes are staring at Sara's blank face.

"That's an asthma kid after sex," Sara says and I snort.

"Or a fuck up who was about to fuck a lady then was chased by her boyfriend." My hand finds the toy unconsciously and I jump. I forgot it's there. "I've gotten so bad at this since I came here. This place is all full of people with standards. Nobody wants to fuck a freshman anyway." Sara giggles.

"Tough luck," she says.

I'm not paying attention to her. It's like I have forgotten where I am and who I'm with. I simply unbutton my jeans and pull the dildo out of my briefs and laugh as it just stands there with me slouching on the sofa.

"Are you giving your fake dick a hand job?" I look up at Sara and my eyes go wide. Am I on drugs? No, no. I'm pretty sure I'm not. I let go of the dildo and try to hide my blushing face.

"Emy told me it was your first time pushing a dildo in someone the other day." Sara is now interrogating me. We were not supposed to speak about this anymore. We were not supposed to turn each other on.

"When did she tell you that?"

"Last week, I think?"

"Oh, so it's not today?" I had a feeling Emy knew it but fuck, how did she? "But how did she know?"

"I've been pushing dildos up her cunt for the past two years, she's not stupid. She said you were hesitant."

"Oh man, I was so bad." I slap my forehead. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't get to fuck someone.

"No. She said you were nervous, not bad," Sara says. "So it's true?" I nod with a sigh. She stands up and walks up to me. "You're a pillow queen."

"I'm not," I say.

"You totally are." She winks at me. She's pushing my buttons. She's doing it again.

And I lose my control and patience and take her by the arms roughly. I pin her down on the sofa and hold her face. "Do you really wanna fucking test my dominance? Because it seems like it's what you want."

"What if I want it?" I sit back and try to comprehend what she had just said. She opens her legs and giggles. "I want it," she says then swallows.

"Are you?" She nods immediately. "No no. Are you sure? Like, you know, what happened. I just don't want us to be like...God, it's so hard to talk seriously with this thing going up and down." I point at the dildo and she takes it in her hands. "Sara, for the last time. Do you really want to have dildo sex with me right now in here?"

"Yes. Right now. In here. Please." Oh my God. She's begging for it.

I take all my clothes off and she does the same. We're so quick and so turned on and it feels so strange but much better than the first and last time we had sex. Now it's us. Only us. She and I having awesome dildo sex on the sofa.

We kiss roughly and not passionately. We kiss with our hunger and need but I still cannot fight off the butterflies that are starting to connect me to Sara. I kiss her entire face like I've never kissed before and she moans so softly. I kiss and suck behind her ear and descend to her neck. I bite for a bit and look up at her. I smile and she smiles as well. My heart feels like it's been put in a car and the car is driving too fast for it to stay beating.

"Finally. Fucking finally," I whisper into her ears and she sighs in content. She has her legs wrapped around my hips, pulling me down on her. I sit up and face her. She smiles and rubs her eyes. "Are you sure we're not making a mistake?"

"I'm going to break up with Emy. There's just nothing more between us," she says. I reach for one breast and start kneading. She gives me a relaxed moan and smiles through it. I do the same to the second and watch her loving it. Then I focus on her nipples and I squeeze them. "Oh yes," she moans.

"You like that?" I ask.

"Yes. Pinch them. More. Yes just like that." I think Sara is the kind who enjoys pain in sex and it is kind of strange considering that she is, well, Sara. I wonder if she's nervous. I am very nervous. "Put them in your mouth. Don't let me teach you. You're the one trying to prove you're not a pillow queen." She knows how to let my anger rise and how to get me where she wants. I do as she wants. I bite and I suck and I hurt her the way she likes it and even more till she's squirming and pushing me off.

She sits up and groans. "Isn't there any moderation with you? That fucking hurt." She's touching one nipple and soothing the pain.

"Well, don't you want me to show you what I can do?" She lifts her head and looks up at me. "What do you want me to do?"

"Just do me with the dildo." She lies back down and gives me a view of her moist cunt. My hand reaches for her lips and spreads them. I laugh when I do, which makes her push my hand away and closes her legs.

"What's wrong?" I ask her.

"Did you use it on anybody before me?"

"No. I just got it today and it's been inside my pants since then." I shrug.

"Did you wash it when you got it?" Sara asks and I shake my head. She sighs and gets up.

"It's clean. Why are you going?" She hides in the closet and then returns with a condom. She sits up in front of me and I look down as her hand starts fiddling with the condom while I'm on my knees. "You have a cute bum," I tell her.

"I'll show you how to clean it after. For now let's be safe. I don't want any weird infections down there." She puts the condom on me and lies down again.

"How come you have condoms?" I ask.

"None of your business," she says.

If only she showed more feelings. It won't really kill her. "Come on," she says after a few seconds. I snap out of my thoughts and spread her legs. I take a breath and push a finger between her lips. "I'm wet enough. I would have gotten lube but I'm wet. I'm really wet." She's starting to blabber which shows she's as nervous as I am.

I don't want this to be just like, stick it in and that's it. I want a bit more. I lean down and start to kiss her again, but slower this time to focus on the feeling, whatever that is. I take a hold of the toy until I'm met by her wet entrance. She moans when I start teasing her with the head the way I have done that the last time. It's good nobody's eyes is on us and I have her all to myself. "Push it in," she says and I start to push a bit. "Oh God." She pushes me a bit and looks down. "Push more." I do as she asks. She closes her eyes and throws her head back. "Push it all the way in." I try to do that but I'm finding too much resistance. She's too tight for this and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. She has her lower lip bitten and eyes tightly shut. "You're doing it right. Just push." And I give the last thrust that makes her moan loudly. "Stay like that." And so I do.

She sits up and puts a hand behind her back. "Want a pillow?"

"That means you'll have to get out of me. This sofa is so uncomfortable. I need to spread my legs more."

"Here. Let me." I take her right leg and raise it till her heel is touching the back of the sofa. "That's gonna hurt like a bitch, though." She nods and puts the other leg on the ground. I'm still inside of her but I think I have slipped just a bit out.

"This is my first time ever having a dildo in me," she declares. I knew that but I thought maybe it had happened already in the past month or something. "You can move now." I plant a kiss on her lips and start rocking my hips. My hands both are grabbing the armrest as I begin to find a rhythm that makes us both relax.

She begins moaning when we start kissing again. I wish I can feel her insides and I bet she feels wonderful. I thrust with everything in me and she holds me with both hands, keeping my face buried on her chest, kissing it and teasing her and loving her...I guess. Maybe. I'm not sure.

But I'm sure of the feeling and it feels so amazing. Her skin is just tangled with mine and we're sweating together and moving together. My pace is quicker each time and now her legs are wrapped around my ass, pushing me more towards her. Her sweet melodic sounds are fucking beautiful. The most beautiful I've ever heard.

"It's so worth it," she whispers in my ears.

"What's worth it?" I kiss her shoulder and feel her moving with me. Her hips are meeting mine and my thrusts are meeting hers. My clit starts beating for more friction and the more I push the sweeter and more tense the pleasure becomes.

"Choosing the right someone to fuck me with a dildo. Man, it feels so good. So fucking good." She moans a bit too loud for her usual moans and I laugh. I'm finally giving her the pleasure I wanted to give her.

"I'm not hurting you?" I look at her fatigued eyes.

"It hurts as fuck and I can't feel my back but you have no idea what kind of pleasure I'm in." Her entire face is red but I think that's because she's hot not shy as she used to be. "Do you think the sofa is going to fall?" I look back and finally realize that the piece of furniture is rocking and our bodies are making sounds. They are making sex sounds. And they turn me on and make me not give a fuck about the stupid sofa or the people in the dorm.

I start thrusting with hard but very slow thrusts. With each one Sara squeezes my arm and squeezes her already closed eyes. I smile when I see the beads of sweat increasing on her temples. I smile when I see her tits bouncing whenever her body shakes.

Sara likes to tease and be teased and that's exactly what I do. I slow down and then I go fast. I go hard and then I stop all at once and rub her clit. I exhaust her so much that any thrust or touch makes her shudder because she's so close. She starts whining and squealing and I can't help but look at the toy disappearing inside of her pussy and appearing again. I reach for her labia and start toying there till I find her engorged clit. I circle the button and also one nipple in my other hand. She's arching her back and breathing heavily. She finds the hand that's on her breast and starts torturing it with scratches and squeezes.

My own hips are killing me but I'm drowning in a song of '_Oh Gods'_ and '_Tegans'_ as her body moves in waves with mine. The more I push the more I find resistance and the more her chants increase.

"I don't know what's happening. Tegan, oh God," she screams and kisses my hand everywhere and quickly. "Tegan. Yes, oh yes." She covers her mouth and screams into her palm. She's arching her back and moving her hips very quickly, trying to meet me before I meet her. And then I feel what's happening when I find so much resistance and so I pull out quickly but her juices are already flowing out and staining the sofa and my thighs and lower abdomen as well. I cup my mouth and try not to laugh.

Sara closes her eyes and whimpers. She closes her legs for a bit but then sits up and looks at the mess that's between her legs. "Oh my God," she yells. Now that red on her face is screaming embarrassment. "Did I just?" I nod, laughing and snorting while sitting down beside the wet spot on the sofa.

"You squirted. You ruined your sofa. You're fucking welcome." I laugh more and then continue, "Tell me I'm a pillow queen again." She rolls her eyes and slaps my upper chest. She finds my boob and gives it a gentle squeeze. She starts laughing as she sits next to me. The spot is between us.

"Never thought I'd get such an orgasm. Thought squirting is a myth. Actually thought it's pee...I didn't pee right?"

"Oh my God." I laugh more till my chest aches and I start coughing for air.

"Are you okay?" I nod. "You totally made it up for not making me come two weeks ago." God. I'm so fucked up. I bought this dildo with her girlfriend and then fucked her with it. I'm so fucked up. "I wanna ask you a serious question." I hum. "Okay, so..." She pauses until I look at her. "You kind of laughed twice whenever you like...you know, spread my labia. Like the other day and today. Is it funny looking?"

"What?" I laugh more. "Sara you're gonna give me a heart attack from laughter."

"I'm serious. I'm kinda insecure."

"About your labia?" She nods. "Wow." I laugh more. "I love your labia," I say. "You're so weird." She giggles. "I love your...female parts...and all other parts. Does that make you feel better?" She nods and smiles.

"I can't believe I...female ejaculated."

"Neither can I." I look at the wet spot. "We gotta clean all of that." She nods.

We don't say anything for about ten minutes or more. Then Sara says, "We're like really fucked up, aren't we? Way more than our parents or Emy."

"Oh, ya," I say. "We're totally fucked up."


	11. Chapter 11

**Sara**

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I didn't know it was going to be like this. I didn't want it to be like this." I can't stop crying. I can't even open my eyes and face her. I thought it was going to be easy but it wasn't. It's not. I can't believe I've done it. I told her that we are over. It feels like I just lost some important part of me. I haven't cried this much before over someone. Not even over Tegan the past weeks we weren't talking to each other.

"Shh," she says. "Stop crying. We're in public." I look up but I don't find anybody deeply concerned in my red and swollen eyes.

Emy is not crying. She is just staring at me with her head tilted to the side and her hands folded against her chest. I cry more because that part of me also already misses her.

I made my decision the past week. If Emy and I just have no connection at all, even if there is love, then there's nothing that ties us to each other. I guess Rob helped me figure it out. He told me to look for whatever I keep thinking about the most and choose it. It's Tegan. I think about her the most. I love her so much. And she can't even figure out what she feels for me or for Emy or for anybody.

After our childish fight I knew it was just hard to stay around her anymore when she didn't really know what she was doing. I looked for another room. I was ready. I was so ready to move on with my life and when she said she's moving I knew that whatever had happened was a terrible mistake. I was so ready to stop thinking about her. I was ready to leave Emy. I was ready to grow up and start studying and get the fuck out of here.

But then I made another mistake and I let her in again. I let her smile at me and I remembered why I couldn't move out suddenly. I just love her. I love her so much and she can't even feel it. And my mistake birthed another and I slept with her because my need was at its highest peak. I wanted her yesterday. I wanted her so much and I wanted to know what is it about her that makes me quake and quiver. Is it her smile? Is it the way she speaks? Maybe her body, I tried to tell myself. Maybe it is her heart and her humour or the innocence she forces herself to conceal. Or maybe I am so pathetic, I m attracted to her sadness because I want to be the one who makes her feel better and happy. I didn't get a result but I am so fucking in love with her and yesterday's sex just proved to me that if I left her and ran I will hurt myself more than hurting her.

And she's moving as she said. I couldn't really ask her about it. Yesterday was so good that I just wanted to keep it that way. I showered humming silly songs and composing new lyrics in my head about her. I daydreamed of silly scenes of us in a huge house together. Happy, dancing, laughing, and kissing. That's what I do when I fall in love. I daydream and then it all ends. I remember I used to daydream of Emy's and I's kids. I thought we'd reach that stage but now I can tell that I was so different before Tegan and now I'm the Sara that my parents wish I'd be. More serious, more focused, and more realistic.

Yesterday we had dinner together. I showed her how to clean the dildo and she said she will only use it on me. That part made me feel hopeful and worried at the same time. Hopeful that there is a chance I'm the only one she'd really fuck, and sad that there is a chance she will fuck others. I had to remind my mind constantly that change is good and it's part of the growing process.

Even though we slept in two different beds, when I woke up I found her sleeping next to me. My heart leapt and my entire frame shook with bliss. My mind was made up right away that my mistake should be fixed and Emy should not be tied to my tentative love anymore.

And now here I am in front of her in the restaurant. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore and then I cried and cried and cried.

"I guess everything we've been through the past month made me realize it all. I just don't want you to be in this stupid triangle," I say.

"Sara," she starts. "I don't know where to start, honestly." She sighs. "I've had my doubts. Since the very beginning. Since before Tegan I felt us straying. You started changing. I guess that's just part of growing up, maybe. I actually liked the change because you started caring about your future. You started worrying. You started thinking about what's going to happen. Then I realized I was not really included in your thoughts. And so I started making my own." I nod.

"You've changed as well. You suddenly started going to expositions and displaying your art. People started liking what you do. It made me feel left out. I felt like a loser. I felt like you were going to graduate and leave me. I was worried about it, actually." I cough and reach for my tea. I know I should have been happy for her and I really was, but I was more jealous of her than happy. I know it's selfish, but I couldn't control it.

"No. I wasn't going to do that." She taps her fingers against the table and continues, "Then Tegan came and it was like a roller coaster ride. One day you were chasing me out of nowhere and the other you were ignoring me. Often you were in your room all the time and you never picked up the phone. I started getting closer to her on purpose to understand what's going on."

"And that made me so jealous of you two because you have this bond that she and I cannot really have because all we do is fight or..." I do not continue. I lower my head and hear bitter laughter.

"Fight or fuck," she says, not asks. "Ya. Then I figured you're somehow cheating on me because Tegan can't really lie and everything felt strange. So I insisted we have a threesome. I kept insisting. I also noticed your change in behaviour when it came to sex. You're suddenly not shy or nervous. You're suddenly so confident and wanting to try new things. And even though you were really dominant since ever, there's just this thing that changed about you. Your whole aura. All of you suddenly changed and I knew the reason was her."

"It wasn't really cheating in the means of cheating," I say. But who am I kidding? Cheating emotionally is ten times worse than regular cheating. And that's why I want to fix it up and leave Emy even though I'll feel empty and I'll hurt her. At least now I can cheat my own person. I can fool my mind and imagine scenes with Tegan. Imagine love with Tegan.

"I don't want to know what was it exactly. I just...I feel really sad right now." Her sentence breaks and her voices trembles. And then she starts crying.

"I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"How am I going to get over you?" Emy says with a soft sob. "And I fell for her too. It's messed up, Sara. I've never been so messed up. But you, I fucking love you. And now there's just...nothing."

"I'm still going to be your best friend and love you. Just not that way." Even the guilty smile I give her is pathetic. She wipes her tears and nods.

"When did you know you were in love with her?"

"I think a part of me always knew. It was always there. I just did. But I was so sure of it when I kissed her. It just felt right and felt refreshing." She nods again. "I wish she loved me." She nods a third time.

"Telling her isn't an option?" she says all of a sudden. I shrug. "Maybe you should."

"I mean if I did and didn't it's the same. Her mind is set that everyone out there is going to leave her and dump her. She can't let go of this concept. But maybe I'll tell her. After finals, before she moves out, I guess."

"We were looking for apartments. Not a very good luck on her part." How hard it must be for Emy. To sit here in front of me and sit there in front of her and be a friend to both of us while she's in love with both of us and none of us are in love with her that way. She has the courage that I can never have. She has the super powers of a big heart that's empty of jealousy. She has a heart better than mine and it makes me envy her and admire her. "I have a class. I should really get going," Emy says.

"Oh, ya. Me too." I stand up and she does too. "I guess I'll..." I point at the door and she nods. It's awkward and uncomfortable. It's not the same anymore.

I go before she does. Even though we are going the same way, we both know it's better each leaves on her own.

At lunch I meet up with Tegan in our room. She's already there waiting for me when I enter my room. She smiles at me as soon as she sees me. Her entire face lights up and mine does as well. Her hair is longer and her silly bangs aren't there anymore. They're longer now but still look as if they've been munched on while she was asleep. A giggle escapes me as soon as I remember our first day. I remember her attitude and mine and how things have changed since then. I thought I was going to hate her and now I love everything about her even her irritating behaviours. I love even the most annoying little quirks, like her toying with her labret piercing, snorting like a baby pig, leaving her clothes on the floor, chewing with a mouth open, and more and more. I love them all even though if it was another person I'd be repulsed.

"Hey you," she says when I walk up to her. Her arms are spread and I dive into her offered hug. I hold her tight and sigh on her shoulder. Then I look up at her and her face is glowing with a beet red colour. She leans in and kisses my lips so softly and I close my eyes and smile. It feels amazingly relaxing to be encircled by the heat of her skin and her natural scent.

"Hey," I finally respond after pulling away.

"You're a cute heartbreaker." She pokes my nose with her index and I laugh.

"She told you?"

"She did," Tegan says. She gives me an apologetic smile. "Don't let her know I told you but she cried a lot and I felt terrible. I thought she was never going to stop crying. At the end she was just making some weird sound with sniffles and hiccups." I try to imagine it, which only makes me start crying. I can't believe I've hurt Emy because I'm in love with a girl who only wants sex from me. But I can't help it. I just love it. "Oh, shit." Tegan wipes a couple of tears trailing down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Sara. I really am."

"It's not your fault." I sniffle but tears continue falling. "I think it's just...I'm just cleansing all my emotions, you know. Like I just feel better crying now."

"Aww, Sasa." She hugs me again and tighter till I gasp for air. She laughs and lets me go. "You're so cute with your nose running and your face full of snot and tears."

"Gross," I yell. "Oh my God. That's disgusting." She laughs harder as I walk to my bedside table and grab a tissue. I blow my nose and try to overcome the embarrassment.

I mean, I've seen her bloody underwear and I've thrown up on her. Wait, I squirted on her. I should not be shy because of this.

"Don't worry about Emy. She assured me she's going to be fine. I promised her we'll find a hot girlfriend for her." Tegan gives me her significant gummy smile and a thumbs up.

"You're really close to her, huh?" I ask.

"Jealous?" Tegan winks.

"Maybe," I tease and smile.

"I really enjoy her company. She puts up with my bullshit. She says it's like hearing you talk. Kinda creepy." I laugh and nod.

"I wanna show you something." The heat climbs up to my forehead and cheeks as I face her. She's standing against my desk. I take off my red coat and throw it on my bed. Then I unbutton my jeans and pull them down. Tegan is giving me a devilish smirk but I roll my eyes and point at the bluish bruises on my inner thighs. She gasps immediately and kneels down in front of my legs. She parts them a little bit and touches the dark spots.

"Oh, babe," Tegan says. I shudder when I hear the word and feel her touch. "Does it hurt?" She kisses one dark circle and I shudder again, not because it hurts but because her lips give me a special kind of shake to my entire system.

"No. I just have sensitive skin. Must be from all the thrusting." She kisses again and it makes me whimper. She holds both of my hips. She kisses and licks the skin of my inner thighs. Whenever she reaches my bikini area she strays away from it. It only fuels my hunger and snipes my need. "What...what are you doing?" My octave is scratchy and coarse.

"I want to have a little taste. Can I?" she asks politely, and I can't even say no. I just nod quickly. "The scent of your arousal intoxicated me somehow."

"Oh, God." A nervous laugh escapes me as I look down at her looking up at me. I turn my head to the side and turn back again to see her still looking. She gives me an innocent laugh with her deep timbre and I sigh. I give her a nod. It doesn't take her more than half a second to pull my underwear to the side. My cunt meets her eyes and she inhales. I try to hold my breath but the result is my face becoming crimson with bashfulness. "Do you...think we have enough time?"

"Be a good girl and don't tease yourself so we don't take much time. Don't hold back when you feel it coming." I nod quickly and wait for her.

Tegan takes a hold of my ass cheeks and pulls me closer to her face. She pecks my clit while looking at me looking at her. My breaths become rougher with every peck on that particular part. She builds up my arousal till the desire in my clit all accumulates in its nerves, making me feel the pulse that's happening right there, throbbing for just a little touch to explode.

"Please, please," I say. I take a hold of her hair and keep her face there. When she laughs, the vibrations of her laughter hit me right where I want and I give her face a tiny hump.

She squeezes my butt cheeks and opens her mouth. I look at her round puffy lips. She licks the lower one and touches the hood of my clit with it. I blink to endure the need and watch what she is doing. I thought she wasn't going to tease but I thought wrong. Her tongue pokes out of her lips and touches the hood of my clit. I blink again and hiss. Then all of a sudden I see her two lips enfolding the bundle of nerves and embracing it with a hard suck. My vocal cords can't help themselves so they push a scream past my lips. Her tongue circles and she sucks and my head and heart almost stop functioning. She holds me closer to her but I feel as if I am going to fall the more I arch my back.

Tegan starts bobbing her head to both sides while building a new type of pleasure Emy did not build before. How can she do this? It's like my insides are screaming. It's like I have lit thousands of lights in all my body parts and all of them are igniting a sexual ecstasy even in the most ordinary parts. From my fingertips to my toes. I can feel the pleasure building up and rising. I can feel the celebration in my insides.

I lift up my blouse and lower my bra. I look down at my breasts freed from the cups and cup them with my hands instead. I squeeze and feel my nipples begging for a touch right there. The most thing I love other than someone going down on me is my nipples brutally pinched, bitten, and sucked on. It gives me extreme pleasure that I cannot describe. Emy did not like that. She only liked soft licking and that's it.

Tegan lets go of my clit and I watch the strands of saliva still connected between her lips and my own other lips. She pushes her tongue between my slit and I moan. She does too. I take both nipples and pinch the harder I could as she glides her tongue up and down between my lips. I slowly start bucking my hips and ride her face.

But then she stops and looks up at me. My clit is pressed on her chin and it's the thing I'm basically humping with eyes closed until I realize she's staring at me. "You like pain right there?" She gestures for my chest with her eyes.

"Ya." My voice comes up whiny and so low. I almost laugh at myself, but I don't. "It makes my entire body feel good."

"Then you'll really love a nipple piercing." She kisses my mound. And it's only then when I notice that it's full of tiny slowly growing hair. My eyes widen for a short moment but then I jump when I feel her finger at my entrance. "We don't have much time. I wish I could, like, eat you out so well right now." She pulls her finger out, though. She kisses the place where my pubic hair is growing.

"I don't want that. Then I'll be like you. Too sensitive to be touched there. I love when someone plays with my tits. It's my favourite thing." I reveal something I have never revealed to her and she smiles at me.

"I'll so do that but your pussy is my priority right now." She winks and lowers her face to where I want it again.

It's like I'm sitting on her face but I'm not really. She has a good hold of my hips so I won't fall. I feel her tongue again toying with my folds and tasting my juices. She spreads my lips and then I feel the warmth and softness of her tongue slowly making its way inside of me. I hiss and bite my lip as she starts tongue fucking me. I look down and I notice she's staring at me. Slowly, I start riding her face as I feel my walls stroked gently. Her nose is pressed against my clit and it gives me the right pleasure I'm looking for. My moans begin to make a sound and my hands both find the back of her head. I really hope she's going to have time to fix her hair because I'm making a mess of it now.

My pleasure hails me all at once and I think of fighting it by tightening my own walls but I don't. I arch my back and push the pleasure out of me as it takes me to the edge. The wave takes me so high that I rub my entire pussy on Tegan's face, feeling its features right there and feeling ashamed with myself. Her teeth bite my lips and I scream as my come flows out of me and right inside Tegan's mouth. Her tongue returns again, going over each tiny detail she now knows exists there, and cleans all my inebriant juices.

She pulls away and looks at me. I notice her face is full of sweat and my fluids and all I want to do is hide my own face right now. "Thought you were going to squirt on me for a second. I have to admit, even though I worried about my hair getting ruined, I really kind of wanted it to happen. Too bad it didn't."

"I...I don't know how it happened last time. It just did. It was just too intense. Not that this one isn't, but like...ya, that one...ya it was, it was..."

"Shhh..." She pecks my clit again and that shuts me up and makes me stop my blabber. "Okay. Let's help you sit and change." She lowers me down slowly until my bum hits the carpet. I fall down instantly and my head hits the floor. I try to find the regular rhythm of my breathing as Tegan stands up and walks to my dresser. "Want your puffer?"

"No. I'll be alright." She walks up to me and takes my shoes then jeans off. "You have to clean your face and hair."

"I'll wash up." She miles at me as she pulls my underwear down my legs. "I love making you come. There's just this thing about making girls so vulnerable in your own hands. And then you see their most intimate expressions on their faces and it's just so beautiful. Especially strong girls. You know, the way they come undone and soften up to you. I really love that."

"You think I'm strong?" She helps me put a black lace underwear she's picked for me. I laugh at her choice and she winks.

"Love lace on ya," she says. "And yes, you're very strong. You have this..." I start dressing my person again as she strives to find the words. "I don't know. It's this power. It's like a shadow that pulls me towards you. And honestly," she says with a low voice, "I've never felt like this towards anybody before."

"Really?" I ask.

"Mhm." She nods. "It's kind of like...magical." A nervous chuckle leaves her lips.

"You know," I say, "I'm just a witch." I wink and shrug. She laughs and gets up. I watch her as she walks to the bathroom and I sigh to myself. I fucking love her.

In the evening, Tegan returned from work with a cup of coffee for me. Just like the old times. She said she's going to shower so I decided to video chat my mother.

"Your father and I are so proud of you," she says.

I nod and put a piece of chips in my mouth. "If, like, I continue passing and getting these marks I can like graduate next year."

"Don't overload yourself. Don't take too much subjects, honey."

"Don't you want me to graduate, though?" I ask.

"Well, sure. But I don't want you to stress yourself, Sara. Plus, it looks like you're enjoying your time with Tegan." She winks at me.

"Mum." I gasp. "She's in the bathroom."

"What did I say?" She laughs.

"You know..." I do not continue. "Just...don't hint that I have some feelings towards her or anything. She's my friend now and like...ya."

"Wait," mum says. "It's over with Emy?" Her mouth is wide open.

"Yes." I nod. "Why are you so shocked? I told you it's all fucked up." She nods. "Look, I know you liked me Emy, but she's you know, my friend right now, and like Tegan, she's like, I don't know, it's complicated."

"Oh dear." She sighs. "I just want you to be happy and be with someone you love. I don't care who it is." I give her a sincere smile and look at the door. I can still hear the water so it's safe to say Tegan hasn't heard any of this. "I'm gonna go check on the dinner, I'll be right back." I nod and she goes.

I change my position from lying on my stomach to lying on my back. My laptop is behind my head. I finish what's left of my chips and wait for mum to return. I can't hear the water anymore so I guess Tegan is done with her shower. But then I hear a meow and I jump. I look behind me and find Lucifer on the sofa my mum was sitting on while talking to me.

"Oh hi Luci," I say as I switch my position once again. "I miss you, little buddy." The cat only meows at me. "Mummy's gonna return so soon. Don't you miss me?" I pout my lips intentionally at him. "So whatcha been up to these past months? Got a girlfriend?" I wink at the cat and laugh at myself. The cat purrs in return. "Looks like you had some really good time. Made girl cats swoon and all."

"Got that on tape," Tegan yells from behind me and I scream, which makes my cat meow loudly and fall off the couch. She starts cackling infuriatingly and I try to overcome the fright that has just hit me. "That's so fucking cute, dude. You speaking to that pussy as if it's someone who understands. You call yourself mummy." She continues laughing, holding her camera, and snorting disturbingly.

"Motherfucker, what the fuck is wrong with you?" I shout at her and she freezes all of a sudden. I hear soft giggling from behind me. I turn around and watch my sister facing the camera with Lucifer on her lap. "Joy, hi," I say. "You didn't hear that. I mean don't tell mum I said that in front of you." I laugh nervously.

"Said what in front of her?" My mother appears quickly and sits next to my sister. "Oh, Tegan, hi sweetie?" Great, the whole gang is here.

"Hey, Jessica. Hey, Joy," Tegan says and waves. I motion for her to sit next to me and she does.

"What were you saying in front of your sister, Sara?" My curious mother can't let anything get past her, can she?

"It's nothing. I cursed at Tegan and Joy heard me." I shrug. I mean what the fuck? Kids are going to grow up and learn these words. Why are parents so fucking careful not to say these things in front of their children? It's not like they're never going to learn them?

"What does motherfucker mean?" My eyes widen when Joy asks that. "And what does fuck mean? She always says it." She gives me a wicked smile after asking again.

"Sara," my mother shouts. Tegan's lips are pressed tightly and I know she's trying her best not to laugh. "How many times have I told you to watch your mouth? You know what? You tell her what it means."

"Me? You're her mother." My mother shrugs. "It's just a bad word. Joy, it's a bad word. Don't say it to anybody."

"Then why did you call Tegan that?" Tegan wiggles her eyebrows at me, making me want to slap the living hell out of her.

"Because she's Tegan," I say with a smug smirk that makes Tegan frown instantly.

"Sara," mother shouts again but louder. I roll my eyes and listen. "Apologize to your friend right now." I can see Tegan's evil fucking smirk from the corner of my eye. "Tegan, I'm so sorry my daughter is so rude to you."

"She's rude to me too," I chant like a six year old child. "What the? Mother, I'm twenty four, what am I trying to prove to you here?" Tegan finally laughs loudly. My mother joins her laughter but in a more reserved tone. Like an old lady laughter.

"You must be pretty excited leaving her for about a month and going to see your family, huh?" And now there is the old lady investigation questions. I see what you're trying to do, Jessica.

"Oh, no. I really enjoy Sara's company. It's...refreshing." The scowl I had for the past five minutes turns into a huge foolish smile. Joy awws obnoxiously from the screen and I give her a dirty stare to shut her up.

"Lucifer is going to puke seeing his mum flirting like that." My mother shushes Joy and smiles at us. I somehow start to feel uncomfortable only because I notice Tegan is kind of is as well.

"Alright, Sara. We'll go now. We'll talk soon, alright?" I nod. "Please book a flight already and give me the time of your departure and arrival so I tell your dad to pick you up from the airport."

"Mum, it's still early. Two more weeks, remember?" Tegan sneaks her hand to my right hand and touches it. I flinch and look at our hands. I look at her thumb rubbing my palm and take a breath.

"Yes, but it's the holiday season, you won't find a flight. Sara, you hear me? Book a flight right now, sweetie. Do you want me to book for you?" I'm not paying much attention anymore because my brain has already departed family land and just hopped on lust and love land. Lust before love because this is Tegan and if she knows this is love she's going to laugh at me.

"No. I'll...I'll book a flight now. I...gotta go." Somehow my clit reminds me that it's an important part of my body and I feel a bit selfish because I've been pleasured twice by Tegan and I haven't given her a thing.

"Oh, alright," my mother says. I really hope she can't see that Tegan's hand is messing around everywhere on my lower half. "Study well, sweetie." I nod, so ready to close the chat. "Goodbye."

"Bye," I say quickly.

"Goodbye, Tegan." My heart jumps when I hear my mother's stern voice and watch the intense stare she has just given Tegan. Maybe it's just me. Tegan says goodbye casually while drawing figures on my clothed clit. We're both sitting on our stomachs and she sneaked her hand there.

I close the chat and turn off the computer then turn around changing my position again. I exhale dramatically and spread my legs, allowing her fingers to march on my clothed cunt.

"Your mum totally knew what's going on."

"So it's not just me? Oh my God," I shout and she laughs. "I'm so fucking embarrassed."

"I tried to play it cool and like...act as if I'm not doing anything, but God knows, I think I wet my pants." I giggle and face her. She's resting beside me.

"What kind of wetness is that?" My voice is somehow sensual and my octave is deeper than it usually is.

"Ohhhh, not the sexy kind." She wrinkles her nose and I just laugh stupidly because I'm lost in love with her. "Although," she says, "I'm kinda pretty sure I have that kind of wetness too." I scream louder than ever when she pinches parts of my vulva through my sweatpants. My eyes widen when she pinches my lips, squeezing my clit between them.

"Holy fuck." I gasp. "Tegan," I moan her name and she makes that beautiful sound that I really like. It's like a very soft moan instead of saying 'yes'. "You've been doing me only and I haven't touched you."

"Because I want to. I told you, I just love it watching you grow so small and then huge in my hands." I squint my eyes; and so she elaborates, "You know, like a flower. You are close and folded when I'm fucking you, then when you're hitting your orgasm it's like the flower has bloomed and all of it has opened so I could see all its petals. Then after that you shrivel and close and become so tired. It's so fucking sexy knowing I've done that."

"Oh," I say.

"Does that turn you off? I'm sorry, I don't mean to, you know...compare you to something like that. I mean, I know you don't like that but I..." I just kiss her to shut her up. She doesn't shut up when she's nervous. Kind of like myself.

I let Tegan touch me again. She said it's okay if I didn't touch her. She told me to relax and just enjoy her touch. She undressed me carefully and slowly. She spread my legs and touched my folds. She fingered me this time while looking at me. Then she spent the time sucking my breasts and pinching my nipples. The harder she pinched them the more painful it felt, and the more amazing it actually made me feel. So I just let her hurt my breasts till my nipples were dark enough to be classified as unattractive. And I let her finger me till I blossomed like a flower in front of her and then shriveled and died.

Then we made dinner. Which was really just breakfast for dinner because we were simply too lazy to cook something. Tegan showed me her mother's recipe of _No Time Omelet_ as she called it. She told me that her mother cooked that for over a month each night when she broke up with her stepdad. It was that same stepdad who has touched her inappropriately. Her mother was too upset after that. She just couldn't cook or speak with anybody. So Tegan ate that each night for over a month when she was nine. It was just a regular omelet with tomatoes and onions in it. It fooled Tegan to eat the omelet because regular ones with only the eggs were too ordinary for her liking as a child. The information made me want to hug Tegan and make her something better to eat. But I didn't do that because I'm not sure how to approach Tegan when she speaks carelessly of these matters.

**...**

I studied my ass off today and now I'm all very sleepy and tired. Tegan studied too today. We didn't have sex today. We ate lunch with Emy in the cafeteria. She and Tegan kept gossipping about Theresa and Lindsey being together. Evil combined itself. I did nothing but think about Tegan searching for an apartment and leaving me. Emy only said one thing about it. She asked Tegan whether she has found something but Tegan dismissed the subject by changing it without even giving her an answer. It made me feel like they're hiding things from me. And now I just feel jealous. So I was kind of bitchy to Tegan all day. Even when she brought me coffee and a piece of chocolate mousse cake, I didn't really soften up. She didn't ask what's wrong. She looked at me for a few minutes then went to the bathroom.

Now I'm in bed trying to sleep and she's watching television in silence. I can only hear the sounds of the animated cartoon she's watching and the sounds of my head pounding. They are both competing against each other. Which will make my head explode?

"Tegan?" I sigh, deciding to tell her to turn off the television. She hums in return. I do not take my head out of my duvet so I'm not sure if she's looking at me or not. "Can you please turn off the television? I'm trying to sleep."

"It's not even nine yet. Are you okay?" she asks.

"I just have a really terrible headache," I answer. She doesn't say anything.

A moment later the noises from the television die. And another moment later I feel Tegan's weight beside me. I open my eyes and see her sleeping next to me under the duvet. I shift my body more so I leave more space for her. She shifts hers as well till there's no space between us. She switches her position till she's on her side and she tries to hug me. A part of me wants to surrender to her touch and another part wants to stay upset with her. I give in to my tender part and shift to my side and hug her. She starts coughing continuously so I pull away and lower the duvet to expose our heads to the oxygen in the room. Her coughing decreases and I begin to hear soft wheezing coming out of her lungs.

"Tegan?" I ask. "Your coughs are worrying me lately." She giggles and her breaths hit my cheeks.

"I think I'm getting sick. It always happens. I should probably go back to bed. I don't wanna_"

"No," I shout. "Stay."

"Oh. I thought you're kinda mad at me?"

"Kinda," I admit.

"Why?"

I do not give her an answer for several minutes. She gives my side a little nudge. "I don't want you to move and leave me."

"Oh," she says. "I...I thought..."

"No," I shout once again. "No," I repeat. "I...Tegan, no." I just wish to tell her I love her and want her near me. I just really want to. "I wanna be with you..." She doesn't respond. "I'm sorry, that's stupid. I'm so sorry. I know you don't want that. I'm so fucking sorry. Look, forget I mentioned it."

"Wanna move in with me?"

"Huh?" Now I can hear only the sound of my heart thumping and my breaths rising.

"I asked you if you want to move in with me. I found a little apartment. West Point Grey. One room, one bathroom, a kitchen. Ya not much...Oh, and a living room."

"Point Grey is expensive. And it's kinda far?" My heart is still drumming.

"You missed the whole point. I want you to move in with me," she repeats. "I mean if you want to."

"Uh...ya," I say quickly. "I do." I sit up and switch on the lamp on my bedside table. Move in with her as what? Her girlfriend? Her friend? One room? "But like..." I take a nervous breath.

"Don't panic," she says. She sits up. "The apartments in Wesbrook Village were more expensive. I was thinking of getting a roommate, but I'll have to find one with umm...another bedroom."

"I can be your roommate. Help you with rent."

"You don't work, though." I have to tell dad and mum. I have to move in with her. This is my opportunity of leaving this place. This is everything I want to.

"I'll ask dad to help me."

"That's not fair for him," Tegan says. "You don't have to pay. I want you with me. To share the apartment with me. If it's okay with you to sleep next to me each night for the next I don't know how many years." If I didn't know better I'd say she's asking me to be her girlfriend.

How I wish my dream would come true and I'll share a place with someone I love. But they love me too.

"Ya," I say. "I would love that." I don't think my smile will be erased anytime soon. "I'd really love to share a bed with you for the next_" Tegan's phone ringtone cuts me off.

We both look at her Nokia buzzing on her mattress. She walks to her bed with a long sigh and reaches for it. She looks at the screen and puts it to her ear without any expression.

"Hey, Mum." I hear her mother greeting her cheerfully. I rest my head against the headboard and wait for her. "Nothing. Just talking to Sara and all." She winks at me. I giggle in return. Tegan walks up to my bed and sits beside me. "Ya, I am," she says. "Pretty good actually. Oh, and I found an apartment." I hear her mother talking about the cost of the apartment and how she's going to get the money. "Well dad said he's going to give me some in Christmas and I have savings from my job. I can handle it." I hear more talking and close my eyes. "What the fuck do you mean?" I open my eyes right away when Tegan's deep octave sharpens in my ears. "What the fuck is this? Are you blackmailing me? No, no, you know what, fuck you and him and your stupid money. Is this like, what? A bribery? Is this your way of love? What is it exactly? This is stupid." Tegan is fuming next to me. She is crying as well. I hear shouting from her mother. I touch her thigh to stop her from shaking. It doesn't work. "I don't want your stupid money. I don't want to come. I won't come and I'll fucking manage it on my own and I'm going to fucking move and have a great fucking life without you two in it." Her last sentences before she threw her phone across the room come with a shake and a sob between each word.

I know Tegan has anger issues and it's scary to approach her but I do anyway and try to calm her down. I try to shush her as she cries and clenches both of her fists. I don't say anything and wait for her. She screams frustratingly and throws my pillow to the ground as well. I get up and get my pillow and her phone. I place the phone on her bedside table and return to my mattress.

I sit there and wait till her tantrum is over. I've never seen Tegan cry like that. With all her heart and all her soul. With hiccups and sniffles and hair pulling and weeping. With each whimper or whine my heart sinks a bit more.

"Please calm down," I whisper so gently, very scared the blow might hit me. "Is everything okay?" She shakes her head with a wail. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"It's...they fucking." She coughs and sniffles. "My dad said he won't give me money if I don't go there for the holidays." She coughs again and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. Unconsciously, I wrinkle my own nose, which makes her put her hand away with a jump. "Can you believe it? That's how they tell me they love me. By money. You come here, we give you money. You don't, you don't get money. Everything is money, money, money to them. Like I get it, without money everyone would be fucked up and poor. But like why can't they just..." A loud cry escapes her before finishing her sentence. "This is what they do instead of telling me they'll sacrifice not being with their partners and be with me." It's not really something to cry this much about but I guess it is to her. Maybe Tegan is right. Maybe I should be thankful I have a family who cares even if they're not my own family.

"I'm really sorry, Teetee." I take a breath and decide to just hug her. And when I do, she positions her head right on that spot against my chest. She continues crying right there and I stroke her hair. I feel selfish admitting this but God, I love it when she's so vulnerable and miserable and I'm there to make her feel better. The way she loves it when she makes me reach my highest peak with an orgasm she gives. "You...you're going to stay here alone?" I stutter, not really knowing if it's okay for me to ask or not.

"It's better than being there," she says a bit defensively.

"Is it that bad?" I ask again, dreading the outcome.

Tegan sighs and pulls away. She looks at me. She has calmed down a bit. I reach for a tissue and hand it to her. A small silent laugh escapes her lips. I smile and she blows her nose. "My parents aren't bad people with me. I don't want to give that false impression. I guess I'm just fed up with their concept of love. Since I was young, everything I did they rewarded me with a gift or with money and so that's how I understood love. Something kind of materialistic and forged. That's why it's...it seems like a myth to me. You know, love?" I nod. I guess I can see where she's coming from. "But now I'm here and I see how Emy loves you. How your parents love you and how you love them. I see that love really...it's something else and it's something you do with your heart." I nod again. "And I...I kinda..." She shakes her head. "Ya, now I guess I just want to be loved that way."

If she only knows. If I can only tell her. Why can't I just do it?

"I don't want you to spend the time alone here. Christmas, New Year's eve...I don't want that." She gives me a helpless lopsided smile.

"I don't want to give in and go back to them, Sara. I want them to get the message."

"Can't you talk to them?"

Tegan shakes her head and says, "I want them to realize it. I want them to understand it. I told them I wanted to spend it with them. I want to be with them. They just don't get it. I don't have to spell it out for them to hear it. If they cared, they'd get it." I'm pretty sure her parents do care. They don't seem like terrible people. They simply show their love differently. But for someone like Tegan and all that she's seen, I think it's necessary she be fed with the kind of love that suffocates her. The love of my own parents.

"Wait," I chant loudly. "Come with me. Spend the holidays with me."

"Sara?"

"No, listen. I want you to come with me. May mum would even love that. We'll spend the time together. Please? It's really fun there. We all wear matching reindeer onesies on Christmas eve...Even Lucifer and our housekeeper, Jane." Her eyes widen and I see the look of terrified shock in her eyes. "Just kidding." I guffaw loudly at her reaction.

"My God." She pushes me. "For a second I thought that you guys are the worst nightmare of a family." I laugh more and squeeze her hand. "Are you offering this because I asked you to move in with me?" She raises her eyebrows.

"You know? I actually forgot about that," I say. "But ya. Consider it a deal or an offering."

"But..."

"Don't hesitate. It's going to be fun and okay. I'm really happy I get to share this room with you and will share an apartment too. I want to share more, even the holidays." I finally let a piece of my thoughts out, biting my lip while my stomach cries of nerves.

"It will be okay with your family? Don't you want this time for you guys alone? Plus...I'm really scared of cats. I could really pee my pants if they approach me."

"Woman! How do you even live?" She shrugs sheepishly. "It's totally fine with Jessica and Sander. And Joy will be really happy she'll have someone to annoy the shit out of. And I'll try to make Lucifer behave while trying to make you overcome your pussyphobia. Fake lesbo." I tease with a wink.

"Shut up." She pushes me again. "I mean...it sounds awesome."

"So is that a yes?" I look at her with hopeful eyes. My headache has gone away. My tiredness turned into excitement. My passion is stronger and stronger and my love is glowing like a green glow shinning from all the directions of my heart.

"I guess...yes." I squeal like a little girl and give her a big hug. Her voice fills my ear with peals of laughter as I pull her down on top of me.

I've never been so happy. I wish I can stay forever this happy. God, I love her. I love her. I love her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Tegan**

I suppose now I have a vague idea of what love really is. It's that picture that I practice looking at hour after an hour after the other. It's a platonic, erotic type of buzz inside my chest whenever I receive a kiss or feel a hand trying to soften my inner rigidity. I am trying to understand the concept but I am resisting it because I'm not sure it is what I am supposed to feel or sense or think of.

But I think love is that time of the day I look forward to be done with my job just to take a meaningless piece of cake and a cup of coffee to Sara. These things mean everything to her and I can see it with my new eyes. Love also is the jokes she, Emy, and I share together and laugh stupidly at. Love is me exploring every depth of her skin and inner_ person_ as she prefers to call it. I have memorized where her moles and freckles are placed. I can tell you the exact spot of her thigh she pinched to bear the work my mouth was performing the previous night.

Love is also her trying to put up with every practice she despises in me. She does not scold me anymore for throwing my clothes around. She doesn't look at me with utter disgust when I chew with a mouth open. She picks the hair that falls from my head on her own. She does my laundry because she wants to and she changes my sheets and pillowcases.

Love is being with her, around her, before her, behind her, and having her in all angles and corners outside and inside of me. Love is supporting her ideas of love when I do not believe in them and giving her all of me even though I never thought I was able to do it.

Love is loving who she loves and accepting the change she and I are witnessing even though it is a foreign, bizarre, odd kind of change that also seems vague to me. Love is accepting the fact that she and I and Emy are included in a circle that I am not sure we can escape. Love is playing Dirty Santa with these two women and loving every part of it.

Sara and I have discussed it in depth. We have put our choices, options, solutions, and ideas. We both reached a settlement that I really hope we're both equally satisfied with. Emy is the link that we both not only are attracted to, but love to include in our fun when we need something extra. Sara said not to tell Emy about it. She said we'd let her understand it and accept it when the time is right...if it's ever right. We are not quite sure yet.

I look at Sara in the circle we have formed on the ground and I do ponder if she is completely and entirely consenting to what we have both agreed on. I also wonder whether she regrets leaving Emy. But I think of this too much and when I do I bring myself down and I don't want to do that. I want to enjoy the freshness of what Sara is introducing to my world each and every colourful day.

The three of us are joined in a circle with two four gift bags in front of each. Even though we have decided we'll only bring kinky gifts, each have brought something else apparently. I think we're just too nice to give each other something sexual and meaningless only.

"Okay, so who's gonna start?" Emy asks. "Wait, no. I'm gonna start." She giggles while rubbing both palms together. "I really hope Tegan didn't get what I wanted to get."

"I didn't," I say.

"How can you be sure?"

"I know." I wink.

"Come on. I'm losing my patience," Sara says.

"But...why can't Sara start? She's the eldest. Like, Sara starts with giving your gifts and then gives me mine. Then you give her yours and give me yours and then I give y'all your gifts."

"I see what you're trying to do," Sara says.

"But I don't?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Since I am older, I make the rules." She gives me a charming smirk. "You start because you're the youngest." Emy laughs and they high five each other.

"Fine." I shrug. They stop laughing. I give the erotic gift bag to Sara and place one in front of Emy. "Dirty then nice."

Emy is too quick to take her gift out of the bag. She starts laughing right away. She shakes with laughter which makes both Sara and I laugh. "I knew it. I swear to God, I knew it." More gales of laughter are heard in the room.

Sara looks at me with a flushed face. I wink at her which makes her shake her head with a bashful smile.

"This is to have a happy Emy time and always remember me with my gummy smile when you come." I hold my thumbs up as she inspects the vibrator I have chosen.

"When we said Dirty Santa we meant, like, simple, funny, weird dirty things, Tegan. Not sex toys." I shrug at Emy's unstoppable laughter. "But thank you. You're one of a kind."

"Oh, I know," I say. "Sara, open yours." I nudge my roommate.

"I'm kinda scared." She looks inside her bag while taking a breath. I bite on my lower lip and try to even out my breath which suddenly became erratic. I just got nervous all of a sudden and I do not really understand why. She gasps when she realizes what it is and closes her bag. Her face is crimson red...all of it. Her lips are pressed together and a smile is forcing itself to be born. Her eyes are pure like a sparkling sunset and wide with surprise.

"What is it? What is it?" Emy asks. She forces the bag out of Sara's grip and literally, without any exaggeration, falls down on the floor taking with her the bag with the box of the silver nipple clamps I have, jokingly, bought for Sara. "Oh my freaking God. That's the funniest thing."

"I don't see how it's funny." I look at Sara all red and coy. I feel as if I have squeezed her inside her bubble of shame and shyness this time around. I reach for her arm and squeeze it. "That was private," she whispers to me and I'm assuming it's about her telling me she desires pain in that particular area in her body.

"I wanted to get you this one time for your birthday but I didn't want you to hit me with it," Emy says after sitting up. "But I honestly don't think you can take this."

"Well I think she can."

Sara gives both of us a fatal glare and I mean it, it's so fatal that Emy drops the box and stays silent. "Thank you, Tegan. But I don't think I'm ever using this."

What? No. No. We have to use it. Together. I have to see her using it. That's why I got it. I want her to use it.

"Okay," I say and shrug.

"Honestly, that's a good one and you should be laughing right now. Like, she knows you too well to know you like your titties to hurt during sex."

"Shut up," Sara's elbow hits Emy's side. "We get it. I'm weird and you two are making fun of it."

"No, no, no," Emy says.

"No, Sara. No, we're not. We like it. I mean, I like it."

"I do too."

"Ya. Like it's okay to reveal what you like. Like...I like being penetrated too damn much...ya."

"That's not weird," Sara tells me.

"I'm into anal." Both Sara and I direct our gazes back at Emy. She simply shrugs. I think I'm in love with the way she's not scared to declare this in front of us. I like this bravery and it turns me on even more than the coyness Sara displays. "Okay...stop staring." She laughs nervously. "Ya, seriously, stop. Nice gifts now. Please."

And so we proceed with switching gifts before our Christmas break. Emy said she's going to drive us to the airport this evening. Her flight is tomorrow. I think I am going to miss her around. She has become my best friend besides Sara. I can share with her anything I want way more than I can share that with Sara. Maybe because Sara makes me nervous, sheepish, and timid. Emy is just there to laugh at me and I'm there to laugh at her. She told me my next mission is finding her a girlfriend. But if I did that it means that Sara and I cannot benefit from her sexually. I hate the sound of that...but that's how I see it in my head. I bet if Sara heard me she'll give me a lecture about how I shouldn't use these words because they're objectifying our friend. But if Sara thinks them, then she is the same as me. Of course we are not going to be engaged in any business if Emy herself does not give us her one hundred percent consent. But just thinking about it is making my head twirl and my clit twitch. I suppose I liked that threesome too much when I was finally in control and if we give it another chance we might just like it more.

But I still do wish to have Sara all to myself and that's a thing I'm trying to process and work on slowly. Maybe I can live with this idea of being around her all the time and call her my girlfriend if I knew how it's done. Nothing makes sense in my head at the moment. I feel confused and over excited with love. I think it's love that's making me sweat while packing and thinking and trying to understand what's lying behind the hazy picture that I continue painting.

Emy and I take Sara's and I's suitcases down to her car. Sara said she's going to follow in few minutes. I sit beside Emy in the passenger seat as we wait for Sara.

"She gave me back the dildo that she...you know...the blue one." Emy sighs. She rests her head back on her seat and rests her hands on the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry," I say. "But look on the bright side, now you have two sex toys." She looks at me and shakes her head with small laughter.

"It's like returning a wedding ring or something, man." She huffs. I guess I understand. I wouldn't want to be fucked by Sara for two years and then get the toy back...I mean, that would suck.

"Come on, Em. I told you imma find you a babe and you'll be happy again. I promise." I hold my pinkie to her and she smiles. "Ya, there. That's the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."

"Liar," she says. "You probably think Sara's the most beautiful. You're so head over heels for her."

"Well," I start, "I am kinda, you know, into her, a lot. But I promise you your smile makes me melt. Seriously, it's the cutest." Emy blushes.

"So are you guys like together right now? Like you sleep together, right?" I nod. "So are you girlfriends?"

"No...I don't think so."

"If you have feelings for her I think you should really tell her. You won't be disappointed."

"How do you know? What if_"

Sara opens the door and gets inside the car with a hiss. "It's so cold. I'm freezing. I peed three times in the past hour. I hope I don't have to pee again on the plane."

"Ya, well, if you haven't had that much coffee you wouldn't have had to pee that much," Emy says.

"I have to stay awake and focus. I hate midnight flights." She releases an irritated sigh. "So, Teetee, are you excited?" I hum. "What? Just like that?"

"Kinda nervous," I say quietly.

"Oh, don't be. Sara's pussy's really cute." Emy winks at me. I think I'm blushing.

"Ya. I can't wait to see my pussy." Either Sara didn't get it or she's playing along pretending she hasn't gotten it.

"Oh ya. I really can't wait to see Sara's pussy. Looking forward to it," I add, throwing a slight smirk Emy's way.

"I can feel my pussy's excitement hearing this right now." Yes, she has totally gotten it.

And now I feel hot, bothered, turned on, excited, weirded out, and embarrassed...just a bit. Emy looks at Sara through the mirror and I hear Sara's soft giggles from the back. I wonder how Emy feels. Jealous or okay? I'd feel jealous. But Emy seems like she doesn't really care. It feels like she's enjoying this scenery and this tension. Or maybe I'm seeing it this way because I want to believe it.

Sara is unusually quiet while we are waiting for our flight at the airport. I leave her to go to the bathroom and then I go buy a tuna sandwich. I ask her if she wants some but she shakes her head. I finish my sandwich and wait for her to say anything. Just any simple thing. When she doesn't, I finally ask, "Why are you so quiet? Did I do something wrong?"

And it's as if she was desperately waiting for me to speak. She looks at me and says, "Did you really have to get me nipple clamps and give them in front of Emy? Do you know how embarrassed I feel?"

"God," I whisper. "Because giving me a teddy bear that says "Hump Me" isn't embarrassing."

"If it is, then it's embarrassing for me more than you. Plus, I'm not the one who gave you hentai porn magazines. What the fuck? Are you sleeping with Emy?"

"What? No." I give her a look that suggests whatever she has just suggested is ridiculous. "You're jealous...God." I sigh frustratingly.

"No. I'm not," she says. "I'm never jealous of Emy. I'm just embarrassed."

"You're not making sense. Lack of sleep is getting you into a bad mood."

"I don't wanna fight." We're not even dating and arguments are already happening. This is why I don't like relationships.

"Great. I don't want to either."

And that's how our conversation ends until much later while we're on the plane.

After we're served food and drinks and are sleepy and tired, Sara finally speaks again, asking, "Do you have to pee?"

"Yes," I whisper back.

"Me too," she whispers again.

"Can you hold it till we arrive?"

"Two more hours. I don't think I can. I shouldn't have drunk too much water."

"Well, go pee. I can hold it in...I hope so."

"Come with me." I finally look at her. "I don't want to go alone."

"Nobody's going to bite you."

"No." She tugs at my sleeve. "I lose my balance walking on a plane. Please. I don't wanna fall." She tugs more.

Eventually, I cave in and walk her to the bathroom. I wait outside till she finishes, and when she does, I go after since I'm already there. She complains about how dirty the toilet is even though it's not according to me. We return to our seats and I put my headphones back on. Sara is reading a book. I don't know how she can read on a plane but cannot walk on it. I'd be dizzy and nauseous. Fifteen minutes later, I feel Sara's head on my shoulder. I look at her and realize she has fallen asleep. I also don't know how she can sleep on the plane. She sleeps everywhere and all the time. She sleeps easily and quickly. It is something envious considering it takes me two hours and an orgasm to fall asleep.

I become Sara's support as we get out of the plane. She's still in the mood of sleep and is not aware of her surroundings. She tells me she has to go to the bathroom again and we go there. It is crowded and noisy even though it is about five in the morning. I check my phone while she's doing her business and brush my teeth since I am meeting her family in a few. I hope they do not judge my outer appearance. I tried to make myself as presentable and neat as possible but I feel as if I am going to be judged the way I was when Sara first met me.

Sara leaves her stall yawning. She washes her hands and waits for me to finish. "My parents are waiting," she says.

"Sorry. I just want to look, you know, less crappy." She smiles for some reason unknown.

"They've seen you. They don't care how you look. Don't sweat it." I nod and we leave the bathroom.

Sara's mum and dad both give her a tight hug when they see her. Her mother squeals and squeezes her. It makes me smile because it seems so genuine and beautiful. Her dad gives me a smile and takes me in for a hug by surprise. He has brown eyes and dark hair. I suppose that's how people fell for the lie that Sara is his actual daughter. Then I'm thrown into her mother's embrace. Jessica smells nice and feels good to hug.

"Sander, look, this is Tegan," Sara's mother says when she lets go of me. I can feel my face burning.

"I know. We've already met while you were choking your daughter seconds ago." I look at Sara and she's smiling widely. She takes my hand in hers and we start walking. "Nice to meet you, Tegan. You're a Quin so I've heard."

"I am, sir," I say nervously.

"Don't call him sir. He thinks he's twenty-five," Jessica says.

"You told her to call you Jessica," Sara says.

"That's because I am twenty-five."

Sara's parents are nice. They are extremely nice. Actually, unrealistically nice. They are polite and quiet and make many terrible jokes any stereotypically happy couple make. They ask me simple questions about university and my parents in the car. They do not ask too much so I don't get uncomfortable.

Sara's house is huge. It is a mansion. It is beautiful and indescribable. It is a house my father can easily afford but never will purchase. He thinks it's stupid to live in such luxury when there is only you and a girlfriend living there. Mum cannot afford but the house she and I used to live in. Not small but not half as big as this one.

Sara's house is white from the outside with modern structure. From the inside it is grey and white. Her father parks his car and I'm met with a garden surrounding the house from every side. Sara told me they have a pool in the back but they emptied it because of the weather. They have willow trees in the garden as well as lemon trees. We go inside from the kitchen's door.

The house is quiet because everybody is supposedly asleep. The kitchen is modern and spacious. Her mother tells us to go change so we can come down and eat something. Sara tells her we're tired and we want to sleep. So Sara drags me out of the kitchen into a long hallway. Family pictures are on each side of the walls. I recognize baby pictures that are Sara's. But because I'm too sleepy, I notice that she looks almost like an identical image of myself when I was a toddler as well. Sara pulls me into another spacious room. This one is empty. It is full of mirrors and paintings and a large grey staircase. I notice it is the main entrance of the house. A large door is facing the staircase. More closed doors are on each side.

"The first door here is actually the dinning room but also combined with a living room for like, guests and people." Sara opens the first door from the left of the main entrance. This room actually has a classic set of furniture on one side and a modern one on the other. "This is like a guests bathroom but everyone uses it because it's close to our own living room." Sara opens the door right next to the dining room. It is a very small bathroom consisting of a toilet and a basin with a mirror on the wall. "And here is where the magic happens." Sara opens the third door and a very large room greets me. It looks comfy despite the ample space it offers. A TV set and purple furniture. A grey carpet and a Christmas tree in the corner. "And by magic, I mean that's the place I came out to my parents at. See, they were sitting right there and I was sitting here." Sara points at the sofa and then the blank space that's facing it. "Family discussions, fights, inside jokes, and everything else happen in here."

"Nice," I say.

I notice a dark shadow under the coffee table and before I have time to jump, Sara's cat starts running towards us. I distance myself away and Sara takes the cat and lifts him up. The beats of my heart accelerate as I try to recover from the sudden fright while Sara laughs and mumbles some nonsense to her cat.

"Naughty cat. Naughty little Luci. I missed ya." Sara pets her cat as it purrs in her arms and I try to catch my severely dying breaths. I begin to cough and my chest starts aching. "Shit. Are you allergic?" I shake my head and cough more. "Wait, you're getting sick. Man, I forgot you were coughing all last week. Let's go get you to bed and keep you warm." She lets go of the cat but the little animal keeps hugging her feet. "It's okay, Luci. We'll catch up later. Go now, little boy. Mummy's tired and wants to sleep." I smile like an idiot watching her speak to the cat and watching the cat act is if it understands. And magically, the cat leaves us and takes its place under the coffee table again.

"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" Jessica is standing at the door.

"Yes. I think Tegan's getting sick or the cat just really scared her into losing her breath." She winks at me.

"Oh. Keep that cat away," Jessica says. "So is Tegan going to stay with you or in the guest room?" Jessica looks at me and then at Sara. "Just in order to know where your dad should take her suitcase to."

Sara looks at me first then at her mother. I believe both of us are blushing at the moment. "Oh, with me," she says quietly. Her mother nods with a smile and doesn't say anything more. I suppose she understands that there is something going on between us. I'm not sure how it makes me feel but I'm hoping she doesn't think of me in a wrong way.

Sara leads me upstairs and I'm met with two long hallways again on both sides. "On the right there's nothing but my parents' bedroom, a guest room, and a bathroom. On the left there's my room, Joy's, Jane's, and two bathrooms. Joy and I use the big one right next to my room at the end of corridor and Jane uses this one since it's right next to hers." Jane is supposedly the housekeeper that I haven't seen around yet. It's about 6:30 so I'm assuming she and Sara's sister are asleep. I follow Sara to the end of the hall till we reach two doors next to each other and one on the opposite side. "That's my door and that's the bathroom next to it," Sara whispers. "And that's Joy's. She's asleep right now." She points at the door opposite to hers.

Sara's room is as big and beautiful as everything in the house, except agonizingly bright and tidy. The bright red walls and white furniture hurt my sight. Bookshelves and paintings are all over her walls. Her bed on the corner of the room covered with a fluffy red duvet and surrounded by red and white pillows and teddy bears. Our suitcases are already in her room when we're there. She throws herself on her mattress and sighs.

"I feel like...Are your parents okay with me staying at your room?" I sit beside her. I'm careful and nervous.

"I'm a twenty-four year old adult, visiting with my female friend, who also magically happens to be a lesbian. Oh and I broke up with my girlfriend of two years just recently. They're not dumb, Tegan." She sits up and gives me a look of assurance. I'm really hoping her parents won't imagine us having sex in here. The idea alone is embarrassing. I don't think we can last more than a week without sex but I hope we won't really do it until we're back.

Sara kisses me for awhile when she senses my unnerved thoughts. I feel like Sara has gotten more comfortable around me and now she's the one with the upper hand. She's the one that comforts me and makes me feel better. It's not the opposite anymore. Even though I helped her pass all her classes this semester, I still believe it's her who did all the work and I was just the moral support she was in need for.

We both take our turn in the bathroom. I go before she does and finally pee in a space much bigger than the toilet on the plane. I wash my face and change my clothes. Sara leaves the bathroom and joins me in her room in a sports bra and black briefs.

"I'm more comfortable walking like that at this house than I am at my dorm room. I don't know why, but ya." She blushes while removing all her stuffed animals and placing them on the two red beanbags she has in her room. "You can sleep half naked, Teetee. Nobody will come in here."

And so we sleep on Sara's comfortable bed. Both of us half naked and relaxed. Once I place my head on her cold pillow I'm fast asleep because I'm that exhausted.

Though I shouldn't have believed her when she said nobody would be inside. When I open my eyes I hear soft talking and irritating meowing.

"Ya? And what did you get dad for Christmas then?" Sara whispers to whoever I cannot see because my eyes are closed.

"Mum said to buy him a comb so he combs his messy hair," Joy giggles softly and Sara joins her. I smile and open my eyes. I'm facing the wall and so they cannot see me.

"I got him a shirt that says 'Diet is for Losers.' Do you think it will piss mum?" Sara asks. The cat meows. "I guess that's a yes."

"What did you get Lucifer?"

"Oh, I can't tell you. He's here." I can't help but giggle. "You're awake?" Sara's voice is loud now.

"I can't believe even the cat gets a present in here." I sit up and pull the duvet up to my chin. "Hey, Joy." Sara's sister is small and adorable. She has pink chubby cheeks and short blond hair.

"Is she in her bra too?" Joy gasps as she widens her eyes.

"Joy," Sara says sternly. "I'm sorry. I didn't think she'd burst in on us." I nod with a smile.

"Are you girlfriends?" Joy asks. I look at Sara who's looking at her cat.

"We're really close friends," Sara whispers. "Joy, why don't you take Lucifer and go down? Tegan and I will be down in a few."

"Are you going to make out?" the ten year old asks. Sara gets up and pushes her little sister out of the room gently. She whispers something in her ears and closes the door.

"Sorry about that. She's a kid."

"It's fine, Sasa. She's adorable." I let go of the duvet and stretch, yawning and rubbing my eyes.

"We're supposed to have dinner in here tonight but first I want you to meet Rob so why don't you go take a shower first and we'll leave after?"

"Do I have to?" I groan, pushing my head back on the pillow. Sara gives me her usual controlling look. "How come you don't have to?"

"I'll shower when I get back. But you kinda smell, baby." I neglect the pet name and focus on the part of me producing an odious smell. Sometimes I feel disgusting and sometimes I feel that Sara's just too honest. Plenty of times when Sara's breath almost killed me in the morning and I haven't commented on it, but if I just start to smell Sara has to tell me about it. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing but it definitely makes me feel embarrassed.

Sara's mum gives both of us grilled cheese sandwiches before we leave the house. It makes me feel like a teenager living in this house with my own family and Sara's just my irritating, perfectionist sister whom I love and hate to be around. Lucifer and Joy beg Sara to tag along. Lucifer more than Joy, he doesn't leave her foot and meows too loud until Jessica takes him away. Sara's housekeeper is smoking outside. She waves hi to Sara and I.

We walk in the cold for only five minutes till we reach an apartment complex. Rob lives here with his girlfriend. She's the one who opens the door for us and scans the two of us with judgmental eyes. Rob makes an annoying cheery noise when he sees Sara. He hugs her and lifts her off the ground for a second until she threatens to kick him in the balls if he doesn't put her down.

"So this must be the one and only Tegan." He gives me his hand to shake and I do.

"Hey. Nice to meet you," I say with a smile.

"You too." He smiles at me.

"You kind of look like Sara. Are you related?" Rob's girlfriend asks.

"Thalia, they're sleeping together." Sara coughs awkwardly while looking at me from a peripheral vision.

I cannot lie and say that I like Rob and I definitely cannot lie and say I like Thalia. They're both okay but the entire time I'm sitting there hearing him and Sara catch up I can feel myself dozing off. As much as Sara tries to get me in the conversation, I feel more of an outsider the way Thalia probably does. Sara and Rob have inside jokes and so much music talk and memories that combine them. I feel like Sara and I do not share all of these things. It makes me a bit jealous. I can also sense the looks of love the guy has for Sara. Even the way he touches her hand while handing her a drink makes her flinch and makes her cheeks redden. It's like everybody's insanely in love with Sara and nobody but Emy's twisted self is in love with me. And even Emy, she's also in love with Sara as well as me.

"You weren't comfortable there, were you?" Sara asks me on the way back home.

"I just felt out of place. You guys have a lot in common." Sara takes my hand in hers and squeezes my cold skin.

"We're childhood buddies, of course we have things in common." She pauses. "Does it bother you we don't really have much in common?"

"Kind of." I shrug as if it doesn't really bother me that much but it actually does.

"What's the fun of being with someone you know your whole life? It's all exciting and beautiful when you meet someone new and you get to know them. That's the special part of it." Sara gives my hand another squeeze. I've never felt so insecure as I feel around her. And that's how I know I hold a different and an exciting feeling for her.

At dinner we get asked if we're girlfriends again. "No...w...we're good friends," Sara says again to her father.

Jane bursts in mocking laughter which makes her spit her water in Joy's plate. "Eww. That's disgusting," Joy says. Sara gives Jane her infamous, witch-like, fatal eyes. According to Sara, Jane is just a very sassy, useless, troublesome, and conceited thirty year old that acts as if she's the house owner. Sara's parents feel sorry for her because she's alone in this world and that's why she's still working at the house...even though she does nothing but mocks everybody and smokes secretly in the backyard.

By the time it is night, Sara and I realize we both have the flue. Her mother thinks it's because we walked in the cold. Sara's asthma keeps her up all night and I stay up with her as well. Or maybe that's just jet lag, I'm not sure.

The next couple of days I get more sick and more annoyed. It's a routine that kills me in this household. Everybody wakes up, they have breakfast, they do nothing, they have dinner, they sleep. I'm not sure what causes my sickness to worsen. Maybe I'm bored, maybe I'm angry, maybe that's what falling for someone who cannot see you falling for them feels like.

Each hint I give to Sara is easily ignored with a cold eye. I don't know what happened to Sara but I sense that she's ignoring me by the second. Or maybe that's the clingy side in me that feels this way. It scares me because I don't want to be like my mother.

I isolate myself in Sara's room most of the time on the third day. Sara asks me to go with her to see Rob practice for a gig. I decline because of how tired and stupid I feel. Maybe coming with Sara is a bad idea. My parents haven't even called once to check if I'm alive. Sara's parents are different and it can be the reason why I'm sick. Maybe I'm just super jealous of what she has and what I lack.

Joy begs me to go down and play with her while Sara's out. I object because I don't want her to get sick, but she insists so I go down and try to keep my distance. I start playing with the Lego she has. I start building random things that I'm too dizzy to make sense of. Lucifer is under the coffee table looking at the both of us.

"Here's a lemon juice with honey. You have a terrible cough. I always make it for Sara to get her better." Jessica comes out of nowhere and offers me the glass of juice. I make a face when I hear the honey part. "Pretend it's sugar except much better for your cough. It's not bad, I promise you. It seems that you have the same type of cough as Sara. Try to drink it, dear."

I look at her hand offering the glass and feel too shy to decline again. I take the glass and thank her. She stays in the living room, knitting while watching a soap opera. Lucifer changes his position and sits next to her. I think he's more interested in what she's watching than her.

Whenever I lift my head I notice she's staring at me. When our eyes meet she averts her gaze. I only feel more insecure and annoyed by this. I keep looking at the clock and hope that Sara returns. My chest is aching physically and emotionally that I end up crying alone in the bathroom.

Sara cuddles up to me after her shower that night. I feel her index making soft circles on the back of my neck. The tension is temporarily off my chest in this calm atmosphere that she provides.

"Tell me why you're sad," Sara whispers to my ear.

"I'm not sad," I lie. "I'm just tired." I get a kiss on the back of my head.

"Alright. Let's sleep then." Her words disappoint me more because I was hoping for a better effort from her. Maybe I would have eventually told her about my passion.

In the morning I find myself panting and shaking as I am standing on Sara's bed, right in the corner with her cat nibbling at my feet. I don't know what has happened but I woke up with his monstrous, evil face in my face and I jumped with a high-pitched scream.

In a moment Sara's mum, Joy, Jane, and Sara are all in the room. They're laughing at me as I am shaking and crying trying to get the cat away from me.

"I think that cat has a foot fetish," Jane says as I am squealing and sobbing.

"I didn't know you're that scared of cats. Aww, baby." Sara takes the cat away and hands him to Joy. I begin to calm down and try to breathe. I hear a whistling type of sound with every breath I take, the kind that Sara has. Sara helps me down and keeps me steady by squeezing my naked sides with both hands. That's when I realize I'm in my undergarments and Sara's mother is eyeing the both of us up and down. Also, that's when I realize Sara has called me 'baby' once again and this time I focus on the word as I begin to relax but also tense under Sara's touch.

"It was gonna eat me," I say pathetically. They all laugh at me.

"Pussy doesn't eat you," Sara says, "you eat pussy." Jane gasps and my face heats up.

"Sara," Jessica yells. Now it's very different saying it in front of her mother in a video chat where she's thousands of miles away from us and saying it here where she's standing inches away from us and with me half naked and with Sara's hands rubbing the nakedness of my skin.

"She eats cats?" Joy screams. Jane laughs. "I knew she's a weirdo, she's with Sara of course she is."

"Joy," Sara's mother rebukes with a powerful tone, "don't be rude." Joy shrugs and walks out. "Sara, behave around your sister, please." Sara rolls her eyes. "I also need help with the baking." Sara nods.

Sara kisses both my cheeks when we're finally alone. "I'm sorry about that again. No privacy in this house. Kinda why I don't like it here." I nod and kiss her lips just because I feel like it. She kisses back and takes me in closer. "I miss your body," she whispers through numerous kisses. "God, I miss your touches."

"I'm glad you're sick too so I can kiss you without feeling guilty."

"Mhm." She doesn't listen or say anything. She kisses me more and more till I'm stripped off my sanity, crumbling in my own heat of fever and heat of passion. I close my eyes and let her kiss all that is me; my lips, my jaw, my piercing, my cheeks, my forehead, my neck, behind my ear, my upper chest, and finally my stomach. I pant for her lips to descend down and touch me where I want them the most but she leaves me panting there alone. "I have to go help my mother," she informs me with a tone so cold I'm not used to it. I open my eyes and find harshness in her eyes. "You should rest. You're more sick than I thought you were."

Curiosity kills the cat but it does not kill Tegan. I don't listen to Sara and stay in bed. I decide to walk around the house and change the scenery of Sara's bright room. But while passing by the kitchen I hear my name being said on both tongues which makes me curious. I stop outside and listen.

"You don't really get it," Sara says to her mother.

"I don't care if I get it or not. All I care about is you behaving like an adult not a stupid teenager. These games are not for people your age. A friend is a friend. A girlfriend is a girlfriend."

"It's not like I don't want her to be my girlfriend." Sara is crying. "I told you, I love her, I want to be with her. I broke up with Emy because of her and...uh...she doesn't want that."

"If she doesn't want that then you two shouldn't be sleeping together in the first place. When are you going to grow up?" I hear a loud noise of a plate being slammed against a counter or something hard. I'm not sure if it comes from Sara or her mother but I'm sure by now my heart has jumped to my feet and all the spirits have flown out of me.

"It's complicated. She has issues with love. She doesn't believe in it." Sara fights to win the argument.

I decide I've heard enough and I'm too dizzy to stay standing. My mother told me that eavesdropping is a habit that's going to hurt me. But I believe it has just became a blessing for me. If I haven't heard Sara utter that she feels for me what I feel for her I wouldn't have guessed it in a million years. And she wouldn't have said as well.

I pace to the living room and sit on the sofa. I try to breathe and contain my excitement and absorb the new found information that's possibly going to change many things. I don't want to be mistaken for a heartbreaker and I want to take a chance with the person who actually loves me. Screw my mother and all her failed marriages and relationships. I'm different and Sara's different. I'm already hurting Sara and her family by giving them an idea that I'm someone who fools around. And maybe that was me when I first met her but I know for a fact I haven't looked at any woman in a sexual way since I started feeling things for Sara. Even Emy cannot compare. And as for the intimacy in the passion I feel for her, then I can be sure I have never felt it before towards any human being but Sara. I'm not scared. I'm simply ecstatic and ready to tell her. But I have to let myself feel it all, repeating her words and waiting for her and myself to calm down till we sit in silence so I can reveal it.

While I'm thinking and thinking and thinking and smiling to myself, Joy comes up to me and asks me to build her a Lego house like the one I've built the previous day. I do it without thinking of what I'm doing. The kid is blabbering about things that I don't even bother to hear. My sickness is all forgotten as I feel myself getting high on the idea of being in love. It's that Utopian idea I thought I could never reach. Being loved is actually more exciting than being in love. Both complete my circle of fantasy. I feel like a Disney princess swaying in her room and daydreaming about her prince charming. I feel like a wasted poet high on opium and his beloved. I feel like a kid. I feel fresh and nauseous all at the same time.

Whenever I want to see Sara I cannot catch her. It's as if I'm in a maze and I'm chasing her. I don't find her in the kitchen when I go there.

"Do you want me to help you with the baking?" I ask her mother out of politeness when I see her decorating the cookies.

"I think you should go rest, dear. You sound tired." I don't even feel my own illness worsening because that doesn't bother me anymore. I know my voice is horrible and I am pale and frail-looking, but I'm too happy to even care or feel the pain that's in my throat and my chest.

"Where's Sara?" I ask again. I want to catch her, kiss her, tell her, and dance with her. I want to be a kid with her.

"I don't know. She's somewhere around the house for sure though," Jessica answers me dryly. I wish I can just tell her how in love I am with her daughter. But I have to tell the daughter first.

Sara's neither in her room nor in the bathroom. Jane doesn't let me go outside and search for her. She searches for me instead and tells me she couldn't find her. Sara has evaporated. My anxiety builds me up into drawing plots of things going wrong. I rub my forehead and try to wake up in case it's a dream I'm in. I think and worry and almost lose hope until I find Sara in the dining room alone. Nothing told me to look there, but I opened the door anyway because I needed to be in an isolated space with no one to find me. But I find Sara there instead.

I smile at her with giddy eyes. She pushes her chair and stands up. She walks up to me. I close the door and smile wider. I notice her blood-shot eyes but my smile doesn't fade. Everything in me is screaming the famous sentence I hear and read about. Everything in me is ripping it out of my mouth.

"I love you." Everything in me claps when I say it with my hoarse but confident voice. I swallow the lump in my aching throat and wait for her.

"Wha...what?" She squints her eyes at me.

"I fucking love you, idiot." I grab her shoulders. "How many hints do I have to give? Do I have to scream it? Do I have to cry it? You couldn't get it? I fucking love you and I feel so fucking good about saying it." I start tearing up due to my excitement.

Sara start's laughing. Not the mocking kind of laughter. It's the laughter that shows she's in a state of disbelief. "Tegan!" Her nervous giggles make me want to kiss her. "You really do?" I nod. "I love you too," she says. "Oh my God, this is not a dream. I'm gonna cry." She hugs me and pecks my lips. "Oh my God."

"I feel so...as if...I mean..." She kisses me to shut me up. The right words are is that I feel as if I am in a chick flick. I always felt that around her. As much as it makes me cringe when I think of it, as much as I love it. It's easy being around her and with her.

"I was just..." She shakes her head. "Do you really love me? Like_ that_ love?"

"Yes." I don't take time to think. "The truth is," I bite my upper lip then continue, "I kinda heard what you and your mum said to each other. I didn't think you had feelings for me. I thought I was just your fun buddy." I raise an eyebrow. "I'm sorry about that, but at the same time I am not. I needed to know you felt for me what I felt for you because I never thought I'd admit it. I just felt unworthy of your love just this morning when you were kissing me. I've been so jealous lately of everyone you talked to. I've been in a bad mood. I've been annoyed and pissed and upset. I just want to be with you and be loved by you. I just want to be your girlfriend and experience what's it like to be in love."

"Wow," Sara says. "I didn't know you felt that way. I felt the same. I felt like you just wanted me for my body and for the good time. I was so scared you'll just find someone else to have sex with and leave me." Sara wraps her arms around my waist. "I want to be your girlfriend, Tegan. I've always wanted it. It made me angry that you couldn't see it or understand it."

"But I did. I mean, I do. I see it and understand it. This is just so new to me and it's overwhelming and exciting. I just want to go to your mother and be like...hey look, we're girlfriends, I'm not just here for the pussy." Sara slaps my arm. "Sorry. But you know what I mean."

"I do." She kisses me. "We're girlfriends now." She kisses me again. "I'll make your life a living hell." She kisses me a third time after the threat. "And you'll love every piece of it." I'm kissed again. "Go tell Jessica you're not here for the pussy."

"Are you serious?" She giggles. "See, I'm here for the pussy, but for the other perks as well." I wink at her. "You know, the cuddling, the kissing, the package of no privacy that comes along." She slaps my arm once again.

It would be such a terrific time to have sex with her, but definitely not in this household where everybody hasn't learned the manner of knocking. Sara has been biting her lips since we told each other we loved each other. Her face is flushed and her eyes have sparkling diamonds in them. It's as if she's a teenager. But I am just too worried that my happiness might end at any minute. I think she can sense it because she doesn't let go of me the entire time we're watching TV or playing with Joy. Even when Lucifer wants to sit on her lap, she doesn't let him do that so I won't be pushed away. I wouldn't blame the cat if he hates me, I've taken his mother away apparently. Maybe that's why he was nibbling at my foot in the morning.

At dinner I get my proof that Lucifer is a jealous pet that wants me out of the house. Sara and I get seated at the end of the table with our own food so we wouldn't pass the flue to anyone. Lucifer decides to sit next to Sara as if he's a functioning human in this family. I can build on the theory that Sara is a witch and he's her evil cat, but that theory was just my mind telling me to make up any excuse not to believe I've fallen for Sara. So I just eat my food in silence and assume Lucifer is just the devil as his name tells.

It's not the Christmas Eve I've imagined with my own parents and myself, happy, laughing, drinking, and eating. It is actually way better...even while sitting way far with nobody around us. But I have Sara right next to me and there's nothing more that I want. My my mother would be happy knowing I have a girlfriend. I wish they'd just get over me not wanting to visit them and speak to me.

"Mum, dad, the irrelevant rest...not you Lucifer," Sara says, "and not Tegan as well for sure." She giggles while looking at me.

"That's so rude," Jane whispers.

"What is it Sara?" Sander asks.

"I have an announcement."

"Oh God," her dad says again.

"You failed your classes," Joy says.

"You dropped out of university, honey?" Jessica asks.

"They kicked you out of university, didn't they?" Sander says.

"You're pregnant," Jane jumps in. Everybody turns their faces and looks at her. "I'm joking," she says. "I was just dropping some theories of what disappointment Sara could have done."

"None," Sara shouts. I place my hand on her thigh. "Have a little faith in me, people." She rolls her eyes.

"Honey, we do. It's just that you always deliver bad news on evenings like this," Jessica says. Last Christmas you decided to tell us you failed three classes out of the four you were taking."

"Okay, fair enough." Sara takes a deep breath then says again. "I actually have different things to tell you. None are disappointing...hopefully." She giggles nervously. "First of all, I actually have passed all my five subjects this semester." Gasps and wide eyes are all over the place. "And with really fucking high marks. Like, dad, the lowest grade I have is a B...Can you fucking believe it? I've never gotten a B and now it's the lowest grade I have." More cheering from her family. Her dad's face is red and I think he's going to cry. I honestly don't understand why he cares so much about her grades or if she went to university or dropped out. I believe Sara is smart and can do whatever she wants to do without her having to have a degree or get good marks. "The other thing is..." Sara looks at me and I nod. It feels as if we're about to tell them about us getting married. It's making my stomach cry with butterflies. "I'm moving in with Tegan." Everybody is now staring at me. "In a very small apartment...but close to the university. Uh..."

"Why do you want to move in?" Jessica asks.

"You don't have a job to move in an apartment," Sander adds.

"Because Tegan is my girlfriend and she asked me to move in with her." Silence. Scary, awkward, embarrassing silence.

"She doesn't have to pay. I work and I've got the money," I say timidly.

"No, dear. No," Jessica says. "That's not fair for you."

"No, it's not," Sara's dad says. "We'll help. We can do that so we're going to do it."

"Dad_"

"We're proud of you. We're happy that you've gotten good grades and you're moving into something serious, hopefully." Sara nods. "We'll help you now until you graduate and find a job."

"I thought you guys were only friends just this morning?" Jessica asks with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, we were...kinda." Sara giggles. "See, an hour can change many things." Her face is ruby red and her mother's face is as equally flushed.

I never thought things could go so easy for us. I'm only hoping they stay this way. It feels natural and it feels beautiful. What if life hits me from where I'm not looking? What if something terrible happens? What if Sara stops loving me one morning? What if I stop loving her? My mother's past has been full of injuries that I cannot let my mind rest the entire time I'm in bed waiting for Sara to finish her shower and join me. When she's around everything seems easy, when she's not my mind gets fuzzy with thoughts that perplex me.

And what about Emy? What about what Sara and I have talked about? Will it still happen? Or is that deal broken now that we're in a relationship together? Even the sound of it is so sweet when I pronounce it in my head. A relationship. A tie. Two people together. With each other. In love...with each other.

The lamp on Sara's nightstand is switched on by Sara herself. I look to my side and watch her in her green towel and in her matching hair wrap towel. She smiles at me weakly and dries her hair with the material.

"Why are you naked?" I ask teasingly as I roll onto my side. "It's kinda cold and you're already sick. Shouldn't leave yourself wet." She shakes her head with little laughter. "Or your hair. Seriously, babe, you're sick."

"It's fine. I'll get hot in a bit." She throws the hair towel on a beanbag and lets the drenched strands of hair rest on her damp shoulders. She bites her lower lip and, in one quick movement, rids herself off her towel. I stare with dilated orbs at her beauty. My breath hitches when I notice the attachment on her crotch. She joins me in bed with a long sigh.

"Your parents," I say. "They'll hear. I don't feel comfortable with that." The more I push my body towards the wall, the closer she pushes hers towards me.

"They won't. Be quiet and they won't. I really want you. I want to touch you. You never let me touch you." It's true. The only time she has touched me was during that threesome. After that I was the one always giving her what she wanted and refusing her touches. I was just too delighted to feel her body under my taste buds and feel her skin with the touch of my palms.

"What if someone bursts in on us?" I say after a kiss she places on my temple.

"I locked the door. Everyone's asleep, don't worry." She adds more kisses. "Let me show you how I like to make love." With a rush she straddles me, pulling the duvet above us. "I love to do it in the dark and feel all of it. I want you to feel with your eyes closed. I want you to understand." She deprives me of my ability to speak with her tender kisses all over my face. My stomach is too excited that it's going to experience sex with love. Soft, slow sex.

Sara's kisses are maddeningly refined and soft. I don't feel her stripping me until I'm stark naked under her body. We both giggle when I feel the maroon phallus between my legs, poking at my entrance. She lifts herself up and takes my neck between her lips. Her kisses sway me into a tranquil rhythm. She's good at everything she does and she hasn't done much yet. Where her mouth is tasting my upper half, her fingers are brushing the hair that I haven't shaved or thought of shaving. And while my cheeks are burning with bashful heat, my heart is at peace and in a state of carelessness.

I thought she'd push her hands away, make a comment, or be repulsed. She didn't do any of that. She doesn't stop feeling the hair on my mound and pulling at it while sucking at a sweet spot I never thought I've had on my neck. She spends more time nipping and sucking where my clavicles are than anybody has ever done to me. She fondles my breasts with her other hand. She builds me up well till I start to pool and pant for her touch.

She lifts her head up and kisses my lips again. We fall into a sea of desire as she French kisses me with brave dominance I never thought she owned. Her nails are grazing my inner thighs. She knows how to tease and it kills me.

When in need for breath, she lets go and says, "Loving you is so easy." It's as if she knows what I think of. "It's...like, it's destined for me to love you. It just happened like that. As if you were sent to make my life beautiful." I don't know how to say these words. I'm not used to them being said to me. Even though I feel them I cannot seem to get them out of my lips. "Relax." She laughs, steadying my shaking thighs. "Don't think too much. Relax. It's okay we do it with a strap-on, right?"

"Yes." My voice is a stranger to me. It's deep and desperate. "Can you lube it if I'm not wet enough though?" She giggles and sits up beside me. She pushes the duvet away and spreads my now bent knees.

"You're nice and beautifully soaked," she says. "But I'll use lube." I nod at her. This time I just want to feel good without any sting or pain. I just want pure bliss.

I watch her lubricate the toy that I only once used on her and add more to my vulva. I shudder when her fingers touch my lips for a minute, stroking and inspecting. She pushes herself on top of me and covers the two of us once again. Her lips find my breasts and she starts giving soft licks to my nipples, one after the other.

"No...no...It hurts, baby." She lifts her head up again and pecks my lips. "I'm extra sensitive today. The piercing has been bothering me since the morning."

"It's okay," she whispers and pecks me again. "I'm sorry."

Even though Sara's gentle and sweet in every move she makes, she's still as dominant and in power as Emy has described her. She just knows what she's doing. It's not about how hard she pushes or how loud she makes me scream, it's about these small touches that make me lose it. I think her being a giant tease is a huge element in her being in control. When she pushes in me she does it slowly while sucking at my neck. I feel the pleasure like fireworks in my entire body. She knows exactly how to move her hips and all I do is try to meet hers by bucking my own hips. She knows when to stop and when to go at a quick pace. She knows how to reach the deepest parts of me. I surrender to her body taking me to places I've never been and close my eyes to feel every small feeling.

Her breaths are heavy and I can feel their heat all over my chest. Her hair is still damp and her body's heated. I take a hold of her back and scratch with every thrust. She shushes my squeals and rubs my sides as she moves with ease inside of me.

"Look at me," she says. I open my eyes and find her eyes dilated, staring at mine. "How does it feel?" I scratch more and add a pinch, she giggles and pushes harder.

"Good." My lips are cracked due to over biting. "So good...God, I...I..." I squeal again and she takes my lips in hers to mute me.

"I can feel your walls tightening." And I can feel them as well because I'm close. "I'd love to tease but I don't want to torture you."

"You've already teased enough." I bury my face in her chest and start sucking whatever I find to stop myself from screaming. She giggles and pushes my head closer to her.

"I love you," she says breathlessly. "I never thought I'd love you." I kiss her chest and palm her breast.

"Sara." I bite at the skin. "Please, please, Sara..." I feel myself losing it. I feel the tip of the toy moving inside of me, touching areas nobody has reached. Or maybe they have but I never paid attention. Sara encircles me and wraps her arms around me as she thrusts with all that in her. She shushes my whimpers softly and tries to muffle my sounds by pushing my head in her chest. I'm half sitting now, lost in the scent of her skin and in the scent of the love that we're making.

I've never thought sweaty sex under darkness and blankets would make me feel so much. While being exposed and watching everything is nice, this one is more about the feeling, the beating heart, and the innocent affection that one feels.

The sounds of our entangled bodies and Sara's pounding entrance me and pull me into the orgasm I'm searching for. I fall down on the pillow not feeling my hips, tired, and panting with an aching chest. Before I'm able to process what's around me I feel the pleasure again with a tongue licking the sensitiveness of my clit.

I'm glad it's not over and I'm glad she's giving me more. I'm glad she's down on me and I'm spread for her to eat and taste. It's hard to believe she hasn't done that much because her tongue is performing art on my pussy. She starts with broad strokes between my slit then circles the tip of her tongue over the hood of my clit. I wriggle and writhe underneath her but her small hands work more efficiently than they seem to be; she presses my thighs on her mattress and begins to suck on my clit.

My hands find the sheets and I start pulling. Whenever I try to hump her face or arch my back she pushes me down. Her tongue tastes each part of my pussy, biting gently at my labia then back giving left and right strokes to my clit.

I don't take too long this time. I reach for a hand and bite on two of her fingers. When I do she returns to her routine of sucking then soft licking till I lose it once again and come for the second time. She cleans me well till I can't endure it, but before I could push her face, she sits up. It always seems as if she knows what I feel.

I move the duvet and stare at her chest rising up and down. She pushes her hair out of her face and lets out a relieved sigh. She smiles at me and I smile back. I look at her hands toying with the harness. I sit up and help her get out of it. I get caught by a kiss from her. I smile into the kiss and feel her giggling quietly.

Sara gets up to put the sex toy away. I lie back down and as I do, I begin to feel different types of pain in my back, my lower abdomen, slightly between my legs, my chest, and my throat. I feel a wave of chilliness attack me so I pull the duvet above my body. Sara joins me, not leaving much distance between us.

"Did you like that?" she asks me.

"Of course I did," I mumble into her chest. "You gotta stop being so insecure. I love everything you do." And maybe I should be more vocal about what I like since it seems that I have to tell her for her to believe it. "I love you."

"I'll never get tired of hearing it." She kisses my head.

"I really didn't know you're such a top. You wear the pants, Sasa." She starts laughing. "I'm sorry I didn't touch you though."

"No, it's fine. It's all about you tonight."

"I'd love to touch you...but I'm kinda really tired." I feel slightly selfish but I know she understands.

"I wouldn't let you even if you offered. It's all about you tonight. You've been touching me for over two weeks." She kisses my head again. "I'm just happy to be with you. You have no idea."

"I think I do." I squeeze her side. "Who knew it would end up like this!"

"I feel like I'm dreaming."

"Me too," I tell her. "But I know I'm not. I mean that orgasm...oh God...I don't think I can dream of such an orgasm." I love making her giggle. I love it so much.

We talk more nonsense, flirt, and tease each other with calm words a bit more until both of us lose our energy to the power of sleep. Everything feels too good to be true and I'm scared I'll wake up not finding what I have now here in front of me. I'm scared of what my future holds. I wish I'd pause this moment and repeat it whenever I want. I wish I'd sleep forever in her arms.


	13. Chapter 13

**Sara**

It takes me about five minutes to realize that Tegan has been calling my name for the past...well, five minutes. At first I thought it was part of my dream, now I realize it is definitely reality. My eyes are widely staring at Tegan's face sitting above me. I have yet to figure out where am I and which year are we.

With more shaking from her hands I become aware that this is the 25th of December, the year is 2004, it's most certainly dawn, we're in my room, I'm naked and cold. I close my eyes and open them again.

"Sara...Sara, wake up. It's urgent." I blink once more. "Please, Sara." I move my hand and rub my eyes. "I just need something and you can go back to sleep." I squint both eyes and groan. "Ya, you see, I kinda started my period and you have no tampons."

I groan more and cover my face with the duvet. "Pretty sure there's a full box of pads in my bahtroom."

"That's not tampons. I need tampons." I groan once again.

I just want to sleep.

"There's no tampons. We don't have fucking tampons."

"I can't use a pad. I hate pads. They give me a rash and they're so fucking disgusting."

"We don't have tampons," I repeat again with a louder tone.

Last night we had sex. It's hard to believe it when she's nagging in my ears at the moment and all I want to do is punch her in her stupid face.

"What about Jane?" Tegan asks.

"I don't know. Go fucking check and leave me alone."

And that's how I almost went back to my peaceful slumber till Tegan, the most annoying girlfriend (and I really love the sound of that in my head no matter how annoying she is), rushes in the room again.

"She has no tampons. Why don't you use tampons? I need them right now."

I remove my duvet and sigh with frustration. "Where am I going to get you that? Use a fucking pad right now and we'll get you tampons in the morning. Why didn't you get any with you if you desperately have to push a piece of cotton inside of your vagina?"

She pouts her lips at me. I close my eyes for a second and rest my head down on the pillow again. "Because I wasn't supposed to have another period till we're back. I was done with it like ten days ago. Don't you remember?"

I am supposed to start today or tomorrow. I guess our periods got synchronized. "Oh," I say. "Well use what's there now and stop annoying me."

"Fuck you," Tegan says then leaves my room. When she returns again I have to release another sigh indicating how angry I am that each time I almost fall asleep she comes to the room making sounds of irritation. "How can you even move in this? It's like wearing a dirty diaper." She hops onto the matress and sleeps right beside me again.

"Tampons are disgusting as well. It's basically dirt stuck inside your vagina, literally inside. One day you'll get an infection and I'll laugh at you." I turn around and look at her, once again, pouty face under the red light of the lamp.

"Shut up," she whispers. "I've never heard of anyone who got an infection because of a tampon." But I did...and she needn't know about it.

"Just sleep," I whisper back.

Oddly enough, Tegan moves her body and cuddles up to me. She wraps her arms around me and places her head on my chest. I can hear her panting and whistling chest. It's the melody that pulls me back to another sleep until I wake up once again in the early morning. The clock beside me declaring it's 7:18 in the morning. I yawn and look at Tegan's head pressed right where it has been since we both went to sleep once again. I stroke her hair for awhile until I remember that my bladder is pleading for me to empty it.

I don't know what makes me think it is a brilliant idea, but it's probably the same place that always gives me not so brilliant ideas whispered to me my ability to skip naked to the bathroom, thinking nobody is going to see me because nobody is awake.

After peeing and cleaning the dildo I used on Tegan last night, I open the door in order to sneakily take that one step back to my room in shameful nudity, except, of course, I see my little sister standing at the door with her hand near her crotch and her legs wiggling as she waits for me to finish. My chest drops and I gasp. She laughs loudly and covers her mouth. I close the door right away leaving only my face peeking from the slit I keep apart. I hide the toy behind my back, hoping she hasn't seen a glimpse of it.

"You're naked," Joy declares. "I saw you naked." She points and laughs. I glare at her.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper, not attempting to wake any other person to witness my nudity.

"It's Christmas," she says as if I don't know. "And I have to pee," she whines in my ears.

"We have five bathrooms in this house and you had to pee here?" I huff.

"Why are you naked?" She raises one eyebrow and places both hands on her hips. "Is Tegan naked too? Were you naked together? I'll go see Tegan." Kids are annoying, disturbing, little monsters from hell whom I very much do not tolerate at this age...or any age after three till eighteen.

"If you go there I'll kill you." I thought this little devil had to pee. Now she's taking my privacy away. She mocks me with frustrating laughter and walks to my room.

I'm pretty positive Tegan is dressed now after her own scene a few hours ago, so I'm not really worried. My problem is with this toy...and the fact that the harness is still in the room on the damn floor.

I take two towels, wrapping one around my person and one to hide the dildo inside. I fold it into many layers that the phallus cannot even be suspected inside. I walk to my room and see what I expected to see, my sister toying with the harness. I take it away from her and throw it in my closet.

"What's that?" she asks curiously.

"Just something that...umm...it was attached to the suitcase. Go out now. I need to get dressed." I start pushing her out of my room.

She gasps childishly. "In front of Tegan?" When I was ten, I thought that grown ups could get naked in front of each other. I didn't know what they used to do. But I knew it's okay if they were naked in front of each other. My sister seems to be even more clueless than I was.

"She's asleep. She won't see." I push her till she's out of my room and close then lock the door behind her. I sit on my mattress and sigh. I look back at Tegan's peaceful face and remember why I'm so happy. I lie beside her as my hands admiringly brush her hair.

I fall asleep once again and wake up when I feel a body shifting next to me. I open my eyes and find Tegan yawning beside me. I sit up and look at my naked body once again. The towel is under my skin and Tegan is seated beside me. She smirks as soon as she notices the bashfulness and wonder that comes after realizing I'm being watched by her.

"Last night was impressive and beautiful...but seeing your body like this in the morning sun is just amazing." She lets out a sigh.

"What do you mean by_ impressive_? Did you think I'm that bad in bed?" I jump at her with defensive remarks. She furrows her brows.

"No," she says with a powerful octave, but still scratchy nonetheless. "I meant I never experienced love making...in the dark, like that."

"Oh," I say. My hand is toying with a a stray thread from my duvet. "Sorry," I whisper.

We keep silent for some time. She's so beautiful and I feel so angry and frustrated for no reason other than the fact I'm probably heavily PMSing.

"I feel so bloated," she says as she holds her tummy. "Look." She laughs. "I can play with it." I look at her little bloated tummy and then at mine. I look down at my swollen breasts and erect nipples. A sense of self-consciousness hits me, planting goosebumps all over my skin. I cover my body with the towel once again and look up at Tegan's wandering eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I just got cold," I say.

"You're really bloated too. Your tits are like a size bigger," Tegan comments.

I look up at her again and attack, "Do you mean to say I'm fat?"

"What?" she says. "No." I stand up and start searching for clothes to cover all my my body parts. "I didn't mean to say that...I thought...I'm sorry."

I search for my sports bra around and find it on Tegan's own body. "Is that my sports bra?" I walk up to her.

She looks down at her chest. "No, that's mine."

"No. That's mine. I'm pretty sure it's mine. I only brought one and this is mine." Maybe my tone comes out bitchy but it's too late to take my words back; Tegan takes off the bra and throws it at me. "Keep it. I don't want it." I roll my eyes because anger seems the right thing right now.

Tegan starts crying while I dress my person. Good thing I grabbed a hoodie and sweatpants. Just shitty clothes for a shitty mood and a shitty day. I look back at Tegan and sigh. I walk up to her in an attempt to kiss her cheek and say I'm sorry but she pushes me away. "Just don't." She pulls the duvet up and covers her naked chest. "I'm so annoyed with you. You keep thinking I smell and I'm disgusting and I'm repulsive to the degree you couldn't bear your bra touching my skin. I thought you loved me."

I take a step back and rethink my actions. It seems that as much as I grow I'm still rude and bitchy when treating others. Emy sustained that fault in me, but I think Tegan doesn't like it, especially now that we're dating. My words fail me, they escape my lips without me thinking much of them. And when anger is making ninety percent of my body mass, it means I have no control over my tongue nor even my tears. And that's why I'm crying now.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper pathetically. "I love you for sure...I didn't mean to...I...I'm sorry." There's no excuse to what I have said or done or always do, so I'm left speechless and full of guilt. "I'm not disgusted by you. I really love you...Tegan, please, please don't be mad at me." I cry like a pathetic child. I start making sounds that are possibly irritating.

"It's fine." She starts discarding the sheets off my bed as I stand there looking at her. "Merry Christmas, Sara," she says.

"I'll give it to Jane." I take the bed sheet from her hands.

"There's some blood on it. Not much. I just was naked when I_"

"I know. It's okay." I watch her grab another sports bra and put it on. She holds her temples and rubs them as she leans against my dresser. She begins to cough and pant for air. "Are you okay?"

"It doesn't seem like my flue's getting better." I hand her a hoodie too. I see a ghost of a smile making itself present on her lips when I hand her sweatpants as well. But soon it disappears when our eyes meet.

"I just thought you'd want to be comfortable."

"Isn't this your sweatpants?" She looks at the black material and I nod. She puts it on immediately, passing a quick smirk my way. She zips up her black hoodie and coughs once again.

"Merry Christmas to you too," I say but she doesn't answer. She leaves the room and half-waves without looking at me.

Jane enters after a few minutes with our clean laundry. "I should be appreciated more around here for doing your laundry in Christmas."

"You've done that yesterday and you just remembered to bring it here." I wipe the creases off the new sheets with a swift movement of my palm over them.

"Because some people are too lazy to come and take their clean clothes from the laundry room."

"Merry Christmas, Jane." I roll my eyes at her. While looking back I notice a small black fabric on top of the pile. I walk up to Jane and take the sports bra and look at it closely, realizing it is my bra and the one Tegan was wearing is hers indeed. "Shit," I mutter.

"What's wrong?" Jane asks. I shake my head.

I lower my voice when I notice there's nobody around and ask, "Got any new information?"

"Mhm," she says. "All comes with its price."

"I got you what you want. Now tell me." Just then Tegan enters my room again.

"Your mum wants you down," Tegan says, a little bit too dryly to my liking. She leaves once again.

"I'll tell later. I have to prepare breakfast for your family." Jane leaves as well.

She's the one who has been secretly helping me to find out information about my birth mother. She knows how to get her information and I know how to pay her...with cigarettes and expensive lingerie she can wear when she's with her boyfriend. My parents can't know about our deal because I promised them I won't search again after all attempts have failed. But I'm still determined to find at least one relative even if my birth parents aren't alive. I mean, how far can a sibling, a cousin, an aunt, or a grandmother be? The world isn't too far and big now with technology.

I find my mother in the dinning room alone, putting plates in front of each chair. She tells me to close the door and I do so. I walk up to her and start placing the spoons, knives, and forks on the sides.

"Merry Christmas?" Her silence is scaring me.

"Merry Christmas," she answers. She looks up at me and motions for me to sit. I sit down and she in the opposite direction. "I wanted to get Tegan to join but I don't want to embarrass her."

"With?" I fold my hands against my chest.

"Sara, how old are you exactly?"

"Twenty four if my age is correct." I shrug.

"It is," she says reassuringly. "So since you're twenty four I assume you know too well not to behave like a careless teenager around the house with your girlfriend?" I'm praying to all the gods, angels, and devils that she doesn't know Tegan and I had sex last night. I'm praying to everything she hasn't heard us.

"Of course," I say after swallowing.

"Good," my mum says. "So why did I hear you were walking naked around the house with your girlfriend?" My jaw drops...it literally does drop. "Your sister is ten for God's sake. Have some respect."

"Oh my God," I shout. "That's so not what fucking happened." When I get defensive, I slam things...and poor plate, I didn't mean to slam you against the table.

"Tone it down."

"Mum, what the fuck! That motherfucker said something wrong. I was in the bathroom and, yes, I was naked but that's because I had to pee and nobody was awake so I went naked, okay?" My mum has her forehead pressed against her palm. I'm not making this any better. "So I opened the door and Joy was there. I didn't know she was gonna wake up. It was like, I don't know, six fucking AM, like, I didn't know."

"Walk naked all you want when you're living in your own house, not with other people, not when there's a child."

"Wait...Tegan was not even naked. She was asleep and fully dressed. And Joy is a little spoiled brat who is not raised well." I slam a fork and lean back against the chair, indicating I have made my point. "I just had to pee."

"Next time do not repeat that. I'm happy for you and I'm glad you have a girlfriend, I'm just not happy about my child seeing all of that. She's ten."

"I get it. She's ten. Maybe it's time she knows what grown ups do. Or maybe it's time you teach her to knock before she enters someone's room and to respect someone's privacy. Or are all the rules broken because she's little Joy? She's the real deal and I'm just someone who showed up at your door one day."

"Wow." My mum stands up. "I didn't know you thought of your parents like that. Thanks, Sara. You just made my day."

I seem to be making everyone's day today.

I don't know what kind of monster that has invaded me but it sure seems to be taking turns on everyone in this household. Soon it will be dad I'm snapping at, then Jane, then Joy, then my own person. Or wait, maybe it's a perfect time to cry and throw a meaningless tantrum simply because I feel choked and bothered with everything, even with myself.

Merry fucking Christmas, Sara Unknown. All these years and you're still desperately clinging to a hope of finding those who birthed you and threw you while neglecting those who love you. What a great gift brought to this world you are, magnificent.

**...**

"But why can't I take these? Those are not working," Tegan asks mum in the kitchen.

Breakfast was bitter and nasty...metaphorically. Presents exchange was more awkward than ever. Everybody brought Tegan gifts. She seemed genuinely happy. But then there was me with my signature scowl. Nobody dared to talk to me. It's like I'm PMSing for both Tegan and I.

Now we're in the kitchen. Cramps have already started their evil course towards my uterus, making me gulp all kinds of painkillers and drink three cups of coffee. My mother insists that's no good but I never listen anyway. Tegan is trying to find a replacement to her flue medicines. She's asking mum if she can take mine.

"These are Sara's. They're different. She has asthma. They won't be good for you. I think they're too strong." Tegan pouts her lips. "Keep chugging that lemon juice and you'll be better." I doubt it. Tegan seems more sick than she has been. She can barely open her eyes. "Why don't you go rest?"

"I should." Tegan looks at me sipping my coffee.

"Do you want me to make you a cup?" I ask. Tegan nodes. I finally smile...just because it's Tegan. "Alright. Go to bed and I'll be there in a few."

"How about I make both of you hot chocolate with marshmallows?" mum says when Tegan leaves.

"I want, I want," Joy shouts excitedly.

"Alright, alright." Mum laughs.

"Well," I say, "Tegan does love hot chocolate more than coffee." I tilt my head to the side. "And yes, I'd like one too." Mum smiles at me.

I go up to my room while mum makes our hot chocolate for us. I find Tegan on the telephone. Even though she has a habit of listening to me speaking with others, I don't like this habit, therefore I go to the bathroom instead. Of course, I have to make another turn back to my room to grab an underwear when I discover I have started my period. Tegan is still on the telephone. She gives me a funny look when she sees me there again, then laughs silently when she realizes why I keep coming and going. When I go back to my room, I see my mother there with Tegan. I take my own cup and lie beside Tegan on my bed.

"Tonight we're going out...It's a family dinner. Don't you guys forget," mum says. Lucifer is going in circles around her feet. "Stupid cat. Get away from me." Lucifer meows and looks up at her. "Go to Sara. Go, go." Tegan jumps immediately.

Lucifer, as if he heard I bear all yummy types of cat food, he runs to me right away. I put my cup down and begin to pet his dark fur.

In silence, all I hear is my cat purring, Tegan's wheezing chest, and the soft sipping of the hot drink we're drinking. I look at Tegan's flushed face and gently stroke her cheeks. She closes her eyes and opens them again. Her skin is high in temperature and she seems to be dealing with too much exhaustion.

"It sucks so bad being really sick and having your period. It's like God is angry at me or something." I release a small chuckle. Lucifer meows at Tegan. "Yes, Luci? You agree?" He meows again.

"Wanna try to pet him?" Tegan gives me a little shoulder shake. "He's nice." She does it again. "Fine," I mutter. "Were you talking to your mum?" She nods.

"I miss her so much. I feel like crying." She laughs as a tear rolls down her pale face. "Extra emotional."

"At least not extra bitchy." I sigh. "I'm sorry about this morning."

Tegan nodes, sneaking her hand to my thigh. "I should have known you're having your regular Sara PMS." I slap her hand with a laugh.

"I don't have that."

"You really do." She takes another sip. "This is the best hot chocolate I've had." I lean forward and kiss the side of her lips where drops of the drink have collected there. She giggles when I let go.

"I'll let her teach me how to make it this good and I'll always make you hot chocolate in our new place." I smile widely at her. She sneaks her hand once again down the duvet, this time past my hoodie where she starts massaging the hot skin of my tummy. "Do you like coming here? Or do you regret it?"

"Of course I don't regret it," Tegan says. "I just really miss my mum and dad and wish I can see them. But mum said she'll try her best to visit if she ever could."

"I'm glad you guys made up." I put my cup down on the nightstand and reach for her hair. I collect every strand in one hand and remove my elastic purple hair band from my hair then gently collect her hairs in a small bun the same as the one I had. Lucifer jumps from my lap onto hers and she freezes. I shush her and hold her arms while she tries to control her breathing. "Easy, Teetee." She whimpers and looks down at the cat looking up at her. "See! He's a good boy. He's not gonna hurt you. He just likes you."

"Or he's jealous and wants revenge," Tegan says with her hoarse voice. "He's probably activating all his evil satanic powers on me. It's probably why I'm dying."

"You gotta stop believing what you see in cartoons."

"Nah. That shit is real," Tegan insists.

Soon after all my attempts fail at making Tegan get comfortable enough to touch my cat, she ends up sleeping till I wake her up in the evening. She whines a bit about going out and I join her as we both get dressed.

"You didn't get me tampons," Tegan says as she leans against the dresser watching me getting angry with my hair.

"I didn't go out," I say. "You survived a whole day with a pad. You can do it."

"Ugh." She stomps off around the room.

"You sound like a preteen who has just begun menstruating." Family dinners are not my favourite. My parents are embarrassing. But it seems to be Tegan's wish, so I'm excited for her.

"That's because it's exactly how I feel," she says angrily.

Jane doesn't join us because she's spending tonight with her boyfriend. My fear is that Jane leaves if her boyfriend asks her to move in with him. He works in Ottawa and lately they've been getting more serious. They're both really poor, however. My parents are helping them. But if Jane leaves, it means so many things will change. Jane is my teenage years buddy. She was twenty when she first came here. Her mother used to be mum's nanny and when she died mum took Jane in. Even though she's sassy and most of the time insanely annoying, she does come in handy when it comes to collecting information or having a good time full of mockery at strangers.

Tegan seems to be clicking with my father. They've been talking about business the entire time. Mum and I are bored out of our minds. Joy has been very fascinated with everything that's Tegan (and I don't blame her) to a level she's been hugging the stuffed Winnie The Pooh Tegan has gotten her for Christmas since this morning till now.

A part of me feels like my dad wishes Tegan was his daughter and was smart enough to run all his companies, another part of me feels like he's overwhelmed by her intelligence and is afraid of her brain. Or maybe I'm the one who feels this way. Mum seems impressed but doesn't care much. All she wants is for me to be happy. That's her priority in life...She told me that after I apologized to her today. Well, now I'm happy.

**...**

I hug Tegan's shivering body as I lie beside her after switching the light off. I draw circles on her covered back and kiss the side of her head.

"I'm freezing to death." Her voice is too scratchy and full of sickness. "I don't know what's happening to me."

"You're just tired. Sleep. You'll wake up better." I try to convince her that she will, even though I know she might not. Her coughing has gotten worse. We had to leave early when all of a sudden Tegan seemed to be getting very tired. "Like mum said, a very hot quick shower helps." Tegan groans. "In the morning, of course."

I wish I hadn't had so much caffeine. I feel the most lively at this hour. I cannot close my eyes. I'm simply too excited. I can't stop thinking of Tegan and I sharing an apartment like a real couple. Well, we are a real couple. It's hard for me to believe it because it's Tegan, the girl who refused any concept of commitment just four months ago when I first met her. It scares me she might change her mind too soon. It scares me she might fall out of love. It scares me one of us might break the other's heart. It feels too good to be true...I wonder if she feels this way.

What about Emy? The deal we made? I'd love to have Emy for a little crazy fun when we want some change, but does Tegan still want that now that we're a real couple? I don't even know how to ask her about it. I don't want to anger her more than I already do with my nescient, unaware mouth. I just want us both to be happy and comfortable. I want this relationship to grow and prosper. I want to see a future to it without fearing what might happen tomorrow.

I've opened up to Tegan like I've never opened up to anybody before. In all aspects. There's a an intangible, impalpable shadow of something unknown in my inner knowledge that makes Tegan different from everybody. Like a vague light, it is sneakily permeating from one cell to another inside my brain without me being able to catch it. I want to grip it but it's like a shadow, it cannot be touched nor seen...it can only be felt in hours of darkness like these. I wonder if she feels this strange power. The ways she's holding onto my body makes me believe she can connect with this shadow. The way she prefers to rest her head on my chest each night is what makes me believe we have something bigger than what it seems. Maybe it's just my blind optimism that's soon to be crushed, but I'm never wrong about my intuition. I don't know what it is but I can feel it.

I fall asleep for a little time that I'm not aware I've fallen asleep until I switch on the lamp on my nightstand and look at the time. It's 4:20 and I'm fully awake. Tegan's in the same position she's in. Her breaths are still ragged and hardly escaping her parted lips. I move my hand gently across her back and rub up and down. I feel an eerie wetness when my palm comes in contact with her bum so I touch again. I look at my palm under the red light and see a faint pinkish colour on my fingers and half of my palm. I remove the duvet and sigh when I see the misshapen circular red stain on my bed sheet.

"Eww," I whisper. "Tegan," I say gently, "wake up." When she doesn't respond, I shake her body with my other hand. "Wake up, Teetee."

She opens her eyes and looks at me as if I have kidnapped her or something. Her eyes are dilated and scared. I assume she was dreaming. "W...what?"

"You're leaking...You need to go change."

"What?" She's still not aware of what's going on. "Oh...oh." She jumps up abruptly and I get out of her way to give her space. She looks at the mattress and her eyes widen again. "That's embarrassing."

"It's not," I say.

"Have I told you how much I hate pads?" I laugh. She starts discarding the bed sheet and I push her away.

"Go to the bathroom. I'll remove it." She nods. "You know how to put a pad...right?" I ask hesitantly. She glares immediately. "Just kidding." I chuckle nervously.

I take the dirty sheets and walk to the bathroom. I knock on the door and Tegan appears in her underwear. She takes the sheets from me and closes the door again. "I need to wash my hands," I say as I knock again. She opens the door and lets me in. "What are you doing? Don't wash that now. Jane will take care of it."

"No...that's...no."

"I'll tell her it's me." I squeeze a bit of lavender hand wash onto my hands and look at her. "Why are you so embarrassed? We all bleed." She doesn't answer. "Remember when I threw up on you?" Finally, she smiles. "That's worse to be honest." She sighs and nods. "I have to pee." She starts walking towards the door. "You can stay...but turn around."

"And hear you piss?" she says with her face turned around.

"Seems like it's your favourite melody." I sit on the toilet. She turns around with a smirk. "Hey, turn around," I say loudly and she giggles.

"I can hear you peeing."

"Oh wow...I'm peeing? I didn't know." She giggles again. "You're so amusing when sleep deprived" She hums. "Hand me a pad, please."

"Oh, progress. Who knew Sara Smith would be so open like that." She turns around when she hands me a pad.

"Turn around," I say again.

"I spoke too fast."

"How are you feeling? Are you better?" I ask.

"If by better you mean I can't feel my nose and there's a sharp pain in my chest then hell yeah."

"Sharp pain?" I flush the toilet and proceed to wash my hands once again. Tegan hums again. "I'm kinda worried." She doesn't say anything. "Let's go. If by the morning you didn't get better we have to do something about it."

Tegan doesn't get any better in the morning. In fact, she's somehow managed to get worse. Seeing her hugging blankets and wrapped up in warm clothes in bed while barely able to open her eyes is breaking my heart. Having to leave her to join Rob while he practices for his gig tonight is making me feel even worse. She insisted I go because I promised him...not to forget the fact that I'm giving his band one of the songs I've written (which makes my presence necessary).

"Wear this coat. I don't want you to end up like that," mum whispers as she hands me my red coat. "But you know what, this one's not even heavy." She takes a grey sweater from my closet. "Wear this sweater and the jacket you have on over it then the coat over them."

"I don't wanna look like a marshmallow man," I say.

"You'll look like a cupcake," Tegan attempts to speak. Mum and I look at her.

"Poor Teetee." I walk up to her and kiss her fevered forehead. She blushes. "Mum, don't forget to check in on her each minute."

"Sara," Tegan says with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not dying."

"Dear, you look like you are. I'll have to make sure you're properly breathing like I used to do with Sara when she was a baby."

"Mum."

"I don't have asthma," Tegan says.

"I'll just do what a mother does. Sara, go now," mum says.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" I ask Tegan.

"No. I wanna sleep. Go have fun." She gives me a sincere yet a tired smile.

Rob hugs me tightly when he sees me. "Look at you." He ruffles my hair and I pout. "Get a haircut, dude. You look like a dog."

"Hey," I shout, fixing my hairs. "You're an ass."

He takes the box of cupcakes from my hand and opens it. All his band members swarm around the red box and grab a piece. I squeeze my small frame between their large trunks and hug the box. "Don't finish it all. Keep these two Spongebob cupcakes. They're for my girlfriend." They laugh as if I have said something a kid would say. Tegan reminded me to get cupcakes when she told me I look like one. It would make her feel better. She always brings me cupcakes. I thought I'd do it too. I was lucky to find Spongebob cupcakes. But I was not smart by getting them on my way here. I should have known these starved insensible men would eat all of them. I should have gotten them on my way back.

Rob tells them to take their places and I face them on a chair around a table. They begin practicing So Jealous, a song I've written while I was...so jealous. It's about all these times I was distracted with Tegan's presence that I couldn't even focus on studying or doing anything. I was also jealous of the growing relationship between Emy and Tegan. I was jealous Tegan might be falling for Emy or Emy falling for Tegan. I was jealous that Tegan could be having sex with other people but not me. Now I have this song and I have Tegan as a girlfriend. If I knew my life would change to the better in these four months I wouldn't have wasted so much time worrying. But it's not like a human being can simply know. It's always a mystery.

"So," Rob says after his band finishes, "any notes?" He walks up to me.

"Wow...I'm so happy to hear my song being sang. This feels weird."

"You're happy with it? We didn't want to change anything."

"You guys were really good," I raise my voice, telling everyone, "all of you."

Rob turns around to look at his band then back at me. "I know how much you'd love to sing it. Why don't you do that tonight? We can practice all day," he whispers.

I shake my head. "Hell no," I say. "My dad would kill me. No." I wish I can sing it. I wish I can at least just try. But my dad is never okay with me singing, not even for fun. I know it's my life but I can't really just disobey him when I'm at his house. He thinks that if I sing and people love it I might forget about college and the idea of dropping out would be bigger. Perhaps that was me just four months ago, but now I really want to be in college because of Tegan. My dad said that if I finally graduate I can do whatever the hell I want, as long as I have a bachelor's degree in my hand.

"Till when are you going to let this old man control your life? You're wasting amazing opportunities and a heck of a talent, Sar." Rob reaches for a cupcake and takes a bite.

"He's my dad and he kinda has a point. He doesn't want me to regret dropping out. He wants me to be secure with a degree that can offer me a job."

"Your dad is a fucking millionaire, why would he even be worried? Unless he doesn't want you to take what he has since you're not really..." He doesn't finish.

I feel so offended about what he said that I open my mouth to say something but my phone buzzing in my pocket cuts me off. I look at the caller ID and it's mum. I pick up while sending one of my deadly glares Rob's way.

**...**

The last thing I expected was to receive a call from mum telling me she took Tegan to the hospital because she was not breathing well. At first I thought my mum was exaggerating because she tends to do that and Tegan is fine. Now that I'm standing here while the doctor is asking Tegan all these questions about her health as he moves the stethoscope across her chest I feel like I might faint because of how worried I am.

"I went in the room and she wasn't able to breathe properly. My daughter has asthma so I know what an asthma attack looks like and it looked like that," mum tells the doctor.

"But Tegan doesn't have asthma," I say.

"Actually, I have to diagnose her with asthma. Severity is mild persistent." The doctor turns around to look at us. Tegan lowers her sweater and gets up. "Is she a relative?"

"No," the three of us shout. I'm so sick of this question.

"Strange," the doctor says. "You have someone with asthma in your family, Tegan?" He looks back at her.

"Not anybody I know of." She shrugs.

"Your asthma is clearly inherited. Not severe so you don't have to worry but the symptoms may vary according to the climate or your health. I'll prescribe something for now and you'll have to use the puffer I'm going to prescribe for you whenever you need it."

"Just like me, Teetee." I try to cheer her up...but it comes out wrong. I feel terrible. It's like I cursed her with my bad stuff. First she periods with me and now she asthmas with me too. I hope I don't send the stupidity gene to her too.

"I'm sorry I screwed up your holidays," Tegan says.

"Don't say that," mum says. "I got so worried. For a moment I saw Sara there struggling to breathe."

"I'm sorry, Teetee." I give her a hug and a kiss on her cheek.

"It's fine. At least now I know what's going on." I give her another kiss.

"How did you get here so quickly?" mum asks.

"Rob drove me."

"Is he still here?" I nod.

"He's waiting outside. He got worried too."

"Oh, what a sweet man he is." If only she heard him utter what he said to me just half an hour ago she wouldn't be saying this. "Do you want to come back home with us or go back with him?" Even though she's giving me options to choose from, she still gives me the look of having no choice but to go back with them. But of course, that's what I'm planning to do. I'm not leaving Tegan feeling ill and horrible. How did she get this stupid asthma? Why now?

"Go ahead and I'll follow you. I forgot something. I have to get it and I'll be back. I won't be long...I promise." I look at Tegan then at my mum nodding.

**...**

"I need to get cupcakes. A new box. Please, let's go get cupcakes for Tegan," I say shakily to Rob in the car. "And quick because I don't want her to think I just left her."

"Whoa." He laughs a little. "You fucking love her."

"Yes."

"You're so worried."

"I am."

I want to get Tegan an entire box of Spongebob and Mickey Mouse cupcakes. I want to drown her in goodies and make her feel better. I want her to know that this is how I like to take care of whom I love. I don't want her to think I don't care and I'll leave her. I don't want her to think she's like her mother.

I ask mum to make us two hot chocolate with marshmallow cups. She also offers to take the television from Joy's room and move it to my room so we can watch some film. I've always liked to watch something while drinking something hot after a bad asthma attack when I was little. I had the television in my room until I went to college. Whenever I returned for a break and got sick mum would carry it back to my room and I'll sit with Joy and Lucifer and we'll watch something funny or stupid. It's actually a very great idea because Joy has a great set of animated films and that's Tegan's first love. (I'm pretty sure it comes before me.)

I find Joy, Jane, and, of course, Lucifer all in my room. They're talking (or meowing) none stop. I hand Tegan a hot chocolate cup and place the box of cupcakes on my mattress. She gasps and her eyes widen when she sees it. I guard it immediately with my arms when the two annoying girls stretch out their hands to take one.

"No," I shout. "That's for Tegan only." I glare at them.

"There are a dozen of cupcakes there. That's not fair," Joy whines with her annoying squeaky ten year old voice.

"Sara." Tegan Gives me a look. "Don't be mean."

"Fine," I say. "You can take only one." Jane and Joy hurry to grab a cupcake. "Is Lucifer bothering you? Maybe you can't breathe well because of him. Some can't put up with cat fur."

"No, it's fine. I'm a bit better now." She smiles at me. "I can't believe you did that."

"Did what?"

"This." She points at the cupcakes. "Took over my part?" She winks at me and leans in to kiss me. Our lips touch for just a second until Tegan pulls away when mum comes in with the TV in her arms.

Jane gives mum a hand as they plug everything that's necessary. "What are you guys going to watch?" mum asks.

"I don't know," I answer.

"I wanna watch with you," Joy says.

"Sure."

"Watch something appropriate." Mum gives me her..._mum look_.

"Don't worry. Tegan only likes animation." And porn.

"Do you have Cinderella?" Tegan asks my sister.

"Cinderella?" I ask.

Tegan blushes. "Yup."

"Wow."

"I do...I think. I'll go check."

"Lucifer reminds me of Cinderella." Tegan shrugs, taking a bite of her cupcake. I finally kiss her now that we're alone. "Mmm."

"Ya," I whisper while my lips are touching hers. "I wanna make out with you."

"Later, maybe." She gives me another quick kiss.

**...**

"What were you arguing about with Jane today? Seemed intense," Tegan asks me as we are lying down, ready to fall asleep.

"Not arguing...I just..."

"Tell me."

"She helps me earn information about my birth mother but it seems like it keeps getting more complicated."

"How so?" Tegan asks. She turns onto her side and faces me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"I was about two months old when my grandmother found me at her door. I was all clean and healthy and okay. My grandma was here in Toronto. Jane says it's clearly someone who knew my parents couldn't conceive put me outside of my grandma's door."

"Ya?"

"Yes. She thinks my grandmother knows who it is or has a clue but doesn't want to say." Tegan begins stroking my hair. "I think so too. I'm just...I don't get it. There's this whole mystery about where was I born."

"Where do you think you were born?" Tegan asks me. Her voice is sweet and gentle despite how raspy it is.

"Now we're sure I wasn't born here in Toronto. There's a chance not even in Ontario." Tegan takes my hand and moves her index across the skin of it. "I mean...we've done our hospitals search. Jane says I could be born not in a hospital but I doubt it."

"I think that whoever gave birth to you didn't want you to know them at all. Were your parents here?" I agree with Tegan. Ten years of search and all doors are closed. Sometimes I feel like everybody knows something but they're hiding it. Sometimes I feel that my parents are as clueless as I am.

"No," I respond, "Calgary."

She sits up all at once. "Okay, wait." She grabs both my hands and hums. "So let's assume your biological mother or father or whoever gave you away knew your parents wanted a child, right?"

"Yes."

"Yes. So how would they know if they're not close to them?" She raises an eyebrow. I see it under the shadow of the dimmed light.

"You mean I was maybe born in Calgary?"

"Maybe." Tegan rests beside me again. "Or your family lives there." I hum. "Let's look at it this way. If they didn't want you to be connected to them, they traveled after two months or so, maybe, and gave you to your grandmother...just to make it seem as if you were born here."

"Well," I say, "that's possible."

"You want me to ask mum for help? She has connections."

"No," I say aloud. "No...I don't want anybody to know I'm adopted. At all. Only you and Rob."

"Alright, Sasa." She kisses the side of my face. "I'm ready to help if you want me. Anytime."

"I'm just frustrated because it just seems like there's no door. As if I'm running in a circle and I can't get out of it."

"Honestly, babe, I think you should give it a rest. If it's meant for you to find who deserted you then you will, if not, then why are you running after someone who didn't want you in the first place? Your parents love you so much. They're amazing. Can't you see how happy your mum is that you're around? She's acting as if her fourteen year old daughter is under her roof again, not a twenty four year old adult. I wish my parents were this ecstatic about me being around. I wish all the time and attention were on me. I wish I was given more love than money. I didn't understand love but in this household I understand it well."

Her words make me tear up. Few tears stream down my face but then I begin crying heavily. Maybe I'm just sad, maybe I'm just angry, maybe I just feel bad for her, or maybe I'm just happy to have her. "I love you so much," I make sure to tell her.

She turns my face around gently and kisses my lips. "I love you too."

I can say this is the best Christmas I've ever had. No Christmas can compare. Not even when I was young. Even through the sickness and tears and arguments, this holiday is the best. Tegan is the best thing that's happened to me and it's just the beginning. Every minute I discover something about her. She's smart and beautiful and I love her so much. It doesn't feel like there are years between us. She understands me as if she's me. She understands me as if she can see what's harboured inside of me. She forgives me and I let down my guard around her. I'm no more shy. I can't really keep my fantasies in a glass box inside my brain. They're on the surface where she can see them and touch them. She no longer refuses to say what she thinks. She doesn't lock inside what she feels. She talks now and feels loudly with me.

Making out with her is strange and beautiful at the same time. It's like a process of pulling and pushing one's heart outside their rib cage and inside it. It's like a ritual performed. It's like a special dance. It's like something I can't describe but it's a pattern that our lips got used to and the more my tongue collides with hers I feel like I am in too deep, and perhaps I am. I probably am.

Tegan pulls away and winces. I try to control my breathing as I come in touch with reality. Third day of Christmas, at home, nobody else is at home but Tegan and my person.

"Sometimes it feels like it's a bad idea I have a nipple piercing." Her small hand moves to rub her right breast above her bra.

"It hurts too bad?" She nods as a tear rolls down her face. "Why don't you remove it for a bit?"

"No, it hurts. And putting it back hurts." She looks inside her bra and hisses. "I either got too turned on or this is infected."

"Let me see." I lower her bra down and look at the purplish colour of her nipple. "Ouch." I move my finger to touch the piercing.

"No, no," she shouts. "It hurts."

"Do you trust me?" She nods. "I'm gonna remove the piercings." Before she could open up her mouth, I continue, "I won't hurt you, I swear. Please, let me do it. I'll put them back later, really softly."

She gives in eventually and allows me to slowly rid her off the pain and soothe her hardened nipples. She closes her eyes and parts her lips. I'm not sure if she's pained or relaxed but she's not telling me to stop tracing her jewelry-free nipples. I run the tip of my index in circles around each nipple. She throws her head to the back and releases a soft moan.

"That feels so good." She bites her lower lip and moans again. "I miss this." I put more pressure and begin to knead her breasts as well. "I'm so horny." She laughs.

"Can I?" I whisper against her hard nipples, inches away from my lips. She nods and I wrap my lips around the pink bud. I lick softly for quite some time as I hear her moans increase.

"Sara?" She asks and I let go. "Do...uh...what about Emy?" She bites her lower lip once again. I touch the wet bud and gently squeeze. "I mean...you know...I..."

"What do you want?" I kiss the other nipple and give it a quick lick.

"Whatever you want. I don't mind anything." I can see she's hesitant and scared.

"I want us to be comfortable and both of us one hundred percent okay with whatever decision we're going to make."

"Me too." She squeals when I bite a little.

"I don't mind what we have agreed on." I palm both breasts and massage.

"Honestly, I don't as well. But I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"I really want it...when you know, we want some change...if it happens. Of course if she wants to."

"Yes, of course." I kiss Tegan's lips.

"I mean...have you seen her tits?" I give her a little smirk.

"You literally have my tits in your hands and you're thinking of hers?"

"I'm teasing you," I whisper and kiss her again.

She pushes my face down and lustfully pushes her breast in my mouth. I suck her hardened pink buds each and knead her heavy mounds as she humps my mattress. She holds my hair and moans louder than before. I look up and watch her humping the mattress with parted lips and arched back.

"Did you?" I bashfully ask. She opens her eyes and nods. "Wow."

"I was that close. That damn close. I didn't think it was gonna happen."

"You're amazing."

She's amazing. Spending these days with her is amazing. Even when we don't touch. Even when we're surrounded by my noisy family. Everything with her is amazing, alone or around others.

On New Year's Eve we kiss in front of everyone when it ticks twelve. 2005...New year. I feel as if it's going to be great. I feel as if everything's going to change.

We call Emy to tell her happy new year. We put it on speaker and speak with her for awhile.

"I can't believe you guys are girlfriends now," Emy yells. "That's so fucking hot. I'm gonna fantasize about that." Emy's weird...but that's why she's our third partner in crime.

"I can't believe you're still a pervert," Tegan says.

"I bet you miss me."

"We do," we say together.

"Why is there so much noise? Where are you?" I ask.

"Babysitting my stupid nephews. They're a plague." We hear the sound of something breaking in the background.

"No new year's plans? No date? No kiss?" I asks, teasingly...perhaps a bit guiltily.

"I kissed my mum's cheeks."

"How about we give you a telephone kiss on the lips?" Tegan asks her and looks at me. I nod.

"Alright, yes." We both make disturbing kissing sounds to the phone and she responds with her own dirtily exaggerated version. "Tegan's a better kisser."

"Fuck you," I say.

"Love you too." I'm not sure which way she means it, but who cares, it's Emy. She loves us...we love her. "I have to go. Bye bitches. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year, Em," Tegan says.

"Have rough new year sex and remember me while fucking each other." Just then my mum passes by and looks at Tegan and I with fixed eyes. Just then the line goes dead. My mum shakes her head and walks away.

"It's Emy who said it." I shrug. "Happy New Year, Teetee."

"Happy New Year, Sasa." She kisses me _really_ good with the emphasis on really.


	14. Chapter 14

Maybe chapters are going to be weird, or not everyone's cup of tea from now on. It's a bit new for me too to write. It's not really realistic and I don't think you guys will like it, but I'm going to write everything my weird brain comes up with.

* * *

**Tegan**

"I'm gonna miss this place." I look at frowning Sara as she looks at the stark empty dorm room. All her furniture has been moved to our new apartment. Only few things we have to leave here because they came with the room.

I hand the last box to Emy and pull my pants up. Sara is still frowning when I turn around to look at her. When I turn back looking at Emy, I see her with a frown as well, looking all around the room. I've heard they shared quite the beautiful memories in this place, but I want to make my own now with Sara. Emy for sure will be included if she desires, but I want my own special type of memories with Sara in our new small and pretty place.

"And this is the last box," I say as I pull my pants up again, it insists on falling.

"Alright," Emy says, "gonna get it in my car and drop you two whenever you're emotionally ready to leave." She directs the last phrase to Sara; however, not to me.

Sara nods with her lips crooked in a frown that kind of does break my heart.

"Give me some time with her, I'll get her out of this mood," I say to Emy. "You can just relax in your room, Em. I'll text you when we're ready." I basically kick Emy outside of my room, and she gets it, because right now she's giving me a nod with a knowing smile and walking out of my room.

I turn around and face sad Sara. "I thought you're happy about moving, Sasa?"

"I am," she says very unenthusiastically. "I just feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I'm kinda anxious about it. It's like..." She pauses, sighs, then continues, "I feel like everything is changing and it scares me."

I walk up close to her, our bodies are almost touching, but they aren't. I place both hands on both shoulders and look at her with focused eyes. "You're growing and changing, which is good. You can feel it and you're scared of it because you weren't ever ready for adulthood and you still think you're not, but I know you are." I close the distance and touch her lips with mine. It's just a little peck that makes her smile.

"How do you know?"

"You take good care of me." I shrug. "I just feel it. I mean, I see it." I blush a little bit. She nods and kisses me, a bit longer this time.

"I'm gonna miss my foolishness that accompanied this place." She looks all around the walls, they're stripped off her posters and things she has stuck there throughout the years. "I just...I want to be a bit of a fool right now." She blushes deeply.

"And how is that?" Her smile is cunning as she toys with the hem of my shirt.

"I want something from you." Her voice is raspy now. I think I understand it.

I hum.

"I want you to take all your clothes off and spread your legs while sitting on the dresser."

The dresser is one of the things we left, it belongs to the dorm. We had to buy a new one, it's a bit small, but we arranged how we are going to fit our stuff in there. I hope we don't fight over whose stuff is mixed with whose, because that's how most of our fights are, especially the past week as we came back from visiting her parents. All of my things were in her suitcase and hers were in mine. We both learned a lesson that we should never ever buy the same underwear or bra while shopping together. It's mostly my fault because I always like the stuff she picks and I pick the same things. I don't know why I do it, but I always do it as if she's the director of my life and I'm the little child following all her steps.

I look at the dresser and laugh a bit while giving her a nod. I never mind free sex, that's like a birthday gift to me. She can easily get me to strip and quickly get between my legs and take all that she wants from me.

She unzips her jeans and then unbuckles it. I'm naked now. She unbuttons her jeans and motions for the dresser. I place my bum on the cold wood and shiver. I spread my legs fully and look down at my recently shaved cunt. Though, I only notice the irritation that's giving me a very disturbing discoloration in my inner thighs and bikini area.

Sara notices it immediately, she bends down and places her knees on the floor. Her thumb runs across the fiery redness and I hiss when she touches it. "I don't think I'm gonna be able to do you with the strap," she mumbles as she looks between my legs. "What happened there?" She finally looks up at me.

"Stupid pads. I told you they cause me a rash. I'm super sensitive."

She laughs. "Oh," she says, shaking her head, "that's what happened." I give her a quick glare. "You were so uncomfortable when we had sex on New Year's Eve I thought I was so terrible."

"I said you weren't. I just didn't wanna mention it because it didn't matter and it was dark, and like, ya, it didn't matter." I look down at my pussy and then back at her face. "It has been getting worse, though."

"I'll get you something to use."

"Don't bother, already done that." I don't know why this position is already making me extremely wet when I haven't been touched yet. "Me being constantly wet doesn't really help."

"Not wearing an underwear, especially when asleep will help a lot." She squeezes my thigh.

"You'd like that." I wink at her. She gives me another squeeze.

Two of her fingers travel to where all of me wants them. The tips graze my lips so gently while she looks between my legs. I lean back, resting my head against the wall and lifting my feet to place the heels on the edge of the dresser in order to give her a full view of my vulva while feeling more pleasure as she fucks me.

"No shaving for awhile, alright?" I look down at her, her index is sliding between my slit quickly, leaving my clit throb for attention. "It's more irritated because you just shaved. Just use whatever medicine you're using if it actually helps and leave it like that."

"How do you know?" I feel her index and middle toying with my wetness, rubbing it all around my folds. "Oh," I moan with a sigh.

"Everybody gets a rash in some different body part." I look down at her again, she's not looking at me, she's very focused on my pussy, which I admit makes me a bit sheepish because when I look down I see how messy I am.

"Please don't tease," I beg her. Whenever she's about to place her thumb above my clit, she draws away, which leaves that tiny bundle of nerves jumping and aching, literally.

"I do what I want, Teetee." She bites my thigh so softly that I don't even feel her teeth. Though, I feel a finger making its way inside of my hole. I release a small moan and close my eyes. "Really wanted to fuck you wildly with the strap, but another time, when you're less hurt."

I open my eyes and look down again to find her finger in me, not moving, but I can feel it curling just a tiny bit inside in a come hither-motion.

"You should like...expose your pussy to air each day for about a few minutes, it helps." I moan loudly because she finally touches my clit with her thumb the moment she finishes her sentence.

Another finger joins her index and she begins moving the length in and out slowly. "God," I say breathlessly. "Feels so good."

"You know what I fantasize about?"

She quickens her pace, in and out, in and out, very quickly and easily. I pant as I shake my head. My hand reaches for a breast and I knead what I can find.

"That...uh...I'd film you naked and then watch what I've done to you and then when you do it to me, we'd do the same, like, I just wanna watch us doing it." I open my eyes and look at her flushed face. "I'm sick, I know. Just...don't judge me."

She looks down between my legs again. Her thumb is rubbing my fluids in a quick motion against my clit. I feel myself getting closer with her unstoppable thrusting and it's hard for me to speak.

"I..." I moan again when she hits a special spot. "Oh, God, Sara," I scream this time. "Oh, God."

She inserts a third finger and places her tongue right on the hood of my clit. I'm dizzy enough and lost between the lusty hard thrusts and between the flicking of the tip of her tongue right where I want it. I arch my back and my butt almost slips up because of the wetness I have created. My feet and legs fall off and hug Sara's shoulders. She places a hand behind my back while the other is doing me. Right when I tighten around her, she gives my clit a very rough suck that gives me small pain but humongous joy and throw me to the edge. I make more sounds as I am riding my orgasm. When I calm down, I feel her slipping her fingers out of me and dragging her tongue across my pussy thoroughly to clean me well.

I push her just a little bit and get up. I stretch in front of her roaming eyes while smiling at her. She begins stripping her clothes off and I understand immediately what she needs. It's not like I wasn't going to do her, but it looks like she's trying to be in charge. Honestly, that works with me at times when we're romantic and such, but sometimes I like to regain the control she has stolen away from me and this is one of these times, I mean, she wants more memories here, doesn't she?

As I expected, Sara is strapped. I watch her free herself from the harness and get the first view of her pussy since three days ago. We haven't had any time to have sex since New Year's Eve. I only caught glimpses of her body when she changed, which she does comfortably in front of me now. Three days ago, she allowed me inside the bathroom as she showered. I watched her washing her body as I stood behind the curtain. We were making a list of the things we needed to buy for the apartment. Then she opened the curtain and I saw her dripping nude skin. I really wanted to devour her right there but we had to be professionals about the whole moving out situation and head to the store. So I stood there watching her dry her body and get dressed.

I like confident Sara, but there's something I've always loved about bashful Sara, perhaps because I love to feel like I am the dominant one in the relationship. Although, I admit, it's a good thing that both of us are taking full control together, there's this sense of a balanced relationship and I like it as well, but right now, I just really want to be in charge and show her what I can do.

I reach for the harness and begin strapping myself. Sara is looking at me doing it.

"I don't think that's a good idea with your rash," she says.

"There's a slit in the crotch." I give her a gummy smile as I place the phallus in its right place.

She's hesitant when she wants to speak because she wants it, but says anyway, "You're...it's not a good idea."

"Don't worry, I'll put some Fucicort after we're done."

"Is that what you're using?"

"Yes. My doctor prescribed it."

"That's pretty strong."

"I told you I get a terrible rash down there."

I walk up to her and, very quickly, turn her around making her body bump into the dresser, bending her torso against it. She lets out a small scream as I straddle her from behind. "Now," I say, "I'm gonna fuck you real good you won't ever forget this place." She looks back at me with wide eyes. "Did you think I'd let you have all the charge?" I place a small kiss on her puffy lips, holding both wrists behind her back.

"You're gonna regret this." I rub the dildo against her ass, waiting for her to spread her legs so I can do what I want to do, quickly and roughly, without teasing, just pleasing and taking full control.

"You won't be saying this after you come."

She finally spreads her legs, giving me a nice view of her nice and moist cunt. My fingers instantly go there to touch her damp lips and saturated folds. I reach for her clit and rotate it very quickly, hearing her heavy breathing.

"Turn your head, let me look at you," I say. She turns her head, her cheek touching the spot I was sitting on, the wet spot I left there. I reach over to kiss her lips again, to show her I truly love her and even though we're having some kind of rough sex, we're still making love. "Do you want to play with your boobs? Play with them, babe."

"They're pressed against the dresser, kinda hard to reach them."

I insert only the tip of my index in her sweet little hole and pull out right away, gathering juices up to her clit and rubbing it from side to side.

"It's okay, lift yourself up a bit, put your hand down there and do what you like." I wait for her as she does what I told her, watching her palm one breast and lie again against the piece of wood. "If I'm hurting you in any way, tell me." I kiss her lips again and she hums.

While circling her tiny clit, I push inside of her rather quickly, pushing any type of resistance away. Her moan is scratchy and full of surprise as I begin thrusting without even giving her a chance to absorb the feeling.

"Is it okay?" I ask just to make sure. She moans in return and I understand she's fine with it. "I'd film us naked. I have a camera. Like a sex tape you meant right."

Her entire body is moving and shaking with every hard and quick thrust. I don't know how I have the power to speak, because I'm losing my breath as well.

"I don't want to come too quickly, Tegan. That's not fun."

"Who said I'm gonna let you come too quickly?" I give her one very hard thrust that makes her shut her eyes tightly.

"Uh...kinda like a sex tape, yes, but...you know, nobody can see it but us...Oh God, holy shit, Tegan, Tegan," she moans my name at the end of her sentence.

"Do you like that?"

"Yes, yes, Oh, shit, yes." Her moans are exaggerated and very fun to hear.

I pull out of her without warning, watching her hole get back to its very small size again. I turn her around and look at her messed up and full of sexual desire. I kiss her sloppily because she doesn't put much effort to kiss me back, she's tried and wants to come, I can see it. I lower my head down and give each nipple a hard suck. When I feel her grinding against me, I push her down till she's lying on the floor, same position, except I can see her cunt even better, and she can pinch and tease her nipples pretty well.

"Have you ever tried doggy-style?" While I'm asking, I push in again, very easily this time, watching her walls stretch perfectly around the dildo, hugging it and sucking it in.

"Ya," she says, but, basically, it comes out as a whiny moan.

I'm standing on my knees, pushing in and out of her. Her ass is so attractive and beautiful. I can't help not to touch it and give her a small spank. She makes a noise when I do. I look there and watch her pinching one nipple.

"But...only me doing it to Emy," she says all of a sudden.

"Of course." I laugh while thrusting. I reach for her clit and circle there again for awhile.

We stay like this for a bit until she tells me her back is hurting her very badly. I let her lie flat on the floor and I lie on top of her, still inside of her, not putting much pressure on her body. Her face is turned around and my hair is touching her cheek. I think I'm going to need my puffer after that because I'm tired and I'm losing my breath.

She takes too long to come, and I've been pushing a bit slowly since we have decided to be in this position. I want her to come already because I'm tired myself and my hips are cramping, so I return to my first ever pace, thrusting in like a maniac, making her scream and squirm under me. I snake my hand till I reach her clit and circle there very quickly. My other hand is on the floor, giving me support to be in this irritating position.

"I'm...I'm feeling that same feeling, Tegan." I don't understand what she means first, but then she screams pretty loudly all of a sudden and I pull out quickly as I watch her squirt on the floor.

Well, now she left her mark, for sure. Now she can move happily.

She lies there for a very long time. I wash up, clean the toy, clean myself, and wear my clothes again. She's still lying there when I leave the bathroom. I worry quickly, thinking something is very wrong. But I look at her face and she smiles when she sees me. I get her the puffer and help her up. I feel a bit bad because her back is giving her a very hard time. So I pick her up to the bathroom and wait for her outside as she pees.

Her mother told me about her back last week. It was actually something very serious. Sara had a very strong inflammation that disabled her from walking. Her cortisone injections made her eat too much, which made her gain so much weight that she started hating herself. I suppose she feels this insecure because of that, maybe. I saw a couple of pictures, she looked pretty cute, I have to admit, but her mother said she hated looking at the mirror. I worry sometimes that I might hurt her and then she'd have to take these medications again and be depressed again, but I always forget about her back until she reminds me.

I clean the floor as she washes up inside. When we get in Emy's car, we're both very exhausted. I'm not liking how Sara seems so sad. I keep asking if she's alright and she assures me she is. Emy becomes curious and thinks we've fought. I tell her we didn't. She doesn't ask more, she keeps staring at Sara only.

We're very exhausted that we sleep on the mattress without any sheets and in our clothes and wake up at night. I wake up finding Sara putting clothes into the closet that we now share. I hurry to the bathroom to pee and discover the terrible redness, bumps, and pain that's covering my bikini lines. I wash and dry the entire area. I rid myself off my clothes and walk out naked. Sara's eyes widen when they look at my rash. I open my backpack and pull the toy we used today out of it since it's the last thing I've put there then search for my cream. I apply gently above the heated areas and wait for Sara to say something. I grab a large T-shirt from my opened suitcase and put it on. Sara is still not speaking to me.

"Are you okay, Sara? Did I hurt you today?" I'm so worried that I have pushed her over her limits. I told her if it is too much she can stop me. She didn't and I think she liked it. But now I'm scared because she's silent and seems moody.

"Why did you let me...squirt again?" she whispers so coyly while looking at a cardigan before putting it in her side of the closet.

I walk up to her and stand behind her. I give her the space she needs but try to show the support I want to show. "Sara," I say very gently and calmly, "I don't know how I do that but I don't think I can really control it?" She's still not looking at me. "Are you ashamed of it?" She nods quickly? "Why?"

"It's weird."

"It's not...it happened to me before too."

"It did?" She suddenly turns around, more focused and a bit surprised. I nod. "With who?"

"The first woman I had real sex with. I always thought she knew how to do it. Like she made me do it, but now...I don't know, it just happened. It really means you're having a very good time, you know. Nothing to be ashamed of." Sara shrugs and turns around again. "Why are you so insecure about everything? Your body parts, sex, feelings, words, tests, every damn thing." I walk closer to her.

"I...I don't know. I just am." She brushes my hand off when I touch her shoulder. I lean in and kiss her cheek from behind. "Tegan." A giggle escapes her lips when I start tickling every exposed part of her neck all of a sudden. "No, no, Tegan."

I turn her around and kiss her beautiful pink lips. "I love you so much," I whisper while my lips are still brushing hers.

"I love you too." She lets go of my grip and walks to the bathroom. Before she enters, she says, "I'm proud of you, Teetee."

I follow her inside and watch her taking her clothes off. "For what?"

She turns around not wanting to face me obviously, this shyness will never go away. "For being able to express love freely and beautifully."

"Oh." I snort a bit. "Are you gonna shower?"

"Ya." She eyes the toilet first but then makes her way inside the tub. She closes the glass door and I stay outside.

"Did you want to pee? Do you want me to go out?" I raise my voice just a little so she can hear me over the sprinkling water.

"No, I'm fine." We both pause for a second. "I would have asked you to turn around anyway."

"Oh ya, now you do that." I laugh a bit and sit on the counter. "Even sitting is hard," I simply mumble to myself.

"Oh, right, what's up with your situation down there?" she asks.

"Didn't you see yourself?" I hear her little laughter from inside the tub.

"Sleep with your knees bent and widely spread." She laughs more and I can hear the mocking tone.

"Fuck you." She laughs more. "If it isn't for your stupid pads."

"Don't you wanna shower?" she asks, changing the subject.

"No, I'm tired." I yawn as soon as I say it. I need more sleep. We need to clean and tidy this place but not tonight, nope, never.

"Lazy, dirty, whore."

"Bitch."

We continue throwing mocking words and cusses at each other the entire time we're in the bathroom. Sara puts on lace undies and turns me on again, which is not good for my rash because when I'm wet I'm a mess, literally wetting my thighs and everything else. I'm not even wearing an underwear and it's embarrassing how wet I am just because she put a piece of lace on her ass. She puts on a tank top and I watch her boobs jiggle as she bends down cleaning the floor or picking up my clothes from our bedroom.

I think it's the sense of sharing a home with a lover that's making me feel even more excited. Yes, it is certainly the feeling that I can have her all to myself anytime we both want to, and we can just laze around or do anything we want alone, in this place. It feels great, it feels magical.

Sara complains about her hunger and my stomach growls in response. She pinches my tummy slightly and pulls my hand to the kitchen. The good thing is that even the fridge she had at the dorm was hers, because she wanted a bigger one so her dad got her her own one. So now it's here, and our food is still in it. But sadly, we barely have anything to eat. She hands me a bottle of water and takes one for herself, chugging all of it at once. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and offers to make boiled eggs.

"It's kinda all we have...unless you want cereal or fruits."

I groan loudly as I take a seat at the kitchen table. "That's not gonna fulfill the Tegan hunger."

"I'll cut you little cucumber and tomato slices with it. You can eat it with a bread."

"That fulfills the healthy Sara hunger, not the beastly Tegan hunger. Can't we order something?" I smile widely at her.

"No," she says sternly. "We have to talk about the costs, bills, and taxes right now." I huff.

Okay, I'm not excited about having an apartment to myself anymore. And I love it more when Sara is just a shy little human being, not when she's a responsible adult reminding me that this is not the ideal Tegan world that I have painted in my head.

Sara puts the eggs on the stove and joins me, sitting opposite to me. "Okay, I made a list and divided everything." Sara hands me a little notebook that has been there on the kitchen table and I haven't seen it until now.

"Damn, you're so arranged." I look at the tables she made and how much we'll have to pay.

It's too much. Too damn much.

"Yes." She smiles proudly. "Aren't you the business woman though? Do your job."

"True, true." I start studying everything she has jotted down and discuss who's going to pay what until our eggs are ready.

"You can pay that, right?" I ask a bit hesitantly when I watch her concerned face. "Because if you can't, I can."

"No, no, I can." She swallows what's in her mouth and says again, "I'm just kinda nervous. It feels overwhelming and new. I wish I can just find a job and help you with my own money."

"I'm not even helping me with my own money, Sasa. My dad is helping as much as your dad is. We're just starting, eh?" She nods.

When we finish, we both go to the bathroom. I pee in front of Sara and she pees while I'm turned around. We brush our teeth and go back to the bedroom. We sleep on our new bed. We have sold the two beds Sara had and got this new one we can share together. Sara having her own furniture in her dorm room did help us a lot. I tell her goodnight and she tells me goodnight and the light goes off.

I wake up before she does, so I just sit up, bend my knees and spread them to get good air between my legs, it better give me good results as Sara said. I stay like this for about fifteen minutes, thinking of everything, thinking of my life and how it's different now, thinking of my love and the fact I can have one, thinking of my parents and how they don't matter, thinking of what I can do and what I thought I couldn't. Life is beautiful this way when you have a beautiful, sweet girlfriend, good education, a place to stay, something to eat, someone to talk to, someone to hold at night, and a good friend. This is the life I've seen in movies and series and never thought I'd have it. I wish to live it like this forever. I wish to grow with this woman sleeping beside me till I am too tired to think of my life. I want this calm, I want this serenity, I want this peace. I don't want to worry, I hope I won't ever worry about anything that's too exhausting in its nature, coming down on me and washing the beauty of this life away.

Sara begins to stir beside me and I slide my body down a bit. I begin stroking her hair as she goes into the process of opening her eyes, rubbing them, closing them, then opening them again. Though, this time, she opens them right away and doesn't close them. They're wide and too bright like the morning. She escapes a high-pitched tiny squeal and shuts her eyes tightly. She places her hand behind her back and bites on her lower lip.

"Sara?"

"My back," dhe says, her voice is cracked. "Tegan, my back hurts too bad."

"Oh, shit, babe." I sit up again and try to turn her around on her tummy to see her back.

"Oh, God, don't." She sucks in her breath. "Look, can you run to the pharmacy...or like any store, I don't know, but can you go get me any back cramp cream? Or wait, there are these stickers you stick on your back and they heat the area? Ya, they're, like, green, I think. Just ask anybody who works and they'll give it to you." She confuses me with everything she says; so I panic.

I get up quickly, walk to the bathroom, pee, wash my hand and face, brush my teeth, and then return to my room, grabbing a boxer, then putting on a sports bra, a T-shirt, jeans, and then my parka over everything. I hurry like a maniac to get Sara what she wanted. It's as if my wife is in labour and I'm running around searching for a doctor in the hospital to come outside with a gurney or it will be too late.

I never thought I'd do that. I never thought I'd be so worried. In those past ten minutes I was running around, forgetting it's only seven in the morning, I thought of everything bad that could be hitting Sara, and then, this peace, serenity, quiet, and love all seemed to fade as I was thinking and thinking and thinking about Sara and her back and her pain. That was close, too close, I kept thinking. It shouldn't happen now, I just woke up, it's only the first ever day of a good life, I was telling myself, hoping something inside of me would hear me and reverse this tragedy. The fact that I thought of it as a tragedy tells too much about how much Sara means to me and how much I love her.

But now I'm okay, and she's a bit better. I'm back with these stickers, tolerating the smell they spread in the room, helping Sara back to sleep, making her promise me it was just a nasty morning cramp from the activities we've done yesterday. I think we should be careful during sex, but where's the fun in that? But, no, wait, it's okay, it's not just sex, it's love, yes, yes, it's love. I can do without wild, bone-breaking sex and just love slowly and gently like the waves of the ocean in a calm sunset. I can do that.

Sara even went to pee and that's good because she was able to move. She returned and told me she needed more sleep. Now I'm watching her closing an eye then jumping awake, and then repeating the entire thing until she sleeps.

I go out of the house again and do some grocery shopping. The fact that university is going to start back in less than a week isn't my favourite thing to remember. I want to enjoy my time with Sara without the whole hectic schedule of working and studying all the time. But I neglect thinking of university for now and think of what I want to buy for the house. We have no food, so I fill my cart with what we need. I'm thinking of making her pancakes. Yes, and I'd add a bit of blueberry jam and cream and she'd love it. She hasn't eaten something nourishing for the past couple of days because of the whole moving out chaos we were in. Now that we're settled, she deserves something good to wake up to.

What I also love about living alone, or with a lover, is the fact I can finally walk in the nudity I love. I stay in baggy shorts only, not even wearing any underwear because of the rash. I keep my torso without any clothing and tie my hair as I begin to work. Some consider it uncomfortable, I just feel like it's liberating and refreshing.

I hear a shuffling sound from beside me and look at the door, watching Sara walking in slowly with her bed hair and morning eyes. I smile widely at her and she does too.

"Morning," she says lazily.

"How's your back? Why didn't you stay in bed?" I take a quick look at the pan and back at her. She's smiling still, walking up to me.

"I'm good. I don't feel a thing, don't worry. Just a nasty cramp like I said. It used to happen with Emy too." She stands up next to me facing the stove, inhaling the scent of delicious morning breakfast. She turns her face to look directly at my breasts. "Why are you naked, though?" She raises one eyebrow.

"Because this is how I like to do things," I say.

"Interesting." She laughs a bit. "Aren't you scared of burning your tits?" She reaches for one breast, giving it a squeeze.

"If you're gonna make this sexual, I'm not gonna show you my tits again unless we're having sex." She laughs more.

"Aww, Teetee." She laughs more. "You know I'm gonna make it sexual. I'm your girlfriend and I'm always horny for you. And seeing your cute tits just bouncing there casually first thing in the morning is all the breakfast I want."

"You're a pig. Instead of thanking me for making you breakfast you're harassing me?" I say, a bit jokingly.

"Did I make you uncomfortable? I was just messing with ya," She steps closer to me and pecks my cheek. "I'm sorry, baby."

"I was kidding too." I smile and kiss her lips. "If it makes you uncomfortable that I'm walking like that, get my T-shirt please."

"No, no, do whatever makes you comfortable. I'll just be sitting here waiting for my food." She flips her hair and winks. Just then we hear a knock on the door, followed by a doorbell ringing and ringing and ringing non-stop. "Or go see who's the fucker ringing the doorbell like that.

First thing I hear is Emy's loud laughter. Something in me told me that's Emy, thinking she's funny ringing the doorbell like that. "It's Emy," Sara shouts from the living room. Before I can make my way to the bedroom to grab a shirt, Emy and Sara are already in the kitchen. "Senseless bitch, we could have been asleep."

"Ya, that's why I rang it like that, to wake you motherfuckers up." Emy turns her head and faces me. Her eyes go wide and her cheeks go red. "Okay...umm."

"It's not like you haven't seen her naked." At first I don't understand Sara, but then I get it, in order to make Emy our bed buddy, we need to introduce her to us this raw.

"You're in a lace underwear and a tank top without a bra and she's topless. Thanks guys, it's like you know I haven't had sex in weeks."

"Emy brought coffee, Tegan."

"Ohhh, nice."

"Yes, I thought I'd see a normal, miserable, tired couple who just moved in but apparently I walked into a kitchen porno."

"Shut the fuck up," I say. "That's how we roll."

"This is so weird." I can sense she's nervous and confused. Honestly, it is weird. The fact that Sara isn't jealous is making me annoyed, just a bit. I don't understand Sara, she loves and wants to share me, how can that be?

But, no, Tegan, no, if it's going to be this way you need to end it. We had a deal, we promised each other if one of us is just a little bit uncomfortable we won't be doing this. I want it as much as Sara wants it. I don't care, I want it.

"Tegan, go cover your tits and I'll take the pancakes out," and then Sara orders me, so I just have to obey because it gives me the comforting sense that I can only take orders from her and nobody else because I want to.

"Yes, sir."

When I get back, I see the table set and Emy is sitting. I sit next to her and Sara sits next to her on the other side. We begin to eat and talk a little bit.

"So basically you had really good floor sex yesterday while I was waiting and I was rudely uninvited." I know Emy's joking, but Sara looks at me and I look at her. We send subtle smirks to each other.

"If you want to join next time, all you have to do is ask," I tell Emy, but she probably thinks I'm just kidding.

"Ya, be nice and invite me." She rolls her eyes jokingly.

"That stupid thing of wearing no underwear isn't helping, just so you know. It only feels weird," I say to Sara. Emy raises her eyebrows and looks at me then her then back at me. "Got the nastiest pad rash, you don't wanna know."

Emy bursts in laughter. "Oh, trust me, I know too well." She wiggles her eyebrows at Sara, who gives her some strange look. "Your girlfriend right here gets that a lot."

"Oh, I see, and I was wondering why she knew a lot."

"Fuck you two," Sara says, eyeing us both with a funny scowl on her face.

"She still gets embarrassed," Emy mumbles to me, as if now she's my girlfriend she shouldn't be embarrassed. Yes, she's way more open than before, but it's Sara, she's always going to be shy somehow.

Sara and I started cleaning the place and putting everything in the boxes where they should be. Emy wanted to stay and help us. She even offered to cook us dinner. Sara told me Emy cooks nicely. And she really does, I loved what she made. Now we three are having a nice and calm evening watching TV and drinking beer. My head on Sara's lap and my feet on Emy's. They're arguing about the woman in the film wanting to have an anonymous donor instead of someone she knows. I'm guessing it's something they've argued about before.

"What would you want, Tegan?" Emy asks me. "Wouldn't you want the father to stay anonymous? Like would you want him interfering in your life and your child's life and your wife's life?"

"Uh..." I begin to speak.

"Or you don't want to have a kid at all," she says again.

"I do," I shout defensively. "I even want to carry."

"You do?" Sara and Emy both say.

"Yes?" My cheeks turn a bit red, I suppose. "What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing." Sara beams at me. "It actually makes me..." She shrugs then continues," I don't know, a bit..." Her face is so red. I think she thinks it's too early for her and I to talk about that, and yes it is, but I don't mind it at all.

"It's normal. I even have my friend set as a donor. I actually want him to be involved."

"Sara wants to carry too," Emy says, as if she's saying it on purpose just to heat up the discussion.

"I do, but I don't care if my partner wanted to carry. Like I want a kid and that's all. In future."

"I don't mind my partner carrying too if she wants. We can always both carry if the conditions were great. Like her first and me second or vice versa," I say.

"Ya," Sara says.

"What about you?" I ask Emy.

"Hell no." She shakes her head. "I ain't going through that. My body, no, just no."

"What if you have to?" Sara asks. "What if your girlfriend wasn't able to bring babies?"

"We've talked about this Sara." She sends Sara a serious look. "Plus, now you don't have to worry about it, you're with Tegan." I hear hints of jealousy in her tone. I know it's jealousy and I give her the space to express this feeling because what Sara and I are doing to her isn't nice. She deserves to be angry, mad, and, jealous. I just don't want to hurt her.

"Anyway, I'll have my opinion about wanting someone I know as a donor and you'll have yours, so let's just not argue," Sara says.

My mum calls me in that minute of pointless debating. I get up and walk to our room in order to talk to her alone. "You saved me." I laugh as soon as I tell her that.

"Tegan, hey, honey." My mum laughs a little bit too.

"Hey, mum."

"Saved you from what?"

"My girlfriend and friend are arguing about silly things," I say. "Anyway, how are you?"

"I'm great. But you, I want to know all about you," she says in a very excited voice.

"Mum, mum, mum," I say even more excitedly, "guess what." I squeal like a little girl. "I fucking moved in with Sara and it feels so good and the apartment is so nice. It's small but it's so nice. I just wanna show it to you and dad, and, like, you'll be so proud of me and you'll like Sara. She's a bit shy, but you'll like her, she's funny and weird at times, kinda like me."

"Whoa, whoa." My mum giggles. "Slow down."

"I'm just so happy."

"Aww, honey. I'm happy for you. I'm so happy. I always knew you could do it. I always relied on you in bad times, remember?"

"Yaaa." I sit on my bed and sigh in content.

"Your dad is even more proud. He's gonna give you one of his companies to run when you graduate."

"He told me." I squeal again.

"You're everything we have. You're my everything. Even when I'm mad at you, I'm happy for you."

"I love you, mum."

"I love you too, Teegles," my mum says. "I just really wanna meet Sara now."

"Aren't you coming to visit?" I bite my lower lip.

I want her to visit to see all of this, to see Sara and see the life I'm living. I want to be that woman who can run and manage everything and it's just the beginning. I want it so soon. I want to be a business woman, someone in control, in charge, someone they fear and not like because I don't care about them.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Your grandma's really sick. She's in the hospital."

"What? Really?" My lips part and my smile fades.

"Yes, her heart isn't that great. The doctors said she'll be making progress soon with the medication. If not, then she needs a surgery. So I have to stay here for a bit." Silence stops us from speaking because I'm thinking about my grandmother and not focusing much on trying to find a reply. "I'm still gonna try my best, though. If she gets just a little bit better I'm gonna visit you. For two days at least."

"Ya. Do that. Stay with her now and tell her I miss her so much."

"I will. Say hi to Sara for me."

"I will."

I say goodbye to my mother and stay in the room for a little bit, just thinking. Yes, more thinking. My grandmother is someone I really do love. My mum was young when she had me, so my grandmother took care of me most of the time when I was a child. She'd tell me stories about my mother, aunt, and uncle when they were young and stories about her and my grandfather. I loved spending my time at their place and loved tasting her mouthwatering homemade dishes. She always told me that I was too precious. She always used this word, she used to tell me,_ "Tegan, you are too precious, don't ever be lost."_ I never understood it and sometimes I still wonder about it. But as I started growing up, getting in trouble, seeing my mother getting in trouble and going through lots of hardships, I began to grasp the idea of not letting myself be lost. It always made me feel too determined to be someone powerful and strong. Even the times I felt lost because of how much I have drunk or how many girls I have slept with, I always woke up the next morning remembering I could fix it. And I did fix it. I didn't let anybody break my heart or any student tease me in junior high. I was always someone they avoided and were careful while dealing with. I was always the one who supported my mother. I was always the one my dad asked for favours he wouldn't ask anybody else to do. And now I'm here in a different city with someone I lost myself to and she's there in a hospital. I wonder if she's proud of me or not. I am still precious because I've lost myself to someone who's precious as well, and if my grandmother sees her, she'll think the same, and I'm sure she'll tell her the same thing.

I leave the room to find Emy in tears and Sara with a pained look on her face. As soon as they see me, Emy hurries wiping her tears. I sit between them and look at both of them, trying to figure it out. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"It's nothing," Emy says.

"That's not nothing."

"Emy, you need to let it out. It's okay, she understands," Sara tells her.

"It's nothing," Emy insists.

"She's just sad. She's...she's unhappy. And it's because of me," Sara says.

"It's not," Emy says.

"What's wrong, Em?" I reach for her hair and stroke it. "I hate to see you sad."

"I just, you know, feel a bit lonely."

"We're here. We're your friends," Sara says.

"We love you, Emy." I hold her head close to my chest, still stroking her hair. "We'll make you happy if you're sad."

"She slept with a girl and it was bad," Sara tells me, shifting closer to me.

"It's just that...I expected too much and she was just, I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe I got used to Sara's touch." I get it. Now I get it.

"Sara's touch is always here when you want it," I whisper, but making sure Sara hears me.

I get only silence, though.

Sara gets up and sits next to Emy on the other side. "Emy, we're girlfriends, yes, but we wouldn't mind having sex with you when you need it and we can or when we need it and you can. If you want to only."

Emy sits up, squinting her eyes and wiping her tears. "What does that mean?"

"It means that Sara and I are more than happy to have you in our bed if you want to. We're more than happy to make you feel good because you're our best friend."

"Isn't that, like, cheating?"

"We're okay with it, we talked about it. If one of us or you were not okay with it we wouldn't do it. But if you want..." Sara pauses.

"We can help you a bit right now," I continue Sara's sentence. I look at her for consent, however, and she nods.

"You'd do that?" I know Emy's confused, but I also know she's happy about it. She wants it even more than we want it. The people she love giving her a happy time, what's there not to want?

"If you want to." Sara smiles warmly at Emy. Emy nods shyly. "What do you want?"

I begin rubbing Emy's bare arms, getting her heated up.

"Rub me and finger me. The really harsh way you do it."

Sara looks up at me and I nod right away. I kiss Emy's cheek and she turns around smiling at me. I kiss her lips and feel that I'm doing something wrong. I open my eyes and watch Sara smiling at us. I'm not sure if it's going to turn into a threesome or not, I'm going to follow Sara's steps.

Sara lifts Emy's top up, Emy raises her arms to help Sara take it off. I move towards her neck and tickle it with kisses. Sara unclasps her bra and lets her breasts fall before me. I take one in my mouth and begin to suck. I start hearing her tiny whimpers as she holds tightly onto my shirt. I squeeze the other breast while closing my eyes. I give her other breast some sucking as well and squeeze the wet one. When I open my eyes I find my girlfriend's hand already inside Emy's pants, doing what she asked her to do. Emy's eyes are closed and her back is arched.

I guess that's why Sara wants to film us having sex. It's so beautiful to see the art you're making on someone in front of you, to be an outsider, to see it from another angle. It's not even porn, it's art, it really is art.

Sara keeps looking at me, her looks are assuring and comforting. Emy's moans rise and her body moves a lot. She's standing on her knees so I have to hold her well so she wouldn't move a lot or fall. She opens her lazy eyes and looks at us both.

"I want," she says softly, "I want you to show me your tits." She's rocking her hips back and forth and biting her lips.

I get rid of my shirt and Sara gets rid of her tank top. Emy places a hand on my breast and a hand on Sara's. She squeezes and giggles.

"You like that?" Sara asks. She nods. "We want to make you less sad, are you less sad now?" Emy screams. I think Sara is doing her really good right now.

I look down at Emy's hips and watch them moving back and forth very quickly. "Yes, yes, yes." I'm not sure if she's hitting her high or answering Sara, but then I get a brutal boob squeeze and realize she's coming.

Emy falls down on our sofa and we both get up. We look at her smiling lazily at us and thanking us. Sara puts on her tank top and puts Emy's sleeveless shirt back on Emy's body.

"You can crash here, Em," I say.

"I'll get you a blanket," Sara says. "And a pillow."

"I love you guys," Emy says. We tell her we love her too. Sara even kisses her forehead.

Sara takes my hand and walks me to our bedroom. She looks at me closely and brushes my hair. She's looking at my face, searching for any sign of regret or discomfort.

"Don't worry," I whisper. "I actually enjoyed that."

"I did too, but I will not allow it again if you have even the tiniest bad feeling about it."

"I swear it felt good. I even feel really horny right now."

"Good." she smiles. "Switch off the light, take off your clothes, and get inside the covers. I'll wash my hand and do you really good." She kisses my lips and walks out, shaking her cute ass from side to side on purpose.

I don't need to be told twice. My pussy is a sea she can plunge in for hours without it getting dry right now. If Emy's going to be the element that makes our relationship sparkle with sexual need and ecstasy, then I'm all up for it. It's better than getting it on while watching porn anyway.


	15. Chapter 15

**Sara**

Everyday is like a fresh new beginning despite the routine. Everyday I wake up to the sound of the running water coming from the bathroom next to our bedroom, or the sound of her feet shuffling near, or to the smell of coffee right beside me waiting for me to drink it. Everyday I get up after her, and it's strange because I was the one who usually woke her up and she's the one who complained about wanting to sleep. Moving in has made her the type of the business woman she likes to be. Her pragmatism is helping us a lot in everything. She wakes me up right on time. I take my turn to shower while she makes something for both of us to eat. We leave together earlier than usual in order to catch the bus and make it on time to university.

This semester we decided to take a class called Art Appreciation together. We basically watch films in class and discuss them afterwards. Sometimes our professor makes us hear classical music and talks about the notes and the musical instruments and such. I am more interested in this subject and wanted to take it since I have enrolled in this university, but everyone always told me that it's too hard for me. Tegan encouraged me to register it.

"It's just an elective. It can't be harder than the nonsense you study, Sara," Tegan said the other day while fixing the drawers of our dresser.

"I don't study nonsense." I glared at her.

Tegan laughed softly. "I didn't mean it that way, baby," she said. "I meant that what you study is possibly the hardest thing and it wouldn't make sense to basic people like me, so it's not really hard to take a class about art when you're already good at that department and have a musical ear."

"Hmm." I folded my arms against my chest while leaning against the dresser, watching her fix what I broke. "Nice save."

She threw her gummy smile at me then opened and closed the drawer with ease. "There ya go."

"Thanks, Teetee."

"Tell you what," Tegan said. "How about I take it with you? I need an elective and I haven't really decided on one yet."

"Really?" I don't know why this thing made me so happy, but it did. "What about the time? I want to take it at nine because I have a gap."

"No problem. I can rearrange my schedule. Don't worry about it."

I knew she was taking a class at nine. I think an accounting class or something like that. But instead she told me she'd take this class with me and she really did.

So everyday we join each other in that class and sit next to each other. It feels amazing to take a class with your girlfriend. It feels so fucking beautiful. I never took any class with Emy. I have no idea why.

Speaking of Emy, everyday we join her for lunch in our break. She still hasn't found a girlfriend, which has made the matters a bit worse...or better. When I go back home and Tegan hurries to her job, Emy comes in to do her homework here. First few times Emy caused Tegan and I to argue after she went home.

"How come she's always here when I come back?" Tegan asked one night while eating her ramen noodles.

"I don't know. She likes it here. I can't just tell her to go," I said. "Plus, she kinda fills the void and emptiness. I get really lonely."

"Are you two sleeping together alone?"

"No. You know we don't do that," I said loudly.

"Why are you so defensive?" Tegan stopped eating. "We fucking agreed to have Emy only on the weekends and when we're both okay with it."

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I told you we're not doing anything. She's my friend. She's your friend. She comes here and does her homework while I'm doing mine and we talk until you come back and that's it," I shouted all these words with frustration. "Thanks for your fucking trust." I left the kitchen with tears streaming down my face. I slammed the door of our room and cried on my pillow.

I know it was melodramatic, but her accusation of me cheating made me very vexed with her. I think she fears it because of her mother's past, or maybe because I've cheated on Emy with her, and most probably because Emy's basically our bed buddy now.

We only had sex with her about three times, however. And it was us who actually gave her orgasms. The last time though, Tegan and I had sex in front of her right after we made her climax. She was on our bed and we were too horny to leave, or tell her to go, or even to think. We just attacked each other with kisses and then we found ourselves fingering each other while Tegan was on top of me. Emy was on her side, watching and rubbing my thigh and Tegan's arm. It was a sensual moment and I liked it even more. Tegan admitted she liked it more too and would like to experience more with Emy. That night happened after the fight, actually.

Tegan came into our room and held me in her arms as she kissed my teary face until I calmed down. She kept apologizing and kissing my face and head. "It's because I love you. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Sasa. It's because I love you, I swear."

"You didn't trust me."

"It's not that. I just, you know, this is, I don't know, like, this is all so new to me. A relationship and this whole Emy thing. It's new to me."

"Do you want us to stop it?" I looked up at her. I wanted to read something on her face, anything; hesitation; rejection; discomfort.

"Hell no." There was none. "No. I'm happy with that. It's refreshing actually."

"It is."

"Do you forgive me?" She smiled at me.

I hummed and she kissed me.

These are our days: Emy, coffee, homework, and a chat before falling asleep. At some nights we have sex instead of the chat, but mostly, our sex is pushed to the weekend when we don't have to wake up very early. That's how we keep it new and different, everyday is basically a different day, even though we do the same things or see the same persons.

Today; however, I wake up not by the sound of the water, or her feet around the house, or her cup of coffee that she made for me; today I am awakened by the sound of her voice on the telephone, raspy; out of breath; choked; cut off with a gasp and a sniffle after each sentence.

At first I think it's just a dream so I close my eyes again and try to get back to sleep, then I hear her cries increasing and becoming louder. I hear her words and I become alert.

"But how? No. I didn't get to see her. I didn't get to tell her goodbye or...or like..." The sentence breaks with a loud cry. "I miss her already. She loved me."

I sit up immediately. My concern coming in waves that are making me queasy.

"She used to tell me not to be lost. I don't even know what she meant by that. I once...I once asked her, mum...I once asked her and she told me that I am precious because I'm here. Like what does that mean?"

It must be her grandmother. She must have died. Oh my God. Poor Teetee, she loved her so much. She was just telling me about her last week. She told me she's very sick.

"I regret not coming. I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid."

I can hear her mother trying to calm her down. I don't even think her mother is half as sad as she is. I don't hear her crying. I can hear her using sensible sentences. Tegan must have really loved her.

"Before I came here she gave me a picture of me when I was a baby. She said to keep it because it's a precious picture and shouldn't be lost. It's like...it's like she knew she's gonna die. It's like she knew I wasn't gonna see her again."

"Just calm down. What picture? Relax...calm down and talk to me. Where's Sara?" her mother asks.

"She's right here. I woke her up." Tegan looks at me. "I woke you up, Sasa. I'm so sorry." She breaks down crying again. "My grandma died this morning."

I walk up to her and hug her while she's still on the phone. I take the phone from her and put it to my own ear. "Hello, Sonia," I say. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, honey," Sonia answers calmly. "Just take care of Tegan for now. She was kinda very attached to her."

I have talked to Sonia only twice before, also on the telephone. Tegan finally made me talk to her after Sonia insisted. She's a very nice woman and her voice resembles Tegan but less raspy. Tegan also showed me a picture of her. It's kind of strange to admit, but she does really resemble me. I suppose some people do look like each other. Tegan was so excited that Sonia was visiting next week, but now I don't think she can anytime soon.

"She spent most of her time with her grandparents when she was very young because I had to go to college and work. She even called her mama," Sonia informs me. I look back at Tegan sitting, with her head in her hands, on our bed crying her heart out. My heart is breaking for her. I want to hold her till she feels better but I honestly don't think she will feel better anytime soon. "She still calls her that," Sonia says again, her voice is breaking.

"I'll take care of her. Don't worry. I'll try to make her feel better."

"Thank you. I'll talk to her again at night."

I don't think I've ever experienced loss. I mean, yes, I don't know who my real parents are, but I have never met them to begin with. I didn't lose anybody. I lost my grandparents but I was very young and I wasn't that close to them. I don't quite understand loss or the feeling that accompanies it. Tegan seems very hurt and it is strange for me to witness. I never thought she'd be so hurt.

Tegan is like that box of surprises, I meet a new side of her each day. She jokes and laughs and be as random as she can with you but when night comes you discover there's something bothering her. At night Tegan cries and hides. At night Tegan talks and reveals what's inside. I am now starting to understand her. When she's too quiet, she's too angry. When she's too talkative, she's too worried. When she's joking; smiling; laughing, she's extremely burned with something. So I guess that's why I never thought she'd be this hurt over her grandmother. She only mentioned her twice, only twice, yes. And she wasn't crying, she was just heavy with sympathy.

Emy comes in after a few hours. It's Saturday, usually the day we invite Emy to spend all day and all night with us. I called her right after I gave some solace to Tegan. Tegan went to shower and so I called Emy filling her in on what happened. So Emy's here now to give some consolation and comfort.

I watch her rub Tegan's back while I make something for Tegan to eat. We didn't have breakfast together and it's past twelve now. "I'm sorry, Tegan," Emy says. "It's gonna be okay, buddy. It's gonna be okay. You have people who love you here too. Sara loves you so much." I turn around and watch my friend hugging my girlfriend. "I love you too."

"Here, Teetee." I put a bowl of cereal in front of Tegan and a cup of tea. "Eat something. You haven't eaten anything."

Tegan sits back in her chair and wipes her silent tears. Her eyes are red and puffy. Her nose is red as well.

"Em, what do you wanna have? I know you don't eat cereal. Want me to make you an omelet?"

"No, thank you." Emy sighs softly. "I already had breakfast." I give her a nod and sit beside Tegan.

"You should eat, Sara," Tegan says with a quiet, dejected voice.

"I already did when you were in the shower." Tegan nodes and eats quietly.

Tegan is much better by night. Emy only stays for a little while and leaves. I know she wouldn't have left if it was just an ordinary Saturday and she knew she'd get some at night. But she decides to leave with an excuse of wanting to work on her graduation project. This is how I know that Emy just wants it for the thrill of it. She doesn't like how quiet we are and how sad Tegan is. Tegan isn't crying anymore, but she's not laughing nor talking either, Tegan's just sitting on the cough, with her head on my lap and her body curled like a fetus, watching Sweet November.

I excuse myself halfway through the film to go shower; I haven't gotten the time to shower this morning because of Tegan's ordeal. I place a kiss on her forehead and ask if she wants anything. Surprisingly, she takes a hold of my face and places a small, weak kiss on my lips. When she does, I feel it, I feel it all; her pain; her sadness; her love; her gratefulness. I feel it through that simple kiss that connects us for the first time this day. It's like my soul belongs to her and through our mouths we are connected. It's like there's a rope that ties us together. It's like there's a special hidden power in our hearts. I wonder if she feels it. I wonder if she can sense it.

My heart, my heart quickened its pace and and my stomach squeezed itself on me with just one kiss. And that's all I can think about in the shower right now. I place my hand beneath my left breast and it's that feeling coming in waves that touches this pumping muscle. I want to know what is this but I'm too afraid to admit it to myself. _She's the one_, it's whispering to me. I've never felt that feeling. But what if it's a false alarm? What if I'm just overwhelmed? _She's the one_. What if she's not? What if everything shatters? _She's the one._

I can't touch an inch of my own skin without getting a strange tingly feeling inside of me. I can't wash a part of my body without getting a vivid, but also a vague, image of us together. _Us together_. In white. On the same mattress. In a house.

I dreamed about this. Yes, I dreamed about it. Or is it Déjà vu? No, I'm pretty sure it was a dream. We're together, in a house, a big house. Not this one. It was a big house, just like this image I've gotten. So beautiful. Very nice.

I walk into the room and find her on the mattress, staring at something I can't see because of her bent knees. She looks up when she sees me. She smiles immediately. I smile back.

"Good shower?" Tegan asks.

I sigh in content, sending a lazy smile her way. I throw my towel on the mattress and she catches it.

"You took too long. I was gonna check on you." I put on my red panties while looking at her. She seems better. "What were you doing in there?"

"It took me some time to shave." I put on my pajamas and stretch as I yawn. "Haven't shaved in awhile." She snorts a bit. "You're feeling much better."

"I am," she whispers. "Oh, it's mum," she says before I even hear her phone buzzing. She stands up quickly. "I'll just talk to her in the living room." When she reaches the door, she stops, turns around, then says, "You know, I...I don't want to break down again..."

"Tegan," I say, "go talk to your mum and don't explain. It's okay, baby. It's okay." I nod for comfort and assurance. She nodes as well and closes the door when she leaves.

I throw my towel on one of the two chairs we have in the room. I yawn again and push the bed cover in order to get inside it. I spot something where Tegan was sitting. It's a picture, it's flipped. I think that's what she was looking at. I take a hold of it and turn it around. It's my picture. My picture when I was a just a month old. I don't know how Tegan found it and why was she looking at it.

I think I hid it in my sex toys box. Oh yes, I did hide it there. Tegan did look there. Maybe she wanted to have sex? That would explain her remarks when I left the bathroom.

I look at the picture again. It's the only picture I have of me before my parents took a hold of me. It's the only picture that's a memory of whom I don't remember, my birth parents. I'm a small infant with chubby cheeks, dressed in white, with saliva trailing down the corners of lips. My mum told me that there was a letter with the picture and it was lost. She said that it was written that the picture was taken a month before they handed me to my parents, and I was a month old when the picture got taken. That's how my parents summed up the age to be only two months old. My mum said that there was no name, and of course they gave me the name themselves. My dad always wanted a Sara. _Sara's good, Sara's nice_, he told my mum. My mum chose Joy's name. I remember it. She said that it's the Joy she had always waited to receive. That's why I went into a hardcore jealousy phase till Joy was about three years old. I know my mum didn't mean it that way, but it was horrible to hear, especially that I don't know my real parents.

I place the picture on Tegan's nightstand and move to my side. I yawn for awhile until I close my eyes. I just can't fall asleep with her not asleep beside me. I've gotten used to the feeling of her heated body next to mine.

Tegan sweats a lot. Whenever she sleeps she perspires. And now I am used to wake up to her damp forehead on my chest, or with my head on her sweaty chest. When we have sex, Tegan glows with the heat. It is a wonderful image to watch a bit of perspiration trailing down the valley between her breasts. In the past I would have been repulsed, now it looks beautiful and artistic to my eyes.

Tegan comes in with redness in her eyes like that of the sky during sunset. She sniffles and wipes the remnants of tears. I look up at her and she chuckles. "Kinda lost it again," she says. "I guess I'm not as tough as I thought I am."

I hold her heated flesh as soon as she rests beside me on the mattress. I kiss her cheek and the corner of her lips. "You lost someone. Of course you're gonna need time to cry. That doesn't mean you're weak or anything," I whisper gently.

She gives me a crooked smile and sighs onto my neck. "I feel like you were specially made to make my life a bit better," Tegan says. "I feel like, maybe, you weren't ever born, alright? Like, you know Dawn in Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"

"I'm not sure I know what that is," I say.

"It's like one of my favourite shows."

"It has vampire and slayer in the title, I wouldn't have guessed," I tease her with my words and finally get a sweet little Tegan giggle. The giggle I was waiting for.

"Anyway," Tegan says, "like you're this ball of energy and then someone who is, like, in charge of this world was like: oh, Tegan is a sad little puppy who thinks love is a myth and people are dicks. I'm gonna make this ball of energy as a Sara and send it to Tegan so she can feel better in bad days and be happier as a person."

She's so beautiful at nights. She's so raw, so fervent and frank. When she speaks she makes me want to listen for hours and not close an eye. Even if she's saying something that does not make sense; even if she's joking; even if she's crying; even if she's expressing intense emotions she would never reveal in the daylight, she can still catch all my attention and make me love her even more.

"Sometimes I think you're the one sent for me. I feel things for you I never thought I'd feel." It's my turn to project these emotions.

"Me too," Tegan says ardently. "I'm telling you, it's like you're only made for me." She pauses. "I'm not scaring you, am I?" she says.

"No, no," I say quickly. "I was just thinking about how much I really wanna make love to you right now."

"Oh."

"Yeah," I say. "But I won't," I add. "It's not the right time, I know that. So let's just cuddle and sleep." I place a kiss on her forehead.

"Yeah. I mean, I just want to relax. I feel like my body is exhausted."

Maybe she wanted sex before, but I suppose after that phone call she's feeling emotionally exposed. I just forget about everything else and cuddle with her till we fall asleep.

**...**

Tegan throws the news at me that she is going back to Calgary for her grandmother's funeral. The funeral is on Wednesday. Tegan wants to fly the same day, which means she'll miss three days of university and will have to leave her job for three days. It also means she'll leave me. I quarrel with her about this sudden decision, which makes me feel stupid because I sound selfish yelling at her for just not telling me.

"I didn't just decide last week. Don't you fucking get it? I just decided. Of course I'll have to ask my professors and find someone that can take my shifts at work before I tell you."

"And of course I'm the last to know." I'm crying like an idiot, because that's what I do in this relationship: cry, whine, shout, and break things that she only can fix.

"Because I had to make sure before I fucking told you," Tegan shouts very loudly. I take a step to the back and she says again with the same anger in her tone, "I didn't even book the fucking flight. I didn't tell my fucking mother. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Don't yell at me like that," I shout with the exact same tone and anger.

"I swear you have issues. There's something wrong with you. Yes, there's something in your brain or something." I start to cry in the kitchen. "Why are you crying? Why are you fucking crying? You're the one who made this big deal about me wanting to go to my fucking dead grandmother's funeral. You're making no sense."

Maybe she's right. Maybe I don't make sense. Maybe I reacted. Maybe, maybe, and maybe. But I want to cry. I want it. I just feel like crying and I want to do it.

"You can't tell me I have something in my brain and not expect me to cry."

Her frustration rises that she kicks one of the chairs and it falls at my feet. I screech, taking another step back. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm fucking sorry. See? I know when I make a mistake. I fucking apologize. I'm sorry." I know she's not though.

I end the night perfectly by throwing her pillow and a blanket at her before she can enter the room. I close the door in her face and lock it then continue my crying on my bed. And of course since she's nowhere beside me, I can't fall asleep at all. How am I going to spend four long nights alone till she's back sleeping on this mattress? How am I going to spend it in this place alone? I already get lonely when she's at work, how am I going to spend it all here alone? I got so used to her. I need her next to me and I can't do most things without her. She's the one who does everything. She fixes what's broken, she makes the necessary phone calls, she's in charge of the bills, she wakes me up, she helps me study, she does everything. I just go get our groceries, clean the house, and sometimes cook if she hasn't already done that. I can't just rely on my person without her. I'm incapable of that. But I can't tell her that and I can't admit it to her even if she already knows it. Therefore, I make another decision and rush out of the room with my hair down, barefoot, and half clothed.

I see Tegan's narrowed eyes focused on the animated film on the television. I walk up to her and she averts her gaze to look up at me, still with the same squinting eyes. "Tegan," I say softly as I kneel down to be at her level while she lies down on the couch. "I'm sorry." Tegan nods. "I wanna come with you," I say again.

"What?"

"I wanna come with you. I wanna be with you at your grandmother's funeral." When she doesn't say anything, I say, "Please, Tegan. I want to. You came with me. I wanna come with you."

"What gave you that idea?" she asks.

"I thought about it. I want to be there. I want to support you. I also want to meet your family." I pout at her, hoping she'll soften up a bit.

"You also don't want to be here alone."

"Maybe." I shrug. She knows me. "But that's not the only reason, I swear."

"It's not healthy how dependent on others you are." She sits up. "First on your parents, then on Emy, and now on me."

"Tegan," I whine. "Don't make me cry. I don't want to cry and argue. That's who I am. I am like that. I am clingy and annoying and stupid and I don't..." I stop being able to continue what I'm saying and break down with loud sobs and heavy tears.

"No, no, no. I didn't mean that." She takes my face and kisses my head. "Sara, I didn't mean that. You're not stupid and you know that. You're not clingy. I love your company. I also do want you to come with me. I love you like that. Calm down, babe." When I don't stop crying, she sighs and picks me up to the bedroom. She places me gently on our mattress and walks out again only to come back a moment later with her pillow in hand. "You've been in an awful mood the whole day." She sighs again.

"I'm sorry about today," I say with my crying, pathetic voice.

"It's okay. You've already apologized," Tegan says. "Let's sleep now. I'll book two tickets tomorrow."

"So it's okay to come with you?"

"Yes. I already told you I want you to come with me. You won't miss too much, will you?"

"I'll talk to my professors tomorrow." I finally stop crying and yawn.

We don't cuddle when we fall asleep, but I can still feel her body next to mine and hear her soft breathing, so I feel much better and more safe than before.

**...**

"So she threw the chair at you?" Emy gasps.

I look back at her seated form. She's drinking coffee, sitting at the kitchen table. I'm washing this morning's breakfast dishes while Tegan showers. "She didn't throw it at me. It fell at me. It didn't hurt me. Like, it fell at my feet."

"This is not the first time she's done something like that. She hit you many times before."

"But I hit her too. We used to fight for a reason," I say.

"No," Emy says. "You said it yourself, remember? You said when she began she couldn't stop. I saw how bruised you were that morning."

"Emy," I say a bit louder than the tone we were speaking in, "Tegan's not abusive."

"She's my friend too but I know when there's something that needs to be known. I spend time with her too. I can tell."

I turn around and look at her with sharpness in my eyes. "We all have our bad traits, Emy. That's how life is. She likes dominance, so what? It's hot in bed. Don't you like it too when I am like that with you?" I turn back looking at the dishes again.

I know Tegan loves me and I know she's not abusive. I hit her too and I'm the first person who did that. We don't do that to each other anymore. Last night's situation was just her anger taking the best of her. She apologized and she didn't mean to throw that chair at me, it just fell at my feet. Emy's just jealous probably, trying to make me suspect Tegan or be unnecessarily cautious.

"That's not just a bad trait. That's something bad and needs to be stopped," Emy says. "And, Sara," she adds, "you can't hurt an insect even if you tried. In bed it's different. In bed you took care of me after what you did and I wanted it and asked you for it. But Tegan really does take it to a whole new level. I can see it when we all sleep together."

"Emy," I say through gritted teeth. "She never hurt me at all since we've been dating. Close the damn subject because she could be eavesdropping right now."

"See? Now that's a bad trait that we all know she has. Being violent and abusive is just something that needs to be dealt with."

I close the tap and sigh. I walk out of the kitchen to see if she's standing there. I make sure the water is still running in the shower and get back to Emy, sitting in front of her. "If I notice anything, I'll tell you, alright?" Emy nodes. "Now," I say, "you're going to come here each day to water the plants because Tegan spent a lot of time making them look this pretty." Emy nodes again. "Make sure you'll lock the door after you leave."

"Alright," Emy says. "One question, is it okay if I sleep with someone else?"

"Uh, ya?" I chuckle. "We're not dating you. You can sleep with whoever you want," I say. "But make sure it's someone that doesn't have any STD or something, alright?" Emy rolls her eyes. "Actually, you better go get a physical right after you sleep with whoever you're sleeping with, I don't want you transmitting any diseases to Tegan and I."

"I'm not gonna go fuck a prostitute, Sara." She glares at me.

"Being safe is better than being sorry," I say.

**...**

Emy drives us to the airport the next day at six in the morning. The flight is at eight. We spend the hour and twenty-five minutes not saying anything to each other. She only tells me her dad is the one waiting for us when we land in Calgary. The last time I've been there when I was thirteen. I had to go with mum for her aunt's funeral. I know that my parents lived in Calgary when I was an infant. Actually, my grandmother found me at her doorstep in Toronto, but my mum and dad lived in Calgary so I was taken there till my parents moved out when I was two. I suppose I am from Toronto, but then again Jane made sure I'm not from there. At least that's what the hospitals records said. I wonder where was I born.

"That's dad," Tegan shouts excitedly. It makes a few heads turn towards us. She runs to him and gives him a very good hug. It makes me smile.

Her dad's reaction when he finally looks at me isn't really a good one. I'm not really sure. I mean, he's just staring at me without saying one word. My heart starts beating, thinking maybe there's something on my face or in my hair or there's a bee on my head or anything.

"She looks kinda like mum, I know." Tegan laughs. "Don't scare her, dad."

"Oh, uh, sorry." Her dad chuckles. "She does look like Sonia. Like when she was a teen. It really did scare me."

"Thanks, dad. I'll make sure to remember that whenever I'm sleeping with her." Tegan smiles awkwardly. My eyes widen and my cheeks flush instantly. I want to hide my face or dig a hole and hide in it.

Her dad laughs then says, "I'm sorry. I'm Stephen. Nice to meet you, Sara." He stretches his arm and I shake his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Quin."

Her dad's reaction is on one hand a bit awkward for me, her mum's reaction on the other hand, now that's a fucking frightened reaction. Her mum screams. She literally screams a bit when she sees me. She keeps looking at me closely then distancing her face from mine. She blinks a few times then looks at Stephen with dilated orbs. His face is so red and hers is so pale. It's like they've seen a ghost.

I don't even look that much like her.

"Now she probably thinks I have psycho parents. Thank you very much," Tegan says, glaring at both her parents.

I kind of feel bad for Tegan. She's literally sleeping with someone that looks like her mother. I wonder if it bothers her. I wonder if she has some Oedipus Complex type of feelings.

And look at me applying my stupid studies to our relationship. Yup, we're gonna get real far with this.

"Oh my God," her mum finally says, placing her hand above her chest. "I'm so sorry, Sara."

"It's okay," I whisper.

"No, it's not, sweetie. You just kinda reminded me of myself when I was a bit younger." Tegan facepalms again. "I'm sorry, Teegles." Her mum laughs. "I don't want to make that awkward for you. It's just, you know..."

"Okay, mum," Tegan says. "Thanks for the warm welcome and everything. Me and Sara are going to rest a bit in my bedroom. I'm pretty sure she wants some time to get over this trauma you just caused her."

"Alright," Sonia says. "I'm sorry again, Sara. Rest for now and we'll get to talk later."

"Ya, ya," Tegan says. "I want food, okay? Like good yummy food. We both suck at cooking," Tegan shouts while holding my hand, dragging me upstairs.

Her mother's house is very cozy and beautiful. It's all furnished and there's no inch left without something in it. Her mother has lots of books and a large bookshelf. I'm intrigued to go and search there and find something to read. I don't think I'll be able to finish anything in just five days, but I will fulfill my time if I get the chance.

Tegan's room is the first room down the hall. Tegan tells me the room right next to hers is a bathroom. Her mother's bedroom is at the end of the hall. There's also another room opposite to Tegan's, it's the guests room. This house isn't as big as my parents', but I think I like it more. And I also like how it's full of things and seems messy from afar but it's actually pretty neat and artistic. I like how it's full of colours, unlike the grey and white theme my parents have for their house. I like that there's a very small garden outside with plants like the ones Tegan is growing in our apartment. I also like that there's a cedar swing that only fits two persons and a half in there.

When I get inside, Tegan closes and locks her door right away. She sighs loudly and turns me around before I can sit on her mattress. "I'm so sorry about all that."

I give her half a smile. "It's okay. They're not worse than my parents."

"I mean, that was just weird." She sighs again.

Her room is also full of many things. There's a damn basketball hoop on her door. There's a computer. Of course there's a Spongebob poster right next to the New Kids on the Block poster. There's also a poster of Joan Jett in a sheer black shirt, with nothing under it. Tegan smirks when she sees me eyeing that poster in particular. "Oh, yes," Tegan says, "when my grandmother first entered my room after I have put this poster up, she made me read some bible verses that I have no idea what they mean till now." I turn around looking at her with a raised eyebrow. "She's very religious," Tegan says. "And I wasn't out by then. I was fourteen."

"I had this poster of Demi Moore on the beach with this red, I don't know, nightgown or a dress up on my wall. And, like, the dress thingy is stuck on her body and her hair is wet and she's looking so fucking hot. And like her boobs looked so good in it. But then my mum made me take it off before I went to college because Joy was growing up and that poster was apparently too sexual and I was objectifying women by putting it up." I take a long breath after I finish my sentence. "I guess she's right."

"You know," Tegan says, putting her fingers through my hair, "if I could paint you like one of my French girls and put your painting up in our place, I'd do it. I'd paint you so well. I'd make sure to paint every detail on your body. Anyone who'll come to our house will feel very jealous of me having you." She kisses my lips.

"You're objectifying me again," I say lowly after I pull away.

"I just really think you have a beautiful body," she says. I give a nod and smile. "Hey, Sare?"

"Yes?"

"I think, maybe, it's time for a haircut?" She bites her lower lip, playing with a ponytail she has made with my hair using her thumb and index. "You know, I just really don't want to see my mum when I look at you while sucking your tits. That's just really...ya."

"Okay." I laugh. "I was thinking of getting one."

"Me too," she says.

"Why? I like your bangs." I mess up her little grown out chopped bangs.

"So now you do?"

"Yup." I give her a sincere smile.

Tegan and her grandfather are the ones who cry the most in the funeral. Her mum, aunt, and uncle are very strong and barely shed any tears. Maybe Tegan is actually a very sensitive girl after all. I am very sensitive, but I didn't think Tegan is. And her grandfather is so adorable. He's so sad. I bet he loved her grandmother so much. I wish I can have that love. I wonder if Tegan will cry like that after I die if we actually stay together this long. I hope she doesn't die before me. I'd die if she did.

Why am I thinking about that?

Jeremy's here. He's very funny and sarcastic and shouldn't be in this funeral because he won't stop mocking Tegan's crying.

"Look, look," Jeremy says. "She's gonna wipe her snot with the back of her hand now." I look up at my girlfriend and see exactly what Jeremy has just said. I wrinkle my nose. "She's gonna brush her hair with that same hand." And of course, Tegan does that. "And now she's gonna rub her eyes and then wipes her hand on her clothes." Tegan does exactly that. "Enjoy the germs."

"I'll make sure she showers," I whisper. Tegan is sitting in the front with her mother and father and I'm sitting with Jeremy and a bunch of friends.

"The only thing that will get her out of this mood is some weird cartoon and a bucket of ice cream," Jeremy says again. "Or sex."

"Umm, good to know."

Her entire family have similar, but less dramatic, reactions when they see me. Her aunt won't stop whispering in her mother's ear while looking at me. That's the most annoying part of the day. Tegan's cousins are very nice and sociable. Stephen's girlfriend looks like a porn star. I don't see Sonia's boyfriend, and by night I learn that Sonia has broken up with him.

"Where was your boyfriend?" Tegan asks when we're back from her grandparents' place.

"Oh," Sonia says with a chuckle. "We broke up." Sonia's drinking wine and we're eating ice cream while sitting in the living room.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Tegan's jaw drops. "Again?"

"Actually," Sonia says, "I called it off."

"Interesting," Tegan says.

"It was just eh. Like, there was no spark." Sonia sighs. "I guess I'm just too old to love now."

"You're thirty eight. Your friends are just getting married now."

"Well, that's different." Sonia looks at me. "I basically had you when I was Sara's age and was going through a divorce. My friends didn't go through that."

Imagine me having children at this age? Holy shit, that would be funny, I'm a children myself. Like a whole package of them. Not only one child. Like there's nice, sweet Sara. There's moody, bitchy Sara. There's crying, whiny Sara. And there's fierce, dominant Sara. There are quadruplets of little Saras living in my person and I cannot even handle one of them.

"So, Sara," Sonia says, making me snap out of my thoughts, "you were born in Calgary?"

"Yeah."

"Not in Toronto?" Sonia asks.

"Nope. We moved there when I was just two."

Sonia hums and asks after a second, "You were born in September, 1980?"

"The eighth of September, yes."

"Two days before me, mum," Tegan says excitedly. Sonia smiles and nodes.

Sonia continues asking me many questions about my family, my dad's job, my mum's family, and more. I thought my parents were noisy and curious but this woman takes the prize. I think Tegan senses my irritation when she tells her mum we're going to sleep, interrupting her from getting another answer from me. I guess she's just a protective mum and wants her daughter to be with someone good. Maybe me being in university at this age makes her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she thinks I'm a bad influence on Tegan.

"I'm so sorry about that," Tegan says as soon as she switches off the lights and gets with me in bed. "I don't know what's wrong with her. She never interfered nor cared."

"Maybe she thinks I'm a bad influence since I'm still at college?"

"Mum?" Tegan laughs. "Hell, no. She didn't go to school because she was pregnant with me and didn't even care about it till later."

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"There's no _personal_ between us. You can ask anything."

"Are you a mistake?" I ask. "I mean, were you made because they wanted a child or an oops situation?"

"I actually wondered about that and asked them. They both said they wanted me and knew they were very young but they were very excited to have a baby. Plus, they got married before I was even conceived." Tegan takes my hand and holds it. "Why are you asking? You think you're a mistake?"

"I'm pretty sure I am." I chuckle. "Or else I wouldn't have ended up on another person's door."

"Not necessarily," Tegan says and squeezes my hand. "Maybe your parents were very poor. Maybe they died. Maybe they had no other choice but to leave you there."

"I guess you're right." I sigh. "Was your grandma okay with you being gay? You know, you said she's very religious."

"I said religious not hateful." Tegan snorts a bit. She turns around to sleep on her side and faces me. "I was scared of telling her the most. I didn't care about my mum. But mama's opinion is what I cared about mostly. I made my mum tell her and I hid away from her. She kept calling my name, looking for me. When she found me I started crying. She hugged me and kissed my forehead and told me all those sweet things about loving me no matter who I am. You know, the same situation with your parents."

"Aww." I cuddle up to her, burying my face in her neck. "She's sweet."

"Yes, she was."

In the morning, after breakfast, Tegan leaves me alone to go to the bathroom with the giant bookshelf in the living room tempting me to go and fish anything out of it. And so I pace to the bookshelf and look at the different books in there. Sonia passes by and smiles at me.

"You can take any book you want, Sara," Sonia says. "You like to read?"

"Yes. I love to read novels."

"Oh, it's actually full of psychology books. Thought maybe you'd benefit from them. But there are some novels, mostly very old ones."

"I like the classics," I say. "And thanks." I smile at her before she goes back to the kitchen.

I actually pick a psychology book to read whilst Tegan in the shower. The book interests me because it's talking about children who are raised without their biological parents and how it affects their personality and relationships later in life. I'm not usually attracted to scientific information, but this one caught my attention somehow. When I open it, I find many notes written in each page. Sonia has highlighted some things and has written some notes. She's a smart woman. A very smart woman. She has her own clinic now and is able to financially aid herself. Tegan told me that Sonia worked as a counselor in schools until she gathered some money to start her own project.

I lose the time in reading until I hear sounds coming from the kitchen. I try to focus on the words in my book until the words from outside the living room pull me in and make me want to listen, even though I know that's wrong.

"How am I going to know?" Sonia asks.

"You have to find out." I guess that's Stephen's voice. I guess he came while I was reading.

"I can't find out anything. My mother is the only one who knows every detail."

"Why did you let her? Why didn't you ask her? It's been how many years? Too many years. You should have asked and checked."

"Asked and checked?" Sonia's tone rises. "She told me she died. You were there. She told us both."

"I never believed that," Stephen says.

"And what am I going to do about it? There's nothing I can do. Now mum's dead and there's just nothing I can do."

I try my best to focus on the words in front of me but I just can't. I have no idea what they're talking about and it probably doesn't concern me but I just listen because their voices are close to me.

"I'm pretty sure it's just some coincidence. Plus, I asked many questions. I made sure," Sonia says again.

"Sara?" I hear Tegan shouting from upstairs.

"Yes?" I shout back. Suddenly, I stop hearing the voices.

"Can you come up here for a minute?"

"Sure." When I leave the living room, I find both Sonia and Stephen standing there at the kitchen door, both looking at me with their mysterious eyes. I smile politely and go up. I find Tegan's head popping out of the bathroom's door with her hair wet and dripping. "What do you want?"

"Can you come inside?"

"Tegan, no," I say. "Your parents just gave me the weirdest look while I was coming here."

"My dad's here?"

"Yes."

"I just want you to help me with the piercing."

"What did you do now?" I huff, pushing her body inside and closing the door behind.

"Nothing. I just want you to put it back. I didn't put it back since last week." Last week I removed her piercing again because I wanted to suck on her breasts during sex.

"You still haven't put it back?"

"Well, apparently not." She points at her breasts. "That's what I just said."

I haven't seen her body since last Friday, and that's not good because now I'm getting seriously turned on and there's no way I am having sex in this small house with her curious parents around.

"Okay, come here." She walks up to me and I hold her hip to stop her where she is. "Give me the first one." She hands me the tapered barbell and takes a deep breath. "Tegan?" I say after I take a close look at her nipple. "I think it's closed."

"What?" she yells. "No. It can't be closed."

"I really think it is. Or maybe the hole shrunk down because it's been a week."

"Taper it back in. I don't know, just do it. Please. Just push it. I'm sure it will open again." She's beginning to panic. Her legs are shaking and her face is worried.

I place my hand over her briefs-clad hip to stop her movement. "Sit on the counter." I motion at the cabinet's countertop in her bathroom. "Did you clean your nipples with sea salt and water?"

"Of course I did. And very well."

"Uh, hold your breast and, like, pull it up." She does what I tell her without any hint of discomfort or bashfulness. "Put up with the pain."

"Be gentle, please."

"We can lube it or something?"

"No. Just try right now. I'm pretty sure it will open. It was open last night."

I take her word and put my hand above hers. She pushes my hand and places one finger above her nipple and one below it, making it easier for me to focus my attention on the nipple itself. She takes a breath when I push the taper slowly through the almost nonexistent hole. She starts squealing and wriggling the more I push, which isn't helping at all.

"Should I stop?" I ask.

"No, no. I can feel it in. Push harder."

"If your mum's standing outside she'll probably think we're doing another thing." I try to ease the pain by talking, but it's not working. She's crying now with her eyes tightly shut. I have no idea why she wants to do that to herself.

By the time the first jewel is in its place again, Tegan has managed to bite my shoulder because of how painful the process was. The fact that there's the other nipple that I'll have to hurt again makes me really upset.

"The second one." Tegan sighs, wiping the sweat off her brow. "I'm never removing it again for your tits fetish."

"I will kill you myself if you do."

Thankfully, the second jewel goes in very easily, without the tears nor the squirming and biting. I suppose her left piercing took time because it's the one she injured once and the one that's always hurting her.

And thankfully, her mum isn't outside listening to us. She doesn't even question us nor look weirdly at us when we come down again.

Her mother is nice. Her father is too. I would love spending more time in her house in circumstances better than this. Five days aren't enough, unlike what I have thought. That psychology book is the only thing I read while I am there because Tegan spends the following days taking me to different places in the city.

She shows me her old high school. She takes me to her favourite coffee shop and buys me coffee. She also takes me to the movies on the weekend. We actually have a date. I never realized that we never had a date until I'm with her alone, watching a film I got to choose. I know it's boring for her to watch drama, but she's nice enough to let me pick the movie. She's also cute enough to make out with me in the making out scene.

But we never have sex in these four nights we stay there. Her mother is that person who stays up all night, watching soap operas or chatting. So we usually drink with her mum and chat until all three of us start falling asleep on the sofa. We all go to bed then and sleep till the next morning.

Her mother is also a very good cook. She likes coffee so much, just like me. We discuss some stuff in psychology and she tells me about that paper she once had to edit and how much she really liked my thoughts. Nobody ever likes my thoughts. Even Tegan made fun of the incestuous ideas I have put in there. But Sonia encourages me to write more papers like these and post them online.

Tegan becomes curious and probably feels left out and asks me to read _Moll Flanders_ and _Oedipus Rex_. I tell her I'll give her my copies when we're back. Sonia gives me a novel called _Sons and Lovers_. She tells me this novel is her favourite and that when she wrote a paper on it in college she got a very bad mark for her obscene suggestions and remarks.

"This thing happens. It exists," Sonia says, "Love between two related people. It happens and it is there. Why suppress it? Why deny it? Why reject the facts?" I can see that Tegan is very disturbed by our conversation, she's sitting there with her head back and her eyes wide open. "I know it's illegal and probably disgusting to everyone, but from what I have seen these years, I know that some love between two siblings, for example, can be better and stronger than the love between any other two strangers."


	16. Chapter 16

**Trigger Warning: Violence, abuse, and drugs are mentioned. Also, the names of places I mention are all fictional so I'm not sure if these exist anywhere in the world or not so yup.**

* * *

**Tegan**

"Oh my God. Why did you do that?" Emy screams as soon as I enter the kitchen, yawning and rubbing my eyes. I squint my sleepy eyes at her then look at my girlfriend standing in the corner with her coffee cup in her hand, sipping it and smirking. "You two," Emy says again, "you look like fucking sisters."

"Oh my God, no," we both say at the same time.

"Shut the fuck up," I say and then yawn again. "You should be complimenting me, bitch." I take my seat at the kitchen table, throw my head on it and yawn once again, covering my eyes with my hands. "I want food," I say.

"Obviously you look good. I liked it on Sara before, but you guys," Emy says, "you really do look alike right now. Did you even look at yourselves in the mirror?"

"I didn't make her do it, she did it. I was just like, okay, well, nice haircut you got there," Sara says.

The only reason I got the same haircut as Sara is because I really like the mullet on her. Actually, everybody does. For the past month, I have been hearing random strangers complimenting her on her hair. It's a mullet, who the freaking fuck likes mullets anymore? But Sara looks fucking hot in it. And Sara got asked out twice...in front of me. I felt jealous, maybe, yes. I did. I also wanted to see how it will look on me. And also wanted to let them know she's _my_ girlfriend. But everybody thinks we're just friends and she's still dating Emy. I don't get it. Emy says they think we three are all good friends and not dating each other. Maybe it's because we hang out with Emy separately most of the time.

To be honest, Emy's nice and understanding. She can see things. She can tell us what to do. Two weeks ago Sara and I had a heated argument about her doing all the housework and me doing nothing. I was very angry. I do everything, not nothing. Yes, she cleans, she cooks, she buys the groceries, she does the laundry, but I also study and work hard and pay bills and have a freaking job. It's not easy to do all these together. I've been drowning in my midterms and I was stressed so I yelled at her and said very mean things to her. Emy talked to me aside. I didn't like the fact she told Emy about the fight at first, but I know by now that she tells Emy everything and I can't change that, she's her best friend. Emy made me calm down and see everything in Sara's perspective. I didn't know that Sara feels useless and helpless. Sara also gets bored alone until I return from work. Emy can barely keep her company anymore because she's studying hard as well, she's a graduate. Emy made me apologize to Sara and make up with her.

Anyway, I mainly got the haircut because I like it on Sara and I want everyone to connect me to her when they see us together. I don't want it to be Sara and Emy and that freshman. No, I want it to be Sara and Tegan and Sara's ex. Yes, that's how I want it to be.

"I want fooooood," I whine as I can hear my stomach growls. Sara pushes a bowl of cereal in front of me and joins us on the table.

"How are you feeling today, Teetee?" She rubs my back soothingly after I sit up.

"Why? What's wrong with her?" Emy asks before I get the chance to speak.

"She took double her shift yesterday and came back very late and was very tired," Sara answers, still giving the best back rubs ever. Her hands are amazing. I am in love with her hands and all of her. God, she's so fucking sweet.

I smile at Sara and wink while Emy's not staring at us. I see my girlfriend blush as she smiles back. "I'm feeling much better," I say.

I was very tired and moody last night. My feet hurt so much from standing and my head was pounding. Sara was very sweet and caring; she rubbed my feet after I showered and made me sleep on her lap as I watched a film in the living room. I woke up after a few hours and found her asleep while sitting and the TV was still on. I woke her up and we went to bed and cuddled. We haven't cuddled for quite awhile. When these cute moments happen I cherish and appreciate them even more because I'd be missing them and needing them.

"Okay, so what are you guys doing tonight?" Emy asks.

"I'm taking Sara out. It's been awhile since we went out on a date," I answer very quickly, looking at Emy. She nods while pursing her lips.

It's Saturday, and it's the day Emy usually spends with us till the next morning. It's been forever since Emy joined us in bed. She's been busy and we've been very busy as well. We haven't even had sex since a week ago. And we didn't have any reason not to sleep together, but we've been tired and college has been hectic. Tonight I want to take Sara out on a fun little date and then sleep with her. I don't want something romantic or anything, I just want a calm evening. I just want to be alone with my girlfriend.

"Really?" Sara's teeth show as she smiles widely. "You're taking me on a date?" She's very excited and it's very cute to watch.

"Oh, yes." I laugh a little.

"Oh my God, yes," Sara says enthusiastically. "I miss going out with you." She hugs my side and kisses my cheek. From the corner of my eyes I can see Emy smiling weakly while looking down at the table. She's not looking at us but smiling. I'm not sure what that means but it breaks my heart just a little bit. I expected to see her with a bitter, mean look on her face, but she's smiling and her eyes are twinkling.

**...**

Since ever Joy has turned 11, it's like some hormonal, annoying monster has taken over her body and brain. She's been calling Sara each day whining about school and their parents. Whenever I enter our room, I see Sara video chatting with Joy. Sara would look at me for help and I would try to take her place to reason with the little girl. I don't remember being that annoying when I was her age. I was just..._a little girl_. And Sara was too, probably.

Now I enter my room to get dressed and find Sara walking around, getting dressed and talking. At first I assume she's talking to herself, then I see the laptop on the bed and hear her huffing and hear the sound of annoying teenage frustration. Sara, buttoning her shirt, looks up at me with pleading eyes to take her place and I sigh, moving in front of the screen.

"I was talking to Sara," Joy says as soon as she sees me.

"We're getting dressed. We're going out," I say.

"I think my social life is more important than you going out."

"Don't be a bitch, Joy," Sara says from across the room. She's taking off her pajama pants to wear her jeans.

"What happened to you all of a sudden? We left you four months ago and you were this sweet little girl who didn't say these mean things." Joy rolls her eyes at me. "Your name should not be Joy it should be Bitterness."

"Tegan," Sara mouths.

"What?" I shrug.

"You are a bitch," Joy says. "Sara, you're dating a bitch."

"I'm not," I say. I hear Jessica calling Joy from afar. "Your mum wants you, now go."

"Joy, we'll talk later. I promise you. I know mum and dad can be so annoying and they seem as if all they want to do is destroy your social life but they're caring and they love you and want you to be safe."

"Ugh, fuck off." And then Joy closes the chat, leaving Sara and I dumbfounded staring at a black screen.

"Okay, what the fuck has happened to her? She was playing Lego less than four months ago."

"Puberty happened," Sara says while combing her hair. "And a bunch of very _cool_ kids that she wants to hang out with but mum and dad aren't letting her because dad saw one of these boys smoking with a girl while grabbing her in _places a boy should never grab a girl_...that's what dad said to her." I begin taking off my pajamas while laughing.

"Ahhh, the smell of teenage rebellion. I was there once. I just didn't have an old daddy to care."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure my dad is exaggerating." I hum as I look in the closet. What to wear? What to wear? "I think this generation gap between her and my parents is making her even more angry. That's why she's more comfortable whining to me." I sway my underwear-clad butt from side to side as I try to decide what to wear. A Black and white striped sweater or a black shirt with naked women on it? But it's cold so I'll probably have to wear a jacket. "What are you doing?"

"Huh?" I look back at Sara.

"Do you have to pee?"

"No. I don't know what to wear." I smile at Sara.

Sara sighs. "Okay, let me see." Sara picks something for me to wear each day. I never know what to wear and if I tried to decide I'd miss the bus, never go to university, and just be a failure. "Where are we going again?"

"Well," I start, "I was thinking we'd get hot dogs from Uncle Joe's and then we'd walk around and get some ice cream. I know it's kinda cold. But now we can walk around if we're wearing something good since there's no snow anymore and everyone's out." Sara nods, focusing on choosing me something to wear. "Or if you want something else, we can go catch a movie or something." I toy with my piercing as I wait for her to decide.

"Here you go." Sara hands me a plain blue button down and then my grey pants. "But you'll have to wear your coat while we're walking." I nod, taking my clothes. "Oh, and first option sounds nice." She kisses my lips.

**...**

"So," Sara says after tasting her cotton candy ice cream carefully, "what made you think of spoiling me today?" When something cold gets inside Sara's mouth she wrinkles her nose adorably and her eyes shut for a second until she gets used to the coldness on her sensitive taste buds. It's something I've always noticed. No wonder she likes cotton candy ice cream so much, she's as sweet as that. She's adorable and cute and the prettiest woman my eyes have fallen on. I have no idea how my mum gets bored of the people she dates quickly or they get bored of her like that. I can never be bored of Sara or how she looks or these little things she does. She's the cutest and the sweetest and the loveliest person ever.

I laugh a bit before I answer her. "I miss you so much and I want to spend some good time with you. To talk and such, you know."

It's quite colder than I thought. Even in April Canada's this cold. Or maybe because we're both having an ice cream while walking around in the city. Women are walking with their kids and teenagers are laughing on the sidewalk as they tease each other, and then there's us, holding cold hands while the other two hands holding ice cream cones. We both have the same haircut and we're both making everyone look at us. I wonder what they say in their brains. I bet they think we're the cutest. I bet they say that Sara is the cutest with her cold little nose and her cute little eyes and her pouty mouth and her cloud of cuteness. God, she's so cute. She's so damn cute.

"You're so fucking cute," I say, not able to hold it in. Sara giggles like the little cute human being she is and my heart dances because I just want to hold her tightly.

"First of all," Sara says, "how do you miss me when we're together everyday, silly?"

"I just do." I shrug as I blush.

"Second of all, thank you." She giggles again and this time I peck her right away and taste her ice cream on her beautiful lips.

"Mmm," I say. "Yummy lips." Sara giggles once again.

"Tegan!" she whispers, giving me a shy look. A man and a woman are looking at us and the woman's smiling. I made Sara embarrassed and shy and she's even cuter when she's like that.

"God, Sare," I say. "You have no fucking idea how much I want you right now. Like, right now." Sara giggles once again. "Let's walk home. I can't take it anymore. I wanna throw you on that bed and do things to you. Too many things." I turn her around quickly, pulling her by the hand as she laughs and we run together.

"Tegan, wait," she says while laughing. "My ice cream's gonna fall off." I slow down while laughing with her, placing a hand over my chest. I begin to cough and laugh. "Babe, are you alright?" I nod. My eyes are getting teary from laughter. I don't care who's looking at us. I've never felt so alive and so happy. Nobody has ever made me so happy by just existing there beside me. "Do you want your puffer, Teetee?"

I shake my head as I look at her. We're both standing, facing each other. She's still taking tempting licks of her ice cream and I'm becoming more wet by the minute. "Sasa, you know how you once wanted to, you know, film us doing it?" She nods, her eyes scanning me as her tongue moves against the frozen milk. I'm pretty sure she's doing this on purpose. "I really want to try it tonight. I want to hold the camera as I do you and watch you squirm and squeal under me. I want to make you come a lot and record it so we can watch it later and you can see how fucking beautiful you are while you come."

I don't think I have ever made her as shy or as hot as now. Her eyes dilate and her smile appears. Her lips are smudged with ice cream and her tongue is moving to the corners to lick any remnants left, but she keeps missing the ones on top of her lips. Her cheeks are crimson and beautiful and her hands are shaking in mine. After I kiss her again to clean her lips, she tugs at my coat indicating we should hurry back home.

By the time we're home, we're both laughing loudly. We climb up the stairs running together as if we're one of those teenagers who couldn't wait to put their hands on top of each other. She fiddles with the keys as I tickle her. We don't give one single damn about the neighbors, we're that high on merely our needs and happiness. She finally opens the door and runs quickly to our bedroom.

"I'm comin' for ya," I say loudly, locking the door. "Don't think I won't catch ya." I can hear her loud laughter coming from the room. The apartment is very dark and none of us bother to switch any lights on, not even in the hall. I can't think right now. The only thing that's thinking in me is my pulsating clit and my banging heart.

I run to the room and kick my shoes and take my socks off as I stare at giggling Sara, lying half way on the mattress, making her body use her elbows for support so she's lifting her head to look at me. I walk to the edge of the mattress and take her shoes and socks off. I unbutton my coat and then lean down to kiss her while my fingers unbutton her parka. She sits up to get herself rid of it and I kiss her again.

I strip us both and Sara moves her body back to rest her head on her pillow. Her legs are closed and her hands are stroking her thighs. I shut our door, close the curtains and switch on both of our lamps so I can see and the camera can film better. She's still giggling as I walk around the room searching for the things I need. I look inside her sex toys box and grab both the vibrator and the strap on.

"Want lube?" I look back at her; one hand on her stomach and the other on her breast, just resting there.

"Are you planning to make me unable to walk in the morning?"

"If you want to." I shrug, sending a wink her way.

"Well, then I don't need it." She squeezes her breast, pushing me to hurry the fuck up. I plug the magic wand and place it on the mattress next to Sara then I strap myself in front of her. She's biting her lips and rotating both her nipples. I think I'm the one who needs to be fucked so hard right now. I grab the camera and look at her. She nods, slowly spreading her legs to give my camera the show it wants to see.

"Hey, Sasa," I say, aiming the lens at her face.

"Hey," she whispers shyly.

"Are you ready for me, baby?" I move the focus to her breasts, so beautiful and round.

"Mhm."

"Well, why don't you show me?" I film her face again. "Show me how wet you are for me." My camera moves with her hands, slowly making their way past her stomach to the shaved mound and then with one finger Sara spreads her lips for me. "Ohhh, look at that red cunt. Too bad the camera can't see how good it smells, but it can surely see how wet it is." I know I'm making Sara crazy and she really likes that, she likes being teased. "Play with it, baby, play with your little clit, it looks so beautiful on camera. So aroused and wants your tiny fingers to touch it." Sara does what I tell her without hesitation. It's like she's been waiting to do so. I moan and she moans too. I switch between her breasts and her pussy as I pinch her nipple so hard while she rubs herself. "Enough of that." I push her hand away.

I grab the vibrator and switch it on. "Do you want to come, Sasa?"

"Yes," Sara whispers.

"Say how much you want to come to the camera."

"I want to come so much, please, Tegan."

"Aww," I say, leaning in to kiss her, holding the camera up to film me while doing it. "Your pussy is throbbing right now, isn't it?" Sara nods. "Sasa's being shy," I say, kissing both of her nipples. She arches her back both times, wanting me to take more of her inside of me. "Oh, no, no, naughty girl." I push her down.

I place the camera in front of my face. "You see, Ms. Camera, Sara loves her nipples being sucked and pinched till they hurt so much. She just wants her boobs to be in my mouth all day." I turn the focus of the lens back on Sara's face. "But now it's time for your pussy to taste something sweet." Sara moans softly.

I give her the vibrator and she understands, pushing it right on her swollen clit. I film her beginning to shake as her moans rise. I myself can't take it, she's so beautiful. "How does your pussy feel?"

"Good."

"Just good?"

"Amazing."

Sara moans loudly when I pinch her right nipple all of a sudden. "Do you want something more?"

"Please."

"You're such a polite little girl when you want your cunt to be fucked." I push her hand away and she shudders. "Look at your cute pussy, it's a mess. It's so wet." I touch her clit and she jumps, I rub for few seconds then drag my two digits down until I'm at her entrance. "Let's test your pretty little hole, shall we?" Sara moans. I push my two digits in and hear more of her pleasured sounds. "All ready for me and my big cock." Sara bursts out in laughter. "Does that make you laugh?" I direct the camera at her. "Does my cock make you laugh?" Sara shakes her head, still laughing. "You wanna know how funny it is when it's inside you?" Sara nods. "Sit up, little girl." Sara looks confused, she furrows her brows at me. "What? Sit up. You're gonna fuck yourself on top of this cock." I smirk at her.

I sit in Sara's old place, feeling her fluids on my thighs. "You messed up the sheets with your juices, Sasa." My camera is filming her as she stands up on the mattress, preparing herself to sit on the dildo. I take a hold of the vibrator, waiting for her to approach me. "Come here, I'll help ya, don't be shy."

Sara places one hand on my shoulder and the other holds the dildo, she closes her eyes and my camera captures this beautiful moment when her pussy enfolds slowly around the toy and her eyes shut tightly and her stomach gets sucked in until she gets used to the feeling and sits on me properly. "There ya go. Wasn't so hard, right?"

"No," she says bashfully, both of her hands are on each shoulder. I wait for her to begin going up and down slowly. I know it's taking her a bit of time to get used to this new position, I can see it through her eyes. I wonder if she and Emy tried it. I want to ask her about it but I don't want Emy's name to be in this tape. I want it to be just us.

When Sara starts riding me in a slow rhythm, I place the head of the wand on her clit again, making her jump and quicken her pace. "Now we're talking," I mouth and Sara starts screaming as I start to thrust very hard from under her. "The camera loves you so much. It loves your pussy and your beautiful bouncy tits." I take one breast in my mouth and suck on it, watching her throw her head to the back.

Sara's voices start to increase. She has never screamed so loudly while we're having sex. I'm lost inside a song of cussing intertwined with the mention of God's name and my name together that for a moment I start to suspect that I am the God she's calling. The camera is capturing all of this. I've never seen Sara so alive and wild, yet so shy and red. She's very unique and beautiful. I bet if her birth parents knew about her they'll love her so much. I bet these fuckers regret leaving her. They should. They really should. I will never ever leave her. I can never do that. If I did I might die.

"Oh, Tegan. Tegan...Tegan...God...fuck...oh God...Tegan. Oh, shit." Sara falls down, holding my ankle from behind while I thrust in her. She's very slow and careful so I have to help, but I don't think she can take it in this position anymore.

"It's okay, babe," I say. "Get up. Hold my hand, I'll flip us." I place the vibrator on the mattress. I pause the camera and put it there then I pull Sara up. She throws herself at me and holds me tightly. I think I made her very tired and exhausted. I forgot about her asthma, it's way worse than mine. "You alright?" Sara nods. "No. I need you to tell me you can continue. I stopped the filming. Talk to me."

Sara lifts her head up and looks into my eyes. Hers are teary and her cheeks are flushed. Luckily for me, a smile grows on her face and I get a quick kiss from her after. "I love you," Sara whispers. "I want you to make me come...if you want."

"Of course I want to," I tell her. "We're gonna change back to the missionary position. Sounds good?" Sara gives me a nod. "If you want me to slow down or stop, tell me." I don't ever want to hurt her. I know I lose myself sometimes and I know how sensitive and fragile she is and I don't want to take advantage of that part.

Once I'm on top of her and inside of her again, I hold the camera up above our heads as I kiss her entire face and chest. I think she'll be very shy seeing this. I also think that Emy should hold it while we both have sex next time...maybe, if Sara allows it only. But this time is not for Emy and she shouldn't even be in my thoughts right now. All I can focus on right now is getting Sara to orgasm. It takes her some time to do so, which is good because right now I am on the verge of having my own orgasm while the base of the phallus is hitting my clit the harder and faster I thrust.

Sara's very tight which makes me challenge myself to push and push till I am at a steady quick pace. I always get so much resistance at first. Right now I have no idea what Sara's feeling because her moans and my approaching orgasm are clouding all my thoughts. Her tits are bouncing and one is in my hand while the camera is filming her face covered by the back of her hand.

"The vibrator," Sara says breathlessly. "I need it right now. I need to come, right now...right now," she repeats.

She has reached her edge and cannot take anymore teasing. I grab the vibrator and place it where it should be. Her hand starts playing with her breasts, tweaking and rubbing both of her nipples as I film, fuck, and watch. She's very beautiful. Her orgasm hits her all of sudden and I only realize it when I try to push and get immediate resistance as her walls clench around me. I let go of the toy and hold her hip. I am almost there so I push the hardest I can because I cannot stop thrusting until I come. I hear her scream while my eyes are closed. The camera falls off my hand as I hit my orgasm. I slow down and fall above her.

I'm only aware Sara's pushing my body up but is failing when I come down from my high and gain my consciousness again. I remember that I'm still inside of her and I gasp. "Shit," I mumble as I hear her soft whimpers. I pull out of her very slowly so I wouldn't hurt her and I hear her suck in her breath. I look up and watch her eyes shut tightly. "I'm so sorry. I hurt you, didn't I?"

Sara opens her eyes and shakes her head. I know she's lying. I should have stopped thrusting after she came. I couldn't though, because I'm a fucking selfish ass who only cares about her own climax.

Sara sits up and reaches for the camera. She toys with it a bit and then lifts her head up and says, "You're gonna have to edit that last part."

"Sara," I say, "I'm so sorry."

Sara stretches and yawns. She moves her bum to the edge of the bed. I know she's hurt. "For what, baby? That was the best orgasm I've ever had."

"Are you sure?" Sara stands up and nods. "You didn't really...squirt."

"I was going to," she says, "but I resisted it."

"Why?" I ask, getting up to follow her to the bathroom.

"Because I didn't want to." Sara pauses and turns around to face me. "I mean, it didn't really happen."

"But..." I watch Sara sit on the toilet and motion for me to go out.

"Please," she whispers." I nod and step outside.

When Sara comes out of the bathroom, I stop her and look at her eyes. "Promise me I didn't hurt you. You can tell me that. Please, Sara."

"Babe," Sara says, "you need to relax and stop thinking you hurt me whenever we have sex." I know Sara. I know when she's being sincere or not. I just cannot find her honest right now. "It was great. It's a nice change. I didn't think you'd say these words. It was cute and hot and I came. What more do you want?" She's touching my sweaty hair right now, brushing my fringe to the side. "Go wash up and brush your teeth so we can sleep. I am very tired."

I do what she tells me very quickly. I go back to our bedroom and find her on her side of the mattress, she's in one of my big t-shirts. The toys are all on one of the two chairs. I'll have to clean them in the morning. I grab a boxer and put it on and then put on a sports bra. I get in bed beside her and she wraps her arms around me from behind as she spoons me. By this gesture I know Sara's telling me that just because I was on top this time and said these words and made her shake and tear up and scream, it doesn't mean that I have the power over her and I'm not the one who wears the pants. That's what I like about Sara, she deludes you into thinking she's the weakest human being ever and needs you to survive but you know too well you cannot live without her. Both Emy and I know that. We're both dependent on her even though it seems that she's the one who is so dependent on everyone. We want the love she gives and she wants the care we provide.

I do not find Sara asleep beside me in the morning when I wake up. It is strange because Sara hasn't gotten up before me since our dorm days. I usually wake up half an hour before her, even on the weekends. I like the fact that she can count on me to make coffee and prepare breakfast. Yesterday, even though I woke up before her, I couldn't get up because I was very tired.

I take a look at the time and it's not even nine yet. We never wake up earlier than ten on Sundays, especially that we spend Saturdays having sex till very late and we sleep in because we're usually exhausted.

_Oh, shit._

I get up quickly and run to the bathroom. The sex, last night, yes, I must have hurt her. I'm pretty sure I did so.

I find Sara sitting in the tub with her head resting on her knees and her eyes closed. She's taking a bath and she looks tired and hurt.

"Sara," I say timidly, afraid to approach her. Her eyes open right away and she lifts her head up. "I'm so sorry I barged in but...uh...are you okay?"

"Yes!" Sara says. "Are you okay?" she asks.

I finally step closer to the tub and sit on the edge of it. "You're hurt, right?"

"I'm a little sore," she admits. "But it's my back that's causing the issue not...down there." She laughs sweetly and my heart feels so warm all of a sudden. "Come here. Join me." She takes my hand in hers and tugs at it. I start to giggle.

"Wait, wait," I say. "I have to take my clothes off."

I remove my undergarments and dip my feet in the warm water while Sara holds my hand. I relax as soon as I sit down, facing Sara. "Alright," Sara says, making me open my eyes. "Tell me what's going on."

"What's going on?"

"Yes," Sara says, "Why do you think that you hurt me? Is it because I didn't, you know, squirt or is it because I tried to push you when you were on top of me?"

"Kind of," I answer. I'm honestly not sure where to begin. I don't really want to tell her why I thought of that. "I just...I didn't realize I was still going when you were done."

"But that's okay. I mean, it happens. I wasn't hurt, I'm not right now. Just the typical soreness in the morning after. You know, still not used to the whole dildo thing much." Sara chuckles nervously. "I don't think I'll ever get used to it like you. I mean..." By now Sara's merely blabbering because she feels nervous and bashful.

I move closer to her and hold her hands. "You're amazing, Sara. You're good in sex and it feels great inside you."

"Oh." She rubs the back of her head as she smiles.

"Sara." I sigh, playing with the water. "Let's talk about sex...honestly."

"Yes...uh, sure." Sara faces me with seriously focused eyes and I sit in front of her and face her with a grave look as well.

"Do you like what I offer in bed? Do you like how I do it?"

"Of course," Sara jumps in immediately.

"No, Sara. Focus, please." I take a breath and continue, "Am I too rough? Is my dominance likable or is it a turn off? Like, what I said yesterday, these things, did you like them? Were they a turn off?"

"I like everything you do." She frowns. "Why are you questioning it? I'm not used to you this insecure."

"Oh, well..." I scratch the back of my head like she does and bite my lower lip. "I have lots of insecurities, believe it or not." I don't know why I start to tear up.

"Oh, no, Tegan, that's not what I meant." I hear the splash of the water and then feel Sara's skin against my own. My eyes are closed and tears are running out of them. "I know you're a very sensitive girl. I know you have insecurities. I know you try to hide them and appear as the big tough girl. I appreciate your strength and I act as if it is there and there's no weakness because I don't ever want you to feel that I can see these weaknesses that you do not like to show."

"It's just hard." I sob while she hugs me. "I didn't know I was this terrible to you until Emy mentioned it."

"Emy?" Sara asks, looking at me.

"Sara...she told me that the way I yell is violent and aggressive and said that I show signs of abuse towards you. Like, the other day, she was there when I threw that vase. I didn't mean to throw it. I was angry. And I guess she's right. I did break Jeremy's nose once because I was very angry. I did hit you before. I did throw a chair at you and a vase because you just wanted to talk to me about something that bothered you. I did hurt you in bed. I hurt Emy so much last time, did you know that? She bled, Sara. I fucking made her bleed."

I look up at Sara who has a wide confused gaze. I know she's thinking about all that I've done and all that is me and I feel disgusting and terrible.

Sara holds my face in her hands and looks me in the eye. "Listen to me," she says in a voice I have never heard before, a voice so mature and so serious and so sad. It's raspy and breaks my heart. "Emy's our friend, yes; our bed buddy, yes; we like her and want her to solve some of our issues because we want help with them, yes; but Emy has no fucking saying about how we treat each other. Tegan, if I did not like the way you talked to me I would put a stop to it and be sure of that. If you hurt me I'd say it to your face. I once told you that when you hit me you couldn't stop. After that you never touched me in a way I didn't want. Yes, I would love for your anger to be controlled and for you to listen to me but I also understand that you're going through a lot as well. At the end of the day I do think that I should give you a break. At the end of the day I do want you to give yourself a break. I'm a whiny person, you're a pragmatic one. We argue like couples do and Emy can never say anything about it." Sara sighs, looking at me. "And as for the sex part then go easy with Emy, she's sensitive. But do it the way you do it to me because that's how I like it."

I nod with tears, hugging her like a little child and breathing on her chest. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Tegan," Sara says. "Don't let some talk get to you. If you hurt me I'll tell you. If I hurt you, you'll tell me. Everything works out with a little conversation. If you're having a problem with something in the past I'm more than happy to help, babe." She kisses my head and I can't help but release a loud cry.

"You're gonna be the best therapist, Sasa."

"You really think so?"

"I know so." I look up at her and wipe my tears. "I want you to forgive me for each time I yell at you. I am more sensitive than you and, yes, I do try to hide it because I want to be strong. I want to carry myself. I don't want to end up like those kids who had a tough past and so they grew up bitter and spiteful." Sara's touching my face right now. "You're the only one I can just easily tell her about things I just cannot say out loud. You know about my step dad, about my first time, about how many girls I slept with, about my mum's failed relationships, about my insecurities and my inner struggles. You're the only one who knows about these things and I really wish nobody else would know about them. I also wish I'd never ever regret telling you about them."

"It's hard to trust someone, I do know that. I don't blame you for feeling like you'll be hurt. I don't blame you for this defense mechanism that you have. I know exactly why you throw things when you're angry. I will never criticise you because I know it. And I don't know it because I'm the therapist-to-be Sara or whatever, I know it because my heart can reach yours and my mind can understand yours and I am just your lover Sara, the girl who loves you and wants you beside her all the time." She gives me a look, a very beautiful look with her eyes, a look that says I should trust her; and I really do because I cannot not do that after these words. "If I ever hurt you then I deserve whatever bad thing shall happen to me."

"Don't you get scared of our love ending? Like it happened to you and Emy?" Sara shakes her head with a smile.

"That's the one thing I'm not scared of."

"How? I'm scared you'll leave me when you find a better one."

"I'm scared I can never find love as good as this and I'll love you too much till it hurts."

"Wow." I feel myself blushing. "You're pretty romantic."

"I try." She shrugs, brushing her fringe away. Her cheeks are red. Her smile is shy.

"That was a good talk. I liked it."

"I'll never leave you. I'll never hurt you. I trust you and trust that with time you can use conversation instead of throwing things around the house."

"I promise you I'm gonna work on that." Sara kisses me. I feel her wet hand on my wet back.

"Let's wash ourselves and go make breakfast."

**...**

"This feels so good," Sara says and a low, sexy moan follows her words as my hands rub the cold gel on her back.

"Doesn't smell so good though," I say.

I move my hands all over her bare back as she rests on the sofa and puts her legs over my lap. Her head is turned around and she's looking at me. I give her lower back soothing rubs with my thumbs and index.

"I'm sorry," Sara says. "That's what the pharmacist gave me. She was too hot for me to ask for something else. Her cleavage was..." Sara stops talking when I raise my eyebrows. She bites her lower lip and laughs cutely. "I'm just kidding. It was a man. And he had no cleavage."

"I'm gonna pretend I believe that." I rub some more and focus on the lower spot that hurts her all the time right above her left hip. "There?"

"Yes," she says gruffly. "It hurts so bad."

"I forgot about it yesterday, I'm sorry."

"No," she says. "Don't be. I got it all checked last month. There's nothing wrong but I guess it's just gonna hurt forever."

"I think it will vanish with time. My mum had a sore neck for about five years. And it disappeared all of a sudden."

The smell is making me feel like I am going to choke. This is perhaps the worst smelling medicine ever, but I'm doing this for Sara and I'm not going to complain because I don't want her to feel bad.

After I finish and leave her resting on her tummy with her eyes closed for some minutes, I slap her bum and she opens her eyes instantly, looking at me. I chortle and give her another slap.

"Leave my bum alone." Sara groans.

"It's the cutest bum ever." I lower her sweatpants and underwear quickly, revealing her bare cheeks. I put my hands on them and watch her face redden. A finger trails down until it reaches her folds from behind. My smirk makes an appearance as soon as I feel her wetness. I lower my face to her left cheek and peck softly. I feel her tense up and so I raise my head to look at her.

"Teetee," she says, "I'm kinda very sore right now," her voice comes in a whisper, a very timid one. My finger strays away from her lips and I peck her right cheek quickly.

"I'm very sorry," I say.

Sara turns around and raises her underwear and pants. "It's okay, babe," she says. "I can't believe you kissed my ass...literally." She giggles and I join her.

"It's very cute. I love kissing it."

"No, that's weird." Sara covers her face. My gaze travels down to her breasts, softly swaying the more she shakes with embarrassed laughter.

"I kiss your cunt, Sara. Pretty sure that's more intimate than kissing an ass cheek."

"Don't say it outloud." I just adore her when she's so shy. She's adorable. Her shyness masks her entire frame and covers it like a soft blanket of rose petals. Her paleness turns to redness and her face glows and her heart beats quicky; I cannot hear it but I can feel it. "It feels weird when you talk dirty while we're just sitting like that."

I remove her hands and lower my torso, looking at her beautiful eyes then kissing her softly. I pull away but keep my lips very close to hers and then whisper, "Would it feel weird if I touched your tits and talked dirty then?" I place my palm above her magnificent breasts and softly caress. I know she's caving in and probably juicing more in her underwear at the moment. I love turning her on. I kiss her again and play with her tits until the doorbell rings.

"Whoever is there knows exactly how to ruin a good moment," I say as I sit up.

"I'm gonna make it up to you later tonight," Sara says, touching my cheek. "I want you to have a good orgasm."

"Oh, God." I stand up and Sara sits up slowly. "Let me go see who's that motherfucker because right now I'm just...ya."

"It's okay," Sara says. "I was gonna push you off anyway. I have to do some studying. But tonight I'm definitely fucking you well."

"Okay...yes. Oh, God, yes." I don't think I can control myself till tonight. I need it right now. I need her body and herself and her kisses. I need her to take me.

"Holy fuck, Emy," I scream when I open the door. Emy's face full of blood greets me. "Oh my God, who did this to you?" I'm speaking quite loudly. I hear Sara's footsteps as I hold Emy before she falls. Her lower lip is cut open and her left eye is bruised and half closed. Her right cheek is bruised as well as her forehead.

Sara comes in while putting her shirt on. She gasps as soon as she sees Emy and takes her in her arms. I close and lock the door and help Sara walk our limping friend to the living room.

"Who did this to you, Em?" Sara says. Emy doesn't say anything. I look down from the window and I do not find Emy's car. She didn't come in with her keys too.

"Emy, who did this to you?" I say again and Emy starts crying. "I'll go fucking kill them. A thief? Some fucked up guys?" Emy shakes her head.

I look at Sara's concerned and silent face. She's looking straight ahead with so much fury in her eyes. I think she knows who did this to Emy, or has an idea. I've never seen Sara with such anger. Her lips are tightly pursed and her eyes are furious and enraged.

"I have to pee," Emy whispers. She tries to stand up so I go to her and help her up.

"You can't even walk. I'm so fucking worried. Fucking say something." The more I shout the more Emy cries.

I walk her to the bathroom and she lowers her pants and underwear quickly and sits on the toilet in front of me and Sara. She puts her head in her hands and sobs while she urinates.

"Tegan, get me some alcohol and cotton so I can clean her cuts," Sara whispers.

I walk out to the kitchen but then I remember that Sara has cotton in the bathroom. Then it hits me that Sara wanted me out so she could talk to Emy and so I pace very quietly to the bathroom and stand just outside. The door is still slightly ajar. I take a peek and watch Sara standing on her knees in front of Emy.

"But why?" Sara asks very quietly. I'm not sure what they're speaking of.

"I wanted it. I really did. You have no idea how in pain I am these days." Emy cries more.

"Is that the solution? Drugs gonna make your life so much better?" My eyes widen as I listen. "God, you're so stupid."

"It's a mistake," Emy says.

"A mistake happens once, Emy, not three times. This is the third time and this time is probably your last chance."

"I fucking know that," Emy says a bit loudly. "This was just a kind threat. Jenn said next time she'll make the guy do worse things. I have no idea what she means." Jenn again? That motherfucking asshole.

I really wish to barge in and fucking yell and shout but I'm not supposed to be hearing this.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do," Emy says.

"You fucked up real bad."

"I know." Emy cries more. "I don't know how I'm gonna pay her. I'm a fuck up. I can't take this pressure. I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm scared."

"Shhh," Sara says. "I'll go see what's taking Tegan so long. Get up and go to the room. You're a mess." Before I could run away, I find Sara staring at me, standing at the door. "You're gonna regret doing that one day," Sara says gravely and then walks to the kitchen.

Emy leaves the bathroom and gives me a weak smile, which I respond to by giving her another one. I hold her wet hand and take her to our bedroom. She sits on the bed as I search in my closet for something other than her bloody clothes.

"Emy," I say. I turn around and watch her unbuttoning her shirt.

"Don't judge me please. I'm in a shitty place right now. I feel like shit. I know I fucked up. It feels so hard to be this lost and lonely and not knowing what the fuck you're gonna do after college and you just want a distraction and there's nothing in your way but fucking Jenn and her drugs and it's tempting and I couldn't resist it because I'm stupid."

"Shh," I shush her. "Stop talking for a second." Sara enters the room and sits next to Emy on the mattress. "We all mess up, Emy. It happens. But we put a stop to it." Sara looks at Emy. "You made some mistakes. It's fine."

"It's not fine. I feel stupid and disgusting. I don't know why I do that." Sara rubs her back. I sit in front of her and start cleaning her cuts.

We leave Emy cry there for awhile. Emy took some drugs and promised the money later. She couldn't make the money and got beaten up. I didn't know such thing could happen, but apparently that's not the first time. The first time ever was before she and Sara dated. Second time was a bit more than a year ago and she and Sara almost broke up because of that issue. Emy promised that was the last time. Now it's happening again and Sara and I figured it's mostly for attention. We know Emy's lonely and feels scared to move on. She's scared that she's graduating and cannot find a job yet and cannot find a place to stay at. She wants a girlfriend and no one is suitable for her as she says. We feel sorry for her but Sara's angry as well.

I make food for Emy and Sara sits next to her in our bedroom. When I enter I find Sara studying and Emy's lying in the middle of the mattress while holding my spongebob pillow. Emy sits up when she sees me with a sandwich and a glass of water in my hands. I give her the plate that has the grilled cheese sandwich and place the water on my nightstand.

"This is Tylenol for your pain and headache," I say, holding the pill in my hand. "You're going to take it after you eat this." Emy nods.

Sara looks up at us while trying to memorize some words silently. "Sare, babe, go study in the living room. Do you want me to help you?" Sara shakes her head while her lips move as she repeats some of the sentences that we can barely hear.

"I'm just revising. I've studied this yesterday," Sara says. "I'm a bit hungry. I'll go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich." Sara stands up. "Want one?"

"No, thank you." We already had dinner two hours ago but I suppose the smell of grilled cheese made Sara hungry again.

"I'm sorry, Tegan," Emy says all of a sudden. "I didn't know I hurt you so much with my words."

I don't understand what she's talking about at first, but then I remember this morning with Sara and I nod, understanding that Sara has told her. Of course she has. "I thought I hurt you, nothing more."

"It was just new to me."

"You said Sara's very rough in bed. I just thought you liked it that way."

"It's true. I said that. But umm...I guess not as much as last time. Or maybe because I haven't been penetrated since, you know, the threesome."

"Oh," I say.

"Yes." She chuckles. "But don't worry. Nothing bad happened, I swear. I guess I was just taken aback when I saw a bit of blood. It was nothing though. Don't feel bad about it. I know you're a good person."

"Do you really believe that I am?" I ask. "I can never hurt anybody, Em. Especially not Sara. I'm not like that."

"I know." Emy nods. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

I guess I can say that Emy can really ruin good moments, but she's our friend and we have to help her and be her source of comfort. We allow her to stay the night and sleep between us. Sara smiles apologetically at me when I get in bed, making me remember her promise of sex tonight.

Emy cuddles up to me unconsciously and falls asleep quickly. Sara looks at me and I look at her for so long that we forget someone's asleep next to us.

"I'm gonna give her the money," I whisper to Sara.

"You don't have to," Sara says.

"She told me you gave her the money the last time."

"If we keep acting as her guardian angels she's never gonna learn from her mistake. Tomorrow I'm going to look for jobs for her."

"You're basically doing the same if you're going to look for a job. I don't want her to get more hurt if she didn't pay that whore. She needs stitches, you know."

"She didn't want me to take her to get them."

"Who's gonna babysit her tomorrow?" I ask.

"She's not twelve, Tegan."

"Sometimes it feels like she's our responsibility." I sigh.

"She's our friend," Sara says. "She'll help us when we need help too, I guess."

"Yes, I guess." I yawn.

"I'm sorry about the whole...no sex tonight thing. We could have just had sex while she's here but, like, it's not the good time, you know?"

"No, no, it's not. It will feel wrong," I say. "I guess we should sleep."

"Yes, let us sleep."


	17. Chapter 17

**Trigger warning: Involves very light BDSM and anal sex.**

**Also, I have previously mentioned that this story is episodic so from now on a lot will be happening at once and lots of fast-forwarding will happen.**

**Don't worry about me stopping there the anon who wants Sara to be top; it will happen in the next chapter. I had to stop here because the chapter is already too long. For now, try to enjoy this smut-filled chapter.**

* * *

**Sara**

**September 9th, 2007**

"Happy birthday to yooooou," Emy sings loudly in the crowded restaurant. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to my lovers. Happy birthday to you." She's in the middle, between Tegan and I. She has one arm behind my neck with her hand resting on my shoulder and one behind Tegan's neck with her hand resting on Tegan's shoulder. Amber is snapping pictures with her new camera while holding her thumbs up each time Emy makes a silly pose, acting as if it is her freaking birthday.

Well, technically, it is neither anybody's birthday. Mine was yesterday, tomorrow's Tegan's. Today is the day Emy celebrates us. And by celebrates us I mean she joins us in bed today. Tegan and I celebrated my birthday alone, and we will celebrate her birthday alone tomorrow. Today, we'll celebrate it with Emy...and Amber.

Amber is Emy's new...whatever she is. She and Emy work together in a studio they own together. How cool is that! Everything has changed for Emy to the better. But nothing was easy at first. Things took time, lots of it. She suffered a lot, and we suffered along with her.

Emy was broke for awhile after her drugs incident. Her parents were supportive but not as supportive as Tegan and I. She wasn't able to find a place after graduation. She wasn't able to find a job after graduation. She wasn't able to pay for anything after graduation. So Emy was our roommate for several months.

It was not a very great time for all of us. Sharing a bed with two other people wasn't the best idea. It was hectic, it was uncomfortable, it generated many issues and problems. And I'm not talking about the fight of who took the duvet all to themselves in the middle of the night (and mostly it's Emy who did so), but I'm talking about who took the most attention from Emy in sex, who wanted privacy and the other did not give it, who just needed some time alone and the other wouldn't fucking go away (also mostly Emy).

Tegan and I just wanted to escape together at times; just leave her there asleep and go on vacation somewhere faraway. The only good time of that year was when we visited both of our parents and she didn't tag along because she was visiting hers. We were able to enjoy sex alone again. It sounds very fucked up, but the only time we really enjoyed sex again was when we were in my room or her room. In her house we didn't even care her mother was just downstairs making food. Her mother was cool and didn't give one single fuck about what we did. I guess these are the perks of having a young parent. Her mother also loves me very much and I talk to her more than I talk to my own mother.

Back to Emy. Well, Emy became our love child or whatever term Tegan came up with each day. One time we left the place in the middle of the night and Tegan took Emy's car (Tegan took her license that summer but she's a terrible driver) to drive me and her around the city. We sat in a secluded area and ate chips. I remember Tegan talking about our relationship with Emy.

"It's sort of like," Tegan said as she chewed, "like this relationship you cannot just abandon but you really want to get rid of. You get it?" I remember me nodding. "Like, I love Emy so much and you do too and she's just a great part in our life and we love helping her and we worry if she's late and we care if she's sad and we don't want her to be sick or hurt, but we also really just wanna get rid of her at times in order to be alone. Sort of like, our child, kinda." I remember Tegan laughing nervously. I remember laughing too.

"I get what you mean. Without her we're this normal, ordinary couple. Very domestic. Follow routine and order. Yeah?" Tegan nodded. "And with her there's just this excitement and rush. Sex with her is awesome. Exploring it all with her is awesome. It makes me feel like I'm this superhero. Like, I have this power and nobody knows about it because they can't know about it."

But of course, even Emy, our love child, had to grow up and move on at one point. Emy went to therapy after different kinds of advice from Sonia, my mother, her parents, and us. When she came back, she was another person. She met some woman there who gave her Amber's number. It was a very quick process that all I remember of it is Emy coming into our apartment yelling she found a job and hugging both of us. She was also crying.

This Amber worked at her mother's studio; her mother went with Emy to group therapy. Amber is my age and she was just starting with her own paintings and art. Her mother is also a tattoo artist, and she gave me my first two tattoos. They needed someone who professionally understood art and Emy was there.

"It's like fate was arranging all of this for me to work with these amazing people," Emy always told me everytime she returned from work.

Slowly, Emy began to collect money. And slowly, Emy began to have some mysterious things with Amber. It's not love, not even a relationship, nor even them sleeping together. There was and still is something and we all can see it clearly, but Amber is straight. Emy have never been into a straight woman before. And Emy is still sleeping with us whenever we want her to.

The small studio was slowly becoming bigger until it became this new cool art store in downtown Vancouver. One section is for tattoos, one section is for cool, abstract paintings, and one section is for cool other things that Emy worked on. She started to make shirts and drawings on cups and plates. Amber added to that section by making interesting hipster jewelry and birthday cards with funny sayings on them.

Emy moved in to a very small apartment later. She got a very cute kitten so I'd play with her because Tegan doesn't let me have one in our place. I usually babysit Emy's cat if I have nothing to do, and mostly I have nothing to do because I graduated that year that Emy found her way in life.

Yes, I, Sara Smith, have actually graduated college with a Psychology degree that I put up on my wall and it's the only thing I do not bother dusting when I clean our place because if I look at it, I'll cry.

My life isn't exactly as good as Emy's right now. I am not happy at all. I do have some happy moments, especially when I see my girlfriend happy, but personally, happiness have flown out of this body of mine a long time ago.

You graduate and you try to find a job. You go to interviews and do one after the other but you get rejected everytime because your grades are not that good or you have zero experience. Or, in my case, you lack personality. Schools do not want me to deal with kids because I am not a good speaker. Companies do not want me to deal with their employees because I, apparently, have a very weak personality. To put it in another form, nobody wants to hire me because I just fail at life and lack rhetoric and eloquence. Right now I'm just following the advice of that mean man who interviewed me a couple of months ago. "Darling, you'll be a cute wife and a good mother. Learn how to cook and find someone rich to be with you." And so, right now, I'm learning how to cook.

Tegan wanted to go punch him, but I convinced her that punching our table is better than getting herself in so much trouble. Tegan is the most supportive human being I've ever met. I'm not just saying that because she's my girlfriend; she's been helping kids who are bad at math by tutoring them, she's working in a very small company as an intern and also working part time in the same old cafe, she also keeps getting the best marks ever. I believe life loves her because she loves life, people, and helping others.

Emy kisses both Tegan and I on our cheeks and hurries to blow our candles before we can even blink. Amber laughs, taking more pictures.

The cake has Emy's picture on it with two thumbs up. I don't even want to ask. I'll just enjoy the effort Emy put into creating this birthday.

"Thank you, Emy," Tegan says. "Really appreciate the surprise. Try not to tell us about it a day before next time."

"Don't you love the cake, though? This way you can never forget me. Whenever you remember this birthday, you're gonna be like, oh, that cake, it was so delicious." Emy moans all of a sudden. Snap; another picture is taken. "Oh, yaaaa, it had Emy's picture on it. Oh, God, Emy's so good. Emy's so nice. Emy's so fine." Emy moans once again. "Emy's also so hot. Wanna make out thinking of her?"

"Emy has over self-confidence issues," I say. With my finger I take a small part of the cream and lick it. I notice Tegan looking at me while licking her lower lip. When Tegan winks, I blush like I have never blushed before.

"Bitch," Emy says, "it took me years to build this ego so shut up and don't make fun of it."

"Oh, what do I see here," Amber says. Her dimples are showing as she smiles at Tegan and I. "Are these love looks or what are they?" She nudges over-excited Emy.

"They definitely are," Emy agrees.

I am still very sheepish because of last night. Trying new things with Tegan is wonderful, but I never ever thought I'd try what we did last night. She promised me a night of endless pleasure and she was on point with that. She handled me carefully and perfectly and loved me just right. I finally know what it is like to let all my fears go away and simply enjoy sex and all that comes with it from exciting pain and shocking euphoria. Tegan never fails to show me love with her rapturous touches.

In these two years I've seen Emy and Tegan try things I didn't imagine possible in front of me. Sometimes I'd watch, sometime's I'd film, sometime's I'd touch myself as I look at their bodies experimenting together, but sometimes I wish to try these things with them. I never voiced that need until last week.

"What do you want for your birthday?" Tegan asked me while we were in bed. "And you have to tell me this time because I honestly don't know what to get you." When your girlfriend gets you lots of presents and spoils the fuck out of you at any chance she gets, it is very normal for her not to know what to get you for your birthday.

"Honestly?" I switched my position to the side to look at her. She nodded. "I just really want good sex. I want something new. I want you to try new things with me. I feel like I am ready for these...things."

"You're adorable when you blush." She took off the glasses that I wasn't aware I was still wearing and kissed my lips. "Tell me what you want."

"You know?" I shrugged.

"I don't." I know she was simply teasing; she knows what I want.

"You remember the nipple clamps you got me when we first dated?"

"They're still there?" she exclaimed.

I laughed. "Yes, they are. Where would they be?"

"I thought you got rid of them."

"I wouldn't. They're a gift from you. I would never do that." I held her hand to show her how much she means to me and she shifted her body closer. Her smile was the prettiest picture I've ever seen. "Plus, I knew the day would come when I'd be ready to use them."

"So you're ready now?" Tegan asked me.

"I am."

"That's great. I'll be gentle."

"I don't want you to be gentle. I want you to show me a good time. I want us to experiment with new things. You know when you and Emy tried, um..." I couldn't say it, I just couldn't.

"Butt sex," but she said it so casually and did not even hesitate.

"Yup." My face was red and hot and I was sweating. "I kinda, you know, want that."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "Emy and I had experienced with it alone or with other people before we tried it together. Are you sure you want it? You might not like it."

"I trust you enough to try it with me. I want to see if I like it or not but I want you to do it...if you want, I mean."

"Of course I do." She was brushing my hair. Her minty breath was hitting my nostrils. "I think I have just the right thing for you. Don't ask me what it is because it's a surprise."

Butt plugs were the only thing that never crossed my mind. I thought she'd get a small dildo, or try her fingers and then try it with a cute little dildo. I didn't even think of a butt plug until I saw all the things she had prepared for me last night.

"Breathe," Tegan said to me. "Look at all of these and study them and tell me if you want to try or not."

Our bed was neat and tidy. A bottle of lube was there and I was happy to see that. The nipple clamps that I myself had prepared in the morning were there and out of their box. There were two butt plugs, one pink and very tiny and the other one was purple with another device next to it. Also, our vibrator was there, and finally, the new black dildo Tegan and I purchased two months ago. It was definitely big, but we both were very used to that by now. First time she used it on me I worried about getting loose or wide. Tegan laughed and said there was no such thing unless I put a giant watermelon or whatever in my vagina each day. When I used it on her, she seemed very uncomfortable, even more than me. Only two days later she admitted that it was a bit too much on her and she was not used to that size. I guess that in these two years I became more flexible than her. And right now, I just think that I should step up my game for her birthday tomorrow night, especially after last night.

"Look, Sasa," Tegan said last night. She took the pink plug first and grabbed my hand. "Touch it. See how soft?" I put my fingers on the length to inspect. "This is a beginner's plug. Cute and pink. You're gonna like it, I promise you."

"What about the other one?" I pointed at the one that caught my attention mostly.

"Oh." Tegan blushed. "Actually, umm, this one is a vibrating plug and I got really excited seeing it. I grabbed it because I wanted it to be used on me. I mean, I'd use it on you if you want."

"No. I think this one is enough for now." I am planning to use it on her tomorrow night. I know she brought it to hint that she wanted me to try it on her. Even when Tegan had anal sex, I never participated. It was always Emy doing the job. Now I want to do it myself; I want to give my girlfriend a good time and show her that I, too, can top her very well.

The process was maddeningly slow and amazingly gentle. After the date Tegan and I had alone, Tegan made me sit on our mattress with my back resting against the headboard. I almost laughed at my full tummy. I think I've gulped more than three chocolate and cinnamon cupcakes after the fancy dinner Tegan arranged. And then I was just sitting with my heavy breasts and bloated tummy in front of my toned girlfriend. Her arms were muscular and thick and her stomach had hints of abs and her breasts were perky. Whenever she aged, she became prettier and sexier. When she entered her twenties she started to glow each day. When we walked, people stared at her and ignored me. I did not seem older, I just didn't have that luster and appeal she had. Her walk was tantalizing, her voice was seductive, her body language was confident, and she carried herself with so much pride and so much cheerfulness that everybody loved her at university and at work. She was the exact opposite of me. And sometimes it did make me feel jealous, but mostly, I just felt lucky to have her in my life because without her I wouldn't even have graduated college or moved out or lived the life I'm living now.

"I would have handcuffed you or tied your wrists with a rope and just enjoyed your body, but it's not my birthday and tonight is just for gentle experimenting, but if we did this again, we're totally doing that," Tegan said as she caressed my entire skin.

Her fingertips made me shiver. The goosebumps kissed my skin as soon as her soft lips touched my shoulders, kissing so tenderly and wetting my skin. "I want to be able to touch you while you do these things to me. I'm glad you didn't handcuff me." I feel more safe knowing she's right there and I can touch her. I know if I squeezed her arm, she'd know what I want. She always knows when I want her to stop or go harder or go softer on me. She can sense my touches.

"I know, baby." She kissed my forehead.

Tegan took her time to get me wet; very, very wet, actually. My legs were spread and I was still sitting. I looked down and my clit was swollen and I just wanted to touch it. My nipples were aching and my hole wanted to be filled. Tegan was teasing; she rubbed my clit for a few seconds and then toyed with my folds for another few seconds. My breathing was getting heavier and my need was darkening my sight.

"Your skin is so soft. Is that even normal?" Tegan said all of a sudden. It made me laugh hearing that. "Do you bathe in angel oil or something? I'm kinda jealous." Tegan was caressing my thighs up and down. These little comments always made my nerves go away. Everything felt natural when Tegan did it because she knew how to get me in the mood and relax me.

"Your skin is soft too," I said.

"Not like yours." Her hand moved to my breast. First, she caressed and mouthed how soft and beautiful it felt to touch it, then she squeezed. "Honestly, I'm not sure how they do this. But I wanted to get you super wet until you'd want to be touched there like everytime so you wouldn't get hurt."

"I'm really wet and I really want my nipples touched right now."

"Really?" She squeezed a nipple and I moaned, nodding my head. "Alright."

When the pressure touched that sensitive part of my body I did not hate it at all, not even in that one second of pain. I welcomed it immediately, bucking my hips forward. Something in me fired as soon as I saw my nipples squeezed that way. Tegan was looking for discomfort but I was smiling at the feeling. I guess I really do like pain in sex. To enhance the pleasure; however, Tegan went down on me. Her tongue danced on my drenched folds and teased my bundle of nerves. Her hand tugged at the silver chain that connected the two clamps. The more she pulled, the more I relished the feeling, and the louder I screamed.

She knew when it was time for the other toy to be used. This one, I admit, was not as comfortable for me. I was never a fan of anal sex, but seeing Emy and Tegan trying that, I really felt like I need to try it too. Tegan made me stay in the same position but spread my legs as wide as I could and slouch a little in order for her to see my other hole. At that moment, I started to feel the pain in my nipples because I was nervous. But Tegan was smart enough; she inserted her index first using the wetness of my vagina. Her other thumb rotated my clit so the pleasure wouldn't vanish completely. When I was able to take her finger in, she moved it very slowly after I consented. After some time, I told her to try the plug. She asked twice if I was sure and pecked my lips when I confirmed that I wanted her to insert the pink toy inside. She lubed it in front of me and then began to push. The toy was softer than her finger, and that's why I took it faster inside. A long breath I didn't know I was holding escaped my lips as soon as I let myself relax. Tegan kissed me again, but this time longer and with passion.

I felt bad that we were taking a long time because Tegan had to go to university and also work till night the day after. This is how it is for us: Tegan goes to university then goes straight to work and after that she goes straight to her internship. She would come back at nine, very exhausted and tired. I'd make her something to eat and we'd talk about her day. She would ask me about mine, but we both know that there's nothing to talk about. I mostly babysit Emy's cat if she dropped her off, or read after cleaning. Sometimes I go out to run some errands, other times I try new things in the kitchen, but mostly I sit around and do nothing.

"Can we not use the dildo?" I told Tegan eventually. I felt like what my body was going through was too much. With the hitachi on my clit and her fingers inside my core, I couldn't take the dildo. Plus, I was getting sleepy and she was getting tired.

"That's alright. We don't have to use it. I think this is too much already, yeah?"

"Yes," I said in a whiny manner.

My climax approached beautifully. All the right touches were in all the right places and Tegan's soothing words did not leave for one second. She can be dirty in bed and she can also be very romantic nowadays . And when she's romantic and gentle, I feel safe with her. I'd look into her eyes and see two peaceful hazel orbs full of love and affection. Sometimes you need dark lust in bed and sometimes you need sweet love, and last night I just needed sweet love and she gave it to me.

"Stop mind fucking each other and wait till you get home, you guys," Emy shouts all of a sudden, pulling me out of my thoughts. I blush once again and look at the piece of cake in front of me. "It's like your honeymoon phase keeps restoring itself."

"Don't jinx us," Tegan says.

"I'm not," Emy says. "I'm happy for you guys. You give me hope in true love. I really hope you can stay together forever."

"Yes. I totally hope that too," Amber says.

Emy drives Amber back home first. Amber is currently living in her mother's place because Carla has been ill for the past six months. I feel unnerved about the fact that Amber knows that Emy sleeps with us every now and then. I guess, maybe, the reason why she and Emy aren't together till now is because of this part of our relationship.

When we reach our apartment, Tegan goes to the bathroom to wash up and then I do the same after her. I get in the shower after taking my pants and underwear off and direct the showerhead on my vagina. I slip two fingers in my slit and trace my folds. I make sure the entire area is clean before I turn off the water and stand against the basin to brush my teeth. I put on my pants only and throw my underwear in the hamper. Emy enters the bathroom after me and I walk back to the bedroom.

I spot our big toys box on the floor and notice that Tegan's upper half is entirely naked. In these two years, we managed to widen our horizons and expand our variety of toys. There are the dildos Tegan and Emy use for butt sex and there are the dildos only Tegan and I use together and there are stuff we use on Emy only and there are stuff we all share. We put all these in a big red gift box that Tegan has made a place for in our closet.

Emy comes inside fully naked. Tegan and I both raise our eyebrows and she guffaws loudly while closing the door.

"We don't accept nudity at our home," Tegan says.

When we all have sex, we don't usually walk around naked in front of each other. Tegan and I do that but Emy only takes her clothes off for that act and puts them back on right after and if not, as soon as she wakes up in the morning. This time she's walking around while the lights are on and I can see all her freckles and moles and all her imperfections and all her flaws and everything else that's quite charming in front of me. I suppose I do miss her body on display and I haven't noticed that till now. She did put on a few pounds, making her ass look bigger and her thighs even more appealing to me.

"We're changing the rules tonight," Emy says after she turns around to face us. Both my girlfriend and I look down at her fully shaved mound and Tegan nudges me. I escape a suppressed laugh. "I saw that," she says again. She walks towards us and, with both hands, she lifts our heads up. "When I'm talking, you fucking look at me." I release the same laugh again.

Alright, there's this scale of who is more dominant in bed. First winner is Tegan, then myself, then Emy. Emy does top, but she's not dominant at all. So seeing this is hard to take seriously because someone so cute just can't boss me.

"Tonight we're following my rules. We're going to play a game tonight. I'll be the judge and the host and the watcher. I'll also film and you two will play the game."

"What game?" I ask.

"You'll know in a few," Emy says. "Take off your clothes and both of you sit across from each other."

"What if I don't like the game and I don't wanna play it?" Tegan asks.

Emy hesitates when she hears this question coming out of Tegan. She looks at the two of us for a few seconds and then says, "Uhh...I'm not going too far. It won't do something you're not comfortable with. Just be comfortable. All I wanna do is please both of you on your birthdays. Just sit and relax."

We both follow Emy's orders and sit there on our mattress. Emy switches the lights off and keeps us all under the dimness of the red lights coming from our lamps.

"Much better," Tegan whispers.

Emy joins us with two small sheets in her hand and two pieces of dice. She sighs longer than a human would usually sigh and brushes her hair off her shoulder. I stare at her hard nipples but avert my gaze instantly.

"So here is a list of things you're going to do on the green sheet and a list of stuff you're going to use on the red one. You throw these two babies together and if the number says three on the green dice, you choose the option three from the green paper; if the number says five on the red dice, you choose the option five from the red one. Got is?"

"Yes," Tegan says.

"No," I blurt out. I'm so slow, don't they know that!

Emy sighs again.

"Alright, Sara, we can start with you so you can get it. Tegan, you agree with this?"

"I guess," Tegan shrugs. I look into her eyes and I can see how lame this game is just by Tegan's expression. But Emy's trying to do something for us so we just have to give her the chance. I mean, who does that in sex? I'm horny as fuck, I just want my cunt to be fucked right now.

I take a breath and roll the dice. The green one says two and the red one says six. Emy looks at her sheets and laughs. "Alright, Sare," she says. "Two says hump and six says an object of your choice." Tegan's loud laughter fills the room. She points at my scowling face and holds her other hand against her chest. Her legs are shaking while I'm glowering at her.

Emy is smirking as well while patting the camera. I can't believe how fucked up my life is. Since ever, since ever Sara Smith was born, she had to deal with bad luck. But you know what? I'm going to show these motherfuckers.

"Good thing it didn't say a body part. I would have humped your fucking face till you choked," I say to Tegan and she just laughs more because she can never take these silly stuff I say seriously.

I stand up and jump off the bed. I hear Emy asking where am I going and Tegan gives no answer. I look over my shoulder and watch them both looking at me. I throw a smirk at them and go into the closet to fetch something that's going to turn this game into the joke it should be.

When Tegan sees what's in my hand, she gasps rather loudly and covers her mouth. Emy seems confused. Yes, it's that same old teddy bear I once humped and Tegan burst in on me and saw me humping it. I've been hiding it all these years in a huge bag that I told Tegan it has things I wanted to give away. Part of that story is true, this teddy is one of the things I wanted to give away but not anymore. I guess, let's say, it holds some sentimental value to me.

"Since you want me to hump an object, I'm gonna hump this little guy because it's the first thing Tegan saw me hump."

"Wait," Emy says. "It's that teddy?" she yells. I nod. "I got you that for Christmas, you fucking_"

"Hey, hey," I shout back. "I was humping it not wiping the floor with it. It means that it meant something to me and now I'm gonna do that again so shut up or I'm ruining this whole game of yours."

Emy sighs...once again. Tegan is secretly laughing within herself. "Okay. Rule is that you can't come. I say stop when I want you to stop but if you come, you're punished."

I scoff. "And what's the punishment?" Tegan has an eyebrow raised.

Emy looks behind her and bends down to pick something off the floor. Both Tegan and I giggle when we see her butt crack. I admit, we're all acting like little teenagers experimenting for the first time. I guess the alcohol has something to do with it. I hear Emy zipping her backpack before she sits up.

We notice fluffy black furry handcuffs in her hands and a matching blindfold. We laugh at the irony not at her tools. She misunderstands and frowns. But soon enough, she regains her confidence back and says, "Yes. These babies will be used on you till the end of the night and you won't get to come."

"But it's my birthday," I say.

"Rules are rules. Follow them and you'll get to come." She shrugs. Tegan mutters something underneath her breath. I bet this is so immature to her.

"Well, good thing it isn't Tegan's face I'm humping then," I say while straddling the stuffed animal. "Because I take twice longer to come riding this thing." I spread my lips slowly while looking at the nose of the bear. I take a breath and look up to see the camera pointed at me and Tegan's eyes looking intensely at my vulva.

I moan softly when my clit touches the nose and my lips encircle the protruding area beneath me. I begin rocking my hips slowly and notice that the process isn't as fun anymore and doing it without any underwear is quite uncomfortable. There is some pleasure, but the awkwardness of the situation is taking over all that pleasure. I close my eyes to focus on the moment and remember I'm not required to orgasm, therefore I relax and do what I'm told.

"I'm actually making a video for you guys. I'm just gonna film a few scenes."

"Like some porno with clips?" Tegan says. My eyes are still closed. My hips are still moving. My hand is cupping my left breast.

"Kinda," Emy says. I can hear the shyness in her voice. "Just something to remember when you're married and old. You know, we won't be doing this forever, certainly. I just want you to remember how much fun we've had and how life was easier and all."

"Boy, that's a downer," I say with my eyes closed. "Why are you assuming our lives will be hard?" Or us being married? That sounds like a cute idea but I feel like we're never going to get married unless Tegan pops the question and she never will because she's not the marrying type.

"It's not that. I just think that life gets harder when you grow up even if you finally have everything you wished for." I open my eyes to look at her. "You two are growing and I can already see the change. Especially in you." I stop moving my hips and just look at her. "I just want the good moments to be documented."

I look at Tegan. She has a confused look on her face. I resume my movement but I can't get into it anymore because Emy's words just scared the wits out of me.

"Alright. You can stop now." And thank God she knows what she has done. She gives us both a break and walks to the kitchen to get three bottles of water.

"That was interesting," Tegan whispers. I sit next to her; my body is touching hers.

"I think she's breaking up with us," I whisper.

"You think so?" Tegan asks a bit too enthusiastically. I have a feeling she likes the idea. And honestly, I don't blame her.

"Maybe. I mean she's kinda into Amber."

"Yeah," Tegan says. "So, are you still wet?"

"A bit."

Tegan moves her hands to cup my breasts. "I have to get you wet again. You have such a nice pussy, you know. Like, when you spread your cute lips and sat on that thing I was literally dripping. Look!" She knows the exact words that can make me as wet as she wants me to be.

Tegan spreads her legs and makes me look between them. I notice a very small circle of her fluids on the white sheets and laugh softly. "Tomorrow night I have amazing things for you. I will need you to be this wet and even more. This cute little cunt will beg for me."

"Whoa, whoa," Emy says. We look at the door and find her there. Tegan and I blush and my girlfriend removes her hands off my breasts. "Interesting details I've heard."

"Shut up," I say. She hands us a bottle of water each and we drink.

"You got the hang of the game right now, right?" Emy asks. I nod. "Great. Now it's Tegan's turn."

"Okay, I get the game but what's after that? What's the result? Why can't we just have sex?" I ask. Tegan snorts.

"Funny you should ask," Emy says. "Look, it's just something fun. You know, people play games in sex. Doesn't all have to be fuck fuck fuck yahhh." We both laugh at Emy's statement. "And you like teasing. This is basically just a way to tease you till I fuck you both. Wanna get you two real wet."

I am wet enough. Well, now I am after Tegan's words and touches. And Tegan is wet too. I just want us to touch. I want to wrap my hands around her body and love her. I can't wait to do that tomorrow.

Tegan gets the option of licking any body part. She's nice enough to choose my breasts because she knows if she chose my cunt then I will come and Emy will punish me, but then again, if I actually come, I don't need to come again. So either way, I win.

In my other turn, I also get the option of humping, which is not funny at all to me but funny to them. And this time, it's humping a body part. I feel that this game is redundant somehow. I straddle Tegan and decide to scissor her because I know this position never worked for us and it won't work.

This time, Emy films us with her mouth wide open. She's fascinated by the sight. I have to admit that it does fascinate me too because it's all so new when Emy's around and I'm not focusing on the climax part. I guess, after all, this game is fun in some sort of way.

When my clit touches Tegan, my entire body sparkles; I've found the right spot that we have been missing. Tegan moans and closes her eyes. She also arches her back and lightly cups her breast. I look at Emy and the camera and smile.

"This is so wonderful," Emy says. "The kind of thing I wanted to see." She zooms in on our connected cunts and films the way my lips hungrily entangles with Tegan's and the way my clit kisses hers. I bet even the sounds of our connection are loud enough to be heard on the tape.

"You can't come," Emy reminds us once the pleasure decides to build up. "You should stop now." I really don't want to stop but I sigh and fall off, landing next to Tegan, whose eyes are now wide open and staring straight ahead.

"Holy fuck," she says. I watch her throat when she swallows. I think I know what's making her feel this ecstatic; it's me topping her like that. I haven't done that in awhile and I bet she misses it. I feel like a terrible girlfriend. I've been playing the pillow princess for quite awhile and I just noticed it yesterday when she showed me the toy.

"Alright," Emy says. "Now it's your turn, Teetee. Get up." She reaches out for Tegan's hand and pulls her slowly up.

To my amazing, wonderful, Sara Smith luck, Tegan has to finger me because she got the option of fingering a body part. She offered to do Emy but Emy said no; it has to be me.

Her beautiful two digits do not only feel great inside, but they're also too cold and it feels strangely wonderful against my hot, creamy walls. I guess this is it. I guess with one more thrust I will come.

I close my eyes, trying to pretend that I did not come, but Emy notices and laughs. "Oh, you did. You fucking did."

"That's not fair," I say. "Everything is happening to me. Of course I'm going to come."

"You didn't even last for three minutes."

Tegan jumps on Emy all of a sudden. Emy shrieks. Tegan takes the camera and turns it off while straddling Emy. I'm only watching on the bed. They are lying there upside down. Tegan places the camera on the floor and then looks at Emy. "You're going to shut the fuck up and stop your stupid game right now because this is our birthday and we'll do what we want to do. Okay, babe?" And before Emy gets a chance to speak, Tegan kisses her the most animalisitc kiss I've seen Tegan perform. When they pull away, I literally can see fear in Emy's eyes.

Tegan knows better not to do these things with Emy. We both are very gentle with her and right now I feel like Tegan's pushing it. I call Tegan's name loudly and she turns around looking at me.

She gets it immediately. One look and she understands that she went too far with these few words she said. She turns around and strokes Emy's cheeks lightly then pecks her plump lips.

"Get up, Em," I say. "Lie here." I pat the area in the middle between our pillows. I drag my own pillow and put it there. Emy does so without anything to say. We have to be gentle and careful with Emy. Even when I used to date her, I wouldn't do anything that might be too far unless I'm sure she's okay with it. And mostly, we didn't do much because I was very self-conscious and shy back then. The threesome we once had made her see what Tegan can do and she did not like that. Then she was aware that her body did not respond well to such type of sex and we were aware of that. She did like trying few things and she and Tegan did that, but Tegan was always tender and gentle with her.

"We want to have a full threesome, Em," Tegan says with a quiet timbre. "Is that okay with you?"

"Yes," Emy says. It has been a long time since we all got together at the same time. It's usually two people doing it and one filming or watching or masturbating.

"So since I already came, I'm going to take my punishment and not be touched again," I say. "But, I want to penetrate you with any dildo you choose. Is that okay?" Tegan looks at me the entire time I talk to Emy.

"Yes, sure." Emy smiles. Her cheeks are millions of shades darker than they usually are. I lean in to kiss her lips and pull away to find Tegan smiling. I smile at my girlfriend and take a few steps to the toys box. "Tegan," I hear Emy say, "sit on my face." I look up at both of them and we all laugh. "No, seriously. I wanna eat you out."

"My clit just partied hearing that," Tegan comments.

"We are so inappropriate. What are we gonna tell our kids later in life?" I say.

"Sara, our kids won't have to know about that. Of course we won't tell them that," Tegan says. She's slowly straddling Emy's face.

"Sara, I want the small pink one," Emy says.

That's such a small one. It's one of those dildos you'd use on someone the first time because they're too scared it's going to hurt. First time I fucked Emy with one, we used the old blue dildo and it was bigger than this one. But I don't say anything and just pick whatever Emy wants.

"But, like, imagine if our kids found these tapes?" Emy says.

Tegan moans because Emy's breaths are hitting her pussy.

"We'll hide those with the sex toys. They won't find them," I say, walking back to the mattress.

Tegan lets out a whiny sound and closes her eyes. "Please," she says breathlessly. "Just shut up you too. I need your tongue, Emy. Come on."

How I love when Tegan begs. I haven't seen that in awhile. I haven't made her beg at all. I have to do that tomorrow. I have to take the lead even if she fought against it and wanted to top like she always did.

**...**

Emy falls asleep few minutes after her orgasm. Tegan and I clean the toys and put everything away and then both lie down next to Emy, on Tegan's side. I hold her closely and kiss her face, wishing her a happy birthday as I notice it's past twelve. She squirms and buries her face in my neck.

I wake up to faint sounds and gentle whispering. I cover my head with a pillow and groan because I need to continue my sleep but the voices keep getting louder. I hear laughter and more words said. Then I feel hands running up and down my thighs and I shiver. I groan again and the voices become clear; Emy and Tegan are awake and laughing.

I turn around with eyes barely open and see their faces staring at me. Emy's sitting next to my body, with her hands on my thighs, and Tegan is fully dressed, with her camera aimed at my nude skin.

"Morning, Sasa," Tegan says.

I groan again.

"Were you having a sex dream?" Emy asks. I feel my legs slowly pulled apart and feel Emy's fingers between them. A moan escapes my lips. I guess I really was having a sex dream. I can't remember it but I have hints of it in my head. "You were rocking your hips and moaning. You're so wet."

Tegan also uses her finger to inspect. She moans while scooping some of my juices. She moans again after licking them. "I don't want you to fuck my girlfriend while I'm at work," Tegan tells Emy after she puts down the camera.

"Yes, ma'am." Emy stands up and gives Tegan a peck. "Happy birthday," she says.

"Thank you." Tegan looks at me and winks. I look at both of them with the thoughts of sex making my brain unable to function. It was kind of cruel to touch my vulva without giving me what I want. "When are you leaving for work?" Tegan looks at me while asking our friend.

"In an hour. I'll just go shower first." I close my eyes again and almost fall back asleep until I get kissed by Tegan. I open them and smile at her.

"Happy birthday," I tell her again while fixing her collars.

"Be a good girl," she whispers and then kisses my cheek.

I have no idea what that means but it's probably one of her ways of teasing. Once she's gone, Emy hops on the bed beside me. I chortle as I hear her long contented sigh.

"Last night was awesome," she says.

"You liked it?" I ask. She hums in response. "You liked me fucking you?"

"It reminded me of the old times. I missed your special touches. You know exactly where to touch me. I love the way Tegan does it but you're just so good at it. Even though it had been so long since you last did that to me, I still really love it."

"You still think I'm talented in that?" I ask

"Yes." She chuckles. "Still pro. Don't worry about tonight. I know what you're scared of."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," she says. "Look, I think you need to balance the sex in your life."

"She complained, didn't she?" I turn around to look at Emy.

"She didn't. She was just casually talking about how long ago she'd been topped by you the other week. Just casually saying it because we were talking about top, bottom. Yeah."

"Oh, God." I sigh. "I'm a terrible girlfriend."

"You're not," Emy says. "You're just lazy." She slaps my ass and gets up. I moan loudly when I feel the same tingling in my parts.

"Emy," I whine. "I can't take it," I whisper.

"Yes, you can." I watch her sit between my spread legs. "Shit, you're like...wow." Her eyelashes flutter while looking at my crotch. She leans down and pecks my clit and I swear I feel it jump. My heart jumps with it. "You're a mess. Your pussy is...beautiful. I mean, it's begging for something but Tegan said I can't touch you so I won't. Just help yourself while I'm in the shower...and be a good girl." She winks after repeating what my girlfriend said.

Am I a bad girl?

But anyway, I don't touch myself. I just sit there with my legs wide open and my hand on my head and my thoughts wandering everywhere. Well, I have to get up, eventually. I have to shower, change the sheets, do some cleaning, talk to mum, bake a cake, arrange everything that I need to use, and look good for Tegan. I feel so lazy and so tired and I wish I'd just lie here all day long, but I have to do these things for her. At least I have to make today good for her and forget about me.

I spot the furry handcuffs and the blindfold on the dresser and quickly get up. As I am examining them, Emy enters the room with new clothes and a fresh face. "You took care of yourself?" she asks with a hint of playful mockery in her tone.

"No," I answer honestly. "Umm, can I borrow these for tonight?" I ask.

"Sure." She walks up to me. "But...she has to say okay first, you know that?"

"I don't want anything rough and strange." God, I'm too boring. "I mean," I say, looking at my underwear drawer. I open it quickly and pull out the new dildo I've bought yesterday morning. "I want to use this one on her and I want her hands to be tied and her eyes to be closed so she can focus on the pleasure."

Emy's brow wrinkles as she studies the neon yellow toy in my hand. "Don't you think that's too big for her?"

"Uh, yes. I mean...no. Look, I think she can take it."

"You have to make sure first before you do anything. You can't use it with her unable to see. She has to say it's okay first."

I huff. "I know."

"It's funny how now you can take things like these and we both can't. I mean, maybe she can, I don't know what you guys try but let me tell you the truth, you're way more...open to these than her."

"I'm way more loose than her," I say, rolling my eyes.

"No." Emy guffaws. "It's natural that with growing up and using these things often, you would accept them inside more. She told me that you always get penetrated, everytime you guys have sex." I should remind her that just because Emy sleeps with us, it doesn't mean that she can know every detail that happens here. I stopped telling Emy about our fights a long time ago following her wish, therefore she needs to stop telling her about our sex life. I'll talk to her later, not today; I don't want to upset her today.

"Do you think I can take that?" I ask.

"I guess," she says. "I don't know. Why don't you try it on yourself first? Just see how it works." Emy picks up her backpack from the ground. "I'm gonna take the camera and I'll get it back tomorrow. You won't need it tonight, right?"

"No," I say, still studying the phallus and the handcuffs.

I'm extremely anxious and worried. I'm also horny.

I decide not to put any clothes on and enjoy my nudity since I am home alone. Tegan said it's reviving to do everything while wearing nothing. I admit, it's rather refreshing, but also extremely arousing. I was never one of those who got aroused by their own image. I need someone nude in front of me or in my mind in order to be turned on. But watching my breasts move with me and feeling my sticky lips imprisoning my juices between my thighs when I sit make me experience new areas of pleasure tingling inside.

I have my breakfast on the sofa, in the living room. I touch my breasts every few seconds and feel my pussy releasing very thick juices on the sofa. I can't even worry about that because the sight is breathtaking.

Eventually, I film myself with my own camera; my hands brushing my soft skin, my legs wide open, my pussy lips spread with need, my clit swollen and red, my fingers stroking the wetness and tweaking my nipples, and my eyes hooded and my mouth open.

I tease myself with the dildo I bought for Tegan. I pull it up to rub my clit with it and then drag it down to feed my hole. The more I push the better it feels. But I don't push in right away; I continue the motion of going up and down. Whenever I'm down I push more then pull out and go up to my clit once again. In order to balance the feeling in my entire body, I attach the clamps from two nights ago to my nipples.

Everything is being filmed for my girlfriend later to see.

I moan exaggeratedly when I push it all the way in. It's big, bigger than anything I've taken. I feel too full and too good. My eyes can't open because the feeling is just overwhelming. And when I start to pull then push again, I feel like I just want big arms wrapped around me, holding me well, kissing my body with tender words and soft touches.

I grab my phone and dial Emy. I don't know why my digits find her name first, but they do, and she picks up and I moan before saying anything. She thinks something is wrong, but with every fuck I say, she understands what I'm doing.

"Sara, I'm at work. This is inappropriate," I hear her whispering.

"This toy is so good, so good. I need to come."

Emy laughs. "You're trying it?"

"Ahh, yes." I squeeze my eyes shut. "Oh, fuck. Make me come."

"It's between your pussy lips?"

"Mmmm."

"You're fucking yourself with it?"

"Yeah."

"How hard and how fast?"

"Very hard and fast," I scream when I hit a very tender spot inside.

"What about your clit?"

I moan in response.

"Touch it. Circle it. Make yourself come."

I do as she tells me. I look at the camera, bite my lips, and scream. My phone is on speaker so even this, Tegan can hear. I'm not sure if it will make her angry or not, but I hope it won't. She and Emy did have sex together while I was out once. I didn't mind it because I was sick those few weeks and was too tired to give Tegan anything.

"Good girl," Emy whispers.

I moan while sucking the yellow dildo, dragging my tongue across it and licking every part I stained.

"Fuck," Emy whispers. "Now I need to take care of myself."

"Go away," I say then end the call quickly. I smile and sigh with relief at the camera before ending the recording.

But fun time has to be over and my laziness has to diminish, therefore I put on boxers and a shirt and start cleaning the small place I live in. I clean all the sex toys that we have used and have not for the second time because I always do that for hygiene purposes. After all that, I hop into the shower and clean myself well after shaving. I make sure to use the body wash and shampoo that Tegan prefers and not the ones I prefer. It's all about her today.

After that, I put on my nice turquoise lace undies and bra that Tegan got me a few months ago and dress my person the nicest way possible for her. My hair is a horrible mess that I call a mullet went too wrong. Now I have one side kind of shaved off but the other is still showing the old mullet. Tegan's hair is better. She's been taking care of it while I'm just messing it all up everytime I go to the hairdresser.

After I put the cake in the oven to bake it, I video call my mother like I do twice a week.

"What?" Joy responds. Actually, a scary person that looks like my sister Joy responds. And I only know it's Joy because Lucifer is sitting on her lap, playing with her fingers. Also, because of that mean octave she has been using a lot lately.

I have no idea who that is anymore. Dark clothes, dark hair with lime green strikes that my dad almost had a heart attack when he saw, dark nail polish, dark lipstick, dark eyeliner, and a darker, much, much darker soul.

"I want to talk to mum," I say to my emo thirteen year old sister.

"I'm using her computer. I have homework."

"Why don't you use yours?" I ask. Lucifer is meowing too loudly, trying to reach to me through the camera. I miss that little guy. Well, he's so not little anymore.

"Because she fucking took it," Joy yells.

"Why did she take it?" I ask.

My mum appears, however. She takes Lucifer from Joy's hands and says, "Why don't you tell her, Joy?"

"For fuck's sake I can't believe you think she hasn't watched porn at my age. You're so naive." My eyes widen, and by widen, I mean they really, really are about to fucking jump out of my face.

"Sara was very innocent your age." Only because the internet barely existed and she hasn't caught me reading (not watching) porn. Poor mum, she's so naive.

"Mum, just let her watch porn. It's better than performing it."

"What?" My mum yells.

"I mean, better than having sex?" I scratch the back of my head. "Okay, that's not why I'm here. Like, eww, please, keep me out of this."

My mother laughs while petting Lucifer, who is purring with his eyes half open. "What's up, honey?"

"Other than the fact that my life is so boring and pointless and I'm too lazy, nothing. Today's Tegan's birthday and I just baked a cake and I'm going to make the dressing in a bit and I have no idea how to make the night romantic enough but not too romantic, you get me?"

My mother sighs. I repeat the same scenario each time we talk. Yes, my life is boring and pointless. If I stay like this I'm going to lose it. "Your dad says why don't you learn how to drive?"

"You know too well I hate driving."

"You didn't eve try it," Mum says.

"I just hate it. I don't like it. I'm scared of it."

"Okay," she says. "Since you're so interested in cooking right now why don't you take some classes?"

"And till when I'm just gonna stay like this? Jobless and doing nothing? I've been reading, doing researches, posting things online, reading so much about psychology, and improving myself, but I just can't find a job. Mum, it's me, it's my fucking personality that's standing in my way."

"There's nothing wrong with your personality," Mum says. "Stop putting yourself down. I bet you give them the impression that something is wrong with you and I have no idea who the fuck put that in your head. Does Tegan imply that?"

"No," I exclaim. "Of course not. She's so supportive and is as surprised as me."

"Well, then..." My mum cuts her own sentence off and says, "Oh, right, your dad says he can get you a job at a school here. He has lots of friends."

I never wanted to rely on my father to give me everything, especially a job, but if Tegan is doing that, then I believe there's nothing wrong with me wanting that. "What about Tegan? I can't leave her." And that is a problem.

"Sara, we're doing everything. All of us. You need to do things too. Think about it. Talk it out with Tegan. She has this year left, so talk to her about the options and make up your mind and don't let her make it up for you." I hate when she implies that Tegan is the one who decides for us. That's true with some things but false with many other. We both work together in this relationship. She can be more bossy and pragmatic; but when I say something, she doesn't have to hear it twice from me to do it. "I don't wanna upset you, sweetie," my mum says again when I don't answer. "Are you and Tegan going out?" she changes the subject.

"No," I say. "We went out yesterday and the day before. We just want a nice evening by ourselves here. I just..." I blush, not knowing how to continue. "I don't know how to make it worthy and romantic."

"Ohhhhh." She laughs. "I get you." I can't believe I'm asking my mother for an advice. I am so lame. "Have you ever tried candles? Cheesy, maybe, but they are romantic." She raises an eyebrow.

"No, I haven't." I'm not even sure she likes these things but a change won't hurt.

"Be soft. Be gentle. I don't have to teach you, Sara." Shame is crawling through my entire body at this moment.

"No, you don't." I giggle. "I know, I know. I just feel nervous because it's important for me to make everything good for her the way she did for me."

"Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out. You're 27 now." She gives me that look with her eyes; the look that says that a woman my age should be well-experienced in everything, not just sex or relationships. In other words, she makes me feel old.

**...**

"It's very cold outside," Tegan says as she enters our room. "I think I'm getting sick. My throat hurts...whoa." I see my girlfriend looking around; candles lit all around the room. The toys I want to use are on the mattress with the handcuffs and the blindfold. I'm standing there in my lingerie and there's very soft sensual music I have played for us. I kept the volume low so we can also hear each other. "Wow, Sara, wow." I know she's speechless and it makes me so happy to see her eyes twinkle in darkness. "First a yummy cake and a nice dinner and now this?"

"I just want everything to be perfect for you tonight. I feel like I haven't been taking care of you lately and I want to do that," I say as I walk up to her.

"Baby, you're perfect the way you are. I don't need anything." I know she's just saying that because she's my girlfriend and she loves me but I also know she's so excited at the moment; her eyes can't stay away from the toys on the mattress.

Once I get Tegan out of her clothes and help her rest on the mattress, I sit next to her and take a deep breath. I want it all to be slow and good for her. "I want to try new things if you allow me." She looks at the toys again and nods. "I bought this just yesterday and I have to tell you the truth, I kinda did try it today to see if it would be good or not. I don't want to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable." I hold the yellow dildo in my hands.

"So you weren't a good girl today after all." She chortles.

"No. And I am never a good girl." I give her a wink and then a kiss. "Teetee?"

"Hmm." She's looking with so much devotion into my eyes.

"I love you so much," I whisper.

"I love you, too," she says.

"Is it okay if I handcuff you and blindfold you and fuck you well?" She nods without saying a word. "Is it okay if we use the new butt plug you've gotten?" She nods again. "Is it okay if I have rough, but nice sex with you tonight?"

"I want you to be the older person, Sara. I miss that. I want you to do to me whatever you want to do."

I kiss her again.

"Baby," I say, "I am the older person and will always be that even when I act like I am not." I lick her lower lip sensually and slowly till she begins to squirm underneath the strong grip I have on her arms.


	18. Chapter 18

**Trigger warning: Sexual abuse, violence, anal sex, light BDSM.**

* * *

**Tegan**

Sometimes I despise the fact that Sara and I are still sleeping with Emy. Sometimes I miss it when Emy doesn't share our bed for a long time. I can't decide. It gets harder with the years. I just want to be in a normal relationship, but then again, where's the fun in that? I know I'm different and I embrace that difference and have embraced it since ever. I'm proud of the fact I made Sara more comfortable in her skin. Now she's the one who is more sexually flexible than I am. She wants to try new things and isn't scared or shy to reveal herself fully to me. The new Sara I have shaped is different from the Sara I knew two years ago. Sometimes I do miss that Sara, but then I see two red cheeks and a sheepish smile while I'm touching her and I'm relieved to see she's still there. Sometimes I wish Sara would be her sarcastic, rude self again, competing with me and challenging me. Now I do all the work while she lazes around and waits to be given everything.

I do like our domesticity but I do not like how co-dependent Sara is. She can find a job easily if she actually searches well. She doesn't like it when I interfere. She doesn't like it when I talk about the future or jobs or anything that has to do with a career. I know the entire idea of graduating is scary, but she's not young and she graduated a year ago. I can't convince her nor talk to her about it because it upsets her.

I am thankful I have a plan. I am also thankful she wants to go through it with me. I don't want to fill her in on what my father has told me right now because I don't want her to freak out. Everything in its time will be better. I'll just work hard this year and graduate with honors and then my life will actually begin and become even better from there. I am thankful for what I have but I always want more because that's who I am.

"Morning," Emy whispers, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look at the mattress from my place on the chair in the corner my my room. Emy's up, stretching and yawning. I smile and take one last sip of my coffee before getting up. "You're already leaving?"

"I have a class," I whisper. I look at my girlfriend's sleeping body then back at Emy's form. I don't enjoy the fact that I'm going to leave them alone in this state. I am jealous and my jealousy kills me even when we're all three sharing the bed; one other factor why I don't want Emy to be with us at times.

Emy walks up to me and faces me. Her small, pale hand reaches for the collar of my shirt, fixing it. She laughs softly as she unbuttons the first three buttons and buttons them again correctly. "You missed a button." She's about to kiss me when we hear the strangest type of moan from Sara. We both look at the mattress and Sara's there moving and moaning in her sleep.

My eyes widen unconsciously. I walk up there and Emy follows. "Is she having a sex dream?" I say.

"I think so," Emy whispers.

Sara squeals and we both laugh. Emy's hand brushes my girlfriend's thighs after my girlfriend throws her blanket off her body. I grab my camera and switch it on, filming Sara and laughing with Emy.

Sara opens her eyes, squinting at us in confusion. We laugh once again.

"Morning, Sasa," I say. She groans.

"Were you having a sex dream?" Emy asks. She parts Sara's legs. I focus my lens on her wet vulva. I can't get turned on right now; I have a class that I need to go to. "You were rocking your hips and moaning. You're so wet."

I dip inside her slit, feeling the saturation of her pussy. I lift my index up and taste her morning wetness. My need kicks in and my jealousy rivals with my logic. I look at Emy and feel myself sick. I don't want to leave them alone. I don't want them to be like this together. I don't want them to do anything together.

"I don't want you to fuck my girlfriend while I'm at work," I mouth my condition because I can't hold it in.

"Yes, ma'am." Emy stands up, pecking my lips and wishing me a happy birthday. I forgot it's my birthday. Emy smiles at me, assuring me nothing that my head is thinking of will happen. Maybe I attacked her or was too defensive, but sometimes I can't control it.

"Thank you," I say after clearing my throat. I look at Sara, winking at her, letting Emy know she's mine and mine only. "When are you leaving for work?" I ask Emy while still looking at Sara.

"In an hour. I'll just go shower first." I don't even let Emy finish. I walk up to my girlfriend and kiss her pink lips. She looks peaceful and relaxed while I'm tensed and angry inside.

"Happy birthday," Sara says, fixing my collars. I'm starting to think I should have ironed my shirt before wearing it.

"Be a good girl," I whisper to her and kiss her heated left cheek. If she's smart enough she'll get what I mean without having to voice it. There's a limit and Emy is crossing it right now and it's bothering me.

Class after class and the time passes by slower than ever. I get random birthday wishes from random people I don't even know...or maybe I do but I never paid attention to them. It's the joy of being a senior, hot, and charming like myself.

Sonia and Stephen call to wish me a happy birthday. Jeremy calls too, telling me he's sending me all episodes of_ Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ on DVD as a gift. I've always wanted those, so my screeching excitement makes everyone at the cafe look at me.

The last phone call is my least favorite because it does not hold any present...also because it is Emy telling me what Sara has done.

"I know you're upset. She just called like that. I don't think she thought you minded at all," Emy says.

"I'm not upset," I lie. "I'm just surprised she called you."

"You are upset," Emy says. "I know you too well now. You have every right to be upset. She didn't know, Tegan. I promise you."

"I guess."

"I think she didn't call you because she has something planned for you and because you had classes."

"I know she has something planned for me. She told me," I say. I serve a customer the Caramel Macchiato I was making and she thanks me. I smile at her and take my next order.

"Yes." Emy pauses and says something to Amber that I can't hear well.

"Here you go," I hand the tea to a guy. He's the last one I have to serve before my shift is taken by another woman. Now I have to run to my internship.

"Alright, sorry," Emy says. "I was helping Amber with something. Anyway, I don't want to ruin what she has prepared but she bought a toy and asked me if you'll like something like that and I told her that she should at least try it on herself first, which is what she did, and she called me saying it was so good...while using it and that's what happened. I was even busy with work. Like, it was not pure phone sex. You get it, right?"

Sometimes I feel that Emy is scared of me, which I don't like. I am not scary. She doesn't act like that around Sara, only around me. She shivers and trembles around me. She obeys me and tries not to get me angry. I am not scary. I do not bite nor hit nor yell. Yes, I am bossy, but I am not abusive or angry and she always makes me feel like I am.

"It's okay, Em." I sigh, walking in the chilly breeze of September. "It's no big deal. We've had sex together without her, too."

"Oh, yes." Emy chuckles nervously.

"It's not your fault. Don't worry about it." I try to reassure her. "I'm not angry at any of you. I swear." And I am not. I am just a bit upset. I just want to have a normal relationship at this point.

I relax more in the following hours. I drink a nice cup of coffee and Sara calls me to see how everything is going. She tells me she has things waiting for me and she wants me home soon. My boss, also, wishes me a happy birthday, and tells me I am doing a great job. I think all of these make me relax and feel much better.

When I walk inside our apartment, I smell the most delicious smell ever. And it is not the food that is making my stomach growl, but it is the radiant scent of my beautiful girlfriend. I think it's a new perfume. She smells so sweet and so refreshing. I am not even sure what's that scent, but it just makes me want to bury my face in her neck and kiss her.

Sara greets me with a soft kiss and takes off my jacket. She brushes my hair and fixes my collars. I kiss her again when I realize I am flooded in her love.

"I hope tonight will be a great night for you," Sara whispers, taking my hand in hers and leading me towards the kitchen. "I tried my best to make it special. I'm sorry I am not the best at things, but I tried." Her cheeks begin to redden.

"Don't say that." I don't like it when she feels like she can't do anything good. I look at the kitchen table. A beautiful handmade cake is in the middle. The white and green dressing looks so good. "Happy birthday, Teetee" is engraved on the cake. Not only that, but Sara has actually cooked something that needs time and effort to cook. She made the special pepper steak that my mum makes. I heard her taking the recipe last week. I did not figure out she was going to actually make it for real. I mean, Sara's pretty lazy when it comes to anything, making food is no exception. But, she made a cake and steak with chicken salad. That's like a new level of improvement.

"Okay, wow," I say. "And you doubt yourself? Sasa, you made me my favorite food and a beautiful cake." I cover my mouth with my hand and gasp. I see her beautiful smile and feel the love filling my heart.

I scan her entire body. Her white shirt is tucked inside her tight jeans and her hair looks neat and nice. I love the shaved side, it makes her look so androgynous and I love it when she looks like that. The swell of her breasts and the curve of her hips are the only thing feminine about her entire appearance and they add a very nice touch. I know she wants to touch me tonight, and I do want it, too, but I really just want to ravish her at this moment. As she ages, she gets hotter; and I just wonder each day where did I go right to get such a hot, loyal, and beautiful girlfriend. Without her, I'm nothing. I know that without her I'm nothing.

"I'd do anything for you, Tegan," she tells me.

We eat and kiss and she sings me a happy birthday and I blow my candles and make a wish that she'll be the one beside me forever. I don't want another woman. I know I can't love another woman. I know she's the only person I can love. She's the first person I loved and I know I won't love another. The thought of her falling out of love makes me scared. I try not to think about it but it pops up in my brain at times. The fact she likes Emy to share our bed makes me scared. I try my best to be the perfect girlfriend. I'm going to try to give her everything so she can always love me and be with me because without her, I am nothing.

I go to the bathroom (after we finish our dinner) to pee. Sara says she'll wait in the room. My excitement is making my stomach ache and I've never felt that at all. I'm Tegan, I don't feel that.

She didn't mention the Emy phone call at all and I didn't. I'll talk to her about it, but not tonight. Tonight is for us to be together and enjoy each other like normal girlfriends.

I skip to my bedroom shivering. "It's very cold outside," I comment as soon as I open the door to my room. "I think I'm getting sick. My throat hurts...Whoa." I pause my thoughts, comments, and steps as soon as my eyes fall on my girlfriend's glowing skin. I blink twice to make sure it's not a dream.

It is not!

I see candles. I hear soft music—music without lyrics . I look at the toys on the mattress and then my eyes gaze at Sara's beautiful body. "Wow, Sara, wow." I have obviously lost the the ability of speech.

When Sara said she's preparing something, I did expect sex. I only expected sex, however. I did not expect all of this. "First a yummy cake and a nice dinner and now this?" I ask with a high tone. I'm very excited.

"I just want everything to be perfect for you tonight. I feel like I haven't been taking care of you lately and I want to do that," Sara says.

"Baby, you're perfect the way you are. I don't need anything." Okay, that's cheesy. But, I really love her the way she is. Yes, she's lazy and sometimes she gets on my nerves and I wish she'd just gain a bit of self-confidence and believe in herself, but I love her so much.

Sara touches my shoulders and I see a little chuckle escaping her lips. She begins undressing me slowly and I stare into her eyes as she does it. Her small hands unbutton one button after the other and then they move to my pants, unbuckling my belt. I help her by pushing my pants down and pulling my legs out of the holes. She helps me take off my sports bra and I take off my panties alone. I shaved for her this morning, but comparing my mound and hers, it seem as if I have tried shaving for the first time. I suck at this thing. It's like I have a shaved half and an unshaved half and it's just messy. I see her little smirk but it disappears when our eyes meet.

Sara and I sit on our bed and I look at the toys again. "I want to try new things if you allow me," Sara says. "I bought this yesterday and I have to tell you the truth, I kinda did try it today to see if it would be good or not. I don't want to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable." I look at the yellow dildo. I'm not sure if I should laugh or not. She said half of what happened and I am glad about that. But I am imagining this thing inside of her right now and I want to laugh. This fucking dildo is big as fuck and the color is just absurd.

"So you weren't a good girl after all," I finally say and finally laugh at her.

"No. And I am never a good girl." She winks and kisses me. That tease. My lovely little tease. "Teetee?" I hum as I look into her adorable, innocent eyes. "I love you so much," she whispers.

"I love you, too."

"Is it okay if I handcuff you and blindfold you and fuck you well?" I give her a nod. My body is already preparing itself for her touches. I am already heated because of her words. "Is it okay if we use the new butt plug you've gotten?" A little confidence; she needs a little confidence. "Is it okay if I have rough, but nice sex with you tonight?" Oh God, yes.

"I want you to be the older person, Sara. I miss that. I want you to do whatever you want to do." Even though I'm probably going to end up exhausted and sore tonight, I don't mind it because my body misses her dominance insanely.

Sara surprises me with a sudden hungry kiss.

"Baby," she says with a lower octave, her lips still brushing my own, "I am the older person and will always be that even when I act like I am not." She licks my lower lip and I start to feel my juices making a puddle on the sheets. Yes, this is the Sara that my body has been craving.

She pushes me down and my head lands just below my pillow. I shudder a little when I feel her wet lips crushing my own, making me lose my consciousness and sway into a land full of lust and love. Her tongue moves gently but fiercely against mine. She does not let me do much and I believe this is a side I have yet to witness. It's as if she had practiced what she is doing now.

My hand tries to take a hold of her right breast when I feel its heaviness against my barbell, but she takes a rough hold of my wrist and pushes my hands back above my head. She straddles my hips and her lips curl upward as she sits there looking into my eyes.

"It's not you who does the touching tonight," she says. "And if you do, I'm gonna have to do more than just tie you up and blindfold you."

"Oh, yeah?" I ask, the left corners of my lips and left eye rise up as I watch my girlfriend being teased with words. I know I have just dared her and I know this is not good for me, but I don't mind.

"Are you challenging me?" She tilts her head to the side as I nod, giving her a daring smile.

Sara does not perform any of the fantasies that have just flashed in my mind right this second when I dared her—choking me; twisting my wrists and taping my mouth; turning me around and fucking me so hard from behind while I can't see nor speak—she only starts moving her feminine hips slowly and teasingly that I feel the drenched crotch of her thong on top of my mound, right above my crying clit. And this is how I know Sara is actually going to torture the fuck out of me the way she used to do two years ago.

Her small hand moves to her right breast. She starts kneading the flesh and I stare as wonder and heat invade my body. By now I want to slap every candle on the bedside tables and all over the room because my frustration is making me even more heated. I feel my core aching for something to fill it and so I turn my head to eye the yellow dildo, not caring anymore that it's probably too big for me. I want to be opened as much as Sara can open me and I want it to hurt in the pleasurable kind of way because it is hurting so much now in the needy kind of way that I am not enjoying. Now Sara is pinching her nipple after she has taken her boob out of her bra, and I can feel my own nipples being pinched due to the thirst I am in.

I let out a whimper escape me and Sara pauses her movement. I can see wickedness stretched all over her face. "Please, Sara," I whisper.

Sara giggles. She gets off me and looks between my legs. Less than a second passes before I feel her finger rushing inside with the quickest speed, making my thoughts halt and my breath hitch. "So soaked," she says.

"It's my birthday," I whisper again, a bit uncertain. I give her a small pout hoping she'll have mercy on my cunt and just fuck the shit out of it already.

"Awww," she says. She's not even sarcastic, she actually says it sweetly. She also lowers her head and gives me a small kiss on the lips. I sigh in content after it because her kisses give me a sense of small relief. "On all fours, now." I open my eyes and peer at her with a startled gaze. "Now," she says loudly. The sudden dominance gives me a rush and I am on all fours in less than a second.

"Right cheek on the pillow and I want you to look to your side with your fingers interlaced on the pillow, above your head." I do what she tells me. I have a trouble understanding what she wants me to do with my hands so she takes my arms roughly, interlaces my fingers and handcuffs my wrists. I can already feel how uncomfortable this position is. In all honesty, I feel like a roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. I feel my butt hole exposed to the air and feel my other hole dripping on the mattress. I take the last look at Sara before she blindfolds me, and pray that I am not getting myself into something I'm not comfortable with.

"If you want me to stop doing anything, tell me. But...don't be a pussy." Sara laughs at her own joke as I feel my pussy getting slapped at the same time. My juices make a weird sound when she slaps me and I feel my cheeks becoming red. I have never given Sara that position, ever, simply because she has never fucked me like that. She rarely even fucks me with a strapon. It's Emy who has seen most of this, and I kind of feel less comfortable with Sara looking closely at my butt hole, solely because she's my girlfriend. I do not give a fuck about what Emy thinks but I do care about what Sara thinks.

"Relax," Sara says very calmly. I think she can sense my nerves. Well, I am kind of tensed up, contracting my muscles, sucking in my stomach, and trying not to give Sara any view she did not sign up for. I take a breath and nod. I can't see anything, which is making it very hard for me to relax.

But soon enough I start to feel Sara's fingers grazing my thighs. Her touch is gentle but when you can't see anything, you focus on the feeling and just this feeling is making everything in me clench and quiver, which is only making me more nervous because I have no idea how that dildo will feel inside of me.

I start to hear light buzzing. Another sense that's heightened because I can't see, is my hearing. I know it's very light but I can hear the small toy closely and I can feel it getting there to where I wanted it to be just two nights before. I take a deep breath but soon gasp when I feel the cold jelly-like substance on my hole. I try not to make any sound as I feel Sara's shy finger there, probing and feeling around. I feel the heat climb up to my entire face and feel myself exposed in new ways. A part of me wants to cry because I'm not used to it; another part of me is feeling a sudden rush and wants the intensity to rise even more.

Then I feel Sara start pushing the small toy inside. This is how I know she's as nervous as I am. She's very careful and I can feel her shaky hand, and I can also sense her hesitation. She has a palm over one ass cheek while her other finger is pushing the plug inside.

"Sara," I say.

"Yes?" I hear a very soft voice.

"You're doing it right. Keep pushing. It gets pretty easy inside in this position. I'm not even sure it can stay in. It's kinda...small."

What the fuck did I just say? Who says that?

I want to slap my own self but my hands are tied. I just groan internally at the random stupidity that left my mouth and hear my girlfriend's innocent laugh.

I admit, feeling the vibration in my ass is not as bad as I thought. It's not better than feeling it on my clit but it is still a good feeling because it's making my clit jerk and beg for attention.

"How are you doing?" Sara asks.

"Good."

"Are you ready?"

"For the..."

"The dildo, yes," Sara finishes for me.

"Mhm."

I am very wet and my pussy hole needs attention, but when she asked me about the phallus just now, my heart started racing with the fear of getting hurt.

I start taking deep breaths as soon as I feel the head poking my entrance. Sara does not go in right away; she glides the mushroom head up and down between my slit, pushing gently on my clit and going back to my entrance, pushing so slowly in and then pulling out. She repeats the action a few times that I start to think she thinks I can't take it. Before I can open my mouth, I feel her digits on my clit. She begins rotating the button quickly, and as I focus my attention on that pleasure, I feel the thickness of the toy fill me in with one hard and quick thrust from Sara, making me moan loudly.

She stays there for a minute, rubbing my clit and feeling up the juices on my labia. I feel slight dizziness because I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of one thing buzzing in my ass and one thing too big for me in my cunt. I do not feel much pleasure when she lets go of my clit. In fact, I feel small stings and soreness that make me whimper. My hands are sweaty and I want to let go and grab the pillow, but I have no idea what Sara has done that I can't untangle my fingers to hold something.

"Are you okay?" Sara asks.

"Yeah," I answer with a sharp breath leaving my mouth.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Can I start?"

"Yes, Sara." I'm hoping the pain will switch back to pleasure when she starts thrusting.

"You know when to stop me and what to say, babe."

"I know," I assure her, already feeling her move slowly.

A rhythm starts happening. The soft, sensual music and the melody of my juices and the buzzing of the other toy all move in a strange sync with Sara's quick thrusts. I feel my brow wet with perspiration and feel my entire chest heated. I can even hear my heart beating along with everything that's going on in the room. I can smell the fire of the candles. I can smell the juices of my cunt. I can feel every little touch. If Sara touched any part of my skin, I feel it ten times more than another person can feel it on their skin. Everything in me starts shaking. I can hear myself panting but I can't feel myself doing it. I can feel strange types of pleasure mixed with pain and pressure inside of me. I can feel the clenching in my stomach and the small spasms my pussy begins to make. I can hear my moans but I cannot feel myself uttering them. In and out...in and out—I can hear Sara's small grunts but I can't connect everything together. The music becomes louder and more obnoxious. I feel the room closing in and I feel the air being sucked out of it. It's all like a hazy dream. I am stuck in the darkness, feeling too much at once. Nothing makes sense but everything is making my head spin. My breath starts to decline and I feel tightness in my chest.

"Sara," I shout. By then, I notice I'm sobbing. "Sara, stop," I shout again.

Suddenly, everything pauses. Everything stops. Her moves stop. The music is quiet, again. My heart starts beating normally, again. I can feel my skin and everything around me, again. I can feel my lungs producing air, again.

"Are you okay?

"I can't take this position anymore," I say. "Please remove the blindfold. I have to see."

In less than two seconds, Sara has managed to pull out of me, unfold my eyes, and remove the handcuffs. Before she can take the other toy out, I turn around and face her. Quickly and with worry and fear all over her features, she hands me my puffer. I inhale and give it back to her.

Suddenly, I start to feel the loss of the dildo. I start to miss it. Sara's caressing my cheeks and kissing my forehead. I close my eyes for a second and sigh, leaning my head on her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," Sara says. "No more of this."

"No," I say. "I am sorry that I couldn't handle it. I think I am nyctophobic." I try to remember different events that made me feel this way but I can't. I guess, maybe, that's why I always loved sex in the light. Sara always wanted it to be dark. It was never this dark, some sort of light always had to be there. I do ask Sara to walk me to the bathroom and wait for me at nights, though; which can explain it. We do sleep with at least one of our lamps on. I've never been in a situation that's been too dark. Well, except when I was little.

"It's okay," Sara nods. "We'll talk about that later. Why don't you take a rest and I'll get you water? Let's sleep."

"What? No," I shout.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm still not there. I'm close. Do you have any idea how intense that was? I can still feel it inside. I am aching."

"Oh." I can feel she's confused by that.

"I just wanna look at you while you do it."

"You want me to use the dildo again?" she asks, a bit unsure. I give her a quick nod.

"Wait," I say. "I want to..." I do not continue. I sit up and squat on the bed. "Do it with your hand. I like this position." I see her eyes wide, staring at my strange position. "It makes me feel it even better...both toys."

"Alright."

Sara rests on her tummy, facing my pussy as I am in this bone-aching position. She does not take too long pushing the dildo in because I'm already well-stretched. I moan again when she pushes inside, however. Only because this position makes me feel it even deeper and much better in different ways. My clit is swollen. I touch it with my fingers and circle it while Sara pushes with one hand and supports me with another hand on my hip.

Even though I can still feel my embarrassing tears on my cheeks, I am very happy right now because the pleasure has finally taken in, replacing any kind of pain. Maybe this position is much better. I take a hold of Sara's shoulders to support myself more when I feel the intensity thicken. Sara reaches that deep spot inside, and I start to shake and my toes curl. I am moaning loudly again with every push. The vibration in my other hole is enhancing the feeling, making my head spin...in a good way.

Suddenly, I feel another feeling on my clit. This time I almost jump, but I have a good hold on Sara that I manage to balance myself. I look down and find the hitachi on my clit. Another wave of pleasure breaks through me. I bite my lip so I won't make the neighbors hate Sara and I.

I have never felt such intensity before. I am not sure what's that feeling, but I can feel my walls convulsing and I can feel the spasm that's happening inside. My nipples start to ache as I feel my entire body becoming sensitive and my toes getting numb. My stomach clenches and the strangest feeling crawls inside of it and descends down. I get hit with an abrupt, very strong shake of pleasure that makes me roll my eyes to the back of my head. This wave, once again, sends me to another one that makes everything in me tingles and my core tightens, making me jerk and squirt my juices all over my girlfriend's face right after she pulls out of me when she senses what's happening.

I fall back on the mattress, trying to catch my breath. My hand is above my chest as I am panting. The butt plug has fallen out of me, which made my girlfriend giggle...or perhaps because I squirted right on her face. I close my eyes for several seconds in order to get back to reality but Sara's fierce tongue does not let me rest, pushing its stiffness between my folds, slurping all my juices and circling my sensitive clit. I shriek when the tensity of the situation hits me, closing my legs around her face.

"No, Sara, please, no," I cry out, changing my position to the side and curling my legs. "I'm very sore."

Sara looks at me with concern. Her face is a map of my fluids. Her hair is damp and her chest is red with sweat and heat. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," I say. "That was the best orgasm I've ever had. You should pray that I can walk tomorrow. That was so fucking intense. I felt my insides raging."

"Oh, babe," Sara says with a bit of laughter. "I guess I should be sorry but I'm not. At least tomorrow's Saturday." I start getting up in order to free my bladder but Sara pushes me down. "Teetee, why don't you sleep? You're obviously exhausted. I'm gonna clean the toys and take a very quick shower then join you."

"I'm not sleeping on this filthy bed," I say. Am I becoming like her? Oh my God...I am. "I need to pee, shower with you, and change the sheets."

I watch Sara getting herself rid of the harness, questioning the fact she hasn't given me an answer. I sit up when I notice that her hand is fiddling with her pussy. She closes her eyes, rubbing her clit quickly. It does not take her long. I can't even give her a helping hand because as soon as she pushes her digits inside her hole, she bites her lips and gasps at the reaction. A minute after, she's looking at me with a flushed face. I guess she really couldn't help not to get herself there when she was that close.

For the first time since the first time I've been fucked with a dildo, I feel a slight pain when I pee. I wince a little. Sara looks at me through the mirror as she cleans the toys we have used.

I wait for her so we can both shower together. This examining gaze has not left her eyes since I had my little scene when I was in the first position.

I sigh as the warm water cascades down my skin, but Sara is frozen with something I cannot read on her features. I lean in and give her a playful kiss. I try to make her smile by giving her my own gummy smile. She only gives me a very weak half smile that makes me pout at her.

I only get the courage to open my mouth and ask her about what's going on in her brain when we are both drying off our bodies.

"I'm just thinking," she answers.

"Of what?" I ask.

"You," she says. "I feel guilty. I feel like I pushed you to do something you're not happy with."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. You were crying."

"Babe," I say, looking at her. "The dark made me anxious, that's it. I fucking squirted and it was awesome. Like, I've never had this reaction except the first time this woman used a dildo on me. And it wasn't even that strong or fun, I don't know, it just happened. Now I fucking reached a new state of pleasure I haven't reached before."

"God, Tegan," she says with frustration. "Stop rambling, trying to hide things you don't want to speak about. I am not stupid."

I have no idea what the fuck just happened, but I can feel that I have ruined the night with something I couldn't control. "You're not stupid, but you're trying to apply your stupid psychology stuff on me."

"They're not stupid," Sara says, finishing getting dressed while I'm still half naked. "I just want you to open up for me, try to get the stuff that you buried inside out of your head so you can rest."

"This mantra again?" I say with an irritated chuckle. "God, Sara, get a fucking job and leave me alone."

And that's how I ruined my birthday. I wish she'd just understand that some stuff I cannot explain because I have no idea why I do them. I have no idea why I can't stay in the dark, why I break stuff when I'm angry, why I hit myself when I'm frustrated and crying, why I have to plan and organize everything in order to feel good, otherwise I feel like I'm going to fail. I have no idea why I do what I do because what I do is normal. She thinks it's not but she, herself, has an obnoxious OCD. She cleans the toys more than two times, she cleans the freaking house each day, she has her books arranged according to color and her clothes arranged according to style. She has to dress up even if she's going nowhere. She doesn't like to rest in her pajamas like all of us normal human beings. I do not comment on what she does but she comments on what I do.

One thing I have to do, and it's making me angry right now, is having to cuddle with Sara's body in order to fall asleep. This is a new thing I've never faced before, but since we became lovers, I can't change this habit, even in our threesomes. So now I am annoyed with her and I have no option but to turn my face to the other side, or go to the living room and watch TV until she comes there and kiss me and invites me back. It always works.

"Tegan," Sara's says with a sigh as I am looking for the blanket I use when I go there whenever we fight. "I didn't mean to. I got worried, Tegan. I didn't want to ruin the night. Don't go there."

_Yes, yes...before even going there._ "You make me feel as if I have mental issues that I'm not taking care of, Sara. You always do that." But I don't show her that I am excited about it; I play hard to please instead.

"I know. I'm sorry. I won't say anything anymore. I'm sorry." Even though I do not believe her, I need my cuddle buddy more than anything else. I push my face in her chest and she kisses my forehead, wishing me another happy birthday and apologizing once again.

I open my eyes to Sara's voice waking me up. Her gentle tone draws a smile on my face. Her hazel eyes greet me as soon as I open my own. "Hey," I say with a yawn.

"Morning," she says.

I look up at what's in her hands and I notice a tray with a cup of tea, two slices of yesterday's cake, and a grilled cheese sandwich. I sit up as I feel my stomach growl in hunger.

"Breakfast in bed," Sara says. "You deserve it." She pushes the food in front of me and I do not hesitate to eat.

"I'm lovin' getting spoiled by you. You should be careful, I might get used to this." I wink at her, taking a bite of the sandwich. She kisses my head and sits beside me on the mattress. "Aren't you gonna join me?"

"I'm on a diet, remember? I only broke it yesterday for you." Ugh, stupid diet. This entire dieting thing happened only because the company she almost nailed a job at refused her, because she does not represent the_ 'ideal woman'_ they want. They wanted someone with no experience, which made her happy, but they wanted someone who looked feminine and, most importantly, very thin.

I admit that I can see why she's very hesitant to look for jobs after the amount of sexism and homophobia that she has encountered. My mum said that life after college is a nightmare and the real world doesn't have mercy on fragile human beings like Sara. But if Sara gains the confidence I own, she wouldn't give a fuck about what they say. However, here she is trying to lose weight because of a stupid man's opinion.

"I like your boobies, don't lose weight," I say jokingly. She rolls her eyes with the cutest smile on her face.

Sara hands me an envelope, biting her lower lip. Her fringe is covering her small eyes. "Here," she whispers.

"What's this?"

"Your birthday present. I am sorry I can't get you something better and fancier." I know the economic situation that Sara is facing is not that great, and I did tell her I don't want a birthday gift. But knowing Sara, I can't be surprised that she got me something.

"Babe, Oh my God." I gasp, covering my mouth. The two tickets of the band I love so fucking much in my hands. "Death Cab, Sare? Oh my frikin' God. I fucking love you."

Her face is flushed—so red and adorable. Her smile can't get any bigger. I kiss her sweet-looking lips and squeal. I feel so stupid for the scene I caused yesterday. I feel so guilty. She's just Sara, she's not gonna hurt me. She's not my stepdad. She loves me. She wants to show me love not touch me in the darkness while I am asleep. She's Sara, my girlfriend and buddy and the only person I fell in love with.

_Oh...God._

"Sara," I say after finishing my breakfast. Sara's doing some work on my laptop because hers needs some fixing.

"Yes, babe?" She averts her gaze from the screen to look at me.

"I have to tell you something."

Sara pushes the computer, giving me all her attention. "Yes, Teetee?"

"About yesterday." I swallow hard. I don't want us to fight again.

"What about it?" Even though she has a warm smile, I notice the small flinch. I know she doesn't want us to fight as well.

"I think...I reacted like that because it brought some memories." Sara only hums, ushering for me to continue. "Of my stepdad...touching me." Sara hums again. I watch the lump in her throat going down. "It used to happen when I'm asleep. It used to be dark. I didn't know what was happening back then. I mean, he only felt around, but you know, I couldn't see anything. I used to feel blinded and feel suffocated. It scared me. And I guess...even though I didn't realize it right away yesterday...I guess, that's the reason. I mean it probably is."

"I know," Sara says. "It's okay, Tegan."

"You know?" I raise one eyebrow as she nods.

"First of all, he's not your stepdad anymore. He's not in any way related to you and he does not exist in your life, only inside your brain and memories," Sara says. "Second of all, I know you more than I know anyone else. I connected it. I know how to do that. I see it in the words you use and your actions. I know you bury some stuff inside and you don't care about them, but they're affecting your behavior. I know you can't control it. I am just like you. All human beings are alike. Some situations affect us and make us act in a certain way. It's fine. I just don't want you to feel...suffocated as you said. I don't want your past to harm you. I want your heart to feel at ease. I want you to be peaceful with yourself."

My teardrops never fail me in such situations; and here comes the fountain. Sara wraps her arms around me, rubbing my back.

"I'm sorry, Sara," I say.

She shakes her head. "You didn't do anything." I sit back in my place, nodding and wiping a couple of my tears. "Please tell me when you're not comfortable with something. Please don't make me feel guilty thinking I've hurt you. I don't ever want to do that."

I nod quickly. "I will, I promise," I say.

Sara continues doing whatever she's doing and I rest back on my pillow looking at her. I feel a bit of soreness between my legs but I don't pay it much attention. Sara, surprisingly, is still in her pajamas. Her hair is combed and neat, though. She flips through some files I haven't seen before and reads from them. She focuses on what's in the laptop again. I yawn and she looks at me with a smile.

"What are ya doin'?" I ask, yawning again.

"Jane sent me Calgary's hospital records of women who had given birth to females in the same month and year I was born. Her husband managed to do that...finally." Sara sighs, flipping through the pages.

"He actually stole old files?" Sara nods.

Sara hasn't given up her search. She comes with a new idea each few months. It results in nothing, so she gives up; then Jane gets her some information and she gains more hope. I honestly don't get why she wants to know her birth parents so much, but I can't argue with her about that because I am not in her place. Not to mention the serious fights that have happened because of that...and they were much worse than the one we had last night.

The entire problem is Jane and her husband. She married that guy and now he works in some government shit, which makes Jane not so poor anymore, and extra helpful to Sara. Sometimes I worry, because she was almost too close to find her mother at one point. There was a woman and all the evidence seemed like it's her mother, but then she met the woman and it was not her freaking mother. And thank God, because that woman was a miserable alcoholic rude bitch who lives with ten cats. Yes, ten cats and bitterness. I worry because what if Sara finds one of her relatives and they're not who she has in mind? What if it will make her upset and shocked? What if it'll make her wish she hasn't found them?

"Tegan, look," Sara says, handing me the file. "Do you have another Clement with an S that gave birth in the 19th of September in your family?"

"Nobody I know." I look at the sheet. "She birthed a girl."

"There are probably lots of Clements with an S other than Sonia, anyway."

"Yup," I say. "And mum was 14 not 41 in 1980." I point at the age. "Mum was probably whoring around with dad, though. She told me they started having sex when she was thirteen."

"Holy fuck." Sara tries to stifle a laugh.

"I know. She was a slut, which explains me."

"I was so dumb when I was thirteen." Sara sighs.

Suddenly, we hear some buzzing from my laptop. Sara laughs loudly. "Oh, look," she says. "It's your mum wanting to do a video call. What a coincidence." Sara hits accept before I tell her to. Mum appears with her very cheerful smile as usual, almost blinding my sleepy eyes. "Hey Sonia," Sara says...with a similar enthusiasm.

I will never understand morning fucktards.

"Hey, guys," mother says. "I was so surprised to see you online. Tegan never wakes up before 1:00 PM on Saturdays."

Why would I?!

"Yes. I'm the one who's using her laptop. But she's awake, thanks to me." Sara wiggles her brows at me.

"Hey, mum," I say, then yawn.

"Hey, honey. How are you? How was your birthday? What did you guys do?"

"We fucked so hard I can't walk," I say loudly. Sara shoots me a fiery glare, her entire face turning beet red.

"Okay, I don't wanna know that," mum says. "Tegan, your father came earlier and guess what?"

"Hmm?"

"He fucking has your office ready. It's only waiting for you to receive it." My eyes widen. Sara's eyes widen. My mum's eyes are already wide with excitement.

I jump up and push my face closer to the screen. "You're fucking kidding."

"I am not!" mum says.

"Oh my God," I shout. "In Calgary? Oh my God. I can't fucking wait. But mum, gahh, this stupid year. It has to be over." I grab my girlfriend's shoulders, squeezing them while looking at her thunderstruck face. "Oh my God, Sare, we're gonna be a working couple. I mean me, but like, official work with so much money and I'm gonna spoil you and buy you stuff and you'll be my princess and we'll live in a nice house that has lots and lots of plants." Sara's face is frozen and red. She's staring at me with dilated eyes and a stunned expression.

"Tee, it's not in Calgary. It's in New York," mum says, her laughter in her voice. Both Sara and I scream, looking at my mum. "He wants you to take over his NYC branch. Since it's small and new, he wants to put you in charge and see what you can do. I know you won't disappoint. I am so fucking happy for you, my baby."

I start crying because of my excitement. Sara's even more frozen right now. Her face is now yellowish. I have no idea what's going on. Maybe she's shocked...I mean, she should be. But that's not the reaction I've expected. She's biting into her lower lip, abusing the small mole below it the way I do to my labret piercing.

"I am so fucking...shocked. I have to call him and thank him. I have to do it right now." I get up, not even caring about the pain that hit me when I stood up quickly. "I'll be right back."

"Are you okay, Sara?" I hear my mum ask while I'm walking out of our room.

"Oh...yes. I'm just a bit...overwhelmed." I stop in my place, doing what I always do but shouldn't ever do. I listen to the conversation because I have to know what my girlfriend is feeling.

"Why, honey?" mum asks her very gently.

"New York is so far away. It's in the States." Okay...okay...I guess she has a point. I guess I didn't think of that. She'll be away from her family...and Emy...and everyone. I didn't think of that. I was so happy. But I need this...and I need her with me in this. This is my future.

"I know," Sonia says. "I can't...I can't do anything about it. You have to talk to Tegan about this." My mother has probably just got hit with the same thoughts.

"Yeah," Sara says lowly.

"Stop doing that," my mother says to Sara. "Don't bite on that mole, that will hurt."

"Oh, sorry," my girlfriend apologizes for something that nobody apologizes for. She's Sara!

"Sara?" Mum asks. "Have you always had that mole? Like, were you born with it? Or is it some pimple or a scar that happened later? It doesn't look like a mole, actually." Okay...mum is trying to distract her. That's great.

"Oh, no. I was born with it. I have it in all my baby pictures. But, yes, it looks like a scar."

"Who gave you the name Sara?" Okay, now I should go call dad. Mum is distracting her with stupid questions.

"My parents," Sara says with laughter I hear faintly as I step into the living room.

I dial up my father's number, waiting for him to pick up. My mind is jumping up and down (if the mind can do that) but my heart is beating with fright. What if Sara refuses to come with me? What if we break up because of this? A year—I have an entire academic year to think it over. This is not going to be easy.


	19. Chapter 19

**Alright, so I actually like this chapter? Weird, I guess. And I managed to get it out quicker than I thought! I apologize for the fast changes, but I felt like if I keep at a steady, slow pace nobody will be interested. I don't mean to make any of them look bad. I am staying neutral and you choose who you feel bad for and who you're angry at. Things are going to be pretty hard for them from now on, especially for Sara. A lot of similarity with Catharsis will appear (shows how bad I am as a writer). Tell me what you think!**

**Trigger warning: abuse, violence, mental illness.**

* * *

**Sara**

**Dec 20th, 2007**

"Why? Why didn't you tell me?" she says, crying loudly. Somehow I can't react or feel anything as I watch her excessive tears. I feel indifferent and carless. Her tears are streaming down her face but I feel nothing. I am here because of her. I am in this bed facing this pain because of her. I don't even want to answer her. She knows why I did not tell her. It's over. All of it is over. Since that day, since that moment she touched me.

"Sara, please talk to me." She hiccups, kneeling down like a beggar. "Please forgive me. I am sorry. I'll always be sorry. You have no idea how much I hate myself. You have no idea." My sister is watching us. She's the only one who knows about this. I can't tell my mother or father, they'll get a heart attack. Plus, my dad's already been sick these days.

My sister is looking at Tegan with dark eyes full of anger and vengeance. I can't even look at her. I love her, don't love her. I hate her, but want her. I am a big mess and it's because of her.

"If I were you, I'd just leave her alone. I can't believe she even stayed with you these months. Just leave her alone," my sister says.

The sobs Tegan escapes make me quiver. I admit they make my stomach twist. She cried every night since what had happened. She apologized everyday but I couldn't allow her to touch me and I still can't. I can't trust her anymore. I'm not sure I love her anymore. I don't know how I feel about her anymore.

"You can't leave me, Sara. You can't. You know too well I will die. I know I need help and I'm sick and I've always been sick and you knew it." She pushes her head on the mattress and weeps. I think of touching her soft hair but retreat. "Sara, I am nothing. You know I am nothing without you. It's fine, don't love me, don't be with me, don't even touch me, just don't leave me. You have to come back with me." She buries her face in her hands. Her wailing noises are heart shattering but I can't do anything about them. I feel a tear sliding down my eyes.

"Sara, no," Joy says. "I swear I'll tell mum and dad. Sara, you can't. This time you're back, next time she'll kill you. She's a monster."

"No, no, no, no, no, no." Tegan shakes her head dramatically. Her tears are falling all over the white sheets. Her eyes are swollen and red. Her hair is damp, sticking to her sweaty forehead. Her face is pink and her neck is flushed. "I am not like that. I swear I did not mean to. I swear I did not mean to. I swear I did not mean to. I swear I did..." She starts to hiccup, losing her breath.

More tears fall from my eyes and my lips tremble. My hands move to touch her but I can't. We have not touched since that day even though we lived in the same place. I just can't do it.

"Joy," I say, hearing my hoarse, cracked voice, "please leave us alone."

"No," Joy shouts. "And let her be near you? She might fucking choke you to death right now."

By now Tegan has managed to sit on the floor beside my bed and cry. I'm just scared mum and dad might visit and see her this way. I told them I did not tell her because she had finals, which is partially true. But, mostly, I did not tell her because I wanted to get away. Only Emy and Amber know. I told Joy because she's the one who had to help me dress and undress after the surgery. She saw the still evident marks of Tegan's fingers and hands. She realized it immediately, she is not stupid.

"Joy, she's not going to hurt me." I am sure she is not going to hurt me, not anymore. No, I can't trust her, but I know she regrets it. If she didn't, she wouldn't have tried her best to win my trust back for the past two months.

"You just performed a dangerous back surgery because of her and you're saying she won't hurt you? What are you? Nuts?"

"Joy, please," I beg. I wish she's still young and stupid.

"I'm not leaving, Sara. Talk to her in here. I am old enough. I know what happened. I can't trust her. I am your sister and I care about you more than she ever will." I hear the loudest sob Tegan has ever let. I know Joy's words are fuming her, hurting her chest, stinging her heart, beating her worse than she has beaten me, choking her worse than she has choked me, murdering her vitality the way she has murdered mine. I know what these words are doing to her because when I said such words, she hit me without knowing how to stop. I know how hard these words are hitting her. And I am glad and happy that my sister is by my side.

_Stupid!_ Years and years trying to search for a family when I have a real one. I was stupid. Everything Tegan has been through is because of her own family. If I was her mother, I'd be ashamed. I tried to help her but it was just too late for her. Her mother doesn't even know what she has done. I don't blame Tegan for not telling her. I'd be very embarrassed telling my mother that I hit my girlfriend senselessly just because she pushed me when we were arguing. Emy was right. I was stupid. I am stupid. I'll always be stupid. The fact that I still feel sorry for her and I am crying as she is crying proves how stupid I am.

_Stupid. Stupid. Fucking stupid. _

How? How did it start? How did I let it happen? We were happy and everything was going well. Goddamn it. Goddamn the luck I hold in life.

I can't even connect the incidents in my brain. Since I came here two weeks ago I've been reliving every moment since we moved together. Emy warned me. I did not listen. Emy has always been scared of Tegan. I thought it was silly. I was silly.

But Tegan was not like that. No...she is _not_ like that. What happened all of a sudden? I can't get it. She was the best girlfriend just two months before. She asked with beautiful gentleness that she wants to end the affair we have with Emy.

"If you want," she said. "Only if you want." She was careful and looked scared.

"I want whatever you want. Emy's into Amber anyway."

"I'm glad she finally found someone. I'm happy for her. I really want us to be girlfriends, the two of us only."

That time was a bit tense for me and I needed her by my side but at the same time I needed to be away from her. I was scared of moving. She gave me the option to think about it till the end of the academic year. That means till May next year. The fact that I still believe it's an option scares me. Go with her? After all that? Wow, I must be so stupid.

"Please, Sara," Tegan says, getting up from her seating position, but still kneeling in front of me. "Ask Emy. She's helping me. Ask her. Ask her. I'm ready to go to anger management and I want you to help me."

I should have listened to Emy but I didn't.

"I just want you to be careful around Tegan," Emy said to me months ago. I thought she was jealous we did not welcome her anymore, but a week later she was officially dating Amber.

"Why?" I asked.

"She's a good person, but she needs some kind of help with her anger."

"Emy," I whined. I rolled my eyes.

"I am serious," Emy said. "She still breaks stuff when she's angry, yes or no?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"You still feel scared when she yells."

"No."

"Yes," she insisted, which annoyed me and vexed me. I couldn't think of Tegan as a frightful human being. She cried because she thought she hurt me. She had been hurt all her life, how could I think of her that way?

"How's Amber?" I changed the subject.

"Jealous," Emy said. "But it's cute."

"You're gonna miss those days, aren't you?"

"Oh, yes." Emy chuckled. "It makes her jealous but I really like it. I really like her. A lot. I'm happy with her."

"I'm happy for you."

Emy! Emy helping Tegan. She has always been there. She will always be here for me. But Tegan? I doubt it. Emy hated Tegan that day she had to clean every bleeding scratch on my skin. Tegan hated Tegan that day. It was the worst day of my life.

We were just talking. We were simply talking.

"I don't like cats, Sara. I don't like pets." I just wanted a company while sitting alone doing nothing at home. She refused.

"Please, Tegan. It's so fucking boring. I don't do anything at all. Emy's not getting me her cat because Amber's mum is hogging her all to herself."

"No means no, Sara." She turned her head to the television, continuing her show.

"You know, it's not fair that you're the one who always makes the rules in this place." I was honestly sick and tired of having to go under her will. Plants made my allergies worse than they are, yet Tegan wanted plants and she got plants. I couldn't buy a bicycle because Tegan was too scared I'd fall and break something, yet she was saving money to buy her own car. I couldn't look up any information about my birth parents without consulting her because, apparently, I was very irresponsible in that department. I was so sick of being treated like an inferior to her. That day, I admit, the fiend has ridden inside my body and demanded a strong fight.

"Sara, seriously?" She rolled her eyes. "I just don't like cats. Goddamn it."

"Not only cats." I stood up. I blocked her view of the television. "I can't get a bicycle and I can't search for my birth parents in secrecy. I don't have a saying about the bullshit you fill the house with. For fuck's sake, Tegan, I can't even have some sexual freedom without you demanding this and that. I'm sick of it."

Tegan stood up as well. She was surprised. Her brow was furrowed and her lips were parted. "Why are you trying to pick a stupid fight?"

"I am trying to understand why you're controlling everything in this relationship," I yelled at her.

"Don't fucking yell at me," she shouted.

"But it's okay when you do?" I felt my hot tears threatening to escape.

"Maybe you fucking feel less because all you ever do is sitting your ass down and complaining about being lonely. Have you ever tried looking for a job? No. You looked once, Sara. And once you got rejected from a couple of places, you gave up."

I started crying, she didn't. Her face was red and strong. "Don't say that," I told her.

"I'll say whatever the fuck I want." She walked closer to me and I took few steps to the back. She looked scary, but I still did not see what was coming. "I go out every day and work and get tired and come back expecting some peace and quiet, some nice talk, and, maybe, some good sex, but all I see is you whining and complaining about being lonely and bored. I'm the one who is making the money, Sara...in case you have forgotten. I'm the one who is trying to offer a good life. I'm the one who pays the bills, not you. I have every fucking right to make the rules that I find appropriate for _my_ place."

That's when I lost it: my sanity, my mind, my fight, my heart—my everything. I cupped my mouth and shook my head. I know that even if she hadn't touched me, those words are enough to make me leave her. Even if she hadn't meant them, I know there is a lot of truth in what she had uttered. If there weren't any, she wouldn't have said what she said in the first place.

"How fucking dare you?" I screamed so loud and pushed her so roughly she almost fell. I knew at that moment nothing good was coming.

I couldn't even blink before I saw her body attacking me, gnawing at my sensitive skin. I was on the floor in mere seconds, receiving hits and blows. I was dizzy and unconscious in a matter of minutes, but I kept hearing her say, "You're lazy and dependent. You want it all. You're stupid and you blame me." She repeated these words together or separately.

I still don't know why I haven't attacked back. It all happened in a matter of seconds. I was just thrown on the floor and my nose started bleeding. I was trying to focus on the pain that hit my lower back and protecting my face at the same time. She was moving quickly as I surrendered to her words and actions. I might have mouthed a couple of stops before my head started spinning. I don't remember at all. All I remember is that I gave up and let her hurt me so bad. All I remember is that once she started, she couldn't stop until her hands were wrapped around my neck and my consciousness was teetering. I remember pain everywhere: my arms, my thighs, my lower abdomen, my jaw, my head, my nose, and my back. I remember her slapping me, pushing me, scratching my skin, and squeezing my flesh. I remember her hands wrapped around my neck. I remember her fist meeting my nose. I remember her tears hitting my face and her words hitting my brain. I remember her gasping and crying and hollering upon realizing what she had done. I remember the pain: pure, sharp, intense, acute, fierce, and agonizing. I remember feeling my bones like jelly, my skull out of my head, and my heart out of my chest. I remember the taste of the blood on my tongue. I remember the feeling of being lifted, thinking I had died and realizing it was her freaking out about what she had done. She lifted me and screamed. I remember her words asking herself what she had done. I remember her steps to the kitchen to get water and a cloth. I remember her talking to Emy, cursing herself and losing her ability to speak. I remember Emy coming, screaming and shouting and crying. I remember I was so sleepy. I remember falling asleep.

"I will never forgive myself," Tegan's broken voice pulls me out of my memories. I can feel my tears dripping on the white sheets. I look at her, hoping the pain in my eyes can tell her that I am not that Sara anymore. I am not that woman who thought of rainbows and butterflies. I am not that innocent little girl who thought everybody was perfect and she was the imperfect silly dreamer. Now I know that Tegan's far from perfect, Emy's far from perfect, my parents are far from perfect, and I...well, I'm nowhere near goodness anyway. What will make me go back to the state of normalcy again?

Since that day, that awful day, Tegan and I have not touched each other more than a second. I can't even begin to describe those two months I spent waiting to run away but was scared I might hurt her. Why do I still care? Why does my heart care? Maybe because I know she is truly sorry. Maybe because I know what she has done was out of her mental control.

I remember waking up at dawn, screaming because of how in pain I was. Emy took me to the bathroom and cleaned me. I was crying and shrieking. She cupped my face, looked at me, and cried.

"I told you," she said as if she was the one beaten up. "Oh God...I told you."

"I didn't do anything," I cried. "I don't know what happened."

"I know. I know. She's not sane."

"Why does the universe hate me?"

Tegan was shivering alone on the chair in our room. I couldn't look at her and she couldn't look at me. I only heard her voice mouthing "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" for hours without stopping. When Emy told her to shut up, Tegan screamed the word. It was terrifying. That day I knew her mental state was not good. I knew if I left her, something terrible would happen.

Amber came later that day. She took Tegan out of the room and I stayed with Emy. I cried more as she tried to rub the swollen parts of my back. I slept again after the medication she had given me.

The next morning was still as horrible. Tegan did not go to university. I found her curled up on the floor, near my side of the bed. Emy was asleep next to me. When she saw my eyes open, she sat up, continuing her apology but putting more feelings into it, the way she is doing right now.

"It's like something invaded my brain," she told me. "I swear I saw nothing but blackness. I swear I couldn't even stop my hands. I swear somebody inside me was controlling me."

Those days were the worst days I have lived till now. Emy and Amber stayed at our place the entire week. Emy slept on the mattress beside me and Amber slept in the living room with Tegan. They were scared to leave us alone. I was scared to be alone with Tegan.

"I can't tell mum and dad, Emy," I remember telling her that. "I can't even tell her mum."

"Someone other than us has to know. Being with her is dangerous at this moment."

"I can't tell my parents. They'll think I'm a failure. They already think I am."

"They're your parents, they don't think that. They love you," Emy said. "Sara, let's be honest with each other. You can't tell them because you don't want them to hate her."

"I don't want anybody to hate her," I said.

"I can't help but hate her right now."

"Please don't," I begged my ex-girlfriend not to hate my current one.

"When we had sex years ago and she made me bleed...I begged her to stop and she didn't. She was only aware of what had happened when she stopped. I knew by then that she needed some help. I knew she had violent tendencies."

I didn't know what to say to Emy. She spent that week telling me, "I told you so." I was not in the mood to listen.

Tegan apologized day and night. I was not able to speak more than two words to her. She came to me after three days with a small beautiful kitten. She was crying. "Look, Sasa. I got it for you and I'm holding it even though I'm probably pissing my pants right now. I'll get you a bicycle, too. I'll get you anything you want. Just forgive me. I'll do anything."

"I don't want the cat," I said. "Take it back."

"Why?" She seemed hurt. The cat was meowing and she was clearly scared while holding it.

"I don't want anything from you anymore. We're nothing to each other anymore."

"No," Tegan screeched. The cat jumped off and ran out of the room. Emy hurried inside. "No, no, no." She shook her head violently. "You don't know what will happen to me if you leave me. You don't know what's inside here." She hit her chest as tears streamed down her face. "I am fucked up, you know that. The only way I can be normal and act normal is with you." She held my hands but I pushed her away roughly. "I am nothing, Sara. I am nothing without you. I can't love. I don't know how to love. You're the only person who can make me feel these things. You don't understand what will happen if you leave me." Amber and Emy were looking at the scene from the doorstep of the bedroom. "I wish you'd see the torment in my heart. I wish you'd see it, I wish you'd see it. I go through it every day. I see her threatening that you will leave every day. That evil little monster in my head, she messes up with my brain. I can't control her. I swear I'm not lying. I swear I'm not lying. It's in here." She started hitting her head. It was painful to watch.

"Stop," I said shortly. Emy moved to her frame, stopping her from abusing her own self. She glared at her for a minute until the action was over. Tegan was gasping for air. Her red face looked like a balloon ready to burst.

"I will not leave, but we're not together. I will stay in this place but you don't touch me and I don't touch you. I can't trust you anymore. I can't give myself to you anymore. I can't even feel anything towards you anymore." I know half of the words were lies, but at that time I felt that way. Whenever I felt the sharpness of pain in my back, I disliked her more.

"Emy told you?" I ask, making her look at me with hopeful eyes. I don't think words can describe the sharpness in my chest when our eyes meet. It's worse than the pain in my back. It's like a snake slithering in endless motions around the muscles of my heart, ready to feast on the tiny parts.

Tegan shakes her head. "No," she whispers. "I already knew. I knew you were leaving. But your back...I only knew about that on my way here. Emy tried to help so when you came back, as she said, you'd see a better me. I just...didn't know that she meant...like...maybe...after ten years."

"Or never," I say. Tegan chokes on a sob. The snake opens its mouth around the right side of my heart, ready to spread its venom inside my blood.

"I wish you'd understand that I didn't mean to do it. I wish you'd understand I couldn't control it," she says desperately and sits down on the floor again, putting her face in her hands. The snake is chewing at my heart. It hurts. It hurts so bad I want to scream.

Tegan was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which I have already suspected in her a long time ago. What I know is that it rarely causes any type of violence and it can be cured with talk therapy. I tried my best to let her open up to me, she did her best to open up, but there was always this hidden part that she herself was not even aware of. I can't even connect her violence with it. I know her past was not the best, but as far as I know she did not have a physically abusive relationship with anybody. The only thing I can think of is she needs anger management and she is not even seeking that, so how can I trust her?

When the ache in my back lasted for three weeks straight, I knew I had to do something about it. At times it seemed as if it was only getting worse. Usually I treat sciatica with gels, creams, and back stickers and the pain would diminish in few days. But when I tried everything; took warm baths; cold baths; put a heating pad or an ice bag, nothing was changing, the pain was getting worse and worse. Eventually, I went with Emy to the doctor, who informed me that I needed a surgery to treat my herniated disc. When I told my parents, my dad refused, saying the outcomes can cause many complications in my movement when I grow up. I continued taking medication and applying creams till I stopped being able to sleep at night or even sit calmly without the pain crawling through my veins.

Tegan did not know any of that because we were not talking. We were two strangers living under one roof. I did my things, she did hers. She apologized to me everyday till she got tired. She slept in the living room and I slept in her room. Having to do the surgery forced me to leave before her finals. I told her I was going to see my parents and spend time with them till after the New Year. She was supposed to go see her parents in Calgary after her finals. I told my mother and father that Tegan did not know because she had finals and I did not want to worry her. I thought maybe I'll tell them we broke up after the surgery. I told Joy everything because I needed to vent. I didn't know Tegan was going to follow. I thought that was it. I thought I'd tell Emy to send my stuff. I even over packed and I remember Tegan asking about it.

"That's lots of luggage for a month visit," Tegan said as Emy pushed my two large suitcases out of Tegan's room and into the hallway.

"Two months visit. I'm staying till the middle of January," I said.

"Will you...will you talk to me? Can I call you?" Emy was looking at us, not sure where to stand and what to do. She told me she wasn't talking to Tegan much anymore, but I think she was lying.

"Why would you call me? There's nothing that ties us together right now," I said. "We need this break, Tegan. I'm only staying here because you won't let me leave you."

"Because if you leave me I'll die. It's simple. I'm not being dramatic. I can't let you go...I can't." Tegan started crying. At that moment I was in so much pain that I couldn't do anything but leave her. I cried in the plane. I cried in my room. I cried before the surgery and after it. And now a week after the surgery, Tegan's here, crying and begging.

"If you can't control it how can I trust you? How can I live with you?" I ask her.

The question halts her cries and turns up the silence in the room.

"See?" I say after a chuckle. "If it was all about the beating up maybe I would have considered it, I mean, we used to hit each other before. But the words, Tegan...the words you used...I can never forget them. I will never be able to forget the way you made me feel so fucking useless."

"Sara, what the fuck?" Joy stands up from the chair she has been sitting in from across the room. "Beating you up is not okay."

Tegan stands up, too. She wipes her never-ending tears and shakes her head. "No, it's not. It never was. It never will be. I am nothing but a stupid human being. That's what I am. I fuck things up, that's what I was created to do. I was never meant to feel love. I never felt it and once I finally did, I let it slip away. I let you go and you can't go because you know I can't function like a sane human being without you. I'll get back to that same old Tegan. I can't love another person. Sara, you know I can't love another person. You know that. You know that." She starts to hiccup. I can hear her wheezing breaths and the squeak in her chest. I am trying my ultimate best not to cave in and hug her. I am trying so hard. I know she means what she says but I can't let the pain of her words disappear.

"You're full of it," Joy says.

"Joy," I shout, "get out."

"No," she yells. "She's using her words to fool you. You're stupid if you believe her."

I don't know what exactly hits me in the guts, but that word itself takes me back to the time Tegan used it. Maybe I am actually stupid and everybody does believe that.

I start to cry like I have never cried before. Tegan tries to touch my face but her hands shy away from me. I don't know what anything means anymore. I feel like I really am created for nothing but to make Tegan be sane and feel successful while I remain stupid and lazy. What's my purpose in life? Is that it?

We spend nearly an hour like that, both of us crying without saying anything. Joy sits back in her chair and looks at us, without anything to add, until my parents suddenly come inside with the nurse. They gasp when they see the scene. The nurse hurries to my side in order to check on me.

"What...what happened? Is she okay? Tegan, when did you get here?" my mum asks in hurry and panic.

"I'm okay," I say. "Nothing happened."

"I just got here...I didn't know she's in the hospital. I...Emy told me..."

"She's just crying because I didn't tell her. It's just been emotional." I see Joy rolling her eyes. I send her a look, which she ignores.

"Oh, sweetie," my mum says, "she's alright now. She didn't want you to worry and leave your finals." My mum puts her hand on Tegan's back and gives her soothing rubs, which makes Tegan break down once again.

"Sara," my dad says, "you're ready to leave tomorrow."

"I know. They told me this morning."

"Why don't you stay with her tonight, Tegan?" my mum says.

"And Joy will come back with us," my dad adds.

"No," Joy says loudly, making both my parents narrow their eyes at her. "I can't leave her alone. Who would help her go to the bathroom?"

"Her girlfriend would." My mum gives her a look. Tegan seems hesitant, scared, and shaky.

"Joy," I say, "it's fine. You can go."

"But Sara..."

"It's fine. Tegan can...can help me." I swallow as I look at dejected Tegan with her heavy breathing.

My sister, eventually, caves in and joins my parents. Before they all leave, my father and my physical therapist discuss with me the exercises that I should and should not do in order to walk normally again and not have any complications in the future. The entire time the old man is talking, I keep looking at Tegan from across my hospital room. My mum is saying to her things I can't hear and she's nodding slowly.

"Did you hear, Sara?" I look at my father's aging face. "You have to be very careful, honey. You can't lift anything heavy and can't bend down these few days. You want anything, you ask one of us." I give my dad a nod.

My doctor adds more things about the sessions he's going to be with me at my house these few days in order to help me fix my walking. I have tried walking with him around the room but I continue limping and tripping. I have already been through this once, so this time it is not as hard as it was for me when I was sixteen. The hardest part is going to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet. Having to get help getting dressed and undressed because I can't bend down or lift up my arms is the worst thing possible. Back when I was sixteen I was surprisingly fine with my mother doing all that, but now it seems the most awkward thing so I just let Joy do it instead. I would have been so comfortable with Tegan or Emy, but Emy's not here and I can never ask Tegan to do such things right now. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I have to go to the bathroom at night.

My dad kisses my forehead before he leaves with the doctor, and then my mother gives me a small shoulder squeeze and asks if I need anything before she can leave. Joy gives Tegan a glare and tells me to call her if I need anything. They all leave me alone with Tegan and the silence that's swirling around us.

"The only reason I didn't tell them is because I don't want them to get a heart attack," I say.

"I'm sorry," Tegan says.

"You've said it enough."

"I'll keep saying it till you forgive me."

"How can I forgive you when your words keep repeating themselves in my ears? How can I forgive you when I am lying here because of you?"

"What should I do to make you believe that I didn't mean what I said and did?" Tegan walks up to my bed again. She sits at the end and buries her face in her hands. "Just tell me and I'll do it."

"The thing is you _did_ mean what you have said; otherwise you wouldn't have said it. I am nothing but a burden and a lazy human being who succeeds at nothing. It is true."

Tegan doesn't answer, she starts crying.

"Go back to your mother, Tegan. Go visit her. Ask her to help you. Help yourself." I know my words are mean and harsh. I know they're hitting her in the right corners, but I want to do just that. I want her to feel what it is like to sting somebody that loves you with honest vocabulary.

"I am trying. I swear I am trying. I quit my internship just to take anger management classes. Emy's helping me. She got me this punching bag so I can release my anger. I tried therapy, too. I'm trying everything."

Emy hasn't told me about all of this. This is the first time I hear these information and I am a little bit shocked. That internship meant everything to Tegan because she was doing a great job and she was loved by everyone in there. I was jealous of her when she got it and jealous of her whenever she talked about it. I got jealous each time she mentioned the job her father has for her.

"Don't you see how I am nothing?" She looks at me. "Look at me. Seriously, look at me." My eyes come in contact with her red ones. "Remember when I shook your hand the first time?" I don't say anything nor give her any head motion. "Remember when I made fun of you being your father's girl?" To this, I nod. "Remember how I hid my face in your chest when I revealed some truths? Remember how I told you to treat me as if I haven't said these things to you? Remember how I couldn't love or admit love until I fell for you?"

"I do," I whisper.

"Can't you see that I am nothing, Sara? You know that. You know that my family shows me their love with their money. They think they did a mistake marrying young and having me, so they shove what they have in my face. I am not that hard working, I have everything my father wants me to have. I try to make a big deal out of everything in my way to make myself feel better about how fucked up I really am. I have no friends because they all think I'm conceited. The only normal relationship I have...or had is with you, yet we spent it sleeping with our only friend that people think we're friends and not lovers."

"What does this have to do with anything?"

"It has to do with _everything_," Tegan says. "I never liked our sexual relationship with Emy yet I endured it because my love for you is too high to care about such a thing. I never felt good for you because I would come home and find everything pretty and clean and nice and I felt like I was doing nothing so I pushed myself to provide the money. I never understood your obsession with finding your biological parents because I've been so envious that you have such caring parents who love you more than my biological parents could care. I dreamed of having a normal relationship with my mother and not the one I have where I tell her to fuck off and she tells me to eat a dick. I just wanted a mother. I wanted a father who loved me for who I am and not what I can do to make his money grow. I had these parents when I was a very young child and they were poor, trying to live a better life for me. I lost them all of a sudden and I lost every ounce of love till I found you and now you're saying I mean what I said and think of you less? Really, Sara? Do you see that in me? I am nothing. I am literally nothing but this human that my father is controlling. I only feel like I matter when I'm in bed with you, when you hug me and kiss me and tell me it is okay to feel bad and feel sad and worry that I hurt you. I only feel like a human being when you talk to me like that person who cares and understands. I only feel okay when I see you happy."

I continue staring at her for a whole minute after she finishes pouring her heart out to me. We haven't talked about it at all. We haven't talked about what happened at all and this is the first time I hear her perspective and her point of view on things I didn't think about because she hasn't voiced them. Still, nothing justifies what has happened that day and she herself cannot justify it, which leaves me dancing on a thin ledge of whether I should take her in my arms and cry with her, or turn my face and ignore her.

I end up doing the latter because I still don't understand why she did what she did. I ignore her speech and tell her to pull the portable bed that Joy slept on each night. I show her where the sheets and pillows are and ask her to turn off the lights.

"Do you...want anything? Go to the bathroom or anything?" she asks timidly. Her voice is still raspy and her tears are silently falling. I shake my head and close my eyes.

Because I take a lot of medication that makes me fall asleep, I usually spend most of my days asleep in bed, but I can't close an eye more than half an hour this night because my mind is a wandering land. I can't stop thinking or worrying or asking many questions about what will happen. I pull myself into a restless sleep and wake up after a bit to hear Tegan's loud snoring. She hasn't snored that much since ever.

I listen to her heavy breaths and to the sound coming out of her lips. The melody drags me back into another sleep but I wake up again to her coughing, trying to take a calm breath but not able to get any air in her lungs. Honestly, this worries me because I know she is having something close to an asthma attack.

"Tegan," I call. "Tegan…" She does not respond.

She starts gasping for air, which frightens me so I reach out to the bed beside mine and slap her arm quickly. I can barely reach out for her arm and the pain in my back increases whenever I try to move but I do it anyway in order to wake her up before something terrible happens.

"Tegan, please wake up." I begin to panic. I reach out for the light on the bedside table and turn it on. I see tears streaming down her face and her eyes wide open as well as her mouth. I see her trying to breathe but struggling. I grab my puffer and throw it at her chest. She grabs it right away and inhales. She calms down for a second and inhales again, closing her eyes tightly, squeezing more tears out of her eyes. I stay looking at her for awhile until she calms down. One of the nurses comes up to see if something is wrong.

"Can you get her water, please? She was having an asthma attack."

"Sure," the nurse says. She walks up to the fridge and grabs Tegan a bottle of water, helping her sit up and chug all of it at once. I see the nurse's hands move behind Tegan's back, rubbing up and down.

Honestly...I miss doing this.

"You both have asthma?" the nurse asks.

"Yes," I respond.

"I got worried when I heard the noises, I thought it's you."

"Thank you," Tegan says, looking at me.

"Are you guys related? Is she your other sister?"

I chuckle, rolling my eyes. "She's my...girlfriend," I say.

"Mhm." The nurse gets it right away. It's not hard to see there's some tension between Tegan and I. I bet my mother saw it. I bet that's what they were talking about.

"Thank you," Tegan thanks me again when we're alone.

"What you said earlier still doesn't justify why you hit me the way you did," I say.

"I know," she says. "Nothing really will." She sighs, lying down again. "I think I lost you but I don't think I can let go, so just put up with me clinging to you because I can't...I can't live normally without you."

"You're melodramatic. You know you can."

She sends a sarcastic laugh my way and does not answer me for awhile.

"You don't love me anymore, do you?" she says after some time, when the lights are off again. When she sniffles, I realize she's crying again.

"I don't trust you anymore," I say. "Love is different than trust but it's not whole without it."

"I never trusted me," Tegan says. "I never understood why you were so self-deprecating and insecure because you were everything in my eyes."

"Seriously?" I wish she can see the roll of my eyes right now. "Please do remember your words when you were choking me and before that so you can realize why I've always been so insecure. It's like you really poured salts on my cuts when you opened your mouth that day."

"God, I'm so stupid," she says angrily.

"Better saying what you wanted to say than keeping it locked inside. It was gonna come out eventually."

When we both realize talking will get us nowhere, we go back to sleep after a ghostly silence swarms around us.

My parents arrive early in the morning. Joy helps me to the bathroom and gets me dressed in there. My mum asks me what's wrong with Tegan when she's pushing my chair down the hallway. I repeat the same answer I've given her yesterday. I don't care if she believes me or not.

"You guys realize I haven't showered since last week, right?" I ask my mother and Joy when I'm finally in my room.

"Yeah, you stink...especially in some places." My face heats up when my eyes meet Tegan's.

"Joy," my mum scolds.

"It's the truth. I'm the one who's been dealing with that super hairy situation." My eyes widen. I shoot a glare her way. I'm sure by now my face is all types of colors because I have the most annoying sister on earth.

"I can help you shower, Sara," my mother offers.

"No. I just need someone to get me there and I'll do it on my own. Just help me sit down, please."

"I'll do it," Joy says. She sighs irritatingly then glares at quiet Tegan. I'm sure my mother is questioning why Tegan is not participating in this.

After my shower, Joy helps me take baby steps in my towel and wet body back to my room. As I sit on my mattress carefully, I look at my legs full of hair and cringe. I don't think I've ever been this hairy before.

"Go out," Joy says to Tegan, "I'm gonna help her get dressed." I glance at Tegan who is sitting on my beanbag. She has two red eyes that are painful to look at. Her hair is damp and messy and her facial expression is unreadable.

"Is there anything she hasn't seen?" I mutter. "Just get me my underwear, I'll help myself." Joy sighs again. "You know, you whine and complain a lot for a person who isn't broken and doesn't have to be naked around almost everyone with so much hair on their body."

"I have to see that each day…sure I'm gonna whine a lot."

"Grow up, Joy," I say, "You're almost fourteen."

"Doesn't mean I have to see your vagina hair. Your legs hair is like dad's, I swear. Why aren't you a blonde like mum and I?"

I look at Tegan, who is silently looking at Joy helping me get into my clothes. I can't believe nobody had told her yet. I don't even have the energy to tell her. All I want to do is sit and do nothing because that's the only thing I'm good at. That's what my heart's capable of.

I spend my day reading a book in my bed. My mum moves the TV to my room so Tegan spends her time on the beanbag watching one film after the other. We don't say any words to each other…at all. Mum checks on us and shrugs whenever she comes with something in her hands. Tegan smiles and talks to her but the only face she gives me is the blank one that has neither an expression nor an emotion.

"You can sleep in bed next to me," I say. I don't know why I say it. I've been contemplating whether it is okay to invite her beside me on the mattress or not for the past two hours. What if she touches me? What if her hands touch my arm and she loses all her pent-up anger again? I know I'm being ridiculous, but the thoughts keep on fighting back any resistance in my mind. Tegan looks so vulnerable and small falling asleep on that beanbag. She looks tired and empty.

"Are you…sure?" Her octave is thick due to the heaviness of sleep that's hovering above her tongue.

"Yes…and change your clothes. You've been wearing them since you came yesterday. Please wear your pajamas."

I hate to say it or admit it even in the depths of my skull, but I've been sleeping in her bed alone for the past two months and she's been paying every penny even though we have technically, in a way, broken up. I do love her and miss her. Her words; however, ignite the fire that burns my heart when I recall them in my mind.

"I love the hair on your body. It looks good. I love it so much," Tegan says as soon as she takes her place on my mattress beside the wall.

"Is that your goodnight? Empty flattery?"

"I mean it." Tegan yawns. "Goodnight," she says, turning around and giving me her back. I'm the one who should be angry and not talkative…not her.

"Don't let the monsters kill you in your sleep," I say.

"Too late," she whispers, voice like a cold knife on heated flesh.

I don't find Tegan beside me in the morning. My door's ajar and the sound of the Hoover is coming from downstairs. My mum comes after I call her, forcing me to do some walking to the kitchen so my body wouldn't stay stiff. It takes us about fifteen minutes and lots of groaning till I am able to get to the kitchen and sit on a chair next to Joy and Dad. Tegan isn't there as well.

"Does it hurt, Sara?" my dad asks.

"No. It's perfectly fine. I feel nothing." He does not respond to my angry sarcasm. He flips through his newspaper and eats his breakfast silently. "Where's Tegan?"

"In hell," Joy says.

"Joy," mum shoots, "what's up with you and Tegan? What's going on?"

"Can I just know where she is?" I ask again.

"She said she wanted to take a walk. I told her it's cold as heck but she didn't care," dad says, shrugging.

"Great." I huff. "She'd just had an asthma attack two days ago. She wants to kill herself," I say.

"Why the hell do you even care about her? I hope she gets run over by a frikin' car," Joy shouts, making mum and dad…and Lucifer (which is sitting on her lap) give her confused looks.

"What's going on, Sara?" mum asks.

Just then, I am saved by Rob coming in. I sigh at the perfect timing but I know that I'll be interrogated later. I have to plan a lie till I am alone with mother and father again. I give Joy a look that promises her soon-to-come death and she rolls her eyes. I know she loves me and cares about me, but I guess some things are just better untold to people her age.

"Ohhhh, look at her. She's out and looking fresh. She's sitting on a chair and looking good." Rob walks up to me, hugging my side gently and placing a quick kiss on my cheek.

"Hey, Rob," I say. "Sit down." What I can't believe is Rob still, after all these years, has feelings for me. He admitted it right after I was out of the surgery room last week. He cried when he saw me in pain. I wanted to tell him about what Tegan had done, but I didn't want him to hate her like Joy does now. It was a mistake telling anyone. They all think she's a monster and I know she's not, even though I cannot feel safe around her. I wish I can deal with the complexity of my thoughts, with this opposition between heart and head, with this rivalry between the heat of the situation and the coldness of our love. I wish I can resort to a solution. I wish I can be the Sara I was before. I wish I can be this happy, silly girl.

"How are you, cupcake?" Rob says. He touches the hair covering my eyes and pushes back my fringe.

"Don't call me that." I giggle, pushing his hands off. "I'm good. I'm so much better."

"That's great. We need to get you a haircut…some new style…don't you think so, Jessica?"

"She looks adorable anyway." Of course my mum would say that. I roll my eyes jokingly.

"Actually, yes. I think I'm over the mullet. I just need to get better and I'll chop all that hair off." I take a bite of my omelet and ask, "Why do you always care about my hair?"

"I don't know, actually." He laughs. "Your whole face structure is pretty so I pay attention." I see the rosy hue on his face as I chew the food in my mouth slowly. My dad is looking at him from the corner of his eye, even though he is pretending to read whatever he is reading in his newspaper.

Tegan comes inside looking messy as messy can be. Her face is flushed and her hair is sticking up in different directions. Sweat is coating her brows and under arms. Her eyes are droopy and puffy. She looks at everyone with parted lips.

"Oh, I didn't know Tegan's here. Hi, Tegan," Rob greets her. She does not answer.

"Did you get another asthma attack? Are you okay?" I ask. She shakes her head and I'm not sure to what question.

"Tegan," my mum says, "is everything alright?" Tegan nods.

"I'll go shower." She disappears out of our sight, making my family, including Rob, look at me. If this isn't awkward I don't know what is.

My physical therapist comes afterward, so I'm forced to walk in my living room for about twenty minutes and do the most uncomfortable exercises that he thinks would make me feel better.

"You're doing great, Sara," he says, sitting next to me on the sofa. I nod, crying because of the burn in my legs and back. "It hurts that much because it's the first time. Next week you'll be so much better. We'll do this every day. I'll even come in Christmas."

"Oh, God," I say.

"You don't have to," mum says, "I can work with her. I know what you've done. The holiday is for you to rest."

"It's okay," he says, "she's been my patient since ten years ago; I'd like to help her."

"Thank you," I mumble.

"Anytime, Sara. I don't want you to have complications later on. I'm very sad that you had to go through this again. Please be careful next time."

"I will," I say. "Thank you, doctor."

Thinking I could run away from my mother's questions is just me hoping for too much. The doctor leaves and I'm left alone with her in the living room. She closes the door and sighs. I pet Lucifer and wait for the pouring questions that I will have to fake an answer to.

"What's up with you and Tegan?" Here's one.

"Nothing. We've been arguing. That's it."

"Why did Joy say all that?" Here's another. They won't end.

"Mum, Joy is an almost fourteen year old angry teenager who thinks that anything she hears is the truth. Tegan and I were yelling at each other and she took it personally. She didn't want Tegan to yell at me."

"Why would Tegan yell at you?"

"Mum," I say loudly, "not everything has to be shared. It's a private thing between her and I."

"I'll ask Joy."

"Go ahead." I try to get up, but fail. If only I can walk normally, I would have stormed out of the room. "You keep treating me as a naïve little girl."

She tries to help me stand up and, sadly, I have to let her. "I didn't mean to. I got worried and Tegan's actions have been confusing me."

Speaking of Tegan, mum and I find her crying alone in my bedroom. My mother doesn't say anything at all. She leaves us alone with only the clingy cat with us in the room. I wish I can touch her and tell her not to cry, but that has been me for the past two months.

"I get it," I say, "I forgive you, Tegan. I just…can't perform stuff…normally." The cat sits between us. I wait for Tegan to flinch but she doesn't move. She's hugging her knees. Her hair is still wet from her shower.

"I can't live with myself knowing I've done all this," Tegan says.

"What are you gonna do about it?" I shrug.

"I'll probably cry till I die."

"You're being dramatic."

"That's just me. You don't really know me."

"Here we go," I say. "I tried, you know."

"I know." Her sobs increase, making Lucifer meow.

I grab Lucifer, placing him on my lap. I start to cry, too. I don't see any bright side ahead of us and I don't understand anything. I want answers but confusion keeps on blocking my way. "Over a cat, Tegan. Just because I asked for a cat and confronted your obvious controlling behavior."

"I don't even understand what hit me. I really don't. I felt…challenged. I mean…it had upset me since the beginning of the year. This is not the same Sara I fell in love with, I kept telling myself. You have changed, don't deny it. You were this lively person who took charge of everything and then…there was just this gap that was growing between us. I didn't get you, I didn't get me, I couldn't even understand what was happening inside my brain…do you understand that?" I nod. "I don't know what happened."

"I didn't want to deal with my depression…and now…" a sob breaks my sentence, "I just don't get what's the point of me existing."

"Please don't say this." Lucifer brushes his head on my belly, purring softly. "I wish my tongue had been cut off before I said such words…words that I never meant and would never mean."

"I just want to be left alone, forever. That's what I want. That's what had changed in me. You went out every day and I isolated myself with a book. I just wanted something to do other than the house chores. I wanted something as simple as a cat like that to play with. My loneliness hovered from every direction. You didn't see it, you didn't notice it."

"I did," Tegan said. "I didn't know what to do. I wanted the perfect life and the perfect house and my rules to go the way I've always planned for them. I kept pushing myself, promising that after this hard work we'll be happy together in New York with a much better life."

"Why your rules? Why?" I ask her. That's the exact error we face, this dominance that she forces me to endure.

"Because that's how I'm used to do things. That's what my freaking father taught me. That's how I dealt with my mother and that's what you were so okay with at first…I didn't see it. I couldn't see it your way."

"And you still want me to come with you and follow those rules or be pitied and get what I wanted just because you feel sorry for what you did?" I snap at her.

"You say you forgave me but you didn't," she says very quietly. "But we won't go back. You deserve a good life. You deserve to work and participate as well because you are a smart person and you are going to help people." I raise one eyebrow in mockery at her meaningless words. "Your dad has found you a job and we're going to stay here. I'll just finish my semester and I'll catch up. I'll probably find a small job. We two will be working and we'll get some small place…and yeah. I guess that's so much better, actually. I talked about it with Jessica. It's gonna be so hard for me leaving these months for my last semester but I'll do anything for you."

"What the fuck?" I'm not sure I'm following up or understanding what she's saying. "What are you talking about?"

"Your dad has found a job for you at a school…and I can't, you know, live without you, so I'm going to reject my dad's offer and we'll live here. Sounds good to me." Tegan attempts a smile, but it's tired and fake and strange-looking.

"No," I say loudly. "No," I repeat. "That job…has been your dream since I met you. That job in particular. You don't have to stay with me…we're not together. I don't think I can be…with anyone…that way…"

"Why?"

"I can't…I don't know how to explain it." I furrow my brows. I feel the beats of my heart quicken. I feel the clenching of my stomach. I feel the same nostalgic feeling that drains the power of love within me. "I can't perform these tasks lovers do. My mind…doesn't…I can't…I can't…" I break down in tears, not knowing how to deliver the sting in my heart in comprehensible signals.

"I don't care what you give me or not…I just have to be with you because that's actually the only way I will be able to live normally…yeah. I can't explain it either. I don't care if you hate me or you don't talk to me…you just have to be there."

I'm scared. I've never been this scared. I'm not sure if this is some type of love we share or a phantom of danger that we have not been aware of till now. I feel suffocated with the strangeness of this relationship that we have. I love her, yet I can't let her near that much and now she's saying she can't stay far away. I'm not sure what the hell that is but I know nothing seems good for us at this point.

"I can't let you give up your dream," I admit. "I'd rather you go there and I come with you than you being locked up in here with me."

"You'll come with me?" she asks, surprised.

"I can't let you do this to your career. You worked hard…I didn't."

"Don't say that," she whispers.

"It's the truth." I wipe my tears. "But…I can't give you anything. I can't give you love or sex. I can't sleep with you or act like your girlfriend. I think I need…help. I think I do…"

Tegan starts crying again, she tries to hug me but I push her off violently. The fear is evident in her eyes. "I can't believe I caused this," she whispers.

I don't know what's wrong with my body; I can't get it to accept her touches anymore.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20! Well, looks like this one is gonna be longer than Halo.**

**Trigger warning: mental illnesses and suicide talk.**

* * *

There's definitely not much you can do when you're the offspring of one tragic mistake. But when you start finding out how that mistake has been shaped, carved, and molded, you know for sure that you cannot change a thing because you're the constant result of this mistake, and worse...the perpetrators do not think it is a mistake.

They think by giving me detailed letters I will understand their views, but all I can see is chaos within each line written by both of them. All I can see is torture, pain, violence, tears, and destruction. Yet, they think they are best together. My fucking mother (or, apparently, aunt) is stupid. She is actually stupid. She knows she is stupid. Everybody knows she is stupid.

"Sally." Jeremy sighs. He looks at his cheeseburger, scrupling to say what's on his mind or to respond to all my questions. "They're not making this harder for you; they're basically giving you their story together so you can look and judge by yourself."

"I can't just…live with them, Jeremy. I can't do that. I've seen enough, I've heard enough, and I've read enough. I am a mistake. My mother and aunt are lovers and I am the fucking devil child." I start crying. The thought itself is haunting and torturous. The words I've read and the actions they've done are repulsive. I am this seed of iniquity that they have produced with their disgusting love.

"Don't cry," Jeremy says. I look at his mouth chewing and then at his guilty blue eyes and his white hair. Everyone looks guilty, yet I do not see one true sense of empathy. Perhaps only with Stacy, but even Stacy is over it right now. At least she's not the result of this shit experiment; at least she has a new, better life right now, while here I am, stuck forever inside an incestuous fuckfest.

"You can always come live with Seth and I till you find a decent job and can afford living alone," Jeremy offers after he's done chewing. "Maya and Andrew will be so happy."

I wipe some of my tears when I notice a couple of strangers staring at me. I take a bite of my sandwich and hum. "As much as I love this offer and love your little happy family, I'll have to decline." I stuff French fries in my mouth and wipe the mayonnaise with the back of my hand. "I don't want to involve you guys with my incest drama."

"Wow, you're just like your mum," Jeremy says, chuckling. I glare at him. "Literally just like her." He laughs. "But, you know, I was the donor. So basically you're kinda my daughter."

"Thanks, dad, but no," I say. "I'm okay with living with Grandma Sonia, and Grandma Jessica is offering, too. But, you know, my college's here, so…"

"I understand," he says. "Plus, I'd like you around. At least I know you're safe."

"It's so weird when you act like my dad. Just…don't. I already have like many mothers."

Jeremy laughs. "I guess that's true."

"But," I say, "I don't consider Tegan as my mum even if she gave birth to me. My mum is Sara, she's the one who has suffered a lot and she's the one who's been in so much pain. She's the one that needs to be taken care of, but what she's doing is just stupid. She's the one who took care of me and loved me. Yes, Tegan was a great aunt, whatever, but she was never good to my mother. She hurt her and now my sick, stupid mother is back in her arms…her sister's arms." I take a deep breath. I don't want to cry again. Whenever these words enter my brain, I cry. Mothers…sisters…God, it's fucked up.

"Sally," Jeremy says. I know this tone; I know he wants to shut me up. He can't handle it when I insult my aunt.

"No, Jeremy," I say. "Listen to this letter." I look for the folded sheet in my jacket's left pocket, but I don't find it there so I search in the right one. "I'm gonna read to you what she has written."

He nods, gesturing with his eyes for me to start.

_Dear, Sally..._

_Good news is doctors here are brilliant! Sara's beginning to walk again. It's a miracle, we all think so. I cried so hard first time I saw her taking slow steps in the doctor's office. She cried, too. There's hope, and we can see it with our eyes. It's not the same dead hope everybody promised us when we were in Vancouver. I truly believe this land is where we belong. It's the start we were looking for. She's Sara Smith, I am Tegan Quin, and we are partners. We are not the disgusting sisters who were lusty for each other as everybody perceived us in Canada. There's nothing better than starting new. I wish you'd share this joy, we really want you to. We miss you, Sally. Sara wants you to see her trying to walk. I know you miss seeing her healthy and strong as she's always been. God, Sally, if you only know how much it hurts me to see her struggling. Yes, she has forgiven me, but I never will forgive me. That's the thing, baby: I don't ever want you to forgive someone who has abused you, even if your own mother has done so. I don't deserve chances and she has given me many, many of them. Don't ever say yes to abuse and don't ever accept it. Your mother is strong, she's amazing and beautiful. She is your mother, the one who life has punched in the face since she met me, and the one who has lost so much just to raise you and prove the world that mistrusted her wrong. Don't ever believe it when she puts the blame on herself and say she has suffered less than I did. Nobody suffered as much as she has, trust me. I can confirm that because I am the reason behind this suffering. Do not let her underestimate her pain. It's so like her to hyperbolize what she thinks is her failure and belittle the pain I have caused her. I want you to love her and forgive her. I'd be the happiest person if you knocked on our door on Christmas Eve, but I understand if you don't want to look at me. But please, please think it over. She's your mother!_

"How can I even go there after this? My aunt herself is admitting she's a psycho bitch."

"Did you even finish reading all the letters?" Jeremy asks with a furrowed brow.

"No," I say defensively. "I think I have read enough."

"Actually, you stopped because you're afraid you'd find out that Tegan wasn't in control of her actions if you continued reading."

"That's not true," I say.

"God." He shakes his head. "You're just like her, like Tegan. You both run away from reality by repressing it the longer you can."

"I am not like her," I say a bit too loudly for the quiet diner. "I am not sick," I whisper.

"Since you know she's _'sick'_, why are you arguing? Being mentally ill is not fun and games, Sally. Keep reading and actually get what had happened before you attack." Even though he's whispering, he is still sending chills down my spine, giving me the sense of fear for the first time, making me experience the feeling of having an angry father for the first time. I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. He seems serious, angry, and upset with what I have said. "Your mothers are not bad people. None of them is worse than the other." I close my eyes, nodding with tears once again falling from them.

**…**

**Tegan**

**June 1****st****, 2008**

She sits there, looking at the bright morning sky. The sun kisses her pale skin as she narrows her eyes, glancing at it as if she's asking to go there. Sadly, I know that she's asking to go there. Her brown hair looks much lighter under the rays of the sun. The light breeze is making her grown bangs sway and slap her delicate skin. The swing is slowly moving underneath her feeble body. She has a hand gripping the wooden bar of the swing, she's holding it too tightly as if she's afraid the wind would rashly kick the swing and send her brittle body flying into another land. She's holding onto that bar for dear life that I can make out her blue veins ready to burst out of her clenched fist from feet apart. Her gripe is wailing and shrieking for life to lock her inside its imaginary metal bars despite her crying calls for death each morning.

I look back at my mother. She is also squinting because the sun is in her eyes. I look down at the table, at the tea, at the cookies, at the flowers, at the wood…at nothing and everything. For the past six months, there were times I wanted to dig a hole in the ground and bury my shameful soul inside, and this is one of these times.

"She told you all of this?" I ask with a timid voice, not wanting to know any more truth, not wanting to hear anymore words. I look back at her again, still sitting there, indifferent to anything but the thoughts that stab her happiness.

"Mhm," my mother responds.

"How?" I say mostly to myself. "She refused to talk to anyone. Not to Emy, Amber, me, nor even to her parents."

"She just spilled it all out to me. She cried. I guess…maybe because I am a therapist. But…" My mother trails off, looking back at Sara sitting alone. "She's not…she's not well."

"I don't know what to do anymore," I whisper.

I never thought depression could be this monster mongering death each morning and promising loss each night. I never thought this word would be my nightmare. I never thought sadness could touch someone and ail them badly that they cannot perform their humanly functions like the rest of us. Depression became a painting that we hung beside Sara's dusty college degree. No pills worked, no doctors benefited us. Sara was slowly shriveling and retiring from life on her own. I never thought I could be the reason to someone's misery while they remain the reason to my survival.

Nothing was the same after I put a hand on her. I tried, I swear I tried to win her trust and love back, but the more I tried the farther we've detached. And it's not because she hates me and doesn't want me; it's because she hates herself and doesn't want to know that life is progressing outside of our room.

It was not that bad when she returned with me to Vancouver. She was able to speak, she was able to think, and she wanted to breathe. The hints were there and I've sensed them when I spoke to her in the hospital, but my ignorance did not allow me to see them clearly. We did not sleep on the same bed, as she requested. When I went to work, I left her asleep alone and when I came back she was still in bed.

Weeks after, I asked her to walk a little bit around the apartment, but she refused.

"That's none of your business," she said to me. "I do what I want."

"But the doctor said…"

"That's none of your damn business," she cut me off.

"Did you eat?" I changed the subject.

"No," she said. "I want to sleep. Get out."

Her behavior started to get aggressive slowly. I assumed it's her way of fighting back and I didn't blame her; I was still so ashamed of my doing. I let her yell at me and cuss me out of my room. After all, in a way, I forced her to come back with me.

But I was not the only one who witnessed the peculiar changes that had embodied my girlfriend all of a sudden. She was fine with Emy and Amber. She talked to them and I even heard her laughing once. However, weeks after our return, Emy came into the kitchen with a face so pale as if she'd seen a ghost. She sat beside Amber and me at the table and looked at us with wide eyes.

"Sara's not okay," Emy said.

"What do you mean?" I asked. There seemed to be lots of options to Sara not being okay. Was it her back? Her asthma? A flue? I didn't even think of her depression.

"Did you notice anything strange lately?"

"She treats me like shit, but I probably deserve it." I shrugged.

"She's been a bit moody while talking to us, too," Amber said.

"She just said she wants to die."

I furrowed my brows and my eyes narrowed as I stared at my friend's careworn features.

"And you left her alone?" Amber yelled.

"Shh," Emy said. "She fell asleep. I made sure she's asleep."

Words weren't doing their best to escape me. I was struck with a sense of guilt blended with hate towards myself and boxed with sudden grief and sorrow. I didn't notice I was crying till a screaming sob choked me.

Those were terrible times for everyone. I was working on my recovery for Sara, while her mental health was slowly deteriorating. Life faded out of her face. The things she loved to do most were ignored. All she did was stay in bed and stare into a blank space of nothingness but crippling thoughts that tore up her happiness. Eventually, Emy convinced her to go to the therapist. They went alone, because I was not needed in her personal space, and I understood that. She was diagnosed with clinical depression, and that's when I had to step in and inform her parents, which was not a great idea. That night we fought, but I tried to hold back all anger as she yelled her heart out.

"I didn't want you to go tell them. I don't want you to do anything…anything. Just don't do anything. I don't want anything from you. I want you to leave me alone. I want to die," she screamed. "I want to die," she repeated as she wept.

She was standing on her knees on our bed, and I stood near the door. I dialed up Emy's number immediately, asking her to come over in case something terrible happened. After these days, we knew Sara wasn't supposed to be left alone. That was in February. I couldn't leave work or college, so Emy babysat Sara one day and Amber did the other. They would take shifts staying in the store.

In March, after Amber's mother had died, I had to quit my job at the café to work at the art store with them, which allowed me to babysit Sara some days when Emy and Amber stayed in the store.

"Remove all sharp objects, all the razors, all the scissors, and all the medicines. Hide them in a place you only know," my mum told me when I informed her about Sara's situation. "That's not an easy thing to deal with."

"I know," I said. "The medication is doing nothing. She repeats she wants to die each day. She doesn't eat much. She has so much medication to take for her back and she needs to eat but she doesn't. She doesn't sleep but stays in bed and does nothing."

"Be careful," mum said. "She needs therapy."

"Her parents offered to pay but she refused. She doesn't want me to get involved or say anything."

"How come?"

"I...I don't know…things are not that good between us."

"What happened all of a sudden? She was fine!"

"I know." I sighed. "There were some hints. She told me to get her a cat and…" I couldn't tell my mother. I couldn't tell her at all, she'll be ashamed of me. "She felt lonely." I lied to my mother by telling hee Sara had fallen so she had to undergo a back surgery. "Since the surgery she hasn't been…normal."

"Tegan," my mum murmured, "please be careful. And tell me what happens with her each day."

Nothing much happened with Sara, though. I started studying in the room while she lay in bed. Since I read out loud, I heard tsking each minute (she hated when I read loudly). I tried not to bother her as much as I could. I let out my frustration in the punching bag I had gotten. I took cold showers and cried for hours in the bathroom. I could only take my showers when she slept because it wasn't safe to leave her alone. She only took her showers when Emy was in the place, so sometimes she stayed with greasy hair and smelly clothes for over four days because Emy couldn't get the chance to pass by.

One time I came into the room and I found her passed out without any clothes. Her body almost allured me into touching her skin if it wasn't for the strange voices I heard from her laptop. She had been watching a recorded tape of us in bed. When I watched more, I realized it's the tape that Emy was working on. She had finished it, apparently, and given it to Sara. I was surprised to see her in this state, but I admit it did spark up some hope in me. At that time, I had stopped believing that she loved me, but seeing our bodies moving and hearing our pleasured voices, my mind crawled back to those good days when Sara was so sweet, so fun, and so careless. That day I realized I had lost my Sara, but I also realized that she still felt for me and longed for the past to return. I promised myself that night I'd do the best I could to get her back on track.

"Why don't we go out?" I asked her the next morning. It was Saturday. "The weather's getting better. We could go grab dinner…or go to the movies."

"I…I…h…haven't gotten out of the ap...apa...apartment since…" She looked down at her clothed lap. I nodded. She hadn't left this place at all. She only went to the therapist. That day I knew I was to blame for everything she had been through. I didn't even ask her to go out nor did I take her anywhere. I didn't even bring her coffee when I had the chance. I didn't even bring any film. I was so focused on her health declining that I forgot to focus on how to get it back. I was doing every little work in the place we lived in. Since that day I told her the place was not hers and hit her, she had stopped touching anything or commenting on anything. She used to get the groceries, clean, and cook before the big fight, but after that she did nothing but sit in bed, crying for death to embrace her as if it was some loyal friend. I never felt so hateful towards myself more than that day. I realized I was, in a way, holding her captive against her will. I felt as if I was one of those men we both hated; one of those sexist repulsive men she once compared me to. I felt as if I was taking and not giving.

"Financial instability can cause that," my mother told me when I called her to pour out my feelings. "Most women used to have mental breakdowns because they did not have much will. They felt suffocated…as if they were ornaments in their husband's places." Mum paused for a second and then continued, "Why did you make her feel this way, Tegan?"

"I didn't mean to." I still did not tell her about me hitting Sara. I couldn't do it.

"She feels that she's useless and unworthy. She feels like there's no point in her staying with you but to please you. Tegan, you're…"

"Selfish," I finished for her. I should have not made us go back so I can get a freaking job handed to me by father while she sits there doing nothing but losing vigor.

"It's your job to help her now," mum said. "But it's not your job to pick and choose for her. You're not her guardian; you're not the boss of her. You're not the boss of anyone but yourself."

Sara accepted going out that night. She even asked me what to wear. I almost cried when she did make me choose between two shirts. Because of her lack of words for the previous months, she had developed a habit of incessant stuttering before pronouncing her words. Her lisp had greatly thickened that she stopped pronouncing the letter S, not even when she said her name. Her tone had gotten softer and even less confident. She tried not to make too much eye contact with anybody, especially with me.

"Which one do you feel like wearing?" I asked her. I didn't want to choose for her. I didn't want to give her that impression that I was taking over her whole life.

"I…I…don't kn...know."

"They're both nice. How about you choose?" I tried again. I was taking off my shirt in front of her, which I had not done at all since before the great fight. I saw her cheeks suddenly turn red as she looked down at my naked chest. She lifted her head up and looked at my eyes. I saw so many emotions there that I couldn't read, but I felt so much hope that I couldn't help but smile. I got rewarded with a very weak smile from her. That night was one of the best nights in months. Since the day I hit her, we had not smiled at each other. She lifted up her stripped shirt, covering her bashful face and indicating she was choosing it.

"Yes, good choice." I laughed and watched her walk out of the room to get to the bathroom.

We went to a small restaurant, and we faced each other. I noticed that she couldn't make eye contact with anybody, and she barely looked at me. Her grown mullet had become too shaggy and her cheeks had gotten fuller. The good thing was she was back on her feet again, able to walk without limping or too much pain. She was not supposed to carry heavy objects and was not supposed to walk for long distances, however.

"What do you wanna eat?" I asked as I inspected my menu.

"I..I…I…" She sighed frustratingly, unable to let the words out.

"It's okay, Sasa." She looked up at me as soon as I said her name that way. "Try." I did not want to push her, and I felt like I was pushing her just by telling her to try again. I had no idea what had happened to her ability of speech. Even Emy and Amber were shocked. It was getting worse with time.

"Don't…kn..know." She sighed again. "What…d..d..do you…w..want?"

"I wanna get what you wanna get," I said.

"Wh…why?"

"Because…" I honestly did not have any answer. I just wanted to make her feel that I was not that monster she had witnessed. I was changing. "Because I love your choices." I admit, that was a dumb sentence, and I know she did not buy that but she nodded and pointed at the mushroom burger with avocado sandwich and fries. "I haven't had burgers since….wow, since ever." I chuckled.

"M…m…me, too." I grinned at her, but this time she looked down without giving me anything in return.

I tried to make a small talk, but she was getting frustrated with her inability to utter words that she almost cried, so I stopped saying anything more. I didn't want to hurt her.

We ate in silence like two strangers sitting next to each other on a plane.

"I don't know," she said quickly right after she swallowed her last bite then paused. "Wh…what happened to…" She pointed at her tongue. "All of…a s...s…sudden."

"Does it feel different? Your tongue?" She shook her head. "Do you want to visit the Hearing and Speech Center?" She shook her head once again. "Why?" She shrugged. "Are you sure?" She nodded.

"How…how are you?" I noticed that if she spoke quickly, the sentence was normally pronounced; if she wanted to speak in a relaxed manner, she stuttered.

"Me?" I asked. She gave a nod. "I'm good. I…I miss you," I said.

"Yo..your health?"

"Good. Taking anger management classes and still on the meds." I took a sip of my coke. I got nervous when she spoke to me. Actually, I got butterflies and I felt stupid because it made me feel as if I was this geeky loser in high school waiting for this hot chick to speak to her. "But these meds are messing up my period big time," I started blabbering.

She laughed, and it made me want to blabber more, happy that we were interacting.

"M..me, too." She sighed. "I…" She took a long breath and spoke, "I either get…get it twice a month or…not get it for two months…since the su...su...surgery."

"Me, too," I said a bit too excitedly. I was biting my straw and smiling like a goofy child. "I feel so bloated all the time. Emy said I should do constipation ads."

"That's mean," she said without any stutter. It reminded me of the old Sara.

Maybe something in me hoped for more that night that I was disappointed when she got in the room and closed the door without inviting me in. I even thought, maybe, she would want me to follow, so I went there making up an excuse of wanting to grab some clothes.

"My nightwear is all dirty," I said as I walked inside. She was sitting on our mattress, staring at her feet. "Are you okay?" It was a bit ironic to ask that question, in so many ways. But she nodded anyway. "Do you want anything?" I was trying.

"No," she said without stuttering. "Th…thank you."

"I…" I looked down at the ground. I exhaled deeply then said, "I love you, Sara. I still do." She looked up at me. I saw things in her eyes but they were not tears, unlike mine which were watering. "I'll leave you now. Good night."

I was hoping for her to call my name, but she didn't.

At the end of April my dad wanted me to go down to New York for a week to show me how things should be done at work. It was a hard decision to make whether I should go or not. I told Sara, but she didn't care much. I asked her to come with me and she refused. Emy and Amber said I should go. My dad insisted that I should go. I also had to talk to all my professors. My finals were approaching and my marks were not as good as the previous semesters.

"We'll take care of her. We'll stay here," Emy said.

"Yes. Don't worry about anything," Amber said.

"I just wanna…stop hating myself."

"Stop doing that to yourself, Tegan." Emy sighed. "You made a mistake and you learned from it and you won't do it again. We all know you couldn't control what you've done and now you're getting treated."

"You are strong for getting treated," Amber encouraged. "It is so hard living with someone who refuses to go to therapy. I had to deal with my mother for years. Don't be too hard on yourself."

"I agree," Emy added. "Remember the hard times I went through? I was just like…her." She lowered her voice when she said the last word, since Sara was in the room alone.

"Yes," I said. "But you didn't push us away."

"Tegan, it's much harder for her because…because…" she stammered then sighed, giving up on her sentence.

"Because I'm the reason," I mumbled, finishing for her.

"You're part of it," Emy whispered.

"Why don't I leave you guys to talk while I go check up on her?" Amber suggested. She picked up a tray full of food that she had just cooked to take to Sara, who never desired to join us in the kitchen when we spoke.

"Tegan, look at me." I did as she said. "Sara's psychological issue is more complicated than we can perceive. The whole disability of proper speech is scary. I mean, it's Sara; she spat words like it was her job to do so and now she can't say anything without stuttering."

"I know," I said. "But, Emy, that's why she should see a therapist and that's why she needs so much help, which she is not allowing us to give."

"She's not allowing _you_," Emy said. "She loves you, but she's afraid."

"I won't hit her again," I complained.

"She knows that, actually."

"Then what is she afraid of?"

"Everything. Feeling like she's not good enough, feeling like she's a burden, feeling as if she's one big mistake that the world has birthed and threw for dogs to feed on. Those are her words." Emy shrugged. "I noticed that...she is trying. She asks about you, she makes sure you've been eating and sleeping."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Why doesn't she tell me that?"

"Talk to her. We kept talking to her. Her feelings are too complex and she doesn't let everything out, but we're trying and she's trying. She really loves you, Tegan."

The thing is…talk is cheap. I tried to talk to Sara before traveling; I explained my situation once again. I couldn't get any emotion out of her. She told me to take care, though, and that was the only tune I recited throughout my trip.

My father showed me the apartment he had bought for Sara and I as a gift for my hard work at college and something to cheer both of us up as I informed him about both of our medical conditions. He showed me different places in New York, which overwhelmed me and drove me into a nasty panic attack in the middle of the night. We were both staying at a hotel because my place was not ready yet—it was a very elegant apartment, a bit too large for only Sara and I, but it was nice and I know she was going to love it—I had to call dad that night and make him come over to my room. That night I told him everything that had happened between Sara and I and he promised not to tell mum.

I talked to Sara on the telephone each day but there was not much to talk about, so I asked Emy about her each day, just to make sure Sara was actually alright.

"She doesn't want to shower," Emy told me two days before leaving New York. "She hasn't showered since a day before you left. She kinda…stinks."

"Wow," I mumbled. Ironically, I was just out of the shower, and I was still in my towel. It was almost nine in NYC, so it was soon to be six in Vancouver. "That's clean freak Sara. Have you talked to her?"

"It's…" Emy paused. I sat on my bed and waited. I was too tired. "She hasn't even changed her underwear."

"Oh, wow." I chuckled. "I should be worried, shouldn't I?" I sighed as I fell onto my pillow, rubbing my aching head.

"Well," Emy said, "I think that…she really misses you."

"Really?"

"Yes." Emy hummed. "She's in your t-shirt. She's been wearing it since you left and…yes. She asks a lot about you."

I sat up, letting my towel fall. "Wait, wait. Really?" I was too hopeful and happy.

"Tegan, come on, she loves you."

"Oh my God." I think I squealed. I probably did.

"Yup, so," Emy said, "umm…we want to Skype. I mean, I asked her if she wanted to Skype and she nodded. She blushed, too. And I said I'll call and make sure you're not busy, so…"

"Oh my God," I screamed again. "Yes, yes, yes. Let me log in." I was too happy to care I was naked. I opened my computer and logged in on my account. Sara was on and I didn't hesitate to video call her. I lifted my towel up and covered my exposed chest quickly. Disheveled Sara greeted me.

I was shocked by how unkempt she looked: her attire so scruffy and her hair tousled. She stared at me with awe. Her eyes roamed over my wet, rosy skin, and I swear I saw her cheeks finally get some color in them.

She was still stuttering, but she was, surprisingly, better at making full sentences than before, maybe because Emy's with her.

"See?" Emy said. "People shower. You're gonna get a skin fungus or something." Sara did not respond. She stared at me and her hands reached for the screen.

"How…are you?" she whispered.

"I'm fine. I miss you," I told her, not hesitating. I touched the screen where her hands were resting.

Sara smiled. "H..h..how's New York?"

"It's good." I shook my head at myself with awkward laughter. "I mean, it's big. Lots of people. Lots of places. Lots of buildings. So much colors. It's overwhelming. We have a good place, though. Good area. Yeah…I told you about that. I can't wait for you to see it."

"Yeah," she murmured. "When are you coming…uh…b...back?"

"In two days," I said. "I told you." She nodded.

"Should I leave you guys alone?" Emy asked.

"N…no. It's fine," Sara answered before I could. Emy sighed, giving me that hopeless look.

"Do you…umm, miss me?" I pushed my luck, waiting for what seemed like an impossible miracle. I just wanted hope. I wanted something to save this relationship.

"I do." And she gave it to me so gently that I bit my lip so hard and fought the tears that wrestled to leave my eyes.

I wanted to hold her body so much that night, dirty and disgusting or not. It did not matter. I wanted to bury my face in her chest like old times and cry, and I wanted her to touch my hair and stroke it and make me feel better. My demons were raging inside me. I wanted to hit something or break something, and crying wasn't helping. I missed her so much and wanted her badly, yet she couldn't feel it. Her actions were out of control the way mine were. That night I realized we were both one big mistake that got together and formed a bigger mistake. That night I cried in my bed and touched myself till I woke up the next morning sick and tired.

"We all make mistakes, Tegan," my dad said to me the next morning over coffee in the hotel's restaurant. "If you keep beating yourself up, you'll never fix the situation."

"Dad, it's not easy." I sighed. I put some sugar in my coffee because I hate the bitter taste that Sara loves. Everything reminded me of her that even coffee almost made me sob. "Look what happened to her because of me."

"It's not because of you. It was already there and it was probably bound to happen because you weren't paying attention. You just pushed it to get out faster." I felt like I was talking to my mother, which annoyed me.

"Thanks. Now you're saying that I'm the reason anyway because I'm a shit girlfriend and I was ignoring my girlfriend who gets horny over the idea of death." I closed my eyes and shook my head at what had come out of my mouth. My tears started falling. I was a terrible girlfriend and he could not deny it.

"You're still young and she's your first girlfriend. Lessons will be learned, Tegan."

"And I want her to be the last one." I cried like a desperate being, but I _was_ a desperate woman. "I can't live without her. If only you get it."

"Oh, I do. Trust me, I do." He nodded to himself, taking a sip of his coffee.

"How? Have you ever made such a terrible mistake with, like…my mum or someone you really loved that it hurt you so much?"

He chuckled and nodded again. "I have. I have done so many terrible mistakes, ones I can't even tell you about because I promised Sonia some topics would stay between her and me. I fixed most of my…let's say, grave mistakes, but there are the small ones that made us get a divorce, you know."

I did not know anything. I never felt lost more than those two days I spent in NYC crying my heart out. The plane back home was horrible, as well. I threw up two times and cried more. I looked like death when Amber received me at the airport; I almost fainted between her arms.

Seeing Sara in flesh and blood was an entirely new feeling. It's like I've been gone for centuries, not a week. I realized then that we hadn't departed since 2004 (except these two weeks she flew to Toronto a few months ago) when she judged my personal hygiene. Four years later, Sara smelled so bad that I loved it so much because the smell just reminded me of how far we've gotten together and how much I was willing to lose to be back the way I was before for her and for myself. That hope sparked out of my eyes that I reached a hand for her, asking her to touch it and she pulled me to her, hugging me in front of Amber and Emy. I cried in her chest the way I was waiting to do and she cried as well. She sobbed so hard. It was the miracle I was waiting for. It was the happiest moment since a long while.

Though I wanted to kiss her, I didn't. I was too careful and I let her do most of the touching. She touched my face and looked into my eyes. She mouthed her need for me and her need for help. Her voice was too quiet to be heard but I heard each word louder than the drumming of my chest. Amber and Emy decided to leave us alone.

"I missed you," she said without a single stutter. "I…I didn't know how much I'd miss you. It's like…we haven't left each other at all. And like, uh…like, you know, when…when I left you a few months ago…af…after the…uh, the, you know…I mean…I was mad at you and sad but now…I miss you so much and I need so much help because…" She buried her face in her hands and wept.

I was shocked. More than shocked, actually. I was stupefied.

"Sara," I said, "I'm here. I'm always here because I need you as much as you need me and maybe even more. I'm doing all of this for us but I don't want you to feel like I feel that I am more than you because I feel so much less. I feel so small."

"I always…I always want to die. I just want to die."

"Don't say that, please." I cried more. I despise this sentence so much.

"I can't help it. I think of it…I think that life is all meaningless for me and that it's...it's okay to die, but…I don't want to. I don't want to. I want to stop wanting to die. D…do…do you get me?"

"I won't let you think of it," I told her. "I'm here with you. Emy and Amber are here with you. It will be fine. Everything will be fine, eventually. I just need you to trust me again, to talk to me again. I want to save us, Sara." I put my hands on her shoulders and gently rubbed. She closed her eyes and nodded.

"Are you…al…alright?" My eyes squinted, so she said again, "You look…uh…p…p…pale and tired. Are you…tired?"

"Yes," I mumbled, still staring at her golden eyes. "It was a horrible flight. I puked twice. Haven't gotten much sleep. I just really missed you, honestly." Sara giggled. It made me smile. "I think I need a shower, though."

"Yes…me, too." She looked down at her messy state. I saw her nose twitch and her cheeks redden. "I am repulsive."

"I love you, anyway." I was cheesy.

"Can I…shower…with…with you?" Everything halted in that moment. I looked at her, waiting to wake up from a dream. She looked at me with a blank face. I could not believe what I had heard. I wanted to shout and scream and call everybody I know to tell them what Sara had told me.

When we were taking our clothes off in the bathroom, I still did not believe what was happening. More than six months without any contact, without any affection, without any love… and suddenly, one night, Sara decided to end that brutal deaf and dumb relationship. I ogled her body like I had never seen it before. The hair covered most of her skin and grew thicker and much darker on her mound and under her arms.

"There's uh…" She blushed as she got in the shower after I had made sure the water was warm. "There's so much hair and I'm…emb…embarrassed. It's too much…everywhere."

I pointed down at my pubic hair as well, to show her she was not the only one. "Hair doesn't disgust me, Sara. I like seeing that…seeing you, in this natural state."

"I'm fat," she said randomly. "Cortisone is making me fat and I don't eat because…I…I don't have an appe…appetite, but I'm fat."

"Stop criticizing your body and self, please," I whispered. "Please," I said again. Yes, I could see she had gained some pounds, and I knew it was because she had been taking this stupid medicine that made her gain weight because of the hormones in it, but she was still not classified as fat. Even if she was fat, it's not like I was going to stop loving her or her body. I just wanted her to understand that, but I couldn't change things, I couldn't tell her what to understand and not to understand because I was not her, and I always forgot to remember that we were different people; just because I'm confident, it doesn't mean she has to be.

"I wanted to shave but you…you hid all the razors." She frowned. "I don't…want to look bad for you…and I am a turn off, aren't I?" I looked up at her, watching her wet hair cover her face. I looked down at her heavy breasts and hard nipples. I wanted to let her touch the river between my thighs, but I knew I shouldn't get too far even if she was giving me hints about that.

"Hair doesn't turn me off," I told her as I poured the liquid coconut body soap onto her loofah. "In fact, nothing turns me off right now. I'd get turned on just by looking at you. I am right now, actually…in case…you…you wanna check."

Sara sat down and laughed. I sat opposite to her and touched her hands. "You…you haven't had sex? At all…with any…wo...woman?" I knew by then she had said what she had said in order to know if I slept with anybody or not. I let go of her hands and looked at her.

I lifted up my right hand and said, "Only with this. Not really…good in bed." I made her laugh. "Sometimes with this." I showed her my left hand. "Better than her sister but same shit…nothing too exciting." I inhaled deeply then said, "No, Sara. I hadn't had sex with anyone. I barely masturbated.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking down at her body. I handed her the loofah, and she took it right away to clean herself. I wish I could do it for her, but I knew better. I cleaned myself on my own, too.

"I couldn't…" She said after she was done lathering the soap all over her skin. "I tried to…touch myself…I…I…couldn't. I opened this…umm…video…Emy made for us…yeah…and I…fell asleep." She laughed, and I did, too.

"Wow," I mumbled.

"I don't know what happened to me."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"You really…sh…should be."

The thing with depression is that you cannot control it; it feels like those times when you were a child in your father's car, thinking that the moon is the one following you wherever you go. It's everywhere. It's shiny and it's lurking right behind you and it's waiting for you to close an eye so it can brighten up more for you. You sleep and depression does not sleep until it devours all that is you. You can't stop thinking of death, because that's not something you can do. You can't say stop being depressed. You can't say sadness is a blessing because it is not. You can only try to make that person step away from that demon when they are with you, so you try to be with them as much as you can. That's what I did with Sara and the results were so slow and tiring but I tried and she was trying because she was tired. But there was always this reluctance that came out of her and it made me furious at times.

That night I slept in our bed, and after that night I was back again in our room. We showered together for the most part, but never touched each other. We did talk, but never joked.

"Tegan," my mum says, pulling me out of my thoughts, "stop crying. It's been an hour." I have been crying for the past hour, thinking of everything that has happened in the past six months.

"I feel so ashamed," I told her. She suggested we spend the three weeks before moving out of the country at her place in Calgary. I thought it was a terrible idea because I knew Sara wouldn't want that, but surprisingly, Sara was more open to it than me. So I graduated and we flew to Calgary.

"You're helping yourself, you're good," mum says. "But, Sara…" She paused. She took another look at Sara and looked back at me. "I'm not sure if this is a healthy relationship. She needs so much help. And…she can't even speak well again. She needs therapy. She can't be left alone from nine to five, five days a week. What if she…"

"Mum, no." I rejected the idea. I couldn't even put it in my brain. "She never tried. I asked her, I made sure. She said she thought about it but couldn't do it. Plus, you know, I hid even the forks and knives and everything sharp or dangerous. I'll do the same in NYC. And um…" I paused to take a breath then continued, "Emy and Sara's parents arranged this schedule. So she wakes up and Skypes with her mum then with Amber and Emy, and then I call her and then she talks to Rob and lastly to Joy. And, also, I made her parents ship her keyboard to the apartment and I shipped the guitar, too. I want her to focus on music until I find her a job. And, you know, you and dad got us the cat, so…I guess…I hope that will be good. I hope. I'll try to take her out and talk to her and be more available."

"Alright," mum says. "That's not bad. I'll talk to her, too. She opened up to me. I can feel that…there are some stuff she's hiding regarding her family…I mean that's what I understood, but I didn't push her to say anything she's not comfortable with. But she opened up about how she feels and that's really good."

I'm not sure if Sara has told mum about her being adopted, but from what mum said, I think Sara left that part out. She only told Emy last month, but Emy was not surprised; she said she has already suspected it. I know mum probably can see it, or suspects something like that.

"What's up with her family?" I ask.

"I'm not sure. There is this part she's leaving that may or may not be a factor…" mum cuts herself off, looking at Sara. She smiles, so I turn around, seeing Sara looking at us. I smile, too. "Hey, why don't you go sit with her? She's been looking at us for the past half an hour. I'll go prepare the table."

I don't hesitate to do what mum said; I get up quickly and walk up to Sara. She shifts her body, making a room for me to sit next to her. She smiles at me, which is a good sign. When she smiles, I always think it's a good sign to talk to her. She looks up at the sun, squinting. She sighs in content, which takes me aback.

"I…I like it h…here. I…like this place," she tells me. "I feel…I feel great!"

"Really?" I ask a bit too excitingly.

"Yes," Sara says. "You know…I…it's…" She exhales deeply. "Some days I felt so ugly, so stupid, so worthless…s…some days I felt horrible. I hated looking at m…m…myself in the mirror. I hated my hair, my clothes, my features, my body…I just…I just hated myself. I just wanted someone to tell me that I'm pretty or smart or worth it…to feel like I do matter. And if n…nobody did that, I'd break down and cry…and sleep…and just…I'd feel bad, you know." I nodded, listening to her finally speaking more than one sentence. "But some days, I felt so good about everything and I felt confident. That was…normal…for me. I envied the way…you were…so…so confident and so sure. I just wanted…to be like you, and I admired it…I was jealous but I was happy that…I, you know, I have a girlfriend who is so…smart and funny and nice and pretty and hardworking…and sexy, too." A quiet laugh left her lips.

"Turned out it's just my Narcissistic Personality Disorder doing the job." I laughed in a high pitch. She looked at me with pursed lips.

"Don't say this," she whispered. "I…I didn't know…I felt it…I didn't know."

"I know," I tell her. "You helped a lot…you came in my life in the right time…and guess what, I blew it." I chuckle.

"You're fixing it," Sara says. "I…I feel so good today. I don't know…what's hap…happening? I can even…talk better. You can see it, right?"

"Yes, I do."

"It's…your mum, she's so…good. I l…love talking to her. She's smart and she listens…she makes me feel good."

I smile and move myself closer to Sara. I touch her hand gently, waiting for a nod and she gives it, so I squeeze her hand. "I love you," I whisper.

"We need each other. It's n...not good. Need is so...dangerous, you know? It's like when you...need so...someone, you can't live without them. Like, it's...like, you're addicted to them. And I need you, you know. But...there is always...this...this impediment that stops us. It was...my relationship with Emy, and then...then your fear of love. Then the whole...Emy being our...bed partner, which was, I guess...bad. And now...this...this thing...m...my feelings and your feelings, my illness and yours."

"Girls," mum shouts from inside the kitchen, "come and eat before dinner is too cold." She saves me from saying something stupid, because I honestly don't know how to respond to what Sara has just said.

"L…let's go. I'm hungry," Sara says.

I don't think I have felt that good for awhile (and it's ironic because I was feeling so terrible just an hour ago). There was that day we went to the restaurant and that day I came back from New York, but this day simply wins. Maybe things do need time and patience like my dad has said. Maybe Sara and I will be back the way we were before. I'm not sure if some broken things can be glued together again, but I'm going to try my best to make this relationship come back to life.

"I think…some man is…umm…in your mum's room. I saw…a car park and a man…go inside while you were in the bathroom," Sara says after I switch the lights off and get in bed.

"Oh, God. You're serious?"

"I'm…I'm not sure. Maybe he's, like…out now."

"I don't wanna see, I don't wanna know." Sara giggles. "Come here…if you want."

"Yes," she says. I feel the heat of her body getting closer until I feel her body right next to mine. I grin in the darkness at the progress we have made. It's been seven months and now…we can finally cuddle when we sleep.

**…**

I feel shifting and movement beside me. I open my eyes to see Sara getting out of bed. "Hey," I mutter, hearing the raspiness of my voice. "What time is it?"

"Five, forty-two," Sara says. "I need to…g…go to the bathroom. Sleep."

"Oh." I yawn. "Alright."

I doze off for awhile and when I wake up, Sara's not beside me. I rub my eyes and get up. I look at the time in my phone: 6:11. I feel the panic creeping in, making me rush out of my room and into the bathroom. I find Sara lying on the floor with her head buried in her hands. I freak out, my mind is already preparing for the worst. I bend down in front of her.

"Sara, what's wrong?" My voice is shaky and my heart is at the level of my feet.

Sara removes her hands away and shakes her head. "S…sorry," she whispers. "I have the worst…cramps and…" A sob cuts off her sentence.

"Oh, baby." I touch her shoulder, wanting to hug her. "I'm so sorry."

"And you hid all the Advil." She cries more. I try my best not to laugh at how cute she looks, but a giggle forces itself out of my lips. I have hid all the drugs away except hers.

"I'm so sorry," I say again. I haven't laughed for something so silly coming out of Sara for a long time. I missed this. God, I missed it so much I'm about to fly like a stupid little bubble. "Let's go back to the room. It's in there. I'll make your tummy feel better."

We leave the bathroom together, but I stop as soon as I hear a masculine voice coming from my mum's room. Sara stops, too.

"Go, go," I hear my mum whisper and see her door slowly being pushed. "They're asleep now, don't worry."

I tense up, feeling my entire body jolt. I feel a warm hand touching my own. I look up at Sara, who is trying to comfort me with the looks of her eyes. She rubs the back of my hand with her thumb. Her golden irises focus on mine. I look back at the door to meet the man my mum is hiding in her room.

"Tegan can't know…" My dad stops in his place as soon as my glare meets his eyes from down the hall. My eyes widen and his eyes do, too.

"What's wrong?" I hear my mum. She leaves the room in the skimpiest night gown I have ever seen. "Oh, God," she shrieks and goes back inside.

Sara's face is flushed, my dad's face is on fire, and I am here confused and shocked of what my eyes has just witnessed. "H…hi, Tegan," dad says awkwardly.

"I don't even wanna know." I pull Sara's hand and walk to my room. I slam the door and burst in loud laughter. Sara sits on my bed. I cry and laugh at the same time. "They're fucking. My parents are fucking," I say. "I thought mum is with a stupid ass man and I was gonna lose it but it's my dad and I like seeing that but I'm disgusted and happy at the same time."

Sara smiles. She doesn't say anything.

"That's, like, so disturbing, but it's not…like…wow."

"Tegan," Sara whispers, "I n…need an…Advil."

"Oh, yes. Sorry." I can't let my mind calculate what I have just witnessed. I can't even feel bad or sad. I feel good about it because I love the idea of mum and dad being together. I mean, I know, I know they're just sleeping together. But if mum is with dad again, I'll feel happy for her. It would not benefit me since I'm out of this house, but it will be good for her. Dad is a good man. He is loving and nice and he doesn't hit, or cuss or take advantage of her.

"Here you go." I hand Sara the capsule. "Is it okay if you'd drink from my bottle? Yours is empty." I hold up my water bottle for her and she takes it. "Aww." I sit next to her. "Is it that bad?" She nods, sighing after chugging down all the water. "Do you want a tummy rub?"

"Yes…uh…please." She moves her body back until she lies down on the mattress.

"One of us always manages to period at the other's house, huh? It always happens." I laugh. I sit next to Sara and place my hand on her lower abdomen. I see the goosebumps fill her skin as soon as my hand starts rubbing.

"I'm embarrassed," she says. "I…scared you and…made us see your parents."

"Oh, shush. I'm glad I saw them." I snicker. "Mum won't look at us for the rest of the day. She looked like a whore in that weird thing she was wearing. She's crying from embarrassment right now, I bet."

"Oh, I feel bad," Sara says.

"Don't," I say. "I haven't had a good laugh since ever." I sigh and lie down next to Sara, my hand never stopping its movement. "Is this okay?"

"Y…yes. It feels good."

I look at Sara's face. Her eyes are looking at my features; they're roaming up and down, inspecting each detail.

"Close your eyes," Sara mumbles. In spite of my confusion, I do as she says.

I jump as soon as I feel her lips on mine. The beating of my heart quickens and the knots invade my stomach. I allow the kiss to grow by giving up to Sara's sudden dominance. I moan as soon as she pulls away. I feel her breath hitting mine. It feels like the first time we have kissed. It reminds me of the first time we have kissed. She closes her eyes and kisses me again. I do feel it: her passion, so intense and ferocious. It's vital and vigorous; it's alive. I hear her soft moan and feel her hand tracing my jaw line. It's hard to believe I haven't kissed these lips for more than seven months. How did I survive?

"Oh, God," I say as soon as we depart. "Oh, God…Oh, God." Sara giggles, brushing my hair. She gives me the sweetest smile, making me forget about how much I have hurt her.

"I missed this," she says. "I missed you." She reaches for the hand that's still rubbing her tummy and kisses the back of it. "Thank y…you. Thank you for trying and wo…working hard on yourself. Th…thank you for staying here. You…you make me happy." I start crying, hearing the words I never thought would leave her lips. "You make me…f…feel better."

"Oh my god." I gasp. I wipe my tears and smile. "Don't say that. You're the one who does all of this for me. You're the one who makes me feel happy and safe and everything."

"B…be patient with me," Sara says. "Some days are hard."

"I know. I'm here. You never left me. I can never leave you. I'm the one who should be thanking you. In fact, thank you. Thank you so much. I'm better now because of you, you know."

"I love you," Sara says. She does not stutter. She does not hesitate.

I never felt this good being cheesy. It feels great, it feels wonderful. Simplicity in love is better than any wild complication that is claimed to make the love fierce and more exciting. There is nothing more exciting and refreshing than the kiss of a lover, the touch of a lover, and the words of love and affection coming out of the lover.


	21. Chapter 21

**Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts.**

* * *

**Sara**

I sigh contently and close my eyes. I stretch and yawn then I smile. I hear the panicky groans of my girlfriend as she tries to get ready. I've never seen her so self-conscious and worried as she has been the previous week, which required so much effort from me not to break down because I had to be as strong as I could be in this weak state in order to support her. I guess starting, or, actually, managing such a big job is not easy for someone with such a little experience. I know she can do it; she can do anything, but she's been so stressed out lately that the bags underneath her eyes need serious makeup techniques.

I look at her trying to decide what to wear. What's funny is that she's in a Winnie the Pooh shirt, Mickey Mouse boxers, and a purple tie. I have to do this every morning—I have to pick something out for her to wear because if I don't, she'd waste so much time moaning about having nothing to wear, when she has everything anyone can dream of, and, gladly, I can share with her.

I get out of bed and walk to the closet. She gives me the room to start picking and choosing, which does not happen often with Tegan, so I take advantage of this wonderful moment of capability.

I clear my throat twice then open my mouth and close it three times before talking (an exercise I was told to do before speaking when I went to the doctors about my communication and speech skills). "D…do you…" I pause, taking a breath, then I continue, "Do y…y…you want…t…the tie?" Mornings are always hard. At the end of the day I can pretty much talk normally, but the mornings always need some practice. The doctor said I've been put in a traumatic situation, which caused me this disability. That made Tegan feel resentful towards herself.

"Yes. I wanna look like I can fucking boss these motherfuckers." Tegan's employees have been giving her a hard time at work because she is basically younger than everybody. I get and understand what they must be feeling because I wouldn't want someone fresh out of college coming to boss me when I've been working my ass off for years, but I know what my girlfriend is capable of. I know she can be better than all of these people. Her GPA is fucking perfect, her ambition inspires me, and her passion for what she does is just beautiful. I know she can prove herself. I am proud of her, I really am proud of her. The previous year was the hardest for both of us, but right now things are getting better. They're slow, but they're getting better.

"W…well, I…" I clear my throat again. "I think you…should probably take these boxers off, because, umm…they kill the look I'm…ab…about to give you."

Tegan looks down at her underwear and shrugs. "Nobody's gonna see them."

"I…I will," I whisper.

Sometimes I like to tease her in the morning when I know she's been so tensed up. I like to make her forget about the stress of work. I know it's killing her what I'm doing; I know I am cruel this way since I don't give her anything of me, but I can't help it and I'm not ready for it just yet. Every time I think I am, I cave and cower. I don't know what happens to my body when I am this close to sex. I can be naked with her the entire day, but as soon as things lead to other things, I turn into another person blanketed with fear. It's not that I am scared she might hurt me, I am just scared we'll ruin this—this thing we have now; this pure, beautiful relationship we reconstructed with honesty; this love that we share; this calmness. Sex is too stormy for my heart right now. I love her and want to touch her, but sex reminds me of the mess we created together with Emy, and of the mess we have become, so I don't want to go back to that point. It's like we have gone to rehab and got clean and now we should just practice purity.

In other words, as Emy has pointed out to me, we have a bed death.

Tegan takes off her boxers in one swift movement. I gaze at the Mickey Mouse material crumpled between her feet then make my way up her slender legs till I reach the hair thoroughly covering her pubic area and concealing her vulva. I don't think I've ever seen her this hairy that I can only see hair, but I am not surprised, and, actually, a bit relieved because that's how I've been looking for the past few months. Surprisingly, it does not bother me at all.

I see familiar and unfamiliar expressions on her face. I see need and I see supplication. I also see sheepishness; mellow, coral sheepishness. I suppress a smile and force my person to behave with seriousness. I don't ever want her to think that I will be the Sara I was before because that Sara has lost too much. The past is the past and I believe in that, but some stuff will always stay the same. I joke now, and that's fucking wonderful because I've been living in a ghost body for months, and now I can finally crack a joke or two during the day. I do have terrible days and, God, they're so fucking awful, but Tegan does not leave me and tries her best to get me through them. She has her own terrible days, as well. But I do leave her alone because that's what suits her. Once she calms down, we can be around each other again.

"Okay," I say. "A suit, al..alright? You're gonna look like a…a…a full hot dyke who can take care of things…um…yeah?" I smile because my speaking is already becoming better.

"Oh, yes, yes. I want," Tegan says excitingly.

"This shirt…uh…w…w will look really good with the tie." I hand her a light thistle-colored shirt. I open her underwear drawer to hand her a new one; my eyes immediately catch the only black lace in there and my hands go for it. Before turning around, I hear a loud shriek that makes my heart drop to the floor. I turn around to see my girlfriend covering her mound with both hands and see my cat standing close. The scene is hilarious. Tegan's still scared of cats and I still laugh each day whenever something happens. Last week Tegan woke up with Cyndi sitting on her tummy. Tegan, well, she kinda peed herself. She swore she didn't, but I know she did. I know scaring her like that is not a good thing, but it's really adorable and funny.

"Oh, oh, bad kitty," I whisper. I pick my grey kitten and kiss her head.

"She saw me naked. She saw my vagina and ass. Oh , my God." Tegan puts on her underwear quickly. Her face is bloody red and embarrassed.

I laugh loudly. "Pussy saw your pussy," I say a bit timidly. I know I am blushing. I see the smirk on her face.

"Seriously, Sasa, she can't see us naked. That's wrong. You can't get her in the bathroom with you."

I laugh again. "Tegan, it's…it's…just a cat. She doesn't uh…uh…understand." I swallow hard and clear my throat.

"Yes, she does. She has eyes." Tegan glares at the cat and it doesn't make me angry, it makes me smile.

"F…finish getting dressed so I…I…umm…" I completely lose my sentence, which frustrates me, turning my face hot and red. Tegan gives me an apologizing smile and nods. This means she wants me to try again. "I hate it." I sit on my bed and sigh. "Words go."

Tegan sits next to me. She puts her hand on my upper back and rubs gently. "You're actually so much better right now, babe. Practice is making you better. You know, reading this weird literature stuff of yours is making it easier for you to say long words. It'll take time but it'll be alright." She kisses my forehead more than one time then kisses my lips. "What did you want to say?"

"Makeup," I mumble. "I…I…wanna do it for you." I point at my face, just in case the sentence didn't come out well.

"Oh, yes. Yes, let's do it. But, like, not so much because I don't really like makeup."

"Just to hide…umm…the b..b…these." I give up, pointing at the dark circles under her eyes. "You need rest."

"See, love, when you think too much about getting the words out or you're afraid you'd say something that would offend me, you're stuttering. But when you speak while you're relaxed, you're saying everything the way it is. Just don't be scared of me, please. I am your…your Tegan. I am little and I am not scary. I just did something scary and bad once but I am very small, yeah? And, like, I, you know, I don't control this. I am not a peevish man. I am not this ruler of the house. I just want your love and affection and want to make you feel happy because there's no one I fucking love more than you."

I tear up as she speaks and try to hide it by burying my face in her chest. I hug her and squeeze our cat between us, which makes Tegan squirm in fear. "She's not gonna eat you," I whisper, noticing what she's said is actually very true. "Pussy doesn't eat you, you eat pussy."

Tegan pushes me playfully while she guffaws. "That ship has sailed," she whispers. She gets up and turns around. Sometimes she likes to throw some words out there to make me know how much in need she is, but I pretend like I don't notice. Other times, I apologize for what I'm going through, which makes her feel bad for saying these things.

"N…no hot girls in there?" I swallow, waiting for her answer. This time I choose a different approach.

"Umm, there are. A lot, actually. But they're not, you know, my girlfriends, nor do I wanna date them. I don't really…I mean, Sara, honestly, you're the only one I'm attracted to." Bullshit. If I can be attracted to Emy and Tegan at the same time, she can be attracted to ten other girls, as well.

"Hmm." I pat my cat and nod.

"I swear," she says.

"I…uh…I believe you and I'm…s…s…s…"

"Sorry? God, don't be. It's your body and your life. I can wait forever for you." Another lie, I'm pretty sure. I love Tegan, but my trust has been shredded into pieces since that damned day.

"Let's uh…fix…um your…"

"Makeup time," she finishes for me. We walk to the bathroom and our cat follows. Cyndi sits on the closed toilet seat as I cover Tegan's dark circles with my concealer. She hates makeup and doesn't understand it. She has nothing but mascara and a foundation. I don't have much either, but I am a bit more informed than her.

"So, babe," Tegan says while I blend in her concealer. "The list for today is?"

"Music," I say, tapping my middle fingers gently underneath each closed eye.

"Yes, practice well. I'm gonna hear that song when I'm back."

"Okay."

"And practice anything you want to read. I'm also gonna test you when you're back."

I giggle unwillingly.

"Why are you laughing?" Tegan asks. She opens her eyes, looking at me with a curious smile.

_You're so demanding and you still order and control when you want to do the opposite of that._ "Nothing," I say instead. It's in her nature, she can't help it. "An…anything else?"

"Yes. You're gonna talk to everyone and I will talk to you." Tegan pauses as she looks at herself in the mirror. "Wow. Fuck, Sare, you're a miracle worker." She kisses my temple. "I look so fucking good. Oh, my God. I look so fucking hot I'd do me." Yup, that's Tegan.

But I have to admit, she looks so fucking good I want her to do me with a strapon in this suit. She looks handsome—her hair's pushed back and gelled, and her features sharp and attractive. The suit is just fucking amazing.

"Babe, babe, don't cook, okay? We're going out tonight. I'm taking my girl out," she sings as she admires her person in the mirror.

"Okay." I laugh. "We will."

"I love you. Thank you," Tegan says. She kisses me two times quickly and walks to the door. "Bye, love." Tegan waves and I do, too. "Bye Cyndi Lauper," Tegan says to the meowing cat. "Yes, yes, you wanna get rid of me, I know."

"Bye, Teetee," I say. "I..l…love you."

Nothing much has changed in NYC. When Tegan goes to work, I stay alone at home doing nothing in particular. I've been writing music and Tegan is my critic. She's very bad with music and doesn't understand anything, but I don't want to break her heart by telling her not to interfere. Sometimes I try to cook, but Tegan has literally removed every sharp object from the kitchen, so I end up making big, inedible stuff, which makes Tegan cook again. She has left me one knife that barely chops anything just two days ago, so now I can make poorly-cut salad.

I also speak to my mother and to Emy every day. I read and I write and I watch some stuff online until it's five and Tegan is in the apartment once again. When Tegan's here, time passes faster because Tegan is loud and noisy. She tells me about her day and rants about people she hates. We usually eat, watch a movie, practice reading, play music, and then we shower together. We go to bed after making out and becoming heated enough, which results in many attempts to fall asleep with our bothered states.

The apartment we live in is huge. It's elegant and fashionable; it feels like a house, not an apartment. We have two rooms and two bathrooms but our kitchen is big and our living room is quite spacious. The living room is also sunny and refreshing because we have three French windows, which means we have three balconies. What I love mostly is the three stairs that take us to the space of the dining table, which has eight chairs. The bookshelves are also what I appreciate in this place. It's like her father knew what we love and has furnished it the way we once arranged to.

Or maybe Tegan just told him what we have arranged and daydreamed about when we were mentally decorating our dream home. That's probably the case.

**…**

After feeding Cyndi, it's time to feed myself so I make some cereal and face my laptop's screen to watch some videos while eating. But, of course, Emy only remembers my existence when I'm in the middle of watching a tutorial on how to get your cat to pronounce your name.

I move the cursor on the green button, allowing Emy to appear on my screen and allowing my face to appear on hers. She smiles as soon as she sees me, so I smile, too.

"Hey," Emy says.

"Good morning," I say. "Wh…why are you up so early?"

"Amber just left and she kinda ruined my morning. I couldn't get back to sleep. I saw you online and I thought I'd talk to you."

"Wh…why did she leave so early?" It is only six in Vancouver, which means people should still be asleep or just getting up. "Where did sh..sh..she go?" I direct the spoon to my mouth and gulp the milk and drenched corn flakes. I wipe the remnants of milk off my lips.

"She went to the store. We had a fight yesterday and we didn't sleep at all. We fought at dawn as well and she said she'd go do some work in the store. I'll follow her when it's time to open up."

"Oh." Emy and Amber having a fight? That's a first. They're that kind of couple that never remembers to fight at all. Amber is so quiet and Emy is talkative and they complement each other in a great way.

"Yes. She wants us to settle," Emy says sadly.

"Settle?" I ask.

"Yes." Emy sighs. "She wants us to, umm, think about serious stuff like, you know, like children."

The bowl almost slips out of my hands and the milk almost makes its way out of my lips as I gurgle with laughter. "Ch…children?"

"I know," Emy says with dilated eyes.

"You are children."

"I fucking know!" Emy stands on her knees (she gets too enthusiastic sometimes) and holds her laptop's screen with both hands. It feels like I am the one being held. "I told her that. She said we're not doing it; we're just talking about it. But, you know, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm only twenty-five. But she's like, I'm twenty-eight."

"Twenty-eight is y…young."

"Yes." Emy pauses. She sits down and sighs. "Do you and Tegan talk about that? Do you want it?"

"We…d…don't. We have other issues to…to care about." Emy sighs once again. "I…want it, but not n…now."

"Yeah, you have a cat now. How is she?"

"Cute," I say. I prefer short sentences and the use of a one word because it's easier to talk that way, but Emy always pushes me to speak more, so she gives me that look indicating I need to talk more. "Sh…she eats, sleeps…and poops." Emy grins. "And scares the shit out of Tegan, wh…which is funny."

"Since we're talking about Tegan, how is she? She doesn't fucking talk to me."

"I…uh, I told you yesterday, she's busy."

"Oh, please." Emy waves her hand at me. "How hard can being a boss be?"

"Very hard. Her emp..employees don't take her seriously." I hate it when Emy shit talks Tegan behind her back and pretends to be her best friend in front of her. Sometimes Emy's jealousy blinds her into seeing Tegan as the green monster, and other times she just craves her attention.

"Well, I guess that part sucks but she'll get over it." Emy yawns annoyingly. "But she's good with you, right? That's what's important. You guys are good together?"

"Yes," I say. "I told you. We, umm, we don't touch, but we're good again."

"But you said you do take showers together and kiss."

"Yes." I nod. "But no sex."

"I know, yes."

"We don't have a bed death, though."

"You do," Emy says.

"N…no." I giggle.

"Yup." She laughs, too.

"Stop."

"No," she says.

"You…obviously have one," I tease.

"Shut up." She giggles. "I had sex two nights ago, actually."

"Don't tell me," I mumble.

"Sorry." She chuckles. "Sare?" I hum. "I worry about you. Are you alright? You seem better, but are you really?"

"I am," I say sincerely. I am alright. Some days are hard, but I am just fine. "I still feel…th…that way sometimes, but I am…better. Yes. I am." I nod. "I even uh…applied for jobs."

"Seriously?" I nod. "Tell me about it."

"Not much. I mean, I just…I, uh, gave my resume' to some schools and companies, as uh…as a counselor and Tegan f…faked uh…uh…work experience, she said that I…uh, I live with her and that's like…like counseling for ten years."

Peals and gales of laughter fill my room as Emy guffaws loudly. "That's so fucking true. Oh, my God. She's so right. I mean, you probably have more experience than any therapist." I don't say anything because I don't find that funny. I don't find Tegan hard to handle or to deal with. In fact, she's quite easy to talk to and is actually fun to be around. Sometimes I dislike the way she sees things but I understand her, so for me she's what suits me and what I can live with.

"Oh, Sara," Emy says with a long sigh. "God, I miss you. I miss you and miss Tegan, too. I miss our college days and how funny you were."

"I am still funny," I say quickly without any stutter.

"Yes, you are, but you're not here with me." Sometimes I feel that Emy still hasn't gotten over me. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

"I miss you, too." This is a truth. Of course I miss my best friend. I miss her quirky humor and her never-ending gossip. I miss the way she took care of me and the way I took care of her. I miss having someone that is similar to me, not someone who obviously has more control than I do.

Sometimes I leave the apartment and take a little walk in the crowded streets. I like seeing the busy life; it reminds me that everything else is moving; it gives me a sense of liveliness, I suppose; it refreshes me and fills me with hope. Things are moving and people are living while I am sulking alone at home. Sometimes I get coffee and sit in a café. It gets boring easily when you see that everyone is busy with something or someone and all you're doing is rereading a book you've read more than three times.

It's been only two weeks here, but I already miss Vancouver and Emy. However, there is this sense of independence in New York. I don't know how it comes, but I just feel it. I am alone in this foreign country and strange city full of busy people, yet I can manage easier. I already know more places than Tegan and I'm already aware of things regarding the taxes, the roads, the locations, the stores, and the system more than she is. She's so busy with her work to focus on these little details, which gives me the room to explore and discover on my own. I like this feeling; I like knowing, I like living. Yet, I do feel dead mostly by the end of the day when boredom takes a toll on me and knocks me off my feet.

At the end of the day, I am reminded that emptiness has become my precious, darling friend. At the end of the day, I remember the vigorous existence of that hollowness in my chest. This big dark hole increases in size and I get lost inside more and more till I can't wrap my mind around any matter concerning life and death. At the end of the day, I feel my tears raging a war against me. It's the pang I feel, I feel it vehemently; poignant, robust, and infernal. At the end of the day, just before Tegan's arrival, I think of that wicked action till she stops me by entering our home. I think about it; about the knife; about the blood; about the scene of closed eyes and clogged lungs. The thought is like a small candy wrapped up in sparkly neon cover inside my brain. I unwrap it gaily each day, I am ready to consume it inside till it darkens my brain each day, I get closer to devour it each day…but then, then…then Tegan comes back and I wrap up the candy again, so perfectly, and delicately. Then I hide the small piece in the corners Tegan isn't aware of so she wouldn't see it.

Each day I'm this close until she opens the door.

"Sara?" I hear her voice coming from outside our room. I gasp as if I am choking on water. I am back to reality; back from the mind-throttling area of mental destruction inside me.

It's 5:10. Right on time, like every day. "Sara?" I hear her calling again.

"Here," I answer, my tone a bit shaky.

"Here you are," Tegan says. She comes inside with the dark grey blazer resting on her left shoulder. Her tie is loosened and the front buttons of her shirt are opened. Her face is wet, sticky and red. If I didn't know better, I'd say it's that after-sex glow, but I guess we both know now that Tegan (despite her past reputation of a classy whore) doesn't sleep with anyone but me, and she isn't even sleeping with me. "I saw Cyndi passed out near her empty bowl. She should've been called Fatty Cyndi not Cyndi Lauper."

"She doesn't stop eating. W...what if she becomes overweight?" I forget what I've been thinking of and postpone everything for tomorrow when I'm alone again.

Tegan sighs. "For a kitten, I think she already is." She rubs her eyes and yawns.

"L…long day?" I ask.

"Yes." Tegan lies on the bed next to me. "I'm so exhausted I might collapse soon."

"Oh…uh…are you alright?" Tegan closes her eyes and nods.

"I'm fine." She sighs. "I think my dad trusted me a bit too much. I don't know if I can do all that alone. These people are monsters. I'm not used to…to, you know, being this attacked by so much stuff. I like to…to get some…you know, spoiling, attention, hugs and kisses." I laugh at the hints Tegan is dropping my way. She opens up her arms and I jump in, topping her. She giggles and squeezes me. "God, I miss you when I'm there." She kisses my head a few times then smells my hair.

I sit up and straddle Tegan. I hear the wheezing of her lungs and enjoy the silence that comes with her being around me. How dangerous it is to be madly in love with someone! And not just anyone, but someone like Tegan, someone that has once crushed you and you're not the same since then. I don't know what the mystery behind her is but I know there is one. I don't want to find out because it will change nothing and I will love her despite everything. Sure, there is fear. I keep sensing things, seeing things, imagining things. But I'm probably hallucinating from the amount of time I spend alone with this mind of mine. Tegan can't be who I think she is. Sonia can't be who I think she is. I scare myself with thoughts that hurt me and make me closer to the edge the more I am alone, and then I regret it and omit these thoughts when Tegan is here next to me. I shouldn't think this way; I shouldn't even like the idea. It's wrong and it's disgusting. I am troubled, that I know, but what can I do about it? You can't perform a brain surgery on a dead mind and awaken it, can you?

"Sasa?" Tegan asks.

"Y…yes?"

"Do stuff?"

"S…s…stuff?"

"Yes," Tegan demands. "I mean, you know…" She blushes furiously. "Treat me like, you know, your little girl. Pet me and fondle me and, like, you know, take care of me. I need to feel like, I, uh, I'm little and loved."

"Oh, Teetee." I sit next to Tegan and guide her to sit on my lap. Tegan rarely demands this kind of attention and affection, but I know she wants it and I always fail to see it unless she informs me. Also, I know that when she's feeling bad, she wants to be taken care of this way. Her day didn't go well.

I begin aiding my girl with soothing backrubs as we look at one another. I reach for her hair and push it back so I can take a better look at her dismal irises, leaning towards a softer yellowish shade. I caress her face and try to remove her tie. I begin to hum softly as she begins to cry. Some part of me wants to rock her like a child and lull her to sleep; the other part wants to cry with her because seeing her repressed anguishes me.

I hold her in my arm, though. I kiss her wet cheeks and wet lips and I taste the saltiness of the liquid. I unbutton her shirt and unbuckle her belt. Her tummy relaxes as soon as I unzip her pants. I trace her clavicle, making my way to her chest. I remove the shirt and she helps me by slipping it off her arms. I help her again with her sports bra, taking it off with two hands. She sits up to slip her pants off then sits back on my lap and wraps her arms around my midsection.

"Shhh," I whisper. "It's gonna be alright. Come here." I let her rest her head on my chest like she craves to do when she feels defeated. I am the only person who witnesses this lack of power from her, yet I fail to see it when she is too strong for me to handle. She sobs and wails with loud cries on my chest. She wets my shirt and holds on my arm tightly. I never think she's this broken until I see her crumbling down in front of me. I never notice it until it happens. We are so much alike that the devil remembers to mess with my mind once again.

_No_. I push the devil away and try to calm her down, try to figure out the source of her grief.

"What's wrong?" I ask softly. I try my best to make my words clear. I say the sentences twice in my head before pronouncing them so she knows I'm here for her.

Tegan looks up at me and shakes her head. "Nothing," she mumbles. "I just feel very, I don't know, bad about everything. I guess I'm not used to this pressure. I am a bit sad these days, I don't know why. I feel…I feel guilty."

"Wh…why?"

"I feel like I keep taking from you and not giving."

"No," I say. "Do…don't say that. Please, Tegan. I am alright. The past is long g…gone. I am fine."

Tegan chuckles, the kind of laugh that mocks what someone has said. "I can't get it back to the way it was before."

"Is this about…uh…uh…sex?" I ask timidly.

"It's not just that." Tegan sits beside me, resting her head on my pillow. She looks up at the ceiling and says, "Your entire attitude towards me spells out fear. I seem so in control yet all I want is to be controlled by you. Not in the bad sense. Sometimes I want to feel like I am the younger one, you get it? But I always fail and attack and take and order. Just this morning I was telling you to do this and do that, and I didn't realize it until some people at work talked about me behind my back saying I am a sick control freak who has no idea how to run a business. I thought about it and they're fucking right. All I do is order and demand. I am this monster that has to make everything go her way or else things aren't done correctly."

"Tegan." I lie next to her and hold her hand. "I…uh…I honestly don't know what to tell you, but…"

"You don't have to say anything. It's the truth."

"Babe…n…no. It's actually against your will in a way. Your illness plays a huge part in that, and I think…I…uh I think that you sh…should embrace it and appe…app…appre…" I fail to let the word out.

"Appreciate?" Tegan spells it for me.

"Y…yes. You should do that. You should be proud because….you…you are hardworking and successful." I exhale deeply as soon as I finish my sentence. I don't know when will this be over, but I am honestly sick and tired of my inability to utter long sentences.

"God." Tegan laughs softly. "You are magical. You always know how to make me feel better. You say the same words mum says, but when they come from you it's like magic." I feel Tegan's half naked body next to mine, hugging me from the side. She kisses my temple and breathes on my ear. "I love you, Sasa. You really are a great therapist. Someday you will be." I have to suppress every power within me that wants to mock whatever she has said. Good things never come my way anymore. She's the only good thing I have and if I let go, I will have nothing.

"Sara?"

"Yes?" I turn around to look at her. Our lips touch for a moment but then she pushes her head back.

"Are you still attracted to me?"

A stupid little laugh escapes me. I look at her and nod. "I am," I say clearly.

"Do we have a bed death?"

"N…no." I swallow. "I am…just…I need to trust myself before I can…give anything to you again. I need…t…to trust us again. I feel for you, I mean…I get turned on by you. I always am, but I…I am scared."

"I don't want to push you or force you, but it tortures me, you know. Do you…do you touch yourself?"

"I don't," I say quickly. "I don't," I repeat.

"How come?"

"I…I don't know. I just…I lose interest."

"I heard that antidepressants make your sex drive really low."

"Umm…yeah, I guess."

"I'm sorry."

I look down at Tegan's breasts: pale, beautiful, still full, nipples still hard with barbells. Everything about her breasts is enchanting.

"Read for me," Tegan orders with a raspy voice. "Read your favorite poem."

I did not practice that poem today; I actually practiced reading a passage from a book. I want to tell her that but I don't want to upset her.

I reach for my laptop in order to Google the poem. I have never memorized it because I don't memorize things easily except my songs. It's hard for me to read now, but I'm better at reading it than reading other things because I am familiar with it.

"I'm ready," I say.

I look up at Tegan, whose hands are between her legs. I am blanketed by immediate heat as soon as I realize what she's doing. This hasn't happened since our mutual masturbation days. I avert my gaze instantly and focus on my laptop's screen.

"Relax," Tegan whispers sensually. "Relax, take a deep breath, take your time and read each line slowly and carefully." I look up once again. Her eyes are closed. Her fingers are rubbing the dark fabric covering her crotch. "Your voice gets me hot. I hope you don't mind." She opens her eyes to look at me. I shake my head. "Start when you're ready."

I clear my throat and take one last glance at her working hand before I look at my screen. "S…sonnet 116 by Shak…Shakespeare." I clear my throat again. I look up: Tegan's watching me. I look down between her legs: swiftly, she pushes the thin material to the side, revealing abundance of hair.

I swallow and close my eyes for a second then open them again. I take a deep breath in order to start. _"Let me not to the m…ma…marriage of true minds admit impe…im…impediments," _I read. I look between her legs again. I am struck with awe upon seeing her digits rubbing and stroking the moist parts of her. I see redness and swollen hunger. She brushes the hair and spreads her lips, plunging in for mere seconds then moving back to the small, delicious clit. I know what she's doing: she's tempting me.

I decide to read from the beginning:

_"Let me not to the marriage of true minds_

_Admit impediments. Love is not love_

_Which alters when it alteration finds,_

_Or bends with the remover to remove:" _

I hear a soft, but long, moan and stop. Three fingers are inside and one is twisting and twirling her left nipple. My own nipples erect and plead for attention. I feel some type of pain in my core; I feel abandonment. I feel the need gradually creeping up inside my arteries and veins like some kind of a snake or a worm. I decide to stop paying attention to what Tegan's trying to do and read again without stopping:

_"O no; it is an ever-fixed mark, _

_That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;_

_It is the star to every wandering bark,_

_Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken."_

The moans have thickened while I am reading. I stop, proud that I did not make one single mistake while reading. I did not stutter. I did not even lisp. I did not quiver or shake and I did not give up to the temptation that my girlfriend is forcing on me. I am no way going to fall under the pressure again.

_"Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks _

_Within his bending sickle's compass come; _

_Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, _

_But bears it out even to the edge of doom."_

I read each line very slowly and carefully. I stop at every verb and admire every word. I stop when I hear the sudden sob emerging from the woman lying close to me. I look up at her face and witness streaming tears. She hiccups and cries as if she has lost someone. I've never seen her crying this way except when she was trying to get back to me. Maybe she feels that she has truly lost me. I want to tell her that she hasn't, but I can't say anything. I look between her legs very quickly in order to preserve the sanctity of this moment. I only see a mess of fingers moving around; doing god knows what in there.

I look at the last two lines and take a breath. I admire them and study them until Tegan's cries fill my ears and head. I memorize them, look her in the eyes, and whisper:

_"If this be error and upon me proved,_

_I never writ, nor no man ever loved."_

Unwillingly, unconsciously, I start to cry with her. Maybe the situation we are in is bad, maybe I'm not aware of it. I wish I can feel what goes inside her heart or mind. I wish I can turn back the time. Maybe it's partially my fault. I mean, I know it is and I know she feels very sorry and very sad, but she has to know that things take time. They are getting better, she said it this morning. I wish I can give her everything and make her happy.

She shudders and I know she has come. I look down at her still hand. I lie next to her again. She lifts up her drenched hand and before she can rub her eyes with it, I get a hold of it. She looks at me with her puffy, red eyes. I direct her digits inside my mouth and close my eyes. Her taste sends a rushed kick inside my system. I open my eyes again: she has a bewildered, shocked expression. I let go of her fingers and kiss her knuckles.

"I…I miss your taste," I mumble. I kiss her knuckles again.

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry." Tegan smiles and shakes her head. "I'm sorry you're not okay."

"I'm very good," she says, still smiling. "This poem makes me emotional because it's true. That part, before the ending, it reminds me of you."

"Oh."

"It also reminds me of my mum. You know, we took this poem in grade nine.

"Yes. I remember."

"Yes, so she used to explain literature for me because I'm bad at it. She told me it's her favorite poem even though she didn't really fancy Shakespeare. But she really liked this part and the way you read it reminds me of hers. It's a lot like hers.

"Mum was going through a lot at that time, through so much, I don't know how she got out of it but she did. I remember her saying that patience births good things and I didn't believe her because it was the end of the world to us back then, but I guess she's right because things has changed and I didn't notice until now.

"I…I remembered our situation, last year, months ago, and now. I'm not noticing a change but when I compare…everything is different and I know one day very soon things will be better for us. It just seems like it's the end of the world at one point when I think of it too much."

I think I have misunderstood her cries and her pleading. I haven't been fair with my judgment. I didn't know that's what she's been feeling. This is why I wish I can get inside her brain. She surprises me and I always think the worst of her. I wish I didn't judge so quickly, I always wrong her.

"I'm sorry that I…I treated you as if you're evil."

"Please don't apologize for anything," she says. "You never wronged me." I bite my lower lip as I hear these words. I close my eyes and shake my head.

"With…with my thoughts I did."

She doesn't say anything. She remains silent. She doesn't answer or reply.

"Are you hungry?" I ask.

"I love you, Sara," she says. "I truly love you."

"I love you, too."

She smiles. "You're not stuttering."

"Yes. It kinda gets…uh…better at night."

"Or you're just relaxed."

"Yes."

"I told you I'll take you out for dinner," Tegan says.

"You seem...um…tired."

"I feel so much better now. I cried, I had an orgasm, I talked to you—I feel amazing."

"Alright."

"I'll go take a quick shower so we can go out. Wanna join me?"

"Yes," I say. "I can use one."

"I bet." She winks.

I bet my face is as red as it has been those early dorm days when we took sheepish glimpses of each other from across the room.


	22. Chapter 22

**Some things will be explained in the next chapter. Andddd review...please?**

* * *

**Tegan **

**November 2008**

It got better, I can say that. It got so much better but it still needs so much more. When I toss and turn in my bed each night and find her there, face flushed and eyes shut on the pillow, I thank my lucky stars that she is safe with me, in my bed. The domesticity we have learned to develop in the past few months is everything to us. Our relationship was nowhere near healthy but, slowly, it's getting there. I'm learning not to push and she's learning to trust me more. I've let go of these bad habits thanks to her and she can speak well once again—with an occasional stutter every now and then when she's a bit nervous.

I think leaving Vancouver was the best decision we have ever made. Being together all the time is also a good therapy for both of us. We didn't know we were in such greedy need for each other's company until we came here. Now sitting with each other each night, working on Sara's music or on my reports, or watching anything on TV is our source of comfort. Sometimes I sense colors of tension on Sara, but I try to ignore that because it's easy to get tensed up when you are trying to build a career from scratch.

As much as I miss our friends and especially Emy, I am relieved she is not here. The relationship required mending, and Emy near us would have not mended it. But Emy was right in one thing: we are the only ones capable of getting it back the way it is. We were the only ones who were able to build ourselves. Our families helped, but you know what they say, in isolation one finds who they are, and I think we really did find out each other in the company of each other.

Our sex life is not quite glorious but I'm in peace with this. Sometimes Sara would tell me she is in the mood to be touched, we would proceed doing that but in the middle of the act she would recoil. She is not ready, no matter how many times she tells herself that she is. She says she can't enjoy it or get in it because of the fear that still lives within her. Certainly, this hurts me so much because I'm the one who planted this fear. I try not to show it, but she knows and sees and feels. She tries to make me feel better about myself but I can't really just love myself again. I guess that's maybe a good thing because my ego drove us to our doom.

It's been exactly a year since I've laid a hand on her. So much has changed but also not many things. A year without intimate contact between Sara and me, a year that lacked trust and was full of so much pain. But right now at the end of that, I can feel happy remembering the words my mother has told me, remembering how everything will be laughed at, and if not, then just forgotten. It's been also a little bit over four years since I've been with Sara. God, how things have changed since then. It really does feel like yesterday when she shook my hand with a wrinkled nose and shaggy bangs hiding the disgust in her eyes. Now her hair is so short and she has a sweet fringe that she has cut herself. It always falls on her face when she plays the guitar. And when she's asleep like she is now, the beautiful fringe stays on the side of her face. However, when she wakes up, her tiny hairs stand up and the fringe falls on her left eye.

She always wakes up flushed and hot and I think it's cute. She has such a sensitive skin and she always gets some type of a rash. The climate here is not quite suitable for her. We have a big place but our room is insanely warm. I really think the cat fur is playing a role in that, but she doesn't believe me.

The alarm makes me jump as it pulls me out of my fuzzy dream. I move my hand quickly in order to find my phone and put the fucker on snooze. Before I can find it, I feel my girlfriend's body suddenly attacking me. I open my eyes and find her trying to reach my phone by resting her torso on my chest. She giggles when our eyes meet and quickly hops back to her side with my phone is in her hands. She bites her plump lower lip as she messes with the buttons.

"What are you doing?" I say groggily.

"Trying to see if you've got any other secret admirers other than that girl Ashlyn." I laugh as I brush my face. "Is that even a name? Ugh"

"Seriously, babe. Just let her go. She's not even my type." Girls still try their best to allure me or seduce me in any type of way. Ashlyn is just your typical, American blonde who works at the company. We had to work together for over a week because she's quite good with management, so dad recommended her when I asked him for help when I had enough with the shit my employees were making me go through. I was still new and lacked experience in work. I needed some guidance from someone who wouldn't mock me. However, I got someone who tried her absolute best to make me like her. It seems to me that people don't really believe it when I tell them I have a girlfriend. Even when Sara visited, everyone seemed bewildered with the idea that I am a woman who is in a steady, calm, and normal relationship with another woman, who happens to be so firkin hot and six years older than I am. Some still think I'm lying. My assistant, Smelly Joe, thinks Sara is my sister.

"Mhm." Sara says, looking at my phone with intense focus.

"My boob hurts because of the way you just sat on it." I shift to my side and stare at Sara's relaxed, beautiful, and calm features. I yawn.

"Your mum and dad moved in together." Sara holds up my phone, showing me the text message my mum has sent last night.

I sit up and grab my phone, reading my mother's message over and over again with an open mouth. "Holy shit," I mutter. "Those horny fuckers." I look at Sara, who's giggling shyly. "Wow. Who would've thought? The years I spent begging them to get back together to give me a baby brother or sister, man. Like, do you know how many? Wow." I start texting my mother back.

"Well, I'm h…happy for them." I look at Sara, who is smiling sweetly. "I have a weird question."

"What is it?"

"Y…you don't have…I mean, you're the only one they have conceived, right? You don't have another sibling, who's maybe adopted or, like, your mum and dad haven't gotten a baby before you at all and the baby…uh…died or something?" Sara brushes her soft hair out of her face. I look at her for mere seconds, trying to guess where did that eerie thought has come from. Sara keeps getting weirder because of her situation. At times I feel like she's obsessed with the idea of adoption or children lost or finding her parents, even though she has given up seeking that.

"Why would you think that?" I ask nicely, not wanting to hurt her feelings. "I mean, I don't really know of the existence of anyone but me."

Sara shrugs. "I heard them talking about a baby once, wanting their baby or something. I couldn't really pay attention."

"When?" I look at our cat trying to climb our bed. I reach a hand and pick Cyndi up, putting her on my lap. Sara stares at the furry cat and smiles, loving the fact that I am no longer scared of this tiny monster.

"When we were there in the summer. When I woke up because of my cramps. I heard some stuff before going to the bathroom. I shouldn't have stayed and eavesdropped but I was just surprised."

"Oh." I look at my girlfriend, trying to think of what she has heard and trying to come up with a proper explanation. I don't remember my mother or father ever mentioning having anybody but me. Sara didn't even give me enough clues. They could have been talking about me, calling me a 'baby'. "Maybe you were so fucking pained you didn't hear well. I really don't even remember anything like that. Like, nothing was suspicious while I lived with them. Plus, why wouldn't they tell me?"

"You're right. I don't know. That day is just blank. I was in pain, like you said. I was sleepy. I was on so much meds. I was probably hallucinating."

"Or," I say, grinning, "they want to have a baby." I gasp. "Oh my god, what if they do?"

"Oh." Sara's brow wrinkles when she raises her eyebrows. She takes the cat and puts her in her lap.

"Holy shit. That would be cute."

"Aren't they a bit old for that?" Sara laughs.

"Nah, my aunt just had her new kid and she's older than mum." I get up and stretch. "Gotta go to work." I look back and watch Sara back in bed, cuddling with the cat. "Aww, mummy Sasa. How cute are you."

"Shut up." She says with a faint giggle. "Go get ready. I prepared something for you to wear."

"Aren't you gonna get up?" I ask as I stand up, stretching and yawning again.

"I'll just sleep a little bit more then get up. I have to…I have to finish the song today and send it. I have to get the groceries, too." Sara yawns as she says her last sentence. Her nose crinkles first then she sneezes. I walk up to her and kiss her forehead. I see a little pout on her lips and understand her plea so I lower my lips and touch hers. A giggle forces its way out of her lips when she touches my face, endeavoring to add more pressure in our kiss.

"I don't wanna be late," I whisper in a voice that makes me blush. My arousal often declares itself through the raspiness of my octave. Sara's arousal is usually thick and prominent in the early hours of the morning as well, something I haven't figured out till now.

"I don't want you to be late," Sara murmurs then rests her head on the pillow again. She sighs and closes her eyes. Our cat climbs up on her chest and decides to make her breasts a pillow to sleep on.

"This cat is luckier than I am."

Sara opens her eyes as a guffaw leaves her beautiful mouth. "Oh, Teetee, you've been jealous of the air that touches me lately."

I roll my eyes playfully as I pace to the door. "Please," I say, "I know your heart beats for my love." I wink before leaving.

My day starts when I say goodbye to Sara. Coffee is the first thing that comes to mind when I am exposed to the frozen November air. Coffee will wake me up since I haven't gotten any proper sleep because of the cat waking up and munching her food loudly in the middle of the night. I love my job and I'm finally capable of handling everything on my own. They call me 'Hulk', which doesn't bother me anymore. I am not even huge in mass to be called that, but I guess, as my mum said; they feel threatened by females in power.

Leaving Sara alone and going to work each day always gives me some sense of irritation, maybe because I worry about her. She's a big, smart woman, but I am often perturbed by the thoughts she declares out loud. When I knew that suicide twinkled in her mind on daily basis, I couldn't leave the house for days. Simply put, I was disappointed and shocked. I have already removed the sharp objects and medicines just in case; I didn't know the chance was permeating inside her skull. I wasn't aware that the thought was alive. Even though she's so much better now, I still feel a pang of apprehension as soon as I close the door.

I take a deep breath as I step in. As soon as I am inside everything calms down. I have this vision that everyone runs and shouts at each other before I enter and when I do, they shut up. It's too farfetched and I blame the movies for doing this to my brain, but this thought gives me enormous confidence to start my long day.

"Ms. Quin," I hear a soft voice behind me. I don't look; I let the woman continue as I walk to my office, "we're having a few issues with the Ricky reports. There seems to be an error in the taxes."

I look back at her—someone I don't know—and respond, "I know. I've discussed this before with Mr. Quin. Send all the records and files to Jane and Larry, let them review them again, and after that they should be sent to me." I turn around, proudly smirking when I see the blush on her face.

"Yes, ma'am," she whispers and her steps disappear as we depart.

"Ms. Quin," I hear a voice I'm so used to, a voice that vexes me and reminds me why I drink so much coffee now. I take my first sip, waiting for Joe to ruin my morning. "Mr. Quin is on line 2, and the Ricky situation seems to be getting a bit more complicated. He's angry, I assure you."

"Okay, Joe." I sigh as I reach my office. He follows, handing me the landline. "I got it," I say—a sign for him to leave.

"Talk," he says.

"Leave," I say calmly. He almost trips as he backs up. I've never seen a man this clumsy and nervous around me. It makes me feel awesome.

"Hey, dad."

"Tegan, I want you to send me all the reports and files you're working on regarding the Ricky situation, the bastard has faked the taxes and paid some of your employees to ignore that."

"What?" I sit down, unbuttoning my jacket. "Dad, nobody ignored anything. I was just told there's an issue and I told them to review it again before sending it to me. I know there's something wrong. I just wanted to check it again so I would make sure I'm not making a mistake." I feel heated as anger attacks me. I take off my black jacket and stay in the burgundy sleeveless shirt. Sara has decided to prepare the tightest sleeveless shirt I own and I didn't have time to fish for something else. I haven't worn tight clothes since 2005, and I'm not comfortable in these anymore.

"Okay, okay." My father sighs. "I don't want you to get involved in this, Tegan."

"You think I can't handle it? I can't handle a man breaking the law? I can handle that and I'm watching my employees closely, I know when to punish and when to fucking stop someone."

"Relax, would you?" he says loudly. I hear a soft voice near him. I recognize the voice instantly. I relax a bit.

"Mum's there?" I say, smiling goofily.

"Yes."

"Aww. I'm so happy for you."

My dad relaxes, too. He gives me the laugh I love so much, the one I inherited from him, which assures me he's not angry with me. "We're happy, too."

"Am I gonna have a baby sister or brother soon? Please, please?"

"Tegan," my dad says, clearing his throat, "we're discussing work. Discuss these things with your mother."

"Fine." I sip more of my coffee. Joe opens the door just a crack and pushes his grim, sickening, revolting face. "Ugh, what do you want?"

"Uh…uh…" Joe hesitates.

"Not you, dad. I'm talking to Joe."

"Alright. Listen, Tegan," my dad says. I wave Joe off, but he doesn't leave.

"Yes, dad."

"I do trust you and trust your work. If I didn't, I wouldn't have given you this position. I just really don't want you to deal with this man without me checking the records first. Please do send everything to me."

"Okay." Joe steps in and my eyes are ready to shoot daggers at him the closer he gets. "Give me some time and I'll email everything."

"Take care and say hi to Sara," dad says.

"I will. Say hi to mum for me." Joe scans my torso carefully, making me hate and despise the day I have taken this office. A middle-aged man, who is divorced and lives with his five children, is the last person I need to look at me as a piece of meat. I've had my fair share of sexual harassment when I was young and I'm honestly sick of such men, even if it's just a look. I can't fire him because of his situation. I'm only hoping it's just his unkempt looks that throw me off and not him as a man that seems so filthy.

When dad and I hang up, I don't pay attention to Joe standing right here like a rotten wall; I proceed doing my work as I ignore him.

"Ms. Quin," I hear the soft voice once again and lift my head up. My smile betrays me as it shows on my face before I even think of it, "Sorry to bother you. The door was open and Joe was not there so…"

"Well, if Joe did his job well, he wouldn't be here, but anyway, you're not bothering me. What's up?"

"Here are some of the Ricky files. Larry refused to review these once again."

"Refused?" I raise my eyebrow at her, which apparently scares her, or that's how it seems to be from her body language. Sara told me if someone takes a step back and their lips part, it means they feel threatened, or something is throwing them off. "This is his firkin job. He doesn't just refuse to do something. I've had enough with the men in this company not wanting to do their job just because I fucking tell them to do it. You know what, leave it to me, I know how to deal with this." Anger often gives me the worst stomach pains and heartburns, especially if I keep consuming coffee. Right now I can feel the pain developing because of the stress level that I sucked only in the first half an hour of work.

"Oh…okay," the woman says reluctantly. She drops the folder on my desk and leaves without saying any word. Joe is standing like one of those statues I'd like to fucking smash just to feel better.

I take a deep breath in order to relax and stop the violent thoughts my mind is starting to think of.

"Who's that?" I ask.

"That's Becca."

"Who's Becca?" I ask louder. My anger isn't subsiding.

"Oh…oh, uh the new internal auditor."

I nod, feeling the pain in my stomach and the burn increase. "You can go," I tell him. "Wait, go get me any fucking antacid medicine you fucking find because everything is being ripped apart inside of me." He nods quickly and leaves.

**...**

Warned against it, but have already made a habit of it: eavesdropping. Without it, I wouldn't have known what my employees say about me behind my back. "The bitch", "Hulk", and the one dear to my heart "pussy hole" are names I've gotten used to, and they didn't really affect me that much anyway. I've heard things such as: _She's got a stick up her asshole; she has serious anger issues; I feel sorry for her girlfriend; I bet she's on anger management pills; she can't rule, she's just angry and that's how she gets things done; she's a loser when it comes to management. _This is what I call type two of insults, they did hurt me and made me try to change my strategies; however, the effect wasn't efficient or strong enough to last longer than three days.

Type three, on the other hand, seems to be hitting home. _She seriously needs to get laid. _I can't even stop thinking about these baleful words from Becca. I only stalked because (besides being a creep) I feel a bit attracted to her voice. She looks okay: auburn hair, brown eyes, softly tanned skin, short but taller than me, and petite. Sara is way prettier and so much hotter but there is something about this woman that just attracted me. It could be the nose or the smile; it feels so happy and I miss happiness in my life and in my home. It also could be that I am indeed sexually frustrated and her voice allured me into being attracted to her. Guilt didn't touch me yet, which makes me feel guilty.

Sara is a barmaid in one of the most famous lesbian bars in NYC, and this gives me an excuse to flirt as she is always flirted with, even in my presence. The sexual need is betraying my faith, but I know I am faithful because I know that the only person my mind thinks of before falling asleep is the woman who falls asleep beside me, and the first thought that comes to my mind in the morning is a thought involving the woman beside me. I know my heart only wants Sara, and even though it terrifies both of us, I am proud of it.

_She seriously needs to get laid,_ my mind repeats. _Maybe she'd chill; maybe she's like that because she's sexually frustrated. She's just so…there's something so off about her. The tattoos are such a turn off. How can she have a girlfriend with such negative energy and so much anger? Going into her office is like going inside a chimney…it's just so polluted in there. I honestly feel bad for her partner, whoever she is. She's…she's not professional, you know. Like, her jacket was off and her tight shirt was just not…appropriate for work. I know she's the boss, but she has to dress professionally and act professionally. She's just…a turn off…to me at least. I want my women looking and acting smart, not just holding positions they're not qualified to hold. _

Of course I am crying on the way home. My stomach does hurt me and it's not an excuse but Joe thinks it is. Joe doesn't know why I feel upset, but he saw the continuous frowns and heard the shake in my voice when I stepped inside my office again. I couldn't cry in front of him. I caged my pathetic display of emotions for an hour and twenty minutes. I wanted to burst. My tears erupted as soon as I left the building. I sent my father what he wanted and left the place early. Maybe talking to Sara about it will help. She knows how to help, she always knows. She doesn't rebuke; she waits and gives me space. She doesn't mock me; she understands and tells me how to deal with my silly thoughts. Oh, she never thinks my thoughts are silly; she respects every tear and listens to each word. Sara simply knows me.

I discover the absence of Sara when I reach home. My cat greets me with incessant meowing and tugging at my feet. I pick the ball of fur in my arms and kiss its head. I search for my girlfriend but she's nowhere to find. "Where's mummy, huh?"

I decide that the cat won't give me an answer and the best way to find out is by calling Sara.

"Hey, Teetee," her mellow voice is pouring rain on a desert. I sit still on the stall against the kitchen counter with my cat in my lap and listen. "What's up?"

"Sare?" I pet the purring cat and look at the tree-shaped clock upon the wall: 3:07. "Where are you?"

"I'm on my way home." Her voice is excited and full of the joy I seldom hear. Sara giggles. "Are you alright?"

"I'm home," I say unenthusiastically.

"Oh, how come?"

"I'm having a terrible day and I don't feel well."

"Oh, Tee, I'm down the street. Uh…I would tell you to go down and see what I have but uh…I'll…I'll show it to you later." Her voice doesn't carry the cheery ring anymore; however, an affectionate touch of concern is visible in her lisping tongue.

"No, babe. I'll be down. You got me excited."

I take Cyndi down the apartment complex and wait for Sara. The cold is getting thicker, making my nose run. I don't have any tissues with me so I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and shiver as I wait for my girlfriend.

A red and black bicycle makes its way down the street. Sara presses on the little black ball that honks. Her giggles force my bewilderment to turn into a smile. Sara honks again as she stops next to me. She looks proud and happy. Happy, a simple word, but carries so much meaning that I can see on her features. Sara looks happy.

"Look!" Her cheeks are flushed and so is her nose. I reckon the cold is the reason. She hops down. Her breaths are quite heavy. "What do you think?"

"Nice," I say. "Where will you park it?"

"In the garage next to your car, duh." She takes Cyndi and kisses her. Sweet and playful sounds ease out of Sara's lips as she plays with the cat.

"Sara." I chuckle. "This is New York. I barely even use my car. Why would you buy a bicycle? Everything is right here around you."

I see a glimpse of eyes rolling at me. Sara shakes her head instantly. The right corner of her lips goes up, faking a smile creeping behind luminous dimness. I purse my lips as regret hits my chest. I shouldn't have said it this way.

"You know I can't walk too much because of my back. I wanted a bicycle since ever. I have the money, I got it." She shrugs.

"I just worry." I try to give her a soft, truthful smile but my efforts are unmet.

She sighs. "Why?"

"What if you fall and hurt yourself?"

Sara laughs melodically, touching my right arm. "Oh," she says. "I won't. I know how to ride a bike, Tegan."

"Promise?" I attempt a smile once again. She smiles back as I succeed in gaining her merriness back.

"I promise," she whispers. The cat is trying to jump out of her hands but I catch it. "I think we should get inside. What's up with you, are you okay?"

"My stomach hurts like a motherfucker and I have heartburn." When Sara inquires, I am reminded of the issues that are bothering me. A cloud of dark mist covers my mind as the feeling of unworthiness pours down on me. I tear up, giving my girlfriend unsure frowns of confusion.

"You're worrying me."

"Can you make me some soup and listen to me vent?"

"Of course," Sara says, tilting her head to the side and squinting as if she's trying to read the words inside my head.

**…**

"So you got insulted by a hot lesbian who works for you, who didn't know you were listening to her talk on the phone?" I nod as I swallow the creamy goodness of the mushroom soup Sara has prepared. My tears have dried up but I still feel tensed up that my legs are shaking. "This is why listening to other people's conversations isn't a good idea and I've already warned you against it." Her fringe falls smoothly on her eyes but her long fingers hurry pushing the brown locks and tucking them behind her ears. Her eyebrows raise and a puff of air escapes her lips. I wish I can see her the way she sees me or understand her the way she understands me but I am not a therapist; I don't have a psychology degree.

I start to cry again. "I am a bad person. That's what's shocking me. It's not because she's the one who said these words, it's because I am horrible and everyone wonders why the fuck you're with someone like me."

"Calm down." Her voice is so soft and full of charming alleviation that when I hear it my tears cease. "Calm down," she whispers again. I feel her hand stopping the tremor my legs are causing. The golden color of her eyes focus on mine and every earthquake inside my chest sleeps. "Breathing exercises," she mumbles. My mouth parts and she nods. I begin performing what she has delicately taught me to do when my anxiety devours me. "Slowly," she sings, "gently, peacefully." I close my eyes to focus on her voice. "Breathe in then out…slowly, gently, and peacefully." I follow her steps. My breathing steadies. My body becomes numb, controlled by her voice alone. "There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. Bosses should be like that and employees talk the way students whine and grumble at their teachers in school." I nod. "Nothing is wrong with you. You are a great human being. You are a good person. You are lovely. You are with me because I am with you and I love being with you and I can't imagine myself not being around you even if our circumstances are hard." I open my eyes. Hers are teary. A smile is stretched on her face. "If I wasn't with you, Tegan, be sure my heart is with you. We've come a long way, be sure of my words and remember them when you feel shaken."

I gape at her, my words trying to find a way out. The tiny mushrooms are swimming in the thick white sauce the way she made my dark thoughts wrinkle, shrink, and drown inside the warmth and goo of her passionate words. "How can you do that?"

"Lesbian magic," she says and I snort. "I love you when you laugh. I mean, I…" She looks down, as a little chuckle leaves her lips. Her ears are fiery and red. "I always love you, but when you laugh you just touch me in deeper places."

I widen my eyes as push the spoon in my mouth. "Deeper places?" She nods, giggling. "So I'm touching the deeper places without being inside there?"

"Yeah," she murmurs.

"I'm so glad I had tummy pain so I left work and Smelly Joe and was dramatic and then you made me feel better and I touched you in deeper places."

"Tee," Sara whines, giggling loudly and beautifully. "Don't mock my use of words."

"I am not, I swear." I take her small hand and squeeze the softness. "I am flattered."

"And I'm sorry I picked that top today. I thought it looked hot and I wanted to see you in it, and I'm so right it looks hot, but I agree…it…it doesn't seem appropriate since…" Sara points at her own breasts hidden well behind thick navy fabric. I look down at my chest to see my piercing poking through the shirt. "I'm sorry that smelly man looked at you that way."

"It's fine." I let go of her hand to wipe the remains of the creamy soup off my lips. "I just don't feel comfortable with tight clothing anymore. I feel like…it's…I'm too old to be offering my tits to strangers like I used to do."

"You're twenty-two!" Sara remarks. I shrug. "Why don't you fire that smelly man if he smells so bad and you hate him so much?"

"He has five kids, no way. I wouldn't do that to someone who needs the job more than I do."

Sara's eyes narrow when her smile widens. "Does he smell so bad? Like, does he smell like shit or sweat or bad morning breath or what?"

"None," I say. "He smells like something wet and rotten. Like…cheese. I don't know. Just a bad smell…like, he smells like a man." Sara's eyebrows both stand up and I shrug. "I just don't like that smell.

**…**

This part of the weekend is the one I don't look forward to at all. This part of the weekend is the one that Sara waits for impatiently. Two days of the week from eight till two in the morning I have to watch my girlfriend in the skimpiest outfit that I have seen her in, flirting with strangers, making mouthwatering cocktails, and getting hit on by the hottest and richest lesbians in town. Sara loves it and Tegan definitely feels jealous.

My eyes travel down the exposing, insanely tight white top on my girlfriend's body. The alcohol scorching my throat is also kindling the fire in my pants. Her breasts are as pale as her shirt, squeezed and made so deliciously inviting to the eyes of strangers. The shirt stops at her bellybutton, revealing cold paleness once again. I look up at her smiling eyes as she hands a drink to a woman with flaming red her and a seductive smile. My eyes meet hers for a second but I avert my gaze and take a sip of whatever she has given me.

Another stranger occupies her. This time she's a blonde. The blonde smiles at me. Uninterested, I look back, my gaze paralleling the start of the short black shorts. I can see only a glimpse of the scratchy material clinging to my lover's meaty thighs, but I know the picture quite well because I've seen her dress herself and undress herself for the past four weekends.

It was hard at first, for her more than me, to walk around with such exposure. In front of the mirror her lips frowned as she spun around, not knowing how to tuck her ass cheeks under her shorts. "I have to wear thongs, I guess. Like, g-strings or something." She sighed.

"As much as I'd love that, I'm not quite ecstatic about this look. Your ass is out and your tits are gonna burst out of the shirt. It's your body, for sure, but Sara you've never been comfortable with this."

Sara sighed again and looked at me with boggled eyes. "I want to work more than anything, Tegan. I want to try at least." She looked down at her feet. "Please understand."

"I understand," I said quickly. "Of course I do."

"I'm just…not sure I can get used to exposing so much of my body to hot lesbians, especially when it's sufficiently hairy and full of stretch marks."

"No, Sara," I said. "Don't feel this way about your body, please. It's wonderful and since they already accepted you I don't think they mind how you look."

Sara is hot if she has gorilla hair or was the fattest person ever. Maybe I'm saying this because I love her but I can't notice any of the flaws she repeatedly speaks of. Now I am the jealous person who cannot stop scowling at the eyes of strangers ogling my girlfriend's body as if it is some exotic picture. Nobody even pays attention to the strippers.

"One of that South Side for the lonely lady over here." I feel a hand touch my shoulder. I look up at the tall woman with dark wavy hair and glasses smirking at me.

I look back at Sara, who's hesitant with a frown. "I have a drink." I point at the glass in front of me. "And I'm not lonely; I'm here with my girlfriend." I point at Sara.

The woman stares at both of us for a second and blinks. Redness covers her pale cheeks as she nods slowly. "I am sorry, I swear I thought you two were…uh…sisters or something. I've been coming here for the past two weeks and you're always sitting here alone, I just thought…" she falters, shaking her head at herself. "Well, I'd say she's lucky to have you but I think you're quite lucky to have her, too." The woman raises her glass after taking a small sip. "Best drink I've had and best smile I've seen. Cheers ladies." The woman who wanted to buy me a drink winks at my girlfriend and walks away.

"Unbelievable," I mutter. I remove my straw and sip whatever Sara has made, noticing how sweet and delightful it is on my tongue. "This is good. What is it?"

"Just uh…cherry coke and rum, actually. I didn't want to put much and upset your stomach."

"More. I want more."

"But," Sara hesitates. "Okay." She sighs, petting my will.

Sara serves me a drink after another with anxious, unsure eyes. I change my order from the light cherry coke and rum to the mind numbing Ginger Yule, full of God knows what. As the night progresses and the music becomes louder, Sara joins me. My heart eases and my mind forgets its worry. I know in the morning I will suffer the consequences but I have never felt as free as I feel at this moment. It's a moment filled with easy laughter and childish giggles, inside jokes between my girlfriend and myself, and fun, silly games. Sara's less drunk than I am because she has to do her job, but I can see that she will have a terrible time in the morning as well.

We rate some women from one to ten, which is quite unlike us, or mostly unlike Sara. We look at the strippers and moan in sync when we take the sips that warm our bodies. We kiss softly and giggle afterwards, then she returns her attention back to the confused girls waiting in line.

"You know, I really…like, really wanna rip your clothes off. I can only imagine what these girls want to do to you and, like, that's just…God." I take another sip and laugh as I stare at my girlfriend's breasts.

Sara throws her head back with laughter. "There are other barmaids in here and they're hot as well."

"They don't have your boobs."

"Shut up." Sara tucks her fringe behind her ears and blushes when I wink.

"Seriously, though, I am just so jealous. Like, isn't that kind of, like…like, sex selling to make the people who work here dress like that?"

"Sex selling or not…" Sara stops, collecting her words. In such drunken hours she lisps and stutters, but not the way she used to. "It's…it got me the...I mean, a producer that wanted to produce my work and a lesbian…like, like someone who's okay with my music…but, but, like, if dad knows about this he'll end me, you know."

Sara puts another drink in front of me and my bladder strongly protests but my mind willingly takes the offer. "Well, you know, that's pretty much sex selling and you never wanted to do that."

I look at the dancing stripper, feeling my underwear cling to my wet slit. I take a sip, not paying much attention to what Sara's saying back. I point at the hot woman dancing up there and look at my girlfriend. "You see, her pussy looks a lot like yours."

"Boy, you're so fucking wasted," Sara remarks.

"Yeah. Look," I say. "So much like yours, but without the bush."

Cherry redness blotches Sara's cheeks when her eyes meet the woman waiting for her drink. "So pretty," I mumble.

"Tegan," she whispers. She bites her lower lip in maddening shyness.

"I gave that woman so much imagination, didn't I?" I say.

"She thinks we're weird." Sara takes a look at the stripper and blushes again. "Oh, God, Tegan…mine doesn't look like that."

"It does…but like this one's not hairy. I mean…" I stop making much sense as I imagine everyone around me naked and every surface a mattress.

"I thought you like my bush," offended, Sara says.

"Oh, fuck. I fucking love it. I'll tug it with my teeth if you'd let me eat you out." Sara giggles loudly as I light some type of fire inside her.

Our walk home is fast and full of high-pitched laughter and hungry kisses. Sara throws her coat and rids herself off her clothes as soon as I close the door. We both hurry to the bathrooms. Sara takes the one in our room and I run to the one in the hallway. We meet in the bedroom, both naked and aroused. We both collapse on our bed, laughing some more. We haven't gotten this wasted since Emy's birthday two years ago, and now here we are ready to love each other physically but unable to tell what we really want mentally. Sara doesn't show one single indication of disapproval as she parts her legs and pulls me on top of her.

This is not the first time this has happened in the past two months. She did this quite a lot these past few weeks, but as soon as my fingers touched her folds and gave her some morsels of pleasure, she pushed me away, apologizing, promising it's not me she's afraid of, but her mind can't let her relax enough. But I know she's scared of getting too close to me, still too traumatized. I know this too well. I'm not sure what will happen now. She seems eager and needy, needier than ever. She seems relaxed and willing to give and get.

"I've been doing it," Sara whispers when I face her, my body in contact with hers.

"Doing what?" I kiss the puffiness of her red lips.

"Masturbating." She wraps her arms around me and I feel the hardness of her nipples on my pierced ones.

I give her a hungrier kiss, feeling her wet tongue asking for more. I moan in her mouth when she gives me space to enter. My tongue touches hers and I begin venturing in the sweetness she offers, rolling my nipples with hers despite the light pain it gives me. Her hand takes a hold of my hair and pulls, which makes me pull away, trying to catch a breath.

"Watching our videos and imagining you," she continues with a low, pleading voice. "I want you."

"You do?" I grin wickedly and teasingly.

My hand is gripped by her warm one and gingerly directed between our bodies to land on the thick curls covering her mound and slide to the thick saturation between her legs. My clit twitches in excitement when I discover the sea of lust. My lips smack hers without much thought when my libido blinds what's left of my consciousness. Waves moving gradually and in a steady rhythm, our bodies start to move together as my fingers glide between her velvety slit and touche her hot folds.

Slowly, she starts to arch her back and her legs part beneath me. She bites my lower lip with a soft moan. "Please," she whispers. "Do…do what you said in the…in there."

"You want me to go down on you?"

"Yes." I look at her, waiting for any sign of disapproval. "Please, Tegan."

Without having to hear her beg anymore, I begin the desired actions of my mouth by giving her a long passionate kiss, sliding my tongue down to her chin and moving back to her ear, nibbling slightly and licking the flesh behind. Whimpers of elation leave her lips. Fingers rub at her clit, waiting to be stopped at any moment; my other hand cups her breast, feeling the erect nipple on my palm.

Her skin is so hot underneath my admiring tongue. Her chest heaves when I start to suck her neck, searching for the sweet spot that makes her jump. I bite gently the more I descend until her free nipple falls between my lips. A high pitched moan fills my ears when I suck. Sara arches her back, pushing her breast in my mouth. I forgot how much she loves this. I pull away to look at her. Her eyes open in confusion and her brow wrinkles.

"You still love this?" I flick my tongue over a nipple just to watch the twitch in her eyes.

"Yeah," she breathes sharply.

I give her what her body is asking for and pull her nipple with my lips then let it go with a pop. I do the same with the next one but bite gently instead as she squirms underneath me. She begins to giggle while I travel down her belly, biting the soft flesh or tonguing her belly button. When I reach the triangle of hair, I take a deep breath, inhaling the luscious scent I've missed so much. The thumb that pressed on her engorged clit is exchanged with soft blows from my lips; making her writhe and push her body upward in hopes she'd meet my mouth. I laugh as I fulfill her wish, tugging at the hair with my teeth and pulling her more to my face. I avoid her cunt as much as I can. I kiss her thighs and lick around her lips. I take a look at the beautiful sight between her legs to control myself. I want to ravish her and bite every inch of her as she pours into my mouth the way she's forming a puddle on the white sheet beneath her. I look up at her, coyness blanketing her. Her entire face is flushed and I bet mine is, too. I swallow hard, thanking whoever is listening for giving me so many chances to be with her.

I expect to be pushed away as I push my face forward, ready to engulf this swollen button between hungry lips. I only hear a shriek and feel a hand on my head, pulling the hair on my scalp. Her taste is so shocking that my tongue is racing with my mind. I can't even control myself and I am an idiot for thinking that I can. I've been deprived of this taste since the past year that I can't even care to take a breath. I am actually an animal, now I am sure of it. I suck without giving her or myself a rest. My tongue twirls and runs in her folds. I feel her pooling inside my mouth whenever I'm at her entrance. I look up at her and she looks at me with a dopey smile. I flick the hood of her clit and she jerks, than I bite the little bud making her legs wrap around my head as she pushes her body towards me and I pull with my teeth.

I breathe on her cunt and kiss her beautiful petals, dragging my stiff tongue to her waiting entrance. I push and as soon as I do, she begins to ride my face. With my entire face in her pussy and my nose rubbing her clit, my tongue inside her warm walls, Sara erupts inside my mouth. My tongue doesn't stop until the waves of her body calm down and the feminine whimpers go silent. Her trembling legs go limp. I drag my tongue lazily all over her vulva, cleaning her, wishing the favor would be returned but knowing better.

I climb up above her once again as the bed groans in protest. She smiles when my face is inches with hers. I kiss the lips she has abused with biting. She reacts to her taste on my tongue, intensifying the kiss.

The fear of being rejected descends when I fall next to her, sighing with content and smiling to myself. I hold her hand and squeeze. "You are beautiful."

Sara sits up, taking me by surprise. "Thank you," she says, smiling widely. Her eyes are lazy and her hair is sticking up in each direction. Her fringe is damp and her neck is red. "I don't wanna stop," she whispers, sliding the tip of her index up and down my stomach. "I'm not done yet and I wanna touch you if you want."

I sit up, too—happy, ready, and taken aback. "Please."

Before my eyes can collect the picture, Sara is walking around in my room, opening the door for the cat and letting her in. "Hey," she whispers. "What are you doing? I thought you were asleep." The cat walks in, searching for her food.

"She's hungry," I say. "Is she gonna ruin our time?"

"Just leave her alone. We'll get under the covers and she'll get bored and go away."

**…**

Sara comes out of the closet with the box I thought we'd never use. Obviously, her state of drunkenness has unleashed all the monsters hiding in her brain. We both laugh when she trips and falls on the mattress with the box falling with her. She grabs the yellow dildo and sends me a wicked smirk.

I gulp, not sure if I can take this one when I haven't had anything bigger than my two fingers inside me since our birthdays. However, my clit thinks I can take it. The little fucker jumps in excitement that I feel inclined to slap it. Knowing that's just too weird, even if I'm so fucking wasted, I decide to spoil it this time. I spread my legs for Sara, who prepares some lube.

"I won't uh…strap, because…" Sara hiccups, laughing some more and wiping the sweat off her brow. "Because my back hurts."

I don't care, just do it, do it. _Do it_. "Okay."

Sara kisses me, hiccuping and laughing each second. I don't think the effect of the alcohol will leave us soon. She rubs my clit for awhile until I tell her to fuck me with the dildo. She gasps like a child hearing a curse in a public place. She giggles again and begins to push the tip of the fake cock inside. I can hear the drumming in my heart the way I heard it in hers few minutes ago. I'm sure it's the alcohol that's making everything seem so hazy for me.

Sara's hands are shaking so I grab them and help her. She titters and her boobs bounce. I reach for one and squeeze, intensifying her laughter. I begin to push the dildo in myself slowly.

"Oh my God," Sara says with a gasp. "Go away." I use my elbows to sit up. The cat sitting next to Sara between my legs. I close my legs. Sara falls down with loud, exaggerated laughter.

"Fuck," I mutter. "Get the fuck off, Cyndi." The cat meows.

"Oh my God." Sara shakes her legs, giving me a view of the wetness still so bright coating her pussy.

I push the cat a way and pull Sara up, handing her the dildo eagerly. "Fuck me." I lie down, offering Sara what I have.

Sara throws the duvet above us and sits between my legs once again. We can't stop laughing and I'm not sure where this is coming from. But when I feel the thickness filling me, my ability to join Sara in laughter halts. I curl my toes as the lengthy phallus stretches me. I take a hold of her hand when she offers it and squeeze my eyes shut. I sense the sudden gentleness of her touch, realizing that she's not completely gone; she's still able to tell when I'm in pain.

Slow and nice, but it's the worst sex I've ever had from Sara. Her messy moves and constant distraction with her own body delays my orgasm. It comes all of a sudden and does not last for long, and as soon as I come, she pulls me above her and demands my fingers to be inside.

**…**

Sara has already come three times and the cat is asleep on the mattress. I am exhausted. It's almost five in the morning but Sara still wants more and I am more than happy to offer my services. My exhaustion shall be damned, I'm glad we took a nap after our talk.

"What do you want now?" I ask, wiping Sara's residue off my lips. "Do you want toys? I didn't do you with those."

"No, no," she shouts. Puzzled, I scan her glowing body full of marks of the love I carry for her. Too bad she's too drunk to see it. I wonder if I'll remember this in the morning. I wonder if she will. "I'm not sure I can do toys. You know, it's been too long."

"Yeah." I sigh. "What do you want, babe?"

"I don't know. Just make me come one more time. I can't stop being horny." She hides her face, laughing at herself.

One more time becomes four out of seven, and five in the morning becomes half past six. The sun shines and Sara falls asleep in the eighth attempt, before reaching her orgasm. My tired mouth and exhausted fingers hate me. My head is pounding; I have no idea how I lasted this long without collapsing. I can't even believe Sara came seven times and still wanted more. I don't even want to think about what's going to happen when we wake up. I don't even know when we will wake up.

My head falls on her mound and my eyes meet the big orange ones of my cat, staring at the scene either with bewilderment or without any fucks given. "I don't think I can move, Cyndi," I whisper. "Behave while we sleep, okay?"

I watch my cat jumping out of our bed as my vision starts to blur. Finally, I can rest.


	23. Chapter 23

**Sara**

Why does it have to be this way? Why do I make so many mistakes? Is it true? A mistake? Oh, God, I can't…I can't do this. I don't know anything anymore. I can't deal with anything anymore. Every time I think it's getting better, I lose it.

I always lose it. It's me, it's me. I've never got it, I'm always losing. I can feel the stinging, burning pain in my stomach as I empty everything I have consumed the night before. I spew anxiety as words muffle my head and memories smother my brain.

Leaning in front of the toilet seat, I can see images that my mind has made up. I remember nothing. I don't know anything. I woke up naked with my lover, who could be my sister. I could be going crazy. I don't even remember…I don't remember what I heard.

Well, I…I remember…I don't know…

_I've never felt such pain, and I'm not sure it's the cramps that are making it worse or the headache that's increasing the frailty I feel. I can't fall asleep; I can't stay in the room while Tegan's asleep. I can't say much, I can't cry…I can't make a scene in the room…so I leave._

_I crouch down outside Tegan's room and bury my face in my hands. Sounds are coming from each inch inside my body, everywhere around me. My demons are screaming. I hear villains…I hear strangers. I hear voices and I can't lift my head._

_"We have to know."_

_"How? Force…force her to get a DNA test? Why are you thinking like this? Stop, Stephen, you're scaring me."_

_"You made me think of it. I…I can't sleep…"_

_"But…I can't really…my daughter can't be sleeping with my other daughter…and I'm not ready to…to admit I have another one. I can't…"_

_"I knew it was going to haunt us…I knew it…if it wasn't for your sick mother, it wouldn't…"_

_"Don't…no, no…don't talk like that about my mother. She wanted what's good for us. I mean, your parents, they weren't supportive and mine were so religious. What could we do…we were…what, fourteen?"_

_"It's our mistake, it's their mistake, it's everyone's…and it's biting us in the ass right now."_

_"But we're not sure, you know…I mean, we could be speculating, imagining. It really could be my mind. I just felt it, a weird feeling, the resemblance is…is strange."_

_Fuzziness covers my vision as I begin to lose balance or sense of what's around me. I feel the insides of my stomach churning. I want to vomit but I can't stand up because the pain that just hit my lower abdomen is too sharp. _

_I can hear my breathing; it's too loud, hushing the sounds in the background. What did I just hear? What? What is my mind doing to me? I want to die. I just want to die; I can't deal with my mind. I can't live with this mind. I can't see anything._

_I crawl to the bathroom and lean in front of the toilet. I free everything I have digested the day before and cry as quiet as I can. It feels like someone is kicking me between my legs, on my lower back, and on my belly. Did I eat something terrible? Are the medicines making me lose my senses? I've never felt this hurt, I never felt this lost. What happened to me? It's like…it's not only my tongue that cannot function properly, but my brain is malfunctioning as well. Everything is testing me. Everyone is testing me. _

"Hush, hush…it's alright…it's…it's fine. Stop, stop, come on…" Her hands touch me but I push them. "Please stop. You're only puking bile…there's nothing left in your stomach…it will…oh, god." Loud sobs break through me as my head hits the edge of the shower next to the toilet.

I feel the exact same pain I have felt that day, I feel as lost as that day. Except now, every inch in my body feels like it's being ironed while someone pushes a combustible ember between my legs.

I try to catch my breath but I can't. Tegan pushes my inhaler between my lips and holds my head. I can barely see her but I can hear her words, "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have listened to you…this is entirely my fault. Let's…let's get you to bed."

I am carried like the sleeping beauty in Tegan's arms, but I can only feel like a dead body pleading for restoration. How did I get myself into this mess? Is it the books I read? Is it loneliness? What is it? I constantly ruin my relationships after few years…it's like…it's like I'm not destined for anyone. It's like I'm not allowed to love and feel.

I wish I can remember the night before. Maybe, if I did remember it I wouldn't feel this awful. I wish the words in my head would go away. I know…I know I'm imagining. My mind is intense and my heart is a catalyst; it combusts my entire body.

"You weren't ready," Tegan says. The pillow feels warm underneath me. I don't know what time it is, I don't know what day it is. The last thing I remember is laughing at the bar. "Can you breathe?"

I look up at Tegan standing with an anxious face. Her body is marked with vestiges of my foolish tongue. She is crying…well, no…there are tears streaming down her face. She is disappointed. She thinks it's because of her…she can't know what I think…I want to get better not get labeled crazy.

She covers me with a blanket and puts the purring cat next to me. She disappears, leaving me with an aching body and a remorseful soul. Should I tell her or not? No, I should not. Maybe she will laugh, maybe she will worry about my sanity, but maybe she will feel the way I feel; maybe she will be traumatizes, paranoid, unnerved for the rest of this relationship. If I open my mouth I will ruin us, and I have already done enough in the past year. We were good…so good, almost like old times…we were in peace, living in tranquility, why would sex have to ruin it as usual?

Tegan comes back with a glass of water and an Advil. I sit up but my hand is too shaky to hold the water. She helps me drink while we both cry in silence. She doesn't say anything else. She disappears again but returns before I can take another journey inside my rotten mind. She places a cup of coffee and a doughnut on the nightstand.

"How's your head? You hit it too hard."

"Fine." My head is the last thing I'm thinking of at the moment.

Tegan puts on fresh boxers and a baggy yellow t-shirt. She wipes her tears and exhales. "I guess that everything is quite clear now."

There is fire in her voice. It does not have the usual rasp that I love; it has a choked up octave that brings the guilt in me.

"What do you mean?" I put a tight grip on the white mug, even though it burns my palms. I don't want to drop it, so I bear the heat.

"We're obviously not working…together. You can't be with me, Sara. You don't want to be with me, and I am forcing you. I don't want to do that. Maybe we should break up."

"Why are you saying this?" I put the mug back on the nightstand. That's what I was scared of. How am I going to come up with a convincing excuse to my recent behavior? Well, admitting I have serious mental issues is one…but I can't do that.

"Are you serious? I told you good morning, you freaked out when you realized we fucked last night and shoved me off the bed."

"Because I was going to puke." Lies, lies…she knows I am full of bullshit. I wish I can tell someone, I wish I can talk about it, and they tell me I am stupid and laugh at me so I can actually feel relieved. "Tegan, I love you."

"You can't trust me touching you, Sara. I can see you are scared."

"I am not." I'm not scared of you; I'm scared of the deception of my mind. "I was in the heat of the moment, I…I was just surprised. I also…" I take a deep breath. "I don't remember anything; I feel the worst pain between my legs at the moment. I don't know why I am this hurt."

"It's because…" Tegan sits on the mattress. Flaming colors stain her face. "You came seven times and asked for the eighth but you fell asleep while we were…"

"Seven?" I exclaim. The cat jumps up with a loud meow. "Oh, Cyndi." Tegan picks her up from the floor and places her on her lap.

"Umm, yeah…uh, you wanted that, you really did…"

"I believe you." I start to relax, finally able to drink my coffee. It's not her fault, nor is it mine if what I think I heard is actually true. I think ignoring it is the best solution. But, maybe, and I think that's the stronger option, it is merely a hallucination. I hope that's the case. It's still not her fault both ways and I wish I can let her know. All I can do is try to calm down and ignore my villains.

"Can you tell me more?" I take a bite of the gooey doughnut. The chocolate melts in my mouth. Comfort food is always good in these situations. Tegan knows what my body needs.

Tegan crosses her legs as she sits opposite to me. Her hair is greasy, kind of standing up, but half of it is covering her face. Her face is flushed, but it looks fresh. Her left eye is droopy. She bites onto the piercing beneath her lips as she thinks. She looks younger, way younger. She looks innocent in this look and in this state. I can see the gap between our ages though her timid body language.

"We got pretty drunk at the bar. Like, very wasted. I thought I was more drunk than you, but I guess…you beat me." Nervously, she chuckles.

"I remember a couple of things. Laughing, making fun of people. Oh, yeah…you saying something about the stripper's…oh." The memory of Tegan's filthy words strikes my mind, making me halt chewing. Her eyes widen, too. She looks at the cat, avoiding my eyes.

"Yeah, umm, apparently I didn't have any filter."

"Yeah." Which is fine, really. I guess we just haven't talked to each other freely for awhile. Tegan wasn't scared of being dirty, especially during sex, but I guess we have forgotten we used to enjoy that.

"Yeah, so…umm, we got back home. We made out, we had sex. I mean, I went down on you. Then you fucked me with the dildo, and then you wanted me to finger you. And then…"

"Okay, I get it."

"We fell asleep at almost seven in the morning." I look up at Tegan with a furrowed brow. What time is it now if we slept in the morning? Did I enjoy the sex? I clearly did. I wish I can remember it. "It's, uh, three something right now."

"Oh, wow."

Tegan gets me comfortable clothes to wear. She helps me into a thin, red t-shirt and pulls up my grey yoga pants. She zips up her white hoodie for me and brushes my hair. I kiss her and smile. I want to assure her that I am better than I've been half an hour before and I am not scared of her touching me. "Thank you."

She shakes her head. "No need."

"How many times did you come?"

"Uh…just that one time."

"It was very bad, wasn't it?" If I don't remember doing it, I am very positive I did it as terribly as possible. Emy told me about how bad I am in bed when I am drunk.

"Well…umm…" She giggles. "Yeah…I guess I've had better from you."

"I'm sorry." I should probably make it up to her. I have to. I have to let her know that things are normal, because they are. They have to be. Enough overthinking and imagining. Enough hurting your brain, Sara. Just stop it and look forward. You have what you need now, be happy.

"It's fine. I'm glad I made you happy, even if you don't remember it." Our cat is often jealous of us when we are close to each other. She likes to sit between us or sleep in the middle of us or join us as we cuddle. I think it's adorable, Tegan finds it strange. She glowers when Cyndi sits between us and stretches, clearly asking for attention. "You were pretty distracted with your body and this one was on the mattress too, which made it harder to concentrate because she wouldn't get off."

"Oh, god," I mumble. "What do you mean distracted with my body? And did she watch us during the whole thing?"

"You kept touching your breasts and looking at them, it's as if you've never seen your tits before. You were mesmerized, and I don't blame you." Tegan grins. I adore her smile. I can instantly forget why I am angry when she smiles this way. "And yes, Cyndi enjoyed the show."

"I'm very embarrassed." Embarrassed doesn't even define it. I think I want to hide my face from Tegan. I have no idea what I did and said and this is terrifying. Four years with each other and I still manage to put myself in awkward situations. I am lucky she doesn't judge, I am lucky she gets these moments as well, so she can feel what I am feeling right now.

"You don't need to be embarrassed. It was actually fun for me, too."

Where do we go now? Should I kiss her? Make it up to her at this moment? I'm not sure my mental state can allow me that. I will break down on her body if I touched her with my thoughts all over the place.

"How do you feel now?" Tegan asks. She hugs herself and sniffles.

"Better. Maybe I need a bath so my muscles can relax."

"Yeah," Tegan mumbles. She is playing with the cat's paw carelessly. "My head hurts, really bad."

"I'm surprised you remember everything."

She looks up at me, shrugging. "I'm glad I do. I would have thought I hurt you, and you would have thought so, too…probably."

"No, Tegan." She shrugs again. Tears start to stream down her face. "Baby, no."

Before she tries to leave the bed, I hold her wrist and pull her down. She doesn't want to look at me. I have to say something, but words won't come out. Here is another impediment that I have created myself. Here is another reason that's stopping us from being a happy, healthy couple: my rotten mind.

"I guess…" I commence, processing illogical sentences in my head, striving to find logic inside each phrase, "I guess not having sex made me feel like things are so peaceful and beautiful between us. I was just scared of it, not of you. I felt like it could hurt us, like it could lead to complications…because, that's…that's what happened before. It just felt that things were good and peaceful…"

I don't think Tegan believes these words. She is moving her head in agreement, but from her eyes I can see she is trying her best to make sense of what I just said just to give me the benefit of the doubt.

"Well, in the past we were sleeping with Emy, which was not really good."

"No, it wasn't," I admit.

"And I was not on any medications…and you were depressed and I didn't notice it."

"Yes."

"Those were the reasons our relationship was terrible, it wasn't the sex. Now we are better, I believe. I don't know about you, though. I don't want to force or pressure you at all, Sara."

"I know, baby." I sigh. "Trust me I am not angry with what happened. I can't let you believe…"

The bell rings, interrupting the words which were going nowhere. Tegan looks at the bedroom door, brows furrowed. The cat jumps up when it rings again. I think this is the first time we hear it ringing. Nobody ever visits us, at all.

"I'll get the door." Tegan and the cat leave the room, so I follow. I tread carefully behind, trying my best not to brush my thighs together so I wouldn't feel the burn. Now the person is knocking on the door. My cat is jumping up and down like a maniac waiting for Tegan to get closer and open it.

Tegan gasps as soon as she opens the door. I try to get a look but her body is blocking my vision. However, soon she is pushed out of the way, giving me a clear view of who's standing there. "What the…"

"Sara," Joy shouts, running up to me. She hugs my aching body, making me flinch. I look at Tegan, who is too shocked to move.

"Close the door, Cyndi's gonna escape," I yell at my girlfriend. "Joy, what are you doing here? What the hell? How did you…" I am too dumbfounded to progress what my baby sister is doing here, in my apartment, in NYC…alone.

"I…I…" She looks at me then at Tegan then at Cyndi, who is obviously scared of her dark hair, smudged makeup, and black clothes. "I ran away," she mumbles.

"Holy shi..." Tegan stops herself when I give her a warning look.

"Joy, how did this happen? How did you even get here? How did you get a ticket or get on a plane? You're a minor. And mum and dad, how the fuck…they don't know where you are, oh my god, they must be freaking out right now…shit, Tegan, call mum, tell her Joy is here and she's safe."

Joy begins to cry, pleading not to call mum, but I can't let my mother and father freak out about their missing teenage wreck. Tegan is panicking like me. I'm not sure what I should do and why did Joy run to me. I'm not sure why she thought of that. I am thankful she's somewhere safe and not missing, but I feel terrible for my parents, who are probably losing their shit right now.

"Why did you run away?" I ask as calmly as I can, even though there is a tremor inside my body. I can barely stand and the pain is shrouding me once again.

"I panicked. I didn't know what to do, okay…I did something very bad…very, very bad and I didn't know who to tell and you weren't there…I…" Joy is sobbing in a way that breaks my heart. I have never seen her crying like that. I never saw her crying, anyway.

"Sara, your mum and dad are near a mental breakdown. Rob picked up and I couldn't get anything. He handed the phone to Jessica who kept shouting. I…they said that Rob will be here? I don't get it…I…"

"No, no, they can't take me from here. I can't go there…I…" Joy protests. Her wailing is too loud, making the cat meow lightly.

I take a seat on the sofa, wincing and groaning. "Joy, what did you do?" It's like someone has poured down all the patience of the world on me right now. I am biting my tongue, holding my tears, trying not to scream, trying to keep everything under control.

"I might be pregnant," Joy says quickly.

"What?" _Pregnant?_ What did I just hear? Did Tegan hear it, too? Tegan is staring at her with wide eyes…yes, she probably heard it, too. I think I am getting dizzy.

"I had sex with this guy that…that I really don't know but he was cute and I wanted to, but I think I am pregnant and I freaked out and came here so I can…like, get rid of the baby, if there is any, or hide from mum and dad because…" She sniffles and stutters. "Because they will kill me if I am. I want you to help me, please. You're my sister, Sara. Please, hide me from them. I don't wanna go back there. Please."

I'm not sure if I should hug her, shout at her, or cry because I am not sure what to do exactly. I look at my girlfriend for help, but her body is a statue. I don't even know what to say.

"How did you get here alone, Joy?" Tegan finally asks. The question is not one of the many I have in mind, but I am glad she spoke up because I'm not sure I can say anything at the moment. "What I know is that minors can't get here alone."

"I forged dad's signature. I have the money," she responds coldly, without even looking at her. Joy doesn't like Tegan at all, not after last year.

"When was the last time you slept with that man?" Tegan asks again. Joy doesn't respond; she looks at me with a frown instead.

"Joy," I try, my voice pathetic, broken, unable to deliver, "please answer."

"Two weeks ago," she mumbles.

"How many times did you sleep with…with him?" I ask.

"Three."

"Who is he?" I ask loudly, scornful and angry.

"Does it matter right now?" Tegan says. "When was your last period?" she asks my sister.

"I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my sister," Joy screams, a bit too dramatically.

"We want to know so we can fucking help you," I scream in return. I never thought I had this timbre in my voice. It shocks me when I hear it. I sound like a mother when she has had enough. I feel like one at the moment.

"I don't know," Joy cries. "I don't know. I don't count. I don't remember." Her honest fear and continuous weeping force me to get up and hug her. I whisper unsure assurances to her ear the way I am supposed to as a big sister, even though I am honestly unable to stand on two feet or think rationally.

I have so many questions in my mind. Who is this guy and why? She's so young. How did this happen and why did she even come to me? I have never been one who gave an advice or helped someone, I always wanted help. I have never been given responsibility, at all. I didn't think I'd wake up and find someone asking me to protect or help them. And my mother is surely in agony. I can't even imagine how terrified and grieved she is.

"Sara." I look up at Tegan who has just called my name. "Can I talk to you for a bit?"

"Sure." I direct Joy to sit on the couch and follow Tegan to our room.

"This is just…" Tegan chuckles.

"Sex? At fourteen? Just like that?" I say in disbelief.

"It happens, Sara. Sadly, it does." Tegan has been there, but not with a guy. If Joy has slept with a girl, nobody would have been freaking out like that. This wouldn't have happened, I guess. "I'm going to get a pregnancy test and you try to talk to her."

I haven't thought of that. I can't even think of the simplest things on my own. "Yeah…th…that's a good idea."

"Call your mother and tell her. She has to know. Try to understand something from her."

"Yeah."

Tegan will always be the one who thinks quickly and I will always be the one who needs her to get to something. Even in the silliest matters. Even in matters that have nothing to do with her. Sometimes I feel like I am incapable of connecting two dots without her help, or maybe I rely on her too much, knowing she is here. I wait for her to make the first move, all the time. I've never been like that with Emy or with anyone except with her. I am not even sure if this is part of our love, or it's just part of my reliance on someone I trust. In both cases, I am thankful I have her, but I do fear not having her one day if I keep watching every move, waiting for the flaws, comparing my person and hers, and trying to compete with her.

I woke up to the horrifying thoughts that she is my sister and now I am in a horrifying situation because my adopted sister, who is only fourteen, thinks she is pregnant. However, all I'm thinking about is the differences between Tegan and me.

**…**

My mother sure has the best solutions to fix problems—sarcasm is obvious. Now what would Rob do here? What's his purpose in a situation like this? Mother thinks that giving Rob money to get a ticket and fly here would solve a problem that has nothing to do with him. This is only making it more difficult for me to tell her why Joy is here. Joy can go back the way she came, alone. She can do that easily since she came here by herself. I do forgive mum for thinking this way. My father is sick, which makes sense why Joy didn't tell them and ran here. Mum can't follow, too, because she will have to leave dad, who is too miserable because of Joy. They are obviously not in the right state to think rationally at the moment. Rob is trust worthy, and it's always better to send youth to soften up a young person's heart than to send someone as old as my parents.

"We're trying everything," mum says through sniffles. "We give her space, we let her go out with her friends, I let her dye her hair, put the makeup she wants, and dress the way she likes. We barely say no. We treat her more freely than the way we treated you and yet she runs away because she doesn't want to be with us."

"Mum, it's not that." There are two fingers in my heart and whenever I hear my mother's cry, I feel them pinching a piece of me. I never thought I loved my mother this much, I never thought I'd feel so sad hearing her cry. I want to cry, too.

"What is it then? Did she talk to you? Did she tell you? Is it something seriously bad?"

Maybe I should not tell her until I am sure of the result. I think Joy is actually pregnant, since she believes so herself. So telling mum the reason at once is better than telling her there is a possibility, and then confirming the existence of the possibility.

"I haven't gotten to talk to her, but I will tell you the reason when I do…ta…talk to her. I just wanted to let you know she is safe so you wouldn't worry. Ma…maybe she should stay a few days here, you know…to…f...for things to calm down, I mean."

"Sara." Mum takes a long breath. "Just talk to her and tell me what's going on. If I am incapable of helping her because of my age there are therapists here, there are many ways for her to chat with someone who understands. She could have called you, she could have texted you, skyped with you."

My mother is right, for sure. I think the panic Joy was in led her to take such a quick decision. It's common for teenagers to run away from their problems because facing them isn't what they are used to do. It's predictable that Joy would do this because that's how she and I were raised; to hide the mistake, hoping it would disappear until we cannot hide it anymore.

"Mum, please, please calm down. I will talk to her. She didn't know what to do, she panicked. It's…it's natural for kids her age. I know about these cases. Don't worry, please. Sometimes…pressure leads kids to behave like that. She ran to me, not ran away completely. It's gonna be alright. Please relax…you and dad, and I will call you later. Okay?"

"Yeah…yeah, fine."

"Love you, mum," I say. "Goodbye."

"Bye," she mutters.

When I hang up, I look at my sister, who is sitting across from me in the living room with Cyndi in her lap. I look at her for long seconds, my eyes and hers connected. She sniffles but does not blink. Does she know I am not her sister? How come nobody told her? Is it my job to tell her? Can she see the difference more clearly in my eyes? Only hazel, nowhere as deep as her blue ones. Can she spot the difference in my skin? Not as pale as hers, despite being pale. Her hair is dark now, darker than mine, but once it was blond, like my mother's. She had a sweet face and an innocent smile and now I see distress, I see regret, I spot guilt and fear.

"Talk to me." I move in order to sit next to her. I sit on the same sofa, but I keep a bit of distance to give her some space. I don't want her to feel that I am attacking her. I want her to open up before Tegan could get here. I know Tegan could have taken only five minutes to get the pregnancy test, but I believe she prolonged the process on purpose in order for Joy to feel comfortable and talk.

"Thanks for not telling mum," she whispers.

"I didn't tell her only because I want to be sure of what to tell her. She will know why you're here in both cases."

"Please, no."

"She has to."

"I will be grounded for the rest of my life."

"That's what you're scared of, Joy? Getting grounded?" She is a kid. She can't even realize the situation she is in. "You could be bearing someone inside you and you're worried about getting grounded?"

"I wanna have an abortion, that's why I came here…you know…these doctors, I'm sure. You can help me…and we don't have to tell mum."

_You're stupid, _I want to say. I hold it in, though. "How did it happen? And who is this guy?" Maybe starting from the beginning will help me understand my sister.

"He's with me in school, he's also in this cool band. His name is Brad." She blushes deeply. "He's seventeen."

"He's way older than you." She shrugs. "Does he know? That...that you know, you could be…"

Joy shakes her head quickly. "He was nice. He flirted with me. We smoked together after one of his gigs and then he took me to his car and we…we did it there."

"That was your first time?" Cyndi walks up to me and buries her face in my lap. I put my hand on her soft fur and begin to pet her.

"Yeah."

"I wish you had a better first time. I wish you waited."

She shrugs again. "I didn't mind it, I liked him. He was sweet. The second time was in his room when his parents were away and the third in his car again. The second time was better…I…I think it's the time I…I don't know, you know, the time…"

"I get it." Joy starts crying once again. "Why didn't you use protection?"

Her shoulders shake as she weeps. I sigh, not knowing what else to say. "You grew up too quickly; all of a sudden…I can't process it…so…so of course mum and dad can't, too."

"I didn't know…I wasn't really aware of it…like, I just thought everyone has sex and that it's normal, I didn't think of these stuff…I don't know if he used any or not."

"You didn't see or feel it?"

She looks up at me, her face is pink again. "N…no." She bites her lower lip. "I didn't look…I…it scared me."

Of course it scared her. Clearly, she was manipulated and most probably pressured in implicit ways to sleep with this guy. If I tell her this, she will disagree and will shout at me.

As we wait for Tegan to get here, I hear more about Brad, who, thankfully, she is not dating, but then again, I'm not sure if this is good if she turns out pregnant. Of course I would get her to abort the baby, but I have to tell my parents first. Nobody is ready for this. She is a small child, and it's scary how real the possibility seems. She has the features of a child; she uses the words and actions of one.

"Are you okay?" Joy asks when silence prevails. "I mean, you and Tegan, is she treating you good?"

"Yes."

"You are walking weirdly and wincing whenever you sit or stand. Is she hurting you? You guys seemed...I don't know, very…weird when I came."

"I think my life with my girlfriend is none of your concerns when you are in this situation," I respond harshly.

"I care about you."

"Thank you, but focus on the shit you got yourself into, I think that's more important right now."

Tegan comes after a short while. She gives me a bag that has five pregnancy tests. We try to figure out how to use them by reading the instructions.

"I see them peeing on it in movies," Tegan tells me.

"But do they really pee on it? Isn't there something…like…okay, yeah…there's a thing to pee on."

"Go in with her."

"I can do it," Joy says. "I don't think I can pee for all the five."

"Put it for five seconds, hold your pee, put the next one and pee again then hold your pee in again…"

"No," Tegan says. "No, that's not good. Just use this one for now and keep drinking water to use the second and so on."

If she tests positive in the two, I really don't think we need to take the others. If she tests negative, maybe I should take her to the doctor to make sure.

"How do you feel?" Tegan whispers once Joy is in the bathroom. Her body inches closer to mine and I lean in for a comforting embrace. I release a whiny sound when she kisses my forehead. "Sore? Dizzy? Nauseous?"

I wrap my arms around her and smile when my head rests on her warm chest. How can I love her this madly? How is it possible? "All," I mumble. "I'm so scared and worried."

"I know, baby." Tegan sighs. "This is not your responsibility, but we have to bear it for now."

"You don't have to." I chuckle. She looks at me and sighs again. "I'll…I'll try to handle it. I'm just not sure what to tell Rob, and I'm not sure why is he sent for the rescue. My mum didn't think rationally."

My sister calls me just then, her voice full of panic and so both Tegan and I become alarmed instantly. She faces us in the bathroom with the test in her hands, unable to read the result…because it's not even out yet. She calms down when we tell her that, but nothing in me rests because in few minutes we are destined to know whether she is carrying or not, and most probably she is with a child.

"You're not pregnant," Tegan screams all of a sudden, the stick in her hand.

"What?" I shout.

"She's not. It's negative." Joy starts crying, probably because she's overwhelmed and shocked. "But we have to make sure, so you have to take a second one."

"Yes, Joy."

The second test gives the same result. I hug my sister as she cries. She must be endowed with feelings I cannot understand. Her life depended on that moment, on that one moment that could have changed her entire life. I wonder if my birth mother had been in such a similar situation. I wonder if giving me up was _that_ deciding moment. I wonder what her reaction was when she found it. Where is she? Does she know me? Remember me? Alive or dead? Near or far? Is she as close as I see her or am I longing to see someone I've never met because of this hollowness that dwells inside my skin?

Joy begs me not to tell mother and lie to her instead. I don't know how to lie well; I don't know how to make up a lie. I also believe that informing my parents will put them in the picture of Joy's reckless ventures. I don't want my sister to repeat the same mistakes; I certainly don't want my parents to repeat the same mistakes with her. We are born and raised as individuals who cannot tell what's right and what's wrong, always giving up, always afraid, always trying to hide, and accepting anything because it's better than nothing when we know we can get better. I never knew when to stop things—anything—until an ax fell on my head and I am still paying the price. I always thought little of myself and I still do; never learned not to. My parents treat us as children even though we are growing. I am still their little girl, still unable to find success because they never believed I could.

We agreed not to tell Rob if he actually gets here as my mum says. Joy is embarrassed and telling him will make her feel uncomfortable. My mother's reaction is not as I expected. She's neither screaming, nor quiet…and she is more understanding than Joy has predicted.

"I had a feeling," mum says through the speakers. Joy hasn't said any word. I took her to my room and I called mum and filled her in. "She has changed."

I'm not sure whether my mother is holding it in with pretense until Joy is back and then she will liberate her anger, or she is truthfully calm. "Good thing she is not."

"I don't see any good side of what happened, Sara."

"I know, mum. It's…it's not something she's proud of." I look at Joy's contrite eyes, at her silent face, at her pouty lips. "She regrets it. I think she has…l…learned her lesson." I honestly don't think so, but I am trying to cool things down, I have to.

"Doesn't matter. I think her dad and I will have a new strategy around the house. Since ever Jane left, Joy hasn't been the same. Maybe she feels lonely, maybe she feels like no one understands. I get it, but…but I'm not letting it go unnoticed anymore."

"Yeah," that's all I can say. What can I say, anyway? I am put in the middle, and I don't know how to help properly. I tell mum Joy will stay a few days here till everything calms down. However, Rob is already on the plane. So I guess he'll be stuck here for a couple of days, too.

Tegan cooks dinner for us. Her lasagna makes my sister moan then regrets it immediately once she remembers who has cooked her meal. Sonia's recipe, always delicious; always fantastic. Tegan and I talk about how much this situation reminds us of Emy taking refuge at our place for weeks awhile ago; it also makes us discuss children…for the first time since we argued about it with Emy. Tegan wants children, I do, too.

"In few more years would be very nice, I guess," she says, shrugging.

"Yes, I would be more ready…no back pain and stuff. I mean…" I chuckle. "You're very young but I guess in a couple more years I'll be in my thirties and I might think of it more. Not now, though."

"Oh, you want to carry?" Tegan asks, stunned.

"Why not?"

"Oh, just wondering. I'd like to carry, too…someday maybe."

We drop the subject because I have to get ready to go to work. Tegan agreed she would babysit Joy, even though Joy is planning to sleep because she is tired. It's hard getting dressed in my room when Joy is here, sleeping on our bed, which—I just remembered—I have not changed its sheets.

I try not to give attention to me and my attire as I dress silently and do my makeup. I know her eyes are watching painstakingly, her tongue preparing words to spew vehemently. So before she says anything, I turn around and warn, "You're not going to tell mum and dad."

"I won't," she says, shockingly calm and impassive. "I wouldn't do that to you."

"Thanks."

"I just want to know one thing."

"What is it?" I grab my long grey coat in order to put it on over the disturbingly revealing uniform.

"Did Tegan force you to do this? Work like…like a hooker? A classy hooker?"

"I am not a hooker," I cry. "I'm a barmaid."

"I know…but your clothes, and the hours of this job…"

I cut her off, saying loudly and clearly, "I chose this job. I want this job. Nobody forced me and nobody can force me to do anything. I enjoy my job. Understand it already."

I am surprised by my own words and my entire demeanor. I am shocked with how fast and easy the words felt on my tongue and how strong and confident they felt out of my lips and inside my ears. I give my best smile to Joy, give my best kiss to Tegan, and I head to my job, walking on two frozen feet in the chilly evening.

Work without Tegan by my side—whining, laughing, talking, or just existing—is a bore. Time doesn't fly, women are not as attractive, not as nice…only extra flirty, which makes me feel unsafe, unprotected. The outfit makes me feel naked, so exposed. Every woman stares at my chest. Every woman tries to win a sweet word from me. I have never felt as objectified. I lied to my sister about liking this job. I don't like it, I only like the fact I am working. I don't think I should be in this place. I worked hard, I studied, I have a degree, I understand and love my major…yet nobody trusts me enough to put me in the right place. If only the sky has eyes, if only it can see the misery I feel at times. When will I ever be rewarded for what I've gone through?

**…**

The bar closes at three in the morning and I take my journey towards home alone. It is way colder in these hours, and the coat I have on doesn't do my frozen skin any justice. The night itself, though the city is full of lights, is frightening when I am alone. I walk this road with Tegan. It's only a ten minutes walk, but without her it feels longer. My nose is red and running and my legs are trembling. I know Tegan is waiting for me in the living room while my sister sleeps in our bedroom. I long for nothing but to submerge my skin in warm water and Tegan's hot breaths as she holds me close.

The comforting temperature of my apartment clothes me all at once, changing my mood and calming my senses. I commence unbuttoning my coat as soon as I enter, catching a glimpse of Tegan's hair on the couch. "Tee?"

"Sara," Tegan ejaculates. I turn around, taken aback with the abrupt burst. "Hi, look who's here." Then I get it, it hits me why she jumped like that. Rob is here. He stands up, smiling at me sweetly, the way Rob usually smiles. I'm glad Tegan warned me before I took my coat off and stood like that, almost naked in front of my childhood best friend, who has never seen more than arms and two bony legs. One time I scraped my knees when I fell off the bike and I had to take off my pants in his house so his mother could clean the scratches and wounds. I was thirteen. That was the only time he has seen me in my underwear; a very unattractive, flowers patterned granny panties. So I really don't want him to see me in these sickening black shorts that show half of my ass, my cellulite and stretch marks; and I don't want him to stare at my colossal cleavage like the girls at the bar. Part of me wishes I'd lose so much weight to get rid of the fat the cortisone has stored in my body and stop having feminine curves, but part of me doesn't care anymore because I can hide well under baggy attire and only project what I have to Tegan, who has a body quite similar to mine, except way more fit.

"Hi, buddy," I say, trying to smile the best I can. He gives me a hug that takes away every last bit of chilliness off my skin. "How was your flight? Thought you'd be here earlier."

"Oh, terrible. Got delayed and I had to wait. I didn't know how to get here, you and Joy didn't pick up. I had to call your parents and they gave me Tegan's number."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." I sit down on the sofa. Standing up for hours serving people isn't exactly what someone with serious back issues should do. I just want to lie down and get a massage, but I guess that won't happen tonight. "Joy is asleep and I was at work." I wonder if Tegan told him what kind of job I do.

"Sara, coffee?" Tegan asks.

"That would be fucking amazing."

She laughs a little. "Alright. Rob, what do you like to drink?"

"Oh, anything. Coffee's good."

"I'll get you some snack, too. We have left over lasagna. I'm sure you're dead exhausted and hungry," Tegan offers. I smile at her and she smiles back before walking to the kitchen.

"She's very sweet," Rob says.

"Yeah."

"How are you, Sas?" He switches his seat beside me and I gulp a little. "I miss you so much. You barely talk to me."

"I'm sorry." I barely talk to anyone anymore. I haven't talked to Emy in weeks. Sometimes I feel serenity in solitude, and I find it better to stay away from people. "I've been quite busy," I lie.

"I can see." His eyes search mine, inspect, examine, want to see, strive to know. "That's the last thing I expected you to do…bartend in a lesbian bar."

"I have to make my own money," I whisper.

"I understand."

"You do?" He nods.

"I feel like you want to talk, and I want to listen because I am…a bit worried."

"Now is not a good time," I whisper, in case my girlfriend is listening.

"I know. We'll find a way."

In fact, I do want to talk. I want to spell it out and cry in front someone who understands. No one is better than Rob to hush the fear that thrones my chest. Rob understands and never judges. He understands us when we tell him Joy is having a personal issue, which made her elope to us. He does not ask further questions. He understands it when I remain in my coat after he inquires whether I am hot and why I am still wearing that heavy material. I don't say anything and pretend I didn't hear him properly. He sleeps on the couch and Tegan and I squeeze ourselves on Tegan's side on our mattress.

"Are you still sore?" Tegan asks.

"A little bit," I say. She kisses me softly.

Sunday is dull. Bathrooms are crowded with everyone who wants to shower. The water goes cold after Joy's hour and a half long shower, which makes Tegan cranky because she doesn't function well without her morning shower; it's like coffee for me. While Rob and Joy sit awkwardly around, I begin cleaning the place like I do each morning. Tegan works on her laptop, which means she yells at everyone over the phone and gets herself angrier. When the water heats up again, Tegan and I take our shower together in our own bathroom. It's a quick shower and there is no time for fondling or messing around, but we do kiss for awhile. It relaxes both of us and puts us in a better mood.

"I came to your room to ask you about something but you were both in the bathroom, did you shower together?" Joy asks when Tegan and I enter the living room again. My girlfriend's face turns red. My pupils move gradually from my sister's childish face, to Rob's flushed one.

"I'll…I'll order takeout, umm, what do you guys wanna eat?" Tegan changes the subject.

This is why we are lucky Joy isn't pregnant. She is a little kid with her attitude and manner. She doesn't even know how to speak properly and when to say what. Now Rob probably thinks Tegan and I were having sex in the shower, and I don't know why, but it makes me feel bothered and embarrassed.

Joy and my mum talk to each other on the phone. I sit by my sister's side as she sobs while my mother talks to her. I have never seen my mother so quiet and calm in such a situation, and I think that's her anger mainly. Some people break things and cruse when angry, some stay quiet it makes the other party cry.

In the evening, Tegan takes us all to a small coffee shop downtown. She says she gets her coffee before work from here. The coffee is great, she is right. We talk a little bit about the weather, Christmas, and life. She and Rob talk about work, which is boring to listen to for both Joy and I. I still don't get a chance to free what's in my chest to my best friend and hope in the morning when Tegan leaves to work I'll be able to do so.

Everyone wakes up really early on Monday because of the cat meowing and Tegan being loud while she moves around. My plan to have Rob alone almost fails until Joy returns to sleep when Tegan leaves. I make sure Joy is fully asleep and close the door of my bedroom carefully. I pass by the other room and find Rob standing there in the empty space. If this room was furnished, he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. Maybe now we should furnish it. Buy a bed or something. Tegan wanted to make it a study for her, but then shook the idea because she didn't need to. I guess it should be another bedroom, maybe.

"I need to tell you ab…about something that…that's making me despise myself and my life," I start.

He blinks. "What is it?"

"I…" I look at the door. "Let's make coffee and something to eat…step away from here. No one can know about this."

He follows me to the kitchen, where the cat is lying on her back on our counter. I make omelets and brew coffee, waiting patiently and anxiously to spit it out.

"You're scaring me," Rob says.

"I think…I think…" I can't say it. "No, I can't say it."

"Sara, please say it." None of us are eating. I don't even have an appetite.

"I might be dating my own sister," I whisper.

His brow wrinkles. He takes a sip of his coffee, without saying anything. He wants to understand what he has just heard. "You mean…you think Tegan is your sister?" I nod. "Why do you think so?"

"I…I don't just think so, I heard some stuff when I was at her place. Her mum and dad were talking about some child they gave up years ago and how it could be me."

"When was that?" he inquires calmly.

"In the summer…I couldn't touch Tegan or let her touch me because of this fear and then…we slept together by mistake two days ago and…and it's making me lose my mind. I keep remembering, hearing things."

"Does her mother know you're adopted?"

"No."

"Okay…are you sure what you heard is true?"

"No." I sigh. "I was very…tired that day. I woke up to go to the bathroom and I was in a bit of pain that I sat on the floor outside Tegan's room and heard the conversation from their room. But I was kind of half conscious. I was dizzy and I was taking so many drugs back then. I…I threw up right after and everything felt like a dream…some kind of a dream."

He starts chopping small pieces of his omelet, taking quick bites as he hums and nods with a closed mouth. "You kind of do have…some type of an imagination, Sara." I know he's trying his best not to offend me, but I am offended. "You get paranoid…very much. Remember when you swore Emy was cheating on you with Sarah because you heard some things but it was not the case? It was your subconscious making you feel guilty for liking Tegan so much…remember?"

"Yeah." Those days were easy; I wish I'd get back to them. My one true problem was graduating, and now all I want is to be back in university, in my old pink dorm, my innocent self…the Sara that I lost, the sweet Sara that was too shy, too scared, too much of a perfectionist and a clean freak. I want to return to that Sara that knew nothing about the world.

"What would make Tegan out of all people be your sister? Is it about the looks? Yeah, you guys look alike…but so is almost every other couple. You know what they say, some couples spend so much time together they start looking like twins." I laugh loudly, wiping the tears sliding down my face. "If it is bothering you so much and you are worried, only way to rest your mind is saying you're adopted in front Tegan's mother, see if you get a strange reaction out of her."

"She did ask me whether I am adopted one time."

"Oh." Rob looks up at me.

"Yes, she's a psychologist and has read a report I've written about adoption and…fuck." I shake my head, remembering the report I've written at university, the one that fucked up my entire grade, but made my professor love me so much for taking such a risk that I got an A- at the end. It is in my brain…it's all in my brain. It's installed in there, sisters loving each other, siblings loving each other, incest…I am disgusting.

"What's wrong?"

"I am so fucking…relieved right now."

"Yeah?"

"My brain is…a disaster, but it's the one that's been messing with me. Fuck, Rob, why am I so…why am I like this?" He chuckles. "This is tiring, you know."

"Sara, you're special. You should love it and embrace it. You're smart, sweet, and special." It's only you who can see this, Rob. It's only you.


	24. Chapter 24

**Tegan**

My nerves are bad. My stomach is cramping. I feel like I want to vomit or shit my pants right there as my girlfriend and I walk the New York streets in this freezing weather. I feel no cold, only scorching heat that smolders my body. My hand grips hers so tightly and our sweat mingles together. Our steps are slow and careful as we walk to our destination way earlier than we should because we're scared we would miss the day both of us (her more than I, I'm sure) have waited for since she was promised a record deal.

I want her to sign the contract and I want us to celebrate afterwards. I want her happiness to be vocalized and reach each house in this city. When she told me a producer gave her card and asked for Sara to send her a demo, I never thought this woman would ever reply back, not because I don't have faith in my girlfriend's abilities, but because I know the people in the business, I know what corporate is, I know when someone says something, they never mean it. I was surprised when she told me this woman called and asked to have a business meeting at some fancy restaurant both Sara and I haven't heard of before.

"Bloomsbury," Sara said, "the name of the restaurant. It's not far from here. We can walk."

"I never heard of it."

"We never go to that rich people's area, Tegan."

"We are rich people, though."

"Well…" Sara chuckled. "You are, not me." I frowned but didn't say anything, I was too excited, I didn't want to have an argument about the same old boring subject that Sara cannot let go of: who pays the bills and buys the groceries and owns the house in this relationship. Even after working, she still cannot see that we are equal and she is not an inferior. It's something in her that she can't easily change, and the reason is me and what I said more than a year ago.

"We're going to sign the contract and discuss it, she said."

"That's amazing. I'm so happy for you."

"I want you to be present with me," Sara told me.

"Really?" Why would she want me to be with her when this issue of independence is what she is trying to overcome?

"Yes, I want your support." Sara wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me.

"Of course I'll be with you."

It's a small record label, Sara told me as we got dressed today. It supports indie artists and helps them out. I can't believe my girlfriend is going to be an artist and going to record an album and going to be famous and have girls all over her.

_Girls all over her?_ I glance at her in terror. I hope only ugly boys will be all over her, not girls. Or ugly girls she's not attracted to. Why is she so attractive?

"Tegan, Tegan," Sara stops me, squeezing my hand. "Relax," she whispers, facing me and looking at me intensely. "Relax," she repeats.

"I'm so excited," I say loudly, too hyper to care about people's dirty looks in the street.

Sara laughs. "I know. I can see that. You started mumbling things to yourself while we were walking. It was cute but…I had to stop you because people were staring."

"Oh, fuck." I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. "I'm just a little nervous."

"You're more nervous than I am." She holds my collar and straightens my plaid shirt. "I'm the one signing the contract, Teetee."

"I know, I know." I lick my thumb and brush her eyebrows.

"Eww." She steps away from me with laughter. "Tegan, don't be disgusting."

"Your eyebrows were bushy, I was fixing them." I take a look at her attire—white shirt, black pants, and a black blazer—formal and hot, good. Her hair is well combed but that friking fringe is all over her eyes.

"That's not the only thing bushy in my body." She rolls her eyes and I push the fringe and tuck it behind her ears. I bite onto the piercing beneath my lip as dirty thoughts cloud up my brain. "Seriously, Teetee, I need to shave," she says. "I need the razor, please. I know you have some hair fetish or something, but I need to shave. I look like a monkey; even girls at the bar are telling me to shave."

"Ugh, screw them. You're the cutest monkey." I earn a glare as we begin to walk again. "Just joking. We'll groom you when we get back, sounds good?"

"I'll groom me and you'll be away."

"Shy monkey." I kiss her cheek, making sure to wet her skin with my saliva and make her squirm. I laugh when she pushes me and shudders. "God, I love making you disgusted." I kiss her in the same spot again and wipe my traces off her cheek. "Oh, shit. I think I ruined your blusher." I begin rubbing my thumb all over her face to even out the pink on each side.

"Tegan," she says with a raspy voice, "we're here." I let go of her face and compose myself. We both know nobody's here yet, but both of us are nervous again as we enter and order a table for three. We don't say much as we stare out of the window and drink our wine in silence. Her legs are shaking rapidly and so are mine. There's an earthquake beneath our table.

A smartly-dressed, middle aged, blond woman approaches our table with the most cheerful smile I've seen in this restaurant since I sat here half an hour ago. I only know it's the woman Sara's waiting for when my girlfriend's cheeks turn red and her smile appears. Sara stands up and I do, too. I attempt to smile at the stranger who says an obnoxious, loud "hi" as she steps closer, blocking me and hugging my girlfriend, also kissing her on both cheeks. This woman is so tall that Sara is squeezed in her arms.

"How are you, Sara," the woman says as she pulls away. My girlfriend's face is flushed and her body language is vibrating discomfort with the sudden touches from a stranger. Sara's okay with being touched casually now, but still is quite uncomfortable. It took her so much time to let me in and trust me again. The sex last week was what proved to her that she was over her fear, she said to me. However, she told our therapist she still didn't like it when somebody hugged her. She didn't like it when Rob did, or when he put his hands on her thighs. The only person she felt safe hugged by was me, her family, and mine. Any other person felt like they were going to take some part of her that she was trying to restore. I, myself, have been through that when I was very young. I told the therapist that and opened up for Sara. Seeing a therapist together helped us both after last week's confusion and drama.

"I'm good. How are you, Ms. Belkin?" Sara asks politely. I smile, waiting to be recognized.

"Very wonderful. Happy to see this beautiful face of yours." I scan the woman upside down. Her suit looks expensive, way more expensive than anything Sara and I own in our closet. I am the manager of the NYC branch of one of the biggest accounting companies, and here I am dressed in a disheveled way. I should have worn a suit like Sara, even if our suits are not that fancy. "Oh, I'm sorry, hi," Ms. Belkin finally says. She stretches her arms in order to shake my hand and I'm glad I didn't get that hug as Sara. "Your sister, right? You look a lot li…"

"My girlfriend."

"Her girlfriend."

Sara and I look at each other as we say at the same time. Sara sighs. "My girlfriend. Tegan Quin, she's my girlfriend." I can sense the irritation in her voice. We've been mistaken for sisters all over NYC, and it never bothered me. I do think we look alike, it's probably because we're both so small, have the same body now that Sara gained a few pounds and have approximately similar features, which is rather normal. It bothers Sara so much, though. We argued at therapy about this point. Sara insisted we don't have features that made us seem like sisters, while I agreed with our therapist who said we do. I don't know why it bothers Sara, lots of couples start looking like each other after awhile.

"Oh, a Quin? Wait a minute, you're Stephen's daughter?" Ms. Belkin says as we shake hands.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Oh, how wonderful. You guys hold all the finances of my label_, Cherry and Ice_ records."

"Oh." I have not heard of them. "That's interesting, I guess. Well, I just got handled over the NYC branch."

"I've heard a very…strong woman took over the management. You seem so young." By strong she means bitchy. Sara smiles as we both read each other's minds.

"I am!"

We both sit down and Ms. Belkin talks more about knowing Stephen, my dad, and working with him for awhile. She talks about her label, which is boring, but Sara acts as if it's the most interesting thing ever.

Ms. Belkin (whose name, I discover, is Sandra) asks me more about work and tells me about the rumors spread about me around. I didn't know I'm that famous around some of the companies my dad's company is working with, but I guess that is a great thing because all of them think that I am tough, hardworking and the most annoying person when it comes to work.

"So let's discuss work, shall we?" Sandra says after the waiter pours another round of wine for the three of us.

"Thank you," my girlfriend says to the man politely. "Uh…yes, sounds wonderful." She smiles at Sandra.

"So, Sara, I didn't want us to meet at the record label because I didn't want this to be all about business, I wanted to get to know you more." Sandra sips more of her drink. I take another sip, too. "I didn't know you were dating a Quin."

"She wasn't with me at the bar when you gave me the card." Sandra's nails are manicured and look attractive as a shade of minty color coats them. Her fingers haven't stopped tapping the table, which is beginning to irritate me. Something about her that I want to punch because it's getting on my nerves. I begin to sweat as she speaks.

"So, business," I say. One, two, three….

"Yes. So, Sara, as we discussed in the email, recording will start hopefully after the New Year." Four…five…six…after the New Year, which means in a month and a half. Seven…eight...

"Ten songs, two singles, two music videos. Of course the budget can be fixed and all, but it's your first record so we're…"

I lose sense of what's around me as I lose myself in counting. The numbers are large as they pop on Sandra's face. Thirty-six makes me laugh because I'm sure that's her age. Thirty-six stays there on her face while Sara looks at me in confusion. Sandra's mouth is huge and her lipstick is attractive. She opens her mouth and closes it as she talks and I can't help but imagine a fly going down her throat each time she opens it again. Her teeth are smudged with her lipstick and so is the rim of the glass she's drinking from.

Sandra stands up all of a sudden. She's tall, like a building that's going to crush me. I've never seen someone so tall, I feel like a midget. "Excuse me." Sandra goes away.

"Tegan," Sara says. "Stop gaping at her like that. She thinks something's wrong with her look."

"Sasa," I mumble, "she's so tall."

"Are you okay, Tegan?"

"I…" Where did I reach with counting? I'm exhausted. "I'm trying to let the panic attack escape my system."

"I know," Sara says. "I felt it." Sara touches my hand. "I'll rub it. Just relax. We're almost done. I'll just sign the contract."

"Then we'll go home and shower?"

"Yes." Sara rubs my thigh. "She's not my type, don't worry." Sara winks at me when she sees Sandra walking our way. I wasn't even assuming that.

"Lastly, we just have a few points at the label," Sandra says as soon as she sits. Her smile is plastic and never fades just like her stupid lipstick.

"We're going to change a few things while recording."

"Such as?" Sara asks.

"We might exchange the musical instruments, some of the lyrics. You know, we don't want people to know you're queer right away. It wouldn't sell. Some songs are too gay to sell well."

"Excuse me?" I say. "Too gay to sell well? Isn't this an indie label?"

"That's true. But we care about selling, too."

"You want her to heterosexualize her music to please you?" My octave begins to rise. Sara squeezes my thigh.

"Tegan," she whispers.

"Ms. Quin, I am queer myself but I don't necessarily have to show it everywhere I go. I dress like everybody else, I talk like them, I use their words in order to be able to fit with them because that's life and that's business whether I like it or not."

"Yet you'll never fit with them because you're not them."

"Tegan," Sara says again, "let me speak."

"Let her speak," Sandra says.

"I'm sorry," I mouth to Sara. She nods slowly.

"Ms. Belkin, you saw me at a lesbian bar and flirted with me, took my number and gave me your card when I told you I make music. I know what attracted you was my looks not my voice and not my lyrics, I know you liked what I showed and thought that's how I dress each day, I know you thought I was single and am so excited to have anything that could be given to me. But you're a bit wrong. I am nothing like you thought. I am androgynous and my style keeps getting more masculine as I grow up, same as my looks. I love it this way, I am comfortable this way even if my demeanor is quite feminine and my body language and physical appearance are womanly. I am a prude and I am not comfortable projecting my body or changing my look to be liked. I am very queer and very out, I don't know how to be otherwise and I don't want to fit in with the other side. I never had a problem with my queerness and it's not my fault that you and your label do. I will never sign a contract that asks me to be someone I am not."

I blink my tears behind my lids, ready to kiss her sweet lips for releasing such beautiful words. She is the luster of the stars in my sky, she is the daisies in the spring, she is a water fountain, the beat of a heart when it's excited.

Sandra blinks as well, in shock more than admiration. She nods quietly. "Sara," she says, "you are a great person. You deserve the best in your life." Sara smiles. No, no, no, we lost a record deal. Sara lost a record deal.

"People like you, Sara, can never survive in the ugliness of this business. You didn't sell your beliefs from the beginning; you're never going to sell them ever. I wish I can sign that contract with you, but I'm not the one in charge." Sandra stands up. "I wish you the very best. Someday, I'm sure you will get what you wish to have now, and it's not a record deal."

Sara stands up and shakes Ms. Belkin's hand. I stand up, too. Sara does not seem sad or shaken. I am scared of the blow I will receive at home. "It's more than that, yes."

"It was nice to meet you, Tegan. Nice to get to know you, Sara. Wish someday we'd meet again."

Sara remains smiling after Sandra leaves. I look at her waiting for the tears. She grabs her wallet in order to pay at the reception. She grabs my hand and pulls me closer. "Come on, let's go home." She laughs softly. "Let's get you into a shower, you need one."

"Sara," I ask in bewilderment, "but…I'm sorry." We start walking again in the chilly weather. Sara is walking faster while pulling me with her.

"Don't be, Teetee," she says with her sweet voice. "I knew it was not going to happen. Business has a place; dates have another. That's why I took you with me. I told her I'm dating in the bar; she decided not to listen or decided she was going to change that by giving me a record deal. I knew how this was planned. I just had some tiny hope, but I shouldn't have."

How can one human being bear so many disappointments and remain hopeful? Sara astonishes me with her strength that keeps getting more vibrant as we both age. The Sara I first met in her pink dorm room is dead and gone; the Sara that lives with me with her short hair and tired eyes is a woman I never thought I would see. I hurt her so much that I don't know the old her anymore. I know that I loved that happy and sweet Sara, but I also love this one whose eyes are too crystal-like from the tears she has shed, and her smile is forced in order to live her days even though they are not what she wishes for.

"Here you go." I walk into our bathroom with everything Sara has required as we were walking back home. "Your razors." I lift up two razors, her old white and orange razor and a new green one I just got while buying a couple of things she requested. "Strawberry shampoo and conditioner." I lift up the two bottles she asked for. "New tweezers. I'm sorry I lost yours. I think this one is good. I swear I used it like three days ago, I don't know where I put it."

"At work, Tegan." Sara laughs. She pushes her hand under the water to feel the temperature. "You took it with you because you were in a hurry. You probably left it there."

"Oh, really? I don't remember using it there…oh, wait…yes, yes…"

"Losing it already, babe?" She starts unbuttoning her white shirt. "I really hate shaving. It's gonna take some time."

"Let me help you then." I take off my shirt faster than her and pull down my pants and underwear while she takes so much time unbuckling her belt. She gives me an amusing look as I stand naked in front of her.

"Help me, huh?" A smirk too pretty appears on her lips. The need to kiss her rises. "You'd do anything to help me if it's something I'm naked in."

"You should be flattered." I take a few steps to the bathtub, ready to step in the water. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," I screech when I jump in the scorching water. "Fuck, oh my god." I step away immediately.

"Oh shit, it's hot?" Sara says with laughter. She adjusts the heat and steps in, taking my hand to pull me closer. "You burned your bum?"

"Yeah," I moan under the relaxing stream. She touches my skin for awhile, caressing up and down and squeezing my flesh.

She closes the faucet after a few minutes and reaches for the shaving cream. "It's going to take awhile." She looks down at her legs. I don't find anything wrong in the hair that has grown there. Her mound and her thighs have so much hair which has begun to bother her lately. I tried making her comfortable with her body and how natural this hair is, but she is still not used to it and I don't think she ever will be used to it.

She sits down in order to shave her legs. I sit down facing her, too. If she's doing it, I'm going to do it, too. I will shave my body with her.

The problem is Sara's too slow and easily irritated. She takes her time while I shave quickly and finish my entire body before she finishes her legs. She looks at me from the corner of her eyes with wonder clearly stuck on her face. I offer to help her but she refuses.

"You don't have to have a bald skin."

"I want to. Can you stop intervening?"

"I'm sorry," I mumble.

**...**

"Want me to help you?" I ask after a few minutes when she starts complaining about her back. "Come on. You're done with your legs and arms."

"I'm so not going to let you shave my armpit and vagina."

"Why are you so awkward about it? I just shaved those in front of you and you took your time staring."

Sara sits up on her knees. Her breasts sway as she lifts her arms up. "Fine, do it."

"Really?" I sit up as well.

"Just do it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." She hands me the razor and asks me to come closer.

The situation is exciting and intimate. My hand wraps around her soft skin while my other works on removing the hair under her arms. Our faces are close and our eyes are glued together.

"It turned me on," she whispers.

"What did?"

"When you were shaving down there. It turned me on so much. I don't know why." Her giggle is embarrassed and small. I put her arms down when I finish. I open the faucet to clean the razor off the hair. "Now give me," she demands.

"I'm helping you."

"Not that area," she whispers timidly.

"Why not? Cause I haven't touched it before? Or seen it? Or fucked it? Come on, Sasa, stop being shy around me."

"No, it's just that…" She sits down again and spreads her legs. "What if…what if you take off my labia while shaving? What if you'll hurt me there?"

I laugh too loudly and for too long for her amusement. When I stop laughing, I realize I tore up while her face is free of any expression. "Oh, you're serious?"

She blinks without answering.

"Sara…your labia don't have hair on them."

"But you're very messy while shaving and clumsy and my labia are…too long, okay?" The crimson color blotches her face and upper neck as I laugh more.

I am a little bit embarrassed that she thinks this way and I honestly don't know how to answer her. "I'm not going to hurt you, Sara." She sighs loudly. "And by the way, your labia obsession is really funny…like, why are you so insecure about your pussy? It's like everyone else's."

Sara raises her left eyebrow. "It's like that stripper's pussy last time I checked."

"I was drunk when I said that."

"Doesn't mean it's not true."

"But why are you taking it as an offence? If it was bad, she wouldn't be a stripper. It's basically just like mine and Emy's and like every other girls', there's nothing weird about your pussy or labia."

"Ugh, this is so embarrassing to talk about." She huffs in frustration. "I can't believe you just mentioned Emy and her…"

"You get my point, though." I have distracted Sara while she was complaining about her body and took advantage of the moment to shave her pubic hair carefully. "My labia are long too, just saying," I whisper, hoping she wouldn't hear me.

"I love your pussy, though."

"And I love yours, too." I have never had a conversation weirder than this one and I'm not sure how to shut her up.

"Are you enjoying it?" she asks.

"Very much, actually. I'm getting turned on big time."

"Pervert."

"Speak of yourself." She touches my other hand while gently laughing. "So today," I begin a new topic, something burning in the back of my mind. Sara hums. "While we were sitting with this woman, I had the urge to hurt her…I don't know why. I feel bad that I had this urge. I counted to ten in order to stop thinking and to relax. She annoyed me."

Sara looks up at me for a moment. Her lips lean to one side as she loses the ability to answer me. What would she say anyway?

"I am glad I controlled it. I wanted to tell you, maybe it's not a good idea but I wanted to let it out."

"No, no," Sara says. "I'm so happy you told me. I think that's very courageous of you…speaking up, I mean."

"Yes, I'm trying."

"I'm glad you're speaking up at therapy, too. There's a lot I don't know about you and I'm happy that I'm discovering, even if it feels traumatic to expose it."

"It actually feels amazing to get it out of my system." I give her a big smile that shows my teeth, lifting up the razor to declare I have finished. "As smooth as a baby's bum."

"Shut up." She slaps my arm playfully then stands up.

In the middle of our shower, Sara starts to cry. I know the reason behind her tears so I do not question or bother her. Sometimes silence is the best thing one can give to console grief. I let my hands do the business, rubbing her soft skin; I let my lips join the consoling, kissing her forehead a few times.

We dry ourselves in the tune of her lamentations. I brush my teeth but she cannot join me for her sobs become too loud and too violent, leaving me with the option of speech. I hush her cries first, then I whisper a few words in her ears as I pick her up to take her to our room.

"It's going to be alright." I kiss her wet face as I hold her shaking body to the mattress. She writhes underneath me and shakes in my hands. "I promise you, baby. I promise you." I plant several kisses in attempt to mute the powerful sobs that are piercing my ears.

"Why don't things happen to me? Why did they never happen to me?" She hiccups and wheezes. "Since I was young…since ever, I…I wanted a friend and I barely had anyone then…then Rob came and then…and then I wanted people to know I'm gay and it took so much time…then I fell and hurt myself and couldn't walk for a year and…and I never got a girlfriend until I got Emy…" Another wave of wails interrupts her words. I hold her closer to me. I feel useless at the moment, like those times I hurt her. "Our relationship was rocky and then you came and I loved you but it took me so much time to have you…and then, Tegan, you and I, always, always had impediments in our relationship and we still do…my back, my insecurity, our feelings, my adoption, Emy, your illness and my health…it's like my life is full of impediments that stand in the way of my happiness. It's like I don't deserve it. Why is that? Why don't I deserve it?"

"You deserve it. You deserve happiness. Of course you do." I brush her hair to the back and hold her face. I try to make her bloodshot eyes meet mine but I fail because she keeps them closed. "I want to make you happy. I know the world isn't fair to you but that's because you are a good person. I want you to have the best months of your life, Sara. I…" I wish I gave more efforts, I wish the love in my heart can be vocalized, but I fail in that department; I don't know how to tell her what I feel for her. "I'm taking these two months off from work. I was already planning it. I want us…I want us to have time for each other, only us together. Coming here has already helped us…and I think, honestly…" I chuckle and cry at the same time. "My mum told me to take time for you and I…I think she's right. I want you to be the happiest girl on this planet, at least these two months. I want to spend time with you everyday. We need it."

Sara nods through her tears. Now her eyes are glued with mine.

"Work can wait and these impediments can go away at least for a bit. I want to spend Christmas with you alone, not with my family, not with yours…I want us together with each other because there's a lot…there's a lot that needs to be taken care of when it comes to us and I want to take care of it."

"Yes." Her hands clutch my towel, holding me in close contact to her body. "Please do that, please."

"Consider it already done. You deserve happiness, you deserve it and you will have it, I promise you."

And it happens; we live the happiest days of our lives as soon as I take a break from work at the end of November. I learn so much about her and she learns so much about me, realizing that there is a lot we have missed. She has been taking the self education route in her major. I didn't know she loved it that much. She explains things to me that amaze me; things I don't understand but never thought she would get them. This woman that I once explained her major for her is now studying on her own for the satisfaction it brings her.

"When I was seven, I walked in on my parents doing it." And her childhood stories are utterly wonderful and funny to hear. I listen to one after another and almost cry out of joy as we sit together in our room. "I didn't know what the heck they were doing. I thought they were exercising together, that's what they told me."

"Oh my god." I chew on my banana and laugh.

"So I told them I want to exercise with them. I was so jealous they were…exercising without me, like I was furiously jealous."

"Sara, you're sick." I hold my banana to her mouth and she takes a bite.

"I know. I kept wanting to exercise with them till I knew what sex was and it clicked in my head what they were doing…I actually puked for three days straight because I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself…I also thought it hurt and was so scared."

"You're so adorable." I kiss her cheek quickly and squeeze her naked arm. "Did it hurt? Your first time?"

"Not as much as I thought but yes…I think I hurt Emy so much, she cried."

"Seriously?" I open my mouth in surprise, laughter dancing in my lungs.

"Yup. She said it's just emotions but I know it's not. I sucked at sex."

"You're so good now." I wink.

Sara laughs in an ebullient manner, slowly pushing her body on top of mine. She holds my head so I wouldn't fall down as she straddles me. "But the last time I did you I was drunk and did it very badly," she whispers huskily, fueling my fire.

"But you're good, still good. I remember how you were last year." Our hands brush each other's skin as my girlfriend begins to sway her body slowly on my hips. I moan to let her know of the feeling she's giving me.

"I think I want to try," she suggests, pushing her face closer to mine—breath to breath; heat among heat.

"You think so?"

"I want to," she confirms.

Sara takes off her light green tank top within few seconds of making up her mind. Her breasts are almost pink in color, full and heavy; her nipples hard, staring at me with excitement to be touched and bitten the way she loves it. She stands up above my face and rids herself off her pajama shorts and black underwear. Her scent is rather heavy and ardent; it amazes me. Her cunt throbbing with heat and need, Sara strokes its folds gently in front of my eyes. Confidence is a sheer cloak she wears as she stands there giving me a show I could never dream of watching. Her clit is small, swollen, and inviting. My mouth waters for the tiny bud. Her juices are trailing all over her hand as she plays with her labia, giggling each time our eyes meet.

"Are you wet?" she asks.

My mouth is inches away from her drenched cunt, ready to drink all her juices in. "I'm always wet."

"Can I see?"

I pull my pants and briefs down my ankles and she pulls them out of my legs, throwing them in the right corner of the room. I spread my legs for her.

She sits down between my legs and stares at what I'm offering. My clit is pulsating and I'm sure she can see it because I can feel it better than I can feel my heart. I remove my shirt and sports bra, getting as naked as her.

"I want to touch you," she whispers.

"What about you?"

"No." She pauses for a quick moment before giggling like a little child of three. "I want to touch you first. I want to try but…"

"Yes, baby?" I take a hold of her shaking hand, making her stop biting her nails.

"I want you to direct me because I'm not sure I have the rhythm."

"You do, babe." I kiss her hand and pull her towards me. "But if you're not ready, just say it."

"I am ready," her hesitant voice says.

I take a hold of her left breast as she tops me. I squeeze and knead for awhile as we start to kiss. I share plenty of kisses with her each day. Kisses that show me her affection and those which show her feverish love; kisses of good mornings and good nights and those that she plants on my lips to thank me for my presence; there are those ones when she's heated and those ones when she's sad. These kisses we share now hold something stronger and bigger and I don't know how to communicate it with my thoughts. Her moans are calling for me, eyes desiring me as we part, and lust takes over our thoughts.

She descends down my body with her ardent mouth, adding more kisses to my flushed skin. Her hands are shaking inside the grip I have put on them. Her eyes are never leaving mine. She showers my breasts with wet, hot kisses and takes my nipples in her mouth, gently giving each the attention it can endure.

She loves me, she gives me, she attacks me with her lips and tongue. She shows no fear once she dives in between my thighs, inhaling my heat and lapping at my juices. She forms sounds that make me shiver and blush, sounds I've missed and needed. She mouths things I cannot hear but I know they are promises of adoration and love.

She takes my clit in her mouth and sucks…she sucks for hours and days or that's what it seems to my drumming head. I can no longer look at her coppery eyes so I close mine and get lost in the moment. Hands still holding hers, I squeeze and she moans. She moans more than once, sounds of delight and seduction. She moves her head or that's how I feel before my brain loses it and my senses give up. I feel electrified, as if my body's on pins and needles as I begin to scream when the pressure of the release captures me. She is a master in teasing and she knows when to let it happen, and she never lets it happen.

She pushes her digits in me and fucks for minutes and then pushes her tongue to taste what I deliver; she does things she and I never thought she could after such a long time, but I know that once she's in it she can never back out; it's that instinct.

Her hands let go of mine. She hits my thighs, making me jump and rock my body against her face. She slaps and slaps as I move back and forth making the wave she's creating come closer to swipe away all the storms inside me.

I scream…I scream loudly enough that I don't get a sense of what's around me, of the hair I'm pulling, or the back I'm clawing. I shake and push and come undone, unable to see or hear anything but the loud thumps of my heart and the sweet murmurs of lamentation that keep getting closer each second.

"I love you, I love you," she cries in my ears. "I'm happy, I love you." She kisses my lips, my juices and her tears both in my mouth.

It becomes a ritual, our own song, our routine—something we both cannot get sick and tired of because we've been deprived of it since our eyes fell on each other. It has always been sex but now it's something more, something bigger and much better. The intensity of her emotions and the misery that she tries to hide, though anguishes my heart, it adds up some type of chemical to the equation of our entanglement. It adds up some sort of intimacy as we make love each day.

In the mornings we wake up and have breakfast. We feed Cyndi and play with her. We talk to our mothers separately or together. Sara talks to her sister in our room while I clean the house or try to, knowing she will do it again after me. We talk to Emy at times. We try to cook together each day. We've been teaching ourselves how to cook together, and it's fun because it always ends up in sex…something about food arouses Sara, I believe.

At nights I watch a film with Sara and Cyndi sits on her lap. We make out each few minutes till our need clogs our brains, sending us to the room ready to touch each other and get lost in our fiery need.

Sometimes we have quick sex and sometimes we try to be slow and passionate. At other times we try to make it fun and add toys. It's all the same, it's all emotionally intense because Sara's feelings are strong and her tears are usually present after it. It's fear or guilt or regret…I'm not sure what it is, it's sadness and grief that's all I can see. But I can see that there is genuine happiness inside this grief and without it we wouldn't be gratified and happy.

"Merry Christmas," I scream with loud, obnoxious laughter on Christmas Eve, holding the smallest double-sided dildo I've seen. One side is green and the other is red.

"Fuck, what is this?" Sara grabs it, shaking it and inspecting. She joins me in laughter when I let my naked body fall on hers, feeling the warmth she's radiating onto my skin.

"It's the Christmas toy." I wink, making her giggle. "Your real presents will be given to you tomorrow, though." I wink again, wiggling my brow at her.

"Fuck you."

"Oh yes, you're definitely going to fuck me while I fuck you."

"Is Cyndi asleep?"

"I'm telling you we're going to use a double-sided dildo and you're asking about that motherfucker?" I sit up, pretending to be offended.

"I wanna make sure she won't interrupt. Come 'ere." Sara pulls me on top of her again, kissing my face and neglecting my lips. "This is going to be a bit tough. I've been having back pain lately, be gentle."

"I know." I spread her legs to get between them. "I got the smallest one so I can…so we can…"

"So we can?"

I've never been shy to express my needs but when she has a look of anticipation that can make a wall crack from embarrassment, I can't let my words out. I love this look, I love remembering she's older and she can make me feel so small, like a feather.

"So we can, like, scissor…like, I want to touch your…cunt."

She hums…or moans. I'm not quite sure but it's sexy. It's so sexy I begin to thrust into her, meeting her center.

"Uh ohh…" She kisses my jaw sensually. "Looks like someone is so ready."

"Yes."

"Are you sure that toy won't get lost in me? I'm kinda wide."

"No you're not, I've been there yesterday."

"Shut up." She slaps my arm bashfully. "Seriously, though…you have to be gentle."

"I will." I sit up, ready to push the toy in me. "We'll go to physiotherapy like we agreed?"

"Yes." She uses her elbow to watch me push the green part in me. It goes in quickly and smoothly, leaving the bent red part aiming at her. "Therapy too, Teetee?"

"Of course." I don't want to talk about therapists and doctors at this moment. I want to feel her body collided with mine.

It starts slow like all our rituals. I start pushing carefully but easily because we both have taken toys much bigger than this one. I try to meet with her where I want but our parts don't touch as I wish. It frustrates me, making me sweat heavily as I don't succeed in bringing any of us the pleasure I've been desiring to provide.

"Come here," she whispers. "Sleep on top of me, join your body with mine, stop looking at the toy." I fall into her arms and she holds me down on top of her chest. "Move your butt now, only your butt." I follow her orders; my hips begin to rock on top of her. "Yes…just like that, are you feeling it?"

I moan as the pleasure begins to find a place in my body. I feel her legs wrap around my ass, pushing me down more and giving the space I want for our cunts to touch.

And then it happens, I feel her labia brushing onto mine and I feel her clit, too. I quicken the pace, hearing her voice getting louder.

I sure do hope we're not making our neighbors angry. I sure do hope we don't piss them off each night and especially not on this holy night. Sara's screams are loud, so loud and so beautiful and resonant. We laugh together each time our pussies touch. We scream together, too.

"Remove it," Sara pants in the middle of our sweaty motions. "Remove the stupid dildo and just fuck me with your pussy."

"Sara…fuck."

"Remove it." She pushes me out of her. With a hungry need she pulls the phallus out of me.

"Fuck, I love you," I murmur as I touch her body again.

"I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come."

"Wait for it…I'm close."

I can feel her juices engulfing mine and mine mixing with hers. I can feel her small and delicate folds kissing mine and feel my clit meeting hers. With each thrust she gives me a scream and I give her a kiss in return. She comes seconds before me and I follow her in the feeling, closing my eyes as my body shakes.

We decide this was not the best sex we've had but it was definitely something we both wanted and glad we have finally tried and actually had received an outcome of. The Christmas dildo is a failure but it will always remind us of this Christmas and how we spent it alone, with a peace of mind and purified souls.

"Guess what, you guys?" Emy shouts through the webcam.

"What?" Sara and I ask in unison as my girlfriend sits between my legs and lays her head on my chest.

Emy holds up her right ring finger, showing off a large diamond that can honestly blind my vision.

"Wow," Sara says. "Umm…congrats, Em."

"Thank you," our friend says cheerily.

"Congratulation, Emy."

"Thanks, love."

"How did it happen?" Sara asks.

"Well…" Emy looks behind her to make sure, I assume, Amber is not around. "Bee wants to start a family with me."

"Interesting," I mumble.

"Yup." Emy's face is flushed. "I know…I know I said that I don't want it now but I love her. I really do and I think…I want that, too."

"I'm happy for you, Emy," Sara says. I hold the heating pad closer to her hip as she adjusts her body. She's been having issues with her back lately. The doctor gave her a couple of exercises that we're trying to work with, but they don't give us any improvement.

"Thank you, Sare." Emy sighs. "I proposed."

"You did?" I gasp.

"Yes…I mean if we're starting a family…I think, you know, we gotta tie it down."

"True." I nod slowly.

I wonder if Sara's jealous. I wonder if she wants it, too. We talked about children but never marriage. She never mentioned it and I never did, too.

"So when are you guys going to start the process?" Sara asks.

"Very soon actually. We found a donor and hopefully this month. We don't want a big wedding, but you guys will come when it happens, right?"

"Oh, yes, definitely, honey," Sara says sweetly.

"You or her?" I ask.

"Of course her. You know I can't carry a baby."

"Wow. You're going to be a mum," Sara states. "How does it feel?"

"Very overwhelming." Emy pauses and we do, too. What if Sara's jealous and wants to be a mother, too? She always stated she wants to carry, but I want to do that, too. I can let her carry and then I will after her. But can I really raise two children? "I mean, I'm only twenty-five…but, I think I can handle it. So, what about you? What's up? Your back again?" Nice move to change the subject, well-played, Emy.

"Mhm." Sara sighs, placing my hand on her abdomen. "I'm afraid I'll have to resort to cortisone again."

"Don't say that…" I exclaim.

"It's true," Sara says. "I can barely go to the bathroom alone." Emy purses her lips, not knowing what to say. I know Sara's upset because we haven't been able to have sex this past week. She can barely walk and the exercises are doing close to nothing. "You had to come help me get off the toilet today. I'm…I'm upset."

"She's seen it all, Sara," Emy says softly.

"Tell her," I say, giving Sara's tummy a pat.

"What caused it to act up all of a sudden? A sex position went wrong or something?"

Sara falls silent and I do, too. Emy gasps, finding out the reason due to our loud silence. It was a wrong idea to try the Christmas dildo and scissoring. I'm dumb…always coming up with dumb ideas, always hurting her.

"Fuck, you guys are wild."

"Well, not anymore," Sara says.

**...**

**January 2009**

Sara's been bitter lately. I know such a thing can affect one's mood greatly, but she's been extra bitter than the normal Sara I know. What makes it worst is finding out that Sara needs cortisone shots to restrict a growing inflammation.

Therapy makes us calm down and makes her pour her emotions out, but at home we're always at a silent war no matter how hard I try to make her feel better. The happiness we both started this vacation with suddenly stops as it's about to end, and I don't want to leave Sara with the same mood I found her with when I took time off work.

"I don't feel pretty, I feel fat," Sara cries to Dr. Philips. "Whenever I go through this, I gain weight, I feel ugly…I feel old and decaying."

"Does Tegan make you feel this way?"

I look at Sara, waiting for her answer. Maybe I do without feeling it. I do lots of terrible things to her without knowing, that's what I realized.

"No, never." Sara wipes her tears.

"Tegan, don't look at her." I look at our therapist. "I don't want her answers to be forced and influenced by a look you give her even if you don't intend to."

"What makes you feel this way, Sara? If it's not Tegan…what makes you feel this way?"

"I am fat, can't you fucking see it?" Sara shouts rudely. "Can't you see my breasts? My thighs? My stomach?"

"I honestly cannot," Dr. Phillips says. "Tegan has said that your breasts are slightly bigger now and she's very happy about that, your thighs are full and that's sexy to her, your stomach barely has any fat in it yet you decide to see it. That's what your girlfriend said in the last session."

"Maybe she's lying to make me feel better." I shake my head, about to roll my eyes when I get a look from the doctor that makes me take a deep breath. I have to be patient with Sara, I have to. After all, that's all me. If it wasn't for that time I made her life a living hell with my words and actions, we wouldn't be here.

"Why would she lie to you? What's her purpose?"

"She loves me. Because she loves me." Sara chokes on her sobs. I'm ready to take her in and hold her but Dr. Phillips stops me. My heart is crying for her, I can't bear to see her in this state. I can never do that. I begin to cry.

"What's bad about her loving you? Don't you love her, too?"

"I do. I fucking love her so much it hurt me."

"Why does it hurt you?" I try my best to avoid Sara's eyes as the doctor suggested, but I can't. I look at the red pupils and hazel irises as they burn through me.

"I feel like I'm not enough…I feel like I…I don't know. I feel like I'm always whining and hurt and she works hard while I don't do anything…"

And we get back to point zero. We get back to the same stage and the same spot. Living with Sara is hard but I won't stop trying. I have no idea what she's going through, that's what I know. I don't know about the physical pain and I definitely can't realize nor understand the mental pain. All I can do is be patient, wait, love, and support.

The night before I go back to work, Sara asks me to touch her. I do that. I place her carefully between arms in the living room and push my hands in her shorts. She hugs my stomach while I finger her and rub her. When she comes, I make her suck my two fingers then I suck them after her.

"Let me touch you," she says.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm not feeling good. My stomach hurts."

"Cramps?" Sara asks.

"No. Just my stomach…it hurts. I ate too much, I think."

"Well, it was delicious." We ordered Chinese food today. We both ate more than we usually did.

"It was."

"I'm getting the night fever." She faces that each day, I'm thinking it's a reaction from her medicines. Her body tenses up; she sweats and becomes insanely pale each night before falling asleep. I hate this part the most because I know she's hurt. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing her and it keeps me up all night thinking of ways to stop what's happening in her body. It's such a small body and it's bearing too much at the moment.

"Let's go to bed." I put her down on the sofa and stand up. I put both arms underneath her body and pick her up bridal style.

"Oh, shit." She giggles. "I'm already broken, don't break me more."

"You're not as heavy as you think you are."

"Because you go to the gym and have a strong body."

"So I can carry you as if you're my princess."

I place her on our mattress and Cyndi, who was lying there, runs up to her and hides in her arms. "Oh, hi there, Cyndi Lauper? Your momma thinks I'm a princess."

"You are." I come from behind, cuddling with Sara and hugging her closely as she cuddles with the cat.

"I would rather be a prince…a king." Sara giggles. I touch her forehead, noticing the heat has started spreading through her body.

"Alright, you're my king." I kiss her earlobe. "Even though you're pretty feminine to be a king or a prince."

"Well…you, too." Sara pinches my arm, making me squeal. "Emy said she needs to chat. Open Skype, let's hear the rant now."

I groan. I don't want Emy's rants. Not now. I want serenity now.

"I know." Sara laughs. "She's our friend; we have to listen to her."

I extend an arm over Sara's to reach the laptop. I can barely touch the pad and scroll down because I'm too far. "Sare, babe, you're closer."

"Cyndi is sitting on my hands."

"Tell that motherfucker to move. I can't reach it."

"That motherfucker doesn't understand you, and you're lucky she doesn't."

Eventually, Sara opens Skype and we call Emy, who appears with tired eyes deprived of sleep. Before we get to talk to her, she asks us about ourselves, about our time together, about Sara's situation. The longer she speaks, the hotter Sara's body gets. I can feel the sweat increasing. I can feel her shivering under the covers and inside my grip.

"Oh that's normal. It happens each day," Sara tells our friend.

"But you can walk and move now, right?"

"Oh, yes. Very easily. You know, cortisone always does it for me. I hope I lose the weight I gained again. It just makes me so bloated. Today Tegan and I took a walk downtown. It was nice."

"Yeah, we bought a couple of stuff, we got clothes," I add.

"And new bras. I needed new bras because my breasts are bigger now."

"I got her a Spongebob bra. Double Ds."

"Which is very big...I'm not there yet," Sara says. "And so fucking weird, but I accepted the gift, even though I won't ever wear it," she adds. We try to cheer up Emy, whose mood is clearly not its best. Maybe she wanted to listen to us speak more than herself speak. Sometimes one needs that.

"Gosh, I miss you guys. Still the same as you've been."

"No. I'm more professional now," I say. "I bought ties. I'm gonna start wearing ties."

"She says that each weakened," Sara mumbles lazily.

"I try, okay?" I kiss Sara's temple and she snuggles closely to me.

"You seem sleepy," Emy comments.

"She is," I say. "How are you, though? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine…I just needed to talk, a change of atmosphere."

"Is everything alright?" Sara asks. She yawns. I know she will fall asleep anytime now.

"Everything's good. Don't worry. I'm just upset over Amber."

"What's up?" I ask. "What did she do?"

"Oh, nothing. She's feeling down because she's not pregnant."

"Oh," I say.

"I told her we'll try again next month but I guess…" Emy chuckles. "I don't know, I don't know how she feels. I guess she expected it would happen immediately."

"First times don't always work," I say. "You ended up on the couch, huh?" Emy nods with a nice, genuine smile.

"She's asleep," Emy whispers.

"Who?" I look down at my girlfriend. Her eyes are closed, breaths calm and even. I kiss her temple again. "Yeah, she's tired."

"How is she?" Emy's tone has gotten much lower now.

"Good." I shake my head, shaking the tears that are eager to rush down my lids. "I don't know. Sometimes she's happy. Sometimes she's anxious. I don't know. I feel like…like I'm losing her."

"That's Sara," Emy remarks. "That's how she's always been. She's distant. It's normal, Tegan. That's just her."

I expected it to be bad getting back to work and leaving Sara at home, especially that she has quit her job at the bar just recently. She hated it; she couldn't do it any longer. But I get home each day and find a happy Sara. Maybe the vacation was good after all; maybe it restored what we've had before.

"I've been reading so much," Sara says. "I took the bike today and went to the library. I looked up some universities here, I talked to mum, I think I want to do my MA in Clinical Psychology.

"Sara," I drop my spoon as I gape at her, "that's fucking amazing. Seriously?"

"Yes…I talked to Sonia about it. She made it seem so awesome. She said if I do it, she'll get me all these books and stuff and will help me. I think I want to. I know I love music but I do find myself in Psychology…despite my past negligence."

"That's actually perfect because I was going to suggest something like that soon. I was waiting for the right time."

I know it's expensive and I hate the fact she wants to let her parents pay for it, but I cannot afford it at all, especially that she can't get a scholarship because her bachelor's grades are not the best to get her some good scholarships in this particular field. She wants to take most of her classes online and the rest in a university nearby.

"Tomorrow I'll go do some more research. I might not cook; will you bring takeouts on your way home?"

When she's excited and happy, I can't tell her 'no.' I'm busy tomorrow, but I can't say 'no' to her when she's in this state of jubilation. I wait for such moments, I hunt them, so I can't stop them when they come.

We have sex at night. Very quick, but intimate and playful at the same time. When Sara's happy, the stars are happy, the sky is happy, the moon is happy, every creature is happy—I can feel it in the air.

"Takeouts okay? I'll keep reminding you because you forget. Nothing with spices, I'm having a nervous stomach lately," she says before I leave in the morning.

"Alright," I say laughing while putting my jacket on. "Calm down. Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself with all those nerves." I kiss her sweet cherry lips before leaving for work.

The day starts with the most boring meeting I've ever witnessed with an insurance company my dad worked with. Since my dad already worked with these people, I have to follow the legacy and work with them even though I'm not too keen about it.

Thank God for Joe who listens and takes notes while I pretend to pay attention. I text Sara each five minutes telling her how bored I am but she doesn't respond. She is probably living in her bubble right now looking at books and brochures.

I leave the meeting eventually and tell Joe to wrap it up. I go to the bathroom then wander around the offices to see how everyone's work is going. While I wasn't around, Joe took care of these things. I tried to get in contact with him whenever Sara was in the bathroom or asleep, but I never did open my work's phone while around her.

"I told them to email me a quotation and put you in the CC. That woman doesn't shut up," Joe says as soon as he enters my office.

"I got a headache. Both of them won't shut up."

"Want me to find you other companies? You know, let us take quotations and see."

"I would love to but Mr. Quin insists we go with them."

"Well," Joe says with a surrendered sigh, "he knows better."

"Hey, Joe, any good pizza place nearby other than the boring three down the street? My girlfriend isn't cooking today and I don't know what to get for dinner."

"Well you can try…" My phone starts buzzing, interrupting him.

"Oh, that's Sara. Shut up, Joe." I pick up immediately. "Hi, babe."

"Hello?" A strange voice of a man greets me. Rob?

"Who is it?" I ask. "Rob?"

"Tegan? That's you, Miss?"

"Yes?"

"There has been an accident."

"What?" I stand up, my heartbeats accelerate.

"A woman was run over by a car. She was on her bike. I called 911 and they're on their way. I tried to get a number from her; she kept mumbling your name."

"Oh my god, oh my god," No…no…no…oh my god. Oh my god.

I go mad. I scream like a maniac and cry hysterically. "Is she okay? Is she okay? Oh my god? Where is she?" I try to put my jacket on but I'm shaking. Joe's face is red, trying to calm me down, to get what's happening. A couple of employees get inside to watch the scene that I can't stop, the unprofessional act I show.

"She's passed out…she…" I hear sirens and noises. I'm about to faint so I hold Joe's shoulder for support. "We're taking her to the hospital, ma'am. Greenfield's Hospital."

"Joe take me there, take me to her...take me to Sara, take me to Sara," I cry loudly, tugging at his jacket.


	25. Chapter 25

**Sara**

**February 2009**

The frantic sound of something buzzing, ringing, knocking—just constantly beating and drumming in my ears—disturb the quality of peacefulness that lingers in my chest. A dream takes me and shakes me into another and I sleep the longest I ever had. I only know that because I can't wake up when I want to. I hear voices but I can't say I'm present with them.

_I'm here, _I want to declare my presence. I can't open my mouth and I'm not sure about the images I see.

It's a film that keeps repeating itself. I'm talking to Rob on the phone one second, we're laughing and joking. The conversation winds down to a serious turning point that requires me to sit down.

"I found two pictures of me. One says Tegan in the back and it was in her drawer. I am sure I had only one that said the date and time my biological family left me at my grandparents' doorstep. I'm sure of it. I'm going mad, Rob."

"Two pictures?"

"My baby picture. You know which one. The one that came with me."

"Your mother could have made copies and given one to her, Sara."

"I know."

The sound of the machine wheezes like an old kettle on a stove.

"Best thing is to talk to her mother about it like I told you; otherwise you're going to hurt your brain for the rest of your life."

"Or until I ruin this relationship and it had just gotten better, I don't want to ruin it."

They're turbulent, loud, berserk…oh; berserk are such sounds that interlace with the beeping of the machine.

"A picture means nothing. Ask her about it when she comes back."

"I should, but I'm scared."

"Stop being scared. You need to put a stop to this delusion. I'm your friend I'm trying to help you."

But my day wasn't ruined just because Rob said a few words that hurt me. I still managed to get dressed to go to the library and then to the university. It was a happy day. I found it. I found where I wanted to go and the programs I wanted to take. I wanted to celebrate, to get the booze, to get something sweet to eat after dinner. I took my bike down the city and it was raining.

I was excited about the little round cherry chocolates I bought. The cashier said they had wine in them. I tasted just one as soon as I paid. It tasted like heaven I should say. The balls were small and smooth and the taste of the cherry was strong but not strong enough to take the sweetness of the chocolate away. I also got a box of lazy cakes from the pastry down our street. I wanted to eat one but I wanted to wait for Tegan. I was excited. I was about to reach our place.

Somebody chokes me. They poke me. No, stop. Stop.

There it is again. It does hurt.

They're taking something out of me. It hurts.

I want to cry.

Why can't I cry?

They choke me again and memories start to fade.

I wish I'd scream.

I want to wake up from this dream. Is Tegan sleeping beside me? Why can't I wake up?

I didn't see the car. I couldn't see it. My bike slipped. I fell. And I couldn't get up before the car hit me. But I'm alright because it's just a dream and I can still see what's around me. But that pain. God, where is it coming from?

I hope Tegan wakes me.

The pain thickens. It holds me tight. There's a fire in my chest. There comes the choking once again. It's getting bad and I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't think.

Oh, it's too bad.

I can't breathe.

...

They burn my chest. Who are they?

...

It hurts. I sleep and wake up with fire in my heart.

...

The noises are loud. Too loud. Make them stop. Make them stop. The beeping of the machine is suddenly angry again after quitting its continuous sound.

I want to sleep once again.

Why are they screaming and yelling and wailing? Where are they? I can't hear them. I can't see them. Who are they?

When am I going to wake up from this dream?

A playground. I'm in a playground. What is this? Another dream?

I can see me. Little. Jeans overall and a red shirt under. Braids on each side. I'm crying.

Oh, no…it's the past. I've seen this. Why is it the past? I've been there. Four. I was four and I was in a playground when we were in the country club.

I'm not lost. I know this. I've seen this. I remember this.

Images begin to move with me. Myself and the little girl merge as I move with her. Was it all a dream? Was it a daydream of me? The kids are mean. They knocked me down on the dirt and laughed at me.

I cry as my face hits the mud. I cry hoping that mum and dad would show up. Going there was wrong. I know they will show up, I've seen this before.

I get up, looking at my bleeding palms.

"Fall, fall, fall." Two boys hit my back with their feet and I fall once again, face down.

"What is wrong with you? Boys, why are you doing this?" I hear an old voice as I close my eyes. I know what he's going to do. He's going to take me to mum and dad. They're dining in the cafeteria. Yes, please take me to them. End this dream.

What if I am stuck in the past?

"Oh, sweetie." A beautiful girl picks me up. "Oh, these boys are mean. I'm so sorry." I cry more when attention is suddenly on me by a girl and a boy next to her. I know from the past they are a brother and a sister. They told mum and dad when they took me to them.

Why can't I open my mouth and tell them I know them?

Am I watching from afar? No, because here I am crying and trying to find my parents with them.

I weep more when I spot my parents having dinner in the cafeteria. Mother gasps and father gets up to take me from the nice girl. I lay my head on his shoulder and hold on to him crying.

"She was getting bullied in the playground. She was asking for you," the boy says.

"Oh, my God," mum says. She looks so young, so beautiful. No wrinkles under her eyes, no exhaustion in her face. I never noticed how her looks have changed. "Baby, come here." Mum picks me up and puts me on her lap. I cry hysterically and bury my face in her neck as she rubs my back and kisses my head. "Shhh. Oh, honey. Oh, let me see your hands. Do they hurt?" I nod and hug her tightly. "I'll kiss them till they're better. Sander we need band aids, her palms are all scratched and bleeding."

"I'm glad we found you. Please don't leave her alone out there," the girl says.

My dad talks more to them and my mum helps me drink some water. Sleepiness and exhaustion take over my small body as I begin to lose consciousness in my mother's lap.

Just when I think I'd wake up, I find myself in my room in my parents' house in Toronto. Again crying. This time on my bed. This time I'm older; nine years old.

Oh, oh, I remember this. It's when I got a bad mark in math. It's when mum scolded me and I felt unintelligent.

Mother comes in after our small fight.

"Go away," I tell her.

"Let me talk to you. I didn't mean to yell."

"Yes, you did. You think I'm stupid and you're right I'm stupid. I never get good marks. Never."

"Sara, you're not stupid. You just need some private tutoring, I guess."

"I'm not like you and Auntie Mary or Tina or dad or even grandma and grandpa. I'm stupid and ugly. I don't have nice blue eyes and nice blond hair. I look different. I always look different and they whisper about me. I see them, they always whisper."

"Don't say that about yourself."

"It's true."

"Who whispers?" Mum asks. I can only notice her anxiousness just now. The nerves. The fear. The anger.

"Grandma and Auntie Mary. They look at me and whisper."

"No, Sara. Don't be delusional. Even if they whispered, I'm sure they're not talking about you. I'm sure they're saying something nice." Mum pauses then says, "You're beautiful. You have the most beautiful hazel eyes. You have a beautiful brown hair. You don't have to look like us to be beautiful. And different is good. Different is special."

A whirlwind of images moves me quickly in a different setting and a different time.

The dining room. Mum and dad and me. I'm twelve here.

Oh, it's this part. I despise this part. I hate it. I don't want to look at it. Who's in control of these images? I don't want to see this part.

"What do you mean I'm adopted?"

"Sa…" mum attempts to speak.

"You're just saying it like that? I was never yours? You…you found me on your doorstep. I'm not even adopted, I'm…I was deserted. I wasn't needed and you took me. Someone left me and they…" My sobs are loud and outrageous.

"Listen to us, Sara," dad says sternly. "Nobody deserted you. You are our miracle."

"No. No. I'm not even your daughter. You're not my parents and you hid this all along."

The beeping sound becomes frequent and loud once again, making the image slowly disappear. I can hear the cries as well. I wonder where they're coming from.

Another image. When will they stop?

Oh, it's the time I fell. I'm in the shower. I'm sixteen. I'm washing my body. I don't remember my hair being this long.

Are they going to stop till I get older?

The loofah falls on the floor. No…don't pick it up. Don't bend down.

I screech loudly as I slip and fall, hitting my lower back with the edge of the tub.

The sharpest pain hits my back and I begin to scream. I can't get up. Why does it seem so real? Why can't I get up?

The beeping gets louder…louder…angrier…it won't stop.

"Sara, are you okay?" Mum shouts, knocking on the door.

"Sara, can we come in?" I answer Jane with a long moan. I can't speak. I can only feel my head thumping and my back being torn apart.

"Oh Goooood. Oh, God. It hurts," I cry loudly when Jane and mum come in.

"Fuck, fuck…what happened?" Jane asks as mum helps me sit up. I scream when she does.

"No. No. It hurts."

It's like my eyes have become an old tape that keeps switching between different scenes because it doesn't work well anymore. I see Tegan beating me and the pain surge through my body. Then I see mum once again trying to lift me up in the bathroom. But the two images are torn by another of me and Tegan shaking hands when she entered my dorm years ago. Another image appears of me and Tegan talking in our dorm room. I can't hear voices, I can only see images. I can only hear an echo of shrieks and laughter; cries and chatter.

Then I find myself in Sonia's garden. Sunlight on my skin as I sit on her swing and read one of the books she owns. Peacefulness suddenly emerges in this little abyss I'm floating in. No more pain. No more noises. Only silence and the sound of twittering birds as I read, _"To My Mother, to My Lover, to My Own Oedipal Complex"_ by Annie Goodwin.

_"It never crossed my attention that the women I loved where a dreadful replica of my mother; the bad copy that I longed for in my home. _

_I have loathed the mere idea of incest that was always stamped in the Oedipal Complex that I have never understood, simply due to the fault in such a theory that excluded homosexuals. _

_If you thought I was going to point out that the theory is absolutely wrong, you must have read my previous works._

_True, I have written about my disagreement. I have tried to prove it wrong for years and in many ways in my previous works. However, when the box of memories (what I refer to the half torn cartoon in my closet) fell down on the floor one Friday morning as I was in a rush to go to a meeting, I was suddenly attacked by an army of the women I dated: all of them had the same brown hair as my mother; shoulder length, same long nose, sharp but tiny eyes, and they all smiled like the devil—the smile of my mother._

_While I was being asked crudely about my sexuality and faking a smile in front of a camera, I was thinking of these women and how they all looked the same. Of course I couldn't see the resemblance they had with mother just then. _

_But that night I had to visit my old lady. She complained, for sure…that's what she was famous for, I couldn't help but stare closely like a hawk on a tree. I stared at her two eyes shifting and moving stealthily like Cameron, at her nose twitching like Zora, at the thin lips that never displayed a smile like Daisy, at the hair that looked just like Helena's. _

_I loved girls who looked like me because I loved girls who looked like my mother; because I was so dependent on my mother; because I couldn't leave the bosom that fed me; because I couldn't leave the house that sheltered me. _

_I tried to understand this theory as I studied different lesbian couples who dated women that looked like their mothers. A woman told me she realized she dated people that resembled her mum because her mum was mean to her, the other told me the reason was that her mum had left her when she was young and she only had a picture. In a way, she was seeking a mother through these girls, she said._

_So I asked myself whether Freud can be right about a theory proved wrong. I dated the next person, making sure she looked nothing like the woman who birthed me so I could at least smile at her without being disturbed with myself. _

_Three months later, I looked at her with a new look that I have hinted she would look nice if she tried: brown hair, shoulder length. _

_She was my mother._

_So the Oedipal Complex is more complicated for a lesbian, that's what I concluded. In this book I will discuss my theory in the details I have gathered as I studied different lesbian and bisexual couples (or any two girls dating regarding the sexuality) in order to understand my own complex."_

I can't recognize what I'm reading anymore. I can only see me sitting there, enjoying the purifying sun.

The image fades slowly. The sun dims as it flees the sky. Darkness surrounds me and the beeping is back. I don't know what this scenery is. I can faintly see a view I can't recognize. I'm not sure where I am.

I blink. It's hard to breathe.

The beeping continues.

Oh, it's that machine beside my bed.

Why is there a mask on my face?

I must have gone back to the hospital after my back surgery.

I don't remember this scene, though. The hospital looked nothing like that.

The pain makes itself recognizable slowly. Yes, it's after the surgery.

My right arm is in a cast. There's a bandage wrapped around my left thigh...I can feel it.

The pain in my back and hip numb me. I moan slowly and cry silently. I open my mouth…I can talk. I'm in control of my actions. I voice a small plea for anyone. I can't see anyone.

"T…Tegan…Tee…" My voice can barely be heard.

"Sara," a shaken voice calls. It's not Tegan's.

"Sara, you're awake. Oh my God, my baby."

Oh, it's mum. It's after the surgery. I don't want to recall these memories.

"Tegan, Tegan…she's awake."

The pain slowly takes over my nerves. I can feel nothing but my back hurting.

"She's…what?" The light is switched on and it stings. I close my eyes. There's a knocking in my head. "Oh, my God. Sara, Sare…you're awake. Oh, my God. Oh, my God."

I stare at Tegan and my mother both crying. That haircut…no, it's not after the surgery.

Where am I? Why am I in such pain?

People dressed in white surround me, attacking with their quick hands, toying with my damaged body, asking me questions I cannot answer, making me feel scared, wanting someone to take me out of this endless dream. I weep because of the ache and the lack of knowledge.

"Did she lose all her memory?" mum asks, I only watch. Tegan is rubbing my hand.

"Only the events right before the incident. Seems that the last thing she recalls is feeding the cat in the morning."

I look at Tegan, pleading for some words to make me understand what's happening. Tegan is crying.

"She might remember, she might not," the doctor says.

"Will she ever…speak normally again?" What's wrong with the way I speak? "She's been already treated. It was…a psychological problem."

The doctor turns back to look at Tegan and says, "If it's psychological, it must be connected to a previous trauma. The accident might have brought that back."

"Will she ever walk again?" mother asks.

I can't walk?

"You can try physical therapy…but…"

"But?"

"She will always have issues in her back. When we did the surgery we found the inflammation already developed, since before the accident."

"Ye…yes, she's been having issues lately…she always had," Tegan says.

"I thought she healed," mum says.

"Wh…where…where am…I?"

"You're back to zero." Tegan breaks down, burying her face in her hands, sobbing loudly.

"T…Te…Tegan…Tegan…" Words are hard to pronounce. Oh, I'm back to zero. But how?

"Tegan, don't beat yourself up," mum says. "Honey, don't do that. We have to be strong."

"Where…where…uh…"

"You're in the hospital, my darling." Mum sits by my bed.

"We'll leave you to talk to her. We'll come back to help you change for her and food will be served shortly." The doctor and nurses all leave. Tegan is still crying.

"Sara, there was an accident. Do you remember it?"

Accident? What accident? I was asleep and I was dreaming and I suddenly woke up here.

I shake my head.

"You were on your bike and a car hit you…we don't know how it happened. We weren't around but…" Mum starts crying. "Someone called Tegan and told her. You've been in a coma for the past three days. We were about to lose you, Sara." Tegan's cries get louder, making me want to close my ears and eyes and get back to that dark abyss I was in. "We had to…we had to give you an electric heart shock." Mum wipes her tears and smiles. "You know that you're a miracle? Always were and always will be."

I start crying. I don't understand.

"It's all my fault," Tegan mouths.

"Stop saying that," mum says. "I'm just happy she's here with us. Be happy."

"She can't walk or talk and it's all my fault. I caused this."

"She will walk. It's not your fault."

"God, it is. It is. I'm a fucking monster. You don't know why she's like that right now, why she came back to have a surgery a year ago, why we were not together, why we didn't sleep on the same bed. It's because of what I did. I hit her. I hit your daughter. I fucking jumped on her and beat her up till her back was fucked and her mental state was wrecked. Because I'm an abusive, possessive bitch. Because I'm sick…I'm sick…oh, God, I'm sick."

My mum doesn't say anything. She looks at me for answers, but even if my tongue worked properly, I wouldn't have any answers. I look down and cry in silence. Tegan corners herself far in the room and my mum sits beside me shocked and stoned.

I get changed, I get fed. When it's time I want to relieve my bladder, I get put on a wheel chair. "It's temporary, I promise you," mum whispers. Having to pee with someone else in the bathroom is not the same as having to pee with Tegan in the bathroom. Even if it's my mother. That's how my life is right now.

My mum talks to dad and Joy on the telephone and Tegan talks to her parents, all assuring the others I'm alive.

_I'm alive_. It seems quite humorous…saying that. Well, I'm alive. I don't remember dying, but they do.

Though, when I go back to sleep the pain medication doesn't do much to me and I cry once again. If I can't walk, how do I feel pain?

I ask my mum after many attempts. "You're not paralyzed…you're…it's…"

"It's psychological. Your mind and your nerves are not cooperating together…I'm sorry," Tegan says, teardrops on her face.

My sniffles, tears, moans, whimpers—all lull me gently to sleep.

The last thing I remember is my mother and Tegan sitting beside each other, my mother talking to Tegan the way she has always talked to me: in a friendly and sweet way, and Tegan softly crying, not able to forgive herself.

I wake up in the morning to the pain once again. I find my mum and Tegan drinking coffee, sitting on chairs beside my bed and watching the mute morning news.

I rub my eyes and attempt to stretch. I want their attention but I'm afraid to voice my need. I'm not sure if I'll be able to speak. Mornings are always hard, even after I was treated.

"Oh, Sara," mum notices me in the middle of my failed attempts to let them know I'm awake.

"Sara," Tegan says.

"Do you need something?" mum asks. I nod. "Bathroom?" I nod again.

"I'll help her." Tegan stands up.

"No." Mum stands up, too. "You have to be careful with her. I just need you to pick her up and put her on the chair."

"The bathroom is in the room. It's one step away. I'll pick her up and, you know, help her sit on the toilet."

I groan in protest.

"It's okay, Sara. It's going to have to be this way for awhile. But you're leaving soon. Your tests are all fine. We're going to be in contact with a physical therapist and a pronunciation coach, or something like that. We'll have, umm, daily sessions. You'll get back to being normal in no time, I know that."

Later in the day I get calls from Rob, Emy and Amber, and Joy. Mum tells me that my dad's health has been terrible lately. I'm able to ask a few questions and my appetite is better, but I still don't remember anything but waking up happy, saying goodbye to Tegan, feeding the cat and going back to sleep, then waking up here. The next day is almost similar. I wake up to find only mother by my side.

"Tegan's at work," mum says. "She had to. I told her to go."

"Y…yeah."

"You need to wash your face or shower, but I'm waiting till we go home today. Tegan went back to prepare the house. I…I called Jane, Sara. She will be here for awhile till you're back on your feet." What makes her so sure that I will be back on my feet? I can barely feel my legs, yet I feel the pain in my back, I feel it strongly.

"C...c…co…" I motion at her cup.

"You want coffee?"

I nod.

"I'll tell them to get you coffee." She smiles. "Are you hungry?"

I nod quickly. "V...ver…very much."

"Oh, I'll get you food." She kisses my forehead and disappears.

At night Tegan drives us back home. I sit in the back seat and mum sits beside me. Sitting is harder. When I reach my bed I cry silently because of the pain. Cyndi sleeps in my arms, hearing my moans all night long.

Mum and Tegan sit by my bed waiting for the tears to exhaust me, but I am in a state of pain that won't leave me to resign. Tegan ends up crying and mum rubs the entire length of my injured hip.

"It's okay," mum mouths for as long as she can. "It's okay, sweetie."

"I can't take seeing her like this." Tegan storms out of the room.

"God." Mum sighs.

"Sh…she thinks it's…it's her fault. She…she warned me…she warned me not to…to…to get a bike because…th…they drive crazily here, but I…I didn't listen."

"It's something that wanted to happen. It was gonna happen either way." Mum is strong. She's strong and very optimistic that I will be able to recover.

At this moment I don't care anymore. I don't care because I lost hope. It's like running in circles. Or maybe that's how life is. It should be hard for everyone, but it seems that it's only hard for me. Now I can't even apply to Graduate School for the next semester. I don't care about my life anymore because I am humiliated in every possible way and I think this is my lowest, it can't get lower than this, it can't get lower than having to pee with your parent standing in the bathroom, it can't get lower than your mum or girlfriend wiping your ass or giving you a bath when you are almost thirty but you need to be taken care of as if you're a toddler in diapers. It can't get lower than wanting to say so much but you can't get the words out no matter how much you try, and you can see them getting frustrated as you try to complete your sentence, so you just give up on it because what's the point? What's the point of me living if my life is like this?

When I say this to my mother the next morning over breakfast, she starts crying. She shakes her head violently and cups her mouth. "Don't say that ever again, don't." Her octave is low and outraged. "Do you know how much these words hurt me, Sara? You don't because you're not a mother. You don't understand what they do to me."

She puts her wrinkly hand over my wounded thigh and glares at me with wide blue eyes. I hold my tears inside, looking at her in silence. "Do you know what your purpose is? I'll tell you what it is. It might sound selfish to you because maybe it does not give you something that you can touch but I think it should give you something felt, and you should be happy about it."

"But come here first," she says, inching closer to me. "Lie down and put your head on my chest, listen to my heartbeat. You loved that when you were a baby. Of course you don't remember it. It always calmed you down and made you stop crying." She lies down beside me. Carefully, she moves my head on her chest. I adjust my body with difficulty to avoid any pain. "I know you don't really like that, but guess what? Just because you're twenty-eight it doesn't mean you're too old to cuddle with your mother. You'll always be little Sara in my eyes." I nod in response, feeling the calming beat of her heart and her soft breaths.

"Maybe you should know why we call you a miracle, Sara."

"B…because…you…you co…co..couldn't…"

"It's okay," she whispers when I give up on my sentence. "Relax, just relax." She kisses my head. "I told you the story in minor details, very minor details, but I will say all of it now, because you deserve to know what I was going through."

"Y…yeah." She begins stroking my hair softly and caressing my hand with her other hand.

"That morning I found you at your grandma's door was one of the worst mornings in my life, Sara. I was arguing with my mother whether I should file for divorce or not." I look up at her. My back makes me remember that I am injured so I look down at my hands again. The little movements make me ache. "Yes. I was dealing with severe depression, clinical depression. You never saw me and your father fighting at all, but before you came we fought everyday. You know, living with someone for fifteen years without anything interesting going on in your life is just a burden. I picked a fight over the tiniest matters. We were together in high school, in college; we got married and then what? The spark died. Nothing new. He went to work, I went to work; he came back, I cooked quickly; we ate, had sex…and slept." I laugh, not because she said something funny but because that's kind of my life with Tegan and I like it like that. "Eventually it got boring…and we weren't too big on having a third…lover."

"W…wha…what…mu…" I laugh nervously.

"Sara, I know about Emy. Tegan told me two nights ago. I'm honestly shocked but…I can't judge you." I remain silent and shocked, almost frozen, my heart beating quickly. "That's not the point. The point is our relationship was completely dead. On top of that I couldn't conceive. It was fine at first. We were okay when we knew…like, there was always the option of adoption. I'm not going to lie to you and say that I didn't cry at nights when I heard my friends talk about their children and the bond and all of these feelings, but it wasn't that, you know, big of an issue…it wasn't something that made my life a living hell. What did make my life so bad was the lack of communication that was growing between us. He was bored, obviously, and so was I. Nothing new. We tried, we tried so hard. We traveled, we went to shrinks, we…changed our…you know, se…"

I clear my throat loudly for her to stop going there. She laughs.

"Okay, I won't go there. But we tried. But we both knew too well what was the missing factor in our life. We both wanted a child but no one made a big deal out of it. He didn't want to hurt my feelings and I was trying to bury the subject as much as I could because I didn't know if I adopted I would love the kid as if it is my own…or they would love me as if I am their own."

I frown hearing that.

"The first part was not true but the second was…"

"N…n…no…no."

"It is. You never felt that I am your mother after you knew. It's like you stopped loving me. You tried so hard to find your biological mother. It's your right for sure, but it always hurt me."

I wish I can take my words back; every hurtful word I used to say to Jessica when I was hurt, I wish I didn't make her feel like an option. I wish I can express what I feel without the stuttering. I was never great when it came to communication, always thought if I found who conceived me, my life would be better. Years later and I'm still twirling in the same cycle, unable to give it up until I destroyed my own relationship.

"But," mother continues, "you are my child and I'm not going to feel any less towards you just because eventually I was able to have a biological kid." She kisses my head once again. "We didn't consider Joy a miracle, Sara. We only considered you one. Your father and I were separated at that time. I went back to Toronto to my parents because I didn't know where to go. I quit my job and I left. I wanted to start over. My mother kept nagging, saying, 'Everybody adopts, just get a child.' And I would say back, 'A kid isn't gonna solve my problems with Sander. It's not gonna make our life nice." And I couldn't even get me. I loved him, he loved me then what was it?" I give her hand a squeeze and hum so she knows I'm listening. "So there I was having a God so awful dispute with my mother one second, I get angry and decide to storm out of the house and go take a walk. I open the door and I find a very small baby all wrapped up in fuzzy, yellow blankets, sucking at her tiny hand and drooling all over the place." I laugh loudly. She told me this story before; that part I know. "It was so damn cold. It was freezing. I picked your little crib and got you inside. I called mum and we both panicked. Who the hell put a baby outside our door?"

"A…b…b…bitch."

"Damn right, a bitch…if she desired to. But…a bitch that somehow knew what I wanted."

"Yo…you think sh…she knew?"

"Of course it's someone who knew. It's someone who knew I was staying at my parents', someone that knew mother and father and that I was having issues because I couldn't conceive; someone close. Mum and I analyzed it for too long. It's someone that my mother talked to. But the thing is, we didn't know anyone that was pregnant or their cousin or kid or friend was pregnant. There was nothing, no trace, no identity, not hints. Nothing, I swear, Sara. It's someone who hid it well. Too well, in fact."

"S…so it's…it's som…someone that I…I mean, we…we might know…now?"

"God, I don't know. I don't think so. But it could be. I watched people closely when they picked you and played with you and everything…I wasn't given any hints, like…there were no hints that someone wanted you or was sad. They were all happy for me."

I think my mother missed a point there. My grandma knew. I'm about ninety percent sure of that. Now she's saying it's someone who knew about her most private issues, I'm sure my grandmother had something to do with it. But she's dead now; we can't know anything because her secrets were probably buried with her.

"W…w…were you?"

"Happy?"

"Yes," I respond quickly.

"Oh, God, happy doesn't even describe it." She looks down at me. The wrinkles in her eyes increase when she smiles. "Mum and I picked you up and we were scared as hell. We started calling people. I called your dad and made him panic, she called my dad and my aunts and my sisters. Everybody came down to the house that day. Even your father took the next flight from Calgary to Toronto. Everybody came to see this little baby in the yellow blanket."

"L…like a…st…sta…tue." A statue…Fuck, I can't say it.

"Well, yes…because of the letter. The letter that came with you that begged us to take care of you. The letter that made us so scared, trying to figure out who the hell we know that was having a child and decided to give you up?"

"Did the…" Mum mouths a small 'yeah' for encouragement, as she does when I try to speak a full sentence without a stutter. "Did…the…the letter say y…your names?"

"See? You're getting better. I know you're going to speak fine in few days. God, doctors don't know shit. Tegan's right." She pats my thigh after releasing my sweaty hand.

"The letter said, as I remember, _'I know how much you need a child and I have one that I can't take care of. I know leaving this precious human at your door will make her life so much better. I know I came to the right people and I know you will take care of her and give her the love she deserves. You should know that it was not an easy decision, but it was the right one. You must know the grief we are in seems hopeless, but we don't want her to suffer with us. We kept her for two months because it was hard to let go at first. I never believed in abortion, as my faith does not support such an inhumane act, and I believe every angel deserves a good start, at least…and this angel is not different. She doesn't have a name. We call her Snowball, because she looks like one. We didn't want to name her so there would not be a conflict when she grows up and our roads meet. We don't want to take something we gave a long time ago, it wouldn't be ours; it wouldn't be fair to her nor to whoever takes her.'_ I memorized the words because I read them about ten times everyday for an entire year."

"M…mum…I…"

"Yes, Sare?"

"I th…think…"

"Say it, I'll wait for you."

"I think…" She squeezes my hand. "I think that…that the…the woman doesn't know you." I'm pretty sure she doesn't, if mum hasn't seen hints on people showing that she does.

"Yeah, I think so, too."

"I think s…someone…someone told her about you…but, g…grandma knows…knows who she told…and maybe knows her."

"Yes, I think that, too." I look back at my mother. She twists her lips to the side as she thinks. "You know what I also think?" I shake my head. "Whoever wrote the letter kept shifting between 'I' and 'we' and it doesn't even seem like she was talking about her and her partner, it's like, I don't know, something is missing. The letter of course had more, way more words…I…I'm sorry I told you we lost it. I have it, Sara. I wish I have it now with me but it's back home. I was selfish, I didn't want you to, you know, have even bigger hopes of finding them or loving someone that wrote they didn't want to know you if they crossed roads with you."

I look back at my hands again. I wipe a tear that rolls out of my eyes and take a deep breath. I shake my head. "It's…it's okay. I don't…I don't want to read it. I don't want…I don't want anything that h…has to do with…with her…or them." I am surprised that I am actually able to let sentences out. It's like Tegan has said; I wake up all rusty and need some practice, then I am able to say a few things and at the end of the day I can speak well.

Mum shifts behind me. I try to sit up better so she can find a comfortable position. I end up groaning in pain.

"Oh, sorry," she whispers. "God, let me continue. This is something I wanted to tell you since ever but didn't want you to laugh at me or yourself."

I laugh anyway (before any story) thinking of more embarrassing tales to come. I've heard plenty already but she always has more.

"So we were all gathered at my parents' house and we forgot you're a baby that needs changing and feeding. Suddenly something smelled funny. We didn't even realize it was coming from you. I thought it was your cousin Tina . Then mum was like, there's a baby and we're wondering who stinks? Of course it's the baby." I try not to laugh at myself but I do. I can't even imagine it. "Sander went to get diapers and some milk because you were sucking your hand and crying. You were so hungry."

I close my eyes and listen to her.

"We discovered you didn't like the bottle at all. You were only breastfed apparently, which made it even harder for us to consider keeping you or not. After all, Sander and I were about to get a divorce."

I open my eyes and look back at her. She smiles apologetically.

"You cried all night and I cried, too. We didn't know how to shut you up or feed you. I picked you up and you threw your face at my breast, wanting to feed. But I had no milk and it made me really, really sad. I cried so much because, to me, my fears were alive. I was like, 'Look! This is why we can't adopt. I can't even feed her.'"

"Aww."

She laughs. "Yeah. But he was softer, your father. He was more patient. He picked you up and kept walking in the room back and forth, humming some melodies for you. I remember what he said, wait a minute, let me recall it." She closes her eyes and hums. I smile, grabbing her finger and playing with it. "Okay, he said this, 'They call you Snowball? I'll call you Sara because you're beautiful and you deserve a beautiful girl's name.' And then he kissed your forehead. Sara was what he always wanted to name his first daughter. It's what we agreed on when we were engaged."

"W…wow." I tear up a little and she laughs.

"Yes. He's soft. You know your father."

"Yeah," I mumble.

"But that was a hard night because you didn't sleep at all and we were scared you would get sick if you didn't get fed. You obviously wanted your mother. You only were quiet when I put you close to my chest. Later I found out it was my heartbeat that calmed you down not my boobs."

I snort the way Tegan does, making me laugh more at myself.

"You still wanted my boobs, though. You kept pushing your face there waiting for me to unbutton my shirt. I was like how can a two-months old baby know what's there? But I guess those little humans do. Even Joy did that sometimes."

My cat walks in with a loud meow, declaring her presence in the room and demanding full attention. She jumps on the mattress and throws herself in my lap. Mum pauses, looking at what Cyndi is trying to do.

"H…hey Cyndi," I whisper.

Cyndi meows.

"Yo…you're full, little one?"

The cat puts her paw on the cast on my arm.

"Don't press too hard, Cyndi. You're mama's hurt," my mum warns. Cyndi doesn't listen for sure. She puts the other paw, then her entire butt as she climbs on my cast. I wince in pain right before mum picks up the idiot cat and puts her away from my wounds. "What did I tell you? Sit right here." Cyndi meows. "Sit," mum says again.

"M…mum, don't…don't even try. It's no use…T…Tegan tries but Cyndi's….she's an asshole."

"Not so different from Lucifer. He's so old now; he's giving your father a hard time at home."

"Is…dad…is he okay? I m…mean today?"

"He says he's better but his lungs, you know. They're not that good," mum whispers. I don't ask more because the topic upsets her. I know she has to go back because he probably needs her around, but there is me who needs her around, too. I am actually happy Tegan has called her. I would have been more depressed without anyone.

"God, I took too long telling you this story. It's like it doesn't even have a point anymore." Mother yawns. The cat dozes off beside my bandaged thigh.

"N…no, I'm enj…en…enjoying it."

"Are you sure?"

"Mhm."

"Alright." She sighs. "You're a miracle to us, Sara, because that night we forgot all our problems. We had a mission, suddenly…a purpose. We had a purpose to be together. We were going to take care of you and be your parents. God, you were such a beautiful baby. Really, a snowball. So round and chubby and pale with red cheeks. I loved nothing more than holding you, even when you cried for long hours."

She chuckles.

"One night I couldn't take your crying. It broke my heart. I really hated that I couldn't produce milk for you and you really hated the bottle. We forced you to drink from it. But that night I was like, I should just let her suckle and see, I don't care."

"Oh?" If my biological mother only breastfed me, it means she loved me. It means she really let me go because of circumstances she couldn't handle. I once read a book where the main character complained about her mother's hatred. I remember reading that part that said, '_My mother never loved me. She didn't breastfeed me. She never hugged me. She never looked at me and saw that I needed nothing but her love.'_

"But I didn't do it. I put you inside my blouse. You know, I covered you like a blanket and you started sucking on my shoulder and whimpering till you calmed down and relaxed. When you did, I gave you the bottle and you finally took it without a tantrum. Then I discovered you liked to hear my heartbeat to relax. Do you have any idea the joy I felt? God, nobody does. Nobody could. I was on top of the world. You were my miracle…you still are. And then you say you don't have a purpose to live when your purpose in my life was turning the hell I was in into a beautiful heaven?"

I cry again, not knowing how to answer or what to say. Yes, I don't feel it but knowing that I tried my whole life to find someone that got rid of me and leave that one person who loved me more than anybody makes me feel awful. So awful. Why did I do that? She's my mother, my real mother, I don't care who gave birth to me. She's my mother not that other woman.

"Hushhh, it's okay. It's okay." She rubs the arm not broken up and down. "As soon as you entered our life your father got a promotion, a really good one. We were able to buy a nice house in Calgary. I didn't need a job to help him and I spent my time taking care of you. But you know why I always nag on you to get a job and become independent? So you wouldn't have to suffer like I did. I used to start a job and quit after a week. I just couldn't do it. I was so dependent on him to do everything and I was so happy not to work, but a woman has to. He thinks so, too. A woman has to rely on herself and know her worth."

"Y…yes." I close my eyes and sniffle. "I…I agree."

"And I am so proud of you. So proud of you even if you can't be proud. I'm proud of your strength, of living with Tegan as hard as it is to live with her, of trying and never giving up. I know you will get whatever you want someday. Trust me, I know. I'm not saying this because I'm your mother; I'm saying this because I know an ambitious soul when I see it. Life is hard now, honey, but it will get better. It always does."

I don't think I have ever experienced such an emotion or cried because of such feeling. I've been hurt, beaten up, falling, failing and flailing in aimless directions…but I never heard such deep words that cut me softly and slowly. I never thought I would have such a conversation with my mother that could make me end up sobbing in her arms like that time I fell in the club's playground.

"And I don't want to hear about Tegan hurting you this much, ever…ever. Nobody knows what this did to me when I heard her saying it. It cut me open, I tell you. It cut me open but nobody could see because I had to conceal it from you and her. But if this happens again, I might just get a stroke...or give her one."

"N…no. Don't say that."

"And one last thing, I'm your mother, please stop covering your vagina with your hand whenever I help you sit on the toilet. I changed your diapers and gave you showers and saw you naked many times and you're still shy."

"I…it's not about that…but…" My face becomes heated, and my stomach feels uncomfortable. "I don't…don't have the same…b…b...body as a six…sixteen year-old."

"I'm just your mum and you shouldn't feel shy around me," she says again.

"Sara? Jess?" I hear Tegan calling from down the hall.

"Right here," mum shouts.

"Hey," my girlfriend says when she steps inside our room. "I got you some sweet things." She holds up a large box from my favorite pastry in NYC: 'U R Sweetie'.

"Ohhh…th…thank you."

"You're early," mum states.

"Yeah…I left early. Did the important things and left. I can't…I get worried." She sits on the mattress next to mum and me. She kicks her shoes off her feet and puts them on the mattress. "Here is a wide variety of cakes and pastry for you." She opens the box and my eyes widen, my mouth waters, my stomach groans when I see the beautiful pieces of colorful cupcakes, muffins, and sweet, chocolaty goods.

"W…wow. Thank you." I grab a red velvet cupcake immediately, not hesitating to gulp all these pieces at once, even though I will probably regret it later, especially that I'm taking even heavier dozes of cortisone now.

"I'll leave you two to talk," mum says when Tegan kisses the cream off my lips.

"Here, take one, mama." Tegan offers the box to mum.

Mum laughs. "Okay, okay." She takes a muffin and bites into it, humming as she leaves, the cat following, demanding a piece of her own.

"Yay, she left." I squint at her. "The cat not your mama."

"Hmm."

"I swear. I love your mum. She's like the best mum. I call her mama because she's so fucking nice and motherly."

"D…did you drink c…coffee?"

"Yes…five."

"You're hyper."

"Yeah…Oh, my God, you just said that without a stutter." She claps her hands and kisses my cheek quickly.

"Tee," I groan, pushing her off. "H..help me…to…to go pee."

"Oh, yes. Let's get you there." She kisses my temple and stands up. She takes off her jacket then bends down, putting both arms underneath my body. I grab her shirt tightly as she picks me up to place my helpless body on the wheelchair.

We struggle as she holds me close, trying to lower down my underwear and lifting up my long shirt without hurting me so much, but I am hurt so I start to cry heavily as I sit.

"I'm so sorry," she says softly, holding my hand after kneeling in front of me.

"I…I've been h…ho…ho…holding it. I've been holding it." I take a breath. "For about t…two hours."

"Holding your pee? That's not good."

"I…I…hate this." My sobs increase and now I'm stuttering because of my cries not because of disability to produce clear and coherent sentences. "I have to…h…have to, to pee and shit and…shower in front of her and you and…th..the nurses back there. I hate this. I want p…p…p…"

"Privacy?" I nod, a hiccup leaving my lips. She wraps her arm around my neck, closing the distance between us, kissing my lips then my forehead. "It's okay. Just try to put up with it. I know how shy you are and how uncomfortable it is. But…but we both don't care and don't judge. She's your mum, come on. My mum sees me naked like all the time. I don't give a fuck. And, hey, I'm your gal." She winks, making me giggle. "You should _NOT_ be shy around me…after the shit we used to do." The keyword is 'used to,' which means not anymore. We have just gotten back to our normal sexual relationship just recently, and then this happens. It's like fate does not want us to touch or something, it does not want us to live together like a normal couple; there is always someone or something setting an impediment that separates us or kills our intimacy.

I shake my head, crying more, feeling that my body is slowly being staked; feeling the destruction of every tiny nerve and muscle gradually spreading. I bite on my lips and shake. She tries to calm me but she can't. She calls my mother when my cries turn into shrieks.

"She's very hurt. I can't see her like that. I'm sorry, Sara. I can't, I can't," she yells, running out of the bathroom, leaving nothing behind but the strident sounds of her wailing lungs.

Mum sits in front of me the way my girl was sitting. She removes my fringe far from my eyes and looks at my tear-stained face. "What's wrong? Did she say something? Do something?"

"N…no," I say right away. "I'm…I'm hurt. My body…so bad…" I moan and cry.

"I'll have to give you a higher doze. You're not gonna sleep the night if you're in that much pain," she says, almost to herself. "Are you finished?"

"No…no."

I let my bladder give in and begin to piss in front of her. She sighs, waiting for me to finish. I've been waiting for Tegan to do this ugly part of wiping my vagina or ass all day and she ends up running away.

"I can…I can d…do it." I take the toilet paper roll from her hand but she takes it back quickly.

"You can't even move your right hand."

I take it again. She's not going to do that.

"I…c…can. I have another." I tear a good amount and fold it, putting it between my legs.

"I'm just trying to help you. I don't want you to hurt yourself." I throw the dirty toilet paper in the trash can beside the toilet and wait for her to lift me up. She places my good arm behind her neck and quickly lifts me up, holding me close to her chest as she tries to reach my underwear. "You need a shower," she whispers, "you're starting to smell." I almost end up falling on top of her and crashing her when she lets go of me to get to my underwear, which Tegan has lowered too much and mum can't reach it. "You know what, fuck it. No underwear." My shirt falls down to my knees when she helps me sit on the wheelchair.

"I'm so sorry," Tegan whispers. I can hear her voice but I can't turn around to know that she's standing at the door. "I didn't mean to run. I was scared…I got scared." I don't answer. I kick down my underwear and mum picks it up, throwing it in the hamper. "I'll give you a shower."

"No," I say loudly.

"Why?"

"You know what, Tegan," mum says, looking up at her while washing her hands and mine, "just make yourself useful sweetie and get her some panties, help her slip it on when I get her back to bed."

"Okay…uh…I'll help her."

"Yeah…I'll just go…go get her some pain meds…it's gonna be a long day."

Was I always a burden or did I just become my mum's and Tegan's worst nightmare?


	26. Chapter 26

Content Warning: The mention of: Suicide / Pedophilia / Sexual harassment / Violence / Mental illnesses.

* * *

**Tegan**

Have you seen one of those documentaries of a beating heart? Not an animated one. A real beating heart inside the human body. Have you heard the voice of the man speaking of the beating heart and what would happen if it stopped pumping blood? No, you probably didn't notice that because you were so fascinated with the muscles relaxing and contracting then relaxing again and contracting a second time. Bub…bub…bub.

That's the normal heart of a human being. They have not showed us what squeezing this tiny bag would do, because the heart would stop beating. How thin is this muscle? How strong? I never asked. Did you? Unless you are a heart surgeon or a medical student, I bet you didn't even wonder about the human heart and its functions. It pumps blood through the whole body and flutters just the slightest when we are heartbroken. I know it seems like a pinch, a hurtful pinch in that part, but actually it's barely a flutter.

Grab a rubber ball. I don't know. Grab something that you can squeeze, Sally. Grab anything you can hold in your hand. Squeeze it real slow. No, squeeze it again. Squeeze it the slowest you can—patiently. Now let it go. Let it go quickly. Look at it. Look at it closely. Do you see it? Do you feel it? Is it the same in shape? What about your fingerprints? They're there, I bet. Now try to erase your prints and the traces you left. You can't. Even if it looks the same, look on the other side, it's not. Even if it looks perfect, on the inside, the things in this ball, whatever they are, they're not the same.

But what if you squeezed and the ball burst in your hands? Squeeze a balloon and it will burst. That's the heart, my darling. That's the human heart except it is more—way more—sensitive than a ball or a balloon or whatever the fuck you have in your hand. That's my heart and Sara's heart and your heart. It's weak, it's soft, and it's tender. Scratch it once and it will never be the same. Squeeze it once and it will never be the same. The heart carries memories and desires. The heart carries happiness and pains. The heart is the central piece of love, of hate, of regret, of need.

And that heart…God, that heart. That heart was dead, it had burst and they were trying to fix it with electric shocks in front of my eyes and Jessica's eyes. I died a thousand deaths whenever she jumped with a failed attempt. Until the machine started beating again, I had almost lost it.

I feel like I'm about to lose it each day when I get back from work to see her lying there with tears in her eyes, her mother trying to make her stretch her injured leg while hushing her cries. For three weeks we spend it in this tormenting routine. Sara doesn't sleep at night because she's in pain, and I have to share the bed with her mother who spends the night trying to make Sara calm down. Sometimes I sleep outside; sometimes her mother leaves the room after she makes sure her daughter has fallen asleep. Sara has physical therapy twice a week. Her sessions are at noon, when I am at work. Jessica recounts what happens at dinner after each session.

Sometimes I come home and find Sara sitting in her wheelchair in the living room, all dressed and smelling nice. I kiss her forehead and ask where she's been. She tells me about her day slowly, starting with waking up till the end of the day. Sometimes she mentions minor details like how her mother combed her hair and put on her socks, and sometimes she would just say that they went to some park or to the mall, without giving information. It all depends on her mood and her exhaustion. Her speaking has gotten better but not perfect. We have arranged to have therapy sessions at home for her and I together and with her mother around, too. Our therapist said she wanted Sara to be in a comfortable place where she didn't have to get dressed and sit in a wheelchair and feel as if she was restricted. Our therapist has been making Sara read some short articles or paragraphs in therapy lately. She said that when we have our home session, she was going to make us both talk as long as we wanted. She wanted us to talk to each other comfortably again. It's been hard lately to get a good communication. We are affectionate with each other; we kiss, we hug, she even pushes her head in my neck and puts her hands in mine when I am around her—but communication is what we want. We want to be able to joke and tease one another and laugh like old times. Like the very, very old times when we met each other. That's what she said to our therapist yesterday, which made Dr. Philips decide that we should have a long session at home where we just talked without any fear of judgment or any restrictions or discomfort.

"And do you think you and her will be able to get back to your old selves?" Jessica asks me over breakfast on a Sunday morning. "I mean, do you think everything will go back to the way it was a few years ago?"

Her gaze is challenging. Her eyes are telling me that, no, we are never going to get our old days back, only because that's true. She wants me to admit it. Her blue irises move from left to right without blinking. How tired, how ugly, and how lifeless her eyes look. I feel guilty admitting that in my own head. Jessica has lost every pinch of beauty in her face. Only wrinkles are left, only old age. It scares me to think that's how I'll end up. Just four years ago Jessica was gorgeous even though she was old, but in such a short time she looks like a very old woman. She is sixty-eight years old now, which is very old compared to my mother, who's only forty-two and looks like she's in her mid thirties. Talking to her even feels stranger because she's only few years younger than my grandma, if she was still alive.

"Don't stay looking at me. Answer me." I blink as I remember I've been creepily judging her looks.

I shrug, not knowing what to say. "I am not sure."

"It won't because both of you have changed. My daughter actually has an ambition now. Who knew? She never wanted to go to college, now she wants to have an MA degree. I guess I have something to thank you for."

"Thank me?"

"Yes." She takes a sip of her tea then takes a bite of her omelet, prolonging the answer on purpose. She looks at me, not sure if judging my looks and my disheveled hair the way I was judging hers. "You made her feel very insecure that she wanted to challenge herself. You made her think she's not enough."

Sara's mother has been speaking not only daggers but bullets and knives to me whenever we are alone. In front of Sara she treats me well, but when we're alone she uses her tongue to stab me where it hurts the most. She has chosen just the right way. She's punishing me through making me feel the same way I have made Sara feel, except I didn't know I was making her feel this way.

I don't answer her. I get up and walk towards the sink to wash my plate. I look back at her, still examining me with her eyes. I can make fun of her in my head all I want but she is making fun of me with her eyes and I can see it. Yes, she doesn't look pretty, her blond hair seems dry and needs a good cut, her body has put on so much weight, her breasts are saggy and it's not attractive to see her in a tank top because those same wrinkles on her face are on her chest as well, in her cleavage and on her thighs. Pink shorts look funny on her, too. Nothing is pretty about her anymore, but that's how she makes me feel about myself now. I look down at my pajamas while washing my cup. I wonder what she sees. All this youth and these muscles and all this softness is nothing in her eyes. She sees me as a monster; a mean, old monster—someone who has hurt her daughter despite my young age and immature mind, and despite my mental illness, the uncontrollable thoughts in my head.

And what if she doesn't see me like that? What if I am paranoid because I am ill? Did I take my pills?

I walk to the fridge to grab a water bottle. I turn around. She's still looking at me.

"You took them," she says. "You just took them half an hour ago."

And what if she's telling me I took them but I haven't? What if she wants me to get worse?

"Don't overdose, honey." And why is she calling me 'honey?' She's supposed to hate me. She makes me feel disgusting. She's not supposed to call me _honey_.

I leave the pills and go up to the bedroom. Sara's awake.

"Hiii," I greet softly. She smiles at me while I climb our bed to squeeze myself next to her and Cyndi. "Sleepy head." I slobber her rosy cheeks with kisses, making her giggle loudly.

"Te…Tegan," she squeals, pushing my face away from her neck. I continue to descend down till I reach her upper chest, making her paleness lean towards a pinkish hue the more my tongue touches each spot.

She strokes my locks, twirling her digits in the little curls at the back of my head. In a moment I forget about her mother and my paranoia. I've almost lost the only thing I have, the only person I've ever loved and will ever love. I have almost lost all my life and I should be more than happy and more thankful she's still lying in my bed. I should forget about my thoughts and stop letting them leading me to the destruction I was trying so hard to pull myself out of before the accident.

Maybe Sara and I won't go back to our old selves, to the joking days, the whispering beneath the blankets and mutual masturbation days, or those days she was repulsed by everything I did and I made fun of everything she did—but that's only because we both have matured and we both have changed. I did influence her maturity and the change of her behavior towards life, but she also influenced mine. I won't forgive myself ever for what I've done, I don't think I can, but I have to live with it somehow and I have to make it up to her till our dying day. I am not eighteen anymore and she's not twenty-four. It's normal for people's perspectives to change drastically in such a short time. It's very normal.

"Yo…you know what I'm…c…craving?" she asks. "A ch…cheesecake."

"A cheesecake!"

"Yeah." With gums and teeth, she smiles big. "To…to…to put in my…" She pats her stomach. "My fat tummy."

Cortisone injections equal bloating and major weight gain, which means a more depressed Sara; a Sara who can't stop making fun of herself and her looks. I frown at her. "Cute tummy." I lean down to kiss her stomach.

"Yo…you should be…p...pregnant and…and so we can be equal." I have joked about it two days ago in the shower when she refused to look at herself in the mirror. I told her I'll get pregnant and we'll be equal. I'm glad she welcomed the joke.

"Mmm, yeah. So we can get mini Tegans jumping around. I mean we'll get one girl and then I'll get pregnant again and we'll get a boy and a third time it will be you because I'll be so tired and you'll get another girl and then that girl will want a brother and you'll get her one, too." Sara guffaws loudly while I imagine a house of hyper kids and crazy parents. "We'll have a full house, lots of babies and diapers to change."

"One day," she whispers.

"Yes, one day." I kiss her lips and this time she keeps me close to her by pushing her tongue inside my mouth. I like to think that I am the breakfast she likes to devour but I know, with all these years together, she'd prefer a cheesecake over my lips right now.

Her mother clears her throat, interrupting our make-out session. Sara moans as soon as I pull away. She covers her mouth when she sees her mother standing nearby. Her face starts to burn with millions of shades. I pick up the meowing cat and put it on my lap.

"She's already broken, please be careful not to break her even more." I'm not sure whether she's joking or threatening. I am pretty sure; however, that she's stating I'm the reason she's broken.

"I'm…I'm careful." I get up and let her sit in my place. "I'm going to get you a cheesecake, babe."

"I'm joking, sweetie. I was just messing with you," Jessica says. "I actually like it when you guys are intimate."

"Eww," Sara interjects loudly. "M…mum don't…don't be gross."

Sara, with the heart of a child, makes me laugh sometimes with her reactions. She's still that shy woman I first met years ago despite all the emotional and spiritual growth.

I grab my skinny jeans and washed-out, blue shirt, heading towards the bathroom in order to change. I hear the light tune of her mother's whispers as she speaks with her.

My droopy eyes are screaming for some rest, but where will I get that with our state? I've been sleep deprived since I started working, and now with Sara's condition I have forgotten about those joyful hours of pure tranquility known as sleep.

I fix my looks with water and face-wash then I moisturize my skin and comb my curls. I put on my clothes and leave the house to get Sara her morning craving.

In the café I spot my finance team having breakfast. I eye them while they eye me with stealthy glances. I grab three raspberry cheesecakes, two latte's for Jessica and I, and one black coffee for Sara.

Careless youth, which are older than I am, enjoy morning hangouts in cafés and late night good time in bars and clubs, while I have to take care of a company, of an injured girlfriend, and of an entire life. It's not really strange to me to take care of things, because since I was seven, I had to take care of my adult mother; who has spent her youth in getting wasted and marrying pedophiles. I took it all, in all its forms. I took abuse, I took sexual harassment, I swallowed the cursing and sucked in the yelling and the crying. I tolerated molestation and fought against getting raped each night in my childhood just so my mother could be happy. And now I am again the bigger one who is arranging, making, putting, removing, doing and getting fucked for one small error. I own a good life, that's what they see; a large apartment, a nice car, a beautiful girlfriend, a little cat, and so much money—that's what they see. That's what they know.

They see nothing. They know nothing. They don't hear the agonized cries seeping out of my lover's lungs each night because she simply cannot sit or sleep or even stand.

As regular days pass by, this one isn't any different. I spend my day working from home. I work even in the weekends. I send emails and receive them, I correct the embarrassing errors my employees make, I try to do exercises my dad makes me do in order to get better in management. Sara sits beside me reading silently or playing with the cat. Then her mother tries to help her stretch her legs and stand on her feet.

With every move, I hear a loud cry. I look up, watching my girlfriend's face red, eyes squeezed as she tries to bear the pain. I offer help but her mother rejects it. I fear that the old woman would hurt herself supporting Sara and holding her, but her mother is quite strong and it's fascinating.

Then comes the reading exercise, which distracts me with the irritated sighs and groans of disability. My attention is on work one second and back on Sara's stuttering tongue the next.

"B…but a c…aged bird stands on the…the…the…"

"Grave of dreams," her mother continues for her. "Say it again, stands on the grave of dreams."

"Stands on the…the graves of d…dreams." She takes a deep breath and our eyes meet. I smile encouragingly, but she doesn't respond with any expression. "His sha…his shadow shouts on a…a…a…nightmare scream," she continues.

"Yeah," Jessica whispers softly. "Good job."

She smiles, gaining more confidence and uttering the line after without much interruptions, "his wings are c…clipped and his feet are tied." She breathes again but this time she doesn't look at me. "So he op…op…opens his throat to sing."

"That was good. You're getting better," her mother encourages. "Now the last verse and I'll set you free, little bird."

I see her cringing, her mother laughing. "Mum, p…please. I'm too old for this."

"Still my little bird." Her mother shrugs.

Only in the evening we can finally be alone. Her mother goes to the other room, which I have furnished so quickly and tastelessly as soon as she has come. It was supposed to be a guests' bedroom, an office, or a fucking bedroom for our children, if someday we have any. But now it looks so different from the entire house; so plain, so lifeless, so old.

But this time is spent in the shower, which is not so bad since that's the only time I can see Sara naked if not taking her to the bathroom.

"Wanna shit?" I ask as I adjust the faucet, filling the tub.

"N…no." Her cheeks turn red instantly. I give her a quick grin before taking my clothes off.

"Well, I have to pee." I sit on the toilet. Sara's on her chair right in front of me. "I'll let you wipe for me when you can walk so it would stop being awkward for you." I get up and wash my hands.

"It will never…never stop being aw…aw…aw…" She huffs when her tongue betrays her.

"It will. If I think it's totally okay, why are you so embarrassed about it? God, Sar, we've been through way worse. You puked on me, baby. You touched my period blood. You told me it's normal, remember? That I shouldn't feel bad about it."

The hardest part is always getting her off the chair and ridding her off her clothes. Thankfully, the pain has been reduced with the heavy doses of medicine, and now she can at least support herself more in the standing position. Her disability is limited by both pain and fear. The psychological is affecting the physiological, that's what the doctors and our therapist have agreed on.

In the warm water her body relaxes. She said that heat was always good on her back. I sit right behind her so she's lying against my chest. She closes her eyes and rests her head on my shoulder.

I start to give her a massage. I begin with her shoulders to ease all the tensed muscles. I can feel her relaxing more with every gentle hum. I kiss the skin of her neck where her hair stops at.

"All my…all my body hurts," she says in the calmest voice possible. "All of it."

"I'm so sorry." Is there something else I can say?

"I wish I can re…remember." I continue my hand movement, giving her room to talk. "I was so happy. I was going to…to…to continue my studies and all."

"You can always do that once you heal. It's happening, babe." I thought by now her memory would return but that didn't happen. She can't remember any event of that day. She only remembers waking up and going back to sleep. Sometimes she pauses and looks at me strangely then shakes her head, as if she's seen something that she wants to tell me about but decides not to. She told me sometimes she feels she's on the verge of remembering but as soon as she wants to speak, her mind shuts down.

"And then…then something else happens and it's the same c…cycle."

"Don't say that," I mumble with a kiss on her shoulder as my hands descend down to give her upper back tender rubs.

"You know where I…where I need a m…m…massage right now?"

"Your feet?" I ask.

"No," she answers quickly. "My…" She giggles. "My pussy."

"Oh, wow. Okay."

Silence. She says nothing and I say nothing for a few seconds.

"Really?" I ask loudly. The excitement is finding its way inside my body.

"Y…yeah."

"Okay but aren't you, like, paralyzed? Like you actually feel stuff? You feel horny?"

I receive a long groan as a response. "I am not pa…pa…whatever, okay? I am just…I can't walk. But I feel horny."

"So you want it?" I grin at her, tilting my head to make her look at me.

"God, Tee." I guffaw as a rush of heat fills me, reaching different directions. I reach for her breasts and cup both of them. "I shall massage these beauties first."

I didn't know she was this aroused. Her moans are loud. I hope her mother doesn't hear her and bursts in wondering if Sara's in pain. When I pinch the two nipples, Sara's body begins to move, which is not very good. I try to hold her still and steady her movement. I don't want to hurt her or break her as Jessica has said.

It's hard to feel her wetness underwater, but it seems that she's enjoying the slightest of touches so even my strokes are firing her libido. I rub her cunt thoroughly and twirl her clit. I don't want her to arch her back so I focus on her nipples instead. I give her a finger to bite on so she would stop whimpering.

I pinch her nipples and play with her breasts. I wish I can put them in my mouth, suck and bite till they're sensitive and tender.

I sneak in one finger inside, making her push her head back on my shoulder quickly. Her insides squeeze me as I feel warm fluids rushing down her creamy walls and mixing with the water.

"Well that was very quick." She laughs shyly, hiding her face from my blazing vision.

At night I cover both of our heads with the blanket and pull down my pajama shorts along with my stripped boxers. She giggles calmly when I hurriedly lift my t-shirt up and touch myself.

I finger myself in silence, looking right at Sara's dimmed features. My breaths and hers are mingling as heat crawls up my body. She feels my left breast for a few minutes, once toying with the barbell and nipple, then squeezing the soft flesh. I guide her hand down to touch my clit.

"Please," I mumble. She's close to me. I know she can do it easily without any pain and I need to feel the warmth of her soul in her touches. I want to feel her, all of her; the energy she vibrates, the strength, the will, the growth, the tenderness, the forgiveness, the love, the ambition.

She listens to my plea and touches me. Her touches are mellow like her. Our breaths breaking through the silence and darkness of the night give me a special feeling, a type of connectedness we have abandoned a long time ago. Suddenly I feel like climbing on top of her, kissing her, then crying on her chest. The butterflies begin to sway in my stomach and it's not because I am about to orgasm but because this type of feeling reminds me of the old days when we hid under covers and discovered each other's darkest secrets in our dorm room. Those were the best days.

In the morning I wake up before her so I try not to make any sound as I open my eyes and find our cat's butt in my face.

"How did you get in here?" I whisper. "Come, let's go." I pick her up, hoping she wouldn't meow loudly before leaving the room with Sara asleep inside.

The angry voice of her mother stops me from walking down the stairs. I stop in my place and listen as her shouts are loud and her tears are evident in her hoarse tone.

"And that's why I did it all wrong. All of it. When my daughter is twenty-eight but cannot take care of herself, it means I did not know how to bring her up well, Sander."

I should not be overhearing, but one can't ever kill a habit as they wake up one day deciding to do so.

"She can't control her life, she's twenty-eight and she doesn't know how to even speak. If my daughter can't even make her own decision then I must have done something wrong, then we must have done something wrong and I don't know what we did but I am sure, God, I am sure we did not teach her to put up with violence, we did not teach her to say okay to humiliation and oppression."

They all think I'm a violent monster; it's what they see in me. They don't know that there is another demon that lives in my mind, the one that takes over my thoughts, forces me to do what I shouldn't do. They ignore the fact that back then I didn't know of the existence of that evil side, they don't know that I can control it now with the pills, they don't know how hard I fight with it, they don't fucking see me the way Sara does. So Sara's the only one who knows me and loves me, the only one who ever knew me and loved me.

"We taught her to love who she wants and be proud of her choices and herself, all I see now is deadly depression, Sander, do you hear me? It's deadly, I swear. She thinks of death more than she thinks of anything. She asks about death more than she asks about anything, she stares at the ceiling and does not talk. That's not the kid I raised. I raised a very bubbly, happy Sara. I raised a Sara who always ranted about everything on her mind, who ached our head with her views, a Sara who wanted to do what the fucking shit she wanted without giving a damn. And now…God, now I don't know what kind of ghost she is anymore. She has ambition but she kills it whenever she opens her mouth. If my daughter's not back to whom she was in few months, I'm actually…I, I don't know what I'll do…I don't know…" Her cries are louder now. "That's the thing. I can't do anything. I can't control anything. She's an adult, not a kid living under my roof. And that's the problem, is that she's an adult but doesn't really know how to be one. She's almost thirty. She can't do anything and she's almost thirty and I don't know if I should blame us or her girlfriend or herself. I don't know."

I wait a few moments after she hangs up till I walk up to her. She looks at me with tears in her eyes so I hug her, not expecting her to accept it. She does, however. She knows I've been listening.

"I'm sorry," I tell her. "I'm sorry you feel this way and I'm sorry Sara feels this way."

She nods, not saying a single word. She wipes her tears while pouring coffee for me.

"I truly love Sara. I promise you that I do. I am ill and I need her, please don't think I want to hurt her on purpose."

"I know," she finally says. "I only wish my daughter would be as happy as she once was."

"I wish that, too. I'm trying my best to get her back to those days."

"But fate isn't working on your side, dear." I sigh, sipping my steaming coffee and rubbing my face.

Work is monotonous and long. It's hard to be nice to employees when you can't be nice to yourself, when it's been a bad morning. I call Sara after an hour to check how she's feeling because she was still asleep when I left.

"I'm alright," she says at once. "The…the cat peed on the…the mattress."

"Oh, no. Not again."

"Yeah." She pauses. I hear meowing and Jessica's voice. "Mum's changing the sheets."

In my lunch break I lock myself inside my office and cry alone. I have to find a gate out for Sara, a way out of this prison she feels trapped in. I don't know what I should do. I don't know how I'll make her feel happy. How am I going to help her feel alive again?

I decide to call Emy. Friends always help. But Emy has been having her own issues with Amber lately. They married each other one strange morning a month ago after a very huge fight. They almost split so they decided to fix it up with marriage, which is actually bad in my opinion, but I can't judge with a relationship like mine and Sara's.

"Sometimes you need a best friend and I need you so much. I need you guys near me."

"Me too. I just need someone who can make me feel better about what's happening, make Sara feel better, make her laugh and smile. I want the good old times."

We both cry as we spill our hearts out to each other. Emy and I aren't as close as Sara and her but she's always there to listen. My best friend is Sara, for sure, but Emy is trust-worthy and amazing, too.

"I never thought my problems would revolve around having a freaking baby. I'm so young to be dealing with this."

"So she can't, like, conceive at all?" I ask.

"We've been trying but it's not working. It's just depressing her and making me hate being around her."

"Why don't you, uh, leave her if you don't want to be dealing with this? Do you even want a child right now?"

"I love her, that's why." Her sobs become louder and her cries increase. "And it hurts me seeing her upset. I'm trying to convince her that we're very young and we still have so much time but it's not working."

"I know how you feel. It's like being trapped inside an abyss of depression. You try your best to make things good but they keep getting worse. I don't know what I'll do anymore to get Sara the way she's been before."

She chuckles, pausing for a moment before speaking, "The problem is that you want to make time go back and time does not go back. You want to make Sara go back to the same Sara you first met, not realizing that you've been dating for years and people usually change in few months, so how about years? It's healthy not to be the same person."

"I know people change. I mean, I want her to be happy."

"You think Sara was happy? Sara was clinically depressed when you first met her. If you remember we were having issues with our sex and it's because of her depression and the treatment. She never told anyone but me and we never talked about it. She hated her major, she hated college, she felt trapped. I felt the same way you're feeling now and I wanted her to go back to the first days we've met. But Sara was never happy. She never felt satisfied. She never felt enough and it's not because it's you who made her feel this way. It's because she always felt like there is something missing in her. She always felt like she belonged to someone else. She refused to tell me she's adopted all that time till I knew it from you and it all made sense to me. It's hard to point fingers when we all have contributed in this mental destruction, but I think her parents are the ones to blame mostly. I know they love her, but they must have done something wrong that she feels this way, don't you think so?"

"She had always felt like she's stupid, like she's a loser…I don't know why she used to feel like that. She was smart and funny and outgoing."

"Yes." Emy coughs. "I know," she continues. I hear her sniffles and soft whimpers through the phone. "In all honesty, I think Sara has grown and her personality has developed. I feel like she knows her abilities now, even though she's hopeless, she knows what she's capable of. Now she's blaming fate and I think to blame fate is better than to blame yourself because as long as you know you can challenge fate, you're good."

"I disagree," I say.

"Why?"

"I think that thinking fate is your enemy means that you think something is way bigger than you is stopping you and that's what Sara thinks and that's why she's giving up, that's why she's hopeless. She thinks she is destined to fall, she's cursed, she's not meant to be happy so she shouldn't try; and that's why I want to make her happy and prove otherwise to her."

Emy laughs a little. I don't know what's funny.

"And who do you think you are, Tegan? The one who controls her happiness and laughter?"

"What?"

"Maybe you are the fate we're talking about, Tegan?"

"Excuse me?"

"Maybe you are her fate," she whispers.

"I don't…get it."

Emy huffs, I can hear it clearly through the phone. "Oh, I have to go. Amber's shift is ending soon. Goodbye, Teegles."

"Bye," I whisper in utter confusion.

Quiet greets me when I get back home, thinking it's empty until I step into my room and find my girlfriend on my bed.

"You're here!" I state loudly.

"Yeah. Wh…where would I be?" Bad mood, I can see it from her frown.

"It's just so quiet around here. Thought you're out with your mum." I sit on my mattress, kick off my shoes and shift my body next to hers.

"I'm just resting." Her index finger circles the button of my shirt as she looks at me. "Mum's pro…probably in the…in the bathroom or something." Sara sneezes and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. "My asthma," she mumbles. "It's been bad today."

"Same," I say with a prolonged moan. "The weather is disgusting. I have a headache."

Sara surprises me with a shy kiss. Her smile is a river of mystery. I kiss her back, smiling when my hand sneaks its way down the duvet and inside her sweatpants. I tangle my fingers in her curls and descend till I meet silky wetness. She giggles through the kiss and I do, too. I dip inside velvety folds, searching for the small entrance.

When the door opens, I pull away meeting Jessica's red face. A mug in her hand, Sara's mother clears her throat, smiling bashfully.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you arrived."

"It's okay." I try not to make it noticeable that my fingers are in Sara's pants, but trying to pull them out makes Jessica stare at the moving hand inside the covers, which makes both Sara's face and hers beet red. "I just…I just came…home, I mean." I laugh nervously, which comes out loud and obnoxious. I cringe at my silly awkwardness, slapping my forehead as soon as Jessica gives Sara her coffee.

Sara guffaws loudly, louder than I've seen or heard her do in a very, very long time. "I just came…home, I mean," Sara mocks me, grabbing my face with both hands, making me feel so small and childish.

"Shut up."

"You're a…adorable, Tegan."

"That was embarrassing."

I change my clothes and join Sara in bed under the covers, talking to my mum and my dad for awhile then talking to Sara a little bit. Jessica calls me in the middle of our chat.

"Tegan, darling, I need a little help."

I leave the room to help her with whatever she needs.

"I'm trying to get the television to your room, so Sara can watch something or use the Playstation. She's been moody lately, refusing to leave her room."

We used to have a television in the room, but Cyndi did something to the wires and we can't plug it in anymore. I haven't thought of moving the one in the living room inside our bedroom because we liked to sit outside, but now with Sara's condition, she barely likes to get out of the bed. All she likes to do is sit in there, read a book and play with the cat. It's depressing, but how can I get her away from what makes her feel comfortable? We all like to zone ourselves inside our shells to run away, I know that, I felt that way. We all choose different methods, different getaways. I hated it when someone tried so hard to make me 'change.' They didn't know and couldn't get it. And I probably can't get half of the things Sara's mind, heart, and body are going through, but I know not to force her out of things she cannot control because happiness doesn't happen when you tell someone to change how they see things; it's not a button we can switch on and off. If it was, nobody would be suffering.

"What are you…what are you doing?" Sara asks when I move the large television inside.

"Dear, be careful, the cat is sitting right beside your feet."

"Cyndi, go to mama, go to mama." Cyndi hops on the mattress, quickly seeking Sara's figure.

"I thought it would be better to move it here since nobody sits outside much. You could play video games and watch programs or something."

"Oh, thank you."

While I adjust the cable, Jessica starts rambling about their day. Sara woke up late and was lazy; she didn't want to go to the bathroom or eat.

"She just wanted to stay in bed. It's not good for her bladder." Sara's small groans make me laugh silently as I face the television. "And then the doctor came and Sara walked well. I bet she didn't tell you that. She took a step today on her own."

"Mum," Sara scolds, "Don't…don't talk about me as if I'm a b…b…baby."

"I'm sorry." Jessica sighs. "I'm just happy that you're improving. She even read an entire paragraph without a stutter today."

I look at Sara, trying to make my smile seem proud and tender. "Is that true, Sasa? You tried to walk today?"

"Yeah…it…it hurt but it felt good. I think I'll recover soon. I hope so."

"Yeah, the doctor said she will. I know she will in a matter of days. I don't want to be worried when I leave, honey." If she leaves, I'll throw a party. I'll invite people I know and people I don't know. I swear I'll throw a party even if it was for Sara and I with the cat by ourselves. But the issue is after she's leaving, Jane will take over the duty of caregiving, and I hate nothing more than intruders who gossip about everything.

The following day we decide to have our home session with Dr. Philips. I dress Sara in her favorite dark blue button up and grey trousers. I comb her hair and spray her with cologne. Then I get dressed in T-shirts and jeans. If I'm around my house, I'm allowed to look comfortable, but Sara always likes to be dressed up, even if she's staying in. I think it's charming and healthy. Jessica and I try to make the living room presentable, removing items lying around in each nook and corner. She dusts off the furniture and I open the windows to let some breeze in to freshen up the air inside our apartment. Sara shivers after a few minutes while sitting on her chair and staring at us tidying. I close the window and bring refreshments. We're not allowed to drink, Dr. Philips said to me over the phone; therefore I bring sodas and juices with a bunch of snacks that Sara enjoys.

"It's like…like a movie night," Sara says while chewing her chips delicately, careful enough not to spit some while talking.

"Yups, doc said she wants us to feel like home, like if it's just some hangout; not really a therapy session."

Sara smiles, nodding with chips in her mouth.

"You guys really don't invite people over, do you?" Jessica asks, finally plopping on the couch like a little teenager after a long school day. Her flushed cheeks make her look younger. She has also put some makeup. Her eyes look more vibrant than hours ago and her smile looks less mean. Her black shirt, though, still not attractive on her body, neither are her dark jeans.

"We don't," I answer.

"We don't have f…friends," Sara says.

"Why not?"

"It's b…b…" Sara stomps her foot loudly and angrily when the simple word challenges her capability of pronunciation.

"It's okay," I ease her anger with a whisper, but it does not make anything better. Tears accumulate around her eyes. "Sara," I try again, "please don't be so hard on yourself."

I look at silent Jessica. I want her to say something to save me. She looks at her daughter as if her daughter is the time that passed and is mourned over for the many decades that follow.

"Better," Sara says, taking a deep breath. "Because it's better." I kiss her forehead, mouthing words of love and encouragement.

When Dr. Philips arrives, she asks Jessica many questions before talking to us. They talk about the past; things I never knew. I can see Sara's smile from the periphery while her mother speaks about finding her and taking her in. The story makes me tear up a little bit but I try not to grab any uncalled for attention.

"So, Sara, Tegan, how are you today?"

"Good," I answer.

"Good," Sara repeats.

"Great," our therapist says. "Well, today I want us to do something different. I'm not gonna ask you. I'm going to let you talk about anything you want. Just talk to each other. Pretend that Jessica and I are just close friends." She laughs upon watching my disturbed facial expression. "I know that's hard to imagine but you can try. I'll just eat some garlic bread, seems delicious, who made it?"

"I did," I respond.

"Oh, that's amazing, you can cook?"

"We all can. Even Sara."

Sara nods in agreement, blushing at my enthusiasm and randomness.

I begin to talk because Sara will never choose to speak first. If that was five years ago, Sara would be the one chatting till our heads started throbbing. So I start to talk about the first time we met, about Sara's OCD; about the_ good ol' days_ as they say.

"She used to be disgusted by everything, she didn't even want to touch my hand or shake it. She literally just shook my arm, and the only reason she did that because I was so hot and a lesbian, too." I wink at my blushing, laughing girlfriend.

"Not," Sara says. "I...I mean, yeah, you were hot…"

"Were?" I jump up, eyes widening.

"Still hot." She giggles, brushing her fringe off her face. "But I…I shook it because you seemed clean. Yeah, I had…I had a bad OCD." She laughs cutely. "I used to…to be disgusted with everything." Her mum is smiling and so is our therapist. I enjoy hearing Sara speak; for the more she speaks the better her pronunciation is, which by now I am sure it is merely psychological and I hope things are getting better for her. "I didn't like people being…c…close to me. Only Emy. But then, then Tegan came and everything just…changed."

"How did it change? I'm actually very interested, not as a doctor but as Christy, the middle aged woman who wants to know how this love started." Fool me all you want, I know these schemes. Even if she's interested in our love life, she's still a therapist; she still wants to connect things. I know because I have a therapist mother and a psychology major girlfriend.

"I was…I was dating Emy back then. I loved her."

"And I was very…slutty. I slept around, not in university but before that. When I started university I didn't sleep with anyone because I immediately fell for her. It took me months and months to realize it but it happened eventually. I thought I'm not capable of love."

"It was hard for her…and for me, and for Emy. Hard to break up…hard to fall for someone who didn't know what love is, I mean…sh…she always said she didn't love, so I couldn't do anything but hurt her in diff…diff…different ways." She takes a deep breath, wiping the sweat upon her nervous brow.

"Why couldn't you love, Tegan?" Jessica asks me. I look up at the woman sitting far in the corner of the room, not knowing how to explain things I never dared to talk about.

"Tee, you don't have to."

"It's alright. I'm over it now. I'm old now, and mature." All three laugh, making me roll my eyes at my girlfriend mostly. Yes, I'm quite young, or too young to have this responsibility; but that's the thing, I've always carried extra weight on my shoulder."

"I grew up not having a family. My parents separated when I was a newborn. My grandma told me that it'd been that way since they were in high school. Always on and off, on and off. So I always asked myself, why did they decide to have me if they're that messed up? I remember my dad sneaking inside our small house in Calgary at night. I would be asleep next to mum and when dad would show up; they'd pick me up to put me in the other room. It was the only time I didn't protest being taken away from mum's bed. I just thought that I had parents like all the other kids and like all my cousins. In the morning, I'd sneak in the bedroom to cuddle with them but I'd find my dad gone and my mother crying. She wouldn't tell me why but as I grew up I realized that they tried so hard to fix their issues, but they never could. Till this day, I don't know what their issues were. They never spoke to me or told me anything. Now they're back together, I have no idea what happened and what they fixed in order to be together. All I know is that they always slept together, even when my mother had boyfriends."

With the quiet that greets me after I pause, I can't think of anything but how judgmental they must be right now, especially Jessica, whose pupils won't stop dancing in my direction.

"I saw different men break my mother's heart. I saw her getting dumped, abused, cussed at, mocked…I saw everything. I saw her crying and depressed, losing hope in life, attempting suicide. I saw all of it. I had to comfort her each night and I was just seven. I grew up thinking that love is like that because whenever I asked her why she would let them do this to her, she would answer, _'Because I love him.'_

"I asked myself if that was what love was. My dad was hard to talk to; he was always busy, just getting started with his career. He'd take me to work with him and show me all the business mechanisms, making me promise him that I'd be the best businesswoman one day."

Sara laughs, squeezing my knee and winking at me.

"The only good place was my grandparents'. They took good care of me when my mother was too wasted to get out of bed or too beaten up to show her face, as if I didn't know what was wrong."

Sara knows all of that, but none of the other two women do. I know that Jessica is wondering why I hit her daughter if my mother suffered such pain. I wish I can answer her, I wish I can have a reason. I don't know, it just happened, I couldn't control it. I'd never do it again.

"At nine my mum was with another boyfriend and she was fairly happy, I could say. But…but each night I would feel a strange feeling in my own bed. I would wake up and he'd be by my side. He would hush me gently. He was…gentle, to get where he wanted. He used to tell me we were going to play a game and if I played right, he would buy me whatever I wanted. I was exposed to sex just then. He started to…to touch me. His hands…"

"Tegan, do…don't."

Talking about it always feels like it's happening to me again. I will never erase it. I will never forget it.

"It's okay." I take a breath, looking down at my lap before continuing. "He touched me and made me touch him. He used to grab my hand and put it…you know. I was horrified. I didn't know who to tell. It happened for months until one day he wanted more, I screamed loudly that day. My mum was out. I didn't know what he wanted but I knew something was happening and that something was not what I wanted. I was quick, very quick. I picked up the phone and dialed my dad's number…"

"Jesus Christ, what happened after that?" Jessica says with a hand over her mouth. I feel like I'm exposing a dramatic tale to them, and they're waiting for the plot to thicken.

"Court, jail, yeah. But my mother didn't really learn. She still dated, her heart was still broken. She still dated till I was in college when I refused to go home for the holidays, if you remember."

"Yeah, I do."

Dr. Philips is stark mute without any expression on her face. She's not eating anything anymore, just staring at us as we speak.

"She thought that…that everyone was going to hurt her like they did her mum," Sara says.

"I didn't know I was going to be one of those guys." Tears start falling from my eyes. "I remember the first time we fought…"

"I strangled her," Sara says. "I climbed on t…top of her and wrapped my hands around her neck. I st…started it. The physical fighting."

"But that was different from what I…"

"It was her second day in the dorm…" Sara cuts me off again. "I remember how she turned me on. I fell…I fell for her. I wanted her…and I had her...I still have her."

"I like that you went to a place, a dark place but you came back from it," Christy says. "That's always necessary in relationships, to talk about it like that, to examine it, to take yourself way back, then return again. Always get back to where you are or else you'll get stuck in a place you thought you're over, and if you get stuck, know that you're not over it."


	27. Chapter 27

**Sara**

The passing of time, dear—the passing of time is what makes our hearts complete again, somehow intact, sort of cured—sort of. The passing of time is what makes us forget, change, wither slowly. Winter after winter, summer after summer and the pain goes away, the memories fade, the visions vanish. They say time heals the wounds and that's because with time you start to get over things, and sometimes forget.

With time, I also start to speak normally again…almost. However, time still doesn't heal my paralysis easily and quickly as my mother has anticipated.

April, 2009—I still use the wheelchair. I still can't walk. Jane has taken my mother's role. It's good and bad at the same time. While my mother was making Tegan uncomfortable, we still had our private, alone time. Jane is an obnoxious, curious woman. We don't get to have our alone moments without her butting in. We don't get to talk, or touch, or kiss. The only time we can be alone is when we sleep, or when she runs some errands on the weekends.

And that's the only time we can have sex.

"Oh god, oh god. I'm getting there, I'm so close," Tegan screams while fucking herself on top of me. I watch the black phallus move in and out of her while she straddles my hips. I put my hands on her sides and push her up and down roughly, trying to get my body to join the moves and thrust in her, but it's hard and I give up on it. She doesn't need it though, because she is very close. I touch her clit and rub quickly. Her breasts are swaying with every little move, making me crave putting my hands on them. They are tantalizing. I cup them while she moans and shudders, lowering her head to kiss me while coming.

A dulcet giggle leaves her breathless lungs while she collapses on top of me. "Oh, God," she says. "I can't fucking breathe. That was so good."

"I'm glad."

She pulls the toy out of her carefully and gets up, searching for her puffer. "It's so hard to pull out like that. The pain rushes in, making you forget the sweet orgasm." She pushes back her sweaty locks. "Fuck."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, hun. Don't apologize." She gets me rid of the harness then stretches, looking at her phone then back at me. "Babe, I want to touch you. You think we have time before Jane gets back?"

"I…I hope so." I bite my lower lip to hint at my need. If only I can spread my legs.

"Okay, love." She sits near my legs in order to grab them like she does each time. Slowly, she parts them and puts them on her shoulders. She lowers her body between them and lifts me up a little bit. She begins to kiss my thighs, slowly, gently, sweetly.

We usually practice this position and I receive enormous pleasure when she eats me out, making sure to prolong the sucks on my clit so when she lets go, I miss her warm mouth instantly. Sometimes she pushes a finger or two, which makes me shake uncontrollably till I come. One time we tried a position I never thought we would ever actually do. She straddled my face because that's the only way I could eat her out. A little bit throughout the process, Tegan turned around. Slowly, her body descended till I began to feel her hot breaths cooling off the saturation between my legs. She fucked me with her tongue and I did as well. It was a moment of supreme euphoria, an undiscovered galaxy of revelation. Fresh ideas always make our spark glow, make us receive each other's thoughts beautifully, make us understand each other a little bit more. Sex always toys with the emotional state of our relationship, which has to fiddle with the rational one eventually.

So in sex we let go of the suppressed, we put everything on the surface. After making me reach the nirvana I seek for when I'm around her, my nerves calm down and my body relaxes. We spend the few minutes before Jane's return kissing each other passionately, whispering loving words and giggling as if we are teenage lovers.

Life has been passing by quickly; I've been reading none stop. Jane makes me read aloud fifty pages daily while she cleans the house or drinks her afternoon tea. Sometimes we chat about private things like our sex lives and our feelings like we used to when I still lived in my parents' place and she worked there. When she helps me shower, we prefer to talk about the weather and what food she and I would like to make. She taught me how to master my cooking skills, making Tegan moan in delight when she tastes anything.

Rob calls me each day to check on me, so does Melancholic Emy (that's what Jane calls her).

"She's so depressed all the time, I just feel, I don't know, strange when she's video chatting with you and I'm around."

"She…she has her issues, Jane. Th…they're trying to make a b..baby and it's not working." Jane is rude, so I try to make her stitch her lips at times but I always fail. I suppose now I know where I've taken that trait from. I've lived with her my entire childhood and teenage years. We played together, grew up together and almost did every little thing together. She is a big sister to me. However, she is rude and I've taken that from her and that explains my past behavior many years ago. Things have changed drastically. Sometimes I wish I still had that exaggerating, fiery tongue that said things without thinking them a hundred times in my head.

"So?" Jane shrugs. "Luke and I have been trying for the past two years, too."

"Oh, I didn't know."

"It will happen when the time is right," she says. "All doctors said there is nothing wrong with us. It's a matter of time."

"Yes," I say, despite not knowing how that feels.

I think the reasons that my depression has been reduced to a great extent are Jane being around so I'm not alone when Tegan is working, and Tegan opening up about all her issues without any fear of judgment. Of course the great effort we both are putting in therapy is a factor, but Tegan has changed a lot in the past months. Work changed her and made her think of others more than herself. She is not selfish anymore, she does not demand, she does not think of others as inferior to her. Sometimes she tells me about her long days and how hard work is. Expressing her insecurity towards her work and how others see her makes me upset because I worry she would break down one day.

"I feel like I can't do it, Sara. Like I can't do it at all. I just want to collapse sometimes. I want to cry and sleep at times. But I have to because my father gave me this huge responsibility and I can't let him down. But, God, how I wish he saw me as I am."

"He did. He s…saw you as the strong woman you are, Teetee."

"But I am not," says Tegan.

"Yes, you are," I say back. "You are the s…s…strongest person I've seen and I'm so happy you are my destiny."

She pushes her blushing face in my lap, hiding her bashful features from me. "Shut up, don't make me blush."

"I love you," I say.

"I fucking love you, too," she says back.

The weekends are the best parts of the week because Tegan, Jane, and myself usually plan to do some activity. Sometime we go out to a restaurant, but my favorite times are staying at home and chatting while abandoning a movie we decided to watch hours before. We talk about everything without shame or shyness. A few drinks and we are all quite tipsy to notice what our mouths are blabbering.

"Guys, stop talking about sex. It makes me jealous. I miss my husband."

"Aww," Tegan says, petting the cat on her lap.

"Luke probably h…hates me," I say.

"Oh, no," says Jane with a chortle. "He's working this time of the year. You know, he doesn't come home quite often. Night shifts are not the best."

"Imagine that was Sara? I would die. God, I would die. I can't not annoy the shit out of her by pushing my face literally in her boobs." The room lights up in laughter at Tegan's words, but my heart floods with the warmth her charm sends. I give her hand a soft rub. "Seriously, I can't fucking sleep unless she holds me."

"Well at least we know who's a top deep down." Jane winks. We've been joking about how my current state makes me a bottom no matter what our sex position is.

"She's maybe a pillow queen now, but she will always be the top somehow." Tegan sends a wink my way.

"Oh my god, stop." I can't help but giggle embarrassingly. She kisses me quickly. Jane whistles.

"Get it on."

"No, behave," I tell Jane.

"Let me fuck you right here," Tegan whispers, smirking slightly at Jane. "I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding." She sits back and we continue our calm evening.

Sometimes we have sex after those evenings, sometimes we don't. It all depends on our moods.

Each Sunday I have a long physical therapy session at home. Tegan and Jane join my therapist as he lets me make a few exercises that are just now beginning to benefit my muscles. I can move my toes now. I can bend my knees, especially in baths.

"As soon as change happens, recovery follows it. Once you start, everything becomes possible. It can appear very slow, but from my experience; you could end up walking next week. You just have to try each day."

I try each day. Jane and I walk around the house each day. Hand in hand with her support. Of course, I don't end up walking after a week, but now I can part my legs.

Tegan and I have sex when she's back. I part my legs without her help. We use the black dildo, but this time she fucks me with it and it feels wonderful.

"I'm pretty sure sex is helping, too. You feel pain?" she asks.

"No." We kiss for a little bit, then I speak, "You know…uh…the cortisone numbed it all. I mean…h…healed it. But…I'm fat."

"Shut up and let me kiss you so I can come." She moans in my mouth while we make out. She rocks her body on my thighs and reaches her orgasm shortly.

What bother me mostly when I speak to Rob are the constant questions about my memory. He tells me that we talked the day of the accident. I told him stuff, he said. I'm not sure what I told him, but I don't remember anything. He does not want to tell me.

"Ca…can you tell me what is it?"

"No," he says. "It's not important actually. I just want to know if your memory is back."

"It's not."

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"I told you." I sigh frustratingly into my phone. "Feeding Cyndi…j…just that. I don't know."

"Okay, I guess. I'm sorry I keep asking. I don't know, I just want to know if you are alright."

"Rob, I…I haven't been better. I'm honest."

"I'm glad to hear that. I really am."

"I know we probably talked about me...t...trying to find my birth parents, but..." I sigh then continue, "I don't want that anymore. I don't even think of it," I tell him and tell Jane, too, when she asks me about it. I have parents who love me and a girlfriend who would do anything to be with me, I don't need anything else.

Jane has to leave in the end of June, which makes me quite upset. However, in July Tegan's mother visits us. She is an amazing woman and the more I see her the more I fall in love with her mind. I enjoy each minute of the two weeks she spends with us. The time Tegan at work is the time of the best therapy I have ever gotten.

In July, I begin to walk again thanks to Sonia's help. Two weeks change everything. Sometimes all you need is a fruitful chat about the things you love mostly, the books you read, the human brain.

I take my first step in front of Tegan on a Friday night when she returns from work. Her crying excitement brings us both to tears. I can't stand for too long, but I try my best without falling down.

"Healing is a process," Sonia tells me. "It takes so much time, but it happens if you are surrounded by the right people, the right thoughts, and the willpower. You not being able to walk is psychological but you are healing and I can see it."

"I like…like having people here because I get lonely when Tegan's at work."

Sonia laughs quietly, nodding her head. "I know how that feels. I used to run from one guy to the other just so I can fill the void. I had a daughter and I was young, still I felt empty. When she went to school and I sat in my house and did nothing, God…that was torture."

"You…you didn't work?"

"Oh, honey, no." She laughs again. "I had…very tough years when I was young. I was very depressed." She looks at her hand, chuckling slightly. "I never told Tegan any of that. When I was a teenager I made so many mistakes. I lost so much. I couldn't go to college. I couldn't get a proper job because I couldn't go to college. I married Stephen to fix the mistakes we used to make, I loved him, I wanted a kid from him. I just wanted stability. We got the kid and we realized it's not going to work at all. We were different, very different."

"Why? What m…mistakes? Why different?"

"You know, just some past mistakes. I mean, he came from a rich family. I came from a normal family, very religious. It was not a good match. We loved each other. Everyone wanted to separate us. At the end we discovered we couldn't be together at all. His parents hated me so much and mine didn't really like him, too."

Tegan has not told me any of that. I know her father's family is rich. I also know she does not interact with them at all. She has never seen her grandmother and only saw an aunt once. She told me her aunt said she looked like she would be knocked up at seventeen. _"Well, if I was straight, that would have been true,"_ Tegan joked once.

"I couldn't study or work and raise Tegan. She was not really an easy child to handle and I was...not healthy. Psychologically, I was not healthy. Sometimes I wished I hadn't brought her up thinking having a kid would make me feel better, would make my depression go away, would make things right."

"You regret her?" I ask timidly, remembering all the times Tegan mentioned she felt like a mistake even though she was not, all the times I told her I am the mistake and she envied me for my parents, the ones I never appreciated.

"When I was young, yes. But right now I am so thankful I have her." Sonia smiles. "I'm so thankful she has found you."

"Thank you."

"Don't blush. You are a great person. You remind me of myself so much."

"Really?"

"Yes." Sonia pauses. "I felt the same way you did all my life, except I did way terrible things. I caused my daughter trauma. I made her life a living hell. You're helping her even though it's hard to help someone when you need help."

"You understand me."

"Yes." She puts her hand over mine and smiles. "You're a very smart woman."

"Thank you." I never feel like that, but she makes me believe it. Nobody ever does that.

"After years of distress, I decided to major in psychology. I just wanted to discover the human mind. I wanted to know why we did certain things, loved certain people, acted in certain ways."

"Yeah, I…I never liked it until I started to understand it." I look at my wheelchair in the corner of the room then look back at Sonia sitting next to me on the couch. "Actually, I never liked it until...until I began to fall for Tegan."

"You wanted to get her and you were trying to," Sonia remarks with a grin that looks a lot like her daughter's.

"Yes. Very much."

"Life was hard for me, too. I never thought I'd be a decent human being, successful or hardworking. But you know what? I did and I am now and I can see that you will reach your dreams the way I reached mine. I'm not saying it just because I am trying to be sweet. I see something in you, Sara. I don't know what that is, but I really do. I know you are going to be someone you wish you are now."

And I believe her. I believe every word she says. I don't know what makes her seem reliable but I believe her. Maybe because her story resembles mine and her dreams are a lot like mine. Yes, I love music and I always wanted to sing, but my bigger project is to have my own clinic. I want that. I really want to help people. I always wanted someone to help me and now I feel better, I want to plant that feeling in other people's minds. I know it's hard, I know it needs work and study, but nobody is giving me the chance. I want to go to graduate school. I want to start with teenagers, maybe work in schools and then start from there. But how does one start? How does it all happen?

In August I receive an acceptance letter for the MA program I did not apply to. I call Tegan immediately, not even able to breathe. She shrieks into the phone and an hour later she's at home with cake and champagne.

Tegan has applied for me. She knew by September I'd recover, she said she had faith in that.

Knowing that takes me aback. It makes me feel unsettled in a way. I become overwhelmed with the thought I'm now back to school again that I spend the night awake in the living room, thinking and over thinking.

I call Sonia first thing in the morning to tell her the news then I cry into the phone for an hour. I don't know why I cry, something in me feels strange.

"It's starting to happen like I told you, and you're scared because you feel like something will go wrong."

What if something goes wrong? God, I don't want anything to go wrong.

When I inform my parents through Skype, my father tears up. My mother says she's proud about a hundred times. Joy squeals for me. Everyone is proud, everyone is happy, including me—it scares me.

That first day is even more terrifying when I sit in the classes again and hear the professors speak again. Can I do it? Can I really do it? I barely did university, what made me think I can do graduate school?

I have to do it, though. I must try. I have nothing else to do but try. I have nothing but time. I don't even need to be distracted anymore.

The first paper I'm required to write takes me two days with thinking, researching and no sleep. But the outcome is good because I end up getting an A-. Tegan calls everyone she knows to tell them that. The second paper I get an A. Tegan takes me out to celebrate. The first quiz, I get an A as well. I cry from fear, from joy, from happiness. We make love at night.

My walking begins to get better slowly. The first days of going back to school were the hardest because people looked at me limping and walking very slowly. I had to sit down each few minutes because I was scared I would fall. I don't know why I fear walking or falling or any of that, I don't know what's in my mind that's banning me from normal human activities.

I turn twenty-nine in September and Tegan turns twenty-three. On her birthday, I decide to make love to her using our old maroon dildo. I clean it well and strap myself before we go out to the bar so when we get back home, I can do it.

At the bar we have a few drinks and share a bowl of nachos while chatting about work and school. She tells me about her day and I tell her about mine, just the way we do each day. Secretly, I order a small cake for her and I. We have agreed no lavish birthdays or anything big this year. She surprised me with a cake on my birthday and we made love, so I'm doing the same. I asked her to go out today because it's the weekend. Tegan has gotten me a backpack, two shirts and two pants for my birthday. I wanted to shop for awhile now, but didn't have the time. I got her new jewelry for her nipples; pearl nipple rings, which I'm sure she will laugh at but love because she's been eyeing them for awhile now. I haven't given them to her yet. Maybe after sex I'll help her put them on.

"I'm not getting out of bed tomorrow." Tegan yawns.

"Lucky you. I have tons of papers to write."

"You can write them in bed next to me." Her grin sends thousands of gleaming stars inside my stomach, making me long to get back home as soon as possible so I can touch her.

"I'll get distracted by you."

"And why is that?" she says flirtatiously. Slowly, she shifts her body closer to mine and wraps her arm around me, making me rest my head on her shoulder. "Do I still manage to distract you after all these years?"

"Of course." I kiss her chin while looking up at her. Her hand rubs my arm, making the fire burn my insides. "God, I want to touch you," I whisper carefully in the dimmed, loud bar.

"What's stopping you?" Her touches become sensual and my willpower starts to recoil, giving space to the flames of lust to shower my brain.

"Fuck, Tegan," I moan when I feel the heat on the seam of her pants. She laughs loudly and kisses my head. I put her hand between my own pants to let her know what I'm hiding. The shadow of her gasp makes my ears buzz and the hair on my skin stand up.

"You're fucking…" She sucks in her breath while squeezing the toy between my legs. I'm glad the booth we're in is shielding us with the help of the dark room. "I want it right now. Like, right now."

"Let's go." I grab her hand to pull her up.

I think lust is one of the most dangerous intoxicants ever known to humanity judging by the speed Tegan is driving in just to get home. Our laughter is loud and cheery as we rush down the rainy road. If I die in this moment, I will die happily.

"Hi, Cyndi," Tegan shouts jovially before picking the cat to take her out of our room. "Bye, Cyndi."

"Aww, poor kitty. Let her watch."

"You're sick," says my girlfriend with laughter.

"Lie down," I say calmly while pushing her small body against the mattress.

"Wait, are you gonna…"

"Yes,"

"Are you sure?" I take off her jacket and pull up her dark blue sweater. "I don't want you to hurt yourself." I unbutton her jeans and pull it down after I remove her boots.

"Don't worry. If I…if I feel anything s…strange, I will tell you."

Just like most of our sexual ventures, this one starts with soft, slow kissing that makes us both more eager to ravish one another. I miss being on top of her. I miss it so much, the way she is tender and powerless in my hands while each touch I perform makes her jolt and scream.

Looking at her toned, muscular body, a sense of jealousy stings me for mere seconds. How I wish I still have that body that made all eyes admire it as I walked around my university. Everyone wanted to touch me, to try to give me an orgasm, to put their hands on my breasts or sneak them under my pants to test whether this innocence my face carried would be shredded with their touches. But now nobody looks at me or wants me, nobody finds me sexy enough to stare at with this swelling in each part of my body because of my medical treatment. Except Tegan, somehow she is still aroused by me. When I touch her folds to inspect, I find a river of saturation; a river of love, of need, of sweetness.

Her features are full of innocence and honesty when she smiles at me as I wait for her consent to start making love to her. I kiss her quickly just to hear that soft whimper her lips release while my fingers circle her clit. The small button is pulsing against my two digits; I can feel the trembling need.

"Please, come on."

"You want it?" I tease, kissing her again.

"So much," she whines.

Whoever this human is—I don't know why she was made and how she was made, I don't know anything about the universe outside of this entity we exist in—but whoever she is, I know that she is the only human being that can ever make me feel the way I am feeling now; something I will never be able to verbalize. It's not a stomach pinch, or a heartbeat, or a type of ecstasy; it's a way of knowing, or realizing, of having that light that goes like _Ah!_ I know it, I know this person, I know this power, I know this feeling. It's the one and only, she's the one and only. And knowing this is just beyond terrifying.

I spread her lips in order to push in. This phallus is quite small compared to the ones we've been using, but I love it because it's the first one she used on me and I used on her. I look between her legs as I begin to plunge in, watching the maroon toy disappear inside while her lips wrap around it; a sight that catches my breath. I love this act, and I love doing it to her. I love watching her lips engulf the phallus each time I push and pull. When she used to ride me, I could only focus on her pussy; so swollen and sweet. And right now, with this position, I can only see her face; her wrinkled nose and tight eyes, the quiver in her lips. I kiss her plump lips, pushing my tongue and moaning while I thrust. When I make sure I'm okay with moving my hips in this position, the fear diminishes and so I commence to quicken my pace.

I pull away to look at her. We smile to one another as the sounds of the thrusting and our breaths fill the quiet room.

"Sara."

"Yes, baby."

"Get my clit." Her cheeks turn pink; as if it's the first time we are having sex, as if she has never vocalized a crude comment in front of me.

I rub her clit, like she asked, and plant kisses on her chest. My free hand caresses her breasts softly, squeezing now and then whenever I hear a moan. When I begin to feel the tightness in her walls restricting me from pushing, I stop rubbing her clit. She opens her eyes in surprise.

"You're gonna come?"

"Yeah, please don't stop."

I stay in there without pushing for a few seconds then I begin to roll my hips in a quick motion that makes her scream. Her legs wrap around me. I can see the veins in her neck when she arches her back. I put my index on her clit once again. Gently, I rub the hood in very slow anticlockwise motion. This sends her to the edge. I can feel her walls wrapping around me, not letting me push freely.

"I'm coming, Sara." She squeals, closing her eyes and locking her legs around me as she reaches her orgasm. "Oh god, oh god," she chants when the high is over, her arm above her head. "Fuck."

"That was good?"

"That was fucking amazing." I kiss her lips, watching her teary eyes smile at me. "I'm tearing up, wow."

"How come?" I start to pull out of her, hearing the faint gasp when she is free of me.

"It was intense," she says, looking up at me standing on my knees. "I haven't been, you know, fucked by you since…wow, a long time ago. I fucked myself on you, but ...yeah." Her nervous laugh is a ringtone of long sought for relaxation.

"I'm happy," I mumble. "I'm happy right now."

The dopey smile she sends me is one of the purest I've witnessed; genuine, angelic. Once I free myself from the harness, Tegan pulls me underneath her, straddling me all of a sudden.

"What do you want?" she questions, surprising me with a hungry kiss.

"No," I whine with a giggle when she takes my breast in her mouth. "It's supposed to be about you." She sucks my hardened nipple with prurient eyes stripping off my confidence. I scream when she bites the pink bud, rolling the tip of her tongue over it. When she lets go, I feel my core watering and going into spasms for release. I start to moan lewdly, almost like the girls do in porn.

"You want me to fuck you, though," she breathes out with an octave full of life and lust. "Don't deny it." She smirks when her thumb presses on my clit while she sits between my legs. My right leg is resting on her shoulder to give her a better view.

I never thought relying on fingers only could be that entertaining. I have forgotten the joy a simple flick of the wrist can bring; when she taps on my clit a number of times and twirls her two digits inside my pussy for a few minutes, I begin to lose it, pushing myself towards her.

"Oh, yes," she says breathlessly. Her chest is heated and full of glistening sweat. "Come for mama." I laugh when she leans in to peck my clit. "Come on." She pecks it again, making it jump for her lips to hug it. "I can feel it happening." And so can I. My walls are tightening around her curious fingers. "Fuck, you're so soft and hot inside." She pushes more, reaching where I want her to be, pushing on the spot that makes my stomach flip. I scream when she squeezes my red, swollen clit between both lips. "Yeahhh," she says, blowing on the inflamed parts. "There you go." I whimper when I release my gooey fluids on her hands. When she pulls out, she dips her fingers in her mouth and sucks with a sound that makes my chest flutter with secondhand embarrassment. "Yum." She pecks my clit one last time, making me lock her head between my legs with a shudder. "Looks like someone wants me to stay eternally there."

"Shut up."

She kisses me when her head touches the pillow. "Fuck, man, it's crazy what we'll do for a fucking orgasm."

"Yeah," I say. "And then…then…w…we have it for like less than a minute and then…"

"And then everything is back to normal and we can function again, but before we reach there, we turn into monsters and animals." I laugh, looking at her rambling lips. "Like, do you get these weird fantasies and thoughts while almost getting there?"

"Like?" I tease.

"Like, you know, you're like…" She pauses, blushing. "Like I was about to come and at that moment I was like, I want to have sex forever and ever and tomorrow I'm gonna keep my legs spread so Sara can fuck this cunt whenever she looks at it and I will walk naked and fuck every piece of furniture and also film myself naked and post it on porn sites, and like go to a nude beach and have an orgy, and then have a sex tape and become a porn star because sex is the best." She takes a deep breath. I am sufficiently amused while hearing her sex thoughts. "And then I came and I was like, whoa, what the fuck? I am disgusting."

"Wow, you are something."

"Shut up, you get these too."

"Hmm." I wiggle my eyebrows at her. "Maybe not…not the porn star one. I think of being a stripper and…and riding stuff."

"Like teddy bears and pillows?" she teases back, making me hide my face behind my hand as memories hit me.

And that's time, somehow it passes, somehow you heal yourself through it. You adapt, you adjust, you find a new getaway. Memories become the shelter you run away to when things are hard, or it's the monster of time that you fear looking back at. There are good ones, there are bad ones, but everything passes by and when you look back you feel astonished with how much a few months or a year can change.

Some days you wake up deciding you want a haircut; you want to give yourself that haircut. You know exactly what you want and you know very well nobody can give you that haircut but your hands. You know that this is not just a haircut, but a symbol of change, I consider it a way of redemption, others think it's a statement. You can call it whatever you want, but I know that this haircut is a change within, a light from inside. I am not that person, not anymore. My thoughts are not underestimated, my words cannot be ridiculed. And even though I am vulnerable, I am not weak; and Tegan can see, understand, and respect that.

"You cut your hair," Tegan comments when she spots me in the bathroom with the scissors in my hand.

"Yes." I smile at my new bowl cut well-reflected in the mirror along with my girlfriend's stunned face. "You don't like it?"

"I do," Tegan says. "I always do."

I look back at her, tracing my collarbones. "You know, I thought it's a nice change. I wanted something new. I thought that, well, I just turned thirty yesterday, I'm writing my MA thesis, I am better now. I stopped the meds and I'm in shape once again. I've never been happier, so why keep that sad fringe covering my face? I mean, God, it's been there since what? 2008? Yeah, 2010 is almost over. I want to look fresh."

She puts both hands on my exposed arms, tracing each new piece of ink there, noticing the differences that are covering my body, not only my mind; reading with details, reading with admiration. "I love you, and I'm happy with each change and each step you take. I don't even care what you do to your looks or body, I just care whether you're happy or not, comfortable or not, hurt or not." I brush the few hairs covering her eyes, pushing them back with a gentle caress that makes her close her sleepy eyes.

"What if I get a clit piercing?" Her eyes widen, making me laugh while stroking her hair. While I cut mine short, hers is getting long and neat.

"I think my clit is welcoming that as we speak." Her two tired eyes look down at my bra-covered breasts while I laugh at her remark.

"Oh, honey, keep on dreaming." I give her a wink, searching for my shirt. "Let's go get you something to eat. I've made some nice ribs today. You'll love me."

"I already love you so much, but I think I just love you a little bit more."

And so days pass by with normal domesticity any lesbian lovers would wish for. The calm before the storm, I believe. There is always a little calm out there to prepare you for a greater blow. However, this calm seems like it's taking too long, which means a greater storm will be happening. I'm not sure if Emy is right and the reason I am happy and satisfied right now is because I have finally let go of the need of finding my birth parents, or it's because I am destined to meet a disaster I will never be able to overcome. Emy tells me I am anxious, and my anxiety puts me in unlucky situations, and if I stopped thinking of bad things, they would not come my way. However, I know better than Emy because I'm the one who is majoring in Psychology. I know for a fact such conceptions are not true; human beings try to convince themselves with them. I have an intuition, and my intuition is never wrong. I wish it is, but I know it's not.

However, I don't wait for the bad to happen this time. I know it's out there around me so I try to embrace it. I live my life normally in preparation for the blow. I hear different news each day, bad news, good news, but I know the blow is out there. What is it, God? What is it?

After I graduate from graduate school, I start to feel the dark shadow that surrounds me. I start to feel the quietude that's starting to hover over my girlfriend. I start to read her slowly. When 2011 approaches, different awful circumstances surround us. Sonia and Stephen break up again. Tegan tries to know why, but none of them tell her. My back begins to act up again. I discover another inflammation in my right hip that needs to be treated with heavy doses of cortisone. Emy and Amber's relationship falls down and crumbles in front of my eyes as I try to help them get through their differences each day while chatting with them. Emy does not want to give up her stubbornness; does not want to give in to the fact that if they want to have kids, she has to carry because her girlfriend is not fertile.

Between being a shrink to my friends, and, practically, a housewife to my girlfriend, I begin a small business of online therapy that occupies my entire time while Tegan at work. Even though it does not pay well, it makes me forget about the recurrent pain in my hip whenever I sit and do nothing.

Sometimes Tegan returns home with a good mood and we go out for dinner or go to the movies, other times she comes back masked with Satan's wrath so she decides to hide in bed with tears in her eyes. I go to comfort her when she calms down. When I see her playing with Cyndi, I know it's the right time to talk to her. She rants about her days, eats, then sleeps while I give her a massage.

At other rare times, like today, she stands with a frown on her face in front of my disheveled, smelly body while I clean in the afternoon. I sigh and wipe the sweat off my brow when I look at her. "What happened?" I ask.

"I hate my job," she says. "God, I'm so tired. I'm tired. I'm tired, okay?" She sighs exasperatedly, walking towards me. "I wanna go on vacation."

"Tee, come on. You're a manager. Calm down, take some break, everything will be alright."

"Why can't I sit at home and do nothing?"

"Because you had a dream and you're making it come true."

"But people suck," she whines. "Corporate sucks. "I suck."

"Well, somehow you're good at sucking, otherwise you wouldn't be handling a big project right now and we wouldn't have gotten that much money in the bank right now." She sighs, putting her head on my shoulder. "Babe, I'm cleaning."

"I'm hungry," she says.

"I haven't cooked. Let me clean, it's still afternoon."

"But I'm hungry, Sasa, please."

"Tegan, I'm dirty and I smell. I still have to shower then think of something to make. I didn't know you were getting back early. You can order or cook something yourself. If you're too exhausted and too hungry, just boil some eggs."

"Eww, eggs." She wrinkles her nose.

"What's wrong with eggs?" I ask while sweeping the kitchen's floor.

She sits on the counter. "I don't want eggs. I'm craving something…I don't know, something good that you can make."

"Well, deal with it today. I don't work for you. I've been having a terrible day. I wasn't even gonna make anything to be honest with you. I was going to boil eggs."

"What's wrong?" she asks me, alerted and concerned. "Are you okay?"

"My back, Tegan. It's hurting me."

She gets off the kitchen counter in order to walk up to me. She takes the mop away and I try to reach for it, but she puts it behind her back. "Stop cleaning. That's why your back is always hurting you. You never listen, you have to exhaust yourself."

"Tegan, come on. Give me, I'm almost done."

"No. It's clean as fuck, I can see my reflection." She throws the mop on the floor and holds my hands to ban me from picking it up. "Nah ah. You're not cleaning. Look at me."

"Tegan," I say irritatingly.

"Nope." She backs me up against the counter. "No more cleaning, stinky head."

"Shut up. I didn't know you were coming."

"I'm glad I caught you in your natural state of scruffiness." She wraps her arms around me while pushing me against the counter, making me giggle with each sweet peck. "I'm sorry for the little attitude. I know you don't work for me."

"It's okay." She kisses me again, a bit longer, making me give up and wrap my arms around her. Her hand sneaks up to my short hair, brushing it softly.

"Do you know you're a turn on like that?" I hum, shaking my head teasingly. "With your hair all sweaty and your shirt stuck to your body. I fucking love it."

"Are you trying to win your way inside my pants with flattery, little girl?" I touch her shaggy locks, ruffling them to increase the torture she's in.

"Oh my God," she exclaims with laughter. "Don't call me little girl. You know what it does to me."

"Well, you're not getting anything right now." I pick up the mop and walk out of the kitchen into the long hallway towards the bathroom. "Not before I get a bath and relax."

"Yes, ma'am."

I begin to undress myself, watching her do the same. "Are you going to join me?"

"If you don't mind?"

"I don't." I grin at her while removing my underwear.

I brush her shaggy shoulder-length hair while she sits between my legs in the tub. I hear the soft sighs of burdened lungs coming out of her mouth.

"Do you like my hair?" she asks, suddenly looking at me with small, glassy eyes.

"I love your hair."

"At work they call it soccer mum hair."

I chortle a little bit before saying, "I think I have that, too."

She looks up at me once again to inspect my locks. "It's cute. Better than the bowl-cut."

"Ahhh." I tsk amusingly. "So you hated the bowl cut."

"No," she says. "This is not very different, to be honest. Just a little neater. It's still short, still hot. But it's better than the bowl cut. It makes you, you know, more mature."

"Older, perhaps?"

"Well, yeah."

"You like that, don't you." I wink at her. "Me looking older than you."

"You are older than me." She winks back.

She turns around to face me with a bright smile on her face. We look at each other for a few seconds before jumping at each other to French kiss till our mouths are tired. When we're done, we wash our bodies and dry them then move to our bedroom with a clear understanding of what we both want.

Making sure the cat is nowhere in sight, we lie on our mattress and resume our kissing with hands discovering our damp skin. It's marvelous that after all these years we are still astonishingly captivated with what the other offers. Tegan at twenty-five is honestly the hottest woman my eyes have fallen on. Her body is a wonderland, a heaven, a pure paradise offered for me each night to touch and caress. I've known her since she was eighteen, and now she is a responsible adult, a mature woman who is not afraid to show weaknesses and admit to making mistakes.

"I want to please you," she mumbles softly while kissing me.

"Yeah, I want that, too." I kiss her nose before she gets up to bring a toy from our closet.

She chooses my favorite toy; the yellow dildo. I spread my legs, ignoring the pain surging through my body. We makeout while she fucks my cunt using her hand. She thrusts quickly, reaching the spots I want. We both look down between my legs while she rubs my clit and pushes in and out with speed and vigor. My swollen parts are red from arousal and my nipples are sharp and hard between my squeezing fingers. Whenever I approach my climax, she slows down to increase the feeling, which only makes me shriek and moan pathetically. She takes a nipple in her mouth biting into it while I continue rolling the other between my thumb and index. She pushes the toy farther in and rolls it inside me, allowing me to finally experience the joy of the release I've been waiting for. I fall down on my pillow panting and pleading for air. I close my eyes and legs as the pain spreads between them and in my lower back.

She kisses me like she does each night till my head stops buzzing and my mind sobers up. "Back?" she asks the way she does after each intercourse. I nod with closed eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'll get the gel." I groan in protest because I detest its smell.

"I'm so sorry, I can't touch you. I feel so exhausted," I inform her while she rubs the cold, comforting gel on my lower back.

"Oh babe, I've come already."

"You have?"

"Mhm."

"How?" I look back at her flushed face. She shrugs bashfully. "You were that aroused?"

"Yes," she says quietly. "Sara?"

"Yes, honey."

"I…I think I…"

"Yes?" I wait for her to speak, but her eyes shift and dim all of a sudden, refusing to let me inside her mind even though I know exactly what's there.

"It's…it's nothing."

"Tell me," I encourage.

She sighs. "It's nothing, really. I'll talk to you about it later. Maybe tonight." I know what's on her mind, but I want her to speak about it before I force her to do so, so I give in and nod, smiling at her. It's always good to give her space, give her the time to talk when she is ready; she has to feel free, not forced.

"Whatever suits you, babe." I grab her face and pull her down to peck her lips. "I'm always ready to hear it, alright?" She nods with bitten lips. "You're still hungry?"

"Very much." She bites her lower lip. "But not for eggs."

"Wanna order something?"

"I'm craving Chinese food."

"Chinese food it is."

While having our meal in the living room and watching a movie like any ordinary couple, time decides to spice the dull ticking hands by giving us a call from our best friend. Crying hysterically into the speakers, Emy informs us that she and her wife are going to end their marriage.

"Calm down," Tegan says sternly. "Calm down and speak slowly."

"Em, honey, calm down, please," I say.

"I can't, I can't." She sniffles and sobs. "I can't deal with it. I'm…I'm coming over."

"Emy," says Tegan.

"I'm coming over to you guys. Is that okay? I have to see you. I can't be alone with my mind right now."

"It's okay. Of course it's okay." I glare at my girlfriend's annoyed face, hearing her soft sigh of defeat and watching her slow nod of surrender.

"You're welcomed here anytime, Emy," says Tegan.

"Th…thank you guys," says Emy.

"Everything will be alright, don't worry," says Tegan.

"Yes, honey, everything will be fixed, I promise you," I say.

We look at each other, knowing our promises are lies.


	28. Chapter 28

**It's going to be a lot like Catharsis in these couple upcoming chapters. I have talked about that before. I am a terrible writer, I know. PS: the awaited drama is VERY close in case anyone still reads this. If you do, kindly review. Thank you guys. I can't believe I've been writing this for the past two years and I haven't given up on it. XOXO**

* * *

**Tegan**

**June 2012**

We prepare the house for Emy's arrival, but, most importantly, we prepare our unnerved selves for the upcoming hurricane. We have not seen our best friend since we left Vancouver a few years ago. It's been a long time. All three of us have aged, grown, and become mature. Sara, specifically, has become wiser and stronger, which makes me feel better about Emy's visit.

It's not necessarily bad that she is visiting, and it's not necessary that we are going to engage in sexual activities like we used to; but there is something about her coming that leaves both Sara and I a bit restless. It's a vibrating energy that tells us the storm is coming.

The atmosphere is quiet and calm when we pick up Emy from the airport. She hugs us both, crying heavily on our ironed clothes. Her eyes scan both of us when we let go as she utters her first _'wow,' _glancing at the prominent changes on our looks and bodies.

"Wow," she says again, out of breath, face flushed. "You guys look different but still the same somehow." Sara and I both laugh. "Wow," she repeats. "I missed you so much."

"We missed you, too," my girlfriend's soft voice answers her.

We eat dinner at our house and talk about the reason Emy's here. Sara and I sit close to each other while she faces us with a pale face and a defeated composure. Her long hair needs lots of taming, her eyes need makeup.

"Amber hates me," she says.

"I'm pretty sure she doesn't," Sara says.

"Yeah, she kinda does."

"Can you tell us everything from the start so we can help you?" I say.

"There's nothing to say that you don't know about. We've been trying to have a baby. She can't, so she wants me to carry instead. I don't want to, so she assumes I don't love her. She kicked me out of the house. I came here. We're gonna get a divorce."

Silence occupies a few minutes as Sara and I think of solutions to fix our friend's problem. The slow chewing of food rings in my ears as I imagine what I've been pondering about for the past few months. I look at Sara's deadpan face, then glance back at Emy.

"Why are you so opposed to the idea of carrying?" I ask her.

"I am not opposed to it," she answers. "I am just not ready for it. I don't think I can do it."

"I don't get it," I say, getting a foot kick from Sara. "I mean, you're ready to have a baby with her but not be the one carrying it? Or you're not ready to have a baby?"

"No, I want a baby right now." She rubs her forehead, trying to find the right words to convince me. Sara looks at me with a glare. Am I being pushy? I just don't understand what she wants is all. "I am not sure I can do the whole biological mother thing, the carrying, giving birth, breastfeeding, you know. My body and heart are not ready for that. I want to have a baby now but I want my partner to be the one who does these things." Tears start falling from her ocean-like eyes. Guilt begins to crown me. "The thing is there is nothing wrong with her, all the doctors said she's fine, it's just not happening for some reason unknown, and I've been convincing her to wait but she thinks I don't lover her enough."

"Emy," Sara speaks, "she knows you love her, we all know you love her, maybe you two need some time off in this particular moment to…to think things over. I don't think you two want to get a divorce, I just think you need a break to be with yourselves, to think better. Breaks always help, trust me."

After dinner Emy asks us to use the bathroom for a shower. We show her the guest bedroom and how to use the coffee machine in the morning. Sara kisses me in the kitchen as soon as we hear the bathroom's door closing. The gesture takes me by surprise, so I push her body against the counter to add to her kiss, suddenly heat and lust take over my entire body.

She pulls away smiling, but I kiss more and whenever she pulls away to grasp her breath, I push her for another kiss. We don't talk about it when we depart; we know that these kisses are a display of our passion; her thanking me for my change, my aid, and I thanking her for her patience and love.

I leave the kitchen to sit with Emy in the living room when she leaves the shower with hair wet and dripping on our couch, and eyes red and teary. I sit closer to Emy this time while my girlfriend prepares some drinks and snacks for the night.

"She's changed," Emy says in a whisper.

"Yeah, she has changed."

"She looks different, sounds different, she's aging."

"Her back isn't good," I say. "She looks older than she is, older than she feels."

"No, she looks young, her body looks older."

"I still love her." I shrug. "I love her more than ever. I don't care about her body, her face, or any of that."

"I know that." Emy chuckles. "I can see that." I smile at her politely, not knowing what to say. "I love you, guys. I love you so much." I'm not sure what kind of love she refers to, is it the past love? The sexual love? Is it just some platonic love? Is it friendly love?

We drink wine and eat some chips then fall asleep in our rooms. I go to work in the morning and when I get back, Sara and I take our friend out to the bar to free her soul out of sorrows for a temporary amount of time.

We lose ourselves in drinks and laughter but not enough to lose our sanity. However, when we get home, Emy asks for the unavoidable matter that we've feared from the start.

"You guys once promised me you'll always help me when I'm in need," Emy says before we get into our bedrooms.

"But Emy," Sara hesitates.

"You have Amber," I say.

"And we are in a monogamous relationship," Sara says.

"I know." Emy begins to cry. "It's not a sexual thing, it's a cleansing matter, I swear. I need it. I haven't had sex since a year ago."

"You're kidding," I say loudly, getting another foot kick from Sara. This time Emy notices it. "Sorry."

Emy shrugs. "Why? I told you Amber hates me. I just need it from my best friends, the people I trust most. Please, just this time, this one last time. It won't happen again. I won't ask for it again if you help me out tonight."

Maybe we haven't gotten intoxicated with alcohol, but after Sara and I discuss Emy's request separately in our bedroom, and agree to do what she's asked from us, I get absorbed in the sensation of memory loss for the past few years as soon as I end up naked with my girlfriend and our best friend right on our mattress.

Emy sits between Sara's legs, her back against Sara's chest while I lower myself between her legs. It feels as if I can hear the heartbeat of every woman in this room, but I know it's just mine. I have never cheated on Sara even in our darkest times. The only woman I slept with other than Sara since Sara and I have been together is Emy, and here I am again, sleeping with a grown up Emy, with her larger thighs, longer hair, and fuller breasts. Till this day, Emy has preserved her beauty; my juices are thick between my folds as I stare at her attractive parts.

While my lips hug her engorged clit, my eyes focus on her lips locked with Sara's. The way their eyes are closed, their hands touching each other's skin and their tongues swaying in peaceful harmony makes me full of rage, not because I'm jealous, but because I want to give Emy that same feeling Sara's giving her. I perfect my touches as if she is Sara. I close my eyes and dive in between her saturated lips. My tongue moves around till I fill her hole. I touch her clit with my fingers and squeeze, suddenly hearing a small squeal. I open my eyes, watching her eyes focused on me, mouth wide open, and nipples pinched tightly between Sara's fingers. The scene makes my hole ache.

When I make her come, she kneels down, grabs my face and kisses me with unfathomable passion that I feel my entire body on pins and needles.

I find myself on the mattress on top of my girlfriend suddenly. We start making out and rocking our bodies together. Before I can touch her folds, I feel an eerie pressure against my back. I turn around to watch our friend strapped, ready to lie on top of me from behind.

"Emy," I voice pathetically. "Wh…what are you doing?"

"I want to return the favor."

Before I can say no, Sara speaks through her sloppy, hungry kisses, "It's okay." Lust is taking over us, and I can't say no to lust when my nirvana's slowly crawling up to the seventh heaven.

"Sara," Emy says breathlessly, "get her pussy and I'll fuck her ass." I moan just hearing these words. It's been forever since Sara and I talked like that to each other. All of a sudden the spark is enlightened, twitching, glowing around us. Something steers us like animals in a fight. Sara's fingers fill me and Emy's toy makes me shriek when she pushes in. I am squeezed between two bodies, their heat and heady scents are hugging me. It feels like a ship swaying in the ocean, like someone wrapping their cautious arms around m; protection from each side, safety and pleasure.

When I come, they both leave me lying on top of Sara for a few minutes to get my strength back.

Emy chooses the yellow dildo to fuck Sara while I sit beside my girlfriend, kissing her the way she was kissing Emy. When her moans become louder, I lower my face against her chest and begin fondling her breasts with my mouth. I suck the two nipples and knead the heavy mounds. She touches my breasts in return, looking at them while kneading and playing with the jewelry. She closes her eyes with every push, hissing slightly. I look at Emy, noticing how fast and hard she is thrusting, making Sara's body shake. To help Sara reach her orgasm, I hug her right tit with my lips and suck as hard as I can, hearing her screams and moans of pleasure.

"Thank you," Emy says amidst the silence that follows the sex. "I needed that. I needed it so much."

"Are you okay, Tee?" Sara asks me, probably because my breath is still hitched and heavy.

"Yeah," I say. "I haven't had anal sex for a long time."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Emy says, sitting up. "Did I hurt you? Push you over the limits?"

"No."

Emy starts to cry. "I'm sorry, guys. I feel guilty I made you do this. It won't happen again, but I feel better."

"Don't cry," Sara whispers. "We're okay with it."

"Yes, we are. We wanted to help."

"It won't affect your relationship? I didn't think of that."

I look at Sara, smile at her, watch her own weak smile, then we kiss each other. "It won't, don't worry," I tell our friend.

Emy leaves us alone in our bedroom and heads to the guest bedroom. I move closer to Sara's body and kiss her exposed pale shoulder. She hums softly in return. "I knew that was gonna happen," I say. "Yet, I didn't think it would mean absolutely nothing to me."

"Yeah. I had a feeling," Sara says. "I'm sorry."

"It was nice and I needed it. I thought it would make me feel jealous and angry like those old times. I just feel relaxed and good."

She looks at me with her blazing orbs, she tries to read me and analyze my expressions in case I'm hiding lies I don't want to express. "You're totally fine?"

"Yes," I answer. "Are you?"

She nods, smiling. Her hand reaches my hair to push my fringe behind my red ears. "I love you," she whispers.

I kiss her shoulder again, too tired to move my body closer to her face.

"It won't happen again, though," she says. "I don't want anything to stand in our way. It always starts fun and nice and then it ends up bad. I just want the nice part; I don't want it to end up like last time."

"Of course. I know what you mean. I don't think she wants more than tonight, too. She really loves Amber."

"Yeah," Sara mumbles, "she does."

In the morning, we find Emy in the living room playing with Cyndi. Sara sits beside her while I make coffee and breakfast, hearing the small chat about Emy missing Amber. None of us talk about the night before. It's as if it hasn't even happened. The night before didn't move any kind of frustrated emotion within me, but it made the urge to talk to Sara about what's in my mind grow bigger. I am becoming impatient, waiting for Emy to leave, waiting for the right moment, fearing my girlfriend's reaction.

Later in the day Sara, Emy, and I walk around the streets of NYC so our friend can discover the city and buy a few things for _home_ (which means Amber but she is too upset to admit that she loves her and thinks about her constantly). Part of me believes Emy regrets sleeping with us more than anything, the other part thinks she's thankful because it made her realize she has no feelings for anyone other than Amber, my other parts feel sorry for her and kind of guilty because maybe we shouldn't have let it happen; after all, she's still married to the other woman despite them not talking to each other.

I don't know about Sara's thoughts on the topic and, honestly, I'm too scared to open up the subject. Sometimes it's good to keep some stuff unsaid, that's what these six years with Sara have taught me.

"Tegan, I'm getting tired, can we sit?" Sara asks while we are walking with shopping bags in our hands.

"How about you guys get back and I'll continue my shopping spree? I kinda want to be alone with myself," Emy suggests.

"No," I say, "you won't know the way back home. There's a restaurant down the street. Sara and I will sit there and eat something. It's easier for you to meet us there than back home." Sara nods in agreement. "Plus, Sara's too tired. I don't think she can walk all the way back to the apartment."

"Yeah, my back is giving up on me," Sara mutters, her terrible mood crystal clear on her facial expressions.

As soon as we sit down, Sara swallows two pills of painkillers and half a bottle of water.

"Are you okay? Do you want us to go to the clinic?"

"No, no," she says quickly. "I'm fine. I'm just sore."

"Oh."

She nods, looking at the menu. "God, I'm hungry. Want something to eat?"

"Yeah, I could eat."

Sara orders her usual Caesar Salad while I choose a cheeseburger sandwich with extra fries, knowing salad will not fill Sara's appetite and she'll end up hogging all my fries. We eat in semi-silence; a small child from the table behind keeps poking my arm and then hiding his face. I look back and giggle, so he giggles, too. The first time he does it, I give him some fries, so he does it again and again. His mother apologizes and picks him up when he gestures that he wants to be picked by me.

"I'm so sorry. He's just a year and a half old," his mother says while he throws a tantrum in her arms. "I should never go out with him, it's embarrassing. Kids are embarrassing."

"No, no, it's fine. He's adorable." I look at Sara, who's smiling politely without saying any word. "He didn't bother us."

"Thank you. I'm glad," the mother says. "Have a nice day."

When the mother and her child leave, Sara gives me the strangest look with the wickedest smirk I have seen on her face since I first met her in 2004.

"What?" I say with a mouth full of meat.

She laughs loudly. "Don't chew and talk." I squint at her, which makes her laugh more. By now I know my face is red, I know I'm exposed. Fucking psychology people. "Finally got you alone to talk to you."

"Yeah?" I play dumb, even though I know she can see through me.

"Yup." She sips her orange juice, prolonging the silence to squeeze the confession out of me. She follows the same method as my mother, sometimes I feel like I am facing Sonia. When my mother was her age, she acted the same way; she even looked the same way. It's frightening. "So you don't want to tell me that you want a baby?"

I look at her for a few second, blink, then nod. "I do."

"I know." I shrug, looking down at my food. "You want us to make a baby, Tegan?"

I look up at her beautiful, vibrant smile; I look at the hope radiating from her eyes. "Yes, I want a baby with you."

"You want to carry?"

"I do." I pause. "I mean, if you want…it's okay."

"No, I don't think I can with my back." She chuckles lightly. "Plus, I have lots of pills that I shouldn't stop taking."

"What about me? I take pills, too. I mean that's what's scaring me, not taking them and then going crazy again."

"You're not crazy. You won't go crazy," Sara says. "We have to talk about this and discuss it well with Dr. Philips, but before all that we have to get you checked up to make sure everything is fine and your body's ready to carry."

"I have to tell Jeremy, too. To ask him, I mean." She raises her eyebrows. "I want him to be the donor; I thought I told you that before."

"Yeah, you did."

"Is there a problem with that? You want someone else?" My heart isn't beating, no it's racing with my words, with my thoughts, with everything; it's going to stop soon. Something's going to happen, something bad, I know it. Things can't be this easy. She doesn't want Jeremy.

"There's no one in mind, really. I just need to, uh, absorb all that. I need Emy to leave, too," she says. "You know, so we can talk about it more. I don't want you to tell her."

"Of course not."

"Or anyone."

"Why?" I ask in confusion.

"We can't tell anyone until it's real. I want it to be real."

"I want it to be real, too," I say. "But I want to tell my mother."

"But she'll make a big deal out of it," Sara says, "and what if something goes wrong? I don't want anything to go wrong." Sara's as scared, excited, and lost as I am. I take a deep breath and agree to what she says. It's so quick and so sudden that I can't fathom it at all.

_What about our relationship?_ I haven't thought of that until she asks me in bed while we're trying to sleep.

"What about it?" I ask back.

"We're not…married."

"Oh."

"No, don't get me wrong. You know I'm not too yay on marriage but I mean, that, if you want us to get married to feel safer, I wouldn't mind it."

"You know I'm not yay on marriage at all, though."

"Okay." She takes a deep breath. "That makes me feel better."

Before I close my eyes and end this day, I ask, "Are you sure you're okay with us being just girlfriends and starting a family? I just want things to go smooth for both of us."

"Yes, Tegan," she mumbles, "I'm sure." She pauses for a moment then continues, "What would a piece of paper even change? We're better than any married couple, take Emy and Amber for example."

"Or my mum and dad." I laugh.

"Exactly." She yawns. "We have to do lots of thinking and consulting in the next few weeks."

"Do you think we can, uh, get it done, like next month when I'm ovulating or am I in too much of a hurry?"

"Honestly," she says with another yawn, "the faster the better." I open my tired eyes and search for her face in the dark. "I've been planning to talk to you about it since I saw your Google search history last month, but I was afraid. I'm getting bored at the house alone, and Cyndi's stupid." She laughs slightly. "I hope I'm not just rambling while you're asleep, but yeah, I want a little human to take care of. I'm getting older and this motherly instinct suddenly feels too strong."

Her words move me in different ways that I forget sleep. I lie on top of her, making her gasp. I start kissing her to awaken her needs. We end up making clam and quick love while our friend is asleep in the room opposite to ours. Both of us wake up with better moods in the morning, knowing there is something waiting for us. Even though our fear that the hope we have might take an ugly turn with disappointment is dancing in the background, we are remaining hopeful.

Two days later, after an extremely emotional video call between Emy and Amber, Emy decides to get back to Canada because the break is shattering her relationship more than it is helping it restore the previous fire.

As soon as Emy leaves, Sara and I head to our gynecologist to get tested. Three days after, I receive the results: I am fertile, perfectly healthy; my body's more than ready to procreate. Therefore, we call Jeremy as soon as we finish screaming idiotic songs on the way back home.

"Yes," Jeremy says.

"Yes?" I holler.

"Yes," he repeats.

"Yes?" Sara says again, calmer this time. "Are you sure? Really?"

"Yes," he says again with laughter. "Let's be real, I never thought you were serious, but I promised I'd help when you needed," he continues. "Plus...my sperm is more than ready."

"Eww, keep it to yourself, dude."

"Umm, I think you want it in you more than you want me to keep it to myself."

"Jeremy, please," Sara says. "I don't want to think of your sperm in my girlfriend's vagina for the love of God."

"But that's how it's going to happen, genius."

"We know," I say. "But we don't need the visuals and description you're giving us, we just had lunch."

"You two are too gay for me."

"Says the gay dude," Sara comments.

We have sex in great abundance these few weeks. Fear is still smirking in the back but we're trying to ignore his mocking shadow.

Before we start anything, we decide to consult Dr, Philips about the alternative medication I can take to stay mentally healthy and stable.

"I encourage this move, Tegan." Sara squeezes my hand with a smile on her bright face. "Your hormones and emotional state will alter slowly throughout pregnancy. However, I want to you know that it might take you some time to get pregnant because what you are taking works as birth control for some women, and you could be one of them. Is there any way we can find out if it is or not, not really. You just have to try." I look at Sara, whose smile has disappeared and brows have risen. "As for a substitute, then you don't need to worry about that at all. I am going to prescribe another medication that works with pregnancy; however, you will need to increase your therapy sessions as soon as maternity starts because the emotional state that you will be in throughout the nine months might be hard for you to adjust to, and it's not because there's something wrong with you alone, but I believe every woman should seek therapy while she is carrying, it's healthier for the mind and body."

We return home with despondent hearts and anxious minds. When I refuse to eat dinner, Sara hugs me, whispering soothing words in my ears, "She didn't say you can't carry. She said it will take some time." She sighs. "Actually, she said it might."

"She's right, though. I was just too happy that I fucking started imagining turning the guest bedroom into a freaking nursery. It's too soon. We can't do anything until I am actually knocked up."

"And you will be, very soon. Jeremy's coming in two days. You're ovulating next week. You never know."

I shake my head. "No, she's right. It's going to take time, Sara. I don't even know what my body is like. I could be like Amber or Jane."

"Hey, Jane has a baby now." Sara strokes my hair, laughing at my silliness, or trying to pretend that it is silly that I am worrying when it is actually true what I am apprehending.

This next week passes by slowly and with too much intensity that I break down three times at work in front of Joe, which makes me start worrying about something else; work and pregnancy, work and a child. Sara can't do it all alone, can she? I also break down in front of Jeremy and Sara while we discuss the matter. They comfort me, but it's hard for me to relax.

I lose sleep for an entire week till the day comes and we head to the gynecologist to get started with the process.

"It's not going to hurt," Sara whispers, holding my hand. "Let go of my hand, I want to see when she does it." Sara laughs.

"No, please stay here." I know it's probably amusing my doctor and my girlfriend that I am crying with fear in my eyes, but I can't control any of my emotions at this particular moment. It feels like I am possessed with the need to have a child and the fear of having it all at once.

"You won't feel it," the doctor says. "Relax, close your eyes." Sara rubs my hand as I close my eyes, or, actually, squeeze them shut. I feel a hand on my thigh, knowing too well it's my girlfriend's, stopping me from shaking. "Open your eyes."

"You're done?" I say with squinted eyes.

"Yes," Sara says. I open my eyes fully, watching my girlfriend smiling. She leans down to kiss me. "Did you feel it?"

"No," I say in astonishment, making my doctor laugh. "Is it going to work?" I say loudly, like a little kid.

"You have to wait and find out."

"Great, so now I'm going to wait for my period, hoping it won't come then get shocked when I see blood down my underwear," I ramble to Sara in the car as she drives us back home. "Fuck, watch out," I yell.

"Don't talk with that voice; I'm trying to fucking get past that motherfucker. You fucking piece of shit, move," Sara screams. "I hate New Yorkers." We both chortle as we escape another one of Sara's almost accidents. She can win the award of worst driver in history and wouldn't feel bad about it; because she is plain horrible and I wouldn't trust her driving without me by her side. However, I encouraged her to get her license a year ago even though she didn't want to. Frankly, it was about time, and now I am thankful she took her license because with a possible child, we need another person who can drive.

"Do you think I'm pregnant now?" I ask.

"Maybe," she mutters. "I want you to lie down on your back and raise your legs when we get back."

"Haven't I done a lot of that at the clinic? What does it even do anyway?"

"I don't know," Sara says with a shrug. "It pushes the sperm in or something like that. We'll Google it at home."

"Can we order food, please?"

"Sure, but not Mexican, pizza, Chinese, or Indian."

"Then what? Nothing's left."

"I don't know. Uhh…" She pauses, thinking. "Pasta."

"Noooo," I whine. "Don't you get sick of pasta?"

"Don't you get sick of pizza?" she asks.

"Nope."

"Well, nope, too," she says mockingly. I pinch her arm playfully, making her squeal.

When we get back, we forget about food and have sex for three hours. Before falling asleep, I ask, "Do you think I'm pregnant?"

"If I had a dick, you would be."

I guffaw, slapping her arm in the dark.

"Oww," she screams. "You slapped my boob."

"That's your boob?" I touch her breast again, laughing obnoxiously to tease her. "I was like why is her arm so fluffy, but yeah it's just the boob."

"Shut up." She slaps my breast in return, making me scream. "See, it hurts."

"Fuck, you know what I just remembered?"

"What?"

"I'll have to remove the jewelry if I get pregnant because my nipples will probably be very sore."

"Yes," Sara says.

"Will milk ooze out of three holes?"

"You're weird. I didn't even think of that," Sara mumbles through her loud yawn.

"You know what; I should stop thinking about that. It didn't even happen yet."

"Yes, go to sleep. You have to go to work in the morning."

"Fuck you for reminding me." I turn around, burying my face in my pillow.

"I love you, too, Teetee."

I hear her soft sigh before we end the night, smiling that we have reached this state of love and trust in our relationship that took us back to joking, mocking, and teasing. I never thought this could happen, never thought we'd overcome our sorrows and issues, but here we are now, waiting for a possible child while burying our fears beneath our bed.

Work is tiring as usual, but it passes by quickly because we spend it in meetings as we study our plans for the second half of 2012 and the first half of 2013. If I end up being pregnant, the next year will be one heck of a tiring, exhausting year; but I am more than ready to tackle it the way I am imagining in my head.

"So I will send Joe, Catherine, Ryan, and Dorothy to Beijing in two weeks for the Annual Exchange Program," I tell a few of my employees in the last meeting of the day. "I know it's a long trip, but I trust you four to represent our company the way your colleagues did last year."

"Ms. Rain, why not choose them again?" Joe asks.

"I don't like choosing the same people over again. We are a global company, we are well-known, we have our name and we have many employees. Sending the same people again will give us a bad image, people notice these things. We want insurance companies to trust us, and that's by sending different people each year to show that we trust our employees, and that's the truth. If we don't trust every employee working for us, other companies won't trust us to handle their finances."

"How long is it going to be?" Dorothy asks.

"A month. Might get extended fifteen days like they do each year, so about forty-five days."

"That's a very long time, boss," Joe says.

"I know that. I know you have children, Joe. But you know this is a great opportunity for you, and the trip means extra payment over two months' salaries." The four cheer, Dorothy and Catherine high-five each other. "Is that a good deal?"

"A great deal," Joe says.

When I get home, I find Sara crying a fountain with our cat in her hands. What rushes to mind, for sure, are the possible injuries, pains, or issues expected from Sara.

"My dad is very ill," Sara says with heavy tears streaming down her face. "The doctors say he's going to pass away soon."

I can provide nothing but solace and comfort hearing these bad news. For two days straight, Sara doesn't stop crying. If she stops, she shouts and yells at silly things like my dirty shoes on the carpet, my dirty laundry with my clean clothes, using her creams with unwashed hands, and so on.

"Be patient with her," my mum says. "You've been patient throughout all that you guys have been through, but now you're angry? It's the first death in her family, it's normal. You cried over your grandmother like that, remember?"

"I was close to mama; she's not very close to her dad, that's what's confusing me."

"That's mean of you to say. It's her father." Mum doesn't know it's not her real father, she doesn't know Sara's sadness is the outcome of her guilt that she tried to push him away all these years by trying to find her birth parents, she doesn't know that I am angry because Sara has not even thought to ask about me, possibly, being pregnant. I know nothing is clear yet, but I expected her to care more about it.

After four days, Sara's tears halt when her mother tells her that her father is getting better. "But they said…" She sighs, nodding. "Okay." I look at her while reading the book in my hand. "Okay, I'll try."

A week later, Sara still doesn't question whether I have started or not. I am a day late, which means absolutely nothing because I'm always late or early, never on time. However, by now, I am more than sure that Sara has forgotten about the entire pregnancy topic. I cry alone at work, knowing that Sara doesn't care at all about me and the possible fetus in my belly. Since Sara doesn't care, I decide not to get a pregnancy test so I wouldn't depress myself more with the probable negative result.

When I get back, I start to feel the pain of cramps, which makes me more upset, refusing to eat dinner. I cuddle up with Cyndi and hide in bed while Sara works on her computer. I take a two hours nap and wake up to Sara's gentle voice calling my name.

"Your dad's on the phone," she says.

"Put him on speakers," I mumble.

"Hey, Stephen, you're on speaker with Tegan."

"Tegan," my dad says.

"Hi, dad," I greet without any type of enthusiasm.

"What the hell did I hear about you not going to the Annual Exchange Program?"

"Yeah, I'm not going." I groan. "I chose Joe, Dorothy, Catherine, and Ryan."

"You are going," he says with a grave, determined octave. "This year you are going."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't leave Sara for a month and a half."

"Sara's a grown woman who can take care of herself." I look at Sara; she provides no expression that can show her reaction. "Listen, Tegan, you're going and that's final. The previous years I was okay with you not going only because you and your girlfriend had issues, she was physically unable to be on her own, and you were mentally unable to be away from her. You've been okay for the past two years, and it's time we send the GM of the branch, and that's you. Book your flight."

"But Dad, just let…"

"Work is work. I am not your father when it comes to work. Goodbye, Tegan."

When dad hangs up, Sara wraps her arms around my body as I start to cry. I don't know why his words make me cry, but somehow I can't stop. It's been a terrible week and his call made it worse. I'm not used to stay away from Sara. I can't stay away from her that much.

"Come with me," I whisper.

She shakes her head, kissing my temple. "I can't."

"Why?"

"I want to go see my parents. I want to see my dad." And here I thought she would be sad that I'm leaving, but I guess it makes her happier, this way she can see her father. It's not like I would have said no if she asked me if she could travel.

"Okay." I get up and head towards the bathroom.

"My father's dying," she tells me in bed at night. "I haven't been in the mood for anything, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. It's okay."

While packing my suitcase two days later, I place the box of tampons right on top of everything, just in case I get my period throughout the trip. I watch Sara staring at the box, waiting for her to ask, but the question never comes. If I haven't been disappointed before, this makes me spend my entire flight in tears that my girlfriend does not give a single fuck about starting a family with me.

Emy calls me the second morning in Beijing. "Is Sara okay?"

"Her dad is sick," I respond, lazily making my coffee because I feel too tired to get down and eat with my team in the hotel's restaurant.

"No, no, no. There is something wrong. I know Sara, something is bothering her."

"No, it's because Sander is dying. She's going to see her parents, I think in two days."

"She told me," Emy says. "Amber and I are working things out. Trying, actually."

"I'm happy for you," I say without any happiness in my voice.

"Are you and Sara okay?"

"Yes, why?"

"Something is going on."

"No, it's just jet-lag and I don't want to be in freaking China right now when my girlfriend is grieving."

"Okay." And that shuts Emy up.

A week later, I decide it's time to get a pregnancy test. Sneaking from the people with me is hard and I don't understand pharmacies in this place at all, so I end up postponing that project until I wake up two days later puking all the food I have consumed the previous day.

"Okay," I whisper to myself. "It's time." I'm not sure when women start getting morning sickness, but I feel like it's too fast. It's been only a little bit over three weeks since the insemination, it can't be that quick.

I sneak out of the hotel in the afternoon before our event. At this time everyone's in their rooms resting after a shopping spree that they usually take in the morning. I joined them twice and gave up after, deciding to video chat Sara or my mum in that time. Sara still hasn't brought up the pregnancy till now.

I return with three different tests. I'm not sure how accurate these are. I have about three hours of drinking water and peeing to find out. I decide to tell Sara what I'm doing, but my anger stops me. This moment should be shared, that's how I imagined it. We should be together, squealing, laughing, crying, and waiting; but she doesn't care.

When the three tests give me a positive result, I cry for an entire hour on the bathroom floor; part of it fear, part of it joy, the other is anger and sadness that my girlfriend probably does not want this child, does not care about it, does not care about the fact I am a little bit over three weeks pregnant.

I almost end up telling my mother that night but then I decide not to do that. The second day I wake up fine, without any morning sickness or strange feelings; however, I feel slight soreness in my breasts. Sara calls at 11:17 to inform me that her father has been hospitalized. When I hear her heavy cries, I forget about my anger, my pregnancy, and my sadness. Maybe she hasn't thought of it much because of that.

"I'm going to lose him any second now," she says through the phone. "I want you here with me more than anything now." Her hiccups are heartbreaking. I can't take them so I start crying with her.

"I'll be here as soon as I finish."

"It's a long time. Such a long time."

The pregnancy symptoms start to attack me in the next week. I wake up with sore breasts and terrible mood, and sleep with queasiness. I have never been on a trip as tiring as this and I should probably be resting. I have to stand on my feet for hours, meeting business men and business women, making connections and laughing at terrible jokes in a tight suit and uncomfortable shoes. When I enter my fifth week of pregnancy, I call my doctor to tell her the news because that's the only person I can trust at the moment. I ask her not to inform Sara.

"It's a surprise," I lie. If I tell her Sara's in the dark about it, hasn't even asked; she might be worried and might tell Sara. So this lie is much better.

"You need to get examined, to see how your body's working with the pregnancy. Be careful. I recommend getting back home and taking some time off. This is your first pregnancy and your symptoms seem strong."

In the sixth week, waking up is always followed by puking my guts out in the bathroom. Almost every smell makes me want to throw up that all my employees start wondering what's going on. One morning I wake up sore, tired, feeling like absolute death. I vomit for hours without any stop that I get a call from my father asking me if I am okay.

"Joe told me you've been sick."

"I'm fine," I say, groggily.

"Is it food poisoning? What did you eat?"

"I don't know. I think it is."

"Take the day off, stay in bed. Stay hydrated."

An hour later, mum calls to say the same things. I'm too tempted to tell her, but I don't want to explain. I don't want Sara to know until she decides to remember.

However, three days later, I get a call from Sara crying hysterically. "Dad passed away last night." I hear nothing but sobs and hiccups. "I went to get him water and when I got back he was dead. I'm terrified. His eyes were open."

I take the next flight to Toronto at night. I spend half the flight puking in the plane's bathroom and the other half crying from the pain and soreness I'm in.

When I get there, I find everyone in black, in tears, in misery. I hug Sara, who cries for hours on my shoulder till she falls asleep. Joy still hates me. When I ask her for a glass of water, she ignores me. Emy and Jane arrive the next morning for the funeral. I spend it in the bathroom throwing up with a bad fever.

"You seem tired," Sara says as we get ready for the funeral.

"Bad flight. Bad trip. So tiring."

After the funeral, Jessica comes up to me with a plate full of food. "You're making me worry. Please eat this. You've been puking all morning." She places her hand on my forehead. "Oh, dear, let's get you to bed, you're burning." As soon as I stand up, I lose balance and consciousness of what's around me. I fall down on the floor, making Sara scream from the opposite side of the room. Rob picks me up to Sara's bedroom, where I sleep immediately with cold, wet towels over my forehead.

I wake up in the morning just to puke then go back to bed as chilliness hit my body. Emy comes inside with a plate full of fruits. She helps me eat, but I end up emptying my stomach again. I wish I can tell her, I wish I can tell anyone, but Sara has to know first and it seems that Sara doesn't want to know.

"You should go to the doctor," Emy says. "Sara's too depressed to notice anything. Jessica will take you."

"I'm fine. It's just because of the flight and all."

By noon, I start to feel very sick. Fear and worry start to take control of me as pain takes over my body. Jessica comes inside to check on me, offering to take me to the doctor but I refuse. I take a nap and wake up to the sound of shouting.

"People die, that's life. People fucking die," Jessica's loud voice rings in my ears. "You're not twelve. He was sick. Stop doing that. You're blaming yourself over something you didn't do. Your partner is sick as fuck and all you care about right now is someone dead. He wouldn't want to see you in this fucking state, he would mock you, he would think you're a loser. Your partner is puking her guts out and you didn't go to your room once to check on her. You're sulking alone in the dining room as if it would get him back to life."

"Stop, fucking stop," Sara shouts back. "I am horrible, I know. I am fucking horrible. I always wanted to get rid of you and him and I feel terrible. And now I am being horrible to Tegan, and I don't know how to go there in the room and comfort her when I am this messy."

"He knows you loved him. He knows you appreciated everything he did and said to you, Sara. Don't do that to yourself."

"But he doesn't. That night before he died, he said that he knows he pushed me over my limits, made me hate myself, made me doubt myself, hurt myself, and that he was the reason what happened to me has happened. I couldn't even say no, because he asked for water and I got him water and he was dead. I just wanted to let him know that he did nothing of that, that without him, I wouldn't be where I am now." While my girlfriend cries right outside her bedroom, I cry softly in her bed.

Jessica calms her down some more, till they both come inside to find me awake. Sara kisses my dry lips, but I pull away quickly, turning my face with a groan. "I'm sorry," she says.

I ignore her sorry and jump up to run to the bathroom, once again freeing nothing but the remaining fluids in my stomach. "We should get you to the doctor," she says. I look back at her with a squint in an attempt to let her think about what she has said. She looks at me with a puzzled look, so I just shake my head. "Look, get some rest now. I'll get you some fluids. You have to drink something. In the morning we're getting you tested." The irony almost makes me laugh, almost makes me shout at her that I have been tested, but I say nothing instead.

I wake up to the nice breeze coming from the window and Emy's soft voice chatting with Jessica and Joy.

"Morning," Jessica says. I look at the three women sitting on Sara's bed, staring at me. "Sara went to run some errands, she said it's urgent." She shrugs.

"So we thought we'd keep you company in case you wake up sick like yesterday," Emy says.

"She seems fine," Joy comments.

"I'm better."

"Want to try eating something?" Jessica asks. "I don't know why you always get terribly ill whenever you visit. It's like you're allergic to Sara's room."

"We have omelets," Emy says, helping me sit up. I look at my side, the yellow omelet beside me on the nightstand. The smell suddenly enters my nostrils, getting sharper and uglier. My stomach starts to flip, telling me to get up. Before I could move, Emy puts up the trash can between my hands so I can hurl in it.

"Okay, disgusting, I'm going away." I continue puking as Joy's voice rings in my ears.

"That's it, she needs to see a doctor," Jessica says, helping me rest on my back again. Just say it, just fucking tell her that you are pregnant but freaking Sara doesn't give a fuck.

Just then Sara enters with a bag in her hands. "Tegan, can I be alone with you?"

"What's that?" Emy says while Jessica rubs my back.

"Honey, she needs to see a doctor."

"Umm, I just need to talk to her about something first."

Oh, good, looks like she remembered. I shake my head; tears quickly begin to flow out of my eyes.

"Tee?" Emy asks. "What's going on?

"What's that in your hand, Sara?" I ask.

She empties the bag on the mattress. Five different pregnancy tests fall on the mattress. Emy gasps, Jessica stares with a deadpan face at both of us.

"I think you might be..." She bites her lower lip. She has actually fucking forgot about it. "I didn't think…I mean, I forgot because I didn't think it would...I mean, I saw the tampons in your suitcase and I just assumed..."

"Sara," I cut her off, "I'm a little bit over 7 weeks pregnant. I took the freaking test in China. I was just kindly waiting for you to fucking remember."

Before wide-eyed Sara can say anything, Emy storms out of the room with a suppressed, loud sob. Well, that's just great.


	29. Chapter 29

**Sara**

I promise I waited for it, I anticipated it, I was excited. Very excited in fact. I was scared, too. I counted the days. I watched her in her sleep. I even talked to her tummy, wondering if there was something in there. Even through the news of my father's sickness, I still had hope that something was going to make it better. But when I saw her putting that box of tampons in her backpack, my heart sank a little. I couldn't even ask her about it, because if I was disappointed, she must have been heartbroken. I did not want to open it up, to hurt her, to discuss it with her. It was just a horrible time and I couldn't do it. Whatever, I told myself, we'll try again when she comes back, we'll talk about it when she comes back. I promise I wanted it.

I didn't think the label the worst girlfriend ever would be handed to me one day. I should have asked, I know. I should have brought it up, I know. She waited for me; she waited for more than seven weeks, that's about two months. She's two months along and I just figured it out in front of my mother, in front of Emy, in front of my sister, in front of everyone. To say I'm speechless would be an understatement because I am utterly and completely unable to release any reaction other than crying my eyes out without any sound. I feel terrible, yes, I feel awful. I can't do anything. I can't seem to comfort her or hug her or take care of her. I am having a baby. We are going to have a baby.

"Uh…" My mum cannot form any word as well. She's baffled and puzzled. Millions of questions are running through her mind, thousands of _whys_ and hundreds of _whens_; I know. Oh, I know.

I sit down on the mattress; try to get closer to my lover but she shies away from me.

Oh, God, and there is Emy crying outside. Jealous Emy or sad Emy? I don't know. I don't know anything.

"What the hell is going?" Joy storms inside with her loud, resonant voice. "Why is everyone crying?" Nobody answers her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I voice loudly, catching Tegan's distracted attention. "I swear to God I thought it's best not to bring it up after seeing the tampons. I thought you would not want to talk about it. I swear I did not forget. It made me more upset thinking you're not, that's why I cried so much that day. It was not just my father, it was this too. I didn't know. I didn't."

"O…kayyy?" Joy says again. "I'm lost. Mum, what's going on?"

"Joy, can you leave us for a second? Can you check on Emy, please?" Mum says.

"Did she hit Emy?" Joys says loudly, looking at my girlfriend. "Did she hit you again, Sara?"

"Joy, go," I scream loudly, making her shut up. "She did not do anything. Fucking go."

"Okay, chill." I hear an annoyed sigh before she closes the door.

"I'm not sure what's going on exactly and I need some elaboration." My mother's tone is strong and strict.

"Sara and I…" my girlfriend speaks in a broken, raspy voice, "we're pregnant."

"Obviously," mother says. "But is it something you two have planned?"

"Yes, mum," I answer loudly and quickly. "Of course. We tried to conceive two months ago. I just…" I sigh. "I thought she was not pregnant because I saw her packing tampons before her flight. She seemed upset and talked about her cramps so I assumed she has started. I didn't question it. I didn't want to talk about it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. God, I'm so stupid sometimes."

"Don't say that," my lover whispers. "I didn't know that's how you felt. My mood has been so off lately because of all the stress and sickness."

"We have to get you to a doctor, Tee," I say. "Give me a hug. I missed you." I wrap my arms around her. Her tears stain my chest as I kiss her head. I'm happy now. I'm going to have a little baby. "We're going to be mothers soon."

"I know." She looks at me, wiping her tears. "I can't wait to meet the fucker that's making me throw up and hate myself."

"Girls," mum interrupts our sweet moment. My hand touches my girlfriend's tummy, rubbing slightly while we both look at Jessica. "This is sudden and out of the blue."

"Why?" I shout in a defensive manner.

"Calm down," she says. "I mean that you two are not married."

"We don't want to."

"But, Sara, the child is hers that way; not yours, too."

"No," Tegan objects. "The child is ours. We talked about it with our lawyer before conceiving."

"Plus, we're getting a civil union," I add. "Pretty soon."

"Yes." Tegan smiles at me. "Marriage isn't going to define our relationship. She's the mum as much as I am." I give her a quick kiss that makes her face go red.

"I'm happy for you two."

"Thank you, mum." I rub Tegan's hand, giving it a small squeeze. "We have to tell your mum, too. Did you tell her?" She shakes her head. "We have to."

"Yeah, but…" Her hesitancy makes me raise my eyebrow, giving her a chance to think over her sentence before speaking. "We need to talk to Emy first."

It's honestly an eerie feeling; walking around knowing there is something waiting for you, or you are waiting for something that's bound to happen eventually. Wow, seven whole weeks without my knowledge that there's a fetus in my lover's womb. Subconsciously, my eyes fall on her abdomen each few minutes just to check; as if once I look there, I'll know that she and the baby are fine. I have to take care of her.

I have to take her to the clinic and get her on the right vitamins, we have to talk to our own doctor, I bet she talked to her on her own. Oh God, we need to prepare the nursery for the baby. But we have to know what we're having first. No, we won't go by the stereotypes. I'm not going to choose pink if it's a girl or blue if it's a boy. Neutral colors are the best. We could use green or yellow since I love them or maroon since Tegan loves it. I think Maroon would be nice, but what if it's too dark for a newborn? What if the baby hates it? What if they get nightmares? What if Tegan has planned something else? What about clothes? We need to get the clothes for the baby. But what type of clothes? Neutral colors, too. Yes.

"Sar," Tegan calls my name. "Umm, what's up?"

"Oh, uh…" I look at her then at Emy in front of us. How did Emy get inside again? "I was thinking."

"I'm sorry, guys," Emy says, not looking at us.

"Are you okay, Em?" Tegan asks.

"Congratulations." She finally shows us her teary blue eyes, beautiful as ice. "I'm happy for you."

"Are you?" I ask.

"I am."

"We know how you feel."

"No, you don't," she says defensively. "Amber and I have been trying for the past three years. You only tried once. I got jealous. I couldn't hold it in."

"We know," Tegan says. "We want to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"Relationships cannot last if the two people sharing this relationship do not work together spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Sara and I have been through a lot and we always got out of it because we let go, we help each other, we give chances, we try to share everything."

"Even the burdens," I add.

"Exactly, even the burdens. We don't give each other specific parts or roles."

"Actually," I cut my girlfriend off, "at the beginning we did."

"And that's what led to the destruction of our relationship," Tegan says. "We learned from our mistakes. It took us a lot of time to fix what we have broken. I did not take the role of the provider because I can and she can't, and she did not take the role of a housewife because she's incapable of working. We both work now, we both do house chores, we have no roles but the roles of lovers and partners to each other. That's what we are. We are two women who love each other and decided to have a baby to add something fruitful to this…union."

"Yes, but…"

"Emy, let us finish," I say gently. She nods. "What we mean is that we both wanted to carry, and you know how much I wanted it too, but sometimes you have to give up what you desire and yield to what's best for you. I know I can't carry right now. I want to, but I can't. It's hard for me. I have back issues, I'm older than Tegan, I have many pills to take. Plus she's been daydreaming about it for God knows how long, so I let go of it because at the end that's our baby not hers alone or mine alone."

The touch of a hand I receive from my girlfriend makes my heart leap inside my chest. I love this woman sitting beside me. I have never loved her more.

"What we mean is that you can't do this to yourself when you're not giving Amber a chance too, you're not letting go of your stance, let's say."

"Yes, Em. If you want it that much, woman up and try to carry, maybe it will work inside your body," I say, watching a fountain of tears falling from Emy's eyes. "We know it's hard for you. We know it, trust me. We're not saying you have to, we're saying if you want it that much then try it, you never know what could happen."

"I know," Emy says. "I've been thinking about it…over and over. I even talked to our doctor. I'm just not sure. I'm scared."

"It's a scary step," Tegan comments. "It's scary itself but that's the beautiful part in it. You're carrying another human inside, you're procreating. It's weird, it's different, it's scary as fuck."

However this scary step makes my girlfriend glow day after another. Though the sickness continues; the headaches; the soreness, she still manages to look more beautiful the farther the pregnancy continues. I've never known that Tegan could get this gorgeous. Her eyes have never looked that shiny; like a sunrise in the beginning of summer. Her lips never looked so pink. Her face have never been this clear of any pimple or freckle or spot. Her body has never looked this sexy and her libido has never been this strong. Sex has never been this magical.

Tegan's due date is supposed to be in late March 2013, that's what our doctor has said. Tegan's parents were more shocked than we have anticipated. Her father was a little bit angry because he was not expecting this step ever. Her mother was mostly hurt she was the last to find out, but after a week of bickering they came around. Stephen thought Tegan was not going to do her work well, but she's constantly proving him wrong after each tiring work day. When she gets back home with tears well-hidden inside the lids of her eyes, she sees a nice meal and receives a relaxing foot massage to ease the pressure and pain. On good days we have amazing sex that leaves us both in more longing than before, if that's even possible.

"I'll miss this sex," Tegan tells me after we both come.

"We'll have plenty of it," I say.

"Oh, please. The baby will fuck our lives at first. Mum told me all about it."

I laugh quietly, remembering when Jessica told me how adopting me brought back the sex life my parents have lost before I came along.

"Don't worry, Teegs. It'll all work out. We'll find time. We'll help each other."

At thirteen weeks, when Tegan enters her second trimester, we begin to think about answers for the questions that have been lurking in our heads. What will the sex of the baby be? Where would we like the delivery to be? When should we prepare the nursery? Tegan's morning sickness is reduced greatly and that's good, but her irritation is enhanced by any small thing around her, if it's a smell, a habit, or a behavior. When I sleep beside her, she huffs in anger; accusing me of breathing too loudly, something I can't control due to my asthma. If I shower, she complains about the scent of my shampoo. If I don't shower, she complains about the scent of my sweat which, I am positive, does not exist. In other words, pregnant Tegan is a lot like the rude Sara that first met her years ago.

People at work start to notice the sudden growth in size, and since Tegan is petite, her baby bump appears quicker than we have anticipated. Each night before we sleep, I rub some coconut oil on her belly and breasts. We kiss then I sleep in the living room so I wouldn't annoy her with my breathing. In the middle of the night she wakes me up with a phone call, telling me she hates sleeping alone. We repeat the same routine every single day.

Tegan wants to have a home birth. She has seen many documentaries, read many books and articles about it, and now she wants it. We decide to consult our therapist and doctor. There is nothing wrong with what Tegan wants, but it will all depend on her health and the baby's health in the final trimester, our gynecologist tells us.

At sixteen weeks, Tegan's sexual desire suddenly reaches the roof. I can't get a moment's rest at some nights because coming once or twice relieves nothing of her libido. One night after giving her the third orgasm, we receive a phone call from Emy. Not the best save, but it's a save nonetheless.

I hurry up to pick the phone before my lover can say anything. "Hello," I say in a loud breathy voice. God, I'm wet and horny, but right now I'd rather talk to Emy than fuck Tegan again without getting some attention for me.

"Guess what," Emy says in a voice louder than mine. I hear squeals and laughter in the background.

"What?"

"Is Tegan around you?" Amber asks.

"Yes?"

"Put her on speaker," Emy says.

"What's going on?" Tegan asks, rubbing her small bare baby bump. I shrug, putting the phone on speaker.

"Okay, Emy and Amber. You guys are on speaker."

"We are pregnant," they both shout, screaming at the same time which muffles the entire sentence, makes our shock double because we're not sure we have heard right.

Tegan sits up and I sit down on the mattress beside her. We look at each other's flushed faces, waiting for the noises to quiet down.

"Em…" Tegan says. "We're not sure we have heard correctly."

"We're pregnant," Emy says once again, calm but still loud. "I'm pregnant. I'm carrying. There's a baby inside me. I'm gonna push a baby out of my vagina in about like eight months."

"Oh my God," I shout and Tegal gasps. "You're kidding."

"I'm not."

"She's not," Amber says.

"Oh my…" Tegan is unable to speak, and honestly so am I. This is going to be great. We'll have kids at the same age. Who would have thought my best friend, the one I have dated and loved, would carry a baby…with someone else. Who would have thought that?

I mean, let's assume Tegan didn't come along, nor Amber did. That would be my baby, or I could be the one pregnant like our original plan. Yes, it would have been me because if Tegan hasn't come along, I wouldn't have been beaten up and I wouldn't have the back issues I have now. Probably. It's funny how plans change, life changes, things you imagined while you were young all change and you don't notice them unless it's moments like these, moments far in the future.

But I'm happy it is this way. I'm more than happy whatever has happened, happened. Because that's how it's supposed to be, that's the way it's destined for us. It's like a line we've been following, it's not quite linear but it will lead to the finish point somehow.

At eighteen weeks, different exciting things happen; Tegan feels her first kick…while we're having sex, so of course we pause just to feel the baby kicking, and I feel it too. We also start exercising and doing some yoga together as our GP has advised. But most importantly we begin with the preparation of the nursery. We decide to go with maroon and white, beautiful colors that we both love.

"I have a feeling it's going to be a girl," Tegan tells me as we are in the room opposite to ours, arranging and drawing.

Her baby bump is prominent and beautiful now. I can touch it, kiss it, and feel it. Everyone at work has been calling to congratulate her lately. She told me they have never expected this from the iron bitch they thought she was. _I swear some man told me I thought you'd knock up someone not get knocked up, was I supposed to laugh? _Tegan told me the other day. But what's great is that they are nicer to her and she's bitchier to them. I believe it's something about common people; when they look at a strong woman, they cannot handle her, as soon as they discover some feminine traits in her, they stop competing and be nice to her. As if she is not worthy of their competition or time, as if they are underestimating her abilities just because she is carrying a baby inside. Tegan has not worded these thoughts out loud, but I can feel them and read them on her face. They don't take her seriously now, that's what she thinks, and maybe she is right. But I know she'll prove them wrong. She always does.

"Me too," I agree with a smile. "I can't wait to meet her or him."

"We can know soon, you know." I laugh a little bit. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"I would love to. You want to keep it a surprise?"

"Not really."

"I mean whatever we get I'll be happy, as long as it is healthy and so are you, but I kinda wanna know," I say, rubbing her abdomen.

"Next appointment?" she asks.

"Sure."

A week later we find out that we are having a girl.

"Names, come on," she tells me in the car.

"Isn't it too early?"

"Heck no."

"Ummm, I don't know." I haven't thought about that at all. What am I going to name my girl? Oh my God, I am having a baby girl with my girlfriend. "Can we umm reach home to decide? I'm starting to get overwhelmed and anxious thinking about it."

"Aww, babe." She kisses my cheek then yells at me to slam the brakes, laughing as my heart almost stops. "You're so bad at this, babe."

"Fuck, I know. I hate it."

At home, as I drink coffee and she drinks apple juice in the nursery, we fight about names.

"I don't want the name Sally it's so old fashioned," she says after I suggest it.

"It's from the song Sally's Pigeons."

"What is up with you and Cyndi Lauper?" Just then our cat meows and runs to our seating forms. "Ugh, now this bitch thinks we called her. Not you, Cyndi, we meant the real one."

"She doesn't understand." I take Cyndi away from irritated Tegan and pet her fur. "You're gonna have a small companion, little Cyndi."

"Oh, God, no. We're gonna have a human."

"Ugh, what is up with you?" I shout. These mood swings keep getting worse. "Cats love babies and babies love cats, it's a known fact."

"Anyway, we're not calling her Sally."

"Fine." I frown at her, deciding not to participate. If she wants all the decisions to be hers since she's carrying then whatever, we'll see who's going to take care of the baby more.

"Are you actually butthurt?"

"No," I yell.

"You are."

"You always get to decide. You chose the colors, the stuff, everything. Is it because you're carrying?"

"Are you on your period?"

"Yes."

"Well, this isn't going to work. We're gonna kill each other soon."

"Don't blame it on that," I say.

"You're pissed off and so am I. We both have terrible moods."

"Just pick a stupid name."

"God, I'm not going to. You do. Just not fucking Sally."

"I can't think of anything."

"Well, so am I." She stands up with a long angry sigh. "I'm going to take a nap."

In the holidays, while Tegan goes through her sixth month of pregnancy, we decide not to visit any of our parents due to the increasing exhaustion my partner has been going through. She becomes shadowed with a deep urge to sleep for long hours night and day, her entire body swells up making her look bigger and rounder, her moods have never been any worse, and the worst part is that she's been having worrisome tantrums all of a sudden. She takes her anger out on anything beside her, so I'm always at some distance. I fear that depression might get to her, and I hope to God it won't because that's the last thing we both need at the moment. The farther this pregnancy gets, the harder it is for both of us to deal with.

"I'm never doing this again, I'm just telling you," she says with running tears in her eyes as we sit in the bathtub. "I'm sore. All of me."

"It's okay. Come on, nothing's left." I'm rubbing her feet under water; my eyes are on her swollen breasts and almost-purple nipples. "Don't you maybe wanna remove the piercing? Looks painful."

"Yeah," she says with a choked sob.

"Yes?"

"Yeah, I want to. It hurts."

"Let me help you." As soon as I touch her right breast, she flinches. I try not to squeeze or hurt her. I know she's sensitive. Her breasts have never looked this huge. I look into her eyes as I remove the barbells, watching how they close as soon as I free her from the jewelry; watching as she begins to relax once I begin to rub her nipples gently. Her whimpers are well-harmonized with the dip of my hand in the water. Her tears fall silently as I try to calm her down.

Sonia visits on the 27th of December. She wants to stay for two weeks with us. I guess it's because I have informed her that Tegan's mental state has not been good lately, therefore she decided to visit herself to check on us.

"Oh, girls…I missed you," Sonia says after she hugs both of us in the living room. Her eyes have been teary since we've brought her from the airport. She couldn't believe her eyes seeing her daughter look so pregnant and so tired. "Look at you," she says, hazel orbs roaming her daughter's figure. "I still can't believe I'm going to be a grandmother. It feels like yesterday when I became a mum myself." She chuckles. "Oh, the memories. The dozens and dozens of memories." More tears escape her eyes. "So you planned a home birth for sure?"

"Yeah, hopefully nothing goes wrong." My lover says with her hand on her belly.

"Nothing will, babe," I assure her.

"Picked a name?"

We both remain silent.

"Okay?"

"We haven't," I say.

"Name her anything," Sonia says.

"Anything sounds nice," Tegan says sarcastically. "Better than Sally."

I don't say anything, and I won't. What's wrong with the name Sally?

"Oh, Sally's beautiful," Sonia remarks. I almost laugh but I just shake my head. "What's wrong with Sally?"

"I don't know. I suggested it."

"I just don't like it," Tegan says.

"Okay, we'll discuss names later. Sonia, are you hungry? I bet Tegan is," I say in order to cut this annoying topic short. Tegan will never settle on a name. It'll probably be last minute, and it will be something atrociously weird like _Cranberry_ or _Dairy _or _Android_.

All good things come to an end, I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. I know I've been anticipating the dark that comes after each dawn, the storm after the calm, the hurricane that I've sensed since before my father's death. I just didn't know what it was about, that it was going to change or wreck my life. I didn't know Sonia was going to bring it. However life's a proper game that fools cannot play. What's hidden will always be found at the end.

On New Year's Eve, after we have our meal and dessert, we sit around in the living room to decide the names. This time it's supposed to be serious. Each of us should pick three names and therefore we'll shortlist the winners till we decide.

Sonia and I have been sneaking some gin in our juice, since Tegan demanded that none of us should drink since she can't.

"My picks are Catherine, Amelia, Sofia," Sonia says.

Tegan wrinkles her nose. She literally likes nothing.

"Mine are Daisy, Tara, Violet," I say.

"God," Tegan yells. "You guys are so boring. My name is Tegan for fuck's sake; I want my kid to have a strange unique name."

"Well, what are you suggesting?" Sonia asks with laughter. She's getting a little bit tipsy and lightheaded, I can feel it. I hope Tegan doesn't notice it.

"I don't fucking know, something like, I don't know, Ophelia."

"The fuck?" I ask.

"Like in Hamlet…Ophelia."

"She committed suicide, Tegan," I say.

"Didn't Sally from Sally's Pigeon die, too?" Tegan shouts at me.

I don't say anything; bite my lower lip and count to ten. I know she's moody and angry, I know that, but I don't get the attacking behavior towards me. I can see Sonia's frown on her face, her eyes are crystal; the way her irises are moving between Tegan and I.

"She didn't even say Sally, can you just relax?" Sonia says.

"Yes, but it's what she suggested first."

"What are your picks, Tegan?"

"You know what, I don't know. I'm so tired. I need to sleep. You guys can drink without _secretly _pouring alcohol in your juice now." She gets up, hands on her belly, bags under her eyes, swollen knees and swollen feet. The good part that's not so good is that she can fit in my clothes now without getting maternity clothes. I am this fat to her, I look like this each day and yet she says she loves my body, but I just can't love the way she looks in this body, and I feel terrible. I just feel terrible that I want her body to look the same way it used to be. I don't want her to look tired, angry, and exhausted all the time. I feel awful, and maybe that's what keeps me silent most times now.

"Oh, come on, Teegles," Sonia says. "Honey, we're discussing the names. What's wrong?"

Tegan starts to cry. "I'm just so tired. I don't know. I can't think. I really need to go to bed."

"I'm sorry," I say. I know I shouldn't. I didn't hurt her, but I'm guilty for the fact I judged her body in my brain and I can't take it.

She shakes her head. "Don't say sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. I'll just go to bed and in the morning maybe I'll feel better."

Cyndi starts to follow her as she walks away, but before they disappear, I yell, "Cyndi, come here. Mama's tired." Tegan turns around, looking at the cat then at me. Before I get up, Tegan picks her up, kissing her soft fur.

"Let her come with me," Tegan whispers, hugging the cat for what seems to be the first time ever. "Come with mama, little pussy." Sonia laughs. I can only smile. "Oh yes, let's go." She's baby-talking to our cat and I'm honestly speechless, because it's these moments that make my heart flutter, remembering why we're putting up with this pain in the first place. I can't wait to hold our little girl in my arms and talk to her, sing to her, play with her. God, it's going to be miraculous.

"Her mental state is…worrying me," Sonia says when her daughter disappears. "She's calm one second and too edgy the next."

"Yeah." I get up, walking to the kitchen. "She's irritable."

"I'm sorry she's that bitchy to you." I look at Sonia while pouring each of us a glass of red wine. I shrug with a smile. "You're used to it, huh?"

"Kind of. She hasn't been like that for a long time, but I guess…"

"The medicine, she's not taking the same old medicine?"

"Well, no…plus it's her hormones, the way she sees herself and…" I shake my head while handing Sonia her glass.

"And?"

"I guess I haven't been giving her that much care. I blame me, too. I'm not making her feel better about her body like I should be. I mean, look at me, Sonia. I'm kind of larger than her now, and there's something in me that's so happy she's like that but at the same time wants her to give birth and get back to her old shape again. I hate the way I think, I don't know what's going on, I can't control it."

Sonia laughs loudly…and for a long time. I'm guessing she's not used to alcohol at night, or at least not the excess of it. "That's normal, Sara. That's very normal. You're not a bad girlfriend if you're thinking like that. I mean, I'm her mother and I'm like oh, Jesus, please get back to your old shape." She pauses then takes a long sigh. "Sara, what she did to you and the pain she caused you hurts me till now and maybe more than it hurts her because I feel like what she went through is entirely my fault."

"It's not."

"Oh, yes, it is." She takes a sip of her wine then yawns. "I'm so going to blabber now. I guess I'm getting wasted."

"Yeah, you don't usually drink?"

"Well not like that. Not at night. I tend to get sappy, blabber about things I probably shouldn't say. But I'm at ease."

I chuckle, sipping a little wine myself. "Well, it's nice to spend the first hours of a New Year being at ease."

"Yeah, yeah." She yawns again. "You know, Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"I've done many mistakes raising Tegan, so many. I've done many mistakes in my life, but there's this one thing I can't stop thinking about. It lingers in my brain each day. I can't seem to get it off my head." Her tears start falling as if she has a button that activates her them immediately.

"What is it?" I guess she really is starting to blabber, but I have to listen. I don't want to be rude. Plus, I'm a therapist; I should at least give her some of my time.

"Oh, I can't tell you." She chuckles, sniffling. "I promised."

"Oh." Then how am I going to help her? "Is it about Tegan?" She shakes her head.

"It's something I want to get off my chest. I want to make sure so I wouldn't die with this guilt." She pauses while I remain lost. "But God, what if it's true?"

"I won't tell anyone…I won't tell Tegan if you don't want her to know."

"You will," Sonia says, rolling her eyes.

"I can hold secrets, Sonia."

"Mine is not just a secret, darling. Mine is a shame." She looks down at her drink. "You have to assure me, though."

I don't understand, so I don't say anything. I'm not sure what she wants right now. She should sleep. Maybe I can tell her to sleep next to Tegan tonight. I'll use the couch, it's okay. Or I can sleep on the floor in the nursery. That's not suitable for my back, though.

"When I was young…" Sonia begins.

Oh, God. Here we go. Now I have to pretend I'm interested. Sonia's so drunk, damn.

"I was very young. You won't even believe it. I was actually thirteen and Stephen was Sixteen." More tears stain her red cheeks. "We had sex for the first time." I don't want to know when Tegan's parents fucked. God, I don't. "It wasn't protected." She chuckles. "And guess what?"

It's not that I don't answer because I'm shocked with the information, because at this moment, I'm still in denial that she's giving me the answers for my questions. At this moment, Sally, I still give zero fucks about what she's saying.

"I found out I'm pregnant. Can you imagine? Me, thirteen and pregnant." My eyes widen, I almost spill my wine on the carpet. "Yes, with Catholic parents. Imagine the shock, the shame, the fear. The shit I went through." I can't even speak a word because I'm not sure she's actually saying accurate details or not at the moment. "My parents were horrified, his were so angry. He was filthy rich and I was from a middle class family."

"What happened?" Yes, my heart is fighting to leave my body. Yes, my lungs are about to stop. Yes, the fears I once imagined are all clapping inside my stomach right now.

"I carried the little baby. My mother was against abortion. His parents wanted me to get an abortion. His parents threatened they'll desert him if he didn't leave me and the baby, but he didn't care and he was right by my side. We were kids. We were kids but I was becoming a mother, and I felt like one and I started to grow these maternal feelings; the longing, the love, the need, the affection." Her tears have increased and mine are now visible in my eyes only because of the fear dwelling in my chest. God, let it not be true what I'm thinking of. What if it's another figment of my imagination?

"I had a little girl without a name." The more she talks, the more I can feel myself getting shot by one thousand bullets all over my body. I'm losing the sense in my limbs. "A little baby. She was amazing. Promise you won't tell that to Tegan. Tegan has a sister…or had, actually. I don't know. That's the thing. That's what's killing me…" Stop talking. Please. "That girl was so beautiful. So small but chubby. I actually kept her for two months. Yes. I breastfed her, I played with her, I loved her…" Stop talking, I'm begging you. "But my mother insisted we give her for adoption. We didn't even give her a name, we called her…" _Snowball._ "We called her Snowball." My gasp leaves my mouth without me realizing it. I choke on my sobs and my saliva. Sonia's brows furrow as I stop breathing, still hoping against all hopes I'm in some dream. "Sara…"

"Continue," I only hear myself saying. "Please, continue."

She looks at me for a few seconds, swallows the wine in the glass then speaks again, "My mother insisted we get rid of the baby through adoption. She didn't want me and Stephen to be in contact with her because of the family issues we had. She wanted to solve everything; she always thought she could do that. She planned who she would give my daughter to. I know that. Throughout my pregnancy I heard her making phone calls and arranging. She plotted and schemed and never told me. I wanted to know. I knew I couldn't get rid of this baby. She was mine. I wanted her." It can't be real. It can't be real. God, it cannot be real. "I woke up one day and the little girl was not asleep in her crib. That's when I lost it. Depression hit me in ways you cannot even imagine. I was even hospitalized." She buries her face in her hands and I slap my face, biting on my tongue. "They took my baby away and I never found her." She cries and cries and so do I. I don't know what to do. I can't feel my legs, my feet, my arms…I can only feel the sound of destruction inside my chest. "I wanted to know who she gave my baby to, she told me she gave her to people who wanted a baby, people who would take care of her. I spent six years mourning for my baby and so did Stephen until I conceived Tegan just to wash away the guilt and depression, and you know what I fucking did? I ruined it and made my daughter's life a living hell. I'm a terrible mother and I don't want you guys to be like that."

Oh, I think we will be…Yeah…yeah we will be.

"But the thing is, Sara, I can feel my daughter's presence so close to me. I'm just not sure. Stephen feels it, too."

It can't be me. But it is me. I can't be her daughter. She cannot be my mother. No…no. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming.

"Before her death, my mother told me that my daughter has died and she didn't tell me. She told me she asked the family. She was young and her health was poor, that's what Tegan's grandmother said." Is this the mother I've been looking for? The mother I spent my entire life looking for? No. No. "But I can't settle. I can't settle. I have to know, Sara. Tell me," she whispers. She knows. She fucking knows.

"Maybe she is around you." I'm not even sure where my words are coming from. I can't stop crying. "Do you know about me? Do you know who you're talking to?" It's not the right time, I'm not even sure, but I won't settle too, not after this. I've felt it. I've guessed it. I had a feeling and I kept denying it. How?

She furrows her brows at me again, making me shake my head. I should get her the picture, the letter. Oh God. It's in my room. I can't go in there. Tegan can't know about this. Tegan can't find out about this.

"Do you know that I'm adopted?" Sonia does not answer. She's drunk. Will she remember this? "Do you know that my parents found me on their doorstep? Do you know I've been searching for my birth mother all my life? Do you know a letter came with me and said all that you mentioned? They called me...Snowball. Yeah, Snowball, too." I can't stop the sniffles and hiccups. I'm a mess and I'm making Sonia lose all her ability to form words at the moment. "Do you know what your revelation has done to me right now? Do you know I could be your daughter? Do you know if Tegan finds out about this we're doomed? Tegan could be my sister…Oh, oh, look I'm having a family with my sister." I'm losing it, and she's losing it. I laugh and cry and Sonia slaps her forehead a couple times before hurling on the damn carpet.

I can't even get up to help her because I'm about to vomit, too. This is the worst nightmare I've ever felt. Sharper than any knife I went under in each surgery I had performed on me. Harsher than any Tegan touch that once broke me. Harder than any heartbreak I have felt because of Tegan, my parents, or Emily. Worst than all the times I spent searching for my real parents and ended up in a closed circle, only because they've been right in front of my eyes. I'm having a little baby with my biological sister, and only God knows how fucked up this girl's future is going to be.

"So it's you," Sonia says to me, bending down near her vomit. I know she does not know what to do right now; leave it there, clean it up, continue crying. Well you don't just pop up out of nowhere and tell your daughter's girlfriend that you're her biological mother. "It is really you. Stephen's right."

"No," I stand up. I walk quickly to the kitchen with tears dry on my face. "It's not. It cannot be me."

"We can get a DNA test, but I'm sure you're my daughter."

"Tegan is your daughter." I begin cleaning up the carpet. Nobody has to know about this. I have to carry on with my life. But…Tegan, I can't be with her, I shouldn't be with her. "She's my girlfriend. We're having a little girl."

"You have to break up," says Sonia. "Or be together without her knowing."

"You are despicable." The words are leaving my mouth without my intentions. I cannot control my reaction. This woman cannot be my mother.

Even though my last words took her by surprise, she's still trying with me. When she touches my hand, I flinch and push her away. "Don't you at least want to know how did I know?"

"It does not matter, does it?" I start to cry again. What matters now is that I'm losing my life once again and I saw it coming but I didn't question it because everyone thought I was imagining, Rob thought I was imagining things. "You knew and you didn't say it. It's too late now, it's too late. We have a kid now. You know what that means? A fucking child that we cannot get rid of anymore."

"I did not," Sonia says. "I felt it. I felt it the same way you did."

"I didn't feel it."

"Yes, you did," Sonia says. "I know you, I read your face and your words, I studied your actions; that's how I felt it." I can't even answer her anymore. I'm stunned, I'm breaking. I'm breaking…I'm breaking. "When we greeted you at the airport it's like I was meeting that kid I lost. I thought I felt it alone but Stephen was doubtful, too. He brought it to my attention. He kept saying that nobody looks like someone that way; it's not possible to have the exact same traits, let alone the voice. He insisted I talk to you about it. He insisted I try to know whether you are adopted and Tegan never said anything about that. But there were hints, lots of hints, many hints. I always opened up the subject of incest, I brought it to your attention, I wanted to see your reaction. You never gave me a clue. I thought maybe, you know, maybe it's real. I fought with Stephen over that." She chuckles. "That's what brought us together again, actually. Fighting whether you were sleeping with your sister or not." I turn my face and close my eyes. Sleeping with my sister. I can never feel a worse stab than this. No back ache can equal the pain in my entire body at the moment.

"I know," Sonia continues. "It sounds bad. Imagine how it feels to be me right now. Sara, you did not just look like me. You looked identical to me when I was in my twenties. Stephen couldn't even talk to you more than five minutes in that time. What's funny is that Tegan's grandfather mumbled a couple of words the night of the funeral. He was drunk, of course. He said, _'Oh, Rita died and the kid she killed is back.'_ Of course that made Stephen burn and boil, made my older sister suspect as well. That's why they were looking and whispering, Sara. That's why everyone was looking and whispering. We hid my past too well, and that's what you are going to do, too."

"How? How is this even possible?"

"That's not all," Sonia says again. "We looked past the topic till I was called a couple of weeks ago by Tegan to talk. A topic pulled another and we were talking about some mysterious baby picture that she assumed I have given to you. She had one copy only and found another all of a sudden. She sent the picture to me, and I could swear nobody had seen this picture since my mother hid all the copies and anything related to you. She showed me the two copies and then I knew. I asked her, who gave you this picture? She said her grandmother. I laughed in hatred towards myself and towards my mother. Apparently she had felt guilty one day and gave Tegan a picture of you and told her she's precious. What my mother didn't know is that I always kept a picture of you in your blanket in case she did what she wanted to do. Just so someone can find me through the picture and I can find my daughter. And she had done what she did and nobody had ever found me, so I thought she had found the picture and removed it. But you know what fate decided to do? To take revenge of my conservative Catholic mother in the most horrible ways and make her two granddaughters fall in love with each other because of something she did. And I'm sorry to say this, but I wish I had aborted you, I wish that was accepted in my family."

"I wish you had aborted me, too."

"That's why I came, Sara. I talked to Stephen about it. We want to make sure. I couldn't talk about it with you till now. I couldn't speak. I couldn't say anything until now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but Tegan cannot know. You can either continue with this or leave her if you cannot touch her anymore."

I sit back and laugh. Touch her? Wow, I've been fucking my sister for how many years? So many years. We had beautiful, rough sex. We had a threesome with our friend. Wait till Emy knows. What about my parents? If they knew...Well, dad is dead, but mum will follow him. If Joy knew she'll laugh till tomorrow. If Rob knew, he'll stop thinking I'm crazy. If Tegan knew she'll kill our baby. And the other option, leave her? Oh, as if I can do that. I got used to her. I can't leave her. She won't let me. I can't do it. I can't touch her and I can't leave her.

"I wish you didn't tell me," I say.

"I wanted to make sure."

"You should have kept it to yourself. You really should have." My tears won't stop, I can feel my eyes burning.

"We can get a DNA test soon. Tegan can't know, though."

"I want to know how I ended up on that doorstep, though. I want to know who did your mother know that took me there. Because I was given to my grandmother not my parents. My mum just happened to be in Toronto at that time, not Calgary.

Sonia laughs, shaking her head. "We were in Toronto. My mother did not want people to know I got knocked up at such a young age. When my belly began to show, she took me to Toronto. We stayed with my aunt till I gave birth. We left Toronto after she took you away."

"What's the name of your aunt?"

"Lucy."

"Last name," I demand with indignation.

"Lucy Doyle." I nod. "Why?"

"I'm going to ask my mother about that name." I bury my face in my hand to think. I still think this is a lie. A dream. The DNA test will prove otherwise. But the picture. The fucking picture. "I have to tell my family."

"You can't."

"I'm a fucking mistake. I was born for no reason, God." I honestly can't take it anymore. I don't think I'll ever be the same. "When's my birthday?"

"September 19th, 1980." Ten days later than the birthday I celebrate. Even this is a lie. No, nothing will ever be the same.

When Tegan wakes up in the morning, sees us in the same position since the night before, she gets suspicious. When she looks into my eyes, she thinks I was crying because of the way she treated me last night. When she touches my thighs, I flinch. When she tries to kiss my lips, I push her away and run to the bathroom in order to cry. I can't touch her. I can't be with her. I can't leave her.


	30. Chapter 30

**Trigger warning: abuse, the mention of suicide, mental illness, domestic violence.**

* * *

**Tegan**

It has been such a quaint morning. I barely got any comfort in my sleep the previous night. It felt like I was shadowed by nightmares and anxiety. I woke up in sweat, with my heart beating quickly. I felt my daughter kick inside my tummy. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. I was nauseous, too. I went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. Sara was nowhere in sight, neither was my mother.

I am surprised to see them in the living room, in the same position I left them in the previous night. Except that both clearly seem tired and weary. None of them had a moment's rest as I can see.

As soon as I put my hand on my girlfriend's knees she flinches. Oh, right. Last night I was a bitch.

I apologize, I try to kiss her, but she runs away. I look at my mother for some elaboration, but I receive almost the same reaction. It's as if they are looking at a pariah.

"Did I hurt her that bad?" I ask quietly.

My mother's wide mouth close. I can see her swallowing before opening her mouth again to speak, "Uh, she's just…I…I mean, talk to her."

Honestly, with all the time I have spent with my mother, she has never sounded so helpless. Maybe Sara has revealed things she hasn't told me. Maybe I've been cruel last night. I can't even remember.

I take slow steps to the bathroom as I hear the water running. I turn the knob, open the door and enter. Sara is crying.

"Get out," she says. "Get out, please," she repeats loudly.

"I didn't mean what I said last night." Was it that bad?

"I need to be alone," my girlfriend says.

"Alright." I give up easily, heading towards the kitchen once again.

I spot my mother brewing coffee with tears in her eyes. My curiosity tingles inside me. "Can you tell me what happened?"

My mother looks at me with wide green eyes staring in shock. "Uh…" again, she stutters.

"Sara's not talking. You're not talking. What's up?"

"She's not feeling well. She wants help."

"Again?" I walk closer to her. Her fingers are fidgeting and her lips are quivering. "Is it me?"

"It's her mental state, I guess."

"What is it?" I can feel my daughter's first kick this morning. Can she sense it, too?

"I'm not sure," mother says. "I just feel bad for her. She spent all night crying. I tried my best but it seems bad."

"But there must be something," I didn't know my voice was so quiet until the words left my mouth. "She was just fine."

"She was bottling it up."

"You made her open up?" I ask.

I think I need to sit.

"I guess I did."

"But…"

"Give her time," mum says. "It always worked out that way."

Sara buries herself in our room for the rest of the day. I try my best to speak to her. She does not even want me to touch her. That only explains one thing: she is reliving the past trauma I have caused her.

I have read that a couple of things can be stored in the unconscious and sometimes they are awakened by a sudden memory or a random thought. I'm not sure what happened last night while I was asleep, but it looks like my mother has awakened the sleeping nightmares inside my partner's mind. The only thing I can do is try.

The strangest thing is that whenever I pass by my room while my mother is inside with Sara, I can hear both of them whispering faintly. So Sara is speaking to my mother but is not speaking to me other than the soft, tired words she feels obliged to say to me.

The next few days are exactly a repetition of this one. In fact, they are worse. Sara does not even put coconut butter on my breasts and belly anymore. She does not kiss me nor put a hand on my skin. While we sleep, Sara does not face me. In fact, she does not sleep on the same bed. She chooses the couch. When I call her, she does not pick up, and does not get back in bed beside me.

On the fourth day I have to visit the doctor. Sara does not come with me, so my mother tags along. My baby is fine, but she still does not have a name.

"Still want the home birth?" mother asks me on the way back home.

"Yes."

"What about Sara?" she demands.

"What about her?"

"She's not mentally stable."

"What does that have to do with it?"

My mother sighs.

"You know what's going on but you won't tell me," I state. "I know she tells you everything."

"No," mother responds. "She vents to me because I'm being a therapist to her."

"Is that why you're staying awhile longer?" Sonia nods. "What does she tell you?" She looks at me in a way as if I have asked her if I can murder my baby and give it up to the wolves to feed on. "Mum…"

"She just vents, Tegan. She doesn't say much. I ask yes or no questions about what she is feeling and she vents. She's not feeling good."

"There must be something, mum. There must be some type of diagnosis," I shout.

"She's suffering clinical depression."

"Why?" I shout again, this time while slamming the brakes as I park in my garage.

"No whys," mother yells. "People get depressed, Tegan. There is no reason for it."

No. There is something. I can sense it. I can feel it. I must find it out.

I return to work after a week. Mother is still here. The first day I go back, I face a horrible load of stress and fatigue that I get sent home by Joe against my will in order to rest. When I get home, I don't find anyone. I rest my head on the pillow and lose consciousness.

I don't know how much I spend there but I become conscious again by the voices of sharp wailing. I open my eyes. My girlfriend is crying her eyes out next to me and my mother is comforting her.

"What's wrong?" I scream.

Nobody answers me.

"Mum?"

Mother looks at me with agonized eyes.

"It can't be true," Sara cries. "I'm dreaming. It's a nightmare."

"What can't be true?" I ask.

"I don't know," Sonia says. "She's been like that since this morning. I took her out to get her to feel better but she broke down and I had to drive us back home."

"But what is it that she's talking about?" I touch Sara's arm but I'm pushed aside with an abrupt force that leaves my jaw hanging. "Sa.."

"Don't touch me," she shouts, getting up. "Don't ever touch me," she shouts loudly.

Mother looks horrified with the view. My tears begin to fall.

"I'm losing her again," I mutter.

I spend the worst days through my pregnancy in the next few days, both physically and emotionally. I begin to have strange back aches and discomfort in sleeping and breathing at night. Three days later I faint at work and end up hospitalized for two days. Honestly, I'm not sure what's exactly happening in my body, in my head, or outside of my brain, but I'm simply exhausted that I cannot spend a full hour awake without getting back to sleep.

However, what forces me to stay conscious is the faint whispering I hear my mother and my girlfriend sharing. I hear things like, "It's stress" and "she needs lots of rest." I also hear, "I'm not sure about a home birth, she'll hurt herself." But the thing is, I'm not sure who says what at all. I'm sure both are speaking because the tone of voice changes, but I'm not conscious enough to recognize who's saying what.

"You need to find a solution."

"I can't."

"You have to."

"I'm dying. Everyday…I'm dying."

"Choose an option."

"I love her."

"And?"

"It's all your fault."

"It's not. It's going to be yours if you continue hiding."

"Don't say that. I can't take it. I love her."

"Be with her."

"I can't."

"Sara…"

"I can't touch her. She can't touch me."

But why? Why? What is it that she's feeling? Why can't she touch me, why can't she love me? How can I know if I'm being kicked out of her thoughts?

"Life will move on, Sara."

"While I slowly die inside."

"Life will move on."

The baby is fine but I'm not fine, or that's what the doctor says to my mother and girlfriend.

"And?" Sara asks. I am confused by her frightened question. As if she cares, as if she wants to take care of me. My eyes meet hers for a quick second. I spot a shimmer of a tear dancing on her lid. She averts her gaze instantly to look at the doctor.

"Bed rest."

"I have work."

"You need rest," the doctor says. "We're giving you vitamins but you need rest for your health and the baby's. You will have to stay away from salty foods because of your blood pressure. You also have to stay away from caffeine completely."

I spend the rest of the night crying in my bed, refusing to eat or to listen to my mother's calming words. I know I'm hurting myself more than I should have, but just like Sara, I can't take it. Maybe Sara understands more than I do. Actually, I'm sure she does. She does not see nor sense the pain I'm being put in each single day. Whenever she looks away once our eyes connect, I feel sharp pains in my chest. If only she can understand.

When I return to work, I walk as if nothing has happened to me, nothing is happening in my own personal life. My head is held up high and my black and white attire reflects my bossiness. I walk quickly while I hear murmurs declaring_, "The bitch is back."_ I do not care or know who says these things behind my back so I continue walking. I know I have the best team despite them despising the ground I step on; therefore, I do not pay attention to the shit they spew out of their mouths, and they do not care that I listen to it. It's some kind of a relationship that we share. It's trust.

Joe puts the worst smelling flowers in my office. It makes me cough for an hour, brings out my allergies and my nausea. "You fucktard, I'm pregnant."

"What does that have to do with it? Thought these would make you happy."

"My hormones make me angry, never happy. And these flowers are against what my hormones want."

"What do they want?"

"For you to leave me the fuck alone and let me do my work in peace."

My mother calls to check up on me. Sara doesn't call for sure. I call Sara's parents instead. I fill them in. Jessica does not seem surprised to hear that. So I guess they know.

"Give her time," the faintest of voice comes. It's dead, no life in it. "She needs it."

"I'm worried."

"It will be okay." Lies, because that's the driest promise I have ever heard.

When I get back home, Sara confronts me. "Why would you call my mother?" she says sharply.

"I had to. I wanna understand you."

"Goddamn it. That's none of your business. What I'm going through is for me." I slap her. She shrieks.

"Wake up," I scream in her face. "Wake up already. We're having a baby. You can't hide things from me. If you don't wanna be with me, tell me."

She slaps me back instead. It takes all the power inside me not to lay a hand on her again. I close my eyes and count to ten. I can feel my fist cramping from the pressure I'm putting on it by resisting. My chest aches and my baby kicks me harder and harder by the second.

My tears rush out of my eyes as soon as I sit down. I bury my face in my hand and cry. A surprising touch of a hand makes me jump. At first I assume it's my mother awakened by the loud voices, but my eyes are shocked to see Sara's gentle face in front of me. Her soft touch calms me down. She glides her hand all over my tattooed skin as she whimpers in my ears. I feel her lips kissing my jaw. I'm not sure what's happening, but I hurry wrapping my being around this moment before it's over.

"I love you," she announces with tears streaming down her anguished face. "I love you," she repeats as if I haven't heard her. And, honestly, I needed to hear it twice just to make sure I'm not mistaken, because lately it seems that she has stopped loving me.

"What's going on with you?" I ask quietly, gently, with softness in my voice and fire in my heart.

She shakes her head right before she captures my lips in a bittersweet kiss. I taste the saltiness of tears because they won't stop. She kisses more till I am lying underneath her and she is hovering above me, both legs are on the sides. She kisses as if she has not seen me in ages, as if she has missed me dearly. She kisses me as if I am dying and she's trying to suck the life out of my stopping heart.

Kisses end up in lovemaking. She thrusts two fingers inside after kissing my entire body. Her tears; however, never cease. In fact, her cries become louder and out of breath when she goes down on me. When I come, I try to touch her. I expect to be pushed away only because I know my partner very well, but I'm not. She surrenders—she lets me take full control over her body.

"Fuck me hard," she asks, still crying.

"What do you want?"

"Fuck my ass and my cunt."

"Sara," I hesitate. "My mum is in the house."

"Lock the door."

"She'll hear."

"Please."

I cave in to her request, but the problem is that I'm too tired to strap myself and fuck her. She turns around and gets on her hands and knees. I've never seen Sara as raw and without any bashfulness before…perhaps only when we were dying in lust as we masturbated in front of each other years ago.

I fuck her pussy first. She's drenched and easy to enter. It looks disturbing that my belly is that large and I'm fucking my girlfriend. I grab her ass to help with the pushing and pulling. I can see her two breasts dangling down, moving with her. She's biting on one hand to mute her sounds.

Before she comes, I pull out and exchange the dildo in order to fuck her ass. She moans loudly when I enter her. "Are you okay?" I ask. She groans. "Sare…"

"Push." Her voice is chocked, crying, tired—miserable.

Her hand reaches for her clit to rub it. The other tweaks her right nipple. When she comes, she curls up and weeps softly.

I've never witnessed grief and misery on my girlfriend as much as now.

When I leave the room after my quick shower, I find my mother sitting like a stone statue in the living room. She eyes me with a piercing gaze as I gulp my water.

"What?"

"Were you two having sex?"

I don't give her an answer. I'm too shy to respond.

She sighs.

In the following week Sara becomes sadder— sick with fatigue. Her lively face becomes too pale while bags grow beneath her eyes. The more we have sex, the sicker she becomes. I return from work one day to find my mother putting a wet cloth over Sara's forehead.

I sit beside her to check on her. The fever is strong.

"You know she hasn't eaten a meal since three days ago?" mum tells me. I pause and blink. Is that true? For the past three days we have not gotten out of bed. We had so much sex. I went out to eat and she cried after it.

"At all?"

"I want to die," Sara announces.

And it feels like a sharp knife has cut through me and my child.

Flashbacks. Flashbacks.

_"I just want to die." _I remember it quite clearly. Too clearly in fact.

I call Emy that night but the voice of a friend is masked by that of a stranger. She is cold and angry. Why is everyone so distant?

"I'm losing Sara," I say. "I need help."

She only chuckles.

Then I hear sniffling.

"Are you crying?"

No answer.

"What's happening?"

"Tegan…"

"Yes?"

"You and Sara…"

"What's going on?" She pauses several times and it irritates me.

"Nothing."

"Yes, there is something." I insist impatiently.

"I have to go. Please, take care of her and your baby."

I return home early the day after. Dizziness has gotten the best of me because I've been awake the previous night, trying to calm Sara down.

What I see is the last thing I expected to see; my mother holding a crying, screaming Sara with dozens of pills bottles on the floor next to her. My heart falls to my feet and my baby kicks me too sharply, too fast—as if she can see the disastrous scene that's making my eyes water and my lips tremble.

"She wanted to kill herself," my mother cries loudly, hugging her. "It's all because of me."

I get too dizzy to focus on her words.

Why?

I kneel down, sit next to her. My eyes wide, too wide that I can only notice how small hers are.

Why?

I look around me.

Pills everywhere.

She wanted to kill herself.

Why?

I look at the floor.

Blue, yellow, white, my picture when I was a baby, some medical papers.

My picture.

Two of my pictures.

A DNA test?

I look at her again, shocked.

"You found her?" I ask.

I look down again. I read the papers. I look at my mother's horrified face.

How?

I look at Sara again. My senses are sharp, my breath is heavy. I clutch my fist, ready to aim at my mother but instead, I choose my girlfriend.

"What the fuck is this?" I punch again. My mother is too shocked to stop me, and Sara is too weak to scream. The more I punch, the better I feel, the stronger I suddenly become.

My tears blur my vision, or perhaps it's the lust for hitting. I've never felt more disgusted and capable than I do now.

The following moments are trapped in a cloud of haze to me. I remember nothing but sharp kicking, some screaming, mother pulling me away from Sara, and myself asking if what I understood is real or not.

I wake up in my bed; my father is the first person I spot. My mother is standing far in the corner of my room. No sign of Sara.

Was it a dream?

I sit up like a crazed person when my fetus kicks. I look at my parents with horror wrapped around my features. I don't notice it, but I begin to cry as soon as my father hugs me.

"Is it true?" I ask.

No response.

I look up at his blue eyes and ask again, "Is it true what I understood? How? How is it true?"

He opens his mouth to speak but my mother interrupts him, "It's my fault." I look at her. It can't be. "I've always felt it, sensed it. I never made sure and when I did, I strove to hide it."

I can't even absorb what I am hearing. Put yourself in my shoes. You would go mad at the moment. If I didn't hold all that strength, I would have gotten rid of my baby in one way or another. I'm carrying a person inside me, planning to start a family with…my sister.

"Sara?" I ask.

"It's not her fault," my mother shoots. "You shouldn't have hurt her so bad."

"We have to think of reasonable solutions to this disaster," father says.

Yes, it's a disaster. A catastrophe. We should all kill ourselves.

"How?"

_Sally, I know you cannot even comprehend this, and that's only because words fail to deliver truthful emotions; but trust me when I tell you that part, when my parents were filling me in on the ugly truth, was the hardest part in my life alongside giving birth to you knowing I could never call you my daughter. _

_That day felt like I was tied up by ropes and stabbed by knives, dying and coming back to life just to get stabbed by another sharp knife. The more details my parents revealed, the louder I cried, and the more hurt I felt. You were inside me and all I could think about was how to get rid of you because I knew the life you were going to be in was going to be a living hell. My parents have made a mistake and it's following us till this day, and yet you still blame me and Sara for what you are going through._

Sara's face is swollen, scratched, and bloody. When our eyes meet, I feel shame carved in my chest. Once again, I have touched her in an abusive way. I have broken my promise, but this time I feel less shame because I realized she has let me fuck her while knowing I am her sister.

"We can either imagine as if this hadn't happened and you two continue living your lives the same way you are living it right now or we can…"

"Everybody knows," Sara says quietly, in a broken voice. "I told my mother and Emy. It was killing me."

"We can never be together," I shout. "I am repulsed. So disgusted." I begin to cry again. "You took advantage of me. All of you."

Sara cries, too. I know the salty tears are stinging her scarred face because I can see her wincing. I hope she feels every burn she is making me suffer at this moment.

"I'm sorry," Sara utters. "I love you."

"I hate you," I respond immediately.

At this moment, I'll be lying if I say I don't hate her a little bit. She put her hands on me. She put her mouth on my lips and my skin and she knew I was her sister. How can I live with this disaster?

"My daughter will suffer for the rest of her life. Just like me."

"She's mine, too."

"If you're not planning to be together, I think you should give her up for adoption," my dad says.

"No," Sara screams. "No," she yells at him. "Won't you ever learn from this mistake? That's where adoption has gotten us. That's the mistake you have done. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Don't talk to my father like that." I slap her bruised face.

"Tegan," my mother shouts, "stop."

"I'm giving her up for adoption," I say, facing Sara with sharp eyes. "I'm not raising a kid alone. I'm not going to make her go through what I went through. She'll ask questions, she'll want to know."

"No." Sara shakes her head with tears streaming down her face. "No, please. I'll take her. I'll adopt her. I'll pretend she's mine. I'll go away. I'll leave you. I'll…I don't know. I need her. She'll suffer like me. I know she will. She'll look for her parents and she'll find out."

The sight that makes my heart sink is when my mother holds Sara in her arms to calm her down. I know this feeling, I can feel it. I can feel it because the fetus inside my belly is showering me with misery. My mouth is spewing words I cannot handle; my mind is trying to weave up solutions that make me a winner in this losing game, my heart is crushing on its self. I feel the hatred and the love all at once. I feel my inside death.

We stay like this for days, cooking up solutions and reasons. Sara loses strength and vigor in front of my eyes as she refuses to eat, to speak, to move, or to function. Everything makes sense now. All these past actions, all the misery, all the crying; all of these years make sense now. She has always known it, sensed it, felt it. The more I think of it, the more I despise the times we have touched, the videos we have recorded, the love we have made, the games we have played, the threesomes, the kisses, the touches. God, how awful is this disaster. How strange, how ironic, how unrealistic.

I stop being able to go to work because of the grief and anguish that hit me. I hear Sara's howling cries all night long. I leave the room and find her alone in the nursery; praying, hoping, and crying. The closer I get the worse I feel. I almost hit her each night but I stop myself. I cannot take what I'm holding inside; I cannot stand the woman outside of my room.

"If I don't die, I won't rest," I tell my mother one day. She scolds me for sure. I don't even need to narrate the words she fills my brain with. She's a mother, hearing that both her daughters want to die because of her kills her.

My father makes us sit in the living room one evening after he gets back from work (he goes instead of me right now. He said he'd go until I get back on my feet, but I doubt I ever will). I sit as far away as possible from Sara, father beside me and mother by her side.

"We have to find a solution," dad says.

"She has to leave," I say.

"I'm not leaving without the baby," she says sharply.

"Take the baby," I say.

"What?"

"Take her."

No response. I put my hand on top of my belly before releasing words I'm not confident in.

"Take the baby. You have to go, though. Go away. I don't want to see you, ever. Go back to Vancouver. People barely know we were together. They actually thought we were related when we were in college. Go find a place for you. Or go to Toronto, I don't care. Go away. I don't want to hear from you."

"Tegan," my mother interrupts.

"Listen to me," I say loudly. "Go, Sara. I'll go back with mum, say you have died or something. Well, family already knows about this disaster, other than that nobody knows we're together. We have to leave New York, however. People can't know."

"I don't get it," Sara whispers.

"I'll give birth in the house. We'll do the same trick mother did. The baby will be recorded under your name. I mean, we'll find a way, I'm sure we can. The baby will be yours on paper. Nobody will know, you know. You'll take her and go back. We're sisters but we barely see each other, that's what you'll tell her, so I'll be her aunt. Nobody will know except our close friends and family. Whoever asks you, you'll say you got dumped, you got left, you had a baby on your own…whatever lie you want to make. But I don't want to see you here at all," I say. "Never," I lie.


	31. Chapter 31

**Sara**

**February 2013**

My knuckles are pale and white as they touch the door, knocking quickly, waiting for one of the two women inside to open. Suitcases are standing right next to me, acting like a shelter from any unnecessary harm, as if anything else can protect me after the destruction has been done. Why is Vancouver so cold? My fragile bones are beginning to ache and my fist is starting to give up. Maybe they're not home. But it's Friday night and Emy does not like to go out on Friday nights, especially now that she's pregnant. If only their garage wasn't closed, I would have known if the car's parked or not. The lights seem to be on.

As soon as I make up my mind to sit on the porch till one of them opens the door, I hear footsteps. Hasty, quick steps become louder and closer by the second. I hear whispering as the door gets unlatched. My tired eyes gaze at two women in their pajamas. One with long brown hair and a protruding belly and the other with shoulder-length red hair and tired eyes. They gasp when they see me. Emy takes me in immediately, wrapping her gentle arms around me.

"Oh my God, Sara," her warm voice greets me. Instantly, my tears resume their action and I continue the crying I have paused as I hopped into the plane from New York. "Look at you." She looks at me, at my face; my scarred, bruised face. Amber takes my suitcases inside and closes the door.

They both take me inside to the cozy living room. The lights are dimmed, so Amber switches them on. I must have woken them up. But it's only a little bit past 10:00.

"What happened?" my best friend asks me. I stare at her blankly; fast tears are covering my entire face. "She kicked you out of there?" I nod my head. "But it's not your fault." I nod again. "She did that to your face?" I nod a third time.

"Emy, let her breathe," Amber says, handing me a glass of water that I take right away and gulp quickly.

"Thank you," I murmur.

"This is a catastrophe," Emy whispers. "It's a disaster."

"Emy," Amber says again, glaring at her wife.

"Going to sell the house in New York and move back with her mum in Calgary for the time being. She wants nothing to do with me at all. I'll take the baby after she gives birth to her and I have to live far away from her. She said she wants to be an aunt, a distant aunt; other than that, she does not want to have any relationship with me or the baby."

"I'm sorry that I'm asking this right now, Sara, but do you think such a solution will work? Do you think she can handle it? Giving up her daughter like that?" Amber asks.

"She's my daughter, too," I answer with a defensive tone. Emy nudges her wife. I lower my head and sigh then continue, "Her mother did it, why wouldn't she be able to do it?"

"What about the family in Calgary?" Emy asks. "What would she say to them? How is she going to hide?"

"Her mother and father are excellent schemers, don't worry about them. They hid the truth that I am their daughter all these years, they can do that. I believe her mother already found a midwife that can give her a home birth, and then they'll forge some information in the hospital, make her my daughter. Her father can do that easily. I guess her mother will hide her well these two months until she gives birth."

"I'm so sorry, Sara." I feel Emy's arm wrap around me, soothing and calming me. I wipe my eyes and sniffle. I don't know what will happen to me now. How am I going to live, to spend, to be alive? The only thing that's making this a little bit tolerable is the fact I'm gonna be able to get my daughter. I'll have someone that, maybe, will make me forget about this disaster.

"Emy, why don't you take her to the bedroom?" Amber suggests. "You two can talk more privately." I look at Amber's fresh face, studying her golden eyes and thin lips as she speaks. "And she probably wants to relax, too."

"It's okay, Amber. Emy doesn't have to accompany me. I'm sorry I came in like that. I have no place to go for now. I'll get back to my parents' house as soon as possible. I just…I have to start from scratch and I thought…"

"Don't explain," says Emy. "It's okay." She smiles gently at me. "Come with me." I furrow my brows at the two women. They say goodnight to each other and I follow Emy to the guest bedroom.

What I find is rather strange. The guest bedroom isn't as empty as I thought. It's inhabited by a mess only my best friend can cause. Sheets on the floor, clothes on a stripped off mattress.

"Sit down, honey," Emy says. I put my suitcase next to the closet and sit down on the mattress as she tries to tidy some of the mess. "You're probably wondering what's going on." I nod. "We're getting a divorce."

"No." I gasp. She chuckles. "Why?"

"It's not working."

"Emy?"

"It will never work."

"But the baby?" Emy shrugs. "What?"

"She doesn't want her."

"What the fuck?"

"It's a long story, Sara. Now you should rest."

Is there anything that's not a long story? Every story can be long or short depending on the way it's told. We live on stories. Stories birth others till these stories break us, shake us, and tear us apart. That's life. "I need to know," I whisper. "You loved her."

Emy chuckles again.

"Look, Sara, we're not meant to be. You know that. When I came back I told her that I slept with you and Tegan, she told me she has been sleeping with a guy for the past six months."

"Fuck," I scream.

"Don't get too shocked." She yawns, almost like it doesn't matter to her. "I suspected it before coming down to you, I thought it's because she wanted a kid. I went to NYC and slept with you because I knew there was something going on. Thought if I hurt her, she was going to feel the pain and quit it. She didn't."

"But…the baby."

"That's my baby."

"Yes, but why did you…"

"We thought we could work it out, but…"

"I'm so sorry."

"She doesn't love me." My friend breaks down crying. Tears fall from her soft blue eyes. "When we learned that we're gonna have a baby with health issues, she gave up quickly. It's as if it was a relief to her. It's what she wanted, you know. She wanted it and then all of a sudden she changed her mind because she fell for a man, Sara. A man."

I squeeze her into a warm hug, realizing that life is nibbling at our frailest wounds, opening them up to keep us bleeding. She cries on my shoulder and I feel her baby kick. I cry, too, because I remember my own baby inside my lover's womb. Oh, how I miss her, how I miss them.

But I'm taken by surprise when Emy kisses me quickly. I pull away with eyes wide, breathing heavily. "I'm sorry," she mouths. "I couldn't control it. I felt too much." I wipe my lips unintentionally. I notice her eyes staring at them. Her tears continue to fall. "I still love you," she admits shamefully. I know that already, so I grab her chin and kiss her lips again. When she pulls away, it's her eyes that are wide with fear and wonder.

"I'll always love you, Emy. You know that."

But this action leaves me feeling guilty and wrong all night. Perhaps it's jet lag, too, that's making me unable to sleep. I stare at the ceiling, pondering about my situation. How am I going to live alone? How am I going to spend? What about the little girl I'm going to have? I can't live with my mother all my life. I can't deny my truth. I will never be able to settle or find myself again. It's as if God really hates me. As soon as I was starting to become normal, I lost it again. How am I going to live normally? I never depended on myself. I could never do anything by myself. Why is life only cruel to me? Always kicking me down?

The thoughts bring my tears out of my eyes and I gasp in fright as shadows begin to darken inside my skull. I feel Emy's gentle touch on my hand but I let go at the speed of light. She, too, is as lost as I am, I bet.

"Don't worry about it," she whispers. "I cry myself to sleep each night because of overthinking. I didn't today because you're close to me."

"No," I shake my head. "Don't get your hopes up about me."

I hear soft laughter in my ears, the kind that has given up a long time ago.

"That's not what I meant."

Embarrassingly, I don't respond.

"I know you don't love me that way."

I don't respond again.

"You know that my baby will not be normal? That if she survived."

I reach for her hand again, but this time she pulls it away. I guess none of us wants the pity.

"I already found a name," she mutters with a crying tone. "Pearl."

"That's a beautiful name."

"What are you gonna call your baby?"

"I don't know," I say honestly. I look at her face finally. Why did I kiss her? Why did I cheat on Tegan?

I start to cry again.

When she doesn't say anything, I speak, "How come you're still living here? You look like a normal family."

"We're still going to therapy, but I know it's not working. I sleep here, she sleeps in our bedroom." Emy sends her sarcastic, fed-up chuckle my way. "She goes out to see him every day in her break. You know we still share the same work. I can't just be kicked out of her life like that; I have a percentage in the store. Though, I fear one day she kicks me out of the house. It's hers after all." But this is going to happen soon. Emy needs to wake up.

She will be thrown out to the wolves just like me.

In the morning I find Amber in the kitchen making breakfast. I sit at the table, holding my phone, not knowing who to text first about my homeless situation. Mum or Robert? But before I do, I get called by my…biological mother. I panic, which makes me stare blankly at my ringing phone.

"Aren't you gonna get that?" Amber asks.

I pick up, not knowing how to say hi.

"Sara," her shaken voice greets me. "Tell me that you're safe, please."

"Yes," I say dryly.

"Where are you?"

"None of your business," I answer cruelly.

I know it's not her fault, but it's easier to put the blame on her. If it's anyone's fault it's my biological grandmother's fault. Sonia took care of me, I can't deny that. She was always there for me. I know she's still there for me. She offered to pay for the baby's needs when she's born, I rejected. I don't want anyone's money or anyone's pity, especially not from there. Nobody believes in me, and to be quite honest, I don't blame them. I proved that I could be nothing all through these years.

"Don't treat me like that," she whispers. "I'm not the one who kicked you out. I wanted it to be solved. I wanted you to be with her."

"Be with my sister? Be incestuous? You're a freak. You're sick," I spit harsh words, not knowing why other than the fact it makes me feel better.

"I just wanted to check on you, but I guess you're making it clear you don't want anything to do with me."

"For fuck's sake you think you're doing? You want to be my mother now? You're not my mother. You're her mother. You can't just butt into my life as my biological mother."

"It's not my fault you're not mine and you know that," she shouts.

Amber is starting at me with a glass of orange juice in her hand.

"I don't want to talk about that. What's done is done. Goodbye." I hang up

As soon as I do, I bury my face in my hands to sob. My eyes are stinging due to the infinite amount of tears I've been shedding since the news broke out. When I feel Amber's hand against my back, I look up at her lopsided, sympathetic smile.

"Why did you do that to Emy?" I ask, sniffling.

"Emy doesn't love me, Sara. She never did."

I chuckle. "She said the same thing about you."

The redhead pushes a plate that has an omelet, two sausages, and some bacon in front of me. "She's in love with you. She never got over you."

I remain silent.

Next, she pours some coffee in a black mug that says, _"I only woke up for this" _and hands it to me. I mutter a quick '_thanks',_ watching her sit down again.

"I'm willing to fix it. I really am. I'm trying, Sara. You think I'm not? I know she has made me seem as the devil but I swear I'm not." A tear falls out of her eyes. "I cheated, I know that. It was a whim. It was a dark time for both of us. I wanted a damn baby, I couldn't get it. She was not willing to do it. We grew apart because all we did was fight."

"But then she did it," I raise my voice a bit. She flinches. "She did it for you," I say in a more calm tone.

"She did it because she was jealous of you and Tegan. Because she never thought you'd last. She never thought you'd start a family. She never thought things could develop like that between you two. She didn't say that but I know my wife too well. I know her like the back of my hand. When she knew about your coming baby, she felt like something was missing, like she missed on something, like she had to follow up. When the doctors suggested she gets an abortion right after knowing the consequences our baby might have on its health and Emy's health, she refused." My eyes are wide open and my mouth agape with incredulity. "She just wanted the baby to brag, not for the purpose that we wanted it for. We fought day and night because of that. I found myself starting to hate being around her. I confronted her and told her she still loves you and she didn't deny it. And then she told me that she has slept with you and your sister when she visited."

Amber wipes her tears but now mine are falling when she hits an aching spot and wounds me with her words. Emy lied and told me she told Amber she slept with us when she came back. I don't know why my best friend is doing that, and I don't know which side to believe, but all I know is that we are fucked up, even Amber. And it makes me wonder if this is normal, if everyone else is as fucked up as we are, if this is just part of being human.

_When you read this, Sally, I want you to know the answer, which is a YESSS! Everyone else is fucked up. Some of us more than others. Some hide it well, some don't. Except Stacy. God, she's boring. A boring angel. At times I wish you become just like her, but, honestly, there's no way in hell you can be anything than fucked up with mothers like Tegan and me, with past like Tegan and mine. _

I reach no point of agreement while discussing with Amber. She thinks that it's Emy who doesn't want them to work it out, while Emy says otherwise. And, honestly, I'm too restless to care about that. I take my phone and walk to the living room to make some phone calls. First I dial up my mother.

Breathing in, breathing out, hands over my chest, I greet the old woman.

"How are you, honey?"

"Mum," I say with a made-up cold tone. Please, don't crack. Please don't. "I need to tell you something."

"Speak up."

"Tegan kicked me out," I start. "I'll have the baby and she'll be an aunt. A distant aunt. We won't be contacting each other. I…I have nowhere to live for now. I'm in Vancouver."

I explain to my mother the situation. My mother cries during the entire phone call. This is the woman that loves me, the woman that has always loved me, the woman I have tried to get away from in order to search for the one that bore me. Life has a funny way of teaching one a lesson.

"Just come here, Sara. Come here, honey. Live with me. It's okay. You know it's fine. I'm living by myself. Your sister is going to college."

"Mum, my sister is going to York. You think she's actually gonna live in a dorm instead of her comfortable house?" The use of sister, mother, and father is strange now when I know my real family. It aches me how nothing's normal anymore, yet our minds can't process it yet.

"So what?" says Jessica. "Who's gonna help you with the baby? I will help you."

"I need my own life out of this poison, mum. I need a new life."

"How are you gonna get it?"

"I need money," I ask. "I'll give it back to you as soon as I'm on my feet again, I promise. I'm gonna look for jobs here. I have an MA now. I think I can find something."

My mother sighs at the burden that I am. I just want to be independent. It's time to be independent. Depending on others has gotten me to this point, being lost when I have nothing anymore.

The thing is, I have money. I have money stored in my and Tegan's account. But it's not my money. It's Tegan's. She used to help me. I know she is going to take all the money out and close the account as soon as possible. I have a baby coming to live with me soon. I have to be the mother I always dreamed to be in order to help this baby grow in a safe environment. And I honestly don't know if Vancouver is the right place to settle in, but I know that it's the place I lived most of my happy years in. I have so many memories in here and I know many things. I met Tegan here. I was with Emy here. I studied here. I belong here. It's the place I can call home and I don't want any other place. I don't want Toronto because I don't want to be reminded of my failure every time I wake up in my bedroom. I don't want Montreal or any other place far away because I don't want to be more lost than I am. I want a place that does not fear me, a place I don't fear. I don't care if I'll have to lie to anyone who I'll run into by accident if they asked me about Tegan. I doubt I'll run into anyone, anyway. But if I do, I'll lie well. People didn't even know we were dating. I guess that's the good side that came out of us not socializing much with people.

I dial up Rob next. I call him in order to vent. He listens because he's the best friend I can wish for. Not that Emy isn't, or Tegan wasn't. But I know I can count on Rob in times like these more than anyone. His support is what I seek, and his support is what I receive.

"I promise you that life will take you to a beautiful place. All you're going through is only making you stronger. You are strong, Sara. Can't you see that? You have the stamina of Wonder Woman and the will power of a goddess. This is a test. A harsh test, I know. A test that will make of you an unbreakable woman, you'll see. I know it's too hard to believe. I know I sound too optimistic, but you'll see."

Joy; however, gives me a different side of support, which makes me regret calling her. "I'm gonna murder that motherfucker. I'm gonna kill her, I swear. If I see her, I'll murder her with my bare hands."

"Relax, please." I don't know why I called her in the first place. I guess I'm feeling lonely and lost, but calling Joy is a mistake because she's still dramatic and she still hates Tegan. Now that she knows Tegan is my biological sister, she hates her more. Telling her she kicked me out isn't a good option at all.

"How can I relax when my sister is getting humiliated for something she hasn't done?"

_My sister…_

"I know you're hurting, Sara. I know that. You don't deserve any of what happened to you. Since you met Tegan, your life has gone downhill from there. You can't deny it."

No, I can't. But I can't say that the best years I've spent weren't with Tegan. I guess I should believe in the law of attraction. I wanted so much to find my biological family that they were presented for me on a silver plate; I was just too dense to see that.

At noon, I receive a call from a strange phone number. When I pick it up, I hear her voice. The voice that shakes me and leaves me speechless.

"Where should I send your stuff to? I wanna sell the place," she says, without even a hello.

"I…" I hesitate. I don't know what to tell her. I have no place yet. I'm homeless. "I don't have a place yet."

"I don't fucking care, Sara. Where are you staying? I have to sell the apartment and your stuff is in the way."

_Sell them_, I wanted to yell. But I couldn't. My stuff is my books, and I can't replace these. My stuff is my memories, and I can't sell these.

"I'm staying at Emy's."

She chuckles. "I knew it," she says mockingly.

After dinner I spend some time searching for jobs on the internet. I apply for any job I can at the moment, not necessarily in my major. I just want to be able to live and make ends meet in order to provide for my daughter.

Emy leaves the shower with fresh pajamas and a towel on her head. "Amber, come help me with the exercises, please." I squint at her before going in to take my shower.

If they hate each other that much, how come they can't do a single thing without one another? Amber makes the food for Emy and Emy fixes the broken drawers for Amber. They sat together to make a grocery list today then Amber helped Emy apply coconut oil on her body. After that, at dinner, Amber kept adding food in Emy's place while Emy continued asking her about her flue. In all honesty, Tegan and I only took care of each other like that in rare times. I know Emy and Amber can fix their issues. But I guess expecting a baby with a birth defect is hard on both of them. Emy seems stronger than Amber regarding their situation, which is actually strange because I know my friend too well to know such issue would have made her horrified. I suppose motherhood is too powerful to comprehend; a feeling I will never get to experience while raising my child. I don't even know how Tegan will cope with giving up her child, but I'm glad she's giving her up to me. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if this wasn't the deal. If she took the baby, too, I know I wouldn't be able to survive because now I have nothing to live for other than the expected infant.

"Any luck finding jobs?" Emy asks me in the room after my shower.

"I applied for some companies and schools." Now I'm using her hairdryer while looking at her through the mirror.

She's lying on her back, hands above her swollen tummy. "Honestly, Sare, I don't think you'll find jobs easily. People are complaining about unemployment."

"Thanks for the support." I roll my eyes, focusing on my brown locks, tired face, and lazy eyes.

"I'm just trying to keep you in the picture." She sighs when I don't answer her. "What I mean is don't give up on your online job."

"It doesn't pay enough."

She nods, sitting up slowly. "I know, but don't give up on it."

"Okay."

Before falling asleep, as I stare at the ceiling above, studying the faint light coming from the window, I ask Emy, "What exercises did Amber help you with today?"

"Some pregnancy exercises. A little bit of yoga." She pauses. "They said that the baby will come easily if I did these exercises. I don't think I'll have a natural birth and, at the same time, I can't have a C-Section because she will have slow development in the brain and I want her to take her time inside until she's ready." Her voice begins to break at the end. I touch her hand, rubbing the soft skin with my thumb. "I'm not prepared to say goodbye."

"Is it a strong chance she will…" I don't finish.

"No," Emy speaks up. "She might live till and even by then I don't think I'll be ready to say goodbye. There's a chance she might die in birth. There's a chance I might die."

"What caused this?" I feel like a jerk for asking but my curiosity is killing me.

"I honestly don't know," she answers. "I didn't even smoke nor drink during pregnancy. It's genetics, I guess. Some fucked up gene in me." I squeeze her hand.

"Amber cares about you," I comment. She doesn't answer. "Who would do all that if they hated their wife? Tegan only did that after she broke me to pieces."

"Well, Tegan isn't exactly part of the human race if you asked me." I don't answer her. Talking about Tegan hurts me. She will always be the tender spot in my chest. "I mean look at you, still stuttering, still limping, still consuming cortisone like candy."

"Yeah, now I'm as fat as a woman pregnant with quintuplets. It's okay, you can say it, Emy. Everybody pointed it out. Everybody gasps when they see me."

But Emy pointed out something I haven't noticed before. _Still stuttering._ I haven't noticed I'm stuttering until she mentioned it. And it's like my mind was playing tricks on me and I have adapted to the situation that, to me, is non-existent.

"The point, Sara, is that Tegan never treated you well and you know it. She knows it. Everyone knows it. And once she discovered the ugly truth, which you're not responsible for, she kicked you out of her life as if you meant nothing to her. She fucking gave up her baby. Does she even have feelings? Compassion?" I don't give her an answer because right now I'm choking on my sobs, on the pain that she just ignited. "I know my words are harsh and I'm sorry. I really am. I'm just trying to wake you up."

"I know."

"I loved Tegan a lot and, yes, she's still a friend. I know what happened was something she couldn't control, I know. But I care about you too much to see you hurt like that, and now you're dying in front of me I want nothing more than to seek revenge on your behalf because I know you're too fucking nice to do that. You have a kind heart, you can never hurt anyone." Yeah, a _kind heart._ What a shameful thing to have these days. "I'm watching my best friend and my first love shriveling and withering away right in front of me. I'm watching the life she once had getting sucked away. I can't stay silent. Remember how happy you were? Remember how funny? Remember how sarcastic and mean and lively? God, I miss you. I miss that bubbly Sara with shaggy hair and thick lisp jumping around in her dorm room, fighting with the video game, drinking coffee and making a plan to quit university. I miss my Sara. I miss that Sara that was too dramatic, exaggerated all her emotions and all her feelings, loved too much, was too shy to have sex if it's not in the dark, but dirty-minded enough to turn me on and get away with it, too annoyed of everything, too disgusted, a clean freak who spotted dirt from a street away. I miss that Sara. I miss her."

"She's gone."

"And who killed her?"

I don't give her an answer. I cry more. It's her turn to give my hand a squeeze.

"Time is a bitch, I know." I don't know how we moved from talking about her relationship to my fucked up life, but I guess she really made me see things I couldn't see. "Amber and I can fix our problems but we both know I won't ever love her as much as I love you."

"Emy…"

"I know, I know." She sighs. "I'm not asking that from you."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's mine. I never got over you."

"It's not like you can control it. I mean…I love Tegan…I love my sister."

The sun comes down and another morning strikes me with its cruel presence. I find Amber rubbing Emy's back in the living room when I wake up. Emy is crying heavily.

"Is she okay?"

"She usually wakes up with a terrible back ache. She'll calm down."

The scene takes me back in time, when Tegan used to do the same to me. I swallow my tears and head towards the kitchen to prepare my coffee. I check my phone to find a text message from Tegan's new number.

_Your things will arrive tomorrow. I sent some of the baby stuff, too. You better find a place before she arrives._

I roll my eyes at my screen. If she cared about the baby, she wouldn't have kicked her away from her life. But I'm glad she did.

And, yes, I have to find a place before my baby arrives but first I need a job. How will I pay rent without a job?

Amber is too nice. She offers staying at her place for the time being until I find a job. I can't be more thankful for her. I hope I find one before the baby arrives.

However, days pass and Vancouver becomes a stranger to me when I knock on each door without any luck. Employers look for experience, the same old fucked up alibi.

Emy's belly becomes bigger and her issues increase. She moves from doctor to another; from one hospital to another as the baby in her womb gives her a hard time. But the good thing that comes out of this is that she and Amber are slowly reconciling.

"Without you we wouldn't have reached this point," Amber says. "Thank you, Sara." Amber thinks me coming here made Emy get in touch with her feelings and herself. She thinks that I had something to do with it, while it's natural for human beings to lean towards the soft hearts that are gentle to them instead of crawling in dirt for the stony ones that couldn't care less about them. Me showing Emy that there is no way I can be with her or give her love made her recoil and accept the love given to her by her wife.

"What about the man?" I ask Amber. "Still seeing him?" She shakes her head guiltily. "It's your fault, too."

"I know. I apologized."

In the middle of March, Emy returns to her original bedroom with her wife. They begin preparing the nursery but I know both of them are not too much into it. I keep hearing _'who cares' and 'but what if…?' _which leaves my heart broken for them. Why can't anybody be happy?

"If we lose her, we'll make a new one," I hear Amber saying one evening. The door of the nursery is open as I step outside and watch my friend crying with both hands covering her face. Her wife sitting beside her, rubbing her back.

"She'll have disabilities till we lose her. Disabilities all her life…her limited life." Amber looks at me with a helpless frown. I don't know what to do or what to say. It seems like it has just hit Emy what the situation is. "I wish I aborted her. Oh my God, I'm so stupid."

"You're not," Amber whispers. "You're a loving mother. We will love her and she will love us and I know it's something hard to raise a child with disabilities but we will do it. We can do it. She will only have us and we have to empower her. We can't make her feel bad."

I leave the room and head towards the guest bedroom, envying the love this woman has for Emy. They had issues when I came and they fixed them up like civil human beings. I could never do that properly with Tegan. Did Tegan ever love me or was it just a need to have me?

My thoughts are cut short when I receive a call I was not expecting from Sonia.

"Sara," she says panting. "Tegan is in labor. Please take a flight to Calgary right now."

_And that's when my entire life has changed, Sally. It was the day of your arrival. Tegan was birthing you and, while watching, a new life was being birthed inside of me. _

I arrive at 9:00 PM that day, expecting to see my sister with a newborn in her arms. But, when I arrive to Sonia's house, I hear the screaming and crying loud and vibrant inside the entire house.

"She's still in labor. It's been seven hours," her mother says when she opens the door. Tears cover her face. Blood stains her shirt.

"She's due next week."

"No," she says as we go upstairs in a hurry. "You calculated wrong."

The closer I get to the bathroom, the louder are the noises. I hear her whiny sobs and her curses as she screams for her mother.

"I left her alone. I shouldn't leave her alone." Sonia enters the bathroom and I follow timidly, as if it is not the woman I dated for eight years in there, as if this isn't the baby I was expecting with her she's birthing now alone, as if nothing has happened between us, as if I'm a stranger.

The first look I take hurts my sight. Here is Tegan, naked in a tub full of red water, pushing her guts out, tears staining her face, sweat coating her brows and wetting her hair. The midwife is screaming for her to push, hands between her spread legs.

"Momma, come here," cries my sister. "Please, don't leave me." My tears instantly start to fall when she holds on to our mother's hand the way she should be holding mine. "I can't take it."

"You can do it," Sonia says gently. "Come on. We're close."

"I can see the head, Tegan," the midwife announces, making Tegan smile and cry at the same time. "Just give me one strong push."

I approach closer to the tub, still too careful to make a sound. I don't want to be rejected in this moment. I don't want her to send a mean word towards me. I want to witness the birth. It's the moment I've been waiting for.

"Please, please, get her out," Tegan cries, her head leaning back as she tries to push.

"You're not pushing well. Push more...push."

She shakes her head violently, and while doing that, she spots me standing there. Her eyes open as tears fall from them. "I can't," she says, without averting her gaze. "I can't."

"Yes, you can," her mother says sternly. She squeezes her eyes shut then opens them again. "Please try."

"You can, Tegan. Just take a deep breath and squeeze your mother's hand and push." She shakes her head again. "Take her hand, too." The midwife points at me. "You're close, dear. Your baby wants to get out." Tegan looks at me again, but I'm too scared to move towards her to take her other hand.

"Sara," Sonia calls. "Come here. Grab her hand."

"Is she…okay with it?" when I speak, I notice that my voice is barely audible due to my excessive crying.

"Tee?" Sonia looks at her and Tegan, surprisingly, nods.

And that's when I finally spot the hope I was searching for from Tegan. She does not hate me as I thought.

I take her hand and feel mine breaking quickly at the pressure she puts on it. I look at my mother's scratched, red hand and swallow hard as I stare at my sister's pained face.

"Come on, Tegan. Why don't you try?" the midwife says. "Take a deep breath and push with all the strength you have."

Tegan closes her eyes, breathing in and out slowly. I look down at her nude chest and large belly, then down between her legs. I see the hands of the midwife holding the head of my daughter and soon feel queasy at the sight. I look up quickly when I feel Tegan's hand killing mine. She lets out the loudest scream I have ever heard from her as she pushes. I look down again to see the midwife slowly pulling the baby. I feel like hurling but I can't do it now. I take a deep breath and look up at her face again.

"She's almost out. Just one push. One last push. Come on," shouts the midwife.

"Please, God," she cries as her strength withers. "Please, get out," she says the last word loudly as she pushes. I look down again as I watch the baby slowly appearing from between her legs. "Oh my God," she cries in fear and shock, looking at the baby held upside down in front of her, still holding my hand.

"You did it," Sonia says. "You did it."

I'm too hypnotized to look back at her. I look at the tiny wriggling infant as the midwife cuts the umbilical cord attached to her mother. She slaps her bum three times until my baby starts crying and I start crying as if I have never cried before. I cover my face with my hands, pulling away from Tegan against my will, and weep.

I will have to narrate this moment as mine. I will have to steal Tegan's birth story. I will have to lie to my child when I know too well this moment is not mine, but hers. I feel jealous. Why do I feel jealous?

What makes it worse for me is seeing the baby thrown at her as she tries to stay conscious.

"She needs stitches," the midwife announces. "That's a huge tear in there."

Sonia takes a look between Tegan's legs as I look into her eyes. She shows no emotion towards me.

"Oh my…" She jumps and I jump at her reaction, looking at the baby latching on her right breast naturally, without any guidance, without any effort.

She appears to be horrified and scared as she looks down, holding the small baby in her arms.

"Mama," she calls in horror. Sonia looks up, wonder and amazement in her eyes.

Slowly, I back away as my jealousy rises.

"It's okay. Just hold her. It's natural, honey. Just this time. Don't push her away." My eyes meet Sonia's as I step away from the bathroom and run down to the living room to cry. I can never do that. I can never put her against my breast and feed her. I will never bond with her like a real mother. She will never feel it.

I text my mother that Tegan has given birth as soon as I am alone downstairs, crying my eyes out, scared and confused. Just a moment later I receive a text message from mum:

_I'm coming down to Calgary. The keys of our old house are with your cousin. I'll call him to prepare them. Don't book a hotel room. I'm coming down today, don't worry._

When I look up, I find Sonia beside me. A frown on her face, tears running down her lids.

"Can I talk to you?" I shrug. "Without any defensive response from you? Please?"

I allow her to speak, remaining silent and reposed.

"I know how you feel." I doubt she does. "You're not the one who gave birth to her. You won't breastfeed her. You feel like you won't have that special bond with her."

"No," I exclaim. "You don't know this feeling. My mother does, not you."

"Sara…"

"The woman who found me outside of her door. She knows that feeling. You don't know it." I wipe some more tears. "And I'm gonna experience it again while this baby right here is going to experience the same feeling I have always felt. But I'm not stupid. I won't tell her she has a mother or father who left. I'll tell her and tell the world I had her on my own because I wanted her. She should feel loved, wanted, and safe."

"Why are you acting as if it was my decision to give you up?" Sonia asks calmly. "You know the story too well. If it isn't for my stupid mother, we wouldn't be here."

I don't answer her. She's right. It was not her decision.

"I'm the one who supported and still supports you and Tegan staying together and hiding whatever mess fate has caused."

"I know." And it's what I want, too. I want to be with her. I miss her.

"Then don't go acting as if I'm the villain. I always supported you even when I didn't know you were my daughter."

"You're not my mother," I interrupt.

"Excuse me?"

"You're not," I repeat. "You gave birth to me, okay. But you're not my mother. I have a mother, a sister, and a father. Don't try to be my mother now. You don't know much about me. You helped me. You were kind. I appreciate that. But you're not my mother."

"Okay."

"And that's what the baby's going to know. The story we're gonna tell her is that I found my biological parents through a funny coincidence at university when Tegan became my roommate. That's what I should have searched for when I suspected the strange similarities, and that's what you should have done, too."

"I wasn't sure," Sonia whispers. "I was told you died. I wasn't sure."

"We can't change anything now."

The silence invades the next minute as I cry some more. She puts her hand on my shaking leg to stop it. "Come with me upstairs. You have to learn how to bathe her, change for her and hold her." Sonia stands up. She smiles softly, giving me her hand to take. "Come on. You have to hold her. Let her get used to you. Babies don't know who their mothers are when they're a day old. They'll just get used to the people they're always surrounded by."

I go upstairs again with Sonia leading me to the bathroom. Tegan's still in there nursing the baby. She looks at us with her swollen tired eyes.

"She won't leave it," she says innocently. I almost laugh but I don't. However, a smile appears on my face. A smile that annoys her.

Sonia laughs, though. It's a small giggle. "She's hungry, I guess," the older woman says. She take the baby from Tegan gently, but soon enough the crying begins. "Shuuush. It's okay, little one. It's okay. Come on. Let's meet mommy." I look at Tegan instantly. I find her glaring eyes scanning me as her mother approaches me with the newborn. "Hold her the way I'm doing. Be careful."

"She's bloody," I say in disgust. I'm not even sure where to place my hand. She's small and dirty. She won't stop shrieking. Sonia laughs again. "I don't know how." I start to cry. It's like a push of a button for me. Everything now leads to tears.

"Just put a hand under her armpit and one on her bum, then when she's in your arms, move your hand to support her head. We'll wash her now."

"Why don't you wrap her in a blanket? She'll get cold." I turn around, looking at the midwife. "You have to put on a diaper for her. Take her outside as I help Tegan take quick shower and then you can wash her."

"Good idea." Sonia snaps her fingers. "I got distracted. Hold her. I'll come back with her things." I am clueless. I don't know how to raise a child.

I don't know what I'm doing. As soon as I get her close to my chest, I feel her peeing on me. Sonia comes back to see me more disgusted and more scared, while Tegan is trying her best to remain awake as the midwife helps her up slowly.

"Oh, she peed on you." I nod in shock. "Welcome to motherhood, Sara." I want to tell Sonia not to speak like that in front of Tegan because it's clearly making her feel upset. She's looking at us with tears in her eyes and I can't say nor do anything about it.

We sit in Tegan's room. Sonia shows me all the stuff of the nameless baby Tegan didn't send. Most of these clothes and items were shopped for by me and Tegan. I spot new things like bottles, diapers, pacifiers, and some more clothes and undergarments. I wonder what happened to the nursery we worked so hard on. All the colors, the themes. This was supposed to be our moment. We would have been so happy. God, why did this happen to us? I just need one simple answer.

"You're gonna stay here for now?"

"No. I'll stay in my parents' house till I can go back to Vancouver."

"You have to stay here a little bit. She's a day old, Sara."

"I know," I mutter, confused and lost.

"Wait here, please." She disappears momentarily from the room.

I take the chance to look at the baby. Her eyes are now closed as she rests in my arms, wrapped up in white sheets. Her small hands are closed and somehow her nails are long. It makes me giggle looking at the tiny everything that she owns. This is mine. She's my baby.

"I want you to take this." She hands me an envelope. "It's not much but it can help you for now. At least find a place for you and her. I'll help with the rent."

"No." I push her hand away. "I don't need money."

"You don't have money."

"I do," I lie.

"Sara, please. I'm trying to help you."

"I don't need anyone's help."

We are interrupted by Tegan and the midwife, slowly walking towards the bed. My ex lover is limping as she walks, wincing in pain. She's clad in a big black t-shirt and thin, patterned pajama pants.

I stand up when she sits on her mattress. I try to look elsewhere but her face, but I fail. I fail miserably because I love her and I want to be with her in this moment. I want to hold her and make her feel better.

"I guess my job here is done," the midwife announces. "Now, Tegan, as we agreed. Don't move much these couple of days. Your stitches are still fresh. Don't use tampons. Vitamins and good food will get you back as healthy as ever within a week. If anything happens, you head to the ER urgently."

Sonia leads the woman out of the room and downstairs, while I stand still in an awkward room with a whiny baby in my arms.

"Please take care of her," I'm caught by surprise hearing that. I look up at the crying woman, too tired to open her eyes. Tears are running past them as she rests her head back against the headboard. I always thought a home birth wouldn't be good for her and I fear her health might deteriorate at the moment.

"Of course I will."

Sonia comes back again. She takes the baby from me and starts rocking her. "That's how you do it, otherwise she won't stop moaning." Tegan opens her eyes again, looking at her mother and…our baby. "Oh, boy, did she already poop?" Sonia looks inside her diaper and wrinkles her nose.

"It's because she just got fed."

"Name her." Both of us look at the woman with the raspy voice lying in bed. "She has no name. Are you gonna keep on saying she and her?"

"I…I didn't prepare a name." I bite at my lower lip, not sure what to do. I have no name in mind. We always fought about the name before the catastrophe. After that I stopped thinking of names.

"Yes, you did," Tegan argues. "You wanted Sally. Call her that."

"But you…"

"You're her mother," she cuts me off. "You call her whatever you want."

"Okay," Sonia puts an end to an argument sure to start if not stopped. "Sally...Sally is a nice name."

"Alright," I agree quietly. "Sally."

"Come on, Sara. Let's go bathe her and change her diaper. Tegan, try to rest right now." Sonia kisses her forehead. "You did a wonderful job. Sleep, honey."

I spend the entire night in Sonia's room as we try to get Sally to stop crying. She teaches me how to prepare milk for her and feed her. She tells me tricks to make her stop crying at night.

I change the diaper for Sally two times until I get the hang of it. "Is she gonna need lots of changing like that every day?"

"Yes, she will." I should have read some motherhood books because I am quite clueless. I just thought me and Tegan were going to do this together, figure it all out together. I didn't think I was going to feel lost and overwhelmed.

When my mother arrives, I call a cab to pick me up to go to her house.

"I prefer you stay here," Sonia says at 6:00 in the morning.

"No," I answer coldly. "I prefer staying with my mother. Plus, Tegan doesn't want me or Sally here."

"That's not true," Sonia says but I ignore her and walk down the stairs. "Am I not gonna see her at all? She's my grandchild after all."

"You can see her whenever you wish." I stand at the door, looking at the older woman who has the same eyes I own. "Thank you, Sonia."

My mother and sister give me the hugs that I was too afraid to receive. The hugs of sympathy and pity. My mother starts crying immediately when she sees the baby in my arms. The baby starts crying too as the noises stir her sleep.

I didn't know Joy was going to be here, too. I was afraid of that. I don't want anyone to make me feel bad about myself more than I do. After finishing her sequence of cursing Tegan, she finally relaxes and gives me a hand with the constantly crying infant.

"She's so beautiful," she says as she looks at the small toddler lying on the mattress. Joy on my right and mother on my left as we face Sally. "I think she's gonna look like you."

"Joy," mother scolds.

"What? I've seen Sara's baby pictures."

I sigh, ignoring both of them as I attempt to feed my baby. When I came, mother told me to give her another shower. She showed me how to wash her hair properly and how to burp her. Mum cut her nails as I started dressing her.

"She's not liking it," Jessica says. "At all."

"I know." I rub my sleepy eyes and proceed, praying Sally would accept the milk in the bottle.

"This is what happened when I got you. But you were two months old. You were already used to your mother's milk…Oh, I'm sorry."

The word '_mother' _now sends a sharp pinch to my nerves, making me flinch whenever somebody says it.

"Pick her up," Jessica orders. "I'll show you a trick I did with you. I'll show you how to bond."

Carefully, I pick the small, whiny baby in my arms, waiting for directions.

"Unbutton your shirt."

"Mum, no."

"Do it. Come on. It's not what you think."

Awkwardly, I begin unbuttoning my blue shirt, revealing my bra-clad chest. I huff, waiting for more directions.

"Put her against your chest. Close to you. Let her feel your skin close to her. Let her feel your heartbeat."

"That's so weird, man," Joy comments but I roll my eyes at her.

Mum is right. When Sally's head touches my chest, she calms down. I feel her soft breaths on my upper chest and start crying right away.

"It's gonna be okay," mother tells me. Her hand brushes my hair while I kiss my baby's head, finally feeling like she's my own baby. "Nobody knows how hard this is more than I do, Sara. I've been there, my dear." I know that. I know it too well. Now I know everything.

"Eww, she's sucking at your chest," Joy points at my baby. "She wants your boob, dude."

"It's okay. Don't reject her." I'm not rejecting her, but at the same time I'm not comfortable with this. I feel bad for her. She wants to feed from her mother like every other baby.

"Damn, she thinks you have milk."

"I know."

"Isn't there, like, some fake boob you can attach that has milk and feed her? I saw that in a movie. Like, I don't know, something to delude her that you're feeding her, but you're not."

"Joy, shut up," mum says. "Shut up or leave the room."

"Jeez, calm down, I'm trying to help." My sister stands up to leave. Finally.

I spend the rest of the night like that with Sally until she falls asleep. I put her down and fall asleep beside her until she wakes up again demanding to be fed. When I give her the bottle, she rejects it again. Whenever I try to place it in her mouth, she shrieks with cries. Mum enters the room to help me but we stay like this for hours trying to make her drink the milk we made.

"This is not good. We have to do something about this. She won't accept it," Jessica says.

"Maybe it's bad. Maybe she doesn't like it?"

"I tried it. It's normal. There's nothing wrong with it."

"Maybe she just wants her real mother," defeated and helpless, I loudly ponder.


	32. Chapter 32

**Tegan**

**March 2013**

"It's going to be okay," my mother says through the loud, monotonous ringtone of my constant sobbing. "It has to be okay." I can hear her doubt through her words.

It is not going to be okay.

How can she know when she has not gone through such a catastrophe? How can she know when nobody has ever gone through such a disaster?

I've been crying for two days now. Two whole days. I didn't stop for a second. I couldn't sleep because I was crying. If I stopped a bit, I thought a little and my tears resumed the moment after. Since I've reached Calgary two days ago, I haven't stopped crying.

I thought I could continue with this cold and bitchy attitude I was giving everyone. I thought I was okay. I thought things were going to be okay because I am that invincible woman I thought I am. I didn't shed a single tear selling the apartment. I didn't shed a tear texting Sara like the heartless motherfucker I am. Or should I say sister-fucker? I thought I was tough. I blamed everyone for this crippling calamity, but I didn't blame myself. I didn't stop to think for a second. I didn't think about myself and how insanely incapable I am of functioning like a normal ordinary human without her. I forgot that I cannot live a second without her. I forgot how completely and utterly dependent I am on her. I broke her body and begged her to forgive me. I shattered her and dragged her back to me and then all of a sudden I threw her because of what? Because laws say we can't love each other? Because of someone's ancient mistake? Because of a mysterious, suspicious past? Because of society? Because I am a child of this sick society and I was immediately disgusted after the revelation?

Why?

I ask myself why with each tear that escapes my swollen eyes. Why didn't I let it go? Why couldn't I solve it normally? Why can't I do that? Why isn't there anything in me that can take back the medicine that I need to survive?

And how am I going to survive now with her away from me?

How am I going to be normal with her and my daughter away?

I wanted this baby. I wanted a family. I wanted everything we deserved but I guess the universe thinks I am such a bad human that it was willing to deprive me of all these good things everyone can easily have.

Yeah, that's me. It's been like that since ever. Why am I even surprised?

What did I ever do to deserve this? I never killed anyone. I never stole. I didn't hurt anyone.

Maybe that's punishment because of how much I hurt her?

Yeah. I am a bad person. That's why this baby can't stay with a fuck up like me. I am a lunatic. I am a magnet for disaster.

Sara was fine and happy before I entered her life. When I did, her life turned to a living hell.

Hell, I know I'm the living hell walking on foot. I am the mouth of this hellish doom I dragged her in.

Out of all people I ended up a roommate to my sister. I loved my sister. I fucked my sister. I made a baby with my sister. Out of all people.

Am I the unlucky one or is she the unlucky one for getting stuck in my endless circle of torment?

Well, I think she's unlucky because, honestly, I'm just a fucked up human being. I deserve all this. I certainly do.

"You're gonna hurt yourself and your baby," again I hear my mother's voice and feel her hand rubbing my sweaty back.

Hurt myself, okay. Hurt the baby? No, no, that's not acceptable. "She's not my baby," I shout at my mother.

"Just calm down. Please." My mum seems scared of me, as if I am a monster ready to devour her.

Well, after what I have done to Sara, she can't be blamed for fearing me. I am a monster.

Jeremy visits as soon as he learns I am hidden in my mother's house. He gives me a soothing hug and hears me as I cry in my room.

"I wish I can tell you something that can make this fucking disaster a bit better but there's honestly nothing to say that's gonna make this better."

"Don't say anything," I answer quietly. "I'm tired of hearing people's stupid lies."

"This is just…unbelievable."

"Well, believe it," I say rudely.

He remains silent.

"What am I gonna do without my baby?" I lose it once again to my sobs. I look at him with a foggy vision due to the excessive tears blurring my sight. "How am I going to live without her?"

"Why…why did you give her up?" he asks timidly.

"I don't want her to live the way I lived. I am a fuck up. I can't raise her alone. I'll be another version of my mother, maybe worse. I am mentally ill. I can barely take care of me to take care of a child." I chuckle, rubbing my huge belly. "God knows I can't even take care of me. Sara did take care of me and I…well, I just fucked her up big time."

"I just wish to ask a question but…please be gentle with your reaction."

Of course he'll ask that. I am, to everyone, an abusive bitch.

"Ask," I say gruffly.

"Why couldn't you just let it go and stay with her? It's not like you guys were raised together for her to be a sister. I mean, biologically, she is. But, you know, you are technically strangers. I mean…" He groans. "Fuck, forget it."

I wish I can stay with her because he's right. He's absolutely right.

"If I didn't know, I'd still be with her. I wish I didn't have to know."

And the day I feared mostly comes all of a sudden without me expecting it. I feel pain in the morning. I feel normal cramps. Usual period cramps that I inform my mother about over breakfast. She looks at me for a moment then her eyes widen.

"Contractions," she yells. "You're having contractions," she says again as I squeeze my eyes shut with every wave of pain.

"What the fuck are contractions?"

"I think you're in labor," my mother says, standing up quickly. I begin to panic immediately. My breathing becomes heavy and my eyes tear up. "Relax." She kneels in front of me and puts her hand above my belly. "Just relax. Take a deep breath." I do as I am told. "Does it hurt badly?" I shake my head. "It comes and goes?" I nod, already feeling the pain back again. "How many minutes are between each contraction?" I shrug. "I need answers, Tegan."

"I don't know."

"Ten minutes between each one?"

"Less." I take a deep breath again and squeeze my eyes as the pain returns. "Oh, God," I scream because the pain is worse this time.

"These are definitely contractions." I can witness the nerves in my mother's actions even though she's trying to be calm and collected.

She helps me up to my room but as I am climbing up the stairs another wave of pain hits. I sit down and hold my abdomen while tears start to collect in my eyes.

"I have to call the midwife right away."

"Each time it's worse than the other."

"I know, trust me."

I reach my room and lie on my bed. I rest my head on my pillow and close my eyes. I can feel my heart beating. I'm not sure I'm ready for this moment. My entire body is going numb due to fear and nerves. I didn't imagine I was gonna go through this process without Sara. I need her beside me as I birth this baby. She has to take the baby before I get used to her because I know I will. My cries increase as I watch my mother talking to the midwife.

"She says it's still early to deliver. These contractions are gonna continue." I nod. "You should sleep, honey." I shake my head, suppressing a loud sob accompanied by a scream. "Try to, Tegan. You have to be strong to deliver. Your body should be strong. Come on, dear. I'll get in bed with you."

Mum must knows; she knows I need her to do anything at the moment. She knows why I'm crying. She kisses my forehead and rubs my back gently. She lets me cry until I fall asleep, only realizing I have slept when I am awakened by an excruciating pain in my back. I scream loudly as I feel the wetness between my legs. My mother comes inside; her fear-stricken face is in all shades of yellow and red.

"My water broke," I fill her in, trying to control my breathing. I reach for my inhaler to aid my lungs. She reaches for her phone quickly to call the midwife.

"We have to prepare the tub," she tells me after her phone call. I already feel dizzy because of the growing pain.

"It hurts so bad," I whine as she helps me get rid of my clothes.

"We have to know how dilated you are. I'm not gonna…you know, do that. I'll wait for the midwife." I ignore her words to focus on the most hurtful pain I've ever endured. I take a hold of her hand and squeeze. "Oh shit, are you already pushing?" she helps me in the half empty tub. "No, Tegan, baby, don't push." I push again to get rid of the pain, feeling my entire body on fire and lead. "Shit. Where is she?"

"Call Sara," I cry loudly. "Call her please."

_What I thought would end soon, actually ended up taking eight full hours of screaming and crying. Maybe I couldn't do it until Sara came, but when she finally did I felt better, much better. I've never endured such pain. I don't think I can ever describe it to you, Sally. Part of me wishes you won't have to try it, part of me wishes that you'll be a mother one day and try it. I guess the choice isn't mine. That pain; though, made me feel like I was losing too much. I thought to myself, 'how can I bear this fucking soreness and give her away? She's part of me. I can't just give her up.' It was so hard watching my mother take you away from my breast to give you to Sara. I was pleading with my eyes for you to stay away from me because just this little gesture made me get attached. That day was the best and worst day of my life. You came into my life but you weren't going to stay in it. Nobody will ever know this feeling. Nobody will ever be able to tell how hollow and empty I felt. _

I jump when they hand me the tiny infant, forcing me to stay awake. I look at Sara for a second, begging her to take this helpless being away from me. Before I can voice my plea, I feel the baby latch on my nipple. "Oh my…" I gasp, trying to tame down my reaction so I don't scare the baby. "Mama…" I call for my mother. Someone has to take her away. I can't force her to stop feeding. I can't do it on my own.

""It's okay. Just hold her. It's natural, honey. Just this time. Don't push her away." It's honestly a strange feeling. It's not comfortable. Maybe it's the growing fear within me, maybe I'm just not used to this nor do I want to get used to it.

I look at Sara, but she's already getting out of the room. She turns around and leaves quickly. I look back at my mother, frowning and crying. Sonia sighs and follows her. Is this all my fault? Did I ruin everything?

The baby in my arms seems so innocent. She doesn't understand what's going on. She's feeding as if she hasn't eaten in ages. I can't but smile, softly caressing her soft hairs. She's dirty and full of blood but I don't care. She looks like the most beautiful thing I've ever held. Her eyes are barely open, the color isn't that clear; they almost look like two crystals. Her lips are pink and tiny. She has the smallest button nose I've seen. Her nails are long. Her ears are red. Her feet are small. She's healthy and carefree. She's mine.

All beautiful thoughts halt as soon as my mother and Sara return, and my mother takes the baby away from me to give her to Sara. I wanted her to stop feeding so I can start getting used to not having her, but when mother took her, I immediately froze.

I take a look at Sara, lost and unable to figure out how to deal with the newborn in her arms. The baby pees on her. She's shaking, she's confused. I'm confused, too. Not because holding the baby was confusing but because I was stupid enough to give her up before even meeting her. I wish I can take my words back but what's done is done. Plus, I know too well she'll be better off with Sara. Sara knows how to take care of people. I don't know how to do that.

When mum and Sara leave the bathroom, the midwife helps me wash up. The pain between my legs is torturous. I can barely sit properly or stand. She tells me that this is gonna last for a few days until I begin to heal.

"Urinating is going to be a bit hard for you. That tear is huge." I try to look down between my legs but she lifts up my face immediately. "Don't look right now." I nod my head, unable to discuss anything with her because I'm too dizzy to speak. "It'll look better in few hours, don't worry." I nod again. "Alright, so you're gonna need to use these pads this week until the bleeding becomes normal then you can use any pad you want." She shows me a bag of huge sanitary pads that my eyes widen looking at. She laughs. "I know. Back to middle ages."

"Why? Am I going to bleed so much?"

"Postpartum bleeding is normal. You can't use a tampon, however."

"For how long?"

"First week is heavy the rest will be normal. After two or three weeks it's going to be mostly discharge but it depends. Maximum six weeks."

"Holy fuck." She laughs once again. "Pads give me a rash."

"These ones are soft. Don't worry." I sigh as she helps me get dressed. "I'm guessing you're not gonna breastfeed." I shake my head. "That's gonna be tough a bit at the beginning until your milk stops. You have to take drugs for that but not now. You have to wait a bit." I know that. Mum already told me. In all honesty, everything sucks. Everything is hard. The entire process or concept is tough if one isn't fully ready for it. Though I thought I was ready for it. I thought it was going to be worth it. Fate decided that I am not ready, neither is Sara.

They let me sleep after they name the baby and leave my room. In the morning, I wake up with Sally gone.

I wake up to a terrible pain in my lower abdomen, pain that makes me weep in my bed, unable to get up. My mother helps me to the bathroom. One other thing worse than this pain is sitting on the toilet to pee.

"It fucking hurts. I can't take it." I take a strong hold of my mother's sleeve as I try to pee.

"I know. It'll get better."

But it doesn't feel like it's going to. My body starts to miss this baby I only met for an hour. I try to eat but I don't feel hungry. I try to watch television but I give up to my grief and resume crying. My mother says that's just me going through afterbirth depression, but she should be the one person who knows too well how it feels to have your child taken away from you.

"Sara's still here, Tegan. With her mother." My mother decides it's best to sleep next to me at night. I don't mind that. In fact, I need that. She talks to me for a bit, making my tears halt. "I can get her to visit tomorrow for you to see Sally."

"I'm already attached. I can't get more attached."

She sighs in defeat. "I wish I can make you feel better, but it's just a feeling you'll have to live with until you make another child."

I chuckle at the absurdity of her thoughts. "I won't have another."

"You think so."

"No, I know so. I won't love anyone again. I still…love her."

She sighs again.

"My breasts hurt badly. They leak a lot."

"You have to pump them. Why don't you do that? We'll give the milk to Sara before she goes."

I turn myself to the other side and ignore her suggestion. I close my eyes while tears continue to pass.

The next day doesn't seem better at all. I feel worse. I try to free the milk in my breast by squeezing it out while taking a shower. What's not helping are the three holes in each nipple because of my old piercings. I have leaked the entire time I'm asleep.

I wake up the day after at dawn, feeling suffocated, tired, unable to breathe well, unable to stay at home. I discover the beginning of a rash when I pee so I get rid of the pads and use a tampon. I change my clothes and sneakily leave the house. It's cold outside. It's freezing. But if I stay home more than this, I am going to lose it.

I take a long walk. I walk miles and miles. The second becomes a minute and the minute becomes an hour. I feel a growing pain between my legs but ignore it. I spot the old coffee house I used to get my coffee from in high school. I tread to it and order a cup of black coffee and a doughnut. As I begin munching on my breakfast I remember Sara and how much she loved a classic jelly doughnut. Slowly, I start to think of her and Sally. I start to wonder what she's doing now. Is she sleeping well? Probably not. My kid is probably crying till morning. Does she miss me? Do they both want me and miss me?

I make myself angry and frustrated with my thoughts so I head home quickly. My steps turn into runs until I reach my place, watching my mother with a grave glare on her face.

"Where were you?" she shouts. "I've been worried sick. You didn't even take your phone." She starts crying.

"I was just around there corner. I wanted to walk a bit. I wanted some air. Just chill."

I go up to my room and head to the bathroom. Somehow the bleeding has become worse, or maybe because I'm using a tampon. I remove it and insert another one. I change my clothes and lie down to cope with the sudden pain my uterus decided to surprise me with.

"Tegan," I hear my mother's voice before she enters. "Want some tea?" I nod quickly, feeling sharp pains between my legs. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Alright."

She returns with my tea, a sandwich, and a heating pad. "Use this. It will help you."

"I'm not hurt," I lie. She will probably think I'm hurt because I was walking so I can't tell her that I'm in pain quite similar to that of birth.

"Well, it seems that you are."

The tea and the heating pad make me feel better, but the sandwich makes me feel nauseous. Cyndi comes up to me meowing loudly and I take her in my arms to pet her. The only thing left of Sara is this cat. I haven't told her I took it and I won't. She gets the baby I get the cat and I think that's fair for us. I was forced to change my number by the stupidity and stubbornness of my mind. I didn't want her to call. I didn't want anyone to call. I changed my number then ended up calling her on it. Now I check my phone each minute to see if she sent something, but why would she? I'm the one who kicked her and my kid away.

At noon the pain increases, making me unable to do anything. I curl up in bed and squeeze my legs together as I feel sharp stings between them. I begin to sweat but at the same time I feel myself freezing. I know by now I have a fever but I don't know what's going on with me. I close my eyes for a second as tears start to run across my face. I have never felt such pain. Everything in me is fighting. Everything in me is breaking.

"Mum," I call, but she doesn't hear me. I can't raise my voice. I feel like I'm going to faint. I try to get up. I have to tell her. I feel my legs going numb. I kick my blanket but I see a view that makes me shudder.

I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding my entire guts out if that's possible. It's not normal. It's increasing. The more I look the harder I cry. "Mum, mum, mum," I shout, hoping she's not downstairs, hoping she's not outside. "Mum, come here. Mum."

"What's going?" her panicking voice rings through me as she comes inside with her towel wrapped around her body and her hair wet and dripping. "Oh my god," she shrieks. "What happened? What did you do?"

"I don't know. Don't yell at me. I don't know." I sniffle and shake and cry and weep. She holds me up with both hands but I can't even stand. "No, it hurts. It fucking hurts," I shout at her, pushing her hands off me.

"What hurts?" she asked, panicking and scared.

"Everything." I sit on the floor and weep.

"Let me look at your stitches," she's shouting and I hate that. I hate her loud voice. I hate her anger. I want Sara. I want someone gentle. Sara would have been gentle. She would have known how to take care of this situation. "I think you fucking tore them open."

"Stop shouting, please."

"I'm sorry." She sits on the floor next to me. "I'm worried. Let me take you to the bathroom. You're bleeding heavily." I nod, taking her hand. She helps me limp my way to the bathroom.

When she rids me off my clothes she gasps loudly. I cover my mouth right after I look at the heinous view. "Why did you use a tampon?" she yells again, pulling it out quickly."Are you stupid? You have an infection. Your stitches are open. I have to take you to the hospital." Her screams are loud enough to make me lose consciousness of what's around me. I begin to block her to feel better. If she shouts more I might hit her and I can't do that, I have to resist it.

"Tegan, get up. Try to. I have to get you to the car. I have to get you to the hospital," her voice calms down but she can't understand that I don't even have the power to get up. She tries her best to pull me to the bathtub, but she ends up falling next to me. She starts to cry. "Oh God, please don't let me lose you."

Once she gets me in the bathtub, she washes me thoroughly but the sting between my legs increases and I start to scream. She's very quick but it seems too slow because of the torture I'm in. She dresses me then dresses herself with clothes she finds in my closet. In the hospital I'm soon anesthetized from the waist down as doctors and nurses gather between my legs, touching and stitching. My mother is crying softly as I try to push every hope within me out of the darkness of my despair, because I honestly don't think I can live with this soul that I carry, with the losses I have endured, with nothing to look forward to.

I'm put to bed rest at the hospital for the night until I can walk again. I had to get new stitches. Apparently I shouldn't have gone out walking and I certainly shouldn't have used a tampon because now I'm suffering a nasty ass infection in my vagina. Why did I want to have a baby? Why didn't I let Sara do it? What did I get out of this? Pain? Loss? Anguish? Misery? Depression?

I deserve it.

Jeremy visits in the morning before I get to leave. He's the only who knows about my pregnancy other than my two aunts, father, and grandfather. Other than them, thankfully, nobody. Or else I wouldn't have been able to show my face in Calgary. I haven't seen any of my aunts yet. My grandfather visited once before I gave birth. He seemed resentful, upset, angry, disappointed. He wanted to see Sara, but mum said Sara refused to meet any family member again because they're not hers. It's funny how she spent her entire life searching for people she doesn't even wanna look in the eye.

"Yeah, laugh about that. It's funny to you because you don't have a fucking vagina."

Jeremy is laughing again. Somehow my pain is amusing to him.

"I'm sorry, Teegles, but that's just so you. Like you couldn't even last a week without fucking yourself up down there."

"If you don't shut up, I'll fuck you up down there too you'll kiss your boyfriend's ass goodbye."

"Tegan," my mum scolds. I roll my eyes at her glaring ones. I ignore the nurse whose eyes are roaming with disgust. My mother should know I don't give a fuck about people. Maybe I cared a tiny bit when I was with Sara, but why should I now that I have lost everything I have?

"Oh, sorry. I ran out of fucks to give."

Jeremy laughs again, but soon he stops once he looks at my mother's dissatisfied face.

At home I cry again next to Jeremy. He tries his best to make me feel better but it's all in vain. My cat is staring at me as if I am some type of a silent movie good to watch.

The days won't pass. My heart won't heal.

"You'll get back to work again and you'll slowly start to forget."

"I don't want to forget. I wanna be near my baby. I wanna be close to her."

"But you asked to stay away," Jeremy argues.

"I know." I wipe my tears. "I regret it."

"You can fix it."

"How?"

He shrugs. "Talk to her."

"She hates me." I wipe more tears. "I don't think she wants the baby to be near me. I don't think she wants to know there is competition. I can't take the baby away from her after what I did. I already took a lot from her and Karma has hit me. Now I have nothing."

My dad visits in the evening. He has been in New York for the past few months to deal with the company I left behind. I bet he thinks I don't even deserve what he trusted me with. He seems down; quiet, unable to say a word to me.

"I always told your mother to get Sara to take a DNA test before it's too late," he tells me. "She didn't listen. I knew something was strange. Even Sara suspected."

"Sara knew," I whisper. "She knew but she decided to ignore it."

"How did you know?" I shrug. "You just assumed?"

"She told me she did. We didn't sleep with each other for an entire year because she was scared she was sleeping with a sister. She said she told Rob and he told her she's imagining. He said she should make sure before assuming. She pushed the thoughts away." If I cry more I'm going blind. I can already feel my eyes getting bad. "That's why I hit her after I knew. She knew and she was okay with it. She was sleeping with me and she knew. Even when she made sure she still slept with me. I had the right to know, too. I had the right to know."

"It's not your fault. It's not hers. If she said something it would be the same."

"No," I shake my head. "It wouldn't be. We wouldn't have had a child, dad. Now there's a baby involved and this baby is going to grow up and start asking questions."

He sighs because he can't say anything. He knows I'm right. He knows it's mostly his and mum's mistake.

"And I miss my baby and I want her." I'm blanketed with a warm hug when my loud sob fails me. "I want her," I mumble and sniffle.

My mum sleeps next to me at night. She holds me close and soon I feel myself dancing inside my dreams—happy, relaxed, safe. I feel so safe. I feel like I'm up in the sky, floating with the clouds. I have never felt safe.

But when I wake up in the morning, my head aches in rhythm with my body. Painkillers and antibiotics are thin air compared to my pain.

I play my old Friends DVDs and watch for hours, laughing, tearing up, and then crying even though there's no need to cry.

A knock on the door distracts me from the screen. "Come in," I say, not expecting the person outside to be Sara in all her beauty, her exhaustion, her hesitance to stand right at the door, too scared to let herself inside.

But that's not what makes me sit up, click pause, and stare in wonder and awe. The baby clung to her in the grey sling makes my stomach nervous, makes me forget about the physical pain in my body, twisting it to excitement and perplexity. I'm unable to say anything. I don't know what to say. I'm afraid if my mouth utters something it might hurt her. I'm afraid she might take the baby again and rush out of the room.

"Uh…" I try to swallow the lump in my throat, I try to speak but I fail. "Uh…hi."

"Can I come in?" I nod quickly, shifting away the clothes piled up untidily on my mattress to make space. "Did…did mum call you?"

"No…I…I called her." She takes slow steps towards my bed. She's cautious, she's afraid. "I took Sally to the GP today. I wanted to make sure she's healthy."

I look at the beautiful angelic face of the baby snug cozily in Sara's arms. Her eyes are widely open now. The color is clearer and it's just like the color of my eyes; just like the color of Sara's eyes; hazel, sunny, coppery, tranquil. The blue pacifier in her small lips. Her hands are tightly closed. Her head is still mostly hairless. There are only few strands of light brown hair on top. "Is she?" I ask.

"Yes." She finally sits down, smiling at the innocent baby. "She's perfect." I smile, too. I can't help it. My tears share my emotions, making sure to wet my face immediately. "Wanna hold her?" I nod, wiping away the embarrassing display of vulnerability. I bet she knows I regret the rash decision I made, and I truly don't care.

"I need a favor," she says again with pleading eyes. "She's not accepting the milk we're giving her. She cries and throws a tantrum. I stay up all night trying to make her drink it but she hates it. I'm worried. The doctor thinks I breastfeed her so he said that I should rely on it a hundred percent until she accepts the bottle. I couldn't even tell him I didn't give birth to her. The papers they forged say I'm her biological mother, Tegan. I can't even lie."

"And that's your biggest problem? That you're not her mother?" I shake my head at myself as soon the words leave my lips. I promised myself I wouldn't hurt her so why am I doing this? "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that." It's too late. She's already crying.

"Yes. That's my biggest problem. I'll live with a lie my entire life. I won't get to tell her about the moment I gave birth to her. I can't breastfeed her and she won't let go of my chest. I won't ever know that feeling, that bond, that special connection. She won't ever know the truth and she shouldn't know the truth. She cries all night. She doesn't get milk like any other baby. She'll have one mother her entire life. She won't have two parents. That's my biggest problem. You want to make fun of it? Go ahead. I don't care. I just want you to feed her if you can. I want her to be healthy." She stands up again. "If you don't want to then I'm sorry I bothered you. You won't hear of us again."

"No, no, no," loudly, I scream. "Don't leave." I'm crying like a pathetic dog right now. My angry emotions scare Sally, therefore she begins to cry, too.

"Oh, no. Shhh, baby." Sara takes her out of the sling and picks her up. "Shhh, mama's here. Look at me, baby. Come on. Nothing's to be afraid of." She calms down. She stops crying, just like that; it's magic.

She walks up to me once again. Sally's pushing her face in her chest as she sits right beside me. "Uh…wait. I don't know how to…" I lift up my hoodie but it's too big and thick, which restricts me from uncovering my chest.

"I don't know, too." She stares down at the baby shyly. "Just do it like last time." She kisses Sally's head. I wish I can do that, too.

I take off my hoodie and lower the left cup of my bra. Sara's face burns with a deep shade of red when her eyes look at my breast. I'm not even comfortable with how my body looks at the moment. Everything is extra large and swollen and it's probably far from attractive to her.

She hands me the baby carefully. My heart is drumming, my stomach is in knots. As soon as I hold her, the baby starts to scream. My anxiety rises as I look at the creature in my arms. "Hold her head. It's okay. She's not used to you." My daughter is not used to me, how ironic is that? "Shh, Sally. Hush, little snowball. I'm right here." I look at Sara for a second. That's what they used to call her. Now she's calling our daughter that.

"Fuck, fuck." I jump when I feel her lips latch on my nipple. My tears haven't stopped but now they're increasing as I look at her suckling as if it's the most natural process ever. "How does she know?"

Sara shrugs. "I guess it's natural. It's just an instinct."

"I'm not sure if I have much milk." Sara's eyes are tired. A purplish hue is around them, bags under them, loss inside them; but they're still more beautiful than the sunrise itself. "I've been freeing it all in the sink. I leak a lot. It's disgusting."

"You should use breastfeeding pads and much more comfortable bras than these." I laugh at her suggestion. "Why are you laughing?" She's still insecure.

"It just made me remember."

"Remember what?" I shake my head, looking at Sally starting to writhe in my arms. I put my index and middle finger between my nipple to squeeze the milk out.

"You used to take care of me," I mumble uncomfortably. I don't want to talk about the past if it's supposedly closed. I'll hurt myself again and I want this temporary hour to be some type of recovery for me.

"Your mum told me." I look up at her again but she's looking down at my chest. "The stitches and the infection." I nod. "It hurts?" I chuckle. "You used a tampon?"

"Umm…yeah?"

"When I was seventeen I had Toxic Shock Syndrome because of it. I had kept it all night. I didn't know that was a dangerous thing. I almost died." She laughs softly. "I always almost die. But damn that was such a fucked up thing. That's why I never use tampons anymore. I hate what that little thing did to me."

"You never told me."

"I never told anyone."

"Why?"

"It's embarrassing."

"It's not."

"Maybe not now, but I was shy when I was young. I never talked about it and I just didn't find it necessary to, you know, mention it."

I wish I can kiss her when she speaks like that. I wish I can take her in my arm and call her mine. I wish I didn't feel so disgusted with myself thinking about it. I wish she wasn't my sister.

"I know you're suffering probably way more than me. I know that." I chuckle again. "It's not a competition, Tegan."

"No, it's not." But why do we have to pay for a mistake that's not ours? "I think I should use…umm, my other breast…it's starting to hurt."

"Yeah, I'll pick her up."

But Sally shrieks and cries when she's picked up by Sara. My selfish needs make me happy inside. She wants me. She knows I'm her mother.

"Auntie Tegan won't leave you, baby. She's right here. You get all the milk you need."

_Auntie Tegan._ How ironic.

"She's so hungry," Sara comments right after I return Sally to my bosom. "I don't know what am I gonna do with her not drinking normal milk."

"How long are you staying here?" I ask, finding a difficulty in the latch this time. Maybe because I pushed my nipple this time and didn't wait for her to do it. "Oh, oh, that hurts."

"Uh..just twist your…okay yeah, that's it." Sara knows better than me and she doesn't even have to do that.

And my jealousy rises with every word and every action, but I guess it's just something I'll have to live with.

"I don't know how long I'm staying here. We're waiting for the papers and her passport to be ready. I can't travel like this." I nod, already thinking of a plan in my head. "Umm...Stephen visited yesterday. He wanted to see her."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she mumbles. "He said you're hurting."

"It's karma, Sara. It's called karma."

"Don't say that."

I don't reply.

We let the silence take over. We both look at our child slowly falling asleep. These moments should have been showered with immense merriness and cheerful excitement. We would be in our bedroom. I wouldn't be hurt. I would be healthy because I would be taken care of. We would have been happy.

"She slept," Sara whispers. "Finally."

I give her back to Sara. She stands up, not saying a single word. I put on my hoodie once again.

"Thank you," she whispers. "I might need to come here again tomorrow but I don't want her to get used to your milk because when I go back it's going to be hard again."

"I'll pump the milk for her today and let's see tomorrow if she'll like it in the bottle. Maybe it's the taste of the ordinary milk she doesn't like."

"Or maybe she just wants her mother," Sara says.

"You're her mother, too." I spot a tear slowly making itself visible on the pale cheek of my sister as she nods.

I wish she wasn't my sister.


End file.
